


The Two Penguins

by cream_pudding



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amusement Parks, Angst, Cats, Choices, Clubbing, Dancing, Developing Relationship, Difficult Decisions, Domestic Violence, Drunkenness, Dubious Consent, Emotional Healing, Enthusiastic Consent, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Getting to Know Each Other, Gift Giving, Infidelity, Internal Conflict, Introspection, Legal Drama, Living Together, Lovers to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Missed Opportunities, Romance, Self-Esteem, Smut, Soulmates, Stargazing, Travel, Zoo, emotional scars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-31 02:54:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 315,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15110357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cream_pudding/pseuds/cream_pudding
Summary: There is an instant, unavoidable attraction, an ease and a 'meant to be'. But there is just one hitch; Roxas has a boyfriend whom he proclaims to love deeply, but everything in his actions with Axel says otherwise. They dance around each other, treading carefully, in the hopes that one day the stars will align and nothing, not even themselves, will get in their love's way.Update Schedule:Fortnightly🐧💞🐧





	1. Magnetism

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another one of my multi-chapter fics. This was born out of a conversation with [imissmest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imissmest) so you can all blame her for this story. But really, I do take full responsibility. This story is _loooooong_. It's not going to be pleasant in spots, but it also _will_ be pleasant in other spots. It might even make you feel things and I will put warnings up where appropriate. 
> 
> I hope you guys stick around til the end of the story because I do feel it's worth all the agony that will ensue. But that's just my opinion. I do ask that if you jump ship to leave me a comment because that interests me an awful lot - hearing at what point people give up reading a story. I mean, hopefully, it won't happen but _if_ you do... let me know :p
> 
> And on that note - I welcome constructive criticism and openly encourage and invite it on this, and all my other stories. I do want to get better at writing. So please don't hold back if you feel like there is something that I could do better or differently regarding technical aspects of writing.
> 
> Not quite sure what sort of comments to leave? Here is a handy-dandy guide! (taken from [NimblesNotebook](http://nimblesnotebook.tumblr.com) on Tumblr)  
> 1\. At what point did you feel like “Ah, now the story has really begun!”  
> 2\. What were the points where you found yourself skimming?  
> 3\. Which setting in the story was clearest to you as you were reading it? Which do you remember the best?  
> 4\. Which character would you most like to meet and get to know?  
> 5\. What was the most suspenseful moment in the story?  
> 6\. If you had to pick one character to get rid of, who would you axe?  
> 7\. Was there a situation in the story that reminded you of something in your own life?  
> 8\. Where did you stop reading?  
> 9\. What was the last book/fanfic you read, before this? And what did you think of it?  
> 10\. Finish this sentence: “I kept reading because…”
> 
> I would like to thank all of my betas who have read through this story in its various incarnations. Thank you for your keen eyes, for your honest opinions which have swayed and even destabilised me somewhat. And thank you for putting me back together and giving me the support I needed to get this completed. It's been an agonising 6 months, but I loved every minute of it.  
> [imissmest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imissmest), [secluded_delusions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/secluded_delusions), [Skadelol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skadelol), [Kunoichi21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunoichi21). I love you guys.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Axel sees Roxas across the dance floor there is an instant attraction.

Axel snapped his suspenders in place, brushed hands down his torso and gave the waistcoat a firm tug to smooth out any wrinkles. He pulled an errant strand of hair off his white dress-shirt and made sure his sleeves were securely rolled up to the elbows.

He winked at himself in the bathroom mirror, clicked his tongue, and with that left to start his shift.

“ ‘Sup Morrise! Wasn’t expecting to see you behind the stick today,” Axel greeted as he let himself behind the solid oak bar which stood like an island, in the middle of the large room.

A stout man in his late fifties, dressed in much the same garb as Axel, gave him an acknowledging nod. “I wasn’t expecting to be called in today either. Nancy’s come down with shingles, poor girl. Me n’ Drew will be swapping on and off for a while.”

“Poor Nance. She was complaining about being sore the last couple of days.” Axel busied himself with inspecting the back bar, making sure everything he would need was in stock.

“Girl’s had it tough. Too much stress if ya ask me.” Morrise finished polishing glasses and gave the countertop a once over before the bar opened for the afternoon.

“Can’t be this job. It’s pretty chill,” Axel observed.

Morrise made a sound of disagreement. “Not everyone’s as laid back as you.”

Axel shrugged. “I’m gonna open up. Bar’s stocked and ready.”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Axel left the bar and headed for the large double doors, with ‘Organization  fancifully etched into the glass facing out onto the street. The bar looked a lot more posh than it actually was. The owner, Marluxia, had a hair-brained idea that if a place looked top end it would keep the riff-raff out.

Axel had been working at the bar for eight months so far and hadn’t witnessed any real trouble, so he supposed there might be some method to Marluxia’s madness.

He unbarred the doors, opening them wide to the mid-afternoon spring air. He did his normal duty of putting out the daily chalkboard sign, listing the night’s events, and any specials they had on, and went back inside to await the steady flow of patrons.

Axel had his regulars. Mostly grizzly old men who had been in the blue-collar workforce for too many years and looked forward to only two things in life: having a cold drink after work and retiring.

During the day, Organization 13 was fairly slow, but there were a few retirees who enjoyed the quietude the bar had to offer during the waning daylight hours. The clinking of glasses accented the quiet murmurs of the patrons. The odd chuckle might erupt from someone as their guard eroded with the consumption of alcohol.

All in all it always felt like a nice slide into Axel’s shift, because as the sun slipped below the horizon and the lights came on in the bar - no matter how dim - the day crowd dissipated and the nightlife flocked in to seek fun and excitement.

The place came alive as the hours ticked away. Regulars and passers-by came in. Drinks were ordered by the tray-full. Some over-exuberant patron would order a round on the house to celebrate a special occasion, and Axel always came up with the goods.

On quieter nights he performed special tricks he had picked up and spent hours on refining. He could toss shakers in front, behind, and make them land perfectly after a flight through the air.

When he wasn’t displaying his showmanship he was busy tending to his side of the bar. He kept it meticulously clean, sweeping up all spills and saving his patrons from the horror of landing elbows and hands in sticky liquid. He discarded all rubbish which accumulated over the course of the evening, maintained a steady supply of clean glasses in all their varied forms, and made sure the alcohol was always at the ready.

He watched a hen’s night come and go, as well as a promotion celebration. Everything went perfectly. The dance floor was electric, the live band was pulling out crowd pleasers, and everyone seemed to be having a great time.

It wasn’t late yet by anyone’s standards, but Axel definitely felt like he had been at it for long enough to warrant himself a little break.

“Morrise, I’m taking five,” he let the other man know, before discarding his apron and ducking out from behind the bar.

He went to the staff washroom to quickly freshen up. As much as he loved his job he did find it exhausting work, especially on nights when parties were booked.

Heading back out into the ocean of noise, he took the opportunity to view the lively atmosphere around himself. He got so focused on work that he zoned out what was happening beyond his island for the most part.

Axel let the music seep into his bones for a moment and danced his way back to the bar. He could spot some familiar faces on the dancefloor. Organization 13 was renowned in the neighborhood for its great live band selection, which drew a lot of avid fans of whatever band was playing – in addition to lovers of good dance music – to come out and play.

As Axel shimmied his way back towards the bar, the sea of people on the dancefloor parted enough for Axel’s eye to be caught on something white in the corner of the room, dancing with wild abandon.

The lights hit and illuminated the dancing figure, reflecting and completely dazzling Axel into a standstill.

Most people Axel witnessed dancing in public had self-restraint due to social expectations and being too shockingly self-conscious. But not this guy, judging by the flailing arms and the wide berth fellow dancers were giving him.

It brought a smile to Axel’s face to see such uninhibited joy. He was struck by a sudden urge to dance his way over there and join in, but that impulse was thwarted as he glanced over to the bar and saw Morrise inundated by a large crowd.

Axel sighed and quickly made his way to his post, while keeping one eye on the figure on the dancefloor. But he soon lost sight as the path he’d made through the sea of people disappeared, swallowing the dancer up completely.

Not that it mattered. As soon as Axel got behind the bar again, his mind switched off all extraneous noise and he became fully focused on serving customers.

The flood of drink orders kept him occupied for a solid ten minutes. He stirred, shook, mixed and poured. He refilled, made suggestions, and tidied up. Once the influx had been dealt with he relaxed again.

“How’s things on your end?” Axel said as he met his co-worker in the space between their respective sides.

“Good, but looks like I’m running low on garnishes. I’m gonna go grab some from the kitchen. You need anything?”

“Nah.”

Morrise nodded and let himself out of the bar to go fetch the ingredients.

Axel looked over his patrons. Everyone looked content and the bar seemed clean on both sides, so Axel gave himself permission to switch off for a moment. Eyes and thoughts returned to the dancefloor, where he hoped to find the attractive dancer.

The crowd had thinned out, the music had mellowed somewhat, in keeping with the neighborhood’s noise pollution restrictions. Axel couldn’t find who he was looking for. He pouted, slightly disappointed. It didn’t really matter. The guy was probably straight as hell, with a super duper cute girlfriend whom he’d never leave. Not that Axel was out for a relationship. Work came first, but he did like impressing guys and taking them home at the end of his shift. Axel figured with moves like what he saw the guy pull, he would have been fun in bed too.

Axel sighed and mindlessly wiped down the already clean benchtops. He’d just have to dream about it in the shower when he got home. But then something white caught in his periphery. Head snapped to attention. He gave a fleeting smirk as the guy slowly meandered over to the bar.

Well - he was probably walking at a normal pace but it felt way too slow to Axel. He was dying for a closer look and a chat. Axel tried his best to stare in the most inconspicuous way possible, but it became increasingly difficult. The closer his target got the more Axel liked what he saw -

Wildly spiked hair, which probably would have looked ridiculous on anyone else. But as it stood, it gave the guy a rather cool appearance, accentuated by the wholly unique clothes he was sporting. Axel had never seen anything like it, and he had been privy to some very weird and unique outfits, especially whenever there was a retro night at the bar.

But this look was neither dated nor futuristic. It felt completely on trend, but was something he’d never seen before. Baggy pants, belts for accent, with matching vest - all white, and just a splash of red at the lapels, and some black trims for contrast. Matching bracers, wristbands and some superfluous chains were attached.

The closer he got the more certain Axel grew that someone like that couldn’t possibly be straight. Smirk turned to a big, friendly smile as the guy got close enough to make Axel certain that he was going to the bar for a drink.

“Good evening. What can I interest you in?” He gestured to the back bar with one hand and ran the other down the side of his body. Subtle enough with years of practice, so as not to freak out straight guys, but obvious enough to clue in those who were looking for _that_ kind of thing.

“Ah -.” Gorgeous blue eyes scanned the back bar. “Just water, thanks.”

_Damn_. That was rather disappointing - on multiple fronts. “Thirsty work - all that dancing.” He grabbed a glass, gave it a twirl and filled it at the filtered tap. He produced a coaster and planted it, plus the glass, down in front of his extremely sexy patron.

“Yeah, it is,” came a chuckle, followed by a light rosing of cheeks.

Axel could feel himself getting hard. That voice, that face. Sexy and cute, all at once. He really wanted him. Maybe he had been too subtle? This guy seemed to radiate innocence, so Axel leaned forward a little as he spoke, “Could I interest you in anything else?”

Between gulps of water he said, “I don’t really drink - or have money to spend on drinks. So I’ll just finish this and I won’t waste any of your time.” Axel received an angelic smile.

An internal groan reverberated around Axel’s head. He was about to break one of his personal rules.

“Would you be interested in letting me introduce you to some drinks and unique flavors?” Axel quirked his eyebrows in a highly suggestible manner. “It’s all on me,” he clarified.

“Oh no. I couldn’t.”

“You’d be helping me out. I’ve been working on some new drinks I’d like to trial run on someone who’s a bit adventurous. You seem like the kind of guy who’d be up for something interesting.” Axel hoped he wasn’t delivering that in an overtly sleazy way. The more he looked at the guy before him the more his brain switched off and his sex drive was taking over. He really needed to keep it in check, but damn those eyes, that smile, and gorgeous innocence. Axel wanted to introduce him to a world of sinful delights. Alcohol being just one of them.

He was proud of himself for not saying that out loud.

“Well - I don’t mind, I guess. If it’ll help.”

Axel cheered on the inside. “Yeah, it would. Name’s Axel, by the way,” he extended his hand over the bar.

“Roxas. Nice to meet you,” he said shaking Axel’s hand firmly.

This guy even had a sexy name. Axel tried it out, “Roxas.” It brought a smile to his face. He liked saying it. “That’s a nice name. Is it from anywhere?”

Another chuckle, “No, just my parent’s crazy imagination.” He finished his glass of water.

“Another?”

“Yes, please. What about your name?”

Axel refilled and handed the glass back. “My parents are massive heavy metal fans.”

“Oh, so you’re named after Axl from -”

“Yeah, lame, I know,” Axel cut off and gave a small scoff. He liked his name, but wasn’t the biggest fan of the association.

“No, I think that’s awesome. Way better than being called William.” Roxas went to chug away at his drink.

Axel laughed. “Never thought of it like that.”

It seemed to please Roxas as his smile grew wider. “Do you like heavy metal?”

“I grew up listening to a lot of it. My parents dragged me along to all kinds of tours. Kind of sick of it, to be honest.”

Yet another chuckle. Axel could get used to that sound.

“A real shame when parents ruin shit for their kids.”

Axel nodded. “Man, tell me about it. I’m just lucky they didn’t totally kill it for me. I still like rock - but more punk and glam.”

“Oh yeah? Me too!” Roxas’ face lit up with excitement. “It’s why I’m here. I’ve been dying to see Unsaid Velvet but could never get to any of their gigs.”

“Congrats for making it.”

That big grin almost slew Axel. Eager blue eyes looked back towards the small stage in awe, before swinging back around. “I’m shocked they’re even playing in a small bar like this.”

“Ah, well Marly, the owner - he used to go to school with the drummer. So he pulled the ‘I was your friend when no one thought you were cool’ card.”

That really got Roxas laughing with delight. “Epic! Still waiting to see if any of my old school mates will get famous. So far it’s been pretty disappointing.”

“It ever occur to you that maybe _you’re_ the one who’s supposed to get famous?” Axel winked.

Roxas seemed to seriously consider it for a moment. “Hmm. Maybe you have a point.”

“What’s your get-famous plan? Everyone’s got one.” Axel leaned on elbows. He was thoroughly enjoying their banter.

“Well -” shifty eyes darted hither and thither before Roxas stretched over and breathed against Axel’s ear, “you tell me yours first.” He pulled away again.

Axel returned the shifty look and leaned in, closing the distance. The guy smelled good. Axel whispered back, “Why? You wanna steal it?”

They leaned back from one another, but only slightly, remaining almost nose to nose. Roxas squinted, and Axel also narrowed his eyes, looking back dangerously. Anyone else and Axel would have thought this would quickly devolve into a bar fight. But squint grew more pronounced as a brilliant smile exploded.

“No. I just need to make sure yours is different from mine,” Roxas laughed, throwing himself back and sitting upright.

Axel grinned back, “Well my plan is to own a punk-themed bar. It’s gonna be so good and amazing that everyone will have heard of it. All the most famous bands will beg me to come play there. I’ll have VIP rooms and waiting lists to get in, which will be booked out five months in advance. That’s how good it’ll be.”

Roxas was like sunshine personified as he said, “That’s great.”

“Now tell me yours,” Axel pressed.

Roxas leaned in again, starting the whole shifty-eye dance once more. He motioned for Axel to lean closer. Axel obliged, quite happy to keep smelling Roxas.

Voice was low, vibrating against Axel’s ear, “My plan is to own a punk bar.”

They pulled apart. Axel’s eyes and mouth went wide. Roxas began laughing so hard he clutched at his stomach.

“You thief!” Axel played at mock-indignation before he broke into a grin. “But c’mon. Tell me. For real.”

Roxas managed to stop laughing, and wiped a tear from his eye. “Okay, okay. My plan’s to make really cool outfits, and to get so famous that celebrities will be clamouring to wear my stuff.”

“Oh, you - did you make what you’re wearing? ‘Cause it’s real cool.”

Roxas looked a little bit proud, but Axel could also see a blush creeping across cheeks. “Yeah, I did.”

“Can I help you get famous by getting you to make something for me?”

“Yeah, sure. For a cost, of course.”

“Of course,” Axel nodded solemnly.

“I’ve got a website for custom orders.” Roxas stood up and fished around one of his multitude of pockets. He produced a business card and handed it over.

Axel looked it over. It didn’t contain much aside from a web address. “Cool, I’ll check it out.” Axel pocketed it. So far things were going really well. “So what about some drinks, Roxas. I’m gonna help you get famous by sporting your clothes. But you gotta help me out by letting me make you drinks. My bar’s gonna have awesome drinks, and awesome music. And maybe even awesome fashion. You can sell your clothes from my venue. I’ll even be generous with the lease I’ll charge you.”

Roxas laughed. “Thanks for the offer. I don’t really have a favorite drink. I don’t really _do_ alcohol that much. All I’ve had is wine, and I know I don’t like that.”

“The world is so much larger than wine, Roxas. But I bet I could find a wine you might enjoy, if you let me figure out what tastes appeal to you. I can build you your own unique flavor map.”

“Flavor map?” Roxas seemed intrigued.

“Yeah, I’ll make you a bunch of different things and you tell me what you like and don’t like about them. And then I’ll be able to nail the perfect drink for you.”

Roxas looked amused. “All right. Sounds fun. I’m game.”

“Excellent! Let’s find out what excites you.” He winked for good measure and turned to the backbar, grabbing the things he’d need.

Whilst looking after his other patrons, Axel worked through different flavor profiles whenever he came over to Roxas. The bitter drink made Roxas’ face scrunch up. Axel got a gag at the coffee drink, and no response at all to a palate cleanser.

After some time Roxas began looking a bit woozy, swaying on his bar stool.

“How’re you holding up there, champ?”

“ ‘m good. Was that last one anything? Tasted like nothing. Not even water.” Roxas squinted at his glass of water which Axel had been refilling every time. He grabbed it and downed the glass, which made him hiccup. Slurring, he said, “Now that’s a drink. You’re really good at making ‘em, Ax.”

Axel found Roxas’ drunken state adorable. “That’s the first praise you’ve given me. And it doesn’t feel right. Even a moron can turn on a tap.”

“Well, you’re a very good moron,” Roxas stated, while studying his empty glass.

Axel chuckled, “Right, no more for you, Roxas.”

Mouth flapped open, as if to protest, but then Roxas started giggling instead. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.” He began laughing harder and swayed precariously.

Axel, being no stranger to what he was about to do, quickly leapt over the bar and caught Roxas as he slid off his seat. “Woah there. Lemme find you a chair with a backrest.”

“You dun have to. Dun wanna be a bother,” Roxas muttered into Axel’s chest and fingers found perch on suspenders.

“No bother. I got you into this mess. Least I can do is look after you.” Axel pried fingers off his clothes, turned Roxas around and kept a firm grip around the man’s waist. “Let’s get you over to the lounge area. You think you can manage stairs?”

“I’m matter of stairs. Lemme at ‘em!” Roxas lurched forward, dragging Axel along with him.

Axel didn’t bother to correct Roxas. He could be a ‘matter of stairs’ if he so wished. He instead focused on getting back in control of his charge, and steered them towards the stairs, which led up to the loft.

“I know you said you didn’t drink, but I didn’t expect you to be such a lightweight.”

“Who’re you callin’ light, ya - meatloaf.” Roxas craned his neck and gave Axel a pouting glare.

Axel chuckled. “I take full responsibility. I should have filled you up on bar snacks in between the drinks.”

“Ya should have. I haven’t eaten in like all day.” Roxas woefully clutched his stomach as they started ascending the staircase.

“What? You haven’t? Why not?” Axel felt alarmed. He couldn’t live without eating something every few hours.

“Too busy movin’. Dun know where anything good to eat is.”

“You new in town?”

“Mhmm,” Roxas nodded as he took one shaky step after another.

“Well, you’ve come to the right place. Organization 13’s famous for its gorgonzola fries. I’ll order you some when we get up there.”

“Food?”

“Yeah, food.”

Roxas picked up his pace, much to Axel’s amusement and they were at the top landing moments later. It was a fairly spacious area, more well lit than downstairs. There were several lounges, small round coffee tables and a few pool tables as well, where patrons could chill out when they had enough of all the dancing. Axel guided Roxas down onto one of the lounges. Small body slumped down with a sigh of relief.

Axel waved down Camilla, a wait staffer who was currently collecting glasses off the various lounge area tables. “Hey Axel. You still here? You’re normally out by now.”

“I’ve made a friend who I’ve gotta look after.” He pointed at Roxas, whose head was lolling about woefully.

“Aww, sweetie. Did the bad man do this to you?” She asked in a pitying voice.

Head snapped up to look at her, and he shook it rapidly, but then moaned in agony and stopped the motion. Hands went to head. “No, I did this to myself,” he said while squishing his cheeks together.

Axel thought he’d die if Roxas got any cuter. He looked away. “Can you get us some fries, a bowl of nachos, and some chicken wings?”

“Sure. Want me to charge it to your account?”

Axel nodded, picked up some glasses which had been stashed on the floor, and stacked them on Camilla’s tray.

“Thanks,” she smiled, and Axel returned it.

Camilla went down the stairs and Axel eased down beside Roxas. “I’ll get some food into you in a bit, and you’ll feel better.”

“Thanks,” Roxas mumbled. He slumped against Axel’s shoulder and seconds later was sound asleep.

Axel laughed quietly to himself. This guy was too much. He looked down at Roxas’ slumbering form and brushed at hair. Roxas didn’t so much as flinch. Axel looked closer at Roxas’ face. Light eyelashes, golden skin, a few freckles. He was gorgeous. If Roxas’ sparkling blue eyes had been looking at him Axel thought he would have gotten completely lost.

His eyes wandered down towards a golden chain that hung around neck and disappeared underneath clothes. Axel looked at the clothes in more detail, and there was a _lot_ of detail. It made Axel smile. Clearly, Roxas was very good at what he did, and enjoyed it as well. Axel leaned his head back and let his eyes slide shut. He lightly dozed until Camilla returned with bowls and plates.

“Wake up, you two,” she sang.

Axel roused Roxas from his sleep. Bleary eyes looked at him and Roxas scowled in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“Hey. I’m Axel, remember? I got you drunk but I said I’d look after you, and - ta-da!” He waved his hand towards the food.

All mistrust faded from sight. “Awesome!” Roxas sat up and got stuck into the dishes.

Axel followed suit and they ate in relative silence, with the exception of Roxas singing praise of the food, Axel concurring from time to time.

“Ah man, that’s so much better,” Roxas patted his stomach and leaned back against the cushioned surface when everything had been demolished.

“Everything’s better on a full stomach.” Axel wiped his hands clean on some moist towelettes and smiled at Roxas.

“You can say that again. But shit, I need to take a leak.”

Axel pointed towards the washroom doors to their left, and Roxas was off like a shot, leaving Axel to his thoughts. He wasn’t sure if tonight would eventuate in him getting laid, but he accepted that even if he wasn’t, he still had a very amusing evening.

Roxas returned after a short time. He grabbed Axel’s hand, pulling him to his feet and led the way downstairs.

“What’s happening?”

“I feel like dancing,” Roxas shot back with a grand smile.

Axel chuckled, “I re-energized your batteries?”

“Yup. You don’t mind, right? You’ll dance with me, yeah?”

“Yeah. I just gotta get out of my work uniform first, okay?”

Roxas nodded. “I’ll be on the dancefloor, warming up. Come find me.”

“Definitely,” Axel grinned. He wouldn’t miss the chance to grind up against that sweet stuff. He left for the staff area and quickly undressed. He pulled on his leather pants and red satin button-down shirt, leaving the top three buttons undone. Then he hung up his work uniform with one hand, and with the other wiped his face clean with a wet wipe. He checked himself out in the mirror briefly, making sure he was looking as irresistible as possible, and headed back out to see if he could score tonight.

Axel found Roxas without any trouble. His clothes and moves were like a beacon and Axel was positively drawn to it. He came up from behind and slid arms around Roxas’ mid section, causing the other man to turn around to look at him. “I’m back. Miss me?”

Big smile fell slightly with surprise. “Your face,” hand went up to cup Axel’s cheek, where he thumbed over one of the tattoos.

Axel couldn’t stop the grin. It worked every time. “I cover up for work - but I’m not on the clock anymore.”

Roxas’ smile returned and hands slid over Axel’s torso, a very welcomed gesture. They swayed together, slow at first, finding their rhythm. Pace picked up and then they started dancing together in earnest. Hips ground together, hands moved, slid and held. Sweat beaded. And if they moved apart for a while to do their solo moves they always came back together after, finding now familiar handle holds.

Axel couldn’t get enough of Roxas. He drank up the sight of him rocking out, but still felt completely parched. His need for the other man was only satisfied once he could hold him. So Axel made the most of it when they came together again. He ran hands under vest, stroking at sides. He imagined taking off Roxas’ clothes, one layer at a time and slowly exploring all that he found beneath.

One thing was for certain - Roxas was definitely not straight. He didn’t shy away from Axel’s roaming touches. Not even when Axel pulled the bold move of cupping Roxas’ backside with both hands. Axel loved the feel of him. Something about Roxas’ clothes made his body feel firm, lean and glorious to the touch.

Axel was having a hard time keeping his erection from grinding up against Roxas’ hip. He had to stop himself from doing just that on purpose, especially as their dancing became more fevered. And just as Axel thought things couldn’t get any hotter between them, Roxas wound arms around his hips, pushing them both tightly together. Axel was certain he could feel a firm heat rub against him through fabric.

One of Roxas’ hands snaked its way up Axel’s back and into his hair, and then face was pushed up against the exposed part of Axel’s chest. God, how Axel wanted to fuck Roxas right then and there. He buried his face in Roxas’ hair, smelling the fruity freshness and a hint of sweetness of whatever hair product Roxas used. Axel thought it suited the man perfectly. He let out a rumble of approval in the back of his throat.

It made Roxas look up, which saw them nose to nose. Their pace had reduced markedly at some point, leaving them swaying to a song all their own, staring into each other’s eyes. Axel smiled down at him in a sultry manner. Roxas was far more wide-eyed, searching for something undefined, but both their eyes trailed over each others parting lips. Roxas’ hand twitched in Axel’s hair and seconds later exerted gentle downward pressure on him. Axel obliged and leaned down a fraction, whilst Roxas leaned up a little. Eyes slid shut and lips came into contact, grazing as heads tilted into more accommodating positions for what was about to go down.

The song they had been dancing to suddenly ended.

“We’ll be taking a quick break and then we’ll be back to bang out some more tunes for you guys,” the lead singer announced.

It broke the magic spell they had both been caught up in. Roxas pulled away completely, clearing his throat and straightened out his clothes from where Axel’s hands had caused materials to bunch up.

The fleeting touch of Roxas’ lips against his own ghosted, and made Axel crave so much more. Axel’s heart hammered away with thrilling excitement. It couldn’t end there.

“Roxas, you wanna-”

“I’ve gotta go home. It’s way late. Thanks for everything tonight, Axel. I really appreciate it,” came the whirlwind of words. Roxas gave a grand smile, waved enthusiastically, and pushed past Axel, uttering a, “Bye,” as he went.

Axel was left reeling, and by the time his wits returned enough to think about chasing after Roxas - so he could finish asking him over to his place - the crowd had closed in around him, making pursuit impossible.

Axel was left catching a glimpse of white racing through the doors to the outside world.

_Fuck!_

He left for his own home, all alone. His dance with Roxas was playing on a continual loop and wouldn’t go away. Axel found himself under the spray of his hot shower, tending to his need. He brought himself to his knees as he stimulated his sad backside. How he wished it was Roxas doing this to him instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a playlist for this fic. I will post a link to it at the conclusion of the story. In the meanwhile, I will post songs from it to some chapters - where appropriate.
> 
> [Slow Hands](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBmNcLBaPUE) by Niall Horan


	2. The Barrier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As much as they would like to, there is a small problem...

Axel couldn’t get the other man out of his mind the next day. He had dreamed about them grinding together, and had awoken with a painful erection, which he had to deal with.

Axel hadn’t been this obsessed with someone since his teenage years when Matthew Rosenthal had been a willing participant in helping Axel explore his sexuality.

He still remembered the guy’s name. That’s how important he had been to Axel.

In comparison, most guys he slept with nowadays would be unrecognizable to him if he passed them in the street. And their names? All mysterious blanks.

This was punctuated by the fact that he could remember the countless names and faces of his regular patrons. So, since he couldn’t recall the names of guys he had been intimate with, he supposed he had some underlying psychological issue which he never cared enough about to try to name. Maybe it was simply liking to fuck and forget. But Roxas? Axel was certain that even if it had been the most disappointing screw in his life he would still have remembered Roxas’ name. So, given that this guy had somehow weaseled his way into Axel’s brain, it annoyed him that he didn’t even know Roxas’ full name.

Axel had half a mind to email Roxas through his website. Tell him how amazing last night had been, and how he wanted to see him again. He had even sat down and booted up his much-neglected laptop but then cursed as he realized he had left the business card in his work clothes.

That had been a real low point of Axel’s day, and he moped around for a large part of the early afternoon, wishing he had memorized the web address, so when his workday finally started he was relieved.

He pulled clothes out of his locker at work and proceeded getting dressed in a fresh shirt, applied makeup, and put on everything else. He pulled out the business card and studied it hard, determined to commit it to memory this time.

Punk n’ sundries. Punk n’ sundries. Punk n’ god fucking sundries, he chanted in his head as he did all his normal pre-opening checks.

“Hey Axel!”

“’Sup Morrise!”

“Did you have a good night last night? I heard Camilla talking about how you got one of your patrons drunk.”

Axel could see the verging-on-disgust judgment on the man’s face. They tolerated one another – could even be downright civil – but Morrise was always a bit of a homophobe. As long as he never said anything outright, Axel let it slide.

“Wasn’t my intention. He apparently hadn’t eaten in ages. I fixed him right up and we had a great night dancing after my shift,” he brushed aside coolly.

“All right. Just as long as everything was consensual and above board. Wouldn’t want there to be any trouble for Marluxia to have to come down and sort out.”

That was one sentiment Axel could definitely get behind. “Everything’s fine. I don’t take advantage of people, especially ones I’m serving,” Axel dismissed with a shake of the head and roll of his eyes. He knew Morrise thought of him as a dirty gay deviant who lured innocent men into his gay clutches, to do terrible gay things to them. Straight men of Morrise’s age all thought like that. Nothing to be done about it though, so Axel relaxed and went to open the doors for the day.

He wasn’t sure what to expect. He knew what he hoped for – Roxas eagerly waiting outside to fling himself at Axel.

Instead he was greeted by ugly-assed Clarence who had a bit of a drinking problem. He always showed up right on time for opening time on a Sunday.

“Afternoon,” Axel greeted and stepped aside to let the man barrel through without so much as a nod of acknowledgment.

Axel huffed with amusement and put out the sign. He looked up and down the street wistfully before returning to his post. _Whatever_. The night hadn’t even started yet. There was still plenty of time for his wet-dream-personified to show up.

As afternoon progressed into evening, Axel watched the changing of the crowd. The wizened old men slowly filtered out or faded into the background as sound-checks for the band went underway.

Axel cast eyes to the front door whenever he remembered but saw no familiar sex-on-legs walk in. It made him wonder, and not for the first time that day, what had happened. He didn’t doubt himself one bit. There had been nothing wrong with the way he had acted. No. But there was something wrong with Roxas. Or maybe ‘wrong’ wasn’t the right word. But whatever it was, it hadn’t been Axel’s doing, he was sure of that.

When there came a lull in the workload, Axel got out his phone and, using as much discretion as possible, looked up the website from the business card.

It was the first one to come up in the search. The site looked very professional and clean - almost sterile in a way. It said nothing of Roxas’ personality, which threw Axel a little. He had expected something fun.

He scrolled through the site, checking out the photographs of outfits Roxas had been commissioned to make in the past. They all looked fantastic.

Axel then navigated to the contacts page and found an inquiry box he could fill out.

He began sliding his thumb across the keyboard, composing his plea for another meeting. He was so engrossed in this activity that he failed to hear repeated requests for his attention.

Finally, a sharp shout of his name saw him fumble with the phone and his head snapped up in surprise. “Huh? What, who?” he frantically searched for the source of the irritated bark. It wasn’t too difficult to find. There, standing before him on the other side of the bar, stood the golden man of the hour.

Axel’s eyes wandered over the weird asymmetrical jacket and pants of white and gold fabrics. It all perfectly wrapped around, “Roxas!” He did nothing to hide the relief over seeing him.

Roxas seemed taken aback by the enthusiasm, but uncertainty faded, and he brought up a smile instead. “Hi, Axel. I’ve been trying to get your attention for like a whole minute.”

Axel felt so dumb. He rubbed his head in embarrassment. “Sorry ‘bout that. I was busy writing you a message on your website.”

“Writing me?”

“Yeah. I really wanted to see you again. I don’t have your number,” he let drop, “so I figured I’d reach you through your website.”

Roxas looked stricken and pale all of a sudden. “You didn’t send it, did you?” he tripped over hasty words.

“No. And I guess I don’t have to, now that you’re here,” Axel beamed.

After a small sigh, Roxas urged, “Yeah, please don’t send anything but legit work order requests.” Roxas looked really worried, which in turn worried Axel.

“Yeah, okay, I won’t. Is everything all right?”

“Oh, yeah.” Roxas’ face and stance relaxed. “Of course it is. I just really like to keep my hobby and personal life separate,” Roxas smiled, seemingly trying to be reassuring, but his shoulders still seemed rigid and tense.

It didn’t sit right with Axel, but he let it go. Roxas had come back. It was reason to celebrate.

“Got it. I won’t email you unless it’s to make something for me. You want a drink or anything? A snack before we get started?” he chuckled lightly.

Roxas laughed a little. “I did eat something before I left home today, so I’m all good, thanks. But I… I came back to talk to you. I… ” head dropped and he looked at his feet. “I feel really bad for how I left yesterday.” Eyes returned to look at Axel. “I want to explain myself to you.”

Axel liked the sound of that. He was kind of dying for an explanation as well. “Don’t sweat it. Just take a seat and tell me over a few drinks, okay? I know you didn’t like any of the ones I made you yesterday. I’m gonna try something different.”

Roxas frowned. “No. I really need to talk to you first, Axel,” he said forcefully, and then tacked on an apologetic and soft, “Please.”

It all seemed a bit strange. “Okay. Just gimme a few minutes. My break’s coming up soon.”

“Okay, I’ll wait.”

“Have a seat. Let me make you something while you’re here.”

Roxas looked uncertain. “Maybe I’ll just go dance for a bit.”

“It’s all right. You’ve eaten. Let me just make you one drink. I swear it won’t be as bad as the others,” he enthused. Axel didn’t want to seem pushy. He had no intention of getting Roxas drunk, he just really wanted to see if he could give Roxas something he might enjoy. Especially if this was the last time they were to hang out. Something about the ‘we need to talk’ line freaked him out.

Roxas cast eyes between the dancefloor and bar. “Well, all right. But just one. And it better be good.” Dead serious look was broken by a smile, after a few seconds.

It eased Axel’s mind to see some fun return to the other man. “You got it!” Axel quickly whipped up something fruitilicious and a little bit tart.

“Here ya go. I’ll be back to hear your verdict when my break starts.” He was painfully aware that he was beginning to neglect the other side of the bar. So, after a chirpy, “All right,” from Roxas, Axel got back to business.

He stayed as focused as possible on all the new and old patrons. He checked in if anyone needed a refill, he gave out suggestions to those who looked undecided, for things to try, and he did all this while continuously keeping his bar area neat and tidy.

Axel couldn’t help the fleeting glances he threw towards Roxas. He saw the man sipping away at his drink. He looked deep in thought. Axel had to wonder if he was thinking about him.

At last his relief staffer waltzed over.

“Evening, Ax! Everything going good?”

“Hey, Jonah. Yeah, everything’s as it should be. Keep the stick sharp. I’ll be back in fifteen.”

Axel left his apron behind and came around the patron side of the bar. “So how was it?” he inquired, sitting down beside Roxas.

“Mm, better. I finished the whole thing.”

“But not great.”

“Yeah, not great.” Roxas tapped the glass thoughtfully.

“What did you like about it?”

“The… was it orange and apple?”

“Yeah. Guess grapefruit is out of the next drink I make you,” he smiled.

“Mm… about that… can we – is there somewhere private we can talk now?”

The mood sank like a stone being dropped down a well. Axel didn’t like the serious tone of this at all. “Yeah. I know a place, c’mon.”

Axel led Roxas through the staff area and out the back of the bar. He pulled down a metal ladder which connected to the buildings fire escape. Axel gave Roxas a few glances as they clunked up the metal stairs. He still seemed deeply lost in his apparently very serious thoughts, if that frown meant anything.

Axel did not appreciate the amount of time it took to get up to the roof. He wasn’t sure what was wrong to warrant a serious talk. They had just met yesterday. It wasn’t like they had done anything. They were hardly even friends, for crying out loud.

After an agonizing dragging minute, they finally reached the roof. Roxas sat down on the floor, with his back to the waist-high wall, which encircled the rooftop area. Axel sat down atop the wall, needing to keep his uniform as clean as possible.

The sound of cars motoring by, the occasional beeping horn, and the faint chatter of pedestrians below drifted along the breeze.

Axel looked down at Roxas’ mop of spiked hair. He remembered the way it had smelled and felt the urge to sniff him some more begin to rise. “So?” he prompted.

Blue eyes turned up towards him. “I ah–” The commanding courage he had displayed previously seemed to have left Roxas. He looked back down at his shoes.

Axel grumbled internally. “I don’t have all day, Roxas. I gotta be back down there in ten minutes.” He wasn’t trying to be an ass. It was just the reality of the matter.

“Right, right. I um… wanna talk to you about last night.”

Axel waited, not knowing where this would lead. Best case scenario they’d see each other exclusively for a little while. Worst case, Roxas was leaving the country.

Roxas breathed deep. “There’s no easy way to say it.” Head lifted and he looked at Axel. “I have a boyfriend.”

Of course he bloody did. Axel had called it… sort of. He sometimes felt like he had the worst luck. “Oh,” was all he got out.

“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have – I had too much to drink. I completely led you on, and I feel awful about it.” Roxas stood up and fished around his back pocket. He pulled out a hundred-dollar bill and held it out, with a, “Here,” waiting for Axel to take it.

“What’s this for?” He didn’t make a move to accept it, instead looking at Roxas rather confused.

“For all the stuff yesterday. I don’t like owing people. And I… well I think maybe you were nice to me ‘cause you thought we’d end up… well you know,” he shrugged one shoulder. “But we can’t because I have a boyfriend who I love a lot. And so, please just take the money.” He waved the note towards Axel a little.

Something about this felt offensive. He pushed Roxas’ hand away. “I don’t want your money. Yeah okay, I was flirting with you yesterday, but just ‘cause we didn’t get together doesn’t mean you gotta repay me for anything. I had lots of fun with you. That’s like, repayment enough.” Axel couldn’t stop frowning.

“You… had fun? With me? Even though we didn’t…” Roxas pulled his hand and money back to his chest. There was disbelief in his eyes.

It was kind of weird for Axel. He felt inexplicably sad for Roxas all of a sudden. “Yeah. Of course I had fun with you. I can’t say I’m not disappointed that you’re taken, but – well what were you hoping to achieve here? Pay me and then leave?” Axel didn’t want Roxas to be out of his life.

Roxas had initiated that almost kiss. If he was truly happy in his relationship, that would never have happened, no matter how highly Axel thought of himself in the looks and charm department. Plus, where had said boyfriend been? As if anyone would _not_ want to go out for a dance and some drinks with your hot-piece-of-ass boyfriend named Roxas.

No, something felt off, and Axel needed to be there to snag Roxas if things fell apart. Was that a pretty shitty thought to have? No matter.

Roxas looked at his money sheepishly. “Yeah. Kinda?”

“Can’t we be friends? Didn’t you say you just moved here? Do you know anyone in the city? If not, I could show ya around.” Was he trying too hard? Probably.

“Ah.” Brows furrowed in thought.

Axel’s watch started beeping. “I’ve gotta go back, Roxas. You don’t have to tell me now. Think it over. You know where I work. I’m here all weekend and every day except for Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So, you can let me know what you wanna do whenever you’re ready.” Axel got up, dusted himself off and headed for the stairs.

Roxas made to follow, silently.

They climbed down the fire escape. Axel tried not to think about how depressing this situation was. There was something about Roxas he thought he could really like. Something which was beyond his looks, good taste in clothing, and his impressive skills in making said clothing. Axel didn’t like using such words, but he decided to make an exception for Roxas. It felt like they had chemistry.

He couldn’t shake the disappointment. The closer he got to the ground the more it weighed on him; as if Earth’s gravitational pull was making the whole situation even worse. Axel tried to ignore it. He led the way back into the building and to the public space.

Once there he finally turned to Roxas. “Think about it, will you? I wanna be your friend. You know where to find me.” He raised his hands in a small wave and turned towards the bar.

Axel didn’t get far before his name was called out. He turned around, with a, “Yeah?”

“When do you finish work?”

Could it be? Axel’s heart pounded a little stronger. “Ten-thirty.”

Roxas hesitated before he said, “I’ll meet you here.”

Some of the disappointed weight slid off and Axel smiled. “Awesome. Catch ya then.”

* * *

Even on a Sunday night the place was pretty crowded. Full of college and university students who didn’t know what it meant to have Monday be the start of the week. It kept Axel on his toes pretty much until the end of his shift.

He hadn’t caught sight of Roxas yet, so Axel wasn’t sure if he had stayed or if he was actually going to show up at all. But after he had gotten changed into his clothes – jeans, fleece shirt, and his old trusty leather jacket – he went and stood pretty much at the spot Roxas had declared the meeting area.

Roxas wasn’t there, but Axel waited and looked around, trying to spot him. The dance floor wasn’t as crowded as the night before, so Axel could easily ascertain that Roxas wasn’t there. If Axel was still alone in a few minutes he’d check the lounge area and the small function room where the Sunday night karaoke was going off, by the sounds of all the whooping and cheering coming out of there.

Axel didn’t have to wait much longer though. The sounds of hurried footsteps made him turn around.

“Sorry I’m late.”

“I’m just happy to see you. You wanna dance?” Axel was hoping for something akin to last night.

“Ah–” Roxas hesitantly looked towards the dancefloor and then at Axel, eyes quickly taking him in from head to toe.

Axel enjoyed being checked out, even on the days he wasn’t at his most sexy, like tonight.

“Maybe we can do something else?”

Axel got it. Dancing was too sexy when they were trying to work on being just friends. “Pool?”

Roxas nodded eagerly and they headed upstairs where they found an unoccupied table pretty quickly. Axel began setting up the table, while Roxas grabbed two pool cues. “We playing for anything?”

“Well…” Axel had many ideas. Loser has to kiss the winner wherever he wants. Loser can’t say no to a date. Loser has to give head. Loser has to let the winner fuck him any way the winner wants. It probably wouldn’t fly. “Honor and glory in the knowledge that I’m more skilled than that loser named Roxas.”

Roxas’ mouth flew open and eyes went wide before he simultaneously pouted and glared dangerously. “It’s on like Donkey Kong!”

Axel chuckled and took the cue that Roxas held out to him. “Knowing what’s at stake, you wanna break?”

“It’s all right. I’ll let you have the advantage. You’ll need it.”

Axel scoffed. “Okay. But when I make you cry, don’t say I didn’t give you a choice.”

“I’ve got tissues in my pocket, but they’ve all got your name written on them.”

“Won’t be needing them, thanks. But I appreciate the thoughtfulness.” Axel leaned over the table, lined up his sight and played the break.

The billiards scattered.

“So, where’d you move from?” Axel started the small talk as he circled the table, trying to figure out whether to go for bigs or smalls.

Roxas was quiet for a moment. Axel looked up from where he was testing a shot. Their eyes locked. Roxas looked away and busied himself with chalking his cue tip. “The West Coast,” was the generic reply.

Axel gave a low whistle. “That’s clear across the country. Any particular reason you moved?”

“Work opportunities,” he said flatly.

Axel didn’t like these short answers. He gave Roxas another glance before he returned his attention to the game and his options on the table. “What kind of work?”

“You ever going to take a shot, or are we going to be here ‘til morning?” Roxas asked, testily.

Axel frowned. “What’s eating you all of a sudden?”

“Nothing.”

Axel cocked an eyebrow.

“Just take the shot already.”

“You’re scared, aren’t ya,” Axel teased.

“Terrified,” Roxas deadpanned.

“Good of you to admit that.” He finally took his shot. Both men watched the ball roll and knock a big one into a corner pocket.

“Nice. So you _can_ actually aim,” came the tease.

“Of course,” Axel smiled with self-satisfaction. He walked around the table once more, contemplating his next move. He got the distinct feeling that eyeing Roxas was making the man uncomfortable. “So, c’mon. What kind of job opportunities brought you over here?” he tried again, with the aim to sound as playful about it as possible.

There was some silence before Roxas spoke up, “It’s not really work for me. I don’t really have a job.” Roxas sounded awkward, and then continued with a slight laugh, “It would get in the way of my getting famous plan.”

“So you _do_ have a job. You’re establishing your own business.”

“I… guess?”

Axel had to look up. “Why’re you sounding so wishy-washy about it?”

“Because… it’s not really _work_. It’s more a hobby.”

“A hobby you get paid for though.”

“When I sell anything.”

“I saw the photos on your site. I’d pay like a thousand for the stuff you make, so even if you aren’t churning things out on a mass market scale you must still be making some decent money from it.”

Roxas stopped chalking his stick and gave Axel a dumb look. “You’d pay that much?” Roxas sounded completely baffled.

Axel scoffed. “Yeah. Why? How much you charging?”

“Ah… a hundred or two,” came the meek reply.

“Roxas! At those prices… you’re ripping yourself off. C’mon man. Your stuff’s incredible.”

“You really think so?” Roxas sounded amazingly skeptical.

“Hell-fucking-yeah. You should have more confidence in yourself. How’re you gonna become famous if you keep selling yourself short?”

Mouth opened but no sound came out. Jaw clamped shut again and Roxas shrugged, “Yeah, well I _am_ short. I can’t really do anything about genetics,” he gave Axel a lopsided smile.

It made Axel chuckle. “Be serious. Your height’s got nothing to do with it. And besides, you’re not _that_ short.”

“Well compared to you I am,” he mumbled.

“I am a God amongst men. Both in height and in mad pool skills. Don’t compare us. You’ll just hurt yourself.” Axel winked.

“Oh please. I have yet to see any mad skills from you, so get on with the game already.”

“Fine. I’m about to make you weep.” Axel returned his attention to the table and proceeded to sink three balls in a row.

Roxas was giggling when the miss happened. “Clearly not the God of Pool, huh?”

“Oh, forgive me, your grace. I don’t see anyone calling you that either though.” Axel quirked an eyebrow and smirked.

“Mm, I’m not up myself enough to even attempt calling myself a God, unlike some people I know. I would settle for Pool Master though.”

Axel snorted. “All hot air, I bet.”

“Let’s see.” Roxas hoisted his stick, walked around the table a few times.

“Quit stalling, oh glorious Pool Master,” Axel goaded.

“Shhh, don’t rush genius,” Roxas waved off and continued walking.

“Genius? Who’s full of themselves now?” Axel laughed but stopped by the time Roxas had sunk the seventh ball in a row.

Axel was beyond worried by this stage. “Feel free to miss. Any time now.”

Roxas did. “There, that one’s just for you. Don’t say I’m not generous.”

“Thanks. I appreciate the fighting chance,” and he actually meant it.

They exchanged devious smiles and Axel got back into it. Clearly, Roxas was packing some skill, so Axel had to slow down and really think about his game. He spent more time sussing out his options, bending over and testing different positions.

“I’ve got you completely terrified, haven’t I,” Roxas gloated.

Axel ignored him and kept stalking around the table.

After some time Roxas piped up again, “Take all the time in the world. It won’t stop the inevitable.”

“Shh, Roxas. I’m doing you a favor.”

“Favor?”

“I know you’re checking out my butt. I see you looking.” He flicked eyes onto Roxas, who started stammering and going red. _Busted_ , Axel thought with satisfaction. The jeans he wore were his favorite for a reason after all. “Now be quiet and let a God do his miracle work.”

Roxas did stay quiet.

Axel eventually took his shot and sunk one, two, three balls. He had caught up to Roxas. There was only one left before he’d win the game. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a God works his magic. I will sign autographs at the end of the game,” he boasted as he jogged a quick victory lap, holding his cue stick aloft.

“Wow. I’m gonna laugh so hard when you miss,” Roxas drawled.

Axel scoffed and returned to his position where he lined up his shot. “The crowd will go wild when Axel Rutherford sinks this last ball.”

“ _If_ he sinks it,” Roxas corrected.

“I can smell your fear,” Axel winked. He did a few more practice draws of his stick, mentally mapping out the trajectory the ball would take. “Kiss my ass, Roxas,” he said as he wound up to take the shot.

“Okay.”

Axel slipped, hitting the ball at an awkward angle and missed his target. He stood up, “Hey!”

Roxas shrugged with one shoulder and gave a smug smile before taking up his cue stick once more. “You’re about to lose, Mister Rutherford. God no more, you shall be.”

Axel was a bit stressed. He had missed his chance. He hoped Roxas wouldn’t make it. And as he watched he began feeling confident again. Roxas was taking his time finding a good spot to hit the cue ball from. It helped that the ball was smack bang in the middle of the table. “Having some issues there, Pool Master?”

“No. I got this.” Roxas tried reaching a good position on tiptoes first and then resorted to hopping on the table and sitting on the edge of the cushion. When that still wasn’t working right he bent down and more or less lay on the table.

“A Pool Master like yourself surely knows that one foot has to be on the floor at all times to not make the shot a foul, right?”

“Of course,” Roxas grumbled and slid back down, dangling one leg.

Axel moved around the table to Roxas’ side so he could make sure the rules were upheld. As he watched Roxas struggling to keep contact with the floor whilst getting in a good position to make his shot, Axel started laughing.

“This game is rigged towards tall people,” Roxas exclaimed.

“Aww. Poor Pool Master.”

Roxas continued to struggle. Eventually he slid off the table completely and reassessed what he was doing. He walked around some more, tried to stretch awkwardly and attempted holding himself, and the cue stick, in different positions.

In the end he came back to where he had first attempted to lay across the table. He sighed. “Can we make an exception and move the cue ball?”

Axel shook his head and Roxas contorted his face in thoughtful annoyance.

It made Axel chuckle. He stepped up to Roxas. “There is one thing we could do.”

“We?”

Axel nodded. “I can give you a boost.”

Roxas looked skeptically confused. “Whaddya mean?”

“Can I show you?”

He looked at Axel, then the table, then Axel again. “Yeah, okay,” he nodded.

“Turn around.”

He squinted at Axel and then slowly did as he had been asked to do. Axel stepped up behind him, wound arms around Roxas’ waist and hoisted him up.

“Woah, what’s happening?” Roxas’ hands splayed out across the table surface as he braced and stabilized himself.

“My feet are on the ground, and by extension so are yours. So just take your shot.”

Roxas threw Axel a look over his shoulder. “You’re not gonna drop me or something cheap just as I’m about to shoot, are you?”

Axel squeezed Roxas’ sides. “You’re in safe hands, babe,” he winked.

Roxas reddened slightly and turned around, “Okay then.”

He moved a bit and wiggled against Axel’s hold until he found a good position and alignment between the ball and his stick.

Axel thoroughly enjoyed holding Roxas’ backside against himself and let his mind wander to having a naked Roxas pressed up against him like this. His mind cleared however as he watched Roxas finally take the shot. “Corner left pocket,” Roxas said.

The cue ball launched straight at its intended target and sunk.

Roxas cheered and Axel helped him get off the table. He let his arms linger against Roxas’ body and kept himself pressed to his back.

“Very nice shot, Roxas. You’re the true Pool Master.”

Roxas turned around and grinned up at Axel. “The honor and glory is all mine?”

“It’s all yours,” he rumbled with a soft smile. There was something so gorgeous about seeing Roxas happy.

They stayed pressed together, looking and smiling at each other until it seemed to register to Roxas what they were doing. He couldn’t really step away as he was wedged between the table and Axel. He found some reprieve by looking away briefly, but moments later returned with an adorably shy smile on his face. “So, what do you want to do now?” The smile turned cheeky, “Losers pick.”

Axel cocked an eyebrow and huffed in amusement. He wanted to dance but figured it might not go down so well. “Karaoke.”

Roxas nodded and Axel grabbed his hand, leading the way down the stairs.

* * *

The karaoke room was dark and filled with groups of people. Once their eyes adjusted they found somewhere to sit. Axel produced a book full of songs which they could choose from. They perused through the extensive list and eventually had a solid ensemble of five classic glam rock ballads and one special song that Axel had picked out without Roxas' knowing. 

The paper slip was submitted to Jonah, who hosted the karaoke night, and then Axel and Roxas waited for them to be called up to sing. When they were, they sang with whim and vigor. They played their air-guitar solos when the instrumental interludes happened and cracked each other up with laughter as they one-upped each other with the ridiculousness of their moves. After their last duet, they retreated back to their seats, giggling as they finished eating their snacks. 

When Axel's name was called out again Roxas looked at him with surprise. "I thought we were done."

"We are, but _I'm_ not. I've got a special song, just for you." Axel winked and left for the front of the room, big smirk on his face. When he reached the microphone he bowed his head, cleared his throat, and began his final song.

 **♪** _You should take it as a compliment_  
**♪** _That I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk_  
**♪** _You should think about the consequence_  
**♪** _Of your magnetic field being a little too strong_  
**♪** _And I got a boyfriend, he's older than us_  
**♪** _He's in the club doing, I don't know what_  
**♪** _You're so cool, it makes me hate you so much_

 **♪** _Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine_  
**♪** _You've ruined my life, by not being mine_ \- Axel winked and watched Roxas sink down in his chair, hand covering his face.

 **♪** _You're so gorgeous_  
**♪** _I can't say anything to your face_  
**♪** _Cause look at your face_  
**♪** _And I'm so furious_  
**♪** _At you for making me feel this way_  
**♪** _But, what can I say?_  
**♪** _You're gorgeous_

 **♪** _You should take it as a compliment_  
**♪** _That I'm talking to everyone here but you_  
**♪** _And you should think about the consequence_  
**♪** _Of you touching my hand in the darkened room_  
**♪** _If you've got a girlfriend, I'm jealous of her_  
**♪** _But if you're single that's honestly worse_  
**♪** _'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurt_

 **♪** _Ocean blue eyes looking in mine_  
**♪** _I feel like I might sink and drown and die_ \- Axel crooned.

 **♪** _You're so gorgeous_  
**♪** _I can't say anything to your face_  
**♪** _Cause look at your face_  
**♪** _And I'm so furious_  
**♪** _At you for making me feel this way_  
**♪** _But what can I say?_  
**♪** _You're gorgeous_

 **♪** _You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah_  
**♪** _There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have_  
**♪** _You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad_  
**♪** _You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah_  
**♪** _There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have_  
**♪** _Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats_  
**♪** _Alone, unless you wanna come along, oh_

Axel grinned and winked again. Roxas was peering at him through the gaps in his fingers.

 **♪** _You're so gorgeous_  
**♪** _I can't say anything to your face_  
**♪** _'Cause look at your face_  
**♪** _And I'm so furious_  
**♪** _At you for making me feel this way_  
**♪** _But what can I say?_  
**♪** _You're gorgeous_

 **♪** _You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah_  
**♪** _There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have_  
**♪** _You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad_  
**♪** _You're gorgeous_  
**♪** _You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah_  
**♪** _There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have_  
**♪** _You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad_  
**♪** _You're gorgeous **(1)**_

Axel took a bow after his performance and sauntered over to Roxas. “Hey, gorgeous,” he sang as he flopped into the chair next to Roxas.

“How’re you not dead with embarrassment?” Roxas squeaked, hand slowly dropping away, exposing the look of mortification on his face.

“I’ve sung worse. Want me to demonstrate?”

“No!” Roxas yelped. He grabbed Axel’s arm and dragged him out of the room, towards the dance floor.

They stood together, letting the music wash over them. The dancing wasn’t grindy or sexy. No. It was fun. _Very_ fun. They got into a dance-off. Roxas started it with a half box step and a challenging look. Axel accepted, following suit and completed a full box step. And then it was on. They kept adding to, and one-upping each other.

There were moonwalks, heel spins, split leaps, floor flips, arabesques, robots, pirouettes, and many more.

By the end of it all, Axel and Roxas found their way back up to the roof for some fresh and cool spring air, as they were both dripping with sweat. They lay on a small blanket which Axel had produced from a box and were looking up at the light-polluted sky, shoulder to shoulder. Empty water bottles surrounded them and for a while there was nothing but heavy breathing until their heart rates calmed.

“It was a good fight, Roxas,” Axel said up to the sky.

Roxas gave a glance, “You only won because of your damn legs.”

“Don’t be a sore loser. Yes, it was my legs, but if you could do the splits you could’ve impressed everyone too.”

Roxas laughed. “How did you even manage that in your jeans?”

Axel turned his head and winked. “Well, they’re pretty elastic, which comes in handy when impromptu dance battles happen.”

“Is that why you bought them? As battle armor for the hundreds of battles you fight each year?” Roxas giggled.

“I fight thousands. People come from all over the world to fight and also witness the infamous Axel, King of Dance, sway his hips.”

Roxas snorted at that, which made Axel grin. “Plus, they have the added benefit of being very form fitting, which makes my arse look amazing in them.”

Roxas smiled softly, “Yeah, they do.”

Axel smirked, purred with delight and waggled his eyebrows at Roxas suggestively.

Roxas’ smile faded, and he turned his head back up at the sky. The city ambience filled the air. The night was peaceful, and Axel felt content being up there with Roxas at his side.

“What are we doing?” Roxas muttered quietly.

Axel turned his head. “Huh? Hanging out after a night of mad fun. Chillaxing, yeah?”

Roxas raised his arm at the elbow, pulling Axel’s along with it. “Then what’s this?”

Axel looked at their interlaced fingers. They had been holding hands since they lay down together and he wasn’t entirely sure who had initiated it. “Look, if we were two straight girls no one would bat an eyelid. It would be cute, and we’d be talking about how and when our periods would sync up.”

“But we’re not.” Roxas sounded tired.

“So? If we were two straight guys you could assume we were sensitive BFF’s. People would applaud us for being cool bros.”

“But we’re not straight.”

“Yeah, okay we’re not straight, or girls. We’re two gay guys holding hands. So what? Our periods could still sync up though.”

Roxas gave a breathy laugh. “So, you’re saying this is nothing.”

Axel didn’t like the sound of that. “I think we both know it’s not nothing.”

“Then can you stop brushing me off and give me a straight answer?” Roxas said softly and wiggled their clasped hands around a little, which were still held aloft as evidence.

“Shouldn’t I be giving you a gay answer?” Axel chuckled.

“Axel,” Roxas reprimanded with no ferocity behind it.

Sadly, his attempts at a good-natured blow-off were failing. He gave a sighing hum. “Fine. There’s no denying that we like each other. We’re already such good friends and it’s only been two days. That’s why we’re holding hands. I don’t see a problem with it. And I don’t think you do either… I mean… not like you’re letting go or anything.” Axel gave a squeeze and hoped it would be well received.

It was. Roxas returned it after a few seconds and lowered their hands.

“I don’t want you to worry. I know this won’t go anywhere. You have a boyfriend after all.” Axel felt sad having to admit that.

Roxas nodded with a slight smile, seeming relieved that Axel acknowledged it.

“I don’t intend to get between you and him. But I still like hanging out with you like this… which I know probably sounds like an oxymoron.”

Roxas sighed. “It… does seem complicated. I don’t know anyone here. I don’t really want to give this up.”

“I don’t want you to, either. You know, people have all kinds of different relationships. Maybe this is just how it’ll be for us. Holding hands, being all touchy-feely. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than us being really good friends. Or if it’s a problem for you, tell me and I’ll be less… all over you. I’ll admit that I am making an effort to find excuses to get my hands on you.” Axel kept his eyes on Roxas, looking for any signs of discomfort.

There was a tiny smile, and then the cutest darting of eyes. “You really like me?”

“Yeah, I do. Why’s that so hard to believe?” He rubbed small circles against Roxas’ hand.

“Maybe because it’s been two days.” He smiled, lifted their hands again and looked at their interlaced fingers.

“You’re okay with this, aren’t you?” Axel squeezed again.

There was a long pause.

Axel began to worry. He didn’t want Roxas to call it quits between them. It was so frustrating how much he liked this guy. Frustrating to be caught up in wanting someone who was taken. Axel truly didn’t want to cause problems for Roxas though. But he was also selfish and wanted to see how far he could push things.

“Yeah,” Roxas breathed out eventually.

Axel’s shoulders relaxed. He hadn’t realized how tense he had been. “Awesome. Tell me if I’m coming on too strong and making you uncomfortable though. I’ll dial it back. And don’t let my friend Lucy catch us doing this,” Axel squeezed Roxas’ hand again. “She’ll ship us in two seconds flat and have a fanfiction written about us by the end of the day,” he laughed.

“Really? That would happen?”

“Yeah. She’ll ship anything with a pulse. She loves finding the romantic angle and running with it. Blames her job as a sports journalist. All that bromancing on sports teams gets her all hot and bothered,” he chuckled.

“No, I mean meeting your friends.”

“Oh. Of course. Why wouldn’t you? You’re a part of the larger fabric that makes up my social network now. And since you don’t have a _job_ ,” Axel did air quotation marks, while still holding on to Roxas, “you’ll have plenty of time to come hang out with me before I go to work. And we can do things on my days off. A bunch of my friends go to university, so they don’t really have anything to do all day anyway,” he laughed. “That sound good? You’ll come and meet my friends?”

“Ah… yeah. That does sound like fun. I can probably do this week. Not so sure about next.”

“Why’s that?”

Roxas worried at his lower lip for a moment before speaking, “Going to spend time with Vanitas.”

“Oh, that’s your boyfriend, right?” Axel already didn’t like the guy. What a pompous name.

“Yeah.”

“Why isn’t he hanging out with you right now, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Again, Roxas took his time answering, and when he spoke, it was slow and measured, “He’s still back at our old home. He’s a business consultant manager, so he has a lot of portfolios and people to overlook. Makes it a bit hard for him to just up and leave. So he sent me ahead to get everything ready and to get Cheshire settled in.”

“Cheshire?”

“She’s our cat.” Some energy returned to Roxas, “We adopted her from a shelter. She was abused as a kitten, so she is really sensitive when it comes to change, and she’s super slow to warm up to new people and places.”

 _Damn_ , they had a cat together. That was like the gay equivalent of having a child together, Axel grumbled in his head. “Poor thing. How’s she doing with the move?”

“Really well, actually. The first two days she was meowing like crazy all day and night, and she wouldn’t come out of her carrier. But she’s super relaxed now. You wanna see photos?”

“Yeah, sure.” But he kind of regretted it because Roxas finally pulled his hand out of Axel’s and went fishing for his phone.

Roxas pulled out a really old model – one Axel hadn’t seen in years. He was formulating some joke to make about it but got completely distracted by Roxas suddenly pressing himself against Axel’s body as he scooched close and rested his head on Axel’s shoulder. Roxas held the phone aloft and began scrolling through photos.

 _God damn_ , Axel liked the feel of him there. He pulled his arm out from beneath Roxas and wound it around the other man. Roxas sunk down a little and nestled more comfortably against Axel’s side.

“This is when we first got her. See how manky she was? Full of mange. But it cleared up and was completely gone after a month.” Roxas quickly zoomed through a bunch more photos to ones of a much happier looking cat.

“Man, is that the same cat? She looks completely different.”

Roxas tilted his head to grin up at Axel. “Yeah. I gave her heaps of baths. She smelled so fruity,” he beamed with pride.

“You bathed a cat? Multiple times? Roxas! How’re you still alive to tell the tale?”

Roxas gave a giddy laugh. “It wasn’t easy. My arms and legs looked like a slashers victim. But she learned to appreciate it after a while. Or at least stop trying to use me as an escape ladder.”

Axel laughed with amusement and lazily traced his finger back and forth along Roxas’ stomach, just above where his pants sat. It was automatic and natural and when Axel noticed himself doing it he didn’t stop. He decided to let Roxas tell him when to quit. And as it stood, Roxas was clearly not bothered by it. He continued talking and flicking through images.

“She will actually come and sit at the edge of the bathtub whenever I have a bath, and swat at the water.”

“You think she’s trying to murder it?”

Roxas chuckled. “Never occurred to me. Maybe she is. Plotting her revenge on the nasty water.”

“As long as she doesn’t get revenge on you. I’d hate to see you get hurt.”

Roxas’ happy smile dipped and quavered for a moment. “Oh look, this is us taking a siesta,” Roxas enthused with great passion.

Axel looked at the selfie Roxas had taken with his cat. Both wore sombreros. “Where’d you get a mini sombrero from?” he laughed.

“Dollar stores are amazing places.”

“Did you cut little holes in it to fit her ears?”

“Yeah,” Roxas grinned.

Axel laughed in sheer delight. It was so dorky and so cute.

Roxas showed Axel more photos. Some silly, some not so. There was one of him and his cat, wearing glasses and matching Halloween outfits. Roxas also skimmed over other photos pertaining to his hobby, happy food snaps, and other seemingly random stuff.

Axel was acutely aware of seeing no photos of Roxas and his boyfriend together. He decided to hold his tongue.

“Hold up, can you go back a few?”

“Huh? Why?” Roxas scrolled back.

“Why’d you take a photo of that?” He vaguely pointed at a photo of what seemed to be a close-up of a sidewalk.

“Reference. I like the texturing. I might be able to replicate something like that on leather. Who knows.”

Axel whistled. “I dig how passionate you are, Roxas.”

“Thanks,” Roxas gave a small nervous laugh and continued scrolling, until, “And this is the last one I took just yesterday.”

It was of Roxas in his sexy clothes from the previous day, and little Cheshire wearing a matching vest.

“Very cute, Roxas. Looks like she puts up with a lot.”

“Yeah. She’s the best cat ever.” Roxas slipped his phone in a front pocket and continued lying snuggled against Axel. “Do you have any pets?”

“No.” Axel moved his arm up and started playing with Roxas’ hair, stroking strands and twirling tufts around his fingers.

Roxas seemed unfazed. In fact, he tilted his head a tiny bit towards Axel’s hand. “Oh, why not? You don’t like animals?”

“No, I do. But the idea of looking after something that’s dependent on me is kinda scary.”

“Oh. It’s not that bad. You’d be surprised how dependent you get on your pet. It’s like a symbiotic relationship. I don’t know what I’d do without Chesh some days. It’s nice to feel wanted and needed. Van always says I’m crazy – that she doesn’t see me as anything but a food source, but I swear she’s happy to see me every day.”

Roxas’ words struck Axel quite hard. It was inexplicable. Why would he say such a thing? Did Roxas not feel loved in his relationship? That thought actually caused a twinge in the corner of Axel’s eye.

“Well, I believe you,” he said, and internally yelled, _take that, Vanitas_. “My Aunt Amanda has this cat Gertrude – yeah, don’t even ask about the name,” Axel laughed as Roxas gave an infinitely baffled but amused look, “anyway, this cat always sits by her bed whenever Aunty feels unwell. And my Uncle Ben died a few years ago. Gertrude wouldn’t leave my Aunt’s side. Not even to go eat.”

“Yeah?” Roxas said quietly.

“Yeah. Animals are amazing like that.”

Roxas nodded and then his face turned all sad. Eyes shimmered, reflecting the dim ambient light around them. He sniffled and quickly sat up.

Axel followed suit. “Everything okay?” He rubbed at the man’s back.

Roxas nodded but kept his back turned. “Yeah. Yeah. It’s just a really nice story.”

“Okay. But if something’s upsetting you, you can tell me,” he kept rubbing.

“Everything’s fine, but thanks, Axel.”

Axel saw hands go up to face. It looked like Roxas was wiping at possible tears.

“I… can give you a hug if you want. I know I’m skinny, but friends say I give pretty amazing hugs. And I’m not even making that up. You can ask ‘em.” Axel stilled his soothing motion and rested hand on Roxas’ shoulder, giving a light squeeze.

Roxas chuckled a little. “Nah, it’s all right,” he turned his head a bit. “I think the only thing I need is to go back to my cat, who loves me and get some sleep.” Roxas raised himself, wiped elbow against his face and turned around again.

Axel also rose alongside Roxas. Words were swimming in his head about the cat not being the only one who could love him, but he left it well alone.

“Thanks for today, Axel. I had a lot of fun.”

“Same. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Ah,” Roxas sniffled and looked around himself. “I think I’ll stay home tomorrow, but… did you say you have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off?”

“Yup.”

“Maybe we can hang out with some of your other friends then?”

“Yeah, sure. That’d be awesome. We meet up at The Kingdom for lunch at twelve-thirty on Tuesdays. Want me to text you the details?”

“No, it’s fine. Can you just tell me the address? I’ll remember it.”

“Ah, one-fifty-five Earl Street… it’s off Fourth. Can’t really miss it. It’s got a ginormous crown sitting on top of the building. You gonna be okay finding that?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Cool. Well, I’ll see you on Tuesday then.”

“Yeah.” Roxas bent over and started picking up the water bottles.

“Nah, man. Leave that. I’ll sort it out,” Axel took the empty plastic bottle Roxas had fetched out of the man’s hand, brushing at fingers as he went. Axel just couldn’t help himself.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. You look really tired. Go home and cuddle Miss Cheshire.”

Roxas gave a weary smile. “Thanks, Axel.” He got up on his tiptoes and kissed Axel on the cheek. “Good-night.”

“Night, gorgeous. I’ll miss seeing you tomorrow.”

Roxas huffed in amusement, shook his head a little, and gave the cutest smile Axel had ever seen. Nothing else was said between them and he watched Roxas make his way off the roof.

Axel listened to feet clanking down metal stair after metal stair and then breathed in deep. The cool night air soothed his racing heart. He wondered what it must be like to date Roxas. If he was already feeling this amazing just being friends… _friends_. Would it kill him if they never became anything more than friends? Could Axel be happy for Roxas if he ever chose to do something like marry Vanitas?

Axel shook his head and began tidying up. Those were such stupid thoughts to have. They had literally only known each other for two days. Axel would surely get bored soon enough, as the novelty of having the hots for forbidden fruit wore off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(1)** \- Song Credit - _Gorgeous_ \- by **Taylor Swift**
> 
> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Come On To Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl8apPtmUUM) by Paul McCartney  
> [Empty Space](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtor5G0t6gI) by Lifehouse
> 
> Hil did some oh-so-lovely fanart/cover art for my fic. You can see it on their [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Hirumiatxt/status/1031137855727329280?s=09) feed. Leave them some love. Thank you so much! Again, I appreciate it so much!!


	3. A Day Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Axel spends the day with Roxas and suspicions grow.

Axel woke up with a start as his alarm blared. He grabbed for his phone, squinting at the lock-screen, trying to comprehend what was going on. It was 10:30 am. Who the hell got up at such an ungodly hour? He stuck his finger on the snooze icon and slid it into the middle. But before he let go to slumber on, a message he had seemingly set last night scrolled across the screen, _‘Don’t go back to sleep moron. Meet Kairi, duh.’_ Axel tried to grasp what the message was about, not entirely understanding at first… then suddenly it clicked. Eyes shot open and he opted for turning the alarm off instead and attempted to get up.

Axel wasn’t a morning person. In part, because he worked late, and also because he wasn’t crazy. So it physically hurt to get himself up and ready, but he did.

He took a dump, showered, shaved, and got dressed. He pulled on skinny jeans — belt already pre-looped — slipped on an old band shirt, and his favorite worn, studded leather jacket, with a few chains dangling from the pockets. Everything was there, laid out for him at the foot of his bed. He thought he could kiss his past self for looking after sleepy-Axel in such a nice way. If this had been up to himself now, he’d probably walk out in his pajama bottoms and the Booty Call novelty joke shirt he had slept in.

Not a good look, especially if he was finally going to see Roxas again. Axel _really_ looked forward to his reunion with the other man, so it spurred him on.

He pulled on socks and wandered back into his rather tiny bathroom, applying a thin layer of mascara, gelling his hair slightly to make some pronounced spikes, and lastly splashed on some cologne. He also fastened a choker and clapped on two studded bracelets that he kept in the bottom drawer of the bathroom vanity. He quickly gave himself a once over, deemed it good enough, and headed out after strapping on boots, which added a couple extra inches.

The café he was headed for was only three stops away on the bus line. Axel made it through the doors of The Kingdom by a whisker past twelve.

“You’re late,” a familiar voice reprimanded as he approached a booth in the back of the café.

“Only by a bit,” he slid in, opposite of the woman dressed in a rose-colored denim dress.

She cocked an eyebrow, pulled out her phone and after some fiddling read, “Hey Kai-Kai, could you please meet me a bit earlier tomorrow? Eleven-thirty? Swear I’ll be there.” She put her phone away again. “So what’s this, Ax?”

“I’m here. I never said I’d be on time.”

“The punctuality was implied when you _set_ a time.” She stirred the drink which was before her, pulled out the spoon, and licked it. “So anyway, you’re here now. What’s up?”

“Right, yeah. So, over the weekend I met a really cute guy — ”

“Seriously? Boy troubles? I thought you were old enough to sort out your love life by now.”

Man, she was grumpy today. “C’mon, hear me out.”

She gestured with her hand, indicating that Axel had the floor.

“We hit it off. We talked, and joked and danced. God, did we dance.” That memory was his favorite to replay whilst he’d jacked off. “We could have dropped and had sex right there on the dance floor.”

An eye-roll. “I hope you waited ‘til you got home.”

“Well, that’s the thing… we were about to start kissing — but then he left when things were just about to get good. He came back the next night wanting to talk. And then he told me he’s got a boyfriend.”

“Oh no. Axel, no. You guys didn’t end up doing anything, right?”

“No, we didn’t.”

Kairi sighed with relief.

“Would it be so bad if we did though?” It’s not what he wanted to talk to Kairi about, but he figured he might as well ask about this too. He had been scrutinizing his morality all of yesterday… which had been very annoying.

“Axel!”

“I know what it sounds like —”

“You sure? Because right now it sounds like you’re looking for excuses to actually pursue this guy. You’re talking about infidelity here. You’re gonna be one of _those_ people we all hate, just to get a cheap thrill for a night?” she waggled her finger at him.

That was the difficult thing he grappled with. It was his rule when he got with anyone — they were to have no partner. He wasn’t sure why he let Roxas be an exception. Well… he kind of _did_ know. “But that’s the thing — I really like him. I want more than just one night.”

“That makes it even worse! You’re gonna sabotage this guy’s relationship?”

“Well, that’s where I need your help.”

Mouth flew open and arms crossed chest. “Ex _cuse_ me? I’m not helping you ruin other peoples’ lives.”

“Will you just shut up and listen for two minutes?” he groaned.

Kairi scowled with disgust but said no more.

“Thanks. So… I’m not actually sure if I _am_ ruining their relationship. There’s something off and I don’t know what it is exactly. I’m _really_ into him, Kai. I want him all to myself, so maybe I _am_ imagining things. Hoping their relationship is on the rocks and I’m looking for unhappiness and dissatisfaction to justify why I’m not keeping my hands off him. I dunno. You’re pretty level-headed, so I wanna run this by you.” He gave his best pitying pout.

Kairi sighed. “Fine. I’ll hold off my judgment of you being a complete sleaze-bag until you tell me what evidence you have.”

“Cool, so Roxas — that’s his name by the way — he’s super fun, friendly and open, but when we talk about his relationship he gets all tense and snappy. Yeah, yeah. I know what you’re thinking — _’it’s because he knows what we’re doing is wrong.’_ ”

Kairi nodded.

“But… Roxas is really sweet and he was upfront about the boyfriend. He doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who’d cheat on anyone, so I don’t think he’d have let us almost kiss if he was actually happy with what he’s got.”

Kairi narrowed her eyes, “Well, you didn’t seem like someone who’d ever cheat either… until five minutes ago. Goes to show you can never really know someone,” she muttered.

Axel sighed. He felt like he was losing what little justification for his actions he had talked himself into. But maybe he could still change her mind and make himself feel better. “But anyway, from his actions I’m left thinking that things aren’t all good at home. He showed me a bunch of photos on his phone on Sunday — we were on the roof at work by the way, totally snuggling and holding hands.” Axel saw the way Kairi fidgeted. He appreciated her holding her tongue at this very moment. “So again, why would we do that if he was happy? But the point is, I didn’t see a single photo of him with his guy. Not even a solo photo of the guy. That’s not normal, right?”

“Can I speak now?”

“You may.”

A massive eye roll was followed by, “There could be a million reasons for that. Maybe he uses a real camera for those kinds of photos, or maybe he only showed you a certain folder. Maybe he feels so bad about the cheating that he’s trying to keep his boyfriend out of sight, out of mind,” she raised a pointed eyebrow at Axel.

They sat and stared at each other. Kairi’s spoon clanked as she stirred her drink again.

“Well, that’s why I need your help. See, I didn’t even consider those other things.”

“Guess your dick is doing all the thinking nowadays. Such a shame. You used to be a real nice guy.”

Axel groaned. “I know I’m being a douchey scumbag right now, but good-guy-Axel still lives inside. You know I have considered that Roxas’ boyfriend could be the sweetest guy. But… if he was, then…” Axel chewed on his lip. “I don’t see any other possibility than their relationship somehow being no good. And don’t tell anyone but… I know I’m not that great either. Not enough to leave a perfectly happy relationship behind for. I’m selfish and egotistical. But still, he’s happy to spend time with me. I’m seriously not forcing myself on him. At least, I don’t think I am,” he muttered as an aside. “And yet, you know, there I was with Roxas all weekend, letting him take the lead. And he took it. I’m not pushing for anything more than hanging out together. My only crime is that I’m being a bit over-friendly with him. So, if he’s serious about his current relationship, he knows he can say no to me. I made sure he knew that.” He stared expectantly at her.

“You done now?

“I guess, yeah?”

“You two are still fucking cheating. You’re ingratiating yourself and emotionally sabotaging an already existing relationship.”

“Can you maybe focus on the part where I need your help?”

“What do you want me to do? I can’t tell if you’re imagining things since you’re telling me this stuff from your already biased and imagining imagination.”

“Ah, well that’s where I’m a genius. I invited him to hang out with us today.”

Spoon dropped. “You did what? Why?”

“So you can meet him and talk to him yourself.”

“About both of your poor life choices?”

“Kairi! Be serious!”

“I _am_ ,” she glowered.

“I want you to talk to him about his boyfriend and see how he behaves. And then you can tell me if I’m crazy and imagining things.”

“Why’s it have to be me?”

“Because you can read people.”

“What makes you think that?”

“You’re studying psychology.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, it’s psychology, Axel, not mind reading.”

“Aren’t those two the same thing, just under a different name?” he said whimsically.

“They’re not. I could probably tell you all about your dysfunctions though, but that would take forever and we don’t have much time before everyone else gets here,” she glanced at her watch.

“Even more reason for you to agree to this.”

“Why can’t you ask Flik, or Ruth, or even Lucy?”

“They’re into sciences and engineering. They don’t understand people like we do. And Lucy… well, you know how she gets.”

Kairi laughed a little. “You have a point there.” She turned serious again though, “But if you understood people like you claim you do, then this… what was his name?”

“Roxas.”

“If you understood Roxas so well you wouldn’t be asking me.”

“I think I get him. Which is why the cheating seems confusing. And which is also why I need a second opinion.”

“My opinion is you leave him alone to be with his boyfriend.”

“Just talk to him today, and if you think I’m crazy I’ll totally friend-zone myself with him. No touching or flirting. So whaddya say, Kai-Kai? Be my independent observer?”

Wearing a scowl, she brought her drink to lips and mulled things over while she drank. Axel observed, his leg nervously shaking under the table while he waited.

After a while, Kairi put the drink down and groaned. “Fine.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“You owe me.”

“I’ll pay for lunch and anything else we get up to today that might cost money.”

“You better,” her seemingly perpetual frown finally lifted. “Hey, Ruth! Hey, Shiki!”

Axel turned his attention to his friends who were slowly arriving. “Hey, guys!”

“Woah! What’s Axel doing here already?” Shiki pointed, mouth agape.

Within a further five minutes, Flik, Dee, Lucy, and Paul arrived as well.

“Sam said he can’t make it today,” Paul announced as he climbed over Dee and Shiki, to sit next to Ruth.

“So we’re all here then. Might as well order food,” Dee enthused. “I really want to try their special deer burger,” he said, smacking lips.

“There’s deer?” Flik snatched the specials menu from him.

“Dude, next time ask instead of being Mister Grabby Hands,” he scowled at Flik, who sat across the booth from him.

“I’m still waiting on someone.” Axel had kept a close eye on the door, waiting for Roxas to make an entrance.

“Oh, who?” Shiki waggled her eyebrows.

Axel caught Kairi’s nose-wiggle of unhappiness.

“A guy I met over the weekend.”

Nearly everyone at the table went, _“Oooooo!”_

Axel wished he could, ‘ _oooo,’_ along with them. Instead, he begrudgingly said, “It’s not like that. He’s got a boyfriend. But he’s new in town and doesn’t know anyone, so I thought it might be nice for him to meet some people. We can show him around the city, if you guys don’t have much else to do the rest of the day.”

“No can do. Major project due in two days,” Flik said, nose still deep in the menu.

“I’m out too,” Lucy announced, while she busily watched the television mounted on the wall above the register, all the while scribbled something in her notebook.

“Shiki and I can’t stay either. We have a group thing we need to go do today,” Dee said, giving Shiki a look to confirm.

She nodded in agreement. “But if we finish it we can come out tomorrow to do some sightseeing if that’s still happening.”

“Cool. I’m gonna go outside, see if I can spot him. You guys order without me.” He got up, but before he had gone two steps he whirled around. “Be nice when we come in. No dumb ‘ooo-ing’ and don’t ask questions.”

He walked away to the sound of giggles and sniggers.

Axel really wished he had gotten Roxas’ number. He worried that the man had gotten lost, or changed his mind. When he got outside, however, his fears were allayed.

There, to his left, past the shop front window, was Roxas, leaning against the brick wall of the building. Axel thought he looked mighty fine, dressed in monochrome. Something about it reminded him of Saturday’s outfit, but it looked more casual and a bit more everyday-wear appropriate. He seemed to be staring intensely at his phone, with a deep frown.

“Roxas!” Axel called and walked towards him.

Roxas jumped a little at hearing his name. Head turned towards Axel and phone slipped away into a pocket somewhere.

“Hey,” he said, looking less enthusiastic than Axel had hoped.

The tongue-in-cheek greeting Axel had wanted to give, died on his tongue. Instead, he said, “Hey, man! What’re you doing out here? Everyone’s inside. C’mon, let’s eat,” Axel nodded towards the door with a big smile.

“I was just taking a call.”

“You’re done now though, so let’s go.” Axel tried to bring his arm around Roxas’ back to usher him towards the entrance of the café, but Roxas side-stepped, evading the contact.

Baffled, Axel asked, “Is everything okay?”

There was no answer, only a worrying of lips and gaze directed at the ground.

“Roxas,” he said softly, stepping a little closer but keeping hands to himself.

“I… don’t know if I should. Maybe it’s best if I just go home.”

“No, why? What’s wrong? What happened? Was it the phone call?” _Was it your boyfriend?_ Axel thought to himself with more venom.

Eyes shot up, wide and a little wild.

_Bingo_ , Axel told himself with annoyance.

“No, no. Nothing like that. I just —” Roxas looked towards the café. “There’s so many people. I’m not really good in big social settings.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine. I told them all to behave themselves, and they’ll be too busy eating in a bit to talk. And after, it’ll only be five of us walking around. The rest have places to be.”

Roxas stared at the ground again, silently.

Axel waited a moment. Still nothing. “I’ll look after you, promise.” He gave his sweetest smile.

Roxas looked up and then eyed Axel carefully, “No one will mess with you dressed like that.”

“You like it?” he spun on heels.

Roxas continued eyeing him, a smile curling one corner of his mouth, and he gave a small nod.

Axel beamed. “I like what you’ve got on too.” Urge to touch was strong. He tucked hands into his jacket pockets instead.

“Thanks.”

“So you hungry or what, gorgeous?” Axel winked. He was rewarded by Roxas huffing with the tiniest laugh, which lit Axel right up.

Roxas’ eyes darted between Axel and the entrance of The Kingdom before he finally said, “Yeah, I am.”

“Awesome. You okay with money today? I don’t mind paying if you’re not. I get hella good tips.” Axel walked back towards the café doors and Roxas followed.

“No, I’ve still got the hundred you didn’t take.”

“Awesome, but if you need me to spot you, just let me know.”

They entered the building and Axel stopped off at the counter to get their orders in before he led the way to the booth his friends occupied.

“So, this is Roxas,” he introduced.

There were enthusiastic and polite greetings uttered, and Axel ushered Roxas in to sit between Lucy and himself.

Introductions of all Axel’s friends were made, food was ordered, and then everyone creepily stared at Roxas with big grins.

Roxas looked around. Axel could see the discomfort.

“Knock it off guys. I told you to leave him alone.”

“You told us to not ask questions, so we aren’t,” Ruth declared, as the current spokesperson for everyone present.

“Instead you’re all just being creepy?”

The gang nodded.

Axel leaned over to Roxas, “I’m sorry about them.”

“You shouldn’t have told them something dumb like that. I can answer questions. Lay them on me.”

“Sweet!” Flik squeaked. “Roxas, would you rather have one giant hundred-pound puppy, or one hundred one-pound puppies?”

Roxas’ baffled look turned to one of amusement. “Counter question – can I change the puppies to kittens?”

Flik stroked his goatee thoughtfully for a moment. “Yeah okay. I’ll allow the concession.”

“One hundred one-pound kittens then, and Axel has to clean the litter boxes.”

The table laughed while Axel made sounds of indignation.

“You love cats too?” Ruth leaned forward a little.

“Yeah. I grew up down the street from a cat shelter. I helped clean out the litter boxes and was allowed to go around and give all the boarding cats their dinners over school holidays,” Roxas grinned.

“Oh wow. That must have been fun, but also kind of gross,” Ruth added as an afterthought.

“Oh it was. But because I helped the ladies who ran the place, they let me play with the cats too.”

Ruth cooed. “Now that sounds like something I could have gotten behind. Paul, we should move in next door to a cat shelter. Stuff becoming an engineer. I’m going to become a crazy cat lady instead.”

“You know I’ll support you to the ends of the Earth, but I draw the line at anything more than four cats.”

“Five.” She squinted at him.

“Four.”

“Five!”

“Three.”

“What? No, you aren’t supposed to go down in number.”

Arms crossed before himself. “It’s going to turn into two —”

“No, no! Four is fine. We’ll get a dog and make it five that way.”

That appeased Paul. “Okay, deal.” He leaned in and Ruth gave him a giggling peck on the lips which ended in them rubbing their noses together.

“Ignore them. They’ve only been dating for three weeks, so they’re all mushy together,” Axel informed.

“It’s cute,” Roxas smiled.

“Aww, Roxas supports our love! It’s decided, you can be a part of our group,” Ruth condoned graciously and buried her face in Paul’s shoulder.

Axel was relieved that things were going well. Roxas seemed to be relaxed and happy, and Axel’s friends were warm and inviting. Not that he ever doubted that they would have been. Even Kairi was smiling.

“Hey, Rox, Shiki here fancies herself a future fashion designer. Maybe you can give her some tips,” Axel nudged Roxas playfully, wanting to make him as comfortable as possible. What better way to do that than to know you had something in common with someone?

Shiki’s eyes lit up. “Really? You like making clothes?”

The smile on Roxas’ face grew, and he leaned in, starting up a fevered discussion about which things Axel had no clue. The banter continued until all their meals had been delivered. Axel’s friends kept asking dumb, inconsequential questions of Roxas, to which the man was able to give amusing answers.

It made Axel like him even more.

* * *

 

After lunch, the party reduced to just Kairi, Paul, Ruth, Roxas, and Axel. They stood around outside of the café, phones pulled out, busy searching for things to do after Roxas had shrugged his shoulders when asked what he wanted to see or do.

“There’s the Natural History Museum, and the Science and Technology Museum,” said Ruth.

“Sounds good,” Roxas nodded.

“We’ll have to pick one. There’s only three hours left before they close, and we’ll never get through both in that time,” Kairi pointed out.

“Whichever.”

“Science it is,” Ruth cheered, grabbed Paul’s hand, and led the procession down the road.

Axel gave Kairi a pointed look as they ambled down the sidewalk.

“So, Roxas,” she began.

“Mm?”

“Axel told me you have a cat. I love cats. Can I see?”

“Oh. Uh, sure.”

Axel slowed down a little and hung back a few steps, pretending to attend to urgent business on his phone, leaving Kairi to schmooze with Roxas.

They seemed to hit it off, talking quite animatedly as they went. It alleviated some of Axel’s worry. If they got on well, then it would be easier for Kairi to sneak in conversations about the boyfriend. Axel looked forward to finding out Kairi’s opinion at the end of the day.

He made sure to give them ample space as they walked towards the museum. He also gave them loads of alone time once they had reached their destination, finding opportunities to abandon them by excitedly rushing off to the next exhibit. He always waited for them to catch up though, since he didn’t want to deprive himself of spending time with Roxas.

This way, a fair few hours were whiled away exploring everything.

When closing time neared, they headed out, somehow managing to avoid getting heavily sucked into the vortex that was the gift shop.

They stood outside in the plaza area, amongst other gathered groups of people. Some were there to admire and play in the fun water features which burst forth from pipes in the ground, while others just used this as a good meeting spot. After all, that was the space’s primary purpose. The plaza was lined with benches set under the shade of trees, where one could rest and enjoy the lengthening of days as they moved through spring and eventually into summer.

“How was that, Roxas?” Axel asked, resisting the urge to gently bump into his side as they stood next to each other.

Eager blue eyes looked up, wide with enthusiasm. “It was so much fun. Where I grew up we didn’t have anything like this.”

“Yeah, the museums here are pretty cool,” was all Axel was able to say, mind drawing a blank, completely enraptured by Roxas’ striking expression and the way their hands brushed together.

“They _are_ pretty cool. I don’t remember the Science Tech being this much fun back when I came here for school excursions,” Paul said, looking back at the exterior of the building.

“There’s been a lot of renovations and a lot more interactive exhibits added over the years. But you’d know that if you had been more of a dedicated science nerd and come here other than when you were dragged to it for field trips,” Ruth teased as she rifled through her gift shop bag.

“Hey! I’m dedicated! Just… didn’t get out much because — I was _so_ dedicated to building bottle rockets and making clouds in jars,” Paul recovered his dignity.

Ruth laughed. “Aren’t you cute.”

Paul winked in response.

“Hmm… I might’ve gotten into science if there had been cool stuff like this around when I grew up,” Axel pondered aloud.

“I’ll blame your teachers for not making it fun,” Paul said, ripping off a tag from a hat he had bought before placing it on Ruth’s head.

“Oh no, Paul. Our teachers had nothing to do with it,” Kairi corrected. “Axel was just way more into graffitiing the back of the sports shed than he ever was into science,” she giggled.

“You two went to school together?” Roxas spoke up as they walked without purpose down the sidewalk.

“Yup, I’ll tell you all about his misdemeanors over dinner if you want.”

Roxas laughed. “Yeah, okay.”

“That’ll be the shortest conversation in history. I was an angel,” Axel dismissed.

Kairi’s eyes went wide in disbelief. She shook her head and wordlessly mouthed, ‘Noooooo,’ at Roxas.

It made him laugh even more, which in turn made Axel smile in happiness.

“What should we do for dinner anyways?” Ruth gave voice to the obvious question.

“Isn’t your work around here somewhere, Ax?” Paul asked.

“Yeah, but it’s my day off. Not setting foot in that place. Nah-ah.”

“Ooo! _Ooo!_ Let’s go to the Sky Lounge! I’ve always wanted to eat there!” Ruth bounced.

“Isn’t that a bit expensive?” Axel scratched at his cheek, trying to remember where exactly the tower even was.

“It is if you go to the top-tier restaurant. They do have a lower level where it’s just a three-course meal instead of the seven,” Ruth stated.

“Look at you girl, all informed,” Kairi laughed.

“I’ve always wanted to eat there,” Ruth said wistfully.

“You have?” Paul gasped with surprise.

“Uh-huh.”

“Right. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m taking my Ruthy up there.”

“You will?”

“Yeah,” he smiled at her, netting him a big hug and a shower of kisses.

“Well, I believe Axel’s paying for me, so I don’t even care if we go to the top level,” Kairi gave him a smug smirk.

“He is?” The lovebirds said in unison.

“Yup.”

“Yeah, I kinda promised. But what do you wanna do, Roxas?”

“Ah… ,” he frowned, thinking about it.

“It’s such a great view of the whole city from up there,” Ruth encouraged.

“It’s okay. You guys go. I should get home. My cat will be getting hungry.”

“But… didn’t you tell me she has one of those automatic feeding station things?” Kairi said gently.

“Ah… Yeah.” Roxas looked uncomfortable.

“Hey guys, talk amongst yourselves. I’ve gotta have a word with Roxas.” Axel grabbed the man’s arm and tugged at him to follow.

They stepped away slightly, standing close enough for Axel to smell Roxas’ shampooed hair. Axel deemed it to be his new favorite scent. He refocused, “I can pay for you. It’s no problem.”

“I couldn’t. You’re already going to pay for Kairi.”

“It’s no problem, really. C’mon,” he smiled encouragingly, whilst savoring the closeness between them. He regretted willfully denying himself this pleasure all afternoon.

“No, it’s fine.”

“Roxas–”

“Vanitas wants to take me up there for dinner when he finally moves over here,” eyes pierced, rather sharply.

It was a cold dumping of iced water on Axel’s head. “Oh.”

“Sorry,” he murmured, head drooping.

“Uh… it’s okay. Um… can we still go up to the observation deck at least? With the sun going down it’ll look really cool. You can go home after that if you want.” The day had gone by too fast. Axel wanted more time with him.

Roxas looked at Axel for a bit before eyes fell down. Axel followed to where their hands were lightly clasped. _Shit_. He had only meant to brush against fingers but was somehow now holding on.

But Roxas gave the smallest of smiles and swung their hands the tiniest bit. He gave an almost silent, “Okay,” and slipped from Axel’s grasp.

Axel wanted so much more. He ached to chase after that hand and hold on tight forever, but he managed to restrain himself. He turned to the three other members of their party and announced, “We’re cool to go to the Sky Lounge. We’ll go to the observation deck, watch the sunset, and then Roxas will leave us.”

“Ah, romantic!” Ruth threw arms around Paul and squeezed him with excitement.

Was it? No. It wouldn’t be. Axel brushed it off. “C’mon, let’s get going.”

They all marched on, with Axel taking the lead. He needed to keep his distance from Kairi and her disapproving glower, as she had most likely spotted their too-personal-for-a-platonic-friendship touch.

It wasn’t too long before he heard Roxas asking, “Is that the Colitan and Mursor building?”

They all stopped to peer up at the towering behemoth comprised of concrete and glass.

“Yeah. They have an observation deck. Do you wanna check it out?” Paul offered.

“No. It’s all good. I just wanted to know if that building was what I thought it was.”

“Why’s that? It’s pretty uninteresting.” Paul craned his neck to look to the very top.

The others followed suit.

“It’s pretty ugly. Screams totalitarian bureaucracy, if you ask me,” Axel remarked.

His friends laughed.

“My boyfriend’s gonna work here,” Roxas let out coolly, still looking up at the gray building with all its tinted glass windows.

“Oh.” Axel wished Roxas’ boyfriend would stop creeping into all his conversations with Roxas. “Well, this was a nice stop, but we gotta get moving,” he said, trying to distract himself from the uncomfortable truth that the object of his desires should be out of bounds.

They all shuffled along, but before his long legs took him too far into the lead, he heard Kairi remark, “Hey Roxas, what’s your boyfriend do?”

_‘Good girl_ ,’ he thought. Axel would buy her an extra helping of dessert.

* * *

 

They reached the Sky Lounge with plenty of time left before sunset. The city lay sprawled out before them, extending to the horizon every which way they looked.

They wandered around the small selection of memorabilia encased behind glass, telling the story of how the surrounding flat planes had slowly been devoured by the sprawling metropolis over the decades. And then they wandered some more, checking out the overpriced postcards and keychains.

“Hey Kairi, let’s see if we can see our homes from up here,” Ruth said once they had been around the whole place twice.

“Yeah!” Kairi cheered excitedly, and with that, they were off. Paul followed his girlfriend close behind.

Axel and Roxas stared after them.

“Such children,” Axel chuckled. He met Roxas’ gaze as blond head turned to face him, and smiled. Roxas returned it and actually scooched closer towards Axel. They stood slightly bent over, resting elbows against a metal guard railing, and _almost_ touching.

“Did you have fun today, gorgeous?” he asked gently. He felt his smile softening by the second. It was lame, but looking at, and being with Roxas made him happy. He reached up and raked his hand through Roxas’ hair, rubbing at scalp slightly; it was an impulsive thing to do, but that didn’t stop Axel.

Roxas froze a little, but then tilted his head into the touch, giving the smallest of contented sighs. “Yeah. Thanks for inviting me out. Your friends are really nice.”

“See, you had nothing to be nervous about earlier today,” Axel said warmly and rubbed his hand down towards the nape of Roxas’ neck. “They like you.”

“They do?”

“If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have gone through the day without letting you know to your face,” he assured.

Roxas chuckled. “Good to know.”

Axel stopped touching Roxas, deeming it most likely inappropriate by now, and returned his arm to the railing. “Do you wanna hang out again tomorrow?”

Roxas’ eyes lingered on Axel’s hand, but then he looked up, “What have you got in mind?”

Axel shrugged. “You like animals? We could go to the zoo. See some big cats.”

“Really?” Eyes went wide.

Those gorgeous blues slayed him. “Mhmm. I’ll send a group message. See who else wants to tag along.”

Roxas nodded eagerly and Axel swore he saw slight disappointment… but he was probably imagining things. He pulled out his phone and got to typing. “What time suits you best? The zoo’s really big, so I think I’ve gotta suck it up and get up early.”

“Oh no, don’t do that just for me. We don’t have to go.”

“Nope, it’s already been decreed. Hope ten o’clock is okay, ‘cause that’s when we’re meeting up at the zoo. It’s sent, that’s it, can’t take it back.” Axel watched for his message to turn green, indicating it had sent to all recipients. He gave Roxas a big grin.

Roxas looked really happy. The wide smile said it all. “Thanks, Axel.”

“Anything for you.” Why was it so easy to say mushy disgusting things to Roxas? Must be the way his eyes sparkled and his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink that did it.

He followed Roxas’ gaze as it turned towards the windows looking out upon the city. Dusk was descending fast, bathing the concrete jungle below in hues of blues, and streaking clouds and sky in pinks and purples.

Axel noticed it this time, fingers stroking against the back of his hand, begging to be held. Axel obliged and interlaced his fingers with Roxas’. Wordlessly, they watched night descend. Roxas shuffled a little closer and rested his head against Axel’s shoulder. Axel tilted his head and pillowed his cheek against Roxas’ hair.

It was nice and peaceful. Axel shut Kairi’s words of infidelity and emotional sabotage away behind the wall of warm affection which was bolstering him right now. Axel could feel sleep tugging at his eyes and let them slide shut. “You’re really comfy, Rox. Could just fall asleep on you,” he mumbled. But then grumpily added, “Well, I can’t do it if you’re gonna cause an earthquake for me,” as Roxas shook with laughter.

“Sorry,” he giggled.

“It’s okay. You’re probably doing me a favor anyway.” Axel lifted his head and Roxas also moved, but they still held hands.

The sky darkened, turning shallow day into deep night.

“You know, I really miss it,” Roxas breathed wistfully.

“What?”

“The stars. I still remember them when I was a lot younger. They were everywhere in Forrester. Nights were pitch black. The sky would shine like crazy. But I’ve been living in big cities for more than half my life now, and when I moved back to Forrester — it had all changed too. — I’ve been with Vanitas for so long… I barely remember what it’s supposed to feel like,” Roxas muttered, clasping his other hand over the top of Axel’s.

Was he still talking about the stars? Roxas looked very sad.

“I’ll take you camping one day. Promise.” At the doubtful look Roxas threw his way, Axel continued, “You don’t believe me?”

Roxas’ face turned even more sullen. “Oh, I believe that you mean it. But I don’t think it will ever actually happen.”

“Why?” Axel could almost hear the answer before he asked the question.

“My boyfriend.”

Of course. “He can come too. We’ll make it a big outing with a bunch of people.”

“Okay,” Roxas said with no enthusiasm and his hand fell away.

Axel’s phone buzzed and Roxas’ other hand also slipped away.

“I should go,” Roxas muttered, dully and pushed off the railing, standing up straight.

Axel’s head followed Roxas. “You sure you don’t want to stay for dinner?”

“I can’t.”

Axel chewed his lip. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said gently and straightened himself up, facing Roxas, fully.

“Thanks for not pushing,” Roxas said, barely looking at Axel.

Axel gave him a smile and received a weary one in return.

“Do you need the address for the zoo?” Axel asked before Roxas moved too far away. He still hoped to hear the magic words, ‘ _text me._ ’

“I’ll find it. See you tomorrow,” Roxas waved and headed to the elevator.

“Yeah, see you.” Axel’s stomach knotted. He hated seeing Roxas go, especially so morose, but a sharp jolt dislodged the knot as Axel was suddenly attacked by his friends ramming into him from behind.

“Heeeey, Axel! So you and Roxas, huh.” Ruth elbowed him in the ribs.

He peeled and pushed limbs off himself. “It’s nothing,” he tried his best to deny.

“That’s what I thought about me and Ruth,” Paul nudged. “C’mon, let’s eat!” He and Ruth raced off.

Axel watched them dash towards the restaurant. There was a crater of longing in his chest to be able to do the same goofy shit with Roxas.

“Am I crazy, Kai?” he said as he caught sight of her in his periphery.

“You two are cute together, I’ll give you that much. As for the crazy part —” Axel held out his elbow and she took it. They wandered arm in arm to the restaurant. “–Verdict’s still out on that one. I’ll tell you after tomorrow.”

He looked down at her in hopeful surprise. The fact that she was willing to keep spending time with them, despite finding what they were doing so abhorrent seemed encouraging.

“You’ll come to the zoo?”

“Of course! Animals? I’m totally in,” she looked up with a chirpy smile.


	4. The Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s just a nice trip out to the zoo. What could possibly happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning... things get a _little_ bit hot ;)

Wednesday dawned. All his friends were gathered at the Zoo’s entrance by the time Axel arrived. He was very happy to see Roxas among them, chatting and laughing; the nervousness of yesterday seemingly evaporated. 

“Here he is, our sleepyhead,” Lucy’s voice sang out of the crowd, causing everyone’s heads to turn. 

They all teased and jeered at Axel as he approached, which was completely normal behavior. He walked past them all and pointed at the gate, “I may be the last one here, but I’ll be the first through the gate.” And then the race to get inside was off. 

Entry fees were paid, maps collected, and a plan of action was arrived at. They headed off down the path to find the meerkats. 

Axel had minimal contact with Roxas throughout the course of the day, which sucked, but it had been a conscious choice on Axel’s behalf. He figured it was better this way because he should at least _attempt_ at a genuine friendship with Roxas—one without any ulterior motives. Part of that was to be able to be in the man’s vicinity without needing to get all touchy-feely, or even talk to him constantly. 

Axel certainly enjoyed Roxas’ company from afar. They shared smiles, group jokes, and Axel found it actually nice to just amble along and view the different animal enclosures while keeping Roxas in his periphery.

The group saw all the popular animals, as well as the less popular ones. They attended the educational keeper talks, which were always fun. From Lucy nearly getting her hand bitten off by a llama, Flik, Ruth, and Kairi getting soaked through when they got too close to the seals splashing around, all the way to the whole gang getting doused in elephant goop when the zookeeper encouraged the cheeky giant to spray the crowd. 

By the time they settled down for lunch, everyone was exhausted. But it wasn’t anything some food, drink, and a bit of a sit down couldn’t fix; though Axel, not being used to getting up so early, dozed off, while lounging in the corner of a booth seat, they had been lucky enough to nab, at the cafeteria.

Once he’d woken up, he’d found that everyone—bar Paul and Ruth—had up and left to explore more of the zoo, so Axel wandered around with the couple for a bit before leaving them to do their gooey coupley things. 

He headed back towards the seal and penguin enclosures, and hung out there for a while, enjoying watching the animals swimming and waddling about. Before too long, Axel noticed that the day was coming towards its natural conclusion and gathered himself up, heading towards the rendezvous spot, which they had all apparently agreed upon while Axel had slept. He kept an eye out for any familiar faces in the crowd as he went. It didn’t take too long before he got very lucky—he spotted Roxas, all alone, peering through the glass of an enclosure. 

Axel jumped at the opportunity to finally have some alone time with him. As he drew closer, he took a peek at the sign he walked past. Apparently, it was the cheetah enclosure. His stomach dropped a bit, the irony not lost on him. ‘ _That’d be right,’_ he thought, and sang out, "Hey, gorgeous.” 

Head snapped around. That smile! It made Axel weak at the knees and his stomach tingled. 

“Sleepyhead!” Roxas looked past Axel briefly. “Just you?” 

“Yup. I can’t believe you all abandoned me. I’m really hurt.” 

“You weren’t abandoned. You had Ruth and Paul.” 

“They’re in a love bubble. That’s as good as stranding me on an island of isolation.” 

Roxas chortled. “I did try to wake you, but you slept like a log.” 

“I’m like sleeping beauty,” he winked, but then realized what he was implying. “Ah, I don’t mean it like that. You by yourself?” 

Roxas smiled softly and accepted the change of conversation. “Yeah, I told Flik and Dee to go ahead without me. I didn’t want to leave without seeing all the big cats.” 

Axel wondered if the enclosure felt as mocking to Roxas as it did to him. Though Axel still didn’t want to completely believe that he was cheating with Roxas, or indeed breaking up a completely happy couple. He looked through the glass at the trees and shrubs. “Well, I can’t see anything.” 

“Look down there,” Roxas pointed. 

Axel followed the gesture but only saw the moat filled with water, which surrounded the enclosure. There was just nature and his reflection in the glass staring back at him. Was Roxas making some kind of a comment? Axel didn’t find it funny. “I’m not seeing anything except for myself, Roxas.”

“Look _harder,_ ” Roxas breathed out and pointed slowly. 

Axel frowned at Roxas. There was a niggling feeling of familiarity. “Something about this…” a light bulb went off in Axel’s head. He tentatively said, “He lives in me?” 

Roxas’ solemn expression cracked, and a giant grin followed, which was a precursor to a grand belly-laugh. “Oh, your face,” he squeaked through his rolling mirth. 

“Have you been dying to do this all day?” Axel also began laughing, finding it amusing and feeling relieved. 

“Maybe.” The light lilt in Roxas’ voice spoke volumes of his continued amusement.

“Would have been better at the lion enclosure.” 

“Yeah, but I couldn’t really drag you all the way over there to do it, right?” 

“I guess. So, for reals, where is this big pussy?” 

“Over there in the tree.” Roxas pointed.

Axel looked up and saw it, lounging around, having a nice afternoon snooze. “Ah, I should have known. Big lazy kitty. All I ever see is the cats sleeping—lucky bastards.” 

“They’ve got life all figured out, I guess. You a bit jealous?” 

“Yeah, I am. Lounging in the sun, doing their own thing, and hoarding food.” He sighed wistfully. “They’re living my dream. Wish I could get paid to do those things.” 

“Sounds like you found your spirit animal,” Roxas giggled. 

“Guess I have,” Axel grinned. 

“What _is_ your favorite animal? It’s not big cats, right?” 

“Yeah, it’s not. Though maybe it should be,” Axel laughed. “But my favorite animal…” pausing, he gave Roxas a dead-serious stare. “Don’t tell anyone—it could destroy my hard-ass reputation, okay?” 

“Lips,” Roxas moved fingers across his mouth in a zipping motion. 

“Okay. Brace yourself.” Axel leaned down next to Roxas’ ear. Damn, he smelt fine. ‘ _Focus, Axel,’_ he told himself. “I love penguins,” he whispered and fought the urge to nip Roxas’ earlobe. He stood back up and watched how the amused smile lit Roxas’ face. 

“Yeah?” 

“Mhmm. The way they waddle—gah, so cute,” he squeaked with enthusiasm and then cleared his throat. “I mean… they’re okay, ‘n’ stuff,” Axel rumbled in as low and manly a voice as he could muster. 

Roxas chuckled. “There’s nothing manlier than a couple of gay penguins.” 

“They come in gay?” 

“Yeah. And because they mate for life, they are gay for life. They find themselves a nice egg-shaped rock and take turns sitting on it.” 

Axel put hands on hips. “Wow! Another adorable fact. Love ‘em even more.” 

“They are pretty cute. And you know, anything that’s gay gets my _seal_ of approval,” Roxas said with an amused lilt in his voice. 

“Oh my God… was that… an Arctic animal pun?” Axel laughed and ruffled Roxas’ hair. 

Roxas leaned in before Axel pulled his hand away and his sneaky smirk grew into a wide grin. “Maybe.” 

Axel chuckled and pointed at himself, “Hey, do _I_ get your seal of approval?” 

Roxas thought about that, umming and ahhing to himself. 

“I’d dress up in a penguin onesie for you if that helps.” 

Roxas cocked an eyebrow at him and huffed with amusement. But it still didn’t seem to sway him. “Well—,” he drew out. 

“I’ll be your very own gay penguin, to mate with for life.” Axel groaned as soon as those words left his mouth. “Sorry, that was awful.” 

“It was,” Roxas chuckled. “But it also just landed you my seal of approval.” Roxas shifted towards Axel, quickly raising up on toes, and left a kiss on his cheek. 

The peck was warm and left Axel’s insides in a flutter. He turned towards the touch, out of second nature, but Roxas had already dropped down again, somewhat hurried. 

“Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Guess it’s a good thing that you’re staying away from me,” Roxas mumbled and stared out into the enclosure. 

Axel felt a pang in his chest. He had purposefully kept his distance today. The fact that Roxas had picked up on his absence throughout the day took a lot of the sting out of his statement; clearly, Axel meant _something_ to him. “I just thought it might be better for our friendship. We… seem to get all handsy when we’re together. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“I wouldn’t do things I’m not comfortable with,” Roxas insisted, glancing at Axel. 

Elation stirred. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I may be keeping my distance, but that doesn’t mean I’m not watching you…” A beat of silence passed between them before he continued, “That sounded a lot less creepy in my head.” 

Roxas giggled. “That’s fine, as long as you mean it in a protective way.” 

“Totally. Think of me as a mommy tiger protecting her cubs.” 

“Gee thanks,” Roxas laughed louder. 

“Man, I’m off my A-game today,” Axel scratched with ferocity at his scalp. Why was he saying such dumb shit? 

“Probably best you stay away from me then. With lame lines like that, well… I might start falling for you,” he said with a shy smile and quickly turned back to look at the enclosure. 

What were they even doing? Why couldn’t they just _be_ together already? This wrapping-things-in-a-thin-veneer-of-jokes-and-good-natured-banter-to-deflect-from-having-to-address-the-boyfriend-shaped-sore-spot-in-their-backsides thing was truly frustrating. Axel sighed and scratched at his head. “Let’s move away from the cheetah enclosure. I swear it’s staring us down—giving me a guilty feeling.” 

Roxas’ face fell. “Yeah, you got it.” 

They walked on along the busy pathway falling into step. 

“Where are we supposed to meet up with everyone again?” Roxas said. 

“Ah—good thing I found you. Or else you’d be lost—looking for us forever until you died.” 

“My spirit would remain, and haunt the penguin enclosure forever, looking for my gay Axel in a penguin onesie.” 

“I’ll come by every so often to pay my respects,” Axel said solemnly. 

“Will you do the waddle? This spirit will only be appeased by the waddle.” 

“I’ll do the waddle,” and he did a demonstration. 

Roxas joined in and they waddled down the path for a way, until they were laughing so hard that they had to stop, for fear of falling over, and resumed walking normally. 

“You’re so silly.” Roxas wiped a tear from his eye. 

“You’re even sillier for joining me,” Axel nudged Roxas with his arm and they grinned broadly at one another. “Oh,” Axel nodded towards a sign, “we’re meeting over that way, at the interactive-learning visitor’s center. It’s past the elephants. Maybe we’ll get sprayed again.” 

Roxas shuddered. “That was so gross.” 

“You have nothing to complain about. Nobody was using _you_ as a human shield. Pretty sure I still have elephant mucus in my hair.” Hand swept through. Yep… definitely still had gunk in there. Axel made a face and wiped his hand on his shirt. 

“Perks of being short,” Roxas winked. “And just a heads up: if there _is_ any more spraying, I will use you as a shield.” 

“Pah! Your little short-assed legs will have to catch me first!” Axel leapt away. 

“Hey!” Roxas shouted after him. 

They ran down the path, dodging people, prams, and benches. Axel ran alongside a building, rounded the corner and stopped, waiting to hear Roxas’ footfalls. He heard them fast approaching and caught Roxas around the waist as he came hurtling around the corner. 

Axel underestimated the force by which Roxas had turned and they nearly toppled over, but Axel pivoted and let the force slam him into the wall instead. All the air was pushed out of his lungs, and the back of his head hurt, but it was worth it to have Roxas in his arms. 

“Oh my God! Are you okay?” Concerned hands went all over, making Axel feel ten times better. 

“Yeah,” he huffed in winded amusement. “My own fault.” He looked down at Roxas who was still pressed against him. How he wanted to lean down and kiss him. It was agonizing, especially since they just stayed like _that_ ; holding and looking at each other with smiles on their faces. 

Roxas eventually stepped back. “Looks like I caught you.” 

“Excuse me? I’m the one who caught _you_.” 

Roxas started walking again. “Didn’t look like that to me. I’m the one who had you pinned against a wall,” he said with an air of cockiness. 

Axel gasped. He reached out and yanked Roxas back, pushing and pinning him against the wall with his body. “There, is that better?” Axel breathed out in a low rumble. 

Roxas gazed up at him with shallow breath, parted lips, and reddening cheeks. 

Axel wet his lips and found himself leaning in. Roxas was so magnetic. He could feel warm breath against his skin. As their eyes flickered over each other’s lips, the noise of the world around them fell away. All Axel heard was Roxas’ breathing. All he felt was the warmth pressed against his torso, and the way fingers twitched and tugged at his clothes. 

Roxas’ head tilted up, slowly. So slowly. Axel swore it was Roxas leaning in and not him. 

Lips sealed shut, bottom lip suddenly tucked in and was chewed on. In the blink of an eye Roxas ducked out under Axel’s arm and continued walking. 

_Fuck_! Axel’s head slumped down in defeat, and his body went limp with disappointment. 

“C’mon, we’ll be late if we don’t hurry. I don’t want to be tainted by your tardiness,” Roxas called over his shoulder with energy.

It baffled Axel how quickly the sexual tension between them peaked and ebbed all the time. He breathed in deep, calming himself and pushed off the wall, trotting after Roxas. They fell into step once more and walked in silence for a while. 

The day was almost over. It was a sad fact to reflect upon. Axel wondered if he could slow their pace somehow. He loved hanging out with Roxas and hadn’t done nearly enough of it today. “You had fun today, didn’t you? You looked like you were having fun,” he said and dropped their pace. 

Roxas matched it. “Yeah, how couldn’t I, under the ever-watchful eye of my mommy tiger,” he snorted. “I feel completely protected and safe to go out and explore the world around me,” he teased with a cheeky tongue poke. 

“Sure, I deserve that,” Axel laughed along. 

“But yeah, I’m having a lot of fun these last few days. I don’t get out much normally.” 

“Why’s that?” 

Roxas turned thoughtful again. Axel thought he was getting good at spotting the brooding-and-calculating-his-answers-Roxas, even after just a few short days together. 

“Have you ever been in a long-term relationship?” Roxas asked tentatively after a while. 

“Not really. I haven’t been in many relationships actually. Longest was maybe a year and a bit?” The details of it were hazy. It felt like forever ago. 

“Oh, when was that?” 

Axel shrugged. “Not sure. Sometime in sophomore year? I remember trying to convince myself that I wasn’t gay.” 

“What? You dated a girl?” Roxas said, with teasing disgust. 

“Yeah. And not just any girl—” 

“Kairi?” Roxas snapped, blue eyes went big as saucers. 

That expression was priceless. Axel laughed. “Bingo.” Roxas was very astute. 

“What happened?” 

“Nothing, because I’m gay, duh.” 

“Dude, that’s not what I meant.” 

“She told me to stop kidding myself. We’ve been great friends ever since. But get back to what you were saying about not getting out much.” 

“Oh… well, I don’t know how it is for other people, but for me and Van anyway—we got to a point where we’ve done everything already, so city life gets dull and we just focus on the day to day living.” 

“City life, boring? How can that be? Sounds like you guys aren’t doing it right.” 

“Maybe,” he said quietly. 

Axel chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment. “Well, I’m sorry to hear you don’t have more excitement in your life. If you were with me—shit,” he interrupted himself. “Sorry, forget it.” Why couldn’t he stop with the sales pitches? If their natural chemistry wasn’t going to win him over, then talking sure wasn’t going to change Roxas’ mind either. 

“No, go on. Finish your sentence.” 

Axel wished Roxas would just reprimand him. Tell him firmly to cut it out, so he knew where his boundaries were. But shit like this… giving Axel a platform to promote himself on… it just confused him even more about where they stood and what their prospects were. “You sure?” he asked, hoping for a shutdown. 

Instead he got a nod. 

Axel suddenly felt nervous, like he was going for a job interview. “Well, I’d make sure to keep things fresh and fun. The city getting boring? We’d go away on holidays. See the sights—natural and man-made. Bottom line, I’d make an effort to make things entertaining. —Okay, that was a bit more than a sentence.” If Roxas was giving him opportunities to present an alternative lifestyle if he chose Axel, then Axel had to run with it. 

“It was many good sentences,” was all Roxas said, and they went on in silence, though Axel’s head was buzzing with questions around whether or not he had won himself any brownie points. 

Axel tried not to dwell on those concerned too much.

They soon found everyone gathered up, playing around some of the interactive stations in the education center. Roxas left Axel’s side to go spend time with Kairi, and Axel went to be with whichever friends were heading in the opposite direction. 

Half-an-hour was whiled away before they headed out of the Zoo. Shiki stopped to look at gift shop souvenirs and then one-by-one everyone got sucked into doing the same thing. Axel looked at all the kitschy stuff but found nothing of interest. He did, however, find Roxas, trying on some comical animal beanies. Axel thought he looked adorable in the Fennec fox hat. 

“Don’t move, Roxas. I wanna take a photo.” 

Roxas left the hat on and gave a big, heart-melting smile. Axel took the photo and showed it to Roxas. They both laughed. 

“So adorable. You want me to send it to you?” He was still fishing for Roxas’ number. Was he being too subtle? 

“It’s all right. I don’t like photos of myself. But you go on and keep it.” 

Maybe he was way too subtle. “Okay, but if you want me to delete it just say so,” he said, still looking at that gorgeous smile, frozen and captured forever in a photograph. 

Roxas nodded and took the hat off. 

“You want it? I’ll buy it for you. To commemorate the trip to the zoo,” Axel offered. 

“Nah. I just wanted to try these on for fun, not to keep.” Roxas ran hand through hair, perking it back up after its hat-wearing ordeal. 

“Is there anything you might want to keep? I kind of want to get you something.”

Roxas smiled. “You don’t have to.” 

“I wanna. Go pick something out. And don’t worry about the cost.”

Roxas squinted at him. “What if it’s like a thousand?” 

“Okay, anything under a hundred and it’s yours.” 

Roxas gave a satisfied and smug, “Okay.” He wandered off, leaving Axel to try on the goofy hats. 

While Axel waited for Roxas to finish perusing the shelves and racks, he managed to convince Flik and Kairi to try on some hats as well. 

Several dumb photos later, Roxas returned with a small black box. It had nothing but a barcode on the bottom, and security tape around the lip, sealing it shut.

“What is it? It’s not just a box, right?” 

“It’s… kind of dumb. Can I show you once you’ve bought it?” 

That sounded a bit mysterious. Axel liked mysterious. “Yeah, can’t wait to see what it is.” 

They headed to the check-out with it, where Axel bought the mystery gift. It was only fifty bucks. Axel asked if Roxas wanted anything else but got nothing but a shake of the head out of the other man. So they wandered outside and stood around under the shade of some eaves, waiting for everyone else to be released from the gift shop trap. 

“So, what is it? Show me, show me, _show me_ ,” Axel whined at Roxas as he worked on unwrapping and opening the box. 

He was being very slow about it. 

“Before the next ice age, Roxas,” Axel groaned. 

Roxas laughed and slowed down even further as he cracked open the lid. “I’m gonna teach you about patience being a virtue.” 

Axel glared at Roxas, who smiled back, and at a snail’s pace revealed the contents of the box. Sitting atop a deep indigo satin inlay were two pewter penguins, about the size of a thumb each. Their heads were bowed together, looking down at an egg-shaped marble with blue and green swirls inside. It came with a little ring for a base, to stop the marble from rolling around. 

“Oh,” seeped out of Axel.

Roxas picked up one of the penguins and held it out to Axel. “I know it’s dumb but… I want you to have this. I’ll keep the other half of the pair.” 

Axel’s stomach clenched at the gesture. Roxas was so sweet. He took the surprisingly weighty penguin. “No. It’s not dumb.” 

“It’s not?” 

“No. It’s… you’re gonna give me cavities.” 

Roxas gave a small, shy smile. “You like it?” 

“Yeah. But… isn’t it a bit cruel to split them up?” 

“They won’t really be apart. Not in spirit. Plus, this one will always have the little marble egg to remind him of his gay penguin-other-half.” Roxas smiled, though somewhat melancholic. He looked down at his box, “And, maybe… one day—they might find their way back to each other,” he finished in a small voice and closed the box. 

It was too much. Axel couldn’t take it anymore. Still clutching the penguin, he rested that hand on his hip and the other went to massage his temples. With bowed head, he grumbled, “Urgh, Roxas! This is so cute. I’m gonna walk away now before I do something we’ll both later regret.” He took a deep breath, turned around and got some distance between himself and the guy who was definitely stealing his heart away.

He sought out Kairi and found her at the coffee shop attached to the gift shop, buying some ice cream. 

“Kairi, I need your verdict, right _now_ ,” he yelled when he was close, drawing her attention with a start.

Surprise on her face vanished and a suspicious glare followed. “Why? Something happen?” 

Axel stuck the little penguin right in her face. “This!” 

She leaned back a bit, trying to focus on it. “What is it? A penguin? Those are your favorite, right?” she said with great disinterest, followed by a, “Thank you,” to the staff member who handed her a cone heaped with three different flavors. 

“Roxas gave it to me—Look, it doesn’t matter—I don’t want to explain the context to you. Just know it was incredibly sweet and I wanna kiss his face off.” 

Kairi choked mid-lick from laughter. “Man, you’ve got it bad.” 

“I do, so c’mon, tell me.” 

“Well… I don’t want you to get excited or anything…” 

Axel’s eyes went wide. He thought he’d kiss Kairi if she was going to vindicate him. “But? C’mon, what’s the but!” 

She remained silent and walked away from the coffee shop and over to a bench, where she proceeded to eat her ice cream for a while. Axel followed, sat down on the opposite end and kept sliding closer until he was almost on top of her. 

“C’mon, Kairi. Quit leavin’ me hanging.” 

She dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. “Well, I spoke to him today and yesterday, about all kinds of things. He’s a really nice and personable guy.” She went back to her ice cream. 

Axel groaned. She knew how to play him like a fiddle. He waited, but stared at her, hoping to unnerve her. It didn’t work. In her own good time, she continued, “It kind of hurts to say, but you might have a point. Something seems a bit strange when it comes to talking about his boyfriend.” 

Axel clapped his hands together, “Ha! I knew it!” He gripped his little penguin even tighter.

“It mightn’t be that there’s anything wrong with their relationship. They’ve been together for a long time, so I don’t see why he’d still be with him if something was wrong. Maybe they’re just really private. Or—mm, never mind.” She ate the last bits of her ice cream cone. 

“Or what?” 

“Nah, it’s really stupid, don’t worry.” 

“You might as well tell me,” he pressed. 

They looked at each other. Axel could see Kairi sizing up his seriousness in wanting to know. 

“Well… you don’t suppose his boyfriend’s a drug lord or something shady like that?” 

Axel blinked, then laughed, before abruptly stopping. “Oh, seriously?” 

“Mhmm.”

“I doubt it.”

“If he is, you gotta drop him, Ax. I don’t care how sweet you are on him and he is on you. Don’t get involved with the seedy underbelly of the crime world.”

“Oh, gimme a break. You’re definitely over-reacting.” 

“I hope I am.” 

Axel inhaled a deep breath, feeling it inflate him with happiness. The sensation spread to his face and grew the smile. “The main thing is that I’m not crazy. I’ll get to the bottom of it somehow.” 

“Okay, just be careful, and for crying out loud keep your dick in check.” 

“Yes, mom,” he drawled. 

He then grabbed the side of her head, pushed Kairi towards himself and kissed her temple. Kairi huffed with laughter and Axel left her but bought two ice cream cones before he went back to Roxas’ side. 

He cheerfully sang in his head that he wasn’t crazy or imagining things. There was something genuinely off about Roxas’ relationship. Now he just had to try to get to the bottom of it, or at the very least be there for Roxas when it all fell apart. Axel was definitely banking on it happening. He didn’t even feel bad about it right now. After all, he had a penguin in his pocket which said that Roxas would gladly be with him if it wasn’t for his current predicament. 

He found Roxas a little way from where he had left him, talking on his phone. 

Axel decided that he was going to eavesdrop. Over the course of today and yesterday, Roxas had excused himself several times to take calls. He only ever said, “Sorry about that,” and left it there. It was a perfectly acceptable thing to do in polite society. But what intrigued Axel about it was how quiet and reserved Roxas got after the calls, choosing to hang back from everyone, before he rejoined the group with a smile. 

It made Axel imagine all sorts of things regarding the person calling and the content of the conversations. And since Kairi had now confirmed that he wasn’t completely out of touch with reality, Axel wanted to hear the conversation even more. So, he carefully meandered towards Roxas, staying out of his field of vision as much as possible. It was made easier thanks to Roxas having his back turned, as he was seemingly looking out onto the lake behind the gift shop. 

Axel innocently ate his ice cream once he got close enough to listen, which sadly was a lot closer than he would have liked to be. Roxas was talking very quietly. 

“Yes. No. I’m still—No, I haven’t.” He sounded frustrated. “It’s just really big—Yes, I should have. I’m sorry. But I told you yesterday—Yes, I will.” Roxas was shifting from side to side uncomfortably, and his voice was getting lower and lower with time. But then the tone shifted to a happier one, “She’s doing fine. Yes. —No. —Okay. —Yup. Bye,” he hung up after having gotten in a small chuckle. 

Axel walked backwards as quickly and quietly as he could, attempting to get some distance between himself and Roxas before he turned around. Axel didn’t need to worry so much though. Roxas looked at his phone for a while before he turned around. 

It gave Axel plenty of opportunity to finish his ice cream before he made his way back towards Roxas, where he was greeted with, “It’s not nice to listen in to other people’s conversations,” without so much as a head-raise.

 _Crap_. He had been busted. “Huh? What? Me? No. Never! I just wanted to give you this,” he held out the cone which was starting to drip. 

The sight of the ice cream made Roxas smile. Phone was slipped into pocket and ice cream was taken with a, “Thanks,” followed by a curious, “why’s it blue?” 

“Oh, it’s sea salt. A specialty you can only find in Pensacola. Or so I’ve been told by Kairi. She likes to travel and is a fiend when it comes to sea salt ice creams. Try it.” 

Roxas did, wearing a skeptical look. It quickly melted away, h,owever. “Mm, this is… really good. Sweet yet salty. Thanks, Axel.” 

“You’re welcome. You really like?” 

Roxas nodded, too busy eating his ice cream to use words. 

“There’s—Oh. God, I’m dumb. I should have probably just asked you what kind of ice cream you liked to figure out what drinks you might prefer.” He slapped his head. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make you something that tastes like this next time you come around to the bar.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Mhmm.” 

“You’re back at work tomorrow, right?” 

“Yup.” 

“Cool.” 

Silence descended. Roxas was busy licking and eating his ice cream. Axel looked away before a fantasy could develop, instead thinking about the overheard conversation. He couldn’t really make anything out of it, other than it having been abrupt. He couldn’t really bring it up. What would he even say? So he dropped the thought and looked at Roxas, who seemed to be mulling something over in his head. 

“What’s on your mind?” 

“About tomorrow… what time do you start?” 

That question excited Axel. “Three. We open at three-thirty though. —What’s up?” He prompted when Roxas wasn’t forthcoming. 

“I… would like—can we hang out together before you start work? Just the two of us?” 

A thrill ran through Axel’s body and his cheeks instantly lifted with the smile. “Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not before twelve. Need my beauty sleep.” 

“Yeah, of course. Doesn’t have to be for long. I just want to hang out. I… kind of miss it being just us two. Is that dumb?” 

Axel felt like he could run a victory lap. “Why Roxas, that’s the complete opposite of dumb. That’s super sweet.” 

“Smart is the complete opposite of dumb,” Roxas winked. 

“I knew that.” 

“Smart’s not how very many people describe you, huh,” he chuckled while Axel gave a massive gasp. 

“The impertinence! See, I can use big words.”

“Very impressive, Mister Rutherford.” Roxas stepped closer. 

Axel stepped closer as well. “Now that’s something I do hear quite frequently, Mister, uh…” he trailed off.

“Shaw,” Roxas supplied at last. 

“Mister Shaw,” Axel finished. 

There wasn’t much space separating them anymore. 

“So, where do you want to meet up?” _Please say ‘your place,’ please say ‘your place,’_ Axel chanted in his head. 

“The Kingdom? I can buy you breakfast. I noticed that they do it twenty-four seven.” 

_Damn_. But Axel couldn’t be too disappointed with something like that. “Sounds good. I love breakfast food.” 

“Any favorites?” 

“I don’t discriminate. Axel loves all breakfast food equally.” 

“What time would be good for you? So you actually wake up and get there without running late.” 

“Ha-ha,” Axel said dryly, but without taking any offence over it. His friends always joked that he would be late to his own funeral. “I can turn up on time if I so choose,” he defended. “I’ll prove it to you. Let’s meet at one.” 

“All right. Not one-ten, or one-oh-one. One o’clock, on the dot.” 

“Deal.” Axel wasn’t worried… well, maybe he was a little. He held out his hand to shake on it. 

“Deal.” Roxas swapped his cone to the other hand to complete the handshake. “Oh, crap.” He withdrew slightly, looking for something to wipe the massive ice cream drip on, which had coated his index finger. 

“Let me,” Axel offered, gently catching Roxas’ wrist. This was either going to be an incredible idea, or an incredibly _bad_ idea. If Kairi saw, she would definitely have said that Axel was thinking with his dick, and she wouldn’t have been wrong. 

Axel guided Roxas’ hand to his mouth. Roxas didn’t yank away. He didn’t even ask what Axel was doing, so Axel continued and slowly pushed Roxas’ finger past his lips and sucked gently. He looked at Roxas for any sign of disapproval but found none. Blue eyes just stared back, slightly wide, atop cheeks lightly dusted with red. 

Axel kept sucking and felt Roxas’ finger eventually curl and stroke the inside of Axel’s mouth. Roxas slowly rubbed lips together, looking like he was enjoying himself, but also struggling with that enjoyment as brow dipped into a slight frown. 

Axel began sliding the finger from his mouth, but then found Roxas pressing his middle finger to Axel’s lips before his index finger was all the way out. They had well and truly moved into the next phase of whatever it was they had. Axel accepted the second finger, deriving great pleasure from Roxas pushing into him. He sucked and rolled his tongue over both digits and let his mind wander to the thought of lubing Roxas up like this and having said fingers go into his rear for a good stretch and fondle. 

God, how Axel wanted it so bad. He hadn’t had sex in almost two weeks with another person; masturbation didn’t count. So that amount of time was really long by Axel-standards. 

What they were doing right now was a massive turn on. It was even more exciting because Roxas wasn’t being passive as he fondled the inside of Axel’s mouth. It made Axel even harder. He wanted to know what Roxas was like in the sack. 

Roxas’ eyes drifted shut. The way he bit his lower lip was so enticing. Axel wanted to nibble at him. He let his eyes shut as well and imagined Roxas wearing that exact expression, as he day-dreamed about them having sex together. 

_“Hey, Axel, Roxas, c’mon!”_ came a shout from across the way. 

Axel’s eyes flung open as Roxas yanked his fingers out and took a step back. 

“Shit!” Roxas cursed, and then said it again when he noticed what a mess the ice cream was leaving on his other hand. He quickly ate what was left of it. 

Axel still had one napkin in his pocket and produced it. “Here, lemme help.” 

Roxas snatched it. “You’ve done enough,” came the sharp words. He stalked off in the direction of Axel’s friends. 

It left Axel a little dazed. His erection still throbbed. The image and feel of Roxas still lingered. He collected himself and rushed after. “Hey, man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have,” he apologized, hoping to sweep how ridiculously hot that had been under the carpet. “Let me make it up to you tomorrow.” 

“Forget it, I’m calling tomorrow off. I still have boxes of stuff to unpack.” 

Disappointment stabbed at Axel. “No, c’mon, don’t be like that. We can still hang out. Please?” he begged. 

“I’m sorry, Axel. Thank you for the ice cream and all of today, but I’ve changed my mind,” he said with more gentleness, finally giving Axel some much-craved eye-contact. 

“Okay, you got it,” Axel sullenly replied. He let it go. He had fucked up and pushed too far and now he had to live with the consequences. He asked, “Will I still see you at the bar tomorrow? I wanna make you some more drinks.” He was slightly hopeful.

“I don’t know. I’ll see how I go with unpacking.” 

They left it at that as they rejoined the group. 

“What happened there, Roxas? Got yourself into a sticky situation,” Flik laughed. 

“Oh, let me help! I’ve got wet wipes,” Shiki came to Roxas’ aid. 

Roxas stayed well away from Axel for the remainder of the time they all hung out together, though lingering looks were exchanged between them. Axel didn’t know what to make of it, but the penguin in his pocket soothed him a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely one of my favourite chapters. Hope you guys enjoyed it, too.
> 
> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Begin Again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3qKv3UdlE) by Taylor Swift  
> [Psycho](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaqoA9g9xOs) by Amy Shark.


	5. The Friend-Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's very, _very_ friendly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some hot content below.

Axel sat on his sunken couch, in his small apartment, gazing out the window. He was idly waiting for the clock to tick down and his alarm to scream at him to get going to work. He had done all his morning tasks to get himself ready, and was now dressed casually with nothing to do but wait; his boss disapproved of Axel rocking up to work dressed in anything other than ‘normal’ clothes, so comfortable jeans and a plain t-shirt is what it was today. He saved all his nicer clothes for the weekend.

Despite the bar always having something on to draw patrons in, Axel usually always preferred the weekend crowd. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was exactly. Maybe it was something to do with weekend people usually not having jobs the next morning, which allowed for a more fun time. But who could say. Today was Thursday though, so the crowd would most likely be businessmen wanting to get drunk and sing badly. Axel wondered whether or not he would have enough going on at work tonight to keep him busy and his thoughts preoccupied and away from Roxas, because – sitting at home right now—idling— was _so_ not helping him. Roxas had been going around his head all night long, and sadly it hadn’t been for the reason he would have liked.

Axel hadn’t been able to get himself off, so he had spent the previous evening trying to social-media-stalk Roxas Shaw. He, however, had no luck at all. It was like Roxas had no online presence besides his website. That had completely weirded Axel out and had him obsessively check all social media platforms that he knew of. He had even gone so far as to make profiles for things he had no personal interest in, just to see if he could find Roxas anywhere.

But yeah, he had come up empty and had nothing but shit sleep to show for his efforts.

One o’clock was soon approaching. He was tossing up whether or not to go to The Kingdom. Roxas had called it off and had seemed mighty irritated even. Axel had pushed way too far, and as turned on as he had been, he felt terrible in the aftermath. He wanted to see Roxas again. But by the sounds of things, he wasn’t even certain if Roxas would ever visit him, even at work.

Axel looked down at where he had been turning the little penguin over in his hands a million times that early afternoon. They liked each other. Axel finally had physical proof of that. He wasn’t imagining it, and Kairi had backed him in not being crazy. So…

He stood up, deposited the penguin on his bookshelf and walked over to the bench next to the front door to put on shoes, grab his old faithful jacket off the wall-mounted hook, and headed out. Roxas might still show up. And if he did, Axel needed to be there.

With that thought driving him, Axel arrived at the café ahead of schedule. He found a table with two chairs near the shop front window and sat. He doodled on a napkin while he waited for the clock to hit one and lamented the fact that no one he knew was there to witness him not just being punctual for once, but _early_.

As the clock ticked closer to the designated meet time, Axel watched it and the people passing outside the window. He nearly jumped out of his seat when Roxas walked along. Their eyes met. Axel waved like a maniac – just to be on the safe side – and waited as Roxas disappeared from view. The entrance area was made from solid material. Axel cursed not having x-ray vision as he anticipated Roxas’ arrival with bated breath.

Seconds ticked past excruciatingly slowly. Had Roxas walked on? Had he popped around just wanting to see if Axel would actually show up? Should Axel get up and run out in hopes of catching him? He still felt like more of an apology was needed. He couldn’t lose Roxas over something as stupid as some finger sucking.

Axel made to get up, but the door jingled open and Roxas finally entered, looking tense. As he approached, Axel pulled out the chair adjacent to himself, and Roxas slumped down.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Axel greeted with unbridled enthusiasm.

“Hi,” Roxas returned in a small, sullen tone.

Axel didn’t like the way Roxas was avoiding eye contact with him. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Roxas still didn’t look up. He stared at the wooden table and sucked on his bottom lip a little.

It was awkward. Axel decided to just come right out with it—

 _“I’m really sorry for yesterday, Roxas.”_  
_“I’m sorry for how I acted yesterday.”_

Surprised, Roxas finally looked up, as they had both talked over each other.

“I don’t know what you’re sorry about. _I’m_ the one who started it.”

“But _I’m_ letting you do it. I’m leading you on. The penguin, the… fingers—” Roxas was turning red. He looked down and began picking at a coaster.

Axel’s insides knotted. He feared what the answer would be, but he had to ask, “Do you want to take it back?”

Eyes raised, questioningly.

“The penguin, I mean.”

Eyes sunk down again. Roxas chewed his lip. “I should, but…” he sighed. “I don’t want to.”

There was a flutter inside of Axel. “Then I’ll keep it until you ask for it back.”

Blue eyes raised again to look cautiously at Axel, but then darted away to look at the staff member who had just come over and was saying, “Looks like your friend is finally here. Do you want to order anything?”

“You still happy to buy me breakfast? It’s okay if you don’t,” Axel said before he placed his order.

“Oh, yeah, totally,” Roxas finally smiled a little.

“Cool. I won’t go overboard.” He turned to the girl taking the order. “Could I get the Mighty Knight Scramble, please.” Axel looked at Roxas. “Do you want anything?”

Roxas shook his head.

“I’ll also have the Kingdom Sundae. Oh – with two spoons.”

“Mighty Knight Scramble and Kingdom Sundae with two spoons. Won’t be too long.”

The two men were left alone again. Roxas still avoided looking at Axel.

“What do you wanna do, Roxas?”

“I don’t know. I want us to stay friends, but it’s getting a bit… like more than friends.” Roxas squirmed in his seat. “Common sense says we should cut out all the touchy-feely stuff. It was a bad idea.”

Axel knew, but he felt himself have a negative reaction to the thought of that. “Yeah, that’s the sensible thing to do. Question is, do you wanna be sensible?”

Roxas sighed like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “I need to try. Like, really, _actually_ try. I like you. I don’t want to give up seeing you, but I’ll have to if we keep doing what we’re doing.”

Man, this _sucked_ , but Axel had finally gotten the boundary setting he had wanted. “Yeah, I want to keep seeing you too.”

Roxas gave him a sad little smile.

Axel wanted to clutch at his heart because it hurt. It was painful to know that they could be so much more, if only— “Roxas, I need to ask you: what’s with you and your boyfriend? Are you happy?”

“I love him,” Roxas said abruptly.

It sounded like a stock-standard response with no thought or feeling behind it. “Are you happy?” Axel asked again.

A look of annoyance crossed Roxas’ face. “Don’t ask me that. I _love_ him.”

“Okay, geez. So, what’s with us then?”

Roxas huffed. “I don’t know. I look at you and forget everything else.”

“Same,” Axel muttered. It’s not like Axel was going out of his way to sabotage things. Not that he _was_ sabotaging. It was the wrong word to use.

“So, both of us have to make more of an effort to not forget.” Roxas said, with determination lighting his words.

Axel nodded. “I’ll behave if you behave.”

“Okay,” Roxas nodded sternly.

And then there was more silence, which was thankfully defused by the food arriving.

A big glass, filled with chocolate, ice cream, waffles, strawberries, and sprinkles was set down before them, as well as a decent sized plate filled with several sausages, a generous serving of scrambled eggs, some fresh tomatoes, grilled mushrooms, spinach, and delicious sizzling bacon.

Axel held out one of the long spoons to Roxas and pushed the sundae towards him. “Bon appétit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna die if I have to eat all this, _and_ drink that.”

“Then why’d you order it?”

“Because,” he grinned, waggling the spoon before Roxas.

“Oh… well, okay.” Roxas took the spoon reluctantly, and slowly began digging away at the mountainous sundae, while Axel practically inhaled his breakfast meal.

They ate in silence, but Roxas watched Axel closely.

After some time, Axel had to ask, past mouth full of food, “What?”

“It’s amazing watching you eat that.”

Axel grinned and popped a sausage into his mouth, hoping it didn’t look as sexual as it just occurred to him that it might. Roxas’ smile seemed to hold more joy behind it now, and that roll of his eyes was bemused, rather than annoyed.

The atmosphere was definitely far more pleasant now.

After some time Roxas pointed at the napkin Axel had doodled on, out of his previous nervousness. “Hey, what’s this?”

Axel pushed his now-finished plate of food away and looked at it. “Oh, that’s a floor plan for my bar. That’s the bar – here’s the dance floor – there’s a separate section for bar games, dedicated trivia and karaoke hall – and this section can be for you to sell your clothes and things from,” Axel said as he pointed at everything in turn.

“Huh? You got a space for me?”

“Sure. Your famous clothes, my famous bar. Perfect match. People will be lining up for miles. We’ll have exclusive nights to unveil your newest creations. Actually,” Axel found his pen again and scribbled on the napkin. “There. A runway to show off your clothing line. You got a name for it yet? I know your website’s called Punk ‘n’ Sundries, but I reckon you need something catchier and edgy as a brand name.”

Roxas just looked at the drawn-on napkin, kept spooning ice cream and waffle chunks into his mouth and eventually said, “Got any ideas?”

Axel thought for a bit. “No. Got nothing. Maybe just use your last name. That’s what prestigious brands do. Shaw,” Axel spoke, sweeping his open hand through the air. “This old thing?” he tugged at his jacket in a pretentious manner, and spoke in matching tone, “Oh, it’s a Shaw original. Yes, I know. It’s worth millions but I would never sell it, oh no.”

Roxas was hiding the laugh and smile behind his hand.

“It’ll work out great. My bar’s gonna be punk-themed, so your clothes will fit right in. Those uninitiated can buy your clothes to be granted entry into the Coolest Place on Earth. I’m thinking of calling my bar that.”

“That name kind of seems… well, you might be shooting yourself in the foot with that, is all I’m gonna say.”

“It’s a work in progress. Coming up with names is tough.”

Roxas nodded and just kept smiling.

“Your newly named clothes brand aside, how’d you decide on your business name?” Axel enquired.

Roxas shifted. “It just… came to me. Are you gonna help me with this or what?” Roxas tapped the glass.

“Sure, I’ll come to your rescue.” Axel grabbed the other spoon and dug into the sundae, all the while continuing to paint his grim picture of Roxas’ life.

They went through the dessert and mulled over the floor plan. Roxas pointed out suggestions and Axel happily made amendments. Roxas helped Axel space things out a little better, and they fancifully penned in a wine cellar for special wine and cheese tasting events, and talked about the logistics of an open-air rooftop bar, for very special events – like meteorite showers and full lunar eclipses.

“Between the two of us we’ll design the best bar in the universe,” Axel boasted.

Roxas grinned at him.

“Awww, you two look really cute together. Can I take a photo for our Kingdom’s Citizen Wall?” a voice said out of the blue.

Axel and Roxas looked over to see a woman dressed in the green and white uniform of the place, holding a camera.

“I don’t mind. It’s up to you though,” he said to Roxas.

Roxas looked between Axel and the woman for a moment. “Ahhh, yeah, I guess. Sure.”

“Super. Could I just ask you two to squish up a bit more?”

Roxas leaned in and Axel draped an arm over the back of Roxas’ chair, leaning in a little as well. He made sure not to touch, but there was no law against smell.

“Say, ‘All Hail the King!’”

They did.

“You guys look great on camera.” She showed them the photo, and Axel thought she was definitely right.

“We’re too handsome and photogenic,” he praised.

“It’s still okay to put it up on the wall?”

Both men nodded.

“That was random,” Roxas started as she disappeared into the back.

“A little. They do it from time to time, usually to advertise their meals and to show what a family-friendly atmosphere it is.”

“So, you didn’t set this up?” Roxas asked, quietly.

“Huh, what? No. If I wanted a photo of us together I’d just ask.”

“Do you?”

“A photo? I don’t need a photo if I get to see you regularly.”

A heavy sigh fell. “Well, I don’t know how often I’ll be able to make it out to spend time with you once Van’s all moved in.”

“Oh. So… you’re saying I _should_ take a photo just in case I don’t see you again after next week?” It was bleak and depressing to think about.

“You’ll see me… just, I don’t know how much.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

The mood had deteriorated, and they finished the sundae in pensive silence.

“Do you wanna walk me to work?” Axel asked, once Roxas came back from paying the bill.

“I can’t. Things to do.”

“More unpacking?”

Roxas nodded but didn’t look at him.

“I could come around and help you tomorrow if you want. I’ll get up early and everything. I got here early today, y’know,” Axel boasted. He felt very proud of himself.

Roxas’ veneer cracked from a smile. “That won’t be necessary. I’m sure I’ll get it done today.”

“Okay, cool. You think you’ll get it done by evening, so you can pop around and see me at work? I’ve still gotta perfect a drink for you.”

“We’ll see,” Roxas gave a tight-lipped smile.

“Sure. Well, I hope to see you, especially if I won’t be able to in the very near future.” He gathered up his things, which were strewn across the table, and stuffed them deep into pockets before making a move to head out.

“You’re not keeping that?” Roxas pointed at the doodled-on napkin Axel had left behind.

“It’s okay. I’ve got it all memorized up here,” he pointed at his head.

“Ah – can I keep it then?”

Eyebrows raised in surprise. “Yeah, sure. It’s now as much yours as it is mine.” The smile Roxas gave him eased Axel’s soul a little.

“Thank you.” Roxas pocketed the napkin and headed out the door with Axel.

They stood outside, a little way away from the door, facing each other.

“All right. Thanks for breakfast.” Axel tried to play at being cool and relaxed. All this talk of not seeing each other very often – all this doubt about whether Roxas would be able to make it out tonight… it all served to unsettle Axel and make him agitated. But he needed to be a friend first.

“It’s the least I could do. You’ve been more than generous. I probably shouldn’t have accepted half the things you paid for.”

Axel dismissed that with a hand wave and a sharp exhale of air. “Don’t worry about it. You’re not in my debt for anything. I like seeing you happy and I’ve been having lots of fun with you, so it’s all good.”

Another thin smile and an outstretched hand in farewell.

Axel took it, and cracked. He couldn’t play it cool, after all, and so he pleaded, “Please come tonight. Complete friend-zone, I swear. You told me that’s what you want and that’s what I’ll deliver.”

“I’ll see how I go.”

And with that, they went their separate ways.

* * *

 

Axel went about his work serving patrons with one eye on the front door but caught no sight of Roxas. He wasn’t at the bar, nor on the dance floor, and as Axel’s shift came to an end, he gave up hope.

Maybe it was the best for all involved. But he _hated_ that idea. Axel shut his locker, after having stared vacantly into it for goodness knows how long. He went back out into the dark clamor of the bar, heading for the door.

Hand landed on his shoulder. “Axel, someone’s looking for you.”

He sighed. “Oh, man, I’m just on my way out. What do they want?”

Jonah shrugged. “Ask him yourself. He’s over by the bar.”

Axel followed the point of a finger, and eyes landed on— “Roxas!” He didn’t need the small wave and slight smile to encourage him. He headed straight over, heart pounding with excitement and elation.

 _‘Stay cool, stay cool. And don’t touch!’_ he told himself firmly.

“Hi.” Roxas got up off the bar stool.

“Hey, gorgeous!”

Roxas’ smile grew a fraction brighter. “I’m so glad you’re still here.”

Axel was too. “You finished all your unpacking?”

“Huh? —Oh, yeah.”

“Cool. So, ah… what do you wanna do?”

“Um… is it too late to get a drink?”

“Never,” Axel beamed. “Hey, Karina!” He waved down the woman who had replaced him.

“Axel, I thought you were leaving,” she said as she came over.

“Well, I was, until my friend here showed up.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” she greeted.

“Same,” Roxas nodded at her.

“So, what can I get you two?”

Roxas looked at Axel expectantly.

“Well, I’m gonna have a Black Russian, and could you make Roxas a tea-tini? You know how to make that, right?”

“Ahhh, yeah. I’m sure it’ll come back to me when I get started.”

“Cool. Use the fruity tea though, please,” he pointed.

“All right. Quit pestering me,” she pushed his hand away and got to work.

“I’m not keeping you from anything, am I?” Roxas sat back down and Axel joined him.

“Nah. I’ve been waiting for you all night, so, you know,” he shrugged. “Quite happy to keep hanging out.” Axel could see the way Roxas smiled, despite the man turning away to look at the bar top.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier.”

“You’re here now. That’s what matters.”

Roxas faced Axel again, smiling more openly. “You had a busy night?”

“Not more than usual. Dragged on forever though.” Axel rested his elbow on the bar, and chin in his hand.

“Oh, why’s that?”

 _‘Because you weren’t here, duh_.’ He refrained from saying that out loud. “Just nothing exciting happened. Oh, hey, I’ve had another great idea for our bar!” Axel pulled out a pen from his pocket and leaned over the bar top, knowing exactly where to fish around to get his hands on some coasters. He then began drawing on the back.

“ _Our_ bar? I thought I was only gonna occupy a small space.”

“You’ve been upgraded to co-owner. We’re gonna dream big or go home, Roxas.”

Roxas laughed at that. “Okay, how big are you thinking exactly?”

That started them off on a fanciful journey of designing their dream place. Swimming pool and sauna on the roof, next to the open-air bar. A bowling alley and squash courts. An extra deep cellar, with labyrinthine-like passageways, which somehow turned into a haunted house, by the time their drinks had been received and consumed.

Roxas had, for once, enjoyed his drink – so much so that he had asked Axel for a second suggestion, which he had happily provided now that he had a better idea of Roxas’ taste buds.

Four drinks later, and Roxas was on the high end of the definitely-wasted scale.

Roxas slammed his empty drink down on the bar top and wiped at his mouth, with the back of his hand a few times. “Axy, won’t you come shake the bus-the buds-the bun-the bum! Shake the bum with me. Let’s dance,” he declared while sliding off his chair for the fifth time in as many minutes.

Axel, being able to hold his drink a lot better, felt quite buzzed, but was still sharp enough to catch Roxas and sit him back up on his stool. “Dude, I wanna dance with you, but like – you can’t even sit straight.”

“Sitting’s for bruisers – no, no – losers. You’re a loser, Axy,” his finger missed the accusatory mark and instead pointed at the backbar to Axel’s left.

It made Axel laugh. “C’mon, my drunk little cinnamon roll—”

“Who ya callin’ drink.”

“You’re calling yourself a drink.”

“No, Axy. No more drinks. I can’t.” Roxas began wobbling again and his hands waved all over the place, swatting at invisible flies.

Axel chuckled, caught Roxas by the arm, and dragged him to his feet.

“Where we goin’?”

“Out.”

“I wanna dance with you!” Roxas complained and dragged his feet.

“Yeah, c’mon, let’s dance this way.” Axel wound an arm around Roxas’ waist, but that caused Roxas to turn towards him and wrap both his arms around Axel’s shoulders.

“Hold me.”

“Trying. C’mon, let’s dance this way,” he breathed into Roxas’ ear while savoring the closeness.

“You all right, Axel?” he heard Karina ask from behind.

“Yeah.” He gave her a hand signal, which all staff at Organization 13 understood, and began dancing and waltzing with Roxas in a specific direction.

Roxas seemed willing to be moved as long as they were pressed together. It made Axel’s job enjoyable, but also difficult. Hands kept wandering and Axel had the hardest time not giving in and letting them go wherever drunken Roxas pleased. Despite the miniature wrestling match, he managed to maneuver them both outside, where a cab had pulled up.

Axel made it to the door and even got it open. “Watch your head.” He leaned down and half slid, half shoved Roxas into the cab.

“What’s happening? Is the dancing over?”

“It’s over. You’re going home. You know where home is, right?”

Roxas moved jerkily, righting himself in the cab seat and blew a raspberry. “Of course I know where home is.”

“Okay. Well, tell the nice lady so she can take you home.”

“Huh?” Eyes sluggishly moved and head lagged behind as Roxas looked between the cab driver and Axel. “Aren’t you coming with me? Come with me, Axy.” Fumbling hands weakly gripped at Axel’s shirt, pulling him towards the bowels of the cab.

Axel resisted. “Why, what’re we gonna do?”

“Each other. C’mon,” Roxas whined in a drawl.

Excitement jolted through Axel and he folded up, entering the cab. “You sure?” he checked as he pushed Roxas further along the backseat, towards the other door, so he could get all of himself into the cramped space.

Hands were clumsily placed and attempted to slide under Axel’s shirt, but he couldn’t seem to manipulate the thin fabric properly. “Yeah. Of course. You’re such a good friend, Axy, I wanna do things to ya,” Roxas mumbled as he face-planted against Axel’s chest.

A cold uncomfortable breeze blew through Axel, causing the burning desire to flicker and fizzle. There was a promise he had to keep, though Roxas wasn’t doing a good job of upholding his end of the bargain. He wrapped arms around Roxas, who moaned a, “Yeah, baby,” in between depositing sloppy kisses on Axel’s neck.

Axel lost focus for a second but managed to get Roxas’ seatbelt fastened before the drunken man could figure out what was actually happening. Axel then, with a heavy heart, and a begrudging tightness in his pants, slid back towards the cab door and dangled feet out.

Hands reached out, “Axy, where’re you— ow, why’m I stuck?”

“You’re right, Rox. I _am_ your friend. You’re gonna thank me for this later. Now tell the nice lady where you live.” Axel turned away, stood up and slammed the door shut. “You better leave now, before he figures out how a belt buckle works. And please make sure he gets to his front door all right. Just invoice the fare to Organization 13.” He received a nod and the cab drove off, taking with it Axel’s best chance at finally getting with Roxas.

He cursed himself for respecting sober Roxas’ wishes. He half-wished he had been drunk himself, so his pesky conscience could have been drowned out. Axel could still hear Roxas’ words in his head, causing him to groan. Oh, how he wished that he had been a shitty friend.

* * *

 

Roxas watched Axel diminish into the background as the cab drove away.

“Where’re we going, sweetheart?”

Roxas’ head snapped around to the front, searching for the disembodied voice. “Huh?”

“Your address.”

Mind was still on Axel. Roxas had been so close. Axel had been so warm. “Where’m I? Where’s Axy?”

“You’re in my cab. I’m driving you home. But I need your address.”

Roxas finally saw. The strange shapes before him turned into the back of car seats. The owner of the voice sat in the driver’s seat. Roxas made out dark hair and slender fingers on steering wheel. Their eyes met through the rearview mirror.

“Oh, ninety-seven Ocara Avenue.”

“Thank you.” Eyes stopped looking at Roxas.

Roxas watched the woman enter the address into a GPS, and once that finished, there was nothing but the sound of tires on road. He kept staring mindlessly at how the warm glow of passing streetlights and car headlights illuminated the inside of the vehicle. He was missing something and looked around. “Why isn’t Axy here? You need to go back ‘n’ get him,” Roxas pointed behind himself.

“I will, after I drive you home.”

Excitement filled his chest. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, thank you!” Roxas leaned forward but got stopped by something across his upper body. He struggled against it to no avail, so leaned back in defeat. “Thank you so much, miss…” Why didn’t he know her name?

“Amber.”

“Thank you, Miss Amber! That’s such a nice name.”

“Aren’t you sweet.”

Roxas smiled, scrunching his nose up and forcing eyes closed. Having his eyes closed felt nice, so he kept them like that. But something was missing. He opened his eyes again and looked around, casting a long look behind himself, where headlights from the cars following, blinded him. Roxas closed his eyes against the brightness – and then noticed it; there was something on the air. It smelled like - _Axel_.

“Why isn’t he here? He wants to have sex. I know he does. I was gonna let him.” Roxas wanted those warm hands, and lips, and long legs around him. “Why isn’t he here?” he whined.

“Because he’s a nice man. I’m sure he’ll happily do what you want him to do once you’re sober.”

 _Sober?_ This lady was making no sense. “But I wanna sex him _now_! I can’t sex him when I’m sober.”

“Drunk courage?”

“Huh?” He turned around to face the front and looked for eyes in the mirror. “Is that another drink?”

“No, sweetie. Why do you need to drink to have sex?”

 _Sex_. Roxas missed having sex. The last time was – _Oh_. “Makes me forget,” he muttered.

“Forget what?”

“That I have a boyfriend.” An image of Vanitas flashed in his head. He pushed it away.

“That is a bit of a problem.”

“Mmm. He’ll be back soon, you know. Then I can’t sex Axy at all. I wanna sex him.” He rubbed hands against his face, imagining Axel’s warm touch.

“What’s wrong with your boyfriend?”

Roxas groaned. “ _Everything_.” Sudden guilt swept over him. “No, nothing… No, everything. Urgh.” It hurt too much to think about. He was having so much fun with Axel. Roxas couldn’t remember the last time he had a nice time with Vanitas. “I want Axy to be my boyfriend. He’s nice to me. Thinks I’m funny and smart. Listens to me and likes what I wear and what I do. Let’s me do things. Doesn’t ask ‘ _where are you,’ – ‘why do you do that and this,_ ’” Roxas said in a mocking tone, folding arms. “He doesn’t order me to ‘ _Come out, wear this, do that, do exactly like I tell you to._ ’ No.” He shook his head and felt extra hot and grumpy. “Axy isn’t like that. He’s so nice. I want to sex him. I want to boyfriend him.” Roxas smiled to himself, imagining what it would be like. Lots of kisses and holding and laughing. All the laughing and feeling nice.

“Maybe tell him in the morning.”

Sounded easy enough. Roxas nodded, “Okay.” He basked in the cozy thought of Axel until the peace was intruded upon by the cab stopping.

“We’re here, ninety-seven Ocara Avenue. Let me help you out.”

What followed was a whirlwind of hands on him. Suddenly he was out of the cocooned cab and amongst cool night air, being walked to the building he now called home.

“Keys?”

“Keys?” It did register and Roxas dove into pockets to fetch them. The main entrance door was opened, and they passed through into a well-lit foyer. Roxas was led to an elevator where they stood for some reason unclear to him.

“Which floor, sweetie?”

“Four.”

A button was pushed, and the metal doors slid open.

“Will you find your way to your apartment or do you need me to come up with you?”

“No, I can do it.”

“Okay. Good night.”

“Night.” Roxas was gently pushed into the elevator, a floor number was selected for him and he waved at the nice woman as doors closed.

Roxas leaned against the wooden rail inside the elevator. It had been such a nice night with Axel. Axel knew the best drinks. Axel had the best hands. The best hair. The best smile. The best voice. The best smell. He continued to rattle off all the wonderful qualities which Axel possessed, as he stumbled out of the opened doors and towards his apartment.

Key finally slid into lock, and the door opened. “Cheshy, I’m home.” He closed the door behind himself, kicked off shoes and picked up his tabby as she circled his legs.

“Did you have fun without me, Chesh? I see you ate your food,” he noted as he wandered into the open plan of his kitchen and living room area.

Cheshire purred and rubbed her head against the underside of his chin. “I had a good night out with Axy. He’s so wonderful. You’ll meet him one day. He’ll treat you nice. Lots of pats and cuddles.” The bedroom was too far away, so Roxas sunk down onto the sofa in the living room and rolled onto his side. Cheshire sprang up and cozied into his ribcage. The warm purring helped lull Roxas to sleep.

* * *

 

The music was pumping, bodies were gyrating on the dance floor, and it was atrociously stuffy. Axel had to keep dabbing at his forehead to stop sweat from dripping and landing in someone’s drink.

The air conditioner was having issues, and the bar was unusually full for a Friday night. Two stag nights and one work party had shown up, on top of the usual crowd. At least stag nights brought the predictable and straightforward drink orders, which Axel could churn out blindfolded, so that was a blessing.

He had just finished filling a tray with shots to send up to the lounge when his eyes found Roxas sliding up onto a bar stool. Axel let out a hefty sigh of relief. He had been worried about him since he had watched the cab drive off the night before.

Wiping hands on apron he approached. “Roxas, how’re you feeling?”

“Better.”

“I’m sorry for last night.”

“Why?”

“I should have told Karina to ease up on the alcohol portion of your drinks.”

“Oh. It’s okay. Ignoring how shit I felt when I woke up, it was kinda fun to be drunk for once.”

Axel returned the smile he received. “Good to hear. Doesn’t sound like you got scarred for life.”

“Nope.”

“You up for a drink? I’ll be making them, so we’ll avoid a repeat of last night, even if you have four or more.”

“Sounds good,” Roxas beamed.

With the all-clear, Axel made Roxas several sweet drinks as the night progressed. He was too busy to exchange more than a few words. So, they came up with a five-point rating scale, by which Axel could gauge how well the drinks were being received. Axel was a bit sad that he only got to see Roxas every time he handed him a fresh beverage or cleaned up the empty glasses. But _some_ interaction was better than none.

Ten-thirty was finally approaching and Roxas was beginning to look a bit too relaxed, so Axel cut him off.

“Go dance a bit.”

“Nah. I wanna stay and watch you work.”

It was sweet. Everything about Roxas was sweet, just like the man’s taste buds. “I won’t be serving you any more drinks, so you might as well go dance a bit.”

That _pout_! Axel’s heart. “I’ll be finished soon and then we can hang out all you like, okay?” he reassured.

Roxas mulled it over, looking out into the sea of people. “Promise you’ll come and find me?”

“Promise.”

“Okay.” Roxas slid off his stool, gave Axel an over-the-shoulder glance and penguin walked for a bit before returning to a normal gait as he joined the dance floor.

Axel chuckled. Roxas was too cute.

Despite the fifteen minutes left on his shift, time dragged its heels. Axel occasionally caught sight of Roxas through the crowd, and when Roxas was aware of Axel, he’d tease him from afar. Hands ran down body, sometimes a becoming finger pointed and curled, calling Axel.

So as soon as Jonah showed up, Axel was out. He pried his soaked, clinging clothes off himself, wiped sweat and makeup off with a towel, and sprayed himself in half a gallon of antiperspirant.

Axel wished he could walk out naked. The thought of having to put on jeans and his long-sleeved shirt and leather jacket made him break out in sweat all over again. But there was nothing to be done about it. He rolled up his sleeves as far as they would go, and only did the middle two buttons up, to keep his shirt together. With boots laced up all the way to his mid-calves, and jacket slung over shoulder, he headed out, eager to be with Roxas.

He pushed into the crowd and used his height to periscope around. It was even hotter in the throng. Axel felt himself get irritated as he was jostled about, looking for his target.

Someone began stroking his arm. Axel whirled around, but the ferocity he was about to unleash was quickly quashed. He ran his hands over Roxas’ and their fingers intertwined. They held on for mere moments before parting again, but there were only inches between them. The people all around pushed them together, which was divine. But both danced without the fervent grinding of nearly a week ago, instead opting for playful jostling.

Axel had begun sweating again before he ever started dancing. Roxas’ hair was limp, and his white shirt clung to him in the most suggestive way possible. Axel tried not to look, focusing instead on the beat of the music, and trying his best to maintain a physical distance between himself and Roxas. They got through two songs, but as the third started, Axel had to admit defeat. “You wanna go do something else?” he yelled into Roxas’ ear.

The response was a nod, so Axel led the way out of the crush, through the staff area, and out the back door.

“Oh man, that feels so much better already!” Axel fanned himself and shook his shirt, to get some of the cooler night air between skin and fabric.

“Yeah. It’s super stuffy in there.” Roxas also tried to cool off and pulled at his shirt.

“Is that why you were off your dancing A-game tonight?” Axel teased and put his jacket on.

“Oh, you noticed?”

“Of course I noticed. Mama tiger, remember?” Axel pulled down the ladder while he listened to Roxas’ laugh. Then they started their ascent. “Your body roll was sloppy and there was absolutely no heart in your moonwalk.”

There came another golden laugh behind Axel. “You weren’t your usual self either. Only four turns instead of the usual eight. It was disappointing to see.”

“I don’t cope well with heat. Seriously hope Marluxia doesn’t cheap out like last time. He should just fork out money for a professional to fix the AC, instead of calling in his sister’s best friend’s cousin’s uncle, or however that acquaintance chain works.”

They clanked up the metal stairs, the air feeling fresher the higher they went.

“You’ll never see me cheaping out on getting things fixed at our bar. This kind of thing ruins reputations,” Axel grumbled.

“You know, my second-cousin’s friend’s dog groomer’s auntie’s grandfather fixes things. Maybe we could have him on as a retainer. I hear he charges a lot, so you wouldn’t have to worry about coming off as cheap.”

Axel belly-laughed. “I’ll take that under advisement.” But then he was left rather breathless from alighting the stairs. Why were there so many stairs?

“Hey, Axel.”

“Yeah?” he huffed, and shot a quick look back to Roxas, a few steps behind him.

“Do you know that you’ve got a massive hole in your jacket elbow, and the leather’s thinning from wear and tear?”

“I do know that, thanks.”

“Is that part of your look?”

A laugh rumbled out. “Old and tired’s never part of my look. But this _is_ my fave jacket so,” Axel shrugged and thankfully – finally – reached the top. Hands went to hips and he breathed in deeply, leveling out his pulse.

Roxas was right at his side. “Looks ancient. How long have you had it for?” he gently poked at Axel’s elbow.

Axel gasped and playfully swatted the hand away. “Take that back! It’s only,” he did some loose finger counting, “two, five, nine, _ten_ … almost eleven years old. Got it for my sixteenth birthday, from my favorite uncle. It only looks like this ‘cause I hardly ever went anywhere without it. Especially when I was younger. I know it’s falling apart and makes me look tatty but hey, it’s comfortable and has seen me through a lot of adolescent angst.” He ran hands along the well-worn leather.

Roxas huffed with quiet laughter. “How sentimental of you.”

“I’m a super sentimental and sensitive guy. This thing’s like my prized possession.” He pulled the jacket off and flung it carelessly onto the ground.

“I’m surprised it’s not in worse shape if you treat your prized possession like that,” Roxas returned with amused snark.

“I only put it through what I know it can handle.” Axel walked towards where he had thrown his article of clothing and spun around. “So, what do you wanna do? Sit on the wall or—”

“Can we do what we did last time? But… you know. Minus the hand holding, probably,” Roxas shrugged with one shoulder and refused to look at Axel.

“Probably?” Axel cocked an eyebrow and gave an amused half-smile as he went to fetch the blanket he kept stored in the box, at the base of the water tank to the side.

“I mean definitely,” Roxas corrected, rubbing at his arms.

Axel rummaged through the box and shortly after came back, spread out the blanket, and they lay down next to each other.

“What did you think of the drinks today?” Axel felt like he needed a better review than just the five-point scale system they had implemented.

“I liked the tea one a lot better than yesterday’s.”

“That’s ‘cause it was my own creation. I call it short-n-sweet, after a certain someone I know,” he dug his elbow into Roxas’ side.

“You’re awful.” Roxas chuckled a little and then fell silent.

“That’s me. You feeling better today after all those drinks? I didn’t push you too far, did I?”

Roxas shook his head and made a sound in the back of his throat to indicate a ‘no.’

“Oh good,” Axel breathed out and stared at the overcast sky for a while.

The city’s ambient noise filled the air, as did the chirping of unseen crickets.

“Hey Roxas, what’s wrong? This feels awkward, right?” He was sure he wasn’t imagining it.

Heads turned, and they looked at each other.

Roxas looked away first. “I’m really sorry about yesterday,” he said quietly.

“Don’t be. I had fun.”

“But I think I put you in a really awkward situation, and I shouldn’t have.”

“You were _drink [1]_, and not responsible for anything you said or might have claimed you wanted to do,” he said, unable to pass up reciting his favorite Roxas-blunder of last night.

Roxas groaned and covered his head with his arms. “Why’d you have to bring that up? I can’t believe some of the shit I said.”

“I live to embarrass you,” he sniggered.

“Thanks,” came the sarcastic retort.

“You’re welcome. You really don’t have to worry though. We’ve got each other’s backs, remember? It’s each other’s jobs to stop the other from doing silly things.”

“Yeah.” Arms left face. “Thank you for being trustworthy.”

Axel was super glad he hadn’t acted on his instinct last night. “We’re friends. You don’t have to thank me for doing my duty.”

Roxas sat up. “Maybe I don’t have to, but I was thinking about it all day. I—ah… made this for you.” He leaned to the side a bit and pulled out a small cylinder from one of the pockets of his baggy pants, and then held it out to Axel.

Axel also sat up. “Oh, what’s this?” He took the cylinder. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I wanted to. I’ve been thinking about it since our afternoon breakfast, yesterday.”

That intrigued Axel and he popped open the tube, pulling out a thick piece of rolled-up paper. He unfurled and examined it. “Is that… oh my god, Roxas.” He kept looking between Roxas’ face and the gift. “This is _amazing_. The detail! What the hell! You even have the dimensions in there?” Axel carefully dropped the floor plan of their bar that Roxas had drawn up, and threw his arms around Roxas, giving him a tremendous hug, but then Axel pulled away abruptly. “Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

Roxas balled fists into Axel’s shirt and pulled them back together, laughing lightly. “No, it’s fine. You really do give awesome hugs,” he muffled into Axel’s shoulder.

Axel wrapped arms around Roxas and squeezed him tightly. “I can’t believe you made me something like that. Thank you. It means so much!” he breathed into Roxas’ hair.

“It was nothing, really. I needed to do something to get through the hangover.”

Axel pulled away first. Hands still held Roxas at shoulders though, “Woah, woah, _woah_! Hang on a minute. You did this – while you were _hungover_?” He felt his jaw drop.

“Ah… yeah? Is that bad?”

“Are you _shitting_ me? I can’t even tie my boots up when I’m properly wasted. How’d you manage this?” Axel let go and returned his attention to the floor plan of their bar. It was meticulously drawn out.

“It’s nothing, really.”

Axel let out a sharp dismissive tone from his throat. “Bullshit. Stop saying it’s nothing. Take the compliment, Roxas.”

“Uh, okay. Thank you, Axel.”

“Good. So how do you even know how to make something like this? You know, I’ve tried to map this out in the past on actual paper. It never turned out right. Always had some sides too long or some weird void. And even when all the bits met up, it never looked as nice or professional as this.”

“I just know how to plan better?”

Axel gave Roxas a stern look. “Maybe. But seriously, it’s more than that.”

“Yeah. I, ah – studied architecture.”

“Woah. See, I knew you were a professional,” he grinned broadly.

“Stop it,” Roxas giggled and nudged his shoulder.

“Are you a professor in architecture now?”

“No. I only studied it for one semester.”

“Oh. Why’s that? Discovered you’re so naturally gifted that you don’t need anyone to teach you? Or it wasn’t your thing?”

“No, neither of those things. I loved it, but – I, ah… other things came up, so I had to defer, but never got back into it,” he shrugged and looked a little uncomfortable.

“Shame. Sounds like it was something you really enjoyed. You should totally take it back up. Since you work from home you could easily fit in studying along with running your business,” Axel encouraged.

Roxas smiled at him, but it looked sad. He lay back down and eyes turned back up to the sky. “I’ll think about it.”

Axel joined Roxas back on the ground and also drew his eyes skyward. Apparently, some wind had picked up in the upper stratosphere, as the sky was beginning to clear. He could see some spotlights, off in the distance, beaming into the sky and reflecting off some clouds that still hung around. There was probably some sort of a premier going down clear across the city. The foot and car traffic down below was still going on, and the crickets had changed their tune but continued singing to one another.

“Still no stars. Not even one really bright one,” Roxas lamented.

“Huh? Can’t be. I think I see one.”

“Where?”

Axel pointed.

Roxas searched for a bit before he said, “Sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s a satellite.”

“No way.”

“Yeah way. Look, it’s moving super-fast.”

“Oh.” Axel searched for something else to declare as a star. “What about that?”

“Plane. I thought the blinking white and red lights gave that one away.”

“Damn. Thought it might have been going supernova or something.”

Roxas snorted with amusement. It made Axel want to keep playing the game. “Ooo, what about that?”

Roxas laughed. “That’s the moon, Axel.”

“Isn’t that just a glorified star?” he said dreamily, tilting his head towards Roxas.

“No, it’s really not,” he said with laughter in his voice and a content smile on his face.

“Spoilsport.” Axel sat up, searching for something else equally ridiculous to point to. He found something. “Okay then. Surely _that’s_ a star.”

Roxas sat up too, looked, and laughed louder. “Neon sign for a strip joint. You’re moving further and further in the wrong direction.”

He was, but Roxas was having fun, so it was all good. Axel wondered if he should use his next line or leave it. _Ah fuck it._ Nothing ventured, nothing gained. “This then. This is definitely a star, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.” He pointed at Roxas and waited.

Roxas smiled and then laughed gently, before looking away, abashed. “I’m really not,” came the small voice.

Roxas was so damn cute. “Mm, you are. You’re a fashion designer and an architect. What else don’t I know about you? Huh?”

A shy glance back at Axel and a denial followed, “It’s nothing special.”

Axel didn’t get why Roxas was being so modest, verging on the insecure almost. “It is. It’s super special.” Axel looked back down at the floor plan Roxas had drawn up. “This is so amazing. If I had your talent and patience, I’d probably be rolling in money.”

“Thanks,” thin voice quavered.

Axel couldn’t help himself. He reached over, sliding hand around the side of Roxas’ head, and stroked cheek with his thumb. Wide blue eyes looked back at him. Light from the neon sign reflected and danced as tears gathered. Axel’s chest tightened, and it became hard to swallow. Brows knit. He didn’t understand. “What’s wrong?”

Roxas cupped Axel’s hand with his own and pushed into Axel’s touch. Eyes squeezed shut, releasing the gathering tears. “Nothing,” he breathed, before turning his head towards the hand and leaving a kiss on Axel’s palm.

Roxas stayed like that for a while. Axel felt warm air against his hand and the continuing damp caused by tears. He gently moved his fingers, stroking the soft skin of Roxas’ cheek.

A big exhale followed after some time and Roxas pulled Axel’s hand off his face, but he didn’t let go. “Axel…” eyes looked up at him. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

Stomach tightened. What was happening? Axel didn’t want to, but he needed to stop this. He pointed with his free hand, “Is that a star?”

Roxas ignored him. He moved and straddled Axel’s lap, taking up Axel’s other hand and sliding them both around his waist. He slung his own arms around Axel’s shoulders and pulled himself close.

Oh, how Axel wanted this. Roxas already felt so good against him, making his lap warm, and all hot and firm under his fingers. Axel’s digits twitched, but he fought the urge to run hands up and down Roxas’ sides, to discover a way under clothes. Instead, he pulled a hand off and placed it on Roxas’ chest. “Rox, what are you doing?” he asked quietly.

Eyes darted all over Axel’s face and upper body, before settling back on his eyes. “I need you. I need this so bad.” Roxas’ head tilted, eyes began sliding shut as he neared.

Axel automatically leaned in as well and parted his lips as he looked at the deliciousness that was Roxas. But he caught himself, and with one final muster of self-control, he pushed against chest, halting Roxas’ slow advance. “Roxas—”

Roxas stopped, eased up a little and gave Axel his full attention.

He didn’t want to say it. In fact, he would have loved for future Axel to come time-traveling back right now to kick him in the balls; but since that wasn’t happening he went on, “If you do this, I’m not gonna stop you again. So as your friend I’m gonna say it–” _Don’t fucking say it! Don’t you dare say it!_ But he did, “You have a boyfriend, and it’s not me.”

Neither of them moved. Chests rose and fell, eyes looked at one another, time froze.

Blue eyes fell on lips. Roxas’ breathy whisper pierced ears, “Please don’t judge me.”

“Never,” Axel replied, almost inaudible. He no longer resisted. Hand slid down and settled on hip as Roxas pushed forward, once more tilting head.

He descended on Axel, unhindered. Dry, warm lips pushed against Axel’s and stayed there for what felt like an eternal but fleeting moment. Warm breath tickled Axel’s skin. He found he was holding his own breath. Too scared to let it out, in case Roxas suddenly up and left.

Roxas pushed his chin towards Axel and with it brought more pressure against lips.

Axel finally exhaled. Roxas apparently really wanted this, despite Axel’s warning and reminder. Axel could go ahead with a clear conscience, right? He had tried. So, he let his desire for Roxas take over.

Gripping Roxas tightly around his middle, Axel finally kissed back; slowly sucking on lips and running his tongue around delicate flesh. Roxas did the same, landing them in a nice rhythm of push and pull, and soft sighs and hums of pleasure.

Axel wound arms around Roxas, and slowly rubbed the small of his back with his hand. Roxas pulled himself even closer to Axel’s chest. He ran a hand up into the red mane, where fingers scraped against scalp and slightly pulled on the hair, making Axel purr. Roxas held fast, with his other arm wound around shoulders, as Axel leaned backward, bringing them both down to the ground.

Roxas used the firm resistance of the ground to push against Axel. His tongue slid into Axel’s open and wanting mouth, and their kissing intensified.

Hips started rolling against Axel’s own, causing Axel’s arousal to harden even further. Finding an opening, Axel slid a hand underneath shirt and up Roxas’ back, while the other hand pushed under waistband and slid down, cupping a bare cheek. He squeezed and kneaded.

Roxas ground harder against Axel, and their kissing became rougher with desire for each other. Their soft sounds grew into moans and gasping whimpers.

While one hand was still entwined in red hair, the other hand traveled over exposed chest and pulled open the remaining two buttons on Axel’s shirt. Fingers meandered down his abdomen, following red happy trail and slowly worked underneath the jeans waistband.

Axel was going to lose his mind if they didn’t have sex this very moment. Fuck condoms, fuck lube. He needed Roxas in him, right now.

He got his mouth free to speak, rather gruffly, “Fuck me, Roxas. Here, _now._ ” But he regretted the words instantaneously as Roxas pulled off him and got up. Axel sat up, licking lips and really missing the heat. “Is everything all right?” Admittedly it was a dumb question.

Roxas paced frantically, holding his head, “No. No! Why did I _do_ that? Why did you _let me_ do that?” Wild, accusatory eyes flung onto Axel.

Axel gasped. “What? Hey, I tried to _stop_ you. Don’t pin this on me,” he finished with slight anger in his voice. Axel was getting frustrated with all the stop-and-starts and endless teasing. He wanted all of Roxas already. It was getting ridiculous.

Wearing an agonizing frown, Roxas turned away and continued pacing, no less frantic. He touched lips for a moment before running hands down his body, smoothing out clothes, and maybe even trying to recall the path Axel’s hands had taken.

Axel watched the to-and-fro. He couldn’t make out what Roxas was muttering to himself, and hoped he was wrong when he thought he caught, ‘ _he’s gonna kill me_.’

“Hey man, just calm down. It wasn’t _that_ bad, was it?”

Roxas stopped abruptly, facing away from Axel. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have – why did I? I don’t know what came over me. I’m not – I don’t – I don’t want to cheat on anyone. What the fuck is wrong with _me_? What’m I doing to you? To Van? To myself?” Roxas gave a frustrated groan and sank down into a squat, clutching his head.

Those were all good questions. As aggravating as the whole situation of being left high-and-dry was, it also hurt to see Roxas so tormented. “It’s okay, I’m not judging,” he tried to reassure. But if he were, he’d give Roxas a ten-out-of-ten for making out.

Roxas’ head swiveled around, and he gave Axel a completely forlorn look. “I…” Roxas suddenly looked like he was in physical pain. “I can’t be around you. I can’t trust myself around you. You’re – like some crazy drug. You touch me–no. You don’t even _have_ to touch me. You just _look_ at me with your gorgeous smile and your fuck-me eyes and tattoos – _God_ your body –” He groaned again. “I can’t be here. We’ll never be _just_ friends,” he spoke almost to himself and got up. “I’m so sorry, Axel.” He made for the fire escape.

Axel’s heart began racing in an unpleasant way. He had to stop him from following through on that. Standing up he called out, “Rox, don’t leave.” But Roxas wasn’t showing any signs of obeying. Axel had to come up with something quick, or he definitely felt he would lose Roxas forever. He searched his brain for any tangible excuse. “Look, I have a theory,” he tried as a stall technique.

It seemed to work. Roxas slowed, and stopped, looking back at Axel. “A theory?”

“Yeah, for why you tell me one thing, but do the opposite.”

“Yeah?” Eyes were practically pleading to be given a valid excuse.

“Yeah. Ah—You’re in a new place, right? You don’t know anyone, and your man’s far away…” Axel began relaxing as he formulated the rest of his case. “It’s pretty lonely. And as nice as having a cat is, they just can’t beat having another person there. So, I figure… you’re just super lonely, and that kinda stuff can make people do all sortsa things.” Had he nailed it? Was it believable enough?

“Really?” There was a desperation and longing in that simple word. Roxas turned towards Axel, looking less like he was about to flee.

“Yeah, really.” Admittedly it wasn’t the best excuse. Axel would have preferred to say that clearly, they were destined to be together, and screw the boyfriend, but he was sure that wouldn’t have netted him the same response. So, he ran with it, whilst button his shirt back up a little. “Loneliness can make people do all kinds of weird stuff. Coupled with my handsomeness – well, it’s amazing we haven’t slept together yet. So… you’re doing a great job. And–” The knowledge of what he was about to say made him feel sick, “I’m sure once you’re back with your boyfriend your feelings will…” Axel didn’t know the right word. Even saying this much killed him. Implying Roxas’ feelings for himself would vanish completely was like death. “Well, everything should settle down. And, we’ll be able to stay friends.” _Urgh_! Where was a sick bag when he needed one?

Roxas looked visibly relieved as he mulled Axel’s words over in his head. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just really lonely. And you’ve been so nice to me and everything. My head’s just all messed up.” It was slow, but by the time he finished, Roxas was nodding eagerly. He sighed, and shoulders slumped. “It’s not weird, is it? I don’t want this ruining our friendship.”

“It’s not,” Axel tried to reassure. But it _was_ weird. He was friend-zoning himself. He didn’t understand why he was doing it. Could he live with himself knowing Roxas was with someone else? Was he still hoping to get Roxas if the relationship fell apart? And if he _was,_ then why was he trying to hold Roxas and his boyfriend together at this point in time?

He did actually know the answer. It was because he didn’t want to lose Roxas. Yes, he would figure out a way to make it work, even if he was going to be a friend forever. And that in itself was a shocking thought and realization. But it was what it was because Axel wanted to open up his bar with Roxas at his side. He wanted to keep dancing, singing, and playing games with him. Axel knew in that moment that he had it really bad for Roxas. Bad enough to lock himself into a forever-friendship with the guy, to his own detriment.

Roxas sighed again and sank down once more on his haunches, into a squat. “Thank goodness. I don’t want to lead you on. I love Van, I’m just lonely,” he faded out into a mutter, sounding like he wanted to reassure himself of those _facts_.

Axel felt like a bucket of icewater had been dumped on him. “When did you say he’s supposed to fly in? I assume he’s catching a plane.” Axel didn’t want to talk about his self-proclaimed rival, but he decided to be a good friend to Roxas, first and foremost.

“Yeah. He’s due in next weekend.” Roxas looked up as Axel slowly approached.

“If you want, I’ll still keep you company. We can keep doing what we’ve been doing this week. It’ll make the time pass quicker. There’s still lots to see and do.” Axel wanted to make sure they were still cool to be together. He’d figure something out about their blatantly obvious attraction for one another and how to deal with it, later.

“We won’t be able to – you know… do this again,” Roxas said, reddening.

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t mean this part. I meant the other parts. Going places, hanging out, seeing shit.”

“You’re cool with us just being friends?” Disbelief tinted his words.

He couldn’t say it, so he just nodded through a forced smile.

“Yeah? Wow. Thanks, Axel. You really don’t mind hanging out with me?” Roxas sounded so incredulous.

Axel found his voice again and tried to sound as serious as possible, “Dude, I’m not having fake-fun with you just to get with you, if that’s what you think is going on.”

Roxas sighed and looked at his knees. “I… honestly, I was kind of worried that if we couldn’t be more than friends, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

“That’ll never happen. I like you for you,” he said sternly and stood before Roxas, holding out his hand. “Come out with me and my friends tomorrow. We’re going down to the amusement park by the beach. It’s on the corner of Fifty-first street and Sandy Bay Drive. There’s buses that go there. We’re meeting at ten AM.”

“Yeah?” Roxas reached up and took Axel’s hand.

“Yeah.” Axel pulled him up.

Roxas took a small step back so they weren’t chest to chest. “Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“No. I’m taking leave that day. It’s my birthday.”

Eyes almost bugged out. “Your birthday? Why didn’t you lead with that?”

Axel shrugged. “Not that important.”

“Are you _insane_? Of course it’s important! And of course I’ll come. I need to get you something though. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Roxas smacked Axel on the arm.

He chuckled. “I don’t make a big deal out of it. I wouldn’t be going anywhere, but my friends insisted. And don’t worry about getting me anything. You’ve already given me an incredible gift,” he pointed back towards the blanket where the floor plan lay, curled up in a roll, and where they had recently made out.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just be there tomorrow. That’ll be enough.”

Roxas’ face grew stern, and he gave a super serious nod. “I’ll be there. And I’ll win you some stupid prize at one of the not-so-rigged fairground games.”

Axel laughed. “Okay, deal.” He reached out and raked fingers through Roxas’ hair. He loved the way Roxas always leaned into it, awash with contentment.

Roxas smiled up at Axel. But the look fell away. “Gah, I should get home. Need to be up early for tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a point. Let’s pack up and go.”

* * *

 

The next day arrived, and Axel made an effort to be on time. He stood outside the amusement park entrance five minutes before his friends started arriving in dribs and drabs. The satisfaction of seeing their reactions, and the way his friends shouted, ‘ _guess who’s here before you_!’ as others arrived, was priceless.

By a quarter-past everyone was there. Everyone except for Roxas.

“Can’t you call him to check where he’s at?” Flik asked, a bit testily.

“Don’t have his number,” was Axel’s simple reply as he continued to look out into the crowd, searching for adorable spikes atop an undoubtedly cool outfit.

Half an hour passed. Axel’s friends were not amused.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Ruth whined.

“He probably forgot. No point waiting around,” Lucy insisted.

Axel wore a scowl and refused to budge. “He’ll be here.” There was no way Roxas was _not_ coming.

But after an hour of waiting around, his friends left him. Kairi gave him a sympathetic look as she followed everyone else.

Axel remained behind, getting increasingly upset, worried, and then angry as hours passed. By midday, he was too pissed off to admit defeat and too pissed off to join his friends. He stayed out the front – sitting, leaning, slouching and in the end laying down next to the bollard he had declared his watch-post.

Axel ignored his friends’ texts and calls. He refused to see them when they came to check on him. When the sun set, Axel left for home, completely numb inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot happened in this chapter. I'm internally screaming at myself.
> 
> 1This is not a typo or a mistake. Axel is purposefully referring to Roxas calling himself a drink the night before when he was drunk. 
> 
> Songs from the playlist -  
> [Still Falling For You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvP_OwVSFpk) by Ellie Goulding  
> [Astronaut (Something About Your Love)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4BSQj2CAJM) by Mansionair  
> [Gold Mess](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4z9ceXYTjfQ) by Elie Schoen - and I'm telling you guys in confidence... if Roxas _had_ to have a theme song... this would be fucking _it_.


	6. An Unwanted Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really, he would have preferred it to never have happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the long wait between chapters. What started as a few minor edits turned into a full-blown restructure of some core story elements. I want to give myself lots of time to deal with that stuff between posting more chapters, but I also don't want to keep you hanging so please take this chapter for sustenance. A regular update schedule will be forthcoming at some point.

Axel saw no trace of Roxas for days upon days. He teetered between worry and anger. If Roxas had shown up at random, Axel thought he would have yelled at him, so it was probably for the best that he caught no sight of the man.

He didn’t feel like doing much of anything, so he slept in before work, and on his days off that week, decided to stay in. He went through his extensive pile of video games, giving some old classics another go until he found his stride with Mario Kart, finding enjoyment in trying to beat his old personal bests for laps.

Tuesday came and went, and Wednesday was much the same. He only had a brief interruption when his phone rang for the umpteenth time. Since he wasn’t in the middle of a race just yet, he picked up and wedged the phone between shoulder and ear.

“Yo, ‘sup!”

_“Oh, look who finally picked up! I’m calling to ask you what you’re doing,”_ came the testy voice.

“Huh? Nothing much.”

_“Then why didn’t you come out for lunch yesterday or today?”_

“Oh, yesterday I was busy, and today the weather is too shit to go outside.” Axel flicked through the different race tracks and checked his high scores, to see which one he wanted to tackle next.

_“Well, I’ll give you that. Today is pretty dismal. But what about yesterday? Why didn’t you come out? What did you get up to?”_ came the nag.

“A new personal best in Mario Kart. I used to be really good at this game. Just trying to get my groove back.”

_“Is that what you’re doing right now, instead of being out and hanging with your friends?”_

“Ah, yeah,” he drawled. “This is important to me, Kairi.”

_“It’s never been in the past, no matter how much it rained.”_

“Humans change all the time. I’m deep and multifaceted,” he threw out, resting controller in lap and gripping the phone properly, as he was getting a crick in his neck.

_“There’s nothing deep about you sulking at home,”_ came the pin-point accurate assessment.

“I’m not sulking.”

_“You are. Ever since Roxas stood you up last week you’ve stopped being fun and sociable. And your friends — your ‘real,’ long-standing friends, have noticed.”_

He was insulted. Axel threw down his controller, switched the television off, and leaned forward, giving Kairi his full attention. “I don’t care for your tone of voice right now. What do you mean, _real friends_? Roxas _is_ a real friend.”

_“Well, I don’t care for you getting all angry and snappy at me. I’m calling to check up on you, so drop the attitude.”_

“I never asked you to check up on me. I’m a grown-assed man, I can look after myself.”

_“Then why’re you sulking, like a little child?”_

“Because I —” Axel clapped his mouth shut. He had nearly fallen for it. “I’m _not_ sulking.”

_“Axel.”_ It was sharp, commanding, while also being caring.

Axel could hear Kairi’s concern. He sighed. “I really care about him. You weren’t there when we talked about going to the amusement park together. He was going to be there, one-hundred percent.”

_“But he wasn’t, hence the sulking.”_

“I’m worried about him, Kai-Kai.”

Her hardline questioning softened slightly. _“Worried that something bad happened to him, or worried that he’s finally put this boyfriend first?”_

Hearing her voice his fears stung. “Those are the same thing.”

_“A boyfriend isn’t a bad thing, Axel.”_

“It is if it’s Roxas and that boyfriend isn’t me.” He knew he was sounding whiny, but he couldn’t stop his emotions from rising to the surface.

_“Stop being so selfish. You should be happy that he’s chosen his drug lord boyfriend over you. Now you can move on.”_

It was said in jest, but Axel couldn’t find the laugh inside himself. “I don’t want to move on, Kai.”

_“You sound like a cliché romance movie, Ax. You barely knew the guy for a week. How can you be in so deep?”_

How, indeed. “I don’t know, but I am.”

Kairi sighed. _“At least come out and be with your friends. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. Sulk if you have to, but at least do it in good company.”_

He had to admit that even this uncomfortable talk had made him feel a bit better. A twinge of regret fluttered through him at having missed the chance to be amongst his friends. “Just let me have this week. If I’m still moping next week, I give you permission to knock my door down and drag me out.”

Some static silence filtered through the earpiece, and then a gentle, _“Okay,”_ followed. _“We care about you, don’t forget that.”_

“I won’t. Bye, Kai.”

_“Bye, Ax,”_ she hung up.

Axel couldn’t forget that Roxas also cared for him. What had happened? He threw himself down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling fan. An image of Roxas — cooped up in a hospital bed somewhere because he had gotten into a major accident while on his way to being with Axel — filled his mind.

Maybe he had suffered a severe head injury and was now comatose, or worse — suffered from amnesia and had forgotten all about him. That seemed far more plausible than Roxas suddenly choosing his boyfriend over Axel. He had basically promised that he would be at the amusement park.

Axel growled as he sat up, picking the controller off the couch cushion, and turned the television back on. He hated thinking about it, so he returned to his game.

* * *

 

Axel was glad when his work week started again. It gave him something to do and focus on. A week passed without Roxas appearing. Axel stared at Roxas’ website many times, filling in that inquiry box, but erasing it every time because he wanted to adhere to Roxas’ wishes. But he told himself that if Roxas didn’t show himself before the month ended, Axel would take drastic actions. Until then, he just tried to get through the days as best he could.

It was Friday and smack-bang in the middle of the changing of the guard; the afternoon crowd slowly phasing out and being replaced with the more rambunctious evening folks, who wanted to let off some steam after work. Axel enjoyed witnessing the change and what it did for the atmosphere of the place. It got progressively rowdier and more fun as the hour slipped into early evening.

It was just after happy hour ended that Axel got quite a severe shock. He walked over to an unremarkable looking gentleman standing by the bar. Hair slicked back with way too much gel, giving him a greasy appearance. The dull grey overcoat looked dated and overly large for the guy. He looked so mediocre that Axel couldn’t fathom why he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off him ever since he approached the bar.

But he knew as soon as his greeting of, “What can I get you?” was answered in a meek but familiar voice— 

“I’m so sorry about last weekend, Axel.”

Eyes went wide. “Roxas? Is that you?”

Arms folded across his body as if he were cold. Eyes darted slightly before he gave the tiniest of nods. A wave of relief swept over Axel. He leaned over the bar slightly, so they could hear each other better. “I was so worried. What happened?”

Roxas chewed at his lip and stepped closer as well. “Vanitas came home Saturday morning without telling me that he would. Said it was supposed to be a surprise.”

Ice ran down Axel’s back, but a heat welled in his chest and a tension coursed through his body. The relief he had felt moments before evaporated. “I waited for you. I waited all fucking day.”

Roxas leaned back a bit, startled. “I’m so sorry,” he mewled.

“Not good enough, Roxas. I waited all day. It was the fucking worst waste of a birthday, ever,” he snapped as quietly as his growing outrage would let him.

Roxas’ mouth fell open. He stammered, trying at another apology, but Axel didn’t want to hear it. “You could have — no, you _should_ have come out. Should have brought your _boyfriend_ along—” he practically spat out. “Instead of leaving me worrying about you for the last seven days.” Axel shot a glance to his left and right, making sure he wasn’t causing a scene. But sadly, patrons were beginning to look.

“I couldn’t. I wanted to be there. I’m so sorry.” Roxas looked increasingly distressed, and almost like he was about to cry.

That hit Axel in the chest, dislodging some of the broiling anger. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Can you give me fifteen minutes? I’ll get someone to fill in for me, so we can go talk somewhere in private.”

The change in tone seemed to relax Roxas somewhat. His arms eased off his sides a little, but he still spoke in a terribly small voice. “I really want to, but… I’m sorry. I can’t. I have to go. Vanitas is expecting me at five-thirty on the dot. I can’t stay. I only made this quick stop to tell you how sorry I am.”

That was it for Axel. He was _pissed_. “Get out, and don’t come back here,” he snarled quietly.

Blue eyes went wide. “Axel, please don’t — I miss you,” tears rolled.

“You should have thought of that before you put your boyfriend before our friendship. Now get out, or I’m gonna get the bouncers over here.”

“I — Axel. Don’t be mad,” came the tear-filled plea.

Axel pointed at the door. “Go. Your boyfriend needs you at his side. Tick tock. Time’s wasting away,” he ended in a derisive tone.

Roxas followed the finger, bit his lip, and then slowly turned away. He kept throwing glances at Axel as he went. But after about three sad and longing stares from Roxas, Axel turned away and went back to work.

He couldn’t concentrate much on his work for the remainder of his shift. Pouring drinks was hard with trembling hands. He was so mad at Roxas for putting their friendship last. If Axel getting shafted was going to be the norm — now that the asshole had moved in with Roxas — well, Axel figured it would be best to end things on his own terms.

Those thoughts consumed him all the way home, and his attempts at getting sleep were filled with thoughts of Roxas. By the time early morning rolled around, Axel’s anger had lost its heat and he was left feeling like shit. The image of Roxas crying sat in the very forefront of his mind. The fun they had shared over the past week grew the welling upset inside himself. He wished he hadn’t been such an asshole.

Mind you, he felt justified in his upset, but wished he hadn’t made such a brash decision in the heat of the moment to tell Roxas to never come back. He didn’t want things to end between them after all. He decided he had been a shit friend. Just as shit as Roxas had been to him.

That was his biggest regret, and he worried how he would find Roxas again to apologize.

* * *

 

Saturday rolled on in. The bar was positively going off that evening. Everyone was in good cheer and Axel was kept fairly busy tending to drink orders. At some point, not too late into the evening, Axel cast a wary eye out into the bopping crowd. Something caught his eye, and he tried to track as it darted hither and thither.

Was that…? No. It couldn’t be. This guy was all gothed up, except for his golden hair. Everything else was black on black on black, in Victorian-esque clothes. And he was grinding up against an equally goth looking dark haired guy.

Axel kept catching glimpses of the pair through the crowd. Those moves… the longer he watched the more certain he grew. _Roxas_. Dancing with… _the boyfriend_ rumbled through Axel’s mind with venom, and he menacingly squinted at them from afar. It hurt seeing them dance together. And then it began to burn. What was Roxas playing at? Why was he here? Axel had told him not to come back, only yesterday. Sure, Axel had regretted it, but considering what he was seeing — well, it pissed him off again. Did Roxas possess a goldfish-sized memory? Was this _payback_ of some kind? Was Roxas rubbing their intense feelings into the dirt and giving Axel a massive middle finger?

Longing and upset melded together. Axel couldn’t look away. He wanted the other man to be himself so badly. The way Roxas had felt against his own body was burned into his memory. He hated the idea of anyone else being with Roxas and felt torn between an urgent need to apologize for his previous day’s angry words, and the deep need to have the couple evicted from the bar.

The only saving grace came when his attention was pulled away by patrons ordering drinks. But he kept watching and stewing in silent anger and frustration.

After a while, the music changed, which saw the goth couple stop dancing. Axel monitored their movements closely, while he served up bottles of Coronas with limes shoved down the necks to some patrons.

The couple stole away to the side of the dance floor, talking a bit. Glances were cast towards the bar, and Roxas’ and Axel’s eyes connected across the bustling room. Axel glared. Roxas hastily looked away and started pointing at something else. But the subject of Axel’s hatred made towards the bar, and Roxas trailed behind, head sunken.

This was Axel’s chance to do… _something_. He kept playing with the idea of getting them evicted — evicting the boyfriend. Could he start a fight with the man? The bouncers would take Axel’s side if he claimed he had been assaulted first. He just wanted to be left alone with Roxas. His heart yearned for him, but it was also pounding with heated outrage. Why had Roxas come in with _that thing_ attached to him?

Axel regrettably noted how the boyfriend wasn’t horribly disfigured or hideous to look at. He was trim, fashionable – even for a goth – and somewhat taller than Roxas. If Axel wasn’t feeling such intense hatred for the other man, he’d probably admit that he would happily do the guy if Axel had randomly seen him around the place. But since it wasn’t like that, Axel begrudgingly rated him as a six out of ten for fuckability, and thus, clearly not worth his time.

The two approached Axel’s side of the bar. Whether that was a good or bad thing was yet to be seen. The jerk slid onto a chair, and a few moments later Roxas joined him, slowly, carefully, and completely avoiding looking in Axel’s direction. He was visibly deeply uncomfortable.

Axel could be an asshole about it. He half wanted to be. But the other half wanted – and needed – to gauge whether or not Roxas had ever told his _dearly beloved_ anything about him. So, he purposely walked over, delving into the friendly introduction, “Good evening. Name’s Axel, and I’ll be pleased to take your orders tonight. What can I get you?”

He wasn’t greeted with a smile and an offer of names. He instead received a staredown. That could very well mean that Roxas _had_ told the boyfriend about him, but there wasn’t any way to be certain.

“What wines you got?”

“Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc—”

“Reds. We don’t do whites,” Vanitas snapped, with not so much as a further look in Axel’s direction. He was firmly scrutinizing the backbar.

Axel kept the growl in check. He’d served ruder patrons than this. He cast an eye onto Roxas, who was sinking down in some kind of agony. “Is there any special occasion? I could make recommendations if I know what kind of taste you were after. Perhaps an ice wine might be nice, or—”

“Are you kidding me? None of that fruity sweet crap. And I said red,” Vanitas finally acknowledged Axel’s presence with a glare.

“We have Merlot, Pinot Noir—”

“A full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon, you got that?”

Axel nodded because if he said anything, his distaste for the man might show through. He turned to Roxas, his annoyance and hurt with him forgotten in light of the unpleasantness he had just been exposed to. “And what about you, sir?” He was going to play the ‘ _I don’t know you at all_ ’ game. “What can I get you?”

Roxas looked at him with big blue eyes. The dark mascara only made them pop and shine all the brighter against light skin. Axel felt conflicted as he drank in the sight. Roxas didn’t make a half bad goth. But then Axel suspected that Roxas looked good in absolutely anything, and even in nothing at all. He tried to shut that thought down. Axel wasn’t finished being mad at the guy just yet. Though he really missed having Roxas around. Delicious painted lips parted, giving Axel all kinds of flashbacks before everything came crashing down as a harsh bark extinguished any pleasantness that might have arisen.

“He’ll have the same. Now get to it.”

Both Axel and Roxas’ head snapped towards him. “Van, please,” Roxas squeaked in a tiny, pleading voice.

Vanitas rolled his eyes. _“Please,”_ he added dryly without giving Axel the courtesy of an accompanying look.

“Coming right up,” he said stiffly. He moved away to fetch the wine and glasses.

Axel didn’t understand what was going on precisely. He knew Roxas would hate this drink, so why would his boyfriend order it for him? Clearly, the guy was a complete asshole and Roxas could do so much better, i.e. Axel.

He stole glances over at the two men as he pulled down the glasses from their hanging rack. Roxas still seemed tiny and miserable, and the boyfriend seemed like he hadn’t ever been taught how to smile.

Axel walked back over with the bottle and two glasses, placing them down on coasters before the two men and poured. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

Vanitas waved him off without a word, sliding money onto the bar, and grabbed his glass, then waited for Roxas to pick up his own.

Axel stood there blankly, really thrown off by the jerk-face’s inability to be decent.

The clink of wine glasses tapping together snapped him out of it.

“To us,” Vanitas said, eyes for no one but Roxas.

“To us,” Roxas repeated, softness in his voice.

Axel scooped up the money, turned, and walked away so he didn’t have to see the way Roxas’ eyes and smile shone for someone else. But he didn’t avert his gaze for too long. While he served others, he continued to chance glances over at the couple.

Vanitas seemed to be doing most of the talking while getting through his glass of wine. Roxas was barely touching his, giving Axel immense satisfaction for knowing Roxas better than the so-called _boyfriend_. And honestly, Axel was relieved at seeing something familiar about Roxas. The way Roxas dressed yesterday and today; hair all neat, and weird outfits – the way he spoke, meek and unsure of himself — and now the wine… well, it all kind of confused Axel. He had begun wondering who Roxas really was.

It had crossed his mind that maybe Roxas had lied about a whole bunch of things. But it didn’t sit right with him. Roxas had seemed sincere in all his dealings with Axel. Besides, Axel had made the first move on Roxas, so his fears of being used held no ground.

He opted to just keep watching Roxas from afar and wait and see whether an opportunity would present itself to talk with him. The bizarre nature of what was going on right now had chased away his annoyance and anger – with Roxas anyway. Those things had found a new home with the boyfriend.

The dislike he felt only intensified as he waited and watched. He didn’t like what he saw. For one, Roxas didn’t look happy. Sure, he smiled, but they weren’t the big ones Axel had seen when they had spent time together. He neither saw nor heard any laughs. Axel swore that Roxas had done little else besides smile and laugh when they had spent time together.

Yes, he was comparing himself and graded himself as coming out on top in this battle. He continued painting a miserable picture of their relationship. He knew he shouldn’t be, but couldn’t, and – truthfully – didn’t want to stop. Particularly when Vanitas started seemingly picking on Roxas’ outfit and appearance, straightening, tucking, and pointing.

Despite all these red flags that not all was rosy in paradise, he still witnessed horrifying kisses and less criticizing touches. He looked away every time that happened.

Axel figured he had been watching them for a little over half an hour before he found a chance to get to Roxas. Vanitas got up and left in the direction of the restrooms, so Axel, casually wiping the bar clean, meandered towards his intended target.

Roxas shrunk back from the bar a little as Axel approached, as if scared of Axel’s temper flying off the handle again. It wasn’t unfounded, but it did hurt a little.

Axel stopped before Roxas and was ready to lay out his apology when Roxas got there first, “I’m really sorry that I’m here, please don’t kick me out.” Roxas couldn’t look up. He just frowned at his fingers, which gripped the edge of the bar top with nervous anticipation.

It upset Axel and any residual annoyance with Roxas evaporated. “I didn’t mean the shit I said yesterday, Roxas. Look — I… completely overreacted.” He bowed his head and rubbed at his skull. He felt so foolish. “I was worried sick about you, which made me angry. I say and do things I don’t mean when I get properly mad.” Was it so wrong for him to want to be put first in Roxas’ life? It had been _his birthday_ after all. Just one day of the year, that’s all Axel asked for. “I’m sorry,” he finished, looking up and seeing Roxas meet his gaze.

A sigh of relief. “So, you’re not gonna kick me out?”

“No,” he shook his head.

Roxas slumped forward. “Oh, thank God.”

“Here, lemme make it up to you.” Axel quickly got a small glass of Moscato filled up and pushed it under Roxas’ nose. “You can wash the Cabernet Sauvignon outta your mouth with this.”

Roxas looked at it in skepticism but took a cautious sip. Eyes widened, and he smiled, “Oh, wow, I didn’t know that wine actually came in yum,” and proceeded to down the contents of the glass.

It was like seeing the sun come out after days of rain. _Damnit_. Axel cursed himself for getting swept up in Roxas’ joy so easily. He kind of wanted to stay mad at the guy… even a little bit, but he was way too cute. He laughed, “They do come in yum.” He turned serious again, “You’ve never had anything other than dry reds?”

“I don’t really know what that means, but if you mean anything else that didn’t taste like what we had before, then no,” Roxas shook his head.

Axel scoffed. “Why not? Doesn’t your boyfriend know what kind of drinks you like?” _Urgh_. Axel needed something strong to wash the bad taste of the _B-word_ out of his mouth.

“Ah — well, I never knew what drinks I liked either before I met you, so…” Roxas shrugged and looked down at the bar top.

“Yeah, true but shouldn’t—” Axel frowned. He didn’t want to talk about the awful _B-word_ anymore. “Can I just ask why you came in here? If you were so worried, it would have been easier to avoid the bar.” He admitted it; he was fishing for some kind of compliment to himself.

Roxas hummed for a moment in thought. “It was Van who decided to come in here.”

_Ah fuck_. What a disappointing response. And why did all roads lead back to that jerk? “Have you told him about us?” he asked tentatively. If Roxas had, that might go some way to explaining the guy’s crabby attitude towards Axel.

“No,” Roxas said quietly without looking up.

“Oh.” Well, there went _that_ explanation. Axel felt relieved at having their intense fondness for one another remain a secret, but he was also baffled and annoyed at the asshole Roxas was dating. “So, he didn’t come in here to tell me off, he’s just a jerk in general?”

Roxas frowned and glanced up at Axel. “I’m sorry he’s a bit rude. But he’s only like that to people he doesn’t know very well. He’s — really nice when you get to know him.”

Axel hoped that would never be the case. “And it’s just a coincidence that you guys came in here?” He still wanted to hear that Roxas wanted to see him again, despite all that had transpired the day before.

“Van knows I came here to see a couple of bands play, so he wanted to check it out too. Please don’t tell him we know each other,” blue eyes sparkled with concern.

Again, not what he had wanted to hear. “Lips are sealed.”

“Thank you.”

Their conversation ended. The weight of… _whatever_ it was they had been doing together — hung between them. Axel mindlessly wiped down the bar top and took away the empty glasses lining it. Roxas kept peering in the direction that Vanitas had gone.

It dug into Axel’s soul. “Well, if you need anything else, just wave me down.” He went to go clean the other side of his bar station but didn’t even get one step in before pleading words halted him.

“It’s okay if I come back here to see you, isn’t it?”

Finally, something to cheer about. “Yeah, of course.” He gave Roxas a warm smile. Axel, however, didn’t linger to appreciate the beauty of Roxas’ face lighting up, as he caught sight of the bane of his existence approaching, rather hastily.

“See ya, Roxas.” He turned away and got on with his job a bit further down the bar but stayed within earshot.

_“Huh? Ax—”_

_“That guy bothering you, Roxas?”_

_“What? No.”_

_“You sure?”_

_“Y-yeah.”_

_“Okay then. C’mon, we’re leaving this dump.”_

_“But… you said one more dance—”_

_“We’re leaving.”_

Axel cast a glance behind himself to watch Roxas be dragged off. He huffed out in irritation. Axel truly didn’t care for the boyfriend and an uncomfortable thought started taking shape, which he desperately tried to ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome, Vanitas, you damn prick, lol!


	7. Infidelity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He never liked Vanitas and the more he learns the worse his opinion of the other man becomes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm getting closer to more regular updates. Thanks everyone for sticking with this. Thanks for the comments I've been receiving. It's always so encouraging and boosts my energy and drive to get through the rough parts of this fic.
> 
> Explicit content below. Domestic violence warning in its various guises.

The week dragged on uneventfully. Axel caught no sight of Roxas, which was rather depressing and disquieting. He was restless, focusing his all into work and detesting when it was all over, because it meant being left with his thoughts. Axel wished for distraction but had no interest in hanging out at the bar after work to hook up with strange men. He just wanted one particular man. He tried to ignore his listlessness by playing video games, reading up about how to start a viable business, and practicing his mixing techniques. But all too often, eyes landed on the floor plan he had foolishly stuck onto his living room wall, right above the television.

He put it there as a reminder to keep him focused on his dream. It was the perfect encapsulation of it; owning his bar and having Roxas be a part of his life. And when the second part of that dream seemed too dim and forlorn, he looked towards his bookshelf on the left. The little pewter penguin was there, a silent custodian of a hope and prayer.

Despite these things weighing on his heart and mind, it wasn’t all sadness and misery. Axel did get himself out of the house and spent time with his friends; as per Kairi’s threatening suggestion. It went some way towards making him feel better. The real thing which got Axel’s fire going, however, occurred on Friday night —

No, Roxas was nowhere to be seen, which was precisely why it was surprising to see _the boyfriend_ come in.

Axel hardly recognized the fellow, dressed in buttoned-down dress shirt, slacks and a fitted jacket. He looked somewhere between formal and casual, and nowhere near as pissy as the last time Axel had seen him. In fact, Axel even caught a friendly smile, which made him look behind himself, just to check that it was actually aimed at him. Apparently, it had been, so he returned one full of detached courtesy.

Axel returned to work, completely perplexed.

At a later time, he caught sight of Vanitas, grinding up against someone. For a fraction of a second Axel’s heart raced, thinking Roxas was around, but on closer inspection he didn’t recognize the dancing partner.

Things went from strange to downright wrong.

Some time passed. Axel was just coming back from a quick bathroom break when he saw the man pressing someone up against a wall. Axel wouldn’t have thought anything of it if the man was shaking someone down angrily, but no! He was making out quite passionately with a person who looked like his previous dancing partner.

That left Axel reeling for the rest of the night. Was Vanitas _cheating_ on Roxas? It made Axel so angry. The thought of anyone cheating on Roxas – when the asshole was so lucky to even _have_ him in the first place. Truthfully, the irony of it all wasn’t lost on Axel. But he didn’t care about the double standard.

He wondered if things had truly gotten so bad between them that it had ended up like this. It actually suddenly excited Axel, and then he grew even more excited when he thought about the amazing idea that perhaps they had _already_ broken up. Vanitas wasn’t cheating at all – because they were no longer together!

That’s definitely what it was – and even if it were the _other_ thing, it just meant that Roxas would be free to pursue whomever he wished in due time.

Axel lost track of Vanitas, but he didn’t care. He was on cloud nine as he left work that evening.

* * *

 

Irritatingly enough, the weekend came and went without any sign of Roxas. Axel often found himself staring at Roxas’ business card and tapping it nervously against whatever surface was closest. He revisited the decision of emailing the man and decided that he would do so if he hadn’t seen Roxas in a week’s time. He’d send an email requesting a jacket with, ‘ _Will you go out with me?’_ embroidered on the back and hope Roxas would be amused and get back to him.

Axel was definitely delighted with that plan so happily slid into the work week.

On Monday Axel nearly dropped a whole bottle of Absinthe when Roxas walked in at five.

Big smiles were exchanged. Axel felt completely giddy with joy. “Hey, gorgeous! Long time!”

Roxas chuckled. “Were you counting the days?” He came to a stop before Axel.

“Absolutely. Today makes it day ten.” He leaned in close on elbows, wishing there wasn’t a barrier between them. His fingers ached to touch Roxas’ hand. It was just _there_ , idling on the bar surface.

Roxas seemed to notice Axel’s stare. Hand inched closer and one finger extended, hooking against Axel’s twitching digits.

That quiet blushing smile made Axel’s body pulsate. He reacted by squeezing Roxas’ finger into his palm. “You wanna come home with me tonight after work? I’ll cook you something good,” he said in a low and seductive tone.

The pleasant smile fell away from Roxas’ face and he leaned back a little, looking surprised.

“What?” Axel laughed lightly.

After a pause, Roxas said, “You can cook?” There was so much cheek in that question.

“Of course I can cook. Why would ya think I can’t?” The smile wouldn’t leave Axel’s face.

“Well, you’re really skinny, and I’ve seen you eat. I assumed you were starving at home half the time,” he smiled in a tight-lipped sort of a way, keeping a laugh at bay.

Axel scoffed in offense. “My looks are all genetic. I love eating and do it as well as I cook.” He leaned in closer to Roxas, voice low, smirking, “Lemme show you.”

All fun slipped from now fiercely-blushing face, as did the finger Axel was grasping. “I can’t. You know I can’t.”

Axel’s brow furrowed, creating a deep recess. “But… you’re broken up – aren’t you?” he questioned, all of a sudden not so sure of himself anymore.

Roxas returned the confused stare. “No. What gives you that idea?”

Axel straightened himself a little. “Vanitas was here last Friday, grinding and making out with some guy who definitely _wasn’t_ you.”

Roxas’ frown deepened as he let that sink in. A hoarse, _“What?”_ followed.

“Yeah. I thought you guys had broken up.”

“No – We haven’t.” Roxas took a step back from the bar.

This had turned awkward. “Well then.”

Roxas pulled arms around himself, hugging the oversized jacket against his body, and glared at Axel, and then at the floor. Eyes tentatively returned to look at Axel. “You _sure_ it was him?”

“Yeah. One-hundred percent. I walked right past him.”

Frown did not leave Roxas’ face. Eyes narrowed. “I – don’t believe you.”

That was worse than a slap in the face. “Why would I lie?” Axel spat, perhaps a little _too_ fiercely.

“We both know _exactly_ why,” Roxas took a small step back, and hugged himself tighter, looking mortally wounded.

“Roxas, I’m not lying to you. It’s what I saw.”

“No.” He shook his head. “It’s not true. Van was… at a business dinner.” The doubt in his voice was loud and clear as defiance gave way to worry.

“I’m sorry, but it’s what I saw.” Axel was being sincere. All self-interest aside, he felt bad for Roxas.

There were no words, only a bitterly upset frown. Roxas took another step back, and then another — and another.

Axel didn’t hear it so much as see lips mouthing, _‘It’s not true.’_

Roxas turned and hurriedly walked out of the bar, leaving Axel’s previously soaring heart in broken tatters on the ground.

* * *

 

It was an incredibly weird time for Axel. He was lost as to what his next course of action should be. Sleep was definitely not on the cards that night.

Video games weren’t helping. Staring at the wall wasn’t helping. It was nearly midnight, but he tried his luck.

Axel  
  
**Today** 23:47 hey Kai, u (Upwards Black Arrow ≊ Up Arrow)?  
  
23:48 Kai-Kai  
Yeah. Working on a study, but I can give you maybe like five minutes. Need a break anyway. Going cross-eyed.  
  
can I (Telephone Receiver ) u?  
  
23:49 Kai-Kai  
Is this about Roxas? (-__- )  
  
if it is will u say no 2 me (Telephone Receiver ) u?  
  
Kai-Kai  
I think you know the answer to that. But I also suspect you’ll call anyway.  
  
23:50 haha!  
  


Still lazing on his couch, he dialed her number and waited a few rings before she picked up. “Kairi, my sweetest sunshine, how are you?”

A deep sigh greeted him. _“Don’t try to butter me up. What new trouble have you gotten into this time?”_

“What? No trouble at all actually. I just need to talk to you about Roxas.”

_“Please tell me you two are legitimate now.”_

“That’s what I want to talk about—”

_“Hallelujah!”_

“Eh, ease up on the excitement there, princess.”

_“Oh, no.”_

Kairi’s tone of voice made him laugh. “Well, see, I thought we could finally get on the morally righteous high ground. Last week I saw his boyfriend at work. He was making out with some guy and Roxas was nowhere to be seen.”

_“You know what his boyfriend looks like? I thought you said Roxas had no photos—”_

“He doesn’t. They came in together like two weeks ago. Guy’s a total asshole but let me get back to the important thing.”

_“Important thing away.”_

“So, he’s making out with this guy he was grinding on all evening, and I’m left thinking that I’m finally in with a Kairi-approving shot. Roxas swung by the bar tonight and I asked him over to my place to get down and freaky with me, but in a totally smooth and cool way.”

Kairi’s laugh rang through the line.

“Shut it. It’s a true story.”

_“Mhmm, go on.”_

“Well, here’s the depressing part – Roxas was all like, ‘no, we haven’t broken up,’ which makes me the biggest dick – bringing him the bad news like that.”

_“How’d he take it?”_

“He completely denied it. Thinks I’m making shit up, and that… well, it fucking hurts. I wouldn’t stoop to something like that. Can’t believe he thinks that of me.” Axel glared up at his ceiling.

_“Can you really blame him though? Easier to believe a stranger would make up lies because he wanted to sleep with you, rather than think the guy you’ve been with for seven years is cheating on you.”_

Axel sat up abruptly, feet hitting his floor, hard. A million things went through his head. He stumbled over his own words before he got a coherent sentence out, “Seven years? And what do you mean _stranger_? We’re friends and I want an actual relationship with the guy, not just sex.”

_“Maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words, but you get what I mean, don’t you?”_

“I… guess? Look, either way I think it’s legit now. Their relationship’s in shambles. Guy’s totally cheating on Roxas.”

_“That’s real awful to hear. You don’t suppose he caught wind of you two and then—”_

“I’m not responsible for them being in a messy relationship,” he snapped.

_“You’re not exactly making things easier though.”_

Chastened he admitted, “Yeah. That’s true.” He had avoided talking about this with Kairi for a while now, which had made it easier on his conscience. That one kiss aside, they weren’t cheating. They were… boyfriends-in-the-making – perfect for one another – destined to be together. Axel got lost in the quagmire of his own mind.

_“Axel!”_

The sharpness of her voice caught his attention. “Huh, what?”

_“What do you think Roxas will do?”_

“Huh? Man wish I knew. I know what I want him to do, and what I _don’t_ want him to do. I can’t believe the guy was making out with someone. Seven years you said?”

_“Yeah. It’s a long time.”_

“It is. I can’t even imagine – besides you, I’ve never been with anyone longer than a year and a half.”

_“I thought you were with Demyx – for two years, or something like that, no?”_

“Ah – I don’t really count that. We were on again, off again for a long while there and it was never serious. More like hanging out and making out when we got bored of hanging out.” Axel never thought about it much anymore.

Kairi huffed with a light laugh _. “How’s Demyx doing now, anyway?”_

“He’s fine. Dating some bookworm. He sounds very happy. Happier than he ever was with me.”

_“You think Roxas is a good fit for you?”_

“Better fit than Dem was. I think I was into him ‘cause he’s a musician. But with Roxas…” Axel frowned at the floor and threw himself back against the couch. “I’m into him because of his sense of humor, and his amazing talents, and how cute he is.”

_“Listen to yourself.”_

Axel could hear the smile in her voice. “I really think this is different. I can see myself getting old and senile with him. I _want_ that with him.” He sighed, feeling weird and dumb for saying these thoughts out loud and for feeling such intense longing for someone else.

 _“I hope this stuff gets sorted out soon. This seems to be getting messier by the day,”_ Kairi said, caution in her voice.

Axel exhaled, and eyes traveled around his room, taking in the traces of Roxas in his life. “I really want this sorted out too.” He was almost afraid to ask, but did so anyway, “Whaddaya think I should do?”

_“Besides the obvious of getting yourself an actual, non-taken boyfriend?”_

“Yeah, besides that.”

_“Do nothing. Don’t intervene. Stay out of this and let them sort out their relationship.”_

“I guess that’s an easy enough thing to do. Even _I_ can’t fuck that up, right?”

 _“Oh, I dunno,”_ she teased.

“Thanks for the chat.”

_“Didn’t really have a choice, did I?”_

“You didn’t.”

So, Axel tried not to think about it. He waited to see what would happen next in the ever-developing-saga that was his infatuation with Roxas.

The answer appeared to be, nothing. Axel didn’t see Roxas. A week passed and there was nothing. Nothing, bar Axel’s increasing anxiety that Roxas was mad at him. He kept looking at the business card and tapping it. He kept searching for signs of Roxas at the bar.

It was a Thursday evening when Axel saw, not Roxas, but _the boyfriend_. He was, once again, dressed pretty casually. They made eye contact and the weird friendly demeanor was still on display. Instead of heading deeper into the bowels of the bar the embodiment-of-scum moved in Axel’s direction.

“Hi, Axel.” The man leaned against the bar.

The night was getting freakishly weird. “Hello,” he returned politely. “What can I get you?”

“Campari on the rocks, thanks.”

Eyebrow cocked involuntarily. “No wine today?” He made for a glass.

“Branching out.” Vanitas turned to face the room while resting elbow on the bar.

Axel contemplated spitting in the man’s glass as he poured the liquid over ice. Sadly, he was too professional for something like that. He placed the glass on a coaster before the man, took the cash and wanted nothing more than to leave and tend to other patrons, but Axel couldn’t get away because Vanitas, with glass swirling in hand, and a casual glance towards him, uttered, “You wanna get a drink after you’re done here?”

Axel threw a disbelieving look at the man. “Don’t you have a _boyfriend_?” he said pointedly, hoping to evoke some kind of a shame response in the other man.

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” He winked and leaned over the bar towards Axel. “So how ‘bout it?”

Axel wanted to hurt him so bad. Open mouth was clenched shut and rage swallowed down. “No, sorry,” he almost growled.

“Shame.” The guy had the audacity to look Axel up and down before he pushed off the bar and headed out into the crowd with a, “See ya.”

Axel was so pissed off. He was almost boiling over with an immense desire to shake the two-timing worm and throttle him. He huffed and kept a watchful eye on the snake of a man, desperate to catch signs of impropriety so he could capture some proof of infidelity.

Roxas needed to know. He deserved to know. Even if it made him mad at Axel – even if it meant Roxas calling off their friendship; Axel needed to prove that he wasn’t a liar. The thought of Roxas thinking so poorly of him was too much to bear.

He didn’t have to wait too long for the scumbag to do his dastardly deed. Axel took note of how the guy flirted with several people, if the touches and whispers-in-ears was anything to go by. Then the dancing and grinding started again. Axel felt furious, thinking of Roxas sitting at home, waiting for this beast to come back to him. Axel would never do that to Roxas.

Driven by rage, he launched into action. Finding someone to briefly take over for him, he went out onto the floor, clutching his phone.

Maybe Axel wasn’t so good at doing _nothing at all_ , after all. He wandered upstairs, to get a better vantage point for his evidence gathering.

His phone wasn’t that great, but he hoped it would be good enough to convince Roxas. And if those wide, aerial shots weren’t going to work out, then Axel had one lucky - or not so lucky, in Roxas’ case - closeup he managed to snap on his way back to his post, while Vanitas was preoccupied sucking-face in the middle of the dance floor.

Now all Axel needed was for Roxas to miraculously show up. And if Roxas didn’t, then Axel might need to send an email with a few attachments, stating he would like those printed onto some fabric. But that would truly be a last resort maneuver.

* * *

 

Days and days passed and there was still no sign of Roxas. When he had a moment alone with Kairi on his days off, he showed her the photographs, as if it would vindicate him.

She hadn’t given him the response he had half-hoped for. Instead of deep shock — an apology for ever doubting him — or a declaration that he should stop wasting her time and be with Roxas already, Axel had been met with a rather mediocre, “ _Well, that sucks,_ ” and nothing more helpful or supportive than that.

Hurting, Axel told her that this was exactly why they were no longer dating. Never mind the _being gay_ bit. It was definitely her unsupportiveness at fault.

He stewed a few more days, glaring deathly daggers at the photos in his phone, and somehow hoping to discover voodoo-like properties within this action, so he could inflict pain on the snake.

Axel didn’t suppose he had any such luck really.

Luck did return, however, come Saturday, when two goths entered the bar.

Axel ached for a chance to get to Roxas in private. He tried to use his latent mind-powers to get Roxas’ attention, but for whatever reason Roxas was firmly refusing to look Axel’s way.

Opportunity finally seemed to strike when Roxas moved away from his despicable keeper and towards the restrooms. Axel begged Morrise to watch his half of the bar for a few minutes and waited in the narrow corridor which led to, and housed, the restrooms.

He felt nervous waiting for Roxas to come out. He had missed him so much and was worried that he might fling himself at the other man. But the biggest concern was that Roxas would hate him and refuse to acknowledge him.

He rehearsed what he would say in his head. He rehearsed many different options. Phone was in his hand, photo gallery open and waiting. Hand twitched and toes tapped the ground in anxious anticipation.

The door swung open for the third time, causing Axel’s heart-rate to spike. It wasn’t a false alarm this time.

“Roxas.”

Axel received a startled look, an agape mouth and then a stern frown. But that was all he got before Roxas withdrew his eyes and walked towards him – but not to embrace him, if his body language was anything to go by. No – Roxas was headed towards the dance floor, which was to Axel’s back.

Every smooth and suave rehearsed line of dialogue fell out of Axel’s head. “Rox, c’mon. I need to show you something.” He stretched his arm out, blocking the hallway and Roxas’ path.

Roxas glared and Axel thrust the phone in his face with his other hand. “Proof that I’m not lying to you.”

Squinting, Roxas took the phone and examined the photos. Axel swiped left to show the rest of them, and with each photograph Roxas’ furrowed brow eased up and his mouth slowly fell open. Axel gently pulled Roxas against the wall next to himself, to allow people to pass. Roxas didn’t protest, too focused on examining and re-examining the photos.

The music, though somewhat quieter in the corridor, was still thumping and Axel almost missed the quiet question of, “When was this?”

“Oh, about a week ago, Thursday, I think.” Though Axel could have given the exact date and time but didn’t want to come across as fanatic.

Roxas returned the phone and stared at the floor, drawing arms in around himself.

Axel by now knew what Roxas looked like when he was feeling uncomfortable and withdrawn. “I’m sorry, but you believe me now, don’t you?”

Roxas looked up, bottom lip drawn in, eyes shimmering. “Why would you show me this?”

“I can’t stand having you be angry at me,” he muttered.

“So, you think it’s okay to make me angry at my boyfriend instead?” Roxas asked, voice slightly hoarse.

“Eh, yeah. I think you have more of a reason to be mad at him than me.”

Face hardened into an angry frown. “You’re such an idiot, Axel. None of this,” he pointed at the phone, “would be happening if this had never happened,” open hand waved between the two of them.

Axel felt outrage boiling inside. He also waved his hand in the space between them, “This would never have happened if _you_ were in paradise with your boyfriend.”

“Bullshit. You—” Angry glare dropped, and Roxas looked lost for words.

“I _what_ , Roxas?” Axel asked, the grumpiness he felt on full show.

“You…” Again, silence fell.

“I never forced myself on you. I was nothing but nice to you.”

Roxas looked away again, hugging himself tighter.

Niggling suspicion made him question, “Is that the issue? I’m _nice_ to you?”

Roxas found his voice again, “You’re not being very nice right now,” he squeaked and looked upset.

The realization hit Axel square in the chest. “Is that really it?”

Roxas fell silent again, and it made Axel uncomfortable. “If Vanitas… if you’re unhappy in your relationship you should leave him, Roxas,” he said softly.

“I _am_ happy.” It sounded more like a plea and desperate wish.

Axel sucked on his lips a little before finding words. “I’m sorry but I don’t know how I’m supposed to believe that. Given our history together… well. I never pushed you to do anything with me, and you don’t strike me as someone who’d throw away a perfectly happy seven-year relationship.”

 _That_ seemed to shake Roxas. He looked away and quietly spoke, “You don’t know me. You don’t know how awful I am. I wreck things. I’m no good.”

“What?” Had he heard right? “No, you’re not _any_ of those things. Where’re you getting this from? I _do_ know you. You’re a good guy, Rox. I’d stake my life on it.” Axel put his hand on Roxas’ shoulder. The other man flinched at the contact.

“Then why did I do the things I did with you? Why’m I cheating on Vanitas with you?”

Axel’s mind drew a blank. “Because… I’m _nice_?” Axel hated the implications of that statement. He hated to think what Roxas’ relationship must be like to force him into such a position to begin with. And he hated how much Roxas winced when he said that. He wanted to make things better. “You know we’re not really… we’re just friends. We already talked about this.”

“I can’t believe that _friends_ line anymore.” Roxas looked back at Axel, forlorn and heartbroken.

“Why are you putting this all on us? We’re not the ones blatantly making out with random strangers to get our kicks.”

“Then what’re we doing?”

That was easily answered – for himself at least. “With us… it’s different. We care about each other… don’t we?”

“Do we?” It was said with cold derision.

Axel swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn’t help himself. He reached out and cupped Roxas’ face with a hand. “I do.”

They stared into each other’s eyes. Roxas looked fragile and let out a shaking sigh, before he leaned into Axel’s touch. “I do too,” he breathed out softly as eyes slid shut.

Axel wanted to kiss him, hold him, put him back together. “Roxas—”

Axel’s gentle intonation was drowned out by a harsh cry of anger, _“Roxas! What the fuck is going on here?”_

Eyes flew open, a giant step was taken back. “I… I—”

Elbow dug into Axel’s chest as Vanitas pushed him away from Roxas. “You _what_ , Roxas?”

“I—” blue eyes were filled with panic as he kept backing up.

“Hey, give the guy some space!” Axel stepped around Vanitas, who was corralling Roxas into a corner. He managed to get between them; Roxas right at his back, and Vanitas only a few steps in front of himself.

“That’s _my_ _boyfriend_ you’re feeling up there.”

Axel would have loved to throw some choice words out about Vanitas feeling up all kinds of other men who _weren’t_ his boyfriend, but he didn’t. He had done enough conflict resolutions in this job to know better than to inflame a situation. He really hoped Roxas would play along as he said, “My duty as a staff member is to look after our patrons. I was informed that someone wasn’t feeling too well in the restrooms, so I came checking to make sure he was all right.”

“Why wouldn’t you be all right?” Vanitas barked, head craned to the side so he could throw daggered glares at Roxas.

Not missing a beat, Roxas gave a meek squeak, “I don’t know. I’m just not feeling too good, Van.”

A distraught look came over Vanitas’ face. It was the _only_ thing that made Axel let himself be pushed aside as Vanitas came closer to be at Roxas’ side. “If you’re not feeling well you come to me, Roxas. No one else.” His hand went to Roxas’ forehead where he was feeling his temperature, while the other rested on wrist, feeling for a pulse.

Roxas really didn’t look too well right now, Axel thought.

“You’re all clammy. I’m taking you home,” Vanitas said, somewhere between care and gruff command. He yanked Roxas as he pushed past Axel without another word.

Axel watched Roxas disappear down the corridor, with only the briefest of hopeless looks exchanged between the two of them.

* * *

 

Axel had called Kairi as soon as he left work that evening, vision of Roxas being dragged out burned into his retinas.

He probably sounded a bit manic as he recounted the events that had unfolded hours earlier, but he didn’t care. He needed to get it out, or he knew he’d never get to sleep. But after he finished he still felt rage bottled up inside.

“I’m gonna murder the guy, Kairi. I’m gonna kill him and cut him into pieces and pickle him in grape juice and make wine out of him. It’s gonna be the most foul-tasting wine in existence, and no one’ll want to drink it, or sniff it, or even let it touch their tongue, that’s how bad it’ll be, because a guy like that has no good inside and everyone in the world will know it,” he fumed as he entered his apartment, tossing keys in bowl on dining table and kicking off shoes.

 _“Calm down. Yeah, it kind f sounds bad but it can’t really be all that bad, right? We both know Roxas. I can’t imagine him falling for a complete asshole - I mean, he is cheating on the guy with you, so we know he goes for at least partial assholes, but,”_ she giggled.

Axel sent a gruff growl down the line. “Not funny, Kairi.”

_“Ugh, someone’s left their funny bone at the door.”_

“It’s not funny. It’s entering the realm of life-and-death seriousness.” He paced around his living room furiously.

_“Wow, you’re being a drama queen. How about you take a chill pill. Yeah, he sounds a bit overbearing but—”_

“Have you been _listening_ to me? He’s completely controlling. I bet he’s also the reason why Roxas doesn’t believe in himself. He’s so amazing but doesn’t even see it.” Axel roared out his frustration a little but making sure to not pierce Kairi’s ear. “I swear if that human-trash-heap lays a finger on Roxas—”

_“Yeah, yeah, you’ll cut him up into little pieces. You already let your distaste for the guy be known. Maybe you caught him on a bad day. There’s no need to be all paranoid.”_

He stopped dead in his tracks. “Paranoid? _Paranoid_?” Axel almost screeched. “You know who I’ve heard that from before? Do _you? Xion_. She used to tell me that it was nothing to worry about. Ben was ‘just having a bad day – he wasn’t usually like that – Axel, you’re making stuff up – you’re just seeing the worst in people – you’re being _paranoid’,”_ he spat, tears stinging eyes. “No, Kairi. I’m not. I fucking _wish_ I had been.”

She was quiet on the other side of the line.

Axel’s breath was labored. He looked at his wall – at his bookcase – tears blurred his vision. “You weren’t there to see it, to experience it. It destroyed her so slowly that she didn’t even notice. So, excuse me for caring about someone else. I fucking _pray_ that I’m being paranoid. Do you think I _want_ to be right? Of course not. I’m not a sicko.”

 _“I’m sorry,”_ Kairi’s small voice crackled down the line.

He gave one final grunt of frustration and then sighed, calming down. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just… want you to take me seriously.”

_“Yeah, I understand. Sorry for being so flippant about it. What happened to Xion was a tragedy. I know she was important to you.”_

“She was my best friend.” Axel sank down on his couch and vigorously rubbed his free hand through his hair. “If Roxas is even going through a _fraction_ of what she went through – I don’t know what I’d do.”

Kairi hummed _. “I hope he’s okay.”_

“Me too, Kai-Kai.” His heart felt so heavy.

_“You gonna be okay?”_

“Yeah. I’m not the one we should be worried about.”

Kairi hummed through the line. _“They’ve been together for so long and nothing’s ever happened—”_

“That we know of.” Axel groaned. “It doesn’t matter. People like Vanitas – like Ben – ticking time bombs.”

Both sighed.

_“Well, there’s nothing you can do.”_

“Yeah.”

_“Get some sleep. You might be worrying about nothing.”_

“Yeah, I hope so. Thanks. Night Kai.”

_“Night, Ax.”_

Axel dropped back on his couch and felt spent. The thought that had been niggling away at him for weeks now was no longer suppressible. He really hoped he was wrong. He would love nothing more in the world than to be proven wrong. He _needed_ to be wrong. He needed to see Roxas.

“God, please let Roxas be all right,” he breathed out.

* * *

 

The way home was uncomfortable and silent. As sweet as the hand-holding and thumb-rubbing-reassuringly-against-his-skin was, it did nothing to ease the dread welling up inside. Roxas knew what was going to happen once they got home; Vanitas’ promise of hot tea and warm blankets were good as gold, but so was the unspoken promise of a massive earlashing – if not worse, because they had been here before; a million times.

As much as he wasn’t in any rush to get home, Roxas couldn’t drag his feet. Tardiness and an inability to keep up would only add more fuel to the fire, so he kept pace as they hurried off the bus, down the fairly busy main road, then along a quieter side street, into their building and up the flight of stairs – as Vanitas didn’t believe in taking the elevator up to their apartment.

Door opened and shut.

“What the fuck was that, Roxas?” Vanitas blasted once they were safe inside their two-bedroom apartment.

“He was just—”

“Why the fuck was he touching you? You’re only mine to touch.” Vanitas grabbed Roxas’ wrist as proof of concept.

Roxas moved away, jerking his wrist out of Vanitas’ hold. Cheshire was meowing and running figure eights between Roxas’ legs. He picked her up and moved from the entrance hallway into their spacious open-plan apartment beyond. He popped Cheshire down into the number two bedroom, which served as Roxas’ workspace, and closed the door behind her to keep her safe.

“Do we have to do this? You already know I’m not feeling too well.” Roxas was so tired of this – exhausted really. The last two weeks had been a relatively peaceful period and Roxas wished it could have lasted for longer. He tried to think of some way to defuse the anger-bomb that was Vanitas as he turned back towards the room, and towards glowering, hands-on-hips Vanitas.

Vanitas ignored Roxas as he started off on his angry accusations, “Do you know who that ginger freak was?”

Roxas felt even more unwell. He couldn’t lie to Vanitas, but telling the truth was equally as painful. “Ah—”

“Don’t play at being as dumb as you look, Roxas.”

He hung his head and mumbled, “Axel.”

“Yeah. Dear, _sweet,_ bartender Axel. What makes it his business to be checking up on you away from the bar?” Vanitas’ heightened tone always made Roxas’ hairs stand on end.

“A—”

“You know he’s gay?” came the accusation.

“I—”

“Of course you know he’s gay. Dear, sweet, _gay_ , bartender Axel, checking up on my supposedly sick, sweet, _devoted_ , gay boyfriend. What were you _really_ doing there, Roxas? Did you let him get his mouth on you?” Vanitas’ voice kept rising.

Guts knotted. “No, I don’t know him—”

“Don’t lie. I know you two are chummy,” he snapped.

Heart hammered with growing panic. Vanitas always _knew_ things. Roxas didn’t know how. “What? No. We—”

“What did you two talk about?” Vanitas pressed, taking menacing steps closer towards Roxas with each accusatory question.

The photos flashed before Roxas’ mind. Why was this his fault? Why was him being cared for by another human being an issue when Vanitas was being just as bad as Roxas? Upset outrage took hold. “He was telling me about _you_ going there to make out with guys.”

“And you believe him?” Well-groomed eyebrow cocked.

“I—there were photos.”

Vanitas looked at him for a moment unfazed and almost bored. His chest rose sharply and then, “So my secret’s out.”

Cold dread dumped on Roxas, causing everything to tense. Despite the proof, he wanted Vanitas to deny it all. He _needed_ Vanitas to deny it all.

That first time Axel had confronted him with the idea of Vanitas cheating had made him feel so bad. He hadn’t wanted to believe Axel, because the truth of Vanitas being with someone else put his own actions in such stark relief. He had felt like a hypocrite and it made him re-examine his own poor choices. It had been the catalyst for Roxas to try and actually change. He knew their relationship wasn’t great. It had been deteriorating over the years but the thought of Vanitas stooping down to Roxas’ level had made him want to change and be better – for the both of them. So, he had worked on staying as far away from the bar as possible. Had tried to be nothing but the loving, affectionate, and devoted boyfriend that he knew Vanitas wanted and deserved. So why, after all the effort, had Vanitas — It hurt so bad. “Why did you—”

“Why did I what, Roxas? Say it.” Head cocked menacingly to the side.

“Why did you make out with—”

“Call it for what it is, for fuck's sake,” Vanitas raged in frustration, hands on hips.

“Why did you _cheat_ on me?” Roxas rasped. The word felt thick in his throat and heavy on his heart.

Head tilted the other way. Anger continued to contort an otherwise beautiful face. “It doesn’t feel nice, _does it_ , Roxas. To know that the man you are head-over-heels in love with could throw you aside so easily, huh.”

The accusation was there. The guilt trip was blatant. The angry hurt evident. The pressure of tears sat behind Roxas’ eyes. “Why—”

“It felt good, Roxas. That’s why. You’ve been distant and cold. I think moving us here was a big mistake. Letting you do your own thing for two weeks was a mistake. I can’t trust you to keep me close to your heart if I’m not constantly in your face.”

Roxas knew it was all his fault. He was never good enough for Vanitas. He’d have to try harder – be even more thorough – more in-tune, be better at anticipating Vanitas’ needs. He could do it, he knew he could try harder. “No, I love you, you know that.”

“Do I? When was the last time you’ve proven your love to me?” Hands fell to his side, and he began tugging at his belt buckle, closing the distance between them.

Roxas swallowed the thick lump in his throat and sunk to his knees. “I love you, Van. Please, let me show you how much,” he pleaded. He could make this better, he knew he could. It always worked before, so why would it be different now?

His boyfriend’s crotch was pushed into his face and Roxas undid pants the rest of the way. He pushed fabric down, exposing Vanitas’ dark hairs and flaccid penis. Roxas remembered the days when sex had been erotic, sensual, and intensely satisfying. They both used to have raging erections for one another, but seven years into the future and this was what sex had become. Could Roxas blame Vanitas for looking elsewhere to get some excitement? No.

He cupped Vanitas’ sac, running fingers between the two halves, gently massaging in an attempt to bring the soft flesh to life, even a little.

“Lick me,” was the flat demand from above.

Roxas smiled up at his partner but saw nothing but a bored expression on his face. Smile dropped, and he pushed tongue to the tip of Vanitas’ penis, and licked over the top of the shaft and to the base, leaving small kisses in hair and on skin. He continued licking and kissing until the penis was imbued with some life. Vanitas let Roxas do all the work. Whenever Roxas hazarded a cautious look up, he was met with scrutinizing cold eyes. It made him shiver. He wanted Vanitas to forgive him, to love him, to be warm towards him, like on the bus.

Roxas lapped at Vanitas’ now-beading-with-pre-come head. He worked his hands over taut abdomen and down towards thighs, pushing clothes down as he moved. Vanitas made no sound, but that was nothing unusual. He began pushing the head of his ever-engorging erection into Roxas’ mouth, whenever Roxas opened up wide enough to let it happen.

The thrusts were shallow and playful, coaxing Roxas to open up wider. Roxas resisted for a while, letting his teeth scrape against flesh. Hands felt around Vanitas’ lower body, traveling around to the smooth flesh of his backside, where he rubbed a little at cheeks.

Roxas always had a fantasy of pushing inside of Vanitas. With his fingers, tongue, penis. But that was to be forever relegated to the realm of fanciful daydreams since Vanitas loathed the idea of having anything enter him. Sadly, that was also extended to anything other than food, drink, or tongue entering his mouth. So Roxas knew he’d be left high and dry after he showed his love for Vanitas tonight. But it was fine, and he deserved it for being so neglectful of the man he loved.

Roxas opened his mouth wide, letting the now much-thicker, hotter, and firmer flesh inside. Vanitas buried himself deeply in Roxas’ mouth, a sigh escaping stoic lips. A slight flutter tickled Roxas’ stomach lining. He ventured a look up in hopes of catching some joy on his boyfriend’s face. But all he could see was head raised up to the ceiling.

Fingers stroked, rubbed, and caressed at flesh. He sucked, and when Vanitas was deep down he hummed, letting the vibrations bring more ecstasy to his love. Roxas kept up a good, steady pace, not rushing his partner and also giving himself a break. Giving head was nothing to complain about. Roxas found it nice to be in charge for once. It was a pleasant change from being relentlessly ridden by Vanitas, who just jackhammered into him for what sometimes seemed like hours on end. Especially recently.

After Axel had brought up the idea of Vanitas cheating on him, Roxas had felt overcome with guilt and grief. He had stayed home dutifully so he could dote on Vanitas’ every whim, without the distracting thought of red hair and green eyes occupying a good portion of his mind.

A warmth spread through Roxas suddenly. A smile played on lips as he moved on and off his boyfriend’s erection. Roxas let his eyes drift shut as his thoughts and memories lingered on the warm tingle which Axel left inside his body. It was so easily brought on with only a friendly smile and soft eyes. He wondered what Axel must taste like – sound like – feel like.

Roxas hummed and sucked harder. Axel’s hand in his hair was always so loving. He could swear his heart skipped a beat every time fingers curled around his bangs and gently tugged. His mind slipped to the treasured memory of their kiss up on the roof. His body remembered the feeling. He wished he had gone down on Axel; undoing that leaving-nothing-to-your-imagination shirt, licking his gorgeous skin, all the way down to that hot, pressing erection, which was full of need and desire for nobody else but Roxas.

He imagined popping button open, undoing fly – slowly, so slowly. Teasing Axel. Listening to him whine and pant impatiently. Yes, Roxas would teach him about patience by running fingertips through coarse hair, and slowly around his sac, before pressing at skin around the base of his probably ludicrously long penis. And then he’d breathe moist air against Axel’s tip, making the man buck and mewl, before finally being gracious enough to slip Axel’s penis into his mouth, one slow inch after painfully slow inch.

Roxas moaned at the thought of sucking Axel off. In the end, he would get Axel begging to finally release him. Roxas would pick up the pace – like this. He’d hold his tongue more rigid to give better friction, suck harder, harder, _harder_ , because fuck, Axel would taste _so_ good. Firm but gentle hands would be curled into Roxas’ hair, holding on for dear life, and then—

Hot liquid filled his mouth. Roxas’ eyes sprang open in surprise and he struggled to keep up as he swallowed down the thick, salty fluid.

He was pulled back to reality. Cold hardwood flooring was causing an ache in his knees. Strange, strangled panting filled Roxas’ ears. He looked up, disoriented. It was Vanitas, finally looking down at him, bliss on his face. There was the man Roxas loved. Soft, happy, and a little bit shy.

He kept swallowing and holding his lover for support as the aftershocks ravaged him. Roxas let the flaccid penis slide from his mouth, smiling up at his beloved. But as soon as the contact ceased, the man he recognized vanished, leaving only a husk behind.

Vanitas cleared his throat, and straightened up, tucking himself back in. “I don’t want you going back to that bar without my knowledge or consent, Roxas.”

Heart sank, stomach knotted. He sat back on his haunches, taking the pressure off knees, and wiped at corners of his mouth with fingers. He was so tired of all these commands. He missed his old Vanitas. “What makes you think I have any interest in going there without you?”

The clap rang through the air. Roxas’ cheek stung with heat and he looked up at Vanitas, frozen with shock. Despite the ringing in his ear, Roxas still heard it, “Don’t go back there, Roxas. Don’t break my heart again.”

Tears spilled from Vanitas and as they landed and spattered on Roxas’ face, he felt his heart break for his boyfriend. Of course he would abide. He couldn’t bear to see the waterworks and fragility show through.

“I’m sorry, Van. Please don’t cry. I’ll do anything for you.” He pawed at Vanitas’ shirt.

“You’re such a good boy, Roxas. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” The last of the tears fell and Vanitas looked completely untouched by sadness once more, other than the glistening trail of moisture left on cheeks.

Roxas breathed a sigh of relief.

Hand went under his chin, raising his head.

“Up you get. Let’s get you over to the sofa. Go make yourself a nice bed over there while I make you some tea.”

“Huh? I don’t get to sleep in the bed?” He gave a discouraged look over to the little sofa.

“After you make me so upset by talking back to me I don’t think you deserve to sleep in the bed, do you?”

What had Roxas been thinking? He had been too caught up in lost memories, feelings and thoughts. He had forgotten his place in the present. “No, yeah, you’re right. Of course I don’t. I’ll be back in the bedroom tomorrow night though, right?”

“Depends. Give me another blow job like that last one and I might let you back in,” he winked.

Roxas blushed and nodded. He felt ashamed for where his mind had wandered while he had done that. “Okay.” He rose to his feet and went to fetch spare sheets and blankets for the sofa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song from the playlist-  
> [Put Your Money On Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHC6I7v-1Pc) \- by Arcade Fire.
> 
> Also I'm using emoji's in the text messages. Let me know if they don't work for you. I know it's a bit tricky and dependent on the browser and the individual computer/phone being used to view the story. I did put descriptions which will hopefully show up if the emoji's don't work.
> 
> But let me know if something's not working right. Not that I can change too much but I'll see if I can fix anything, or maybe I'll just scrap the emoji's.
> 
> I used this [ guide ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/chapters/14729722)to make the text messages. Check it out if you want to do the same in your own fics :)


	8. An Ache and A Blemish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Axel should have been careful what he wished for as he finally gets some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but here - please take this 10k chapter as a peace offering.
> 
> Possible trigger warning for readers who've experienced violence and abusive relationships. Please note that this warning is in play for the next several chapters, so just look after yourselves.

It was driving Axel crazy. Days passed. Weeks passed. There was no sign of Roxas after he had been dragged out of the bar by that despicable thing that Roxas had referred to as _the boyfriend_.

Axel’s worry only grew and grew. The longing and pain in his chest expanded. He found himself staring like a lovelorn loser at the photo of Roxas wearing the silly hat. The more he looked at it, the more regret he accumulated around not having a photograph of them together – until it dawned on him that such a thing _did,_ in fact, exist. So, he went and relieved The Kingdom of what was rightfully his and Roxas’ property. It gave him something positive to do on his day off, instead of obsessively watching the news like never before, terrified of seeing that gorgeous face flash up in some horrid story.

But then he just obsessively stared at the photograph before he went to bed at night, which did nothing to ease his tossing and turning, of which he did a lot. He also didn’t get any reprieve from his concerns whilst at work. His heart raced every time he caught sight of blond hair at the bar.

To help keep himself marginally saner, Axel moved the photograph of them together to his work locker. The logic behind it was that he only stared at it pathetically for short amounts of time, instead of losing sleep over it at home.

Another lame thing he did was write half a dozen emails to Roxas, almost daily, but deleted every one of them. It was therapeutic in a way – getting his anxieties, worries, and hopes out of his head. He never dared to send a single one though, no matter how tempting it was. He couldn’t afford to get Roxas into trouble, and judging by Roxas’ past behavior, there was a high possibility his jailor read and monitored all emails and probably even phone calls.

On good days, that thought made Axel so angry. On bad days, it consumed him.

Axel tried to be as professional as possible and not let his personal worries impact his job performance. Each day was the same. Wake up, fret, go to work, pour, clean, fret, pour, chat, clean, pour, fret, go home, fret some more.

Axel was somewhere in between fretting and pouring when he caught sight of a new patron sitting down on a stool at the far corner of the bar. He cleaned things that needed cleaning as he wandered over but dropped his cloth when he was close enough to see big blue eyes staring at him from underneath a baseball cap, and only a few blond strands sticking out here and there.

Could it be? This guy looked rather unremarkable. No cool, custom clothes, not even goth, or excessively bland clothes. Just a long-sleeved, plain green t-shirt, with a black-and-white checkered breast pocket sewn on, and thick matching checkered bracelets on both wrists. If it _was_ him, he was hardly recognizable, bar that chain around his neck, those beautiful eyes, and lips and… who was Axel even kidding? Of course it was him! The relief was unbelievable. The knot in his gut finally untangled.

“Roxas!” He rushed over the rest of the way, hands slamming against the bar top. He looked his friend up and down, making sure all limbs were still intact. Everything seemed to be there that needed to be there.

The tight-lipped smile gave way to a brittle, “Hi, Axel.” Eyes shimmered, body slightly trembled.

It really _was_ Roxas! That voice! Axel wanted to hear nothing but that voice in his ear, feel those hands on his body, Roxas’ breath on his neck, feel soft lips on his own. But most of all, he wanted to talk to him. “Roxas.” He couldn’t bring himself to stop smiling. “Where have you been? I’ve missed you! Is everything all right? Can you stay long? I want to talk to you,” he fired in rapid succession.

Roxas at first looked stunned, but then laughed softly. Face scrunched up slightly with what looked like a pained smile. “Yeah, I’ve got time.” The small smile broadened and turned a bit happier.

There was something amiss. To Axel, Roxas didn’t look or feel quite like himself. He could hardly blame the guy though. Something had definitely happened to turn Roxas’ fun and carefree attitude so mellow. “Lemme just – I’ve still got an hour left of work but lemme—”

“Oh, no. It’s okay. I’ll wait until you finish.”

“No. No, we’re gonna hang out right now… well, maybe give me five minutes. Don’t go anywhere, just hang on.” Axel wanted to drown in that soft chuckle which followed.

“Okay, I’ll be here,” Roxas gave a sharp nod, smile dancing on his lips, but his eyes still looked rather wet.

Axel hurried, looking for someone to take over for him. He saw Karina, chatting to some of her friends, and waved at her until he was noticed.

“Karina, Karry, gorgeous lady!” he shouted as she approached.

A slight frown extinguished the smile. “What do you need, Axel?”

“I need to go; can you take over for me?”

Her eyebrow cocked. “I’m not rostered on for today.”

He clapped his hands together above his bowed head. “Please, please, _please_.”

“I dun wanna.” She folded arms across her chest in defiance.

Axel pressed his lips together. He cast a look back at Roxas who sat with head bowed, fingering the bar top. Axel couldn’t waste any time. “I’ll give you half my pay. C’mon. I’ve only got an hour left on the clock. Easy money.”

Karina looked back at her friends. “Well, okay. I’m all up for easy money.”

“Ahh! Thank you!” Axel reached over the bar, pulling Karina close, leaving a sloppy kiss on her forehead. “Thank you, thank you!”

“Gross,” she laughed and rubbed her forearm against the spot of the offensive contact.

Axel got out from behind the bar, zipped past Roxas, letting him know he was getting changed – and then went and did precisely that. He was in such a rush that he put his jeans on backwards, wasting precious time taking them back off and putting them on the right way around. He pulled on his trusty jacket as he headed back out into the bar, heart pounding – and not just from the exertion of hurrying.

Roxas was still there _. Good_ , it hadn’t all been a hallucination brought on by excessive worry. His hand pressed against Roxas’ back as he made to sit down next to him. “Hey, I’m all done now. We can spend as much time together as you want. I’m all yours.”

Roxas’ expression spoke of a fragile eagerness as he nodded. He definitely looked happy, but his eyes were still glassy, shimmering as the light around them shifted with the hustle and bustle of people moving about.

“You all right?” Axel still kept his hand pressed to Roxas’ back, fearing that losing contact would also mean losing Roxas.

“Yeah, totally,” Roxas reassured with a brittle smile.

Axel didn’t want to go snooping into Roxas’ personal life… just yet. He wanted to enjoy being with Roxas, for at least a little while before he went digging for answers. He tried at casual banter… and, well, maybe a _little_ bit of prying, “I haven’t seen you in three weeks, been busy?”

“Mm. Working on things.”

“Clothes?”

“Yeah,” Roxas nodded, not giving Axel the long eye contact he craved.

Axel didn’t appreciate the stilted banter. He decided to talk about something he hated. “How’s Vanitas? He here tonight?” Axel looked around, wondering if the man would spring up out of nowhere and take Roxas away once more.

“No.” Roxas’ voice scratched as he spoke, “He’s on a business trip. He’ll be back by the weekend.” Hands were wrung slightly in his lap, and his smile lacked energy.

Axel stopped rubbing Roxas’ back and gently placed his hand atop of Roxas’, squeezing reassuringly. “Are you sure everything’s all right? I’ve been worried sick about you – after what happened last time I saw you. Vanitas seemed really mad.”

Roxas looked up from Axel’s supportive hand-holding. There was a pang-inducing redness to his face, and deep quiet in his voice, “Yeah. Everything’s fine. Please stop asking.”

Axel worried at his lips. He probably needed to stop pushing but— “Okay. You just don’t seem yourself tonight, that’s all. Or maybe I’m just imagining things ‘cause I haven’t seen you in a while?”

“No, everything’s okay. I’ve just got things on my mind.”

“Anything I can help with?”

Roxas opened his mouth slowly, inhaling as if to say something – but abruptly shut down. Roxas seemingly deflated and his eyes glazed over into a far-away stare. Before too long, Roxas clenched his jaw, like he was struggling to hold something in. “No.”

“You sure?” Axel got out barely above a soft exhale.

Roxas huffed, punctuating his irritation with the line of questioning. “Yeah, I’m sure. Can we go play some pool? I’m aching to beat you again.” He gave a tiny smile.

Axel gave a brash laugh. “Oh, it’s on!” But on the inside, he was beginning to knot up again with worry. He was going to give Roxas this one, until he relaxed enough to seem open to talking.

He led the way to the stairs and they ascended in silence. At the top they surveyed the area, looking for an unoccupied table. There was one game which looked to be finishing up shortly, so they hung around and waited. In that time, Axel kept a watch over Roxas. The man looked nervous, pulling his cap down, wrapping his arms around himself, and glancing about as if fearing a monster would jump out at him. Axel resisted asking if everything was okay. It wouldn’t net him a different response.

“Done anything fun lately?” he ventured to fill the space between them.

Roxas shook his head.

“Yeah, me neither. Though I did eat this almost face-melting pot of ramen last week. My sinuses have never been clearer.” He glanced down at Roxas, who looked back and smiled a little. “You like ramen?” he asked, wanting to get something of substance out of the other man.

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I’ll take you there one day. You gotta experience it. It’s wild.”

Axel received an incredibly pained smile and a quiet, “Yeah, maybe.”

He wanted to embrace Roxas and never let go, so he thought it was better to not do that. Instead, he left Roxas’ side to set the table which just freed up, and when he was done with that, returned to Roxas and took the cue stick held out to him. “What’re the stakes this time, oh glorious Pool Master?” he asked of the other man but go no response. “Oh pool master,” he tried again. All he saw was that same faraway stare. Axel moved closer until he was right next to him. “Roxas,” he said quietly.

“Huh?”

“The stakes?” He gave him a small, encouraging smile.

Suddenly, animated energy coursed through Roxas’ body and voice, “Oh, um, we’re gonna battle for honor, glory, and bragging rights that I’ve bested you twice.” He gave a broad grin, flashing his teeth briefly.

Axel threw out an indignant laugh. “Fighting words, buddy. I’ll let you go first. It will make my comeback all the more glorious.”

Roxas laughed gently and walked up to the table, where he did the deed after some strategizing.

Overall, it was a strikingly different experience from the first time they had done this. Axel watched Roxas carefully, observing his mannerisms and letting his mind race around trying to figure out how to get him to talk, while Roxas was seemingly lost in concentration, sinking ball after careful ball at a very slow pace.

Axel didn’t mind the speed though. He didn’t goad Roxas into hurrying up. It was just nice to be in his presence again, and to know Roxas was safe and in one piece. He did contemplate the idea that perhaps he had overreacted. Perhaps Roxas really _had_ just been very busy. Well, okay, given the tension in Roxas right now, Axel couldn’t believe that notion. But he was at least willing to entertain it for a little bit anyway.

When Roxas missed and they swapped, Axel continued his vigil over Roxas. He positioned himself so he could spy and observe Roxas’ twitches and quirks, unnoticed. He seemed to have a lot of those today. Roxas kept adjusting his shirt and bracelets, as well as fidgeting and rubbing his wrists. And it wasn’t just once, or twice. It was all the time.

Axel purposely missed a fair few shots so he could drag the game out and go back to watching Roxas play.

“Having a bad night?” Roxas remarked once, as they swapped over.

“Yeah. The Pool Gods ain’t smiling down on me.”

“I thought _you_ were the Pool God.”

Roxas’ joke filled Axel up with all sorts of nice feelings. “I’m taking a mini vacation from the gig. Looks like I’ll have to kick my stand-in up the ass when I see them again.”

Roxas laughed quietly and turned his attention back to the game. He was lining up a trickier shot, continuously adjusting and re-adjusting himself when Axel tried again, “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah, stop asking me that,” he grumbled and hit the ball way too hard in irritation. The cue ball went flying and bounced over the side cushion, thumping loudly on the wooden floorboards and rolled onward, hitting the wall with a _thunk_ , where it came to a stop. Roxas’ head and shoulders sunk, and he sighed loudly.

Normally, Axel would have ribbed him so hard, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “Bad luck.”

Roxas just made a face and fetched the ball. “Where should I put it?”

“Starting position,” he nodded at the table.

Roxas stretched over and plopped it down. The movement caused long sleeve to ride up, and bracelet to shift down. It was so slight, but Axel was on high alert due to everything he had been witnessing tonight, that he noticed instantaneously. He launched into a walk before the words left his mouth, “Roxas, you okay?”

“Yes, quit asking me that,” Roxas snapped and withdrew his limbs and tucked everything back in place.

Axel couldn’t be silent about this anymore. He caught Roxas by a wrist, as gentle as possible, but Roxas still flinched. Axel leaned down and said, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Roxas gave a half-hearted tug of his arm, but it wasn’t enough to dislodge himself from the light hold.

“Do your wrists hurt?” Axel eased up even more and was merely acting as a support for the upheld body part at this point.

“No,” came the dismal heart-wrenching squeak.

Whilst still holding Roxas, Axel used his other hand to gingerly push the green sleeve up a fraction, exposing a deeply bruised band of skin.

“Quit it,” Roxas finally yanked his arm away, and covered himself again.

Axel’s heart shattered and his stomach churned. “What happened?” he got out past the thick lump in his throat.

“These damn bracelets are just too tight,” Roxas muttered, but the way his voice hitched was very pronounced. Roxas turned away and brought his hand up to his face, rubbing.

Axel became painfully aware of their surroundings. It felt like eyes were boring into them. He slid a hand onto Roxas’ shoulder, wanting to be comforting. Leaning in, he spoke softly against Roxas’ ear, “Roof?”

Roxas read between the lines and understood the unspoken message. To Axel’s relief, Roxas nodded, shoulders shook, and the sound of a sniffle accompanied it.

Sliding his hand down to the small of Roxas’ back, Axel gave a small push as he placed their pool cues down. They made their way out of the bar and up the ladder and the metal staircase. Axel focused on the way their feet clanked, causing the whole fire escape to rattle and echo around the alley. It was preferable to getting hopelessly worked up and outraged about Vanitas abusing Roxas.

Upon reaching the roof, Axel went to fetch the blanket. When he returned, shaking it and spreading it onto the concrete floor, he watched Roxas from behind, unmistakably rubbing at his wrists again. Heat was rising in Axel’s chest. The rage was growing. His heart was breaking. “What did he do, Roxas?”

No response.

Axel walked over towards him. “Why did he do it, Roxas?”

No response.

Axel came to a standstill right behind the other man. “Are you okay?”

Breath rasped, and shoulders heaved. Words slowly trickled out, “I really do want to do as he says but,” Roxas sniffled, pulling his arms to his face, rubbing at himself, and then dropping them back down to his sides. Roxas slowly turned around and looked up at Axel. The light reflected off the tear tracks streaking his cheeks. “I think I need one of those awesome hugs.” His lip quivered, and his words sounded like they were almost choking him.

Pain wracked Axel’s chest. He engulfed Roxas with his arms, wrapping him up and connecting them both. Axel pressed his cheek against the cap Roxas wore and Roxas’ arms pushed underneath Axel’s open jacket and wound around his waist. Fingers gripped and clung onto Axel’s shirt. Sobs rattled out of Roxas and slowly soaked into the fabric. It didn’t bother Axel in the least. He held onto the trembling form firmly, trying to absorb as much of Roxas’ pain and sadness as he could by pulling him as close as possible. “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault,” he spoke against Roxas’ ear, like a broken record.

Axel carefully maneuvered them both over to the blanket where they sunk to the ground in one smooth folding-motion. Axel continued holding Roxas until the severity of the sobs died down. And then he pulled them apart, so he could look upon Roxas’ splotchy, red face.

“What happened, Rox? Why did he do that to you?” he spoke just above a whisper.

Tear-stuttered voice spoke, “He’s not a bad guy. Don’t think he’s a bad guy, please. I love him, I love him, _I love him_.” The sobs started again.

Axel hugged Roxas tight and rocked them gently. He had to – it was the only way to stop himself from crying. “Okay, okay, shh, shh, he’s not a bad guy. It’s okay, I get it. But he did the wrong thing, Roxas. He hurt you— no one should ever hurt you.”

Roxas’ breath leveled out. “He has every right to hurt me. I’m a bad person, the worst of the worst, he doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to him,” he criticized into Axel’s chest.

Axel stopped the rocking motion, pried Roxas away from this chest and stroked a wet cheek, coaxing Roxas to look up at him. “What’re you doing to him?”

“I’m here. I’m cheating on him, I’m leaving him alone, again, _again_ ,” Roxas broke into fresh hysterics, pushing his face back against Axel’s chest.

The sound of Roxas’ upset, coupled with the self-blame, was tearing Axel apart. He held on, his own tears silently falling and soaking into the fabric of Roxas’ hat. “No, Roxas, no. It’s not true. It’s not. Don’t believe that about yourself, please,” he begged.

“It is, it is. You don’t know what a monster I am. You don’t know what I’ve put him through,” Roxas pulled away and looked up at Axel. But seeing Axel’s face and the wetness of his eyes upset Roxas further. “No, no, no!” Hands left Axel’s back and began stroking Axel’s face. “Now I’m hurting you too.” Red-rimmed, watery eyes squeezed out more tears. “I’m the absolute worst.”

“Shh, shh, you’re no such thing. You’re not hurting me, Roxas. You’re not. You just… remind me of someone, and that makes me sad.”

“Remind you?”

Axel forced his emotions back down. This was no time for himself. He needed to be there for Roxas. “Yeah, but why do you think you’re the worst?”

Roxas gulped down his sobs. “I know I am—I made him this way, you know. It was me. And I’m here. He hurt me because I’m here. Because he knew I’d betray him. I deserve this, I deserve this.” Roxas rubbed his wrists and his chin sunk down to his chest.

It made no sense. “You don’t. Nothing you could have done makes him hurting you right.”

“No, I do. I abandoned him once.” Wide blue eyes looked up. “He needed me, and I abandoned him. For years he was hurting. _Years_ , Axel. I did that to him. I made him hurt. This –,” he held up his wrists “– is nothing compared to that. This is him trying to show me how much it hurt. So I can understand. So I can stop.” Arms dropped to his sides and watery eyes looked at the ground.

Axel was having a hard time digesting what he was hearing through all the noise in his head and the rage building in his chest. Why did this have to happen to Roxas? What could Axel ever do to make him see sense? He had tried before and failed. This was awful. Axel pulled Roxas close to himself, trying to comfort both of them.

Sobs shook out. Roxas clasped Axel’s shirt once more, but then let go and pushed himself away slightly. “I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have come.”

“Why did you?” Axel needed to understand. Perhaps he could find a way out of this for Roxas if he understood.

Eyes looked up, and then away as pain-filled words tumbled out, “I… really miss you. Van said not to come, before he left yesterday. He was so upset. He grabbed me—it was an accident. He didn’t mean to. He apologized for hurting me, but it’s my fault for making him angry – for making him doubt me. He’s right though. He _should_ doubt me, because I’m here instead of home. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep wanting to be with you. I keep cheating on Van – even when I’m with him in my heart—”

Axel watched the tears drop and be soaked up by the blanket. He was torn up inside between conflicting feelings; euphoria that Roxas seemed to really want him, and a deep, horrifying aching at the thought that this was putting Roxas in physical danger. He wanted to make it better somehow – without leaving Roxas to that monster of a man.

“We’re not cheating, Roxas. Don’t feel bad about wanting to hang out with your friends. You should be allowed to be with whoever you want, and do whatever you like.”

“No. It _is_ cheating. I like you, _a lot_. I think about you all the time, even when I’m not supposed to be. I’m selfish. He takes such good care of me and this is how I repay him.” Nose wrinkled in disgust. “I can’t stop.”

A thrill tingled down Axel’s core over Roxas’ revealing words. But excitement gave way to anger at what else he was also hearing. He was about to make some sweeping assumptions but was sure he’d be spot on. “By ‘ _taking care of you’_ do you mean you’re almost completely reliant on him financially?”

Roxas gave an uncomfortable look and a slight nod.

“Has he ever stopped you from getting a job, a career? Ever stopped you from studying so you _could_ get a job?”

Roxas drew limbs in against his body. That was all Axel needed for confirmation. “He’s manipulating you, Roxas. He’s making you reliant on him, and making you feel bad just so he can keep you where he wants you.”

“No! He wouldn’t do that. He loves me and wants the best for me,” Roxas pushed back with ferocity.

Axel could feel the irritation inside himself. He took a deep inhale of breath and said, “I don’t doubt that he loves you, but I bet he’s doing things that are in his own best interests, rather than yours.”

Roxas sprang up and he glared down at Axel. “No. That’s _you_ who you’re thinking of. You’re trying to make me doubt myself – doubt Van.”

Axel craned his up neck to look at Roxas, “No, that’s not—”

“It _is_. You just want me all to yourself.” The anger was rife in Roxas’ voice, his hands shook a little, there, clenched at his sides.

Axel could hardly deny that accusation but he had to grit his teeth. “Yeah, I want you. I’d treat you better than he’s treating you.”

“You’re being selfish. You’re the one who’s manipulating me – by making me get drunk so I couldn’t think straight, so we would end up all over each other.”

“No,” Axel snapped and sprang up to his feet. He wasn’t going to take this. He huffed, trying to calm himself a little. “Were you drunk at the zoo? Were you drunk the night we lay up here making out?”

Roxas took a step back, mouth flapping a little, “I… we—”

“No, you weren’t. In fact, I tried to stop you from making out with me, but _you_ went ahead and did it anyway. And you know in your heart why that happened. You’re not dumb, Roxas. I doubt anyone could easily manipulate you. What Vanitas is doing to you is terrible and has probably been going on for such a long time that you most likely can’t even pinpoint where it all started.” Axel checked himself, dropping his tone and forcing his shoulders to relax. “I’m not here to make you feel bad, or to hurt you. You came out to see me, because your boyfriend’s hurting you, and you have no one else to turn to for comfort. So, if that’s cheating then that’s okay in my books. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be treated with respect and going out to be with the people who give that to you.”

Roxas hugged himself tight, looking disgruntled and close to tears once more.

Axel softened as he spoke, “I want to make you feel better, Roxas. I want to be there for you like the way your boyfriend isn’t. I want to support you, protect you – love you,” he said tentatively, “like Vanitas doesn’t.”

The softness in Roxas’ face tensed when Axel finished that sentence. And then a mix of emotions flicked over his face. Elation, longing, doubt, angst, and lastly defiance. “He does all those things.”

“Your body says otherwise,” Axel vaguely pointed towards Roxas’ arms. The ferocity his heart had been hammering with mellowed.

“It was an accident,” Roxas’ voice strained, and his arms wound tighter around himself.

“Accident or not, it’s not right and you don’t deserve that kinda treatment.” 

“Haven’t you been listening to what I’ve been saying? I do deserve it. I’m terrible,” came Roxas’ shrill declaration.

“You’re not.” Axel frowned with sadness.

“I _am_.”

Axel was tired of fighting him. This was a losing battle, which would only cause a rift between them, so Axel had to really pull back. “Okay. Let’s say that you are.”

Watery eyes suddenly focused on him. Roxas looked dismal and shocked.

“You think you’re awful and selfish and you hurt everyone you meet. But even if that were true, it still doesn’t mean you deserve to be hurt.”

Roxas looked glum. “I do.”

Axel groaned softly. “You don’t. And if you were with me you’d never be hurt.”

Roxas huffed out some air. “It always comes back down to you, doesn’t it,” he grumbled.

“Believe it or not, I care about you a whole lot. I want the best for you.” He put his hands on his hips, to help support himself through what he feared was going to be a very long and circular argument.

“And the best would be for me to be at your side?” Roxas spat a little.

He hadn’t set out wanting to talk like this, because he was sure Roxas wasn’t ready to hear it, but now that the cat was out of the bag… “It sure would be better than what you’ve got going right now, yeah.”

“How do you know?” Roxas half-screamed, half-whined, his fists clenched and body slightly trembled.

Roxas was really pushing him. Axel relaxed his own clenched fists and breathed. “I can see it on your face. Feel it in your touch. If things were great between you two, you wouldn’t be coming to me. I’m not so awesome to deserve someone like you in my life.”

Angry hostility vanished in a flash. Roxas looked small and forlorn, one arm wrapping around himself and he hunched little. “I’m not—”

“Oh, stop it. You are. To me, you are,” he smiled softly, but it came out rather sad looking. The yearning in his heart was too strong.

Roxas’ mouth closed, and he looked infinitely miserable. The other arm also drew around himself and Roxas looked to be holding on tight to everything that was inside. “No,” he whispered. He shook his head and took a step away from Axel. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have come.”

Axel’s heart began to race as a sudden surge of panic flooded him. He was terrified— “No, don’t go.” Snap reaction caused Axel’s arm to fling out and grab Roxas’ bicep, pulling him towards himself and into an embrace.

“Let me go!” Roxas cried out, pushing against Axel. The more Axel held on, the stronger Roxas shook with sobs. Fists hammered – not enough to hurt, but enough to protest. “Let me go…” Roxas kept trying to push away.

Axel kept holding on. He couldn’t let go. It was going to kill him if he did. “I’ve missed you so much, Roxas,” he said, struggling not to let his emotions completely swallow him up.

“Lemme go,” Roxas whimpered with decreasing volume, and lighter thumps of his fists pummeled Axel’s chest.

Axel’s heart was breaking all over again. He had been trying to be calm and understanding, but he was also incredibly scared for Roxas. He couldn’t let him go – he just couldn’t. Not like this. He continued his desperate plea, “I’ve been really worried about you. Please don’t go – not without me knowing you’ll be safe,” Axel muttered and eased his firm hold on Roxas as the fight left the other man.

Eventually, Roxas’ arms went from pushing, to stilling, to holding, and then gripping Axel. “Let me go, Ax. I’m safe. It was an accident,” Roxas continued to tow the party line, whilst making no moves to leave.

“No, I can’t. —I don’t wanna be pushy, but I have to be – I need to know you’re safe. I can’t let you go without that.”

A tremendous, shuddering exhale left Roxas. “You’re just gonna keep me hostage?” He looked up at Axel with knit brows but the smallest of smiles on his lips as well.

Axel gave him a small smile back and it hurt his heart. “Yeah, but I’ll take real good care of you. I’ll feed you all the desserts you could want, take you out for walks; I’ll even bathe you and groom you.”

Roxas’ head sunk down again and the quality of Roxas’ shaking changed to the type that indicated laughter. “Wow, creepy,” came the muffle against Axel’s chest.

Axel’s smile grew a little stronger, and some of the broiling tension eased away. He nuzzled against Roxas, wishing there wasn’t a hat in the way, because he loved smelling Roxas’ hair. But he sobered a little. “Yeah, I know. So, if you don’t want that to happen you need to give me something to go by.”

Roxas stayed quiet for a while. His fingers flexed and massaged the fabric of Axel’s shirt. But eventually, he said, “I’ve got nothing to give you.”

Axel released Roxas, pushing the other man away from himself a little, but still holding Roxas by both shoulders. “Yeah, you do. Your number. Gimme your number so I can check on you. Better yet, let me give you my number as well, so we can talk. It’s been driving me mad not knowing whether you were okay or not. I can’t let you go again without some way of getting in touch with you.”

Roxas looked pained as he stared up at Axel’s face. “I – I can’t…” 

“Why not? You don’t have to call me, and I promise I won’t call you – much. I just want to make sure you’re okay. And I need to know that if anything happens, you have a way of getting in touch with me. Day or night. I’ll come get you. As a friend. And as someone who really cares for you. I’ll be there, in person, or if you just need an ear. Let me be there for you, please,” he begged, not sure if he could let Roxas go if he didn’t accept Axel’s help in this matter.

There came a sharp inhale. Eyes fell away and Roxas wound arms tight around himself again.

Axel _hated_ that gesture. He was almost afraid to ask, but he did anyway, “What is it?”

Roxas only seemed to curl in tighter around himself. “You’re—I can’t.”

Axel’s hands gripped Roxas’ shoulders a little tighter. His insides clenched, making him feel ill. “What is it, Roxas? You’re freaking me out.”

Eyes dragged off the ground and back onto Axel. “I can’t – I don’t want to tell you because… it’s gonna – you’re gonna rub it in my face.”

“I won’t. Whatever it is, I won’t. I swear.”

Roxas looked at him for a long while, sizing him up, and mulling things over. Axel could see the words being hauled up like heavy stones, “My phone… I can only call one number from it.”

There is was. _Of course_. It didn’t surprise him one bit, but Axel felt Roxas’ deep shame over having to admit that to another human being. “Did Vanitas give you your phone?” he asked as delicately as possible.

Roxas gave a small nod.

“Oh, Roxas.” It broke Axel’s heart to be right. One of his hands left Roxas’ shoulders and stroked at damp cheek. Roxas leaned in to the touch and turned his face towards Axel’s palm. Axel thumbed over Roxas bottom lip, reflexively.

“Please don’t,” Roxas whispered and turned his head away again.

“I’m sorry.” Axel stopped. He wanted to be so much more than a friend to Roxas. A part of Axel was convinced that if he could just make Roxas want him more – if he could make Roxas _love_ him – then Axel could make Roxas leave and be with him instead – where he would be safe and cared for.

Axel tried to move his hand to give Roxas some space but he was met with a sudden clasp of Roxas’ hand on his own.

“No, don’t,” Roxas said, sounding pained whilst keeping Axel’s hand on his face. “I don’t want you to stop.” Axel’s palm was kissed and nuzzled into. Roxas winced as he muffled into Axel’s hand, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I keep doing this with you. I need to let you go but… I don’t want to.”

It was agonizing having Roxas be so affectionate but completely tormented over it. “I think you do know. I get it. It’s hard. It’ll be one of the hardest things you will probably ever do, if you decide to move on from your past.”

“I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough,” Roxas sniffled.

“You are. You’re incredibly strong. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use a bit of help. Let me help you, Roxas. Let me be there for you if you need me.” Axel gently pulled his hand free and fished around in his pockets for a moment. He produced a scrap piece of paper and a pen, which he used to scribble his number down with. “Do you have access to a landline? Or is there a payphone anywhere near your place?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a landline,” Roxas said in a small voice.

“Good. Call me, anytime, day or night. Don’t worry whether I’m sleeping or at work. Just call me if you need me. I’ll be there for you.” He held the scrap piece of paper out to Roxas, who looked at it with uncertainty for some time.

“Axel—”

“Please, just take it. If you leave here without me knowing that you can reach me if you need to, it’s gonna kill me. So please take it. It’ll make me feel better.”

A great long pause followed. Eyes fell on Axel, examining him in seeming minute detail. An “Okay” followed, eventually. Roxas took the piece of paper reluctantly and looked at it.

A tremendous weight rolled off Axel’s heart, releasing a relieved sigh. “Thank you. Please memorize it, and then throw it out. Don’t let him know. And if you have to call me, can we agree on some kind of a code word? So I know that you’re safe and free to talk?”

Eyebrow cocked, and wet stare landed on Axel. “Code word? Seriously? Is all this really necessary?”

“I’d rather play it safe. I don’t want you to get into trouble with Vanitas.”

Roxas sighed in resignation. “What kind of a code word?”

Axel thought for a bit. “Maybe… your name? We’ll use your name. If you’re free to talk don’t tell me your name if you call. I’ll know it’s you by your voice, so don’t tell me it’s you. And if you can’t really talk – because Vanitas is there, use your name. That clear enough?”

“Yeah, I guess. But what if I accidentally say my name out of habit?”

“Hmm. Oh, well if that happens then tell me about your cat. If you slip up, you just tell me what Cheshire’s been up to lately.”

That brought a smile to Roxas’ less weepy face.

“Sound good? You think you’ll be able to do that?”

“Talk about Cheshy…? Yeah. I can do that.”

“Good. Remember to not tell me your name, that’s the important bit.”

Roxas nodded and finally pocketed the paper.

They stood around, and for once there was actual awkward silence, in the aftermath of their conversation.

Axel felt completely miserable. He thought he might drown in the wretchedness of it all if he thought about it too hard. So instead, he focused on knowing he had extended a lifeline to Roxas. If Roxas ever needed him, he would be there. He had to be happy about that. But he wasn’t. Not really. How could he let Roxas walk back to a life and relationship like he had? Could he kidnap Roxas? He really wanted to. But he also wanted Roxas to still like him.

He sank back down onto the blanket, and sat, staring at the neon sign streaming out pink and yellow light from the opposite building. Axel caught sight of Roxas moving about in his periphery until he vanished even from there. Footfalls rang behind Axel and stopped. And then there was a firm warmness pressed against his back. Axel cast a glance behind himself to see the back of Roxas’ head. They sat back to back for a while.

Axel wondered what Roxas was thinking about, and Axel himself lamented that this was the furthest he had ever felt from Roxas. They were marooned on separate islands in a vast ocean. Roxas had a boat but refused to use it to get to him and ultimately to safety. It made him feel extremely lonely and sad in that moment. He hated feeling so powerless to help and protect someone he cared so much for.

“Thank you, Axel,” Roxas murmured.

“For what?”

“Mm… being here. Listening to me. Trying to protect me.” Roxas sighed. “But also, thank you for leaving me to make my own choices. I’ve always liked that about you. You don’t tell me what to do.”

Axel smiled sadly. “You gonna be okay? Vanitas won’t find out you came here, right?” He just _had to_ believe that Roxas knew best – that he knew if he was still safe or not.

“I… don’t know. I think… the guys you saw him making out with – I think maybe he was asking them about me. Because he knew about you and me – hanging out, y’know.”

Uncomfortable dread gripped Axel and his head snapped to the side, to look at the back of Roxas’ head. “So, you coming here – it’s not safe.”

Roxas’ head was bowed. “Probably not.”

Fear suddenly seized him. Axel turned at the waist to face Roxas, panic rising. “Roxas!”

“Please, just leave it alone, Axel. I’m fine.”

“But you _just_ said—”

“Vanitas will probably find out… but nothing will happen. That’s what I mean.”

“You sure?” Axel didn’t believe it. These things _always_ escalated. A push here, a grab and slap there… Axel couldn’t take that thought further or it would make him ill. “What do you think his reaction will be?”

Roxas still sat with his back to Axel. His shoulders shrugged. “He’s gonna yell. I know that. He’s gonna tell me all the reasons and ways in which I always disappoint him and about how untrustworthy I am. I’m sure everything will be fine though. I’ll tell him I came to say goodbye to you.”

The blood drained from Axel’s extremities. “Is that why you came? To say _goodbye_?” He almost choked on the word.

“I… it wasn’t. But now… I think maybe it’s for the best?”

Axel quickly turned away. He hadn’t expected the night to ever go this way. He hadn’t expected to be hurting this much. Axel clung to the uncertainty in Roxas’ voice. There was still hope. Hope for himself to be with Roxas, and hope that he didn’t have to leave Roxas friendless to deal with an abusive relationship.

Thinking about leaving Roxas to such a beastly man made him angry. He didn’t want to do it. The thought of kidnapping resurfaced. Surely Roxas would realize that things would be better living with Axel if he just had an opportunity to escape _the boyfriend’s_ fiendish grip. Words started formulating in his head. If he could get Roxas to spend the night with him… maybe…

“He’s really not a bad guy. I know you think he is, but… he isn’t,” Roxas said. “This was an accident. Please don’t worry about me. Vanitas isn’t like _that_. He’s really not.”

Axel wondered what it would take for Roxas to stop defending that bastard. “You sure? If he’s not, then why can’t we keep seeing each other?”

“It’s…” a heavy sigh fell out of Roxas. “These feelings I have for you… I think they’re getting in the way of me making Vanitas happy.”

Axel wanted to scream. “You could make _me_ really happy though. You could be happy with me, Roxas. Why’re you clinging to him? What’s he ever done for you?”

“He’s done _everything_ for me,” Roxas snapped.

The sharp response made Axel cool it a little. He was being pushy — he had been down this path with Xion to some extent and it hadn’t worked. He needed to change tactics. He swallowed down the thick lump in his throat, hating where he was about to take this. “Can I ask you something?”

“Depends what it is,” Roxas grumbled.

His stomach was heavy and as uncomfortable as if it was filled with lead. “How did it end up like this? How did you guys meet? When did it turn bad? That kinda stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, of course I can tell you how we met.” The excitement was undeniable. The whole mood of the moment shifted. “We lived down the street from each other as kids. I was like maybe five, playing in the front yard with my cat, Lucifer—”

Despite himself, Axel chuckled.

“What?” came the playful complaint from behind.

“Hectic name.”

“He was the ugliest cat I’ve ever laid eyes on. But I saw him at the animal shelter and fell in love. I had to beg mom for a full week for her to say yes to me taking him home.”

“You mean nag to death?”

Roxas gave a light laugh. “I stand by what I said.”

“Okay, okay, go on with your story,” Axel laughed some more. Hearing Roxas happy inflated him.

“Right, yeah, so I was playing with him when this dog showed up and stared us down. It was big and mean and had been terrorizing the neighborhood for a while. But Lucifer was new and didn’t know to be scared so – being a bit of a troublemaker – he decided he was gonna take on the dog. It was like five times the size of him. Anyway, I couldn’t stop him, I was too scared. So the fight started. There was a lot of growling and angry hissing and yelping and screeching and me crying,” Roxas stated rather matter-of-factly.

“The sound of those two going at it was terrifying and I thought Lucifer would definitely be a goner and I’d be next. But Van came screaming down the road with a big stick and scared the dog away before it could do too much damage to Lucifer—Van was kind of like Lucifer that way. He had also just moved to the neighborhood and didn’t know any better. But I’m so glad he wasn’t scared, because he saved us. You know, there was blood and fur everywhere. I don’t remember much after Van picked me up off the ground, but we ended up at the vet – dad drove us all. And I was so worried sick, and Van was there by my side, holding my hand.”

Roxas’ tone of voice had fallen and sounded melancholic. But he picked right back up, “Lucifer was okay after that incident, and Van was always around. We had so much fun. I showed him everything there was to see in our neighborhood and we started school together and just shared so many memories growing up together. He was my best friend – is. He _is_ my best friend.” But Roxas sounded tired, and like it took effort convincing himself of that statement.

Axel looked down at his fingers, picking at his nails as he listened to Roxas’ happy memories. If Roxas could be happy again Axel would leave it alone. He was sure of it. But… “What changed?”

A heavy sigh escaped. “My mom got a job opportunity in Atlantica, so we moved…”

 _‘How strange,’_ Axel thought. “You lived in Atlantica?”

“Yeah, you know where it is?” Roxas said, sounding as if he had turned a bit to look at Axel.

“Yeah, I do. That’s my hometown.”

“Oh, wow, really?”

Axel turned to look at Roxas over his shoulder. Eyes sparkled back at him with interest. “Yeah. I lived in the thirteenth district. You?”

“Third.”

“Geez, your folks must have been raking in the dough.”

“Well, we weren’t poor, that’s true.” Roxas turned away again. “I liked living there. All the parks in the city and the nature reserves outside of it were my favorite things. I liked going camping with dad.”

“You ever go up to Dover’s Pass?”

“Oh, yeah. There was that natural pool, right? I used to go there with my friends in the summer.”

“I think most of us did that,” Axel smiled at the memories he also shared of that place.

“Wouldn’t it be cool if we saw each other there?” Roxas spoke, excitement shaking his words.

“Would have been cool for me. You though… not so much.” He quirked his lip up in a half-smile.

“Why?” Roxas looked at Axel with eagerness and curiosity.

“I was a bit of an asshole teenager. You would have gotten dunked, and I’d have farted on ya head,” Axel grinned broadly.

That made Roxas laugh. “You know, actually—”

Axel’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

Roxas laughed harder. “No, that never happened to me. Though my best friend Hayner – he did say something like that happened to him once.”

“Ah shit, tell him I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. He probably would have deserved it.”

They grinned at each other and turned back around.

“Funny how small the world is sometimes,” was all Axel said whilst he felt a giant hole growing in his heart.

Roxas hummed. “Yeah.”

They sat in silence. Axel thought back on his adolescence, trying to remember if he might have ever run into Roxas. Their lives could have been different. Their lives _should_ have been about nostalgic trips down shared memory lanes. Axel hated that their paths never crossed until now. He loathed that maybe their paths had crossed but he had been too dumb to take notice.

“I wish Vanitas could have come with me to Atlantica. Things might have turned out different.”

Axel heard and felt the sniffle against his back.

“It would have been better. He wouldn’t have felt like I abandoned him. It was really hard on him, y’know. Me leaving. He didn’t have it easy. His parents… well, he spent most of his time over at my place. When I moved I tried calling him so many times, but his parents—Van doesn’t have the nicest parents. I don’t know what their problem was with our friendship, but they never liked me. So, I could never get a hold of him on the phone. And then I tried writing letters, but he never got those either, he said. I wrote him daily, y’know. And then weekly, and then monthly and then…”

Axel turned around and gently said, “That wasn’t your fault. There’s nothing you could have done. You were just a kid.”

“I could have come and visited. I could have tried to get letters to him through other people. I—most of all though I shouldn’t have forgotten him. Because I did. Life happened, and I completely forgot him.”

Axel put his hand on Roxas’ shoulder, squeezing. “That’s not your fault.” He didn’t care if he sounded like a broken record. Roxas needed to hear it until he believed it.

Red-rimmed eyes glanced over shoulder and he put his hand atop of Axel’s, rubbing at fingers before he dropped his hand back down. “It _is_ my fault.”

“It’s not,” he tried in vain.

Roxas stayed non-responsive. Axel looked at Roxas’ sad face, staring at the ground. He gave one final squeeze to the man’s shoulder before turning back around. “How did you guys reconnect?” he attempted to be supportive.

“I finished my senior year and then decided to go to university, but everyone knows— _Atlantica University couldn’t even teach a fish how to swim,_ ” they both finished in unison and chuckled.

“You know that one, huh?” Roxas said, sounding tired but excited.

“Yeah. It’s why I left and moved here with Kairi.” Axel wanted a time machine so badly, so he could have found Roxas and convinced him to be his roommate instead. Nothing against his friend, of course, but this was _Roxas_. Axel figured she’d understand.

“I didn’t know you lived together… or that you went to uni.”

“I’m offended. You spent so much time talking to Kairi and she never mentioned me?” Axel teased.

“She did talk about you… but not about that stuff,” came the quiet utterance.

Axel gasped. “Okay, let me fill you in then – we moved in together, to save on cost, being poor students and all. I was undertaking business management studies, so I could avoid running my bar into the ground. I did that for a year but lectures and reading books to learn isn’t my thing. I’m a doer, not an academic. So, I figured I’d just get myself a job at a bar and get real-life, hands-on experience. I was able to move out on my own after half a year. Truthfully, I could have moved earlier, but I didn’t want to leave Kairi hanging to pay the full rent by herself. So that’s me. You?” he threw back to Roxas.

“Ah… well, I moved back to my hometown to enrol in architecture.”

“Oh! So that’s why you’re so amazing at drawing floor plans.” An image of their drawn-up nightclub hanging on his wall filled Axel’s mind and made him smile.

Roxas laughed a little and hummed. “I met Vanitas at the freshman orientation day and… it was like we had never been apart. We moved in together shortly after that and… well, it was amazing,” he breathed out with longing.

“But you didn’t finish your degree,” Axel tried to clarify, thinking back on what he knew of Roxas already.

“Uh, yeah. Vanitas wanted us to study the same thing and go into business together,” Roxas mumbled.

There was the answer Axel had been looking for earlier. He really hated himself for being so right. “What was he studying?”

“Same as you, business management.”

“Oh, cool. I guess that explains your business.”

Roxas made an uncomfortable murmuring sound in his throat, and Axel could feel his shoulders tense up. “Not… exactly. I, uh, never finished that degree either.”

Axel’s diaphragm tightened, making him feel ill. “Why not?”

A small sigh escaped and then, “Vanitas, he, uh… well, he said that he thought one year was enough to teach me the basics. He said he’d handle everything else and that I was going to learn more from doing something more practical than studying… kinda like you, I guess.”

Axel was getting sickeningly mad again. He tried to keep it in check. “And did you?”

“I, uh – well, yeah. I have learned a lot. And I do like making clothes.”

“But would you have liked to finish your degree and be involved in all aspects of your business?”

“It’s a joint thing. Van set everything up. I just make the clothes.”

Axel turned around slowly, staring into the back of Roxas’ head. Disbelief clouded his thoughts, “Was this type of business even your idea? Or did he just decide that you’d like to make clothes and you followed suit?” Yeah, it came out a bit too aggressive.

Roxas suddenly turned and glared back at him, but it was on the sad side. “I like what I do.”

Axel cooled it, and smiled, but it hurt internally. “All good then.” He turned back around and breathed in the cool night air, trying to extinguish the fire in his gut.

“I know what it sounds like. But – it really wasn’t like what it sounds like.” Roxas pushed his back against Axel’s.

Axel felt an overwhelming sadness. “I get it.”

“You must think me so stupid,” came the tiny murmur.

Axel swiveled on the spot, so he was next to Roxas. He wrapped an arm around the man’s shoulders, squeezing. “No, never Roxas. Misguided, maybe, but never stupid. You guys have history, and love and that… well, it can complicate things.”

Sullen blue eyes fell on Axel, and a dumbfounded look crossed Roxas’ face. “Why’re you being so nice to me? Other people say really nasty things about Van and me, but you… you don’t. Not really. Not to my face anyway.”

It stung Axel to hear that word again. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like to live with Vanitas. “I had a friend like you. Stuck in a bad relationship. While she was going through it I kept fighting her to get out. I said some not-so-very-nice things to her. I didn’t get why she stayed with an asshole who abused her. I got very angry at her and stopped talking to her – stopped trying to help her – stopped being there for her when she needed someone.” Axel bit his lip, trying to keep the torrential sadness at bay. It still felt so raw.

“What happened? Did things ever get better for her?”

Axel dragged his eyes back onto Roxas’ hopeful face. “I —” he couldn’t do it – he couldn’t tell him, “lost contact with her. But I did learn a lot from what she was going through. I get that this is really hard for you. So, that’s why I gave you my number. I know it’s better for us to not see each other while you’re with Vanitas, but I still want to be here for you. Even if it takes a whole lifetime. I’ll always be here for you. As a friend—as… well, anything else you might ever want me as.”

Roxas’ eyes began shimmering. He whispered something Axel couldn’t catch and then smiled with great sadness. Axel wiped away the tear that dislodged and trickled down Roxas’ cheek. “Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not. I’m grateful,” and with that, Roxas’ head tilted, and his cheek pushed into the palm of Axel’s hand again.

Axel stroked soft skin and yearned to kiss him – to take him away from the bad man – to shower him with love and kindness. But it wasn’t his right to decide that. He didn’t want to guilt Roxas, or make him feel bad, or make him feel obliged to do anything for Axel. Axel didn’t want to be like _the boyfriend_. So, hand dropped away from cheek, and slid from shoulder. With a smile he refocused on being a friend. “Do you wanna go do something? Nights still young. Sort of,” he chuckled.

Roxas groaned. “I can’t. I left my phone at home by accident. If Van calls – well, I can only be in the bathroom for so long.”

Again, all the implications there – it would send Axel mad if he dwelled on it. With the heaviest of hearts, he said, “All right. Let’s call it a night.”

They both got up and Roxas waited for Axel at the stairs while he packed away the blanket. Rejoining him, Axel’s stomach buzzed as Roxas’ fingers fluttered against his hand. He reached out tentatively as they went down the stairs side by side. Axel’s heart wanted to sing and cry as Roxas took hold, and their fingers linked together.

Three weeks had been too long to go without Roxas. The rest of his life would be… well, almost unimaginable. Axel slowed their pace because he didn’t want to face what reaching the ground might entail.

He tried to memorize everything about this moment. The feel, the smell, the sight. Hands were warm against the cool air. Their steps clinked on the stairs and shook the railing, while soft breaths echoed in ears. But it came to an end all too soon.

Hands unclasped, and they descended the ladder one at a time.

Axel waited patiently for Roxas to touch the ground, all the while wondering what would happen. Traditionally, Roxas gave him a wave and smile, so when Roxas stepped close and held both of Axel’s hands in his own, Axel’s heart just about wanted to implode.

“Thank you for tonight, Axel.”

He returned the smile that was given to him. “Did you get what you came for?”

A small thoughtful hum left Roxas, and then the warm smile turned sad, “Not completely. Can I get another one of your famous hugs?”

“If you’d let me, I’d hug you and never let go.” Axel squeezed Roxas’ hands before he wrapped his arms around Roxas and held him firm. Roxas’ hands reached up, wrapping and gripping behind Axel’s neck. They breathed each other in, and held onto one another, with the passage of time possessing little to no meaning.

“I wish we had known each other back in Atlantica,” Axel said.

“Me too,” Roxas whispered.

Their warm embrace continued. Axel refused to be the first one to let go. He wanted to keep Roxas with him forever. He tightened his grip, pulling Roxas closer somehow, wanting to absorb him.

Roxas reciprocated, squeezing and rubbing his face against Axel’s chest. But after a while, Roxas started shaking lightly. Axel, alarmed, pulled away ever so minutely to look at Roxas with worry. But he needn’t have been concerned. Roxas craned his neck and looked up at him with a bright face, chuckling. “You were serious about the not letting go bit, huh?”

“Dead serious,” he returned with a stern expression.

“How’re we gonna live?”

“There are conjoined twins who do just fine. We’ll be like that.”

Roxas laughed harder, pushing his face back against Axel to resume the tight embrace, and Axel sniggered, savoring the contact.

But eventually it did end, and Axel reluctantly let Roxas go when he began pulling away.

This was it. Their last moment together, possibly forever. Axel couldn’t let go of Roxas’ hand.

“Well, I gotta go,” Roxas started, staring at their hands, and giving Axel a squeeze.

“Are we gonna see each other again?” Axel could hardly breathe while he waited for an answer.

Roxas played with Axel’s fingers and swung their hands a tiny bit. Eyes eventually lifted. “You still got your penguin?”

Axel nodded.

“Then, yeah. We’ll see each other again.”

He wasn’t completely sure how to feel about that. But _hopeful_ did spring to mind. With the dread out of his system and the mention of the keepsake, his memory jolted to life, “Oh, Rox, can I… I want you to have this—” with his free hand he dug around his jacket pocket and pulled out the photograph he had previously kept in his locker. Seeing Roxas so anxious that evening had given him bad vibes, and he had pocketed the photograph just in case. Well, now was _the case_.

Roxas took the photo and looked at it for a long while. A range of emotions from happy to sad passed over his face. Shimmering eyes looked up at Axel, “Did you steal it?”

“Me? Never. I asked politely first.”

Roxas gave a laugh but looked even sadder. He dove in for another hug, squeezing Axel’s rib cage tight, before pushing up and pressing a small kiss to Axel’s cheek. He dropped back down and stepped out of the hug. Voice was brittle and quivered, “Thank you, for everything.”

Axel brushed a hand through blond hair, savoring the way Roxas leaned into his touch. He rubbed and gently scratched at Roxas’ scalp and then pushed errant tufts of blond away from eyes. “You’re welcome.”

They looked at each other. The urge to kiss was only rising; Axel fought it. “Since you’ve got that one, can I take another one of us?”

Roxas looked at the photo he was still holding, before quickly pocketing it, and nodding. “Yeah, sure.”

Despite the promise of this _not_ being goodbye, Axel felt overwhelmingly sad. He wasn’t sure how he would muster up a smile for the photograph, but he was going to try. Axel swung around to stand next to Roxas, pulled out his phone and swiped around until he got to his camera. He leaned down, arm around Roxas. “Say Kingdom,” Axel sang out the cheesy line.

Suddenly, lips were on his as he snapped the photo. Arm dropped, and Axel went with it, letting Roxas push inside his mouth. Desire swelled in his chest and pricked his skin.

They kissed deeply. Roxas’ fingers dug into Axel and held him with great intensity. They moaned and whimpered into each other’s mouths, and then, as quick as it had begun it was over. Roxas wiped at his mouth, picked up his hat, which had fallen off his head at some point, and gave a far too energetic, “I’ll see you around, Axel.”

“Catch ya later, buddy,” he waved while his heart broke, watching Roxas don the cap and slip out of the back alley, to heaven knows what kind of a home life.

Axel stood, all alone, his heart pounding, and his hand still clutching his phone. He lifted it to see what kind of a photo he had taken. It was blurry. The back of Roxas’ head filled most of the image and Axel’s surprised eyes peeked just over the top of the tilted head.

Objectively it was a terrible photo, but to Axel, it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know Axel had to wait three weeks to see Roxas again, and I know it's been three weeks since I last updated this story. I'll try and make sure you guys aren't left waiting like the characters in my stories in future updates :p
> 
> But yeah... here you have it. A tonne of backstory and explanation. Hope it's satisfactory.
> 
> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Beautiful Disaster](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmcdK9IKZsY) by Kelly Clarkson  
> [Photograph](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgmXPCX4VzU) by Ed Sheeran.


	9. The Happy Bubble and the Drowning Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas is living a very conflicted existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains footnotes. I'm starting to use them now. I'll use them very sparingly. It's just if there is something that needs mentioning or referencing. I've had footnotes in my past fic for songs but not using the correct superscript. Maybe if I ever feel bored I'll go back and correct this.
> 
> I am following [THIS GUIDE](http://teekettle.tumblr.com/post/126920988304/live-example-my-ao3-skins-while-ao3-has-a) though I can't get the html and linking working properly so sadly you won't be able to click the footnote to be taken down to the note to read the comment - but if you hover your mouse over it you should be able to see a floating text box. If anyone tries footnotes for their own fics and you get the hyperlinking working, please get in touch and tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can get it working as intended.
> 
> Also, explicit content below.

The ache in his belly and tightness in his chest didn’t leave him. It only became worse the further he hurried away from the alley and the man he was too attached to. Roxas had come for comfort, for a compelling need to see, and be with, and feel Axel. He had achieved all of that, but instead of filling him up, he felt hollower. It seemed so obvious what he should do. And yet, despite what his body and mind were telling him, he couldn’t let go of Vanitas.

Vanitas was his only real choice. He had only known Axel for three short months, and out of that time, only spent a few fleeting days with him at best. He couldn’t risk tossing aside all he knew, had, and loved, for a short-lived crush. Because that’s what this was – just a crush. Nothing more. But it still hurt so damn much.

Roxas got home in record time, spurred on by the dread of what state he would find his phone in. Sofa pillows were tossed aside before he scrounged around his work desk, looking for his phone because that’s surely where he had misplaced it, under mountains of soft inlay and leather. At last, he found it, in the top drawer of his desk. Cheshire leapt onto his lap and made herself comfortable as Roxas’ heart sank at the three missed calls displayed on the screen.

There were no messages. Brilliant. That meant Vanitas was pissed. Roxas yanked his hat off, discarding it onto the floor and rubbed hands through his hair, before resting his elbows on the desk and holding his head, woefully. He should call Vanitas… but he wanted to have a relatively peaceful evening.

Mind lost focus. The scent of Axel was still clinging to his clothes. He’d have to wash everything in the morning, but for now, he inhaled deeply. There was a calm which ran through him, and a smile which appeared effortlessly when Axel came to mind. It was no different, even now, despite the awful circumstances which had taken him to the bar tonight.

He had shown and told Axel far more than he had ever planned to. He had feared the response, but in those moments of being so close to him, of feeling so cared for, he had let it out. And Axel had seemed to understand at the very end. The thought of Axel acknowledging how hard this was for him brought tears back to Roxas’ eyes. Axel’s very existence put before him an impossible choice. Not for the first time that night, or even for the first time since he had met Axel, he wished he could choose the impossible.

Roxas was torn, and the tears he shed did nothing to mend him. He felt sorry for himself, but the steady purr on his lap went a considerable way in soothing him. Roxas reached for his breast pocket, pulling out the photograph Axel had stolen for him. He sputtered with tears and laughter, and ran a finger over the image, wishing to feel Axel’s warm skin, to no avail.

He was glued to that photograph – for how long he couldn’t say. He thought about what had led up to them being at the café and the discomfort of that meeting. Roxas had gone in with one intention but had come out with something completely different. Somehow things seemed to always be made right again when he and Axel talked and listened to one another.

It was so _different_ from being with Vanitas. _Axel_ was so different.

Fingers went to lips. He couldn’t believe he had kissed Axel like that – yet again. He couldn’t believe he had stopped. Axel’s gesture with the photograph had meant so much. Roxas didn’t want to forget. Even if this period in his life was to be relegated to the history books, Roxas wanted to keep it as a living history and a warm memory, and the photograph would go some way in doing that.

He pulled opened the bottom drawer of his sewing desk and picked up a small wooden box. He fiddled with the chain around his neck, fishing out the key it held and slotted it into the lock of the box, smoothly. Latch flicked open with a satisfying click and Roxas carefully, lovingly, opened the lid. This was the one item he had which was all his. He shared everything with Vanitas, but the box was special. It housed his most precious memories.

There were photographs of his parents, and the friends he had left behind in Atlantica. He had Lucifer’s old bell and collar in there and it would also house Cheshire’s, once she was gone. The very first photograph he ever took of Vanitas and himself, as little kids, was in there too. And the first photo of them as boyfriends. He liked to pull them out and look at them when things got really bad between the two of them, so he could remind himself of how things used to be – of how they _would_ be again one day.

But the most recent things in there now were a little lonely penguin, watching over its marble egg, the plastic stirring stick from the first ever drink that Axel had made him, the napkin floor plan of their bar, and it would now also house this photograph.

He went to place it face-down into the box, so as to protect the image, but stopped. There was something scribbled on the back, in what seemed to be Axel’s poor handwriting.

* * *

_Fall in love with someone who wants you, who waits for you. Who understands you even in the madness, someone who helps you, guides you, someone who is your support, your hope. Fall in love with someone who talks to you after a fight. Fall in love with someone who misses you and wants to be with you. Do not fall in love with a body or with a face, or with the idea of being in love._ [1]

* * *

Roxas read it over and over again. By the fourth pass, his vision had become too blurry to read it anymore. He put it in his box and locked it away.

* * *

 

Roxas awoke with a dehydration headache the next day. It hadn’t been the best night’s rest, what with him worrying about having been caught out, and having to face the music today.

He hated lying to Vanitas. He did it as little as possible, choosing to avoid topics and deflecting to other subjects wherever warranted. But as he reached for his phone and pulled it away from its charging cable, he knew he’d have to full-out lie today. It was for both their sakes. He was so sick of hurting Vanitas with his impulsive, selfish decisions. Vanitas didn’t deserve to worry and stress. He only wanted Roxas safe after all – and for Roxas to be faithful – which he was… he definitely was. From now on he would be.

Roxas sighed and hit the speed dial key to call the only number he had in his phone. It was ridiculous – all the restrictions on his phone. At the time of Vanitas proposing it, it had seemed sensible. But now…

_“Oh, so you do know how to use your phone,”_ Vanitas drawled.

“I’m sorry, I–”

_“Were you having a hissy fit? Because of your wrists? I already apologized for that. What more do you want?”_

“I’m sorry. It’s not that.”

_“Then what?”_

“I just had my phone on silent.”

_“Why didn’t you pick up the landline then?”_

“I–” _Oh crap_. “–didn’t hear it.”

_“Didn’t hear it? It’s pretty fucking loud, last time I checked.”_

_‘Of course,_ Vanitas would have checked,’ Roxas thought, begrudgingly. “I was in the shower.” That explanation never failed, right?

_“For three hours?”_

“Then I fell asleep with my earbuds in. I’m sorry, Van. I called as soon as I woke up and saw.”

There was silence as Vanitas deliberated. _“You shouldn’t sleep with those in. You’ll get an ear infection,”_ he said, far gentler.

Roxas hummed, a smile tugging at lips and a flutter in his chest.

_“How are you anyway? I was calling to ask about your wrists.”_

“Oh. I’m fine. They’re a bit bruised but otherwise all good.” He looked at the dark blue bands around his wrists. He felt tender when he twisted his hands and flexed his fingers.

_“I am sorry about that.”_

At least he sounded sincere. “I know, you said.”

_“You shouldn’t make me so angry, Roxas.”_

Stomach dropped. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

Vanitas sighed. _“You can make it up to me when I get home tomorrow.”_

Roxas rolled his eyes and hummed in acknowledgment.

_“I gotta get ready for work.”_

“Okay. I miss–”

Vanitas hung up.

“You.” Roxas threw his phone down onto the mattress. He felt exhausted. Having to be a certain way around Vanitas – making sure he said the right things and acted the right way – was tiring. He groaned, feeling frustrated and irritated. He hated feeling this way. He hated thinking this way. Being around Axel did that to him – it confused him. It complicated how he felt about himself – about Vanitas – about what he was doing. It had never been this way before Axel came along.

Being with Axel was like floating in a bubble of happiness and bliss. Roxas forgot himself and his life when he was with Axel. He did what felt right and felt good in that moment. And then, when he was forced back to reality he was greeted by a deep hole, and what he found down there… if he looked too closely it frightened him. Difficult thoughts surfaced. Feelings of injustice and annoyance bubbled. Life felt unfair – how Vanitas treated him was unfair. But he deserved it. He told himself as much – Vanitas told him as much – Axel didn’t think so, though.

Another long growl of frustration left Roxas. He got up and on with his day. He served up breakfast for himself and Cheshire, then did some exercise. It was gentle yoga today, which was always Roxas’ favorite, as Cheshire intruded upon him every chance she could. And after that some much needed alone time in the shower.

Hot water trickling down his body and the prattle, as it hit the walls and ground was soothing. Roxas used a generous amount of body wash to lather himself up, especially around his penis.

He didn’t make masturbation a daily habit but did find himself wanting to do it more frequently the days following meetings with Axel. Roxas always tried not to think about his friend but managed to fail at it miserably most days. His orgasm was always better and more satisfying when his mind was on the other man. It was another very good indicator to himself that he needed to put an end to it.

Afterward, he was left with a clearer mind and went to his workroom to get on with sewing. He could literally spend hours in there by himself, making patterns and working with test fabrics to see what worked best. And part of the appeal was the fact that Vanitas respected Roxas’ privacy, for the most part, when he was in there with his door closed, and earbuds in.

Roxas pulled out his A2 sized sketchbook filled with drawings and reference materials and flipped through it. He did it mostly out of habit, for he knew what he wanted to work on and wasn’t in need of inspiration. He flipped to the leather section, pushed the book aside and got out the photograph from yesterday out of his box.

His favorite project at the moment was the leather jacket he had been planning on making for Axel, to replace his old tatty one. Roxas knew he shouldn’t be because the very process of working on this item got him thinking about the other man. But he wanted to repay Axel’s kindness. The reaction Roxas had gotten over the nightclub floor plan had been completely overwhelming, and Roxas wanted to create one more moment of happiness for the both of them before calling it quits – because he _would_ have to end it… eventually. And he thought this item would go some way to getting much-needed closure to this brief chapter of his life.

Roxas had been slowly working on this project for weeks now and hadn’t been getting anywhere with it. He also wasn’t getting anywhere with it right now, because he was stuck looking at the photograph of them sitting together. He forced himself to stop staring and fantasizing about Axel’s warmth, and voice, and smile, and smell, and touch, and instead looked at the jacket Axel wore.

He wanted to replicate it, but also add his own touches to it, so he needed to inspect the detail of it. But once more he just looked at Axel’s face and their body contact and tried to remember what it had felt like.

Cheshire pounced onto his lap, curious to see what had Roxas so transfixed.

“It’s Axel and me at the café I told you about. It was the day after the zoo when I… got stupid and upset.” That outing to the zoo had been amazing. His stomach still fluttered imagining Axel sucking on him. Roxas groaned. He probably should never have accepted the drinks Axel had offered to make him, that long-ago Friday night… but man, how glad he was that he had done just that.

Cheshire headbutted the photograph and then tried to get it between her paws.

“No, don’t do that. I’ll play with you later, promise. I’ve got work to do now.” He gently dropped her back to the ground, grabbed a pencil with the intention of doing a few sketches, but inadvertently got lost in memories of warm embraces, supportive encouragement, and genuinely fun experiences. His soul ached. And then he turned the photograph over, needing a break. He had forgotten that there was writing on the back – which he then read – and it got his head right off topic once more.

A part of himself wanted to give in to reckless abandon. A part of him wished he had let Axel finish his sentence the first night they had danced together – wished he had been more affectionate the second night on the roof. Dreamed about the alternative if he hadn’t panicked when they had made out. He wanted to be with Axel so bad but… Vanitas.

Axel wouldn’t want him. Not for long. No way. Roxas was so much trouble. He did everything wrong – couldn’t stick to his principles and goals – couldn’t finish the degree he had set his heart on. Roxas couldn’t look after himself – couldn’t hold down a job – couldn’t keep Vanitas happy.

Keeping Vanitas happy _was_ a full-time job.

He squashed down that thought and sighed heavily, scratching Cheshire behind her ears. “Why can’t I forget him, Cheshy?” She looked up and meowed, demanding more affection, which he freely gave.

“He’s no good for me. I can’t risk everything to be with a guy I don’t really know, can I?”

He looked at yellow eyes, which gave away no answers. “Van looks after me – after you. He knows how I get. He can tolerate me. He sets me straight. But Axel…” his stomach knotted. “It would be so exciting,” he whispered.

And this was the part where he felt he should break into song, to expel his inner turmoil about being stuck between two very difficult choices. But he wasn’t a Disney Princess, so Roxas had to put a stop to his stupid thoughts. He was just lonely and starved for affection. That’s clearly all it was. If he could just figure out how to make Vanitas forgive him for all the bad he had done in the past, then they would go back to being how they had once been. Those happy snaps in his box could be recreated and added to.

But then, that in itself wasn’t a nice thought to have. Yes, things had changed, but Vanitas still _was_ affectionate… in his own way… when it suited him. Vanitas cared for him. Vanitas looked after him… Vanitas had made Roxas reliant on him – kept Roxas from expanding his horizons. _No_ , Vanitas just cared _too_ much. That’s all it was. He loved Roxas so much that he just wanted to keep him close. Very close. And that was fine, because they were destined to be together. For what were the chances of them meeting again after so many years? And having an instant connection and chemistry. But what were the chances of meeting a sexy redhead, completely out of his league? And hitting it off, _and_ finding out they had lived in almost a stone’s throw from each other in the past?

He pushed Axel out of his head. Instead, he focused on Vanitas, recalling the first two years of their relationship. Those years had been electric. Roxas’ body buzzed at the faint memory. Surely what they once had could be rekindled, if Roxas stopped messing up – if he could be enough – do what was expected of him – and most of all, stop disappointing Vanitas.

He sighed and covered the photograph with his hand. Ever since they had moved to this city, the sense of failure and disappointment that Roxas was to Vanitas had grown – the sense of failure he was to everyone and everything, really. Roxas had never been great at things. He had let his parents, himself, and Vanitas down numerous times. He supposed he had hoped the move to a new city might have meant things changed. He had hoped that the bad memories which seemed to plague Vanitas and himself could be erased and new, happy memories could be planted in their stead.

It had felt so promising – Vanitas letting Roxas move a full three weeks before Vanitas was going to come and join him – though Vanitas _did_ come over a week earlier than had been expected in the end. But still, Vanitas had said he was okay with Roxas going out to see Unsaid Velvet, and he had been okay with Roxas going out to see other things too. Though that thought made Roxas uncomfortable again, because of all the half-truths he had told Vanitas when the barrage of questions had been flung his way.

_‘Why’re you going there all by yourself?’_  
_‘Why would you want to do that?’_  
_‘You’ve never been interested in museums before’_  
_‘Wouldn’t you rather wait for me to go to the zoo with you?’_

Roxas had not been able to explain that he had made friends, because friends that weren’t _Vanitas’ friends_ weren’t friends that Roxas was allowed to see. And thinking about this in that instance made Roxas irritated. He had hoped that things would change with the move. But they hadn’t. And he had known from the very moment he had slid onto that bar stool and accepted Axel’s invitation to have drinks, that he had doomed himself.

Roxas didn’t think himself oblivious. Dumb maybe, but certainly not oblivious. He had seen Axel looking at him all evening and, feeling a bit reckless and energized at the freedom he had been granted, had decided to walk over… just to have a glass of water and maybe get a closer look at his admirer. Because it had been such a long time, and such a thrilling idea to have someone so attractive show a possible interest in tired, ugly, short-ass Roxas, with all his massive flaws, causing him to never amount to anything and having to mooch off his boyfriend in order to live. It still baffled Roxas that anyone besides his childhood friend should look at him once, let alone twice.

Some days Roxas felt sorry for Vanitas for having gotten stuck with him. Maybe that’s what had prompted Vanitas to find some attention elsewhere? Roxas was terrible after all, so he couldn’t blame his boyfriend for it. He always made Vanitas worry – even when there had been nothing to worry about. Clearly, Roxas wasn’t to be trusted. All the past nothings seemed to have all led up to the present _something_.

But how? Roxas felt bewildered over Axel being into him. And yet… Roxas was glad for it, because he, in turn, was so, _so_ deeply into Axel. The man was like a flame, and Roxas a moth. He had done horrendously stupid think-with-your-dick things. Because the only consequence had been a shattering of his morality. Normally, that was something Roxas did hold onto quite highly, but when Axel was around Roxas wanted to throw everything out the window – and his naked self at an equally naked Axel.

Roxas pushed the photograph away and groaned into the palm of his hand as he rubbed at his face. His thoughts were visiting the gutter again. Roxas didn’t know how to cure himself of his Axel affliction. He hoped he could find a way to say goodbye to the man. All he needed to do was finish the jacket and then… and then Roxas would have only one man in his heart and mind. The name of whom was hard to come by. So, he got up and fetched a cold glass of water, after which he returned to his workspace to focus on drawing, planning, and experimenting with the various fabrics at his disposal.

* * *

 

Several hours passed in which Roxas got nothing done at all. His mind wandered for a good portion of it and some hefty procrastination had taken place. He had ended up browsing the internet to see what was on at Organization 13 that night, so he could play out in his mind what Axel might get up to. When he saw that another cool band was playing, the urge to go out rose. But he dismissed it from his mind and got back to fiddling around with things.

At some point, Roxas’ phone chimed. He picked it up and wedged it between his ear and shoulder.

“Hi Van.”

_“Hey, what’re you doing?”_

“Re-threading the machine. You?”

_“About to walk into a meeting. Just called to say sorry for being grumpy this morning.”_

It made him smile. “It’s okay. I called pretty early. I know you don’t work well before your coffee.”

Vanitas chuckled. _“Yeah. You had lunch yet?”_

“No.”

_“Go eat something, you workaholic.”_

Roxas laughed. “Bit rich coming from you.”

_“Well, you’re supposed to be better than me, so I can live up to the shining example you represent.”_

“Whoops. I’ll fix the situation just as soon as I finish getting the bobbin in.”

_“She being a finicky bitch again?”_

“Yeah. But I’ll get it sorted.” Roxas kept pushing the bobbin, waiting to hear the much sought-after _click_.

_“I’ll buy you a new model for your birthday.”_

“You don’t have to.”

_“Nah, I will. You’ve had this one for years now.”_

“Well, if you insist, I won’t say no.”

_“Good. Don’t forget to eat.”_

“Okay. I’ll get on it as soon as I finish this.”

_“All right. But don’t forget.”_

“I won’t. Oh, hey, uh – can I ask you a quick something?” Since Vanitas was feeling generous Roxas didn’t see the harm in asking.

_“I guess. Make it a very quick-quick.”_

“Can I…” he swallowed. Maybe this would be a bad idea after all. “Go to Organization 13 tonight?”

_“What. Why?”_

Roxas’ hope evaporated at that tone of voice. “Flight of the Cats is playing.”

_“No.”_

“Please,” Roxas tried.

_“No. We talked about this. Have you forgotten already?”_

Roxas looked at the bruises which were darker than they had been that morning and still ached. At least Vanitas couldn’t do anything to him over the phone, so he pushed, “No, but I really wanna—”

_“I said no. I’ll take you tomorrow.”_

“They’re only there tonight.”

_“I’ll take you next time they’re around.”_

“But Van—”

_“It’s a no, Roxas. I gotta go.”_ The dial tone sounded.

Roxas dropped his phone, not caring about where it landed. It was this sort of authoritarian dictatorship which got under Roxas’ skin the most. He didn’t see why it was a problem to go out for a good time. He didn’t understand Vanitas’ objections to things and was having a harder time seeing the sense in Vanitas’ actions and reasoning. Maybe Roxas was even experiencing a slight rebellious streak of late. It’s why he had gone to see Axel yesterday… well, that, and after what had happened, Roxas had really needed some comfort in his life.

He smacked the bobbin, which finally clicked in place, and caused a sharp pain to shoot up his arm. Screw Vanitas. Screw saying goodbye. Roxas was going to see Axel tonight, and dance with him to awesome music. He didn’t even care if any of Vanitas’ spies saw him. He just wanted the ache in his chest to go away.

* * *

 

By the time 5pm rolled around, Roxas was in a state of undress, deciding what look to go for tonight. He loved it when Vanitas was out of town, because he could wear whatever he chose. Most of his go-to items were things he had made himself. Even the plainer clothes were things he had created. It was easier than spending hours trying to find things to fit his frame at shopping malls.

He was debating whether or not to throw on a black mesh top he had laying around – because he would love to see Axel’s reaction to it. That thought went nowhere as his ringtone went off, somewhere beneath the pile of discarded clothes.

Roxas dropped everything and went diving for the offending piece of technology. He should have kept it close on hand because Vanitas calling three times in a day was far from unheard of. In fact, the man must have been rather busy at work to not have called or texted Roxas _more_.

“Hi, Van. How’d the meeting go? Did you have a good day?”

_“Yeah, meetings are meetings. We got everything sorted, so the day went as well as could be expected. I’m getting ready to fly out. I’ll be at the airport by ten-thirty.”_

His insides clamped together. “What, tonight?”

_“Yeah. I don’t like this stinking hotel room. Come meet me at terminal four.”_

Well, there went all of Roxas’ plans. “I’m really tired.”

_“So am I, but I’m coming back for you. The least you could do is meet me.”_

“I don’t have money for a cab,” he said, fishing for excuses as he wondered if he could still quickly sneak out and get back before Vanitas arrived home.

_“What happened to the hundred you had from your last job?”_

He hated conflict with Vanitas. “I used it when I went out touring the city that first week,” he mumbled down the phone.

_“Maybe you shouldn’t have been so reckless with your spending.”_

They had argued about money in the past. It never ended well for Roxas, so he let it drop. “Well, I can’t really change that now, can I?”

The sigh rolled through the phone line. _“I just need you to think about the future before you do dumb things.”_

Roxas frowned at the pile of clothes and stared longingly at the black top he wanted to wear for Axel. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

_“Just take the bus. You’ve got the travel card I gave you, don’t you?”_

Roxas cursed that Vanitas seemed to have an answer to everything. “Yeah, but the airport’s two hours away by public transport. And it’s gonna be late. There are all kinds of weirdos in the city at night.”

All concern was disregarded as Vanitas said, _“Public transport’s super safe. You’re gonna be safer on a bus with strangers than with one guy alone in a cab anyway.”_

The longer this went on for, the more distaste Roxas had for the idea. He wanted to go out… and not out in this sort of a way. “But it’s a bus and a train and then another bus.”

_“Roxas. I didn’t ‘have’ to come home tonight, but I changed my plans just for ‘you’. You could ‘at least’ show some appreciation.”_ The guilt was rife. It was _always_ the guilt.

Had Roxas asked for Vanitas to come home early though? No. Would Vanitas get angry and upset if Roxas pointed this out to him? Yes.“Of course. I’m sorry. I know you worked hard all day and that all you wanna do is rest. Traveling is a lot of effort.”

_“It is. I gotta go. I’ll see you at ten-thirty.”_

Roxas slumped down on their bed, feeling defeated. He had built the evening up in his mind so much so that any deviation from the plan was crushing. He did the math in his head – an hour to tidy up and find something to stuff in his mouth for dinner, as well as feed Cheshire something other than dried kibble. Fifteen minutes to the bus stop, to catch the six-thirty bus. Then he’d arrive, after many stops and changes, at the airport sometime between eight-thirty and nine. Roxas would have an hour and a half to kill before Vanitas’ flight arrived. That was an hour and a half he could spend with Axel instead. Roxas shut down the surge of excitement. He knew better. Vanitas could be early. It had happened before. It was probably better to get there before the designated time. Roxas didn’t trust himself to keep to only spending an hour with Axel anyway. The man was much too fun, and time would surely get away from him.

So, with a burdened sigh, he resigned himself to his duty and began packing up all his things, bar for the very plainest clothes, which he would get dressed in to collect Vanitas. His boyfriend only liked the both of them getting dressed up if it was for something special, like a night out, which it wasn’t to be tonight.

Begrudgingly, he got on with getting ready.

* * *

 

Two hours was a long time to travel. Two hours was a long time to _think_ , and sadly, the thoughts contained nothing good for too long. He day-dreamed what the outing with Axel would have been like, which left him feeling dissatisfied. And then he worked himself into a heated state thinking about Vanitas coming home early on purpose – but not because he _missed_ Roxas. No, he was on his way home, so he could stop Roxas from going out and having a good night without him. The idea that Roxas might not need Vanitas was probably too horrendous for the man to bear. Having Roxas be free to choose was too horrible to bear because… because some days Roxas was so damn close to not choosing Vanitas – so close to forgetting and letting go of the past.

Some days, Roxas was so tired of holding on to all the baggage. Some days, it felt like that was all that Vanitas was; a past guilt which Roxas had entombed himself with. He didn’t want to live out his days dying and decaying. He wanted to live, be free, have fun, be loved, and to love in return.

Thinking these things irritated him further. He felt annoyed with himself for throwing away all the good memories he had with Vanitas. He hated himself for letting Axel get under his skin, especially all the stuff the man had said to him yesterday. He cursed himself for not having listened to Vanitas. He should never have gone out yesterday. He deserved his boyfriend’s wrath. It hadn’t been unwarranted, because despite the physical reminder to not go out, Roxas had still disobeyed. Maybe he deserved stronger punishment. Maybe he’d learn his lesson then. Maybe he should tell Vanitas he disobeyed him. Maybe the consequence would then stop Roxas from craving Axel’s company.

Or it would have the complete opposite effect.

These thoughts carried him all the way to his final destination.

Roxas sat around at Terminal 4 and waited. Ten o’clock came and went. Ten-thirty also flitted past. No Vanitas. Roxas paced around the waiting area, watching people come out in droves, as various airplanes landed.

Pacing eventually ended and he sat, fuming internally. It didn’t even cross his mind that maybe Vanitas’ flight got delayed, or that something bad had happened to him. Picking a later flight – but telling Roxas to be there early – was _such_ a Vanitas thing to do.

He could have been having fun with Axel. Axel would never stand him up and lie to him like this to stop him from having a good time. Axel would let him do what he wanted. Axel would – Roxas stomped his foot against the ground. He had to stop his maddening thoughts because they were leading him down a path he couldn’t go. He closed his eyes and worked on visualizing what he needed to work on to get the jacket made.

Some time passed before a touch on the shoulder made his eyes open. Head swiveled slightly until he found Vanitas smiling down at him.

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“Wasn’t asleep.” Bitterness wavered at the sight of his boyfriend. Roxas rose and instinctively wrapped arms around Vanitas’ waist. Arms wound around his shoulders and they exchanged a warm hug. The physical contact did wonders to melt the indignation.

“Sorry I’m so late, Roxas. The flight was overbooked so I gave up my seat.”

They pulled apart and looked at each other.

“That’s very nice of you,” he smiled sweetly and for the briefest nano-second, Roxas actually allowed himself to believe Vanitas. “What time is it?” He looked around, searching for a clock.

“Eleven-thirty. C’mon, let’s get a cab home.”

His wrist was grabbed. Roxas winced and flinched against the pain but managed to keep the cry inside.

“Oh sorry. It doesn’t still hurt, does it?” Vanitas released Roxas and interlaced their fingers instead.

“No. It’s fine,” Roxas tried to get out as evenly as he could because he didn’t need Vanita to lecture him on how this was all his fault

They walked to the taxi ranks, while Roxas teetered between blind acceptance of Vanitas’ excuse for the delay, and infuriated mental accusations of what a liar he was and how he was hurting Roxas on purpose. They got a cab instantly and headed off. Roxas was tired, hungry, sore, and pissed off, so he sulked, leaning head against the window, staring out at a glowing nightscape and car headlights streaking past. Roxas turned to take a look at Vanitas, sitting by the other window seat. The cold blue light of his phone illuminated Vanitas’ face. He looked deep in concentration – probably still sending work emails and preparing for next week’s work.

Roxas exhaled somewhat noisily. Eyes, such a light hazel they almost looked yellow, flickered over to him before returning back to the screen. Roxas had loved Vanitas’ eyes once upon a time. Now they just left him feeling cold inside. He looked back out the window, yearning for green.

They trudged up the stairs of their apartment building. Exhaustion made Roxas’ heels drag so much so that he collapsed onto the sofa when they got inside. Cheshire was on him in an instant, pawing into his back and making herself comfortable.

Vanitas shuffled around their apartment before he spoke, “We can go see that band now if you want.”

Roxas dragged his head up to look at the LCD display on their TV cabinet unit. 01:08 am glowed in blue. “No point. They wrapped up half an hour ago.” Head slammed back into the soft upholstery.

“Shame.”

_‘Yeah right,’_ he thought bitterly. “Doesn’t matter. I’m tired anyway. Good night, Van.” Roxas resigned himself to sleeping on the sofa. He was too spent to move.

“But you promised to make it up to me,” the voice drew closer.

Exhaustion sat heavily on him. “Can’t it wait until morning?”

“You know I’m not a morning person. C’mere Roxas.” Purring warmth pounced off Roxas as firm touch ran up his back, to shoulders, and down one arm. A finger went under his sleeve and rubbed across the bruise before his hand was grasped. Roxas grumbled as he was pulled to his feet.

“I don’t know what you’re so tired for. Not like you did anything today anyway.”

Roxas said nothing, he just looking away with tilted head, sighing in exasperation. Arms wound around Roxas’ waist, pulling them together, whereupon kisses were trailed up his pale neck, to his jaw, and then onto slightly chapped lips. “I’m so hungry for you, babe,” Vanitas rumbled as he pulled away and walked towards their bedroom, tugging Roxas along.

Once they passed the threshold, Vanitas closed the door before Cheshire could come in. He stood before Roxas, kissing his neck, and thumbs hooked into the waistband of Roxas’ jeans.

Roxas breathed Vanitas in. He smelt of mint and licorice, a wholly familiar but ultimately unappealing smell to Roxas. Axel always smelt warm and sweet. Roxas shook the thought from his head and got to unbuttoning Vanitas’ vest and business shirt, while kisses continued to accost and prickle his skin.

Roxas lost his shirt to it being pulled up and off, just before Vanitas shrugged out of his now unbuttoned garment. Vanitas kissed Roxas’ chest, pushing him backward until the backs of his legs bumped the bed. Roxas was pushed down and unbuttoned his pants, as Vanitas did the same to his business slacks. Pants and underwear were pushed down, and then Vanitas yanked off Roxas’, throwing them to the floor somewhere behind himself.

Vanitas then climbed on top of Roxas, planting another kiss on his lips and with it, pushing Roxas’ head down against the mattress. Tongue intruded, diving in deep. Roxas hooked his legs around Vanitas’ backside, pulling him gently against himself. At least his body was hot, and a semi-hard erection pressed against Roxas’ thigh. Roxas’ own penis was slowly coming to life. Not because he was turned on, but merely because the idea of sex had that effect on that part of his anatomy.

Roxas would actually prefer to not get an erection because he knew he’d have to tend to it himself… which he was perfectly capable of doing in the shower, so he didn’t see the point of having sex. He mentally kicked his pessimistic self. Why couldn’t he just be in the moment and enjoy?

He tried to focus on the warm body against him, and on Vanitas’ mouth working over his body. He tried to ignore the sting when Vanitas grabbed his wrists roughly, bringing them to his mouth and leaving gentle kisses. What was the point? Vanitas was just negating the gentle caring effect with the rough handling of Roxas’ body.

“You’re so beautiful,” Vanitas murmured between kisses.

Roxas was really too tired for this. “Push into me, Van. I want you,” he stated, hoping it would get the ball rolling.

A few kisses later and hands were dropped. Vanitas dismounted Roxas, reaching over to the bedside stand where they kept the lubricant and condoms. He flicked Roxas a wrapper and they both spent a few moments putting them on.

Vanitas returned, with slickened fingers. Roxas, well versed in their lovemaking, rolled himself over and stuck his rear up in the air a little. Vanitas slapped his backside with his clean hand and rubbed a lubricated digit against Roxas’ sphincter.

It felt nice. Roxas pushed into it and Vanitas’ finger entered, which pressed around a little before the second finger entered abruptly, and then a third. Vanitas was far too impatient for foreplay. Always had been. Roxas had appreciated his no-nonsense attitude to sex when they had first started to date because Roxas had wanted all the sex right then and there. But now, as things got less exciting with familiarity, he wished for a slow buildup of anticipation before the payoff.

It’s not like he had never asked Vanitas to do certain things or told him what felt nice. But Vanitas had his own way of doing things, which included Roxas. And after so many years of instructing, asking, and begging with no change in sight, Roxas had given up, and now it was too awkward to try and change anything.

His anus was stretched. Roxas breathed deep to relax. The fingers left his body, and his cavity was almost instantly filled again with slippery, hot, firm flesh. Even with the minimal stretching, it still stung and took Roxas’ breath away a fraction. A few thrusts and everything was right again.

Vanitas grabbed Roxas’ hands, threading his fingers in between the knuckles and pushed their hands firmly into the mattress at either side of Roxas’ head. Hands squeezed. Bed shook. Vanitas thumped into Roxas’ backside, letting the odd grunt escape.

Sometimes, Roxas felt like a sex doll. That feeling was only interrupted occasionally when a fortuitously ill-placed thrust brushed against his prostate. A shudder would breeze through his abdomen, and playfully tingle up his spine and shaft. It reminded him that sex was supposed to feel good. But at least it didn’t feel bad. It just _was,_ most days.

When Vanitas fucked him like this it was easy not to think of Axel. Roxas liked to imagine Axel touching him all over, experimenting with what felt nice and not so nice for Roxas. Like how he had made Roxas the drinks. He smiled into the mattress. Okay, so Roxas _did_ think of Axel when he was being fucked like this. He tried to shake the image. A part of him told himself that sex was just unexciting because Roxas’ head wasn’t in it. That if he were faithful to Vanitas, the both of them might enjoy it more, and it wouldn’t take his boyfriend forever to come. Never mind that this had been the status quo of their lovemaking for many years now.

He missed the days they came in under five minutes – they had timed each other. He missed it because they had been ready to go again ten minutes later, and they had been able to keep that up for several rounds. Roxas was often amazed they had managed to hand in assessments and projects on time when he was still enrolled in his courses.

A wistful sigh escaped while he was being rocked against the mattress.

“What’s the matter?” Vanitas inquired, continuing to thrust.

“Just thinking about how we got any assessments handed in on time back when we were studying.”

Vanitas chuckled and thrust harder. “I wish we had as much time now as we did back then, mmm.” Vanitas leaned down and bit the back of Roxas’ neck, pulling at skin a little as he lifted his head back up.

The hairs on Roxas’ arms prickled a little and his groin stirred. He tilted his head and made a kissing gesture at Vanitas with his lips. Vanitas leaned back down and kissed him with a growling moan.

Hands tightened and pushed. Skin slapped against skin as their pace picked up even more. Vanitas sunk teeth into Roxas’ shoulder, sucking, and biting. Breath came hard and fast. The bed creaked and groaned.

Roxas felt turned on by Vanitas for a change.

“Van, remember when we gave each other handjobs during that lecture on leadership theory?”

“Mmm, yeah,” Vanitas huffed with amusement. “Good thing fat Pete sat in front of us, blocking the view.”

“Wonder if our come’s still splattered on the underside of those desks,” Roxas laughed.

“We made such a mess.”

Roxas felt the smile on Vanitas’ face as a kiss was planted in between his shoulder blades.

Hands left Roxas’, traveling up his arms and to Roxas’ sides. Vanitas suddenly pulled out, hands coaxed Roxas to roll onto his back, and then they were looking at each other. Vanitas dove in for another deep kiss and pushed his erection back into Roxas, taking his breath away.

The rhythm was picked up again, but to Roxas’ great surprise, warmth surrounded his erection and moved in time to Vanitas’ thrusting. He couldn’t recall the last time this had happened, so understandably, a long, low moan seeped out of him.

Vanitas’ hand on him was electric, sparking the internal flames. Roxas gave himself over to his lover. He let Vanitas’ tongue do whatever it wished in his mouth. Vanitas’ free hand gripped his wrist tightly, but Roxas didn’t protest. He just stroked Vanitas’ flank with his other hand and gave himself over to the building tension in his core and shaft.

The tempo grew faster, Vanitas’ thrusts shallower. Roxas focused all his attention onto his penis, pushing up into Vanitas’ hand, trying to increase the friction before his boyfriend came and brought the night to a close.

Roxas wanted to come. He was desperate to come with Vanitas, but he could feel himself missing that extra bit of stimulation. His mind shamefully turned to red and green. To long fingers wrapped around him, and the pants and moans of, “Babe, fuck, baby,” being delivered in a far sultrier tone.

That, coupled with the suddenly tightening grip on his shaft as Vanitas came, did the trick. Roxas’ erection pulsated, and the building pressure was released with a groaning sigh. Roxas wrapped both arms around Vanitas’ damp back and held him close as they breathed harshly against one another.

It was some of the best sex Roxas had experienced in a long time. He only felt a little bit guilty for having let his mind wander elsewhere.

“And you said you were too tired,” came the exhausted chuckle as Vanitas rolled off.

They looked at each other with soft smiles. Chests rose and fell sharply.

“Nothing quite like sex to wake you up.”

Vanitas hummed and licked his lips. “I’m ready for sleep now, though.”

Roxas yawned, “Yeah, me too.”

Condoms were carefully discarded, and the bed was returned to. Vanitas had his back to Roxas and patted his side. Roxas scooched in against his boyfriend and wrapped arms and legs around, nuzzling into dark hair.

“Love you, Rox.”

“Love you too, Van,” he murmured against skin and left a small kiss. At that moment, he was content. At that moment, things felt like they had so long ago. Roxas savored it before the light of day stripped the warm afterglow of sex away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 \- I lifted that quote from a post I saw somewhere on Facebook ages ago. Just need to put that out there. It's not from me or Axel's own head.
> 
> POV shift. When I was writing this I had _such a hard time_ with this and subsequent chapters. Shifting from Axel to Roxas was hard but it had to be done to help me flesh out his character a lot more. Also, Roxas' journey is far more interesting, to me anyway, so you can definitely expect this POV for a lot of the remainder of the fic.


	10. Keepsake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas puts his energy into making and finishing Axel’s gift.

The next morning wasn’t so bad. Sex and sleep had improved Roxas’ mood considerably, and almost erased the crushing disappointment from having been forced to miss out on the night before. In fact, in the light of a new day, Roxas was actually grateful that Vanitas had come home early. It had more than likely saved him from doing something really dumb. Because it _would_ have happened. It _always_ seemed to happen. He knew he must be hurting Axel terribly – a thought which caused a sting behind his eyes – but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from going out and meeting with the other man when the opportunity presented itself.

It always amazed him how easily he got sucked into Axel’s vortex of niceness. That’s what he called it in his head. The man was a black hole, a siren song, a delicious red velvet cake, in desperate need to be eaten. As he lay in bed, Roxas felt the warm pleasantness of those thoughts flutter around in his body. A stirring next to him – a warm hand on his stomach – forced the door to slam shut in Roxas’ head. He rolled over and wrapped arms and legs around Vanitas, who yawned.

“Morning.” Vanitas’ voice scratched with sleep.

“Morning,” Roxas greeted and pressed a kiss to Vanitas’ collarbone.

What followed was their usual weekend routine; a predictable pattern of events. Weekends meant sleep-ins, and leisurely sit-down breakfasts by their kitchen bar counter. After which, it was time to do the commencing week’s grocery shopping. Even the way they shopped was very set in stone. Vanitas pushed the cart while Roxas went through aisle by aisle, collecting the ingredients Vanitas had listed.

By now, they were familiar enough with the supermarket that Vanitas was able to write all ingredients down in order of the aisle arrangements, which cut out pointless time spent meandering and backtracking.

Another very distinct thing was the contents of their shopping cart. They ate very healthily. Vanitas detested junk food, fast food, and sickly-sweet treats. His family’s fridge had been filled with nothing but highly processed foodstuffs when he was younger, and take-out had been an almost nightly occurrence. Roxas understood why his boyfriend was scarred for life. He also understood why Vanitas had tried to stay over at Roxas’ place for dinner as much as possible during their younger years; Roxas’ parents had always made home-cooked meals. Even now, he still remembered Vanitas’ shocked face on discovering that chicken came in other forms than just fried and that potatoes had actual shapes besides crinkle-cut and shoestring. So, they always ate and shopped for whole foods. It was fine, but Roxas always wistfully looked down the junk food and frozen dessert aisles as he passed them by.

Other than shopping, they did other thrilling things like tidy up their apartment. Vanitas was a bit of a neat freak. His parents had drilled it into him to always be tidy, so his neuroses didn’t allow them to go a weekend without dusting the top of the refrigerator, washing all the linen, descaling the kettle, and scrubbing the bathtub – even if it hadn’t been used.

Those were all chores that needed to be accomplished before the fun began. Weekend fun usually revolved around chilling out. They would talk about what had been happening at work for Vanitas, play some games with Cheshire, veg out on their sofa to watch stuff, and generally, the weekend just disappeared before Roxas was even fully aware of it, and that was all fine.

But this weekend was different. The days after he had spent any amount of time with Axel always felt different. The blissful life he had with Vanitas didn’t feel as rosy after he had been caught up in Axel’s orbit. Roxas hated himself for it. Hated that he couldn’t spend time with Axel and then just be at home afterward – happy.

The contented life he had seemed to unravel. Vanitas’ normally perfectly acceptable actions were tainted by ugly words not of Roxas’ own making. He had heard it all before, and not just from Axel. But it had never made any serious sense until Axel had come into his life, and until these specific bruises on his body, which were beginning to lighten around the edges.

This hadn’t been the first time that Vanitas had hurt him. This, in fact, was a pretty tame thing to have happen, but Roxas felt like this incident was the first where maybe, just _maybe_ , it had been intentional. He kept telling himself that it was a once off. An accident. It would never happen again. Roxas tried to tell himself he _wouldn’t_ let it happen again. That he would leave. He needed some standards after all. But a voice whispered to him, ‘ _Where would you go? What would you do?’_

A bubbling disquiet made his stomach churn at those thoughts and he ignored them. Everything was fine. He would never have to leave. They would work things out eventually. Roxas just needed to try harder.

But the voice also whispered, ‘ _How much harder can you try?’_ How responsible could Roxas really be for all that had happened in the past? It… wasn’t his fault. Those words said in that voice – so distinctly Axel’s – were like a salve, administered to his raw wounds. No one had ever said that to him before, because no one knew what had been happening in Roxas’ life, though given the feedback he had gotten from the times he did speak to family and friends, he figured they must all suspect.

That kind of thinking was just the tip of the iceberg. He was bothered by many other disquieting thoughts as well that weekend. By Sunday evening, he still had things floating around his head whilst he was snuggled up with Vanitas on their sofa. He wasn’t paying attention to what was happening on the television – not that it mattered because they were watching a movie he had no interest in. It only served to heighten all the unpleasant thoughts he had been having the last few days. 

Roxas liked action-adventure movies. He liked dumb, mindless blockbusters with loud explosions - not these think-piece dramas Vanitas was into. And whilst on the subject, Roxas also liked sweets, and hated being unreasonably tidy. He enjoyed long baths, reading books, dancing the night away, and not caring what people thought of him. Though he did care about what Vanitas thought of him. He cared about what he thought of himself, and maybe even a little about what Axel thought of him. But only a little.

He pawed at Vanitas’ stomach until Vanitas took notice and placed his hand on Roxas’ own. Roxas laced their fingers together and stared at their hands. He loved holding hands. Vanitas wasn’t too crash-hot on public displays of affection unless they were out partying - which was rare these last few years. When Roxas looked at their hands, all his mind wanted to do was replay quiet nights on a not-too-distant rooftop. A brush of fingertips, magnetically drawn to each other, and linking slender digits with his own.

His heart beat faster thinking back on the seductive tranquility that numbed his conscience every time he was alone with Axel. Roxas tried to tell himself time and time again that this attraction was only temporary. That he felt drawn to gorgeous eyes, sexy body, and ridiculously stunning hair because he was new, shiny, and not tainted with years of familiarity.

Logically, Roxas knew that to be the truth. But his heart did not want to listen on bad days, and sadly more commonly now, even on the good days. And that’s why he needed to change something. But it was difficult when his heart wasn’t in it.

He cuddled into the body next to himself. It all felt so different from how it had once been. The man he knew and loved had changed. Somewhere along the years, their interests and priorities seemed to have diverged. Vanitas had become far more preoccupied with status and outwardly appearances, which was something Roxas needed to conform with.

The current goth clubbing attire was a phase. Before that, they had gone out dressed like hipsters, buns and fake glasses included. Then before that had been a preppy look. Polos and sandals. Vanitas’ tastes seemed to change from season to season.

At first, it had been fun. They had always pretended to be other people, acting out roles, to see what would fit best. But somewhere along the way, Roxas had decided he had enough of pretending and just wanted to explore his own style. It had coincided with him finally really finding a passion for the business he had been shoehorned into pursuing.

That thought brought Axel to mind again, and his line of questioning on the roof. It had hit way too close to home. But he didn’t want to admit it to other people when he already had a hard enough time admitting it to himself.

As the movie ended and Vanitas began getting all handsy, Roxas wondered, not for the first or the last time, where it had all gone wrong for them. Was it that they didn’t communicate enough? Roxas didn’t think so. He had on many occasions told Vanitas what he wanted or how he liked things, particularly in the bedroom. But Saturday’s late-night sex session aside, Vanitas always did his own thing. He would no doubt be doing his own thing again tonight, leaving Roxas completely dissatisfied and needing a shower the next morning with his mind completely filled with green and red.

Roxas looked forward to Vanitas going back to work tomorrow.

* * *

 

The work week returned and with it, the opportunity for Roxas to get back to his hobby. Or just as soon as he completed any outstanding household chores. Despite all the cleaning that happened over the weekend there was still stuff to accomplish each day during the week, or Vanitas would be most unhappy when he got home.

He made the bed, aired out the rooms, swept, and did any prep work that was needed for the nightly dinner. When he was done he bummed around on Vanitas’ laptop, which they shared. There was always something fun, insightful, or inspiring to watch on streaming services. Roxas had taught himself everything he needed to know regarding sewing by watching videos online. He was rather proud of being able to pick things up relatively quickly, even if he sucked at mastering things.

Time escaped him when he watched videos. But eventually, he grew tired of it so went onto the social media account they both shared, to see what his friends and family had been getting up to back home.

As Roxas flicked through his cousin Sora’s birthday party photos, he tried to tell himself that living like this was normal. Sharing one account between two people was normal. They had agreed early on in their relationship to never be apart again and to give their all to each other. There had been times when Roxas had complained and even gotten fired up about wanting his own things, particularly when they were free to sign up to. But it had never ended up working in Roxas’ favor. Vanitas had always gotten upset – always lain on the guilt-trip, always shut Roxas out with nowhere to go. So, he had always chosen to let things be as they were, saving both of them a headache and heartache.

Roxas sent his cousin a joint birthday greeting from himself and Vanitas, logged off and went to sit at his sewing desk, staring blankly into space. He wasn’t feeling it today. No amount of looking through his scrapbook helped. His mind kept on wanting to wander to his heart’s addiction. He cast a glance down to his two-year-old phone laying before him. The afternoon was wearing on, so he wanted to be able to see his phone the instance it came alive with a call or message from Vanitas – he was very bored.

Some days he’d receive a text message asking to come meet Vanitas at work, so they could go home together, or sometimes go out for a work dinner, or just a meal for the two of them. Roxas was hoping for something like that to happen now. He liked the work dinners and meetings since he could be amongst other people. He never had anything to say to them, mind you, because he wasn’t terribly interesting, nor did he have any idea about all the work-related conversations that went on. But he enjoyed the atmosphere nonetheless.

And some of Vanitas’ work colleagues were quite nice too. Kadaj Voligny, for instance – he always talked to Roxas – when he wasn’t speaking with Vanitas about stuff that sounded important. There was also Penny Holm, who had the best laugh Roxas thought he had ever heard – aside from Axel’s, of course.

Roxas sighed and missed Axel’s presence. His phone was silent for the time being, so Roxas picked through the pile of fabrics on his sewing desk. Inspiration was still not striking. Lack of motivation and boredom were getting to a point of such discomfort that he was considering calling his mother. He did that sometimes when things got extremely quiet.

She had gone into early retirement, since she had been able to afford it, and was now living the easy life. She would always fill up the time beautifully with mindless chatter about what luncheons she had been hosting, telling stories about the latest scandals and rumors that were circulating about their extended family members, and finding ten different ways of trying to rope Roxas into coming over for a visit. She was doing it less these days, but it was still something he supposed he should do. He hadn’t seen his parents or extended family… or friends really, in about five years now. Vanitas’ affairs seemed to take precedence over a lot of the yearly events Roxas was invited to.

He heard it then – Axel’s voice, telling him things he didn’t want to hear because it was all bullshit lies on good days, and painful truths on bad days. Vanitas was… loving, devoted, caring, hurt, deserving better, driven to things because Roxas wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t manipulative, he wasn’t forcing his will on Roxas. Roxas just agreed with and saw the sense in Vanitas’ words most of the time. And besides, sometimes things didn’t look that great on the outside, but on the inside, everything was fine. Vanitas had often told him to not listen to other people. That they knew the truth of how they felt about one another.

He let those thoughts slide. He needed to stop procrastinating and get on with it. He turned and rolled away to his bigger desk space by the wall behind him, where he had the ability to spread out and properly plan his fabrics. But his phone buzzed and Roxas instantly whirled back.

Roxas  
  
**Today** 16:24 Vanitas  
Come meet me at work. We’re going for an after-work coffee.  
  


Roxas rejoiced as the tension in his body eased with the knowledge that the boredom would be alleviated.

Roxas  
  
**Today** 16:24 Vanitas  
Come meet me at work. We’re going for an after-work coffee.  
  
16:24 I’ll be there!  
  


It wouldn’t take an hour to get there, but Roxas appreciated the leeway. He marched to the bedroom and got changed into acceptable attire – beige tailored jacket, plain white t-shirt underneath, and matching beige trousers. It was by far the most boring outfit Roxas possessed but it allowed him to blend into the wallpaper. He then ran into the bathroom to slick his hair back to look _respectable_. Roxas didn’t care for it. He liked his hair au naturel, with just a spritz of hairspray to keep its shape. But Roxas didn’t want to start a war. And besides, Vanitas had a point about leaving one’s personality at the door when one went to work-related things.

He checked himself in the full-length mirror by the entryway, gave Cheshire a head rub, grabbed his keys, and headed out.

On days he was running late because he had been in the middle of making something, he caught the bus. But usually he was on time, so he could afford to take a leisurely stroll down the boulevard and be there within half an hour.

It wasn’t just the fresh air Roxas liked. If he detoured ever so slightly down a side street to the next main road and crossed to the other sidewalk he would eventually walk straight past Organization 13. The first time he had been here it had looked so posh and intimidating, with its heavy doors and pristine veneer, that he had almost not gone in, having felt severely underdressed. But he had approached, lured by the music of the band he had been dying to see for several years, and had ventured inside.

It had been life-changing for him. Really. Or at the very least, it gave him a taste of something that _could be_ life changing if he ever decided to take the chance.

Roxas continued down the boulevard. His feet were steadily heading down the road, towards the city’s business and culture center, whilst his heart was tugging at him to go down the side street, which was soon coming up.

Roxas would have to make a decision. Some days he went that way but chose to walk past the outside with a longing look and an up-tempo beat to his pulse. He was trying to be faithful to Vanitas, but he wondered if he was doing enough. He couldn’t shut his heart up, but at least he was trying not to give in to its every whim. Because if he had done that, he would have let himself be held forever in those long arms.

Roxas had hoped that not seeing Axel for a while would have made the burning desire simmer down somewhat. When Vanitas had joined him in Pensacola, Roxas had kept his distance from Axel. Physically and mentally. There had been many reasons for this. One was that Vanitas monopolized Roxas’ time with sight-seeing in a new city. The other had been that Roxas had wanted to try and be the best he could be for Vanitas. But he had felt too awful about breaking his promise of going to the amusement park with Axel, that he had gone in to see the man, which hadn’t ended too well.

That reaction from Axel had hurt and had made him really think about what he was doing to a perfectly nice guy. Roxas was forever hurting people and he was getting sick of it. He told himself that he had wanted to accept Axel’s wish for Roxas to not come back to the bar… but then Vanitas had insisted on them going out and no amount of trying to dissuade or distract him had worked. Vanitas had chosen Organization 13 as their destination.

His determination to stay away had withered because of speaking with Axel again at that point in time. Even now, a few months later, Roxas noticed that he was still doing the same thing – staying with Vanitas when his heart was somewhere else. He still _hoped_ that his feelings would die down somehow – but they only kept intensifying every time Roxas visited Axel. Despite the longing in his heart, Roxas found himself still staying with Vanitas because… because – he didn’t want to keep doing whatever he was doing to Axel. As he walked on, he wondered if maybe he should give it one more proper go to forget his affections for the man who wasn’t his boyfriend. Give it one more shot when his conscience was clear of guilt, and when he had nothing left to tie himself to the other man. Because surely, he hadn’t been able to let go because he had felt so dreadful about missing Axel’s birthday celebration. And now Axel was on his mind so much because of the jacket. If he could get it finished – and finished _fast_ – then everything would be well again with Roxas and he could go back to trying to fix things with Vanitas.

Perhaps that would be best for everyone involved. Axel deserved better than Roxas. Vanitas also deserve much better. He would have to let go… eventually. He walked on, past the side street, determined to be as faithful and loyal a boyfriend as possible. For today anyway.

* * *

 

Several days passed before Roxas actually made headway on the jacket. He knew why he had been putting it off and finding it such a struggle to get going. It actually mattered to him what Axel would think of it, whereas with paying customers he had never been concerned. He just did his best and if people liked it, all the better. But this article of clothing was important to him.

He had well and truly spent weeks, and even months now mulling the project over in his head. Making imagination into a reality was daunting. Especially since he had nothing but a photograph to go off of. But he bravely pushed through his stage-fright and cut out the various patterns, hoping they would be a good fit. He used his memory of limbs around himself as a guide for how long and wide everything had to be. As he put the individual pieces together he felt more and more anxious. He wanted this to be perfect but given how he had no factual measurements to go by, the chance for error was very high.

Roxas considered calling Axel to get his measurements, and for some friendly, of-no-consequence banter, on the side. At like three in the morning… just to be a prick, and test how grumpy Axel got when woken from sleep, considering how hard it was for him to wake in the mornings. Roxas liked to imagine Axel being super grouchy. Oftentimes, a visual would play in his mind of Axel’s morning hair probably looking like a raging bird’s nest of a mess. He’d probably have trouble prying his eyes open, and Roxas bet Axel drooled in his sleep. The mental image always brought a smile to his face and a burbling laugh out of his chest. Yes, Roxas even thought about calling Axel to accuse him of all these imagined things just to see what the man’s response would be.

The scissors he had been holding clattered onto the desk surface, snapping him out of his fantasy. That seemed to happen quite regularly nowadays. He’d be eating something, watching something, and be reminded of Axel, which sent his head off into space. While very nice, it was also worrying, because Vanitas noticed and had commented on what an airhead Roxas had become of late.

But worst of all were the questions regarding what he was doing in the sewing room at all kinds of hours of the day and night.

 _“Who’s that jacket for anyway? You haven’t gotten any job requests in a while,”_ Vanitas had asked yesterday when he had come home to find Roxas staring at the blank space above his sewing machine, with his sketchbook wide open.

 _“Oh, hi, Van! Didn’t hear you come in. How was work?”_ he had tried to deflect casually, whilst closing his book.

_“Same old, same old. Who’s the jacket for?”_

_“Huh? No one. Just practicing some new stitching techniques, and I’m going to use it for trialing some other stuff on it too.”_ It hadn’t even been a big lie. Half of it was true.

Vanitas had left it alone since then, but he still looked at him with grave suspicion when Roxas’ faraway stare came to life.

He just needed to remember to not space out in Vanitas’ company. But while it was just him and Cheshire, Roxas didn’t see the harm in letting his mind wander. It particularly liked to wander during the early afternoons, thinking about when Axel would be waking up and whether Roxas should call him. The urge was significantly strong. He wished Axel hadn’t given him such a tempting gold nugget.

He rolled his chair over to his sewing desk and pulled out his keepsake box. He kept the paper with the phone number there, with all the other precious things in his life. He found the number and looked at it. He wasn’t going to memorize it. Doing so was to admit that there might be a need for it one day. There would never be a need. Axel had been silly and paranoid. It was really sweet. Roxas really appreciated the care and concern Axel showed towards him, but it was still completely unnecessary.

The paper was placed back in the box and Roxas surveyed his treasures. He fondled Lucifer’s collar, really missing all the trouble and strife he got Roxas into, due to being recklessly fierce, and constantly looking for prey in dangerous places. Eyes trailed and landed on the long white scar running down his forearm. The years had faded it right out, but Roxas could still see it. It had hurt like hell at the time but was now a fond memory etched onto his body. It hadn’t been the smartest idea to go crawling after Lucifer through hedgerows and down burrows, but boy, had it been fun.

Roxas went to close the box, but as he looked at the penguin and its egg he had to stop to pick it up. Axel had bought him this. Axel had let him choose something. Axel hadn’t thought it dumb. Was it wrong for Roxas to think that he would have loved to see Axel follow through on the ‘something stupid’ he said he might do if he didn’t walk away when he had? Yeah. It was probably very wrong. But Roxas couldn’t stop wishing for it.

His head went back to that time at the zoo. He had said really regrettable things. Regrettable because he shouldn’t have been feeling the way he did about Axel. Regrettable because he didn’t follow through on his feelings. But maybe the biggest regret of that day had been the conversation with Kairi at the education center.

_“Hey, Kairi!”_

_“Hey, Roxas, haven’t seen you in a while. Been having fun?”_

_“Yeah. I was with Dee and Flik until I got distracted by the snow leopards and the cheetahs and then Axel found me and – well, we had a lot of fun on the way down here,”_ he had smiled.

But Kairi had looked concerned with knit brows and pursed lips. She hadn’t said anything but Roxas could have guessed what she had been thinking. So, he had naturally avoided the subject by distracting the both of them with an animal trivia game at one of the interactive stations.

With their combined knowledge they had been able to ace it, which had put Roxas in a good enough mood to ask what, in hindsight, he probably should never have asked. But he had wanted to indulge his fantasy.

_“What was it like dating Axel?”_

_“He told you about that?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Uh, well, we were young and inexperienced. We, for the most part, hung out every day. It wasn’t up until a year of doing that, that one of my girlfriends asked me if we had done anything. Never really occurred to me that that’s what was supposed to be going on,”_ she had shrugged, while they had wandered around to some other areas in the center. _“And Axel never pushed us being close. So, when I tried – you know, kissing and some heavy petting – it didn’t go far. I caught onto Axel’s sexual preference eventually and told him to stop using me to hide behind. So, I don’t really feel like I can give you an answer as to what it’s like dating him.”_

_“Oh. But he’s nice, right? You’ve seen him with other guys?”_

_“He hasn’t had too many boyfriends. He seemed to get on all right with the ones who stick around for a while, I guess.”_

That had been a great point of interest to Roxas. _“Why’d his relationships end?”_

Kairi had given him a funny look and reluctantly spoke, _“His go-to line is that he gets bored. I always assumed it meant the sex got stale, or he had his eye on someone else he wanted to have sex with.”_

Roxas still got an uncomfortable feeling in his gut remembering that response. _“Oh,”_ is all he had said.

Kairi had rounded on him, after that, and had spoken with gentleness but also a very distinct firmness, _“Why’re you asking me these things? You shouldn’t be – I know it’s not really my place – I don’t know you that well, but… I do know Axel – if you’re happy and in a stable relationship then you shouldn’t be thinking about him. I love him, but I wouldn’t trade in any current relationship to be with him. He’s selfish and unreliable and does whatever feels good at the time.”_

 _“I wasn’t going to—”_ he had said.

 _“C’mon, Roxas. It’s obvious as day that you guys like each other. I don’t know what’s going on in your life but don’t lead him on, and don’t destroy your current relationship to be with him. It won’t be worth it.”_ The pointed stare she had given him had decimated his good mood and shattered his insides. He had been forced into complete silence.

 _“Oh God, don’t tell him I said that. He’ll be so mad,”_ she had begged several moments later, looking genuinely concerned.

His brain had restarted at that remark. _“What happens when he gets mad?”_

_“He yells and has a fit and you won’t hear the end of it for a whole month. He’s got a bit of a short fuse.”_

And Roxas could now attest to that short fuse after the treatment he had received at the bar after having missed Axel’s birthday. So, he was way more inclined to believe all the other things Kairi had said about Axel too. She was a close personal friend, after all. So surely, if anyone knew Axel well, it would be her.

Roxas wanted to discount Kairi’s words so badly though – the ones that said Axel was only doing things for his own gratification and the hint that he would leave Roxas as soon as he got bored. He felt torn between what he had seen for himself and what he had heard of Axel. In the end, it seemed to always come back to the fact that he just couldn’t throw away what he had with Vanitas.

Roxas just didn’t know what to do.

The more he replayed it in his head, the more he thought that maybe it hadn’t been such a regrettable conversation. After all, it had made him think twice sometimes and played in his head the most when he was feeling excessively enamored with Axel. Not that it actually seemed to matter. He had still gone ahead and given the man the silly penguin. He had still kissed Axel, still yearned to see him, still spent a lot of energy and time thinking about him even now.

He had done all these things because for some reason he had decided he wanted to leave the door open. He wanted to believe that Axel wouldn’t discard him like a used tissue if they somehow ever ended up being together.

Therein lay the whole problem. Roxas was letting Axel have an in with him when he knew he should have the door bolted shut. It was too cruel on the both of them. Roxas would never leave Vanitas. Yes, they had their ups and downs, but he was pretty sure every relationship was like that.

He told himself that the fantasy of being with Axel was so much better than the reality would ever be. It would go the same way all relationships went. He could admit that his own relationship had gotten very stale. Seven years did that quite easily. It would just be the same with Axel. In fact, the staleness would hit even sooner because Axel dreamed big and was interesting and fun and outgoing, and Roxas was none of those things. Their sparkling romance would end all too soon and Roxas would be alone, and financially worse off. At least Vanitas loved to keep Roxas close and take care of his needs. He couldn’t expect that of Axel. He didn’t _want_ that of Axel.

But if he could… well. The dream was too nice to throw away. The wish too precious and beautiful to never entertain again. Roxas didn’t want to go back to his mundane reality. He wanted to feel wanted and desired by someone as exciting as Axel.

Roxas sighed and dropped the penguin back into the box, shutting and packing it away. Living this dual existence – this dual love – didn’t seem to be working out for anyone involved. He was neglecting Vanitas, he was putting undue strain on Axel, and Roxas was just hurting all three of them simultaneously.

The dream would end… eventually. By force or by choice. Roxas opted to let fate decide instead of having the onus be on himself, so he rolled his chair back over to his larger workspace and got on with the jacket assembly.

* * *

 

Putting the jacket together took far longer than expected. Roxas was met with several website requests in quick succession, so those were his priority. Getting more money would be good. It meant he could afford to go shopping for more materials. He wanted a larger choice of studs and chains, and to see what patches were available.

He got the smaller accessory jobs out of the way first before tackling the more elaborate vest and trousers. With the items shipped and the money transferred to Vanitas, who then took it out and handed the cash to Roxas, he was able to go on a shopping spree of sorts.

Vanitas couldn’t give him a valid excuse not to go out shopping, so Roxas reveled in spending a whole guilt-free day going to arts and crafts stores. So, with more materials in stock Roxas worked on Axel’s jacket in his available spare time, of which there still wasn’t much.

Vanitas would come into his room, despite the door being shut and the earbuds in and ask, “ _Why’re you still working on that? Come watch the news with me. I haven’t seen you all day.”_

Roxas couldn’t refuse.

The longer it took to complete the jacket, the more Roxas yearned to take a right down that side-alley every time Vanitas told him to come to his work.

And some days Roxas actually did. But he told himself it was all right because those were always the days Axel didn’t work.

Sometimes, he’d stand wistfully on the other side of the road for a few moments and look up to the rooftop, spying the water tower peeking over the wall. He’d think of the box hiding a scratchy fleece blanket, which in turn unleashed a torrent of memories and feelings for him. As much as Roxas wanted to, he never set foot in the place. Not that it mattered much. Without Axel, the bar was a hollow shell anyway.

Roxas really needed to finish the jacket. It was a constant reminder. He couldn’t work on it for more than five minutes before his mind wandered to its intended recipient. That was detrimental to the whole, _‘you have a boyfriend and shouldn’t be thinking of anyone else,’_ thing.

He tried to tell himself that it had been long enough now that Axel shouldn’t care about him anymore. That the man’s fleeting affections had run its course. But it did nothing to quell his own thoughts and desires. In fact, it just made him feel lonelier.

So Roxas was determined to get the jacket done ASAP, so he could truly try to move on. But it was proving tough because more work came in and Vanitas demanded more of Roxas’ attention. They went out to multiple work functions a week, and when they stayed home Vanitas wanted a lot of quality time, making Roxas’ rectum quite sore.

Vanitas was getting testy, asking, _“Finished the jacket?”_ every couple of days. Roxas ignored him whenever possible. It turned into a more pointed question one weekday when Vanitas said, “Why’re you working so hard on this ugly old thing?” He picked at the sleeves, while Roxas was busy sewing patches on and adding other small embellishments.

“I told you, it’s for practice. Just a pet project to keep my skills sharp while I wait for more work to come through,” had been his annoyed response.

Vanitas gave him such a deeply uncomfortable, critical look, forcing Roxas to abandon his work and go after Vanitas as he quietly stormed out.

If Roxas was paranoid – which he wasn’t – he would have thought Vanitas was doing this stuff on purpose, because he might suspect who the jacket was for, and absolutely hate it. So Roxas absolutely needed this to be done as soon as he could.

When Roxas did get some quiet time – and could shut his mind up – he was blissfully consumed in the creative process. Eventually, he got all 138 studs of varying sizes and shapes in over several weeks, hooked chains up, and lastly, embroidered Axel’s initials and attached some choice patches, one of which was a little penguin he had found.

The thing felt quite weighty by the end of it, which worried Roxas. He kept examining, and re-examining it, adding things, taking things off, and generally just fiddling with it until his brain would scream at him that it was perfect and that he should stop. And maybe a small part of himself didn’t want this to ever be finished because it would mean that he should really try and put an end to his affections.

Sadly, the month apart hadn’t moved him closer to that end goal of having his feelings diminish. So maybe he had to give up on fate choosing for him. Maybe he had to make a deliberate choice. But there was no rush. There would be plenty of time to decide after he had given the jacket to Axel. Maybe not working on something that constantly reminded him of Axel would help clear his head of the man. Was he kidding himself? Probably.

He took a long, hard look at himself and with a decision made, he managed to get some sleep at night.

* * *

 

About a week later, Roxas got a message saying to meet Vanitas at work. It was a Wednesday, Axel wouldn’t be working, which meant it was the perfect opportunity to go hand over the jacket. Roxas was sure he could leave it with one of the other staff members and that they would get it to Axel. Roxas couldn’t do it himself. He didn’t want to see Axel’s face if he hated the gift. He couldn’t see Axel’s face if he absolutely loved it either. No matter what, it would break his heart.

So, he packed up and wrapped the jacket in ornate tissue paper. He looked at the package for a few moments. He couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t undo it. Taking a deep breath, he popped it in a bag and headed out.

As he walked down the sidewalk, his legs felt heavy and his heart thumped nervously in his chest. It would be all right, he wouldn’t be seeing Axel. Yet his resolve kept wavering, even though he had no choice now. He couldn’t meet with Vanitas holding the bag. He couldn’t go back to dump it at home. There was no time, even if he caught a cab. He had also put in too much effort to leave it somewhere. No, he bit the bullet and turned down the side street, picking up his pace. He wanted it over and done with and to put an end to his anxieties.

He was at Organization  no time at all. Walking through the entryway had always filled him with joy, even when he had come with Vanitas. Yes, there had been terror, but also excited joy. But today he had nothing but a lump in his throat and a sting behind his eyes.

The place was less busy than he had seen it at night, but there was still a sizeable amount of people around, hanging by several of the bar tables strewn about, while others grazed around the bar, like a watering hole in a vast desert. He couldn’t see anyone behind the bar on the side facing him. He walked towards it, so he could make his way around the other side. But as he drew closer the sight of red hair – rounding the corner – brought him to a standstill and punched him in the chest. Roxas wanted to run away and hide. But he was in the middle of the room and the exit was too far away now. Plus, he was just stuck in the spot – staring.

Axel was a complete knockout in his work uniform. Axel was ridiculously sexy in his punk clothes as well, and Roxas didn’t even want to get started thinking about how positively hot he was in his more casual wear. There was nothing Axel didn’t look good in, Roxas was sure of it. So, by that logic, Axel had to be ludicrously attractive even in the nude. Roxas groaned internally at that thought. And then everything just stopped as green eyes caught sight of him and went wide.

Open-mouthed smile, too beautiful to look away from, greeted Roxas. Axel advanced and leaned over the bar, eagerly awaiting Roxas’ legs to carry him over. Despite himself, Roxas was already smiling. His chest swelled with such desire and his legs brought him to a standstill before the handsome vision. Why did it feel to Roxas like he had come home?

“Roxas,” Axel breathed.

A shiver ran up his spine. Axel always said his name with such fondness. It often jolted his heart alive. “Hey,” he forced out, past smiling lips. It didn’t feel like his throat wanted to work right now. The lump was still sitting there.

“What can I get you?” Axel leaned in closer, and his hand crept across the surface of the bar towards Roxas.

The warm, spicy scent that was purely Axel, hit Roxas’ nose, making him lean forward a little. He wanted to be the recipient of the comfort and reassurance that Axel’s slender fingers always provided. He longed for the feeling of the overly familiar and loving hand in his hair. He shook his head. “Nothing. I can’t stay long. I just stopped by to give you something.”

Eyebrows raised, “Oh? Is that what the bag’s for?”

Roxas hummed in the affirmative while he sucked on his lips and hoisted the bag onto the bar top. He couldn’t take it back. That’s why he had done it like this – so he couldn’t take it back – couldn’t change his mind. He was committed, and it was killing him. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. I was going to leave it with someone to give to you.” His heart was going to fail if it didn’t stop racing so hard.

“Drew and Nancy both called in sick today, so I had to come to the rescue. Good thing too. If I had missed you I would have been so annoyed.” Axel pulled the bag closer to himself and peeked inside. “So, what is it?” He reached in and picked up the wrapped gift. “Heavy.”

Oh God, Roxas _knew_ it. He should have taken off a quarter of the ornate crap he had attached. Axel would hate it. Completely hate it. But instead, he said, “Just something I thought you might like. You don’t have to open—”

The sound of paper ripping could be heard over the soft background music and clinking of glasses.

“Whoops. Guess I might as well keep going,” Axel gave a cheeky smile.

Roxas’ insides knotted with adoration for the other man and he laughed a little from nervousness. “Guess so.” His heart was in his throat. He watched Axel continue to rip into it like a like a child opening gifts on Christmas morning.

Once a sizeable hole had been created, exposing the center, Axel pulled the fabric out, which unfolded and hung loosely as he did so. Axel looked at it, maneuvering it until he found the top and held it aloft by both shoulder straps. The jacket obscured Axel’s face. Roxas couldn’t take it. The reaction was going to kill him, no matter what it would be. He looked at the bar top, intensively studying the grain of the wood. In his periphery, he caught sight of Axel turning the jacket over, front to back and back to front, several times.

There was complete silence from Axel. Roxas swallowed the nauseous lump of anxiety. He jumped a little. Jacket and Axel’s hands slapped down on the bar’s hard surface. The shock of the action made Roxas breathe again and he looked up. But then his breath got stuck in his chest once more. He had never seen Axel look like that before. Mouth hung open, eyes excessively wide and shimmering. Something between shock and awful disgust.

“Oh no. You hate it. I’m so sorry.” Roxas squeezed his eyes shut and went to pull the offending article of clothing off the bar top. The jacket didn’t budge though. Peeking, Roxas saw Axel holding on tight to it.

“Are you shitting me?” Axel said softly, his voice catching in an unusually high pitch.

Roxas’ eyes were drawn up again. “I’m so—”

Words were swallowed up by Axel’s lips on Roxas’ own. A hand cupped Roxas’ cheek, pulling them closer together over the divide of the bar.

Roxas became completely lost in Axel’s touch. Lips pressed, Axel’s tongue brushed, and Roxas opened up, tilting his head back so Axel could take him as far as he wanted and needed. Everything about the way Axel kissed him was divine – their tongues rubbing together – the gentle sucking – the warm caress of his cheek. Their fleeting entanglements had always been this way. Axel had always been what Roxas had wanted, right down to the gorgeous hair. But this time it somehow felt softer, more affectionate, and completely tender.

Roxas reached his hand out for Axel, catching and resting in the crook of the other man’s elbow. Slender fingers continued to brush at Roxas’ cheek but stopped as one of the tears Roxas couldn’t hold at bay anymore, came in contact with Axel’s touch. His tongue and heat left Roxas’ body, though fingers resumed their soothing stroking motion.

“What’s wrong?” Green eyes darted a little, looking Roxas over.

Why was Axel so caring? So receptive? It made his chest hurt. “You like it?” he sniffled and wiped tears from his eyes, trying to smile up at the man he adored too much.

“I—” Axel’s mouth fell open again. He let go of Roxas and picked up the garment.

Roxas watched with trepidation as Axel slid it on. The whole movement seemed to be in slow-motion to Roxas. One arm went through a sleeve. The hand slowly wormed its way through the semi-stiff material, to finally emerge out the other side. The sleeve wasn’t sitting too high or too low. The other arm went through the other side. Chains jingled lightly, fabric rustled. His arm was through, fingers fumbled with the zip, and pulled the fastener up. It was snug, hugging Axel’s waist and torso.

Somehow Axel’s smile got bigger. He spun around once on heels, slamming hands down on the bar top to stop himself. “I fucking _love it,_ Roxas. I—” Hands ran over the breast panels which had most of the studs embedded. He thumbed over his initials, trailed his fingers down arms looking at each patch, particularly the penguin one, causing eyes to squint with how big his smile had gotten. When he was done he looked back at Roxas, brow wrinkled, and lips sealed tight.

Roxas clenched his jaw with nervous anticipation.

Axel’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and he blinked rapidly. He took a deep breath and reached for Roxas’ hand with both of his. Roxas let him and felt the warm touch which melted his soul. The next words out of Axel’s mouth made Roxas’ insides seize up. He choked on his own spit, coughing a little. Hands squeezed his own with affectionate concern.

It had been said so quietly, he wasn’t sure if he had been dreaming. “You… _love_ me?”

“I love you,” Axel reiterated, with more strength behind it this time.

Roxas took a deep inhale but it did nothing to stop his head from spinning. The pit of his stomach had lead in it. The sting behind his eyes grew stronger and stronger. He wanted to say something, but words failed him.

One hand let go and swept bangs out of Roxas’ face, before knuckles slid down his cheekbone and came to rest under Roxas’ chin, pushing his face up a little. “Everything all right?” Axel said with the softest smile on his face.

Roxas couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say it back. He felt it, with every fiber of his body, but to say it would break him. He nodded, “Yeah. I’m happy you like your jacket.”

Axel’s smile fell a little and concern danced on his face. Thumb stroked and traced Roxas’ jawline, and intense, smoldering eyes peered into Roxas’ soul, “I love it.”

Roxas bit his lip. The words were unmistakably directed at himself. He couldn’t say it. “I’ve got to go, Axel.” His voice was hoarse and rasped with held back emotion.

Axel’s face softened as he smiled. Green eyes sparkled with moisture. “All right. Thank you so much for this,” he rumbled low in his throat, one hand vaguely touching the lapel, and the back of his other hand rubbed against Roxas’ cheek.

Roxas grasped the hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to knuckles and breathed into it for a few seconds before letting go of Axel. “Bye,” he said, his voice once more hitching.

“Bye,” Axel repeated after him, holding his hand like Roxas had left a physical gift there.

As he turned away, the sob worked free and he shook with the force of it. Roxas rushed for the door, telling himself this was the last time. He hoped he could get his tears under control before he reached Vanitas.

* * *

 

A loud clearing of a throat to his left caused Axel to startle out of the cloud he was engulfed in. He finished staring in the direction Roxas left in and returned to the world of the bar and his job.

It didn’t matter that Roxas hadn’t said it back. Axel was clad in Roxas’ love letter to him. Because that’s what this had been; a declaration of love, a testament to deep feelings, a reaffirmation of a promise that one day things would be as they should be between the two of them.

He reluctantly shrugged out of the garment and lovingly bundled the jacket back up, placing it in the paper bag it had arrived in. He stowed it with great care in a nook under the bar, where it could stay safe and dry through the course of Axel’s shift.

He was on a deeply satisfying high. All annoyance over having been called in to work, forgotten. This was the best day of his life, so far, and nothing would rob him of it. Not the grumpy faces of some of the patrons, or even the thought of being complained about to Marluxia.

The consequences didn’t matter now, because kissing Roxas had ultimately been so worth it. Axel loved Roxas. He was well and truly, utterly, deeply in love. And he had to share that with the man because he would have burst had he had to hold that in for even one more day. So what if some patrons had been weirded out by it?

Axel carried on tending the bar on both sides with renewed vigor until he was finally relieved of duty.

He grabbed his prized possession and headed to the lockers, so he could get changed and go home. Uniform was discarded, casual attire slipped on, and as Axel looked at his old leather jacket, he smiled. It would always be special to him, but it was time to stop holding on to the past and embrace the shiny and super cool future.

He pulled the jacket out of the bag. Axel gave it another, now-more-detailed looking over. There were so many small details to observe that he felt he could spend all day looking and still be left amazed at a newly discovered nuance somewhere later on down the track. From the shimmering satin red and green thread used to embroider his initials, the placement and pattern of the studs, and the interconnectedness of chains, to the meticulously arranged patches. Axel loved everything about it. It would have taken such a long time to make, and Roxas had done it all for him.

Axel hugged the jacket in Roxas’ absence. He pleasantly discovered that under the nice smell of new leather there was also the delicious scent of Roxas clinging to it. Axel buried his nose in it, taking a deep whiff. Man, he missed Roxas so much.

He slipped the jacket on. It was snug and weighty. Axel closed his eyes as he zipped himself up, imagining he was receiving a glorious hug from Roxas. He had it so bad for the other man and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it. Eyes opened again, and he looked at himself in the mirror, glued to the inside of his locker’s door.

 _Damn_ , he looked fine. He kissed his fingers and pressed them to the photo of Roxas kissing him, which he had printed out and stuck inside the locker. He ignored the way longing knotted his insides and gave himself another hug, smiling from ear to ear.

Axel then pulled out his old jacket and proceeded to transfer everything from the old into the new. Roxas had made sure that there were plenty of pockets for Axel to store his crap. Keys, mints, tissues, wallet, phone, earbuds, comb, pens, chapstick, eyeliner, scrap bits of paper, and several loyalty cards were all transferred over. There seemed to be a spot for everything, from a hoop with an elastic attachment for his keys, to little elastic loops for his pens.

He couldn’t stop smiling. One day he’d make it up to Roxas and show him his deep appreciation. Axel slammed his locker shut and gave himself a pat down, making sure he had everything. In the process of doing so, he came in contact with something lumpy on his side. On closer inspection, he found another pocket. He pulled the velcro fastener apart and stuck his fingers into the slit. Tips touched something cold and hard. He pulled it out and examined it.

His smile broadened at the sight of the small object as he turned it around between his fingers. But then a sharp sense of familiarity cut him through to the bone. All warmth and light left his soul and deep darkness engulfed him. His mouth went dry and throat scratched.

“No.” Legs shook. He sunk to the ground, his back sliding against the locker.

“No.” Fingers and toes turned cold. Limbs stiffened, and everything began to hurt deep inside.

‘ _No_ ’, he mouthed, voice lost, swallowed by the tears that ran and blurred the terrifying vision of the little bowing penguin. His chest quaked with shattering upset and hurt.

He had gotten it all wrong. The jacket had been a final farewell, a breaking of a promise, a full stop where their song should have continued to play.

The penguin clattered to the ground as trembling fingers could no longer hold on. He slid fingers into his hair, holding his head. It wasn’t the best day after all. It had turned into a nightmare. Somewhere in the heartache, something broke. He had been so stupid holding on to a faint hope for months on end. Roxas wasn’t going to come around. Roxas was never going to put him first. Roxas wasn’t worth his time.

He gave a big sniffle and stripped the jacket off like it was electrified. It was still an amazing gift, but Axel couldn’t – and _refused_ to wear it. He took everything back out, put on his old trusty jacket, picked the penguin off the floor, ripped the photo from his locker, and shoved the memories of Roxas deep into the dark depths of the void before him, where he wouldn’t be able to see them.

Axel was done waiting and caring. He was going to get laid tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * _whispers - "I'm so sorry."_ *
> 
> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Escape My Mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa8Oj6u-BuU) by Grace VanderWaal  
> [Easy Come Easy Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8GEVCnMd_g) by Alice on the Roof  
> [Panic Chord](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLdTcr98fSs) by Gabrielle Aplin


	11. The Final Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some hard truths come out and even harder decisions get made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the last chapter was brutal. Your screams of pain fuel me :p  
> This chapter nearly broke my beta with both content and length.
> 
> Domestic violence below. No animals were harmed in the making of this chapter. Explicit content below. Really _awkward and embarrassing sex_ below. You are warned.

Roxas was completely empty. Joy, hope, fun, energy – all were gone. It evaporated into thin air as he moved further away from Axel. His heart was heavy, and he didn’t hear much of what went on outside of his own head. Axel’s voice reverberated around and around. “ _I love you.”_ Roxas nearly choked on his sobs.

He made some sort of an excuse about why his eyes were red when he met up with Vanitas. He didn’t even care enough to check if it had been believable. He didn’t register what sort of a disappointed put-down Vanitas had in store for him. He just followed his keeper to wherever it was they were off to that evening.

When bedtime finally came, Roxas embraced the emptiness of sleep, hoping for a clean, fresh start in the morning. He had, after all, said goodbye to Axel, so things should be improving. But he wasn’t granted a reprieve. The warmth of daylight couldn’t touch the ice in his chest, nor warm his limbs. He felt like he was riding a wave of sadness; precariously sat atop a flimsy life raft, forever in danger of falling in at any moment and having the emotions completely swallow him up.

He stayed in bed long after the morning faded, trying to hide in sleep. Cheshire’s purring on top of him went some way to soothing the burn of feeling completely alone in the world. He did get up at some point – zombie legs carrying him around the apartment – lifeless limbs moving to some vague recollection of familiar motions. A shower, some toast in his mouth, which he couldn’t swallow down so it went into the trash.

Roxas sat in his workspace – cat in his lap – as he stared out the window with a, thankfully, blank mind. There wasn’t much to see out the window besides the buildings across the road and glimpses of the sky. The only way Roxas noticed the passage of time was by the shift in the quality of light.

The familiar tone of his phone brought him back to his surroundings. The text to come meet Vanitas served as a true awakening. This was what he had chosen. Mistake or not, this had been his decision. A surge of irritation – directed at himself – roused him and chased away the melancholia. He needed to make the most of it. He needed to fix things between himself and Vanitas. Truly fix things, without the distraction of another flame in his life.

Today was going to be the start of their new, improved relationship.

* * *

 

Roxas greeted Vanitas with as much warmth as he could muster. He made an effort to be interested in what Vanitas had to say and convinced him to stay out for dinner, in an attempt to save himself, since Roxas hadn’t made any moves to prepare their evening meal earlier that day.

They went to a nice restaurant with five-course meals as the very basic starting menu. Meals were ordered, food consumed. Roxas tried his hardest to pay attention to Vanitas talking about department mergers and whatever else he oversaw. Roxas zoned out at times but forced himself to refocus whenever he caught himself drifting. It’s not like he was thinking about… well, _him_. Roxas’ mind was just numb and divided.

“-sary,” Vanitas’ voice intruded.

“Huh?” Roxas looked up from his fruit salad dessert.

A soft huff left Vanitas’ amused looking face. “I said I’m surprised you wanted to stay out tonight. We usually don’t do anything besides a nice dinner at home for our anniversary.”

That word pulled Roxas’ wavering attention into full focus. Sudden panic turned his insides to stone. Was it really their anniversary? Was there anything fancy he had been supposed to make for dinner? He didn’t remember it being anything special. He searched his mind for today’s date. He couldn’t recall. He didn’t even know what month it was. He tried to quell the dread as he spoke, “Well, eight years is a long time. I didn’t want to wait for the ten to do something a little bit special.” He forced a smile onto his face.

“How sweet of you. Was that why you were so out of it yesterday? Thinking of something to do?”

Roxas nodded, scrambling to think how he could dig himself out of the hole he was spectacularly getting himself into. At the very least, Roxas had been lucky that he had convinced Vanitas to stay out today, of all days.

Vanitas pushed his hardly-touched frozen yogurt aside and leaned across the table a little. “So, what have you got planned for us?” Amusement lit his face.

“You have to wait and see.” Roxas tried to get out with some allure but his voice felt heavy and constrained, and his palms began sweating. He hoped he could buy himself some time to come up with something.

They walked home, on Roxas’ insistence. He remembered having walked down some seemingly nice paths when Axel had invited him out for sight-seeing with his friends. Roxas tried not to think about any details of that time, bar where they had gone; a nice canal with trees at either side of the banks. It was even nicer at night, with the street lamps reflecting off the mildly rippling water, and fairy lights strung up through the trees giving a romantic feel to the area.

Hand-in-hand, they strolled, the cooler air going some way in drying Roxas’ panic sweat.

“You remember that laneway through the uni’s courtyard?” Vanitas asked.

“Yeah.” Roxas smiled with the fond memory being stirred up. “It was always so pretty with the lights. The stalls during spring festival were great too.”

“They were. The live music was awesome too. So many talented musicians.”

“You remember Tony and his trombone?” Roxas started giggling.

Vanitas laughed. “Yeah. I wonder if he ever lived that down.”

“Probably not.” They walked on in silence for a bit. Roxas thought back on the two years of his university life, studying, changing what he was studying, and then dropping out. Before he dropped out they had a lot of fun. “I miss it, you know.”

“What?”

“Uni. I wish I had finished something. We could have spent more time together too.”

“Do you regret your decision?” Vanitas gave him the most fleeting of glances and squeezed their hands a little.

The niceness of memory lane turned a little darker for Roxas. “You wanted me to quit.”

“You made a choice about it. I just thought you were getting bored and were suited to other ways of learning.”

Roxas’ mind sang out, ‘ _Bullshit_.’ The sliver of cheer he was starting to feel snuffed out, but he tried to keep his sunken mood in check. Today was not the day to start a fight. “Yeah, you’ve always looked out for me.” Roxas pulled up a smile from somewhere.

“I have. Remember how I got you all those contacts so you could start making things for people?”

Roxas remembered being thrown in the deep end and having to make a bunch of things for Vanitas’ friends and being so busy that he couldn’t see his architecture classmates anymore, who he had hung out with quite a lot, even after changing courses. “It was a really valuable learning experience,” he said with a lot of spin.

Vanitas hummed pleasantly and wrapped his arm around Roxas’ shoulders, continuing their walk. That much physical contact was unheard of for just walking in public. Roxas couldn’t help but stare at the hand on him as Vanitas started listing all the ‘good’ things he had done for Roxas. Roxas agreed with everything as his mind wavered in and out of focus. He got stuck on the bad points to all of the perceived positives that Vanitas brought up. Roxas chalked it up to him just being upset about Axel, so he tried not to read too much into it. There was nothing wrong with their relationship.

They made it back to their apartment building eventually and nervous agitation built up in Roxas once more. Had the walk been enough? Surely Vanitas wouldn’t accept that. He received the confirmation when Vanitas leaned into him as he opened their front door. Hot breath brushed against his ear, “Can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for me, babe.”

All pleasantness slipped away. ‘ _Think, Roxas. Think!’_ he urged himself. He had nothing to give Vanitas. All his attention had been on making the jacket. Maybe that was the reason he had forgotten their anniversary. And if that was the case, then all the greater the shame Roxas should be feeling.

All he could do was try to make the evening as romantic as possible. He pushed Vanitas against the now-closed front door and pressed kisses to his neck. Hands worked under clothing and undid buttons. “I thought we could enjoy each other. A nice long bath and then, whatever else you want.” Roxas tried to say it as seductively as possible and rubbed himself against Vanitas, nuzzling his cheek.

They kissed, pressing pecks to each other’s lips and Vanitas hooked fingers into Roxas’ waistband. “Whatever I want?” his voice scratched with the low rumbling tone.

Roxas hummed against tingling kisses behind his ear.

“Let’s forget the bath then. I want you right now.” Teeth pulled on his earlobe.

Roxas felt his body stir and he kneaded Vanitas’ waist, after having flung the undone shirt flaps aside. “You want me to get changed into anything special? Want me to do anything special for you? We’ve got toys we haven’t used in a while.” Roxas couldn’t quite recall the last time they had acted on any kinks. He couldn’t think too hard about that either though because Vanitas began nipping around the underside of his chin.

“Nah, no time. Just gonna fuck you.” Vanitas pushed off the door and pressed Roxas into the wall adjacent to them.

Red and green flashed blazed through Roxas’ mind as the sensation of being pinned reminded him of fun times in the past. Roxas pushed the thought out. “Right here?”

“Here is where you get naked. We’re not doing it with Cheshire rubbing herself all over us.”

Roxas looked down at where their cat was pressing herself against their legs. He chuckled. “Yeah, okay. But tell me if you want me to do anything special for you since it’s our anniversary and stuff.”

Vanitas’ well-trimmed eyebrow cocked and then lips were connected again. Vanitas kissed Roxas with great force, almost biting Roxas’ lip. He peeled away at clothes and slid out of his own. He then lifted Roxas up around his waist. Roxas flung his arms around Vanitas’ shoulders and wrapped his legs around Vanitas’ hips to support himself as he was carried to their bedroom. He licked and nipped at sensitive skin around Vanitas’ neck and rocked his hips to put pressure on their penises. Vanitas gave a low chuckle and Roxas hummed. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be like every other night.

The door was shut and Roxas was dumped on the bed. He looked up at Vanitas, who was surveying him. Roxas spread his legs and arched his back a little, hoping it would look sexy, and not ridiculous.

Vanitas licked his lips. “You know what, babe, there _is_ something I want to do with you.”

“Yeah?”

Vanitas hummed. He leaned down, pressing his hands into the mattress at either side of Roxas’ splayed legs. “Let’s roleplay,” he said, voice husky.

A strong pulse ran through Roxas’ shaft and a tingle buzzed around his stomach. They hadn’t done that in years. It was definitely exciting. He licked his lips and rubbed them together as he eyed his boyfriend. “Okay. What have you got in mind?”

Vanitas leaned in closer, scraping his teeth across Roxas’ chest and carefully pulling on a nipple. A pleasant groan was elicited from Roxas. If things were going to go this way Roxas was definitely going to have a good night tonight. That was, until Vanitas said, “You’re going to call me _Axel_.” He smirked, dangerously.

The wind was knocked from Roxas and he felt himself go rigid. “What?” he croaked.

The smirk didn’t leave Vanitas’ lips. “ _Axel_.” He gave a sharp quirk of eyebrows. “And I’m going to call you _Vanitas_.”

Roxas’ mouth just hung open. Arousal pulsed in his chest but was also mingling – and getting replaced – with shock. He slouched forward. “What? Why?”

“You said anything I want. And I want this. The guy’s hot. I can see why you cheated on me with him.”

Those words struck him in the chest. “It wasn’t – no, forget it.” Roxas shut his mouth. He didn’t want to fight.

“You’re still denying it?” Vanitas was dangerously close to Roxas’ face. His eyes peered straight into Roxas’ soul with mischief, but also an undercurrent of anger.

“Nothing happened.” Roxas forced himself to not shy away from that stare, holding his ground.

“I know you like him.”

“I _used_ to like him. I only love you though.”

Vanitas’ eyes wavered a second and he seemed to take a moment to digest that. But eyes locked onto Roxas again a moment later. “So you’re telling me you never made out with the guy? Not even once?”

Roxas pursed his lips. “I—we—you made out with loads of guys too!” It was such a lame diversion, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit to his mistakes.

“Because you started it. Now called me Axel.”

“Van, this isn’t funny,” he scowled.

Vanitas’ face drew in and a grave expression settled. “I know it’s not. I’m being dead serious. Axel is going to fuck Vanitas, as recompense for messing with his boyfriend.”

Roxas didn’t know what he was feeling. This was so wrong and deeply uncomfortable on so many levels. He scooched back a little, getting out from directly underneath Vanitas. “No.”

“Why not? Because you feel guilty?” Vanitas closed the distance between them again, his hands on the mattress at either side of Roxas’ hips. “You should. This will be a good punishment for you.”

Roxas drew his lips into a thin line. “I’m already beating myself up enough about it as is. You don’t have to do this.”

“I want this. You had your fun with him, so now let me have mine.”

“I didn’t—”

“Stop _lying_ to me,” Vanitas snapped.

“I’m not lying. Please, Van. Please believe me. I didn’t – nothing happened between me and—” Roxas couldn’t say Axel’s name. It made him feel sick. He leaned back a fraction, needing more space. The room was getting stuffy. “Nothing ever happened,” Roxas tried again, keeping his voice even and low. “So please… I don’t want to do this. We can do whatever else, but not this, please. It’s _our_ anniversary. We should both have a good time. I’ll get us some toys. I’ll dress up for you. C’mon, let’s do something else.” He reached out to touch Vanitas’ forearm tentatively and his fingertips ran down the bare flesh.

Vanitas glared at Roxas for endless moments. Roxas could see the clenching of his jaw and felt the muscle in Vanitas’ arm flex a little. Something was broiling, and it made Roxas’ heart race with fear.

“No. You refusing to roleplay just says to me that there’s something to protect between you two – that it’s still going on.” Vanitas’ voice dropped as he said, with the frown on his brow deepening, _“Is it?”_

“No. You’re all I want,” Roxas moused, feeling amazingly pathetic.

“Then prove it. Call me Axel.”

Roxas frowned at Vanitas. The sour expression wasn’t leaving him. He felt confused by the request, but also grateful that Vanitas was giving him an out – a way to prove himself. He had to oblige. He had to play along. If he didn’t, things would get worse. But it didn’t make Roxas feel any better. It was so fucking bizarre. But he had to play along. He didn’t want Vanitas to think that anything was going on. Because it wasn’t. He had broken his own heart – had rid himself of all thoughts and temptations – to make sure it wasn’t. But now Vanitas was asking him to play right into his own deep, locked-away desires? Roxas swallowed the viscous saliva gathering in his mouth. It was all so messed up.

“Axel,” he muttered, with his gaze cast aside. The name felt heavy on his tongue and burned in his soul.

“All right. Let’s play,” Vanitas said with a devilish, satisfied smile on his lips. He pushed off the mattress and gathered lubricant and condoms.

All the while Roxas sat, watching, his heart racing, and a great sense of unease tightening his chest. He didn’t want to think of Axel. He didn’t want to say his name. His desires were supposed to stay a secret. His desires were supposed to have been extinguished.

Vanitas returned, pushing Roxas flat against the bed with his outstretched hand, whilst he straddled his sides. Items were dropped beside Roxas.

“You know, I’m sorry I fucked your boyfriend,” Vanitas began, pulling at himself to get his arousal back.

Roxas’ insides tensed as he stared up at yellow-hazel eyes that didn’t even look back at him. He didn’t want to pretend to be Vanitas. He didn’t want to play this game. Thighs around him squeezed and Vanitas gave him a pointed look when Roxas remained silent. Roxas decided he didn’t want Vanitas’ eyes on him if they were going to do this. He flung his gaze to the right, staring at their pillows. “Apology accepted,” he muttered unenthusiastically.

“What happened to you? Half an hour ago you were yelling at me, demanding I make it up to you by fucking you like I fucked Roxas, and now I’m already forgiven without even needing to work for it?” Vanitas cocked an eyebrow.

Roxas sighed. He didn’t know how he’d ever get hard like this. It was painfully uncomfortable. “I’m just…” Roxas tried to put himself into Vanitas’ shoes for a moment, as revolting as that was in this circumstance, “nervous. I’ve never had a man take me before.” It was a valid excuse. Maybe he could get out of this terrible roleplay by pretending to be Vanitas _really_ well.

“Oh? Is that so? Roxas never wanted to stick it in ya?” Vanitas pushed a rough hand into Roxas’ hair, brushing bangs from his eyes, while his other hand was still tugging at himself.

Roxas felt personally attacked. They had talked about this years ago. “I just like what I like. Roxas is fine with me taking him. He – loves it,” Roxas tacked on whilst his stomach knotted.

“Yeah, I know how much he loves cock. He couldn’t stop screaming how much he loved _mine_. You’ll get first-hand experience of that shortly.” Vanitas undid his condom wrapper and worked on putting it on himself.

Roxas swore his non-existent erection was wilting even further. He had never had sex with Axel, something he bitterly regretted. The fact that Vanitas thought otherwise – the fact that he didn’t believe Roxas, truly hurt.

“What’s he been saying about me?” Vanitas asked while coating himself in a generous helping of lubricant and totally not caring that Roxas was so _not into_ what they were doing.

“Nothing. He keeps insisting that you two never had sex.”

“What a little liar. But it doesn’t matter. I’ll show you what we’ve been up to.” Vanitas slipped between Roxas’ legs, spreading him open and pushing a slippery finger against the tight ring of muscle, entering Roxas. “What’s it feel like to have my finger inside of you?”

“Uncomfortable,” Roxas said, truthfully, and ignored the leer he was getting from Vanitas.

“It’ll feel nice in a bit.” Vanitas pushed another finger inside and stretched Roxas gently. At least Vanitas was taking some care with Roxas. He could appreciate that, and it even took some of the discomfort away.

“What’s the matter, Vanitas? This not turning you on?” Vanitas rolled Roxas’ soft penis in the cradle of his free thumb and index finger while he worked a third finger into Roxas’ rectum.

“This is very weird for me,” he said quietly.

“It’s okay. Just roll over so I can look at your gorgeous ass.” Vanitas shifted a bit so Roxas could get his leg around him.

Roxas happily obliged that request, relieved to not have to look at his boyfriend. Fingers re-entered his backside and worked on massaging his bundle of nerves, which surprised Roxas. Usually, Vanitas didn’t put so much effort into making it feel good for him. A soft moan escaped his throat and he pushed against Vanitas’ fingers a little.

“That’s the way. Let me hear you say my name,” was breathed into the back of Roxas’ head.

Roxas rocked back against the pleasant friction with more purpose and let his eyes fall closed for a bit. “Mmm, Van.”

“Don’t say your own name,” rumbled the voice behind Roxas.

It woke him out of the beginnings of a heady pleasantness. “Axel,” he said stiffly.

“That’s me. Let me make it up to you. All the hurt your supposed _boyfriend_ put you through – let me make all of that go away. I’ll make you wish you had cheated on him with me, instead.”

Roxas’ lips curled up with disgusted irritation. At least he didn’t have to hide it anymore. Not even the firm rubbing which sent tingles through his body made him feel better. The sensation only lasted a little while longer. Vanitas pulled his fingers out of him and then his erection butted up against Roxas. There came some playful drags of Vanitas’ head up and down Roxas’ backside before Vanitas pushed in a little bit and teased, rocking in and out of Roxas a little more with each push.

Roxas was not okay with this. He wasn’t okay with pretending he was with Axel. He wanted to _be_ with him in person. He wanted to feel what it would be like to be cared for and wanted, instead of punished for something he never did. Roxas wished he had slept with Axel, so he could compare, and know with certainty that Axel was better and rub it in Vanitas’ stupid face. But despite the building anger inside, Roxas’ body still responded. The sensation of being stretched and filled felt nice, after all. He moaned as Vanitas’ base finally pushed against his cheeks.

“You like this, Van? You like me being the first guy in you?”

“Yeah,” Roxas panted as Vanitas rocked into him at a steady pace, with his hands clutching Roxas’ hips for guidance. Roxas wanted Axel. He was beginning to feel pissed off that this was happening to him. Why should he let Vanitas win? If this was going to happen, he decided he might as well enjoy himself… and maybe give Vanitas back some shit too. That thought elicited a response from Roxas. “Axel,” he moaned quietly, hating himself for it but wishing it were true all the same.

Vanitas picked up his pace. “Tell me how good it feels.”

Roxas begrudgingly opened his imagination up to the things he had been trying to suppress. “Mmm, your cock. So – big. No wonder Roxas came to you.” He felt the pause in the thrusting. It made him smirk into the mattress.

Hands roamed over his back. Kisses were deposited. Roxas imagined Axel’s soft, caring hands on him, gently rubbing and fondling. He remembered the last kiss they shared, the first kiss, and all the nice things in between. He tilted his head to the side and as far up as he could. “Kiss me, Axel. Roxas says you’re an amazing kisser.” It was the one bit of truth he could admit to.

Lips pressed hard against his own. Vanitas’ tongue pushed in roughly, and Roxas sucked on him with heat and passion, using his memory as a guide to enhance the subpar kiss he was receiving right now.

Vanitas’ mouth drew off, a string of saliva still connecting them. “Axel,” Roxas reached after Vanitas. “Let me fuck myself on your cock. I need to slam myself on you.”

Vanitas’ eyes darkened, his jaw clenched. It was satisfying for Roxas to see the annoyance that flickered across his face.

Vanitas pulled out. “Anything for you, Vanitas. Your ass is so much hotter than Roxas’. I want my cock completely swallowed up by you.”

Roxas climbed on top of Vanitas as he rolled off. He pushed their erections together and rocked his hips to help him get a little bit harder. He trailed fingers idly over Vanitas’ body, wishing it were Axel’s he was touching. “Hey Axel, before I bury you in me… did Roxas ever tell you how much I love head? Because he told me how much you love sucking guys off. So how ‘bout it? We sound like a match made in heaven.” Roxas waggled his eyebrows at Vanitas and mentally apologized to Axel for making such assumptions about him. He scooched onto Vanitas’ chest and pushed his erection towards his boyfriend’s mouth.

Vanitas did not look amused. He moved his head to the side before Roxas’ slit came in contact with his lips. “Sorry babe, I got ulcers. Kissing you’s fine, but no dick in my mouth until I’m all healed up,” came the lame excuse.

Roxas resigned himself to that answer with an annoyed, “Fine.” He slid his backside down and pushed his mouth to Vanitas’. They kissed greedily, tongues wrestling. Roxas definitely felt more turned on now. Having some power over Vanitas, even in this limited sense, was exciting.

He tweaked at a rosy nipple before running his hand down to Vanitas’ erection, which he angled towards his anus. As he pulled away from Vanitas’ mouth he pushed onto the waiting erection, sighing. Roxas wondered what Axel would feel like, as he rocked himself on the firm flesh.

Eyes opened as he felt something cool tap against his forearm. Vanitas was holding out a condom to him.

Roxas rejected it. “It’s all right. You won’t make me come like this.”

Eyes narrowed. “How do you know?”

Roxas needed to have his penis touched to come, that’s why it was always such a chore with Vanitas. He sadly didn’t know if Vanitas liked anal, so he just went with what he knew. “There’s a reason I only give and don’t receive. As long as you don’t touch me you’ll stay clean. Hasn’t Roxas told you anything about the guy he loves?”

“He never mentioned anything about love.” There was a wary heaviness in Vanitas’ voice.

The words cut Roxas, and a wave of sadness washed over him. He had loved Vanitas… _still loved_ Vanitas, he corrected himself. What they were doing right now seemed counterintuitive to that sentiment, but Roxas had to hold onto the idea that they still loved each other. “He probably just felt too guilty to ever bring me up in conversation,” Roxas uttered quietly.

Eyes shyly looked at each other. At that moment they shared and acknowledged something for a fleeting moment.

Vanitas rocked up into Roxas and dropped the condom. “C’mon, babe. I’m not here for deep and meaningful’s. I wanna make you feel better for having a cunt of a boyfriend.”

Roxas let the guilt drop away. Instead, he rolled his hips and began wondering if Axel would be a clean-freak like Vanitas was. Roxas imagined that he wasn’t. He imagined coming all over Axel, licking it all off, and then having Axel kiss him until they couldn’t breathe anymore. Those thoughts made him moan. He rocked himself harder, angling to get the maximum friction on his prostate. _Fuck,_ that felt good. Axel’s name fell out of Roxas’ throat. He body-rolled to get more thrust as he slammed himself onto Axel’s cock.

Their bed creaked, they breathed heavily, Vanitas with desire, Roxas from exertion and want. Vanitas’ warm hand ran up and down Roxas’ arm, which was firmly planted on the man’s abdomen for anchorage.

The touch made Roxas break out in goosebumps. He imagined long fingers curling around his erection while he stimulated himself like this. Sweat was beginning to gather and roll down his brow. He kept uttering Axel’s name, softly. Pressure began to build in his backside, radiating outward. Pre-come was delightfully oozing and sliding down his shaft, which felt cool against the air and made him tingle as he moved faster and faster.

Heat and pleasure left him. Roxas was pushed and fell to the right, bouncing on the mattress. Vanitas was on top of him moments later, pushing Roxas’ legs to one side and running a hand along his flank.

“Hey, it was just getting good,” Roxas complained.

“Exactly. Can’t let it end just yet. I’m not done compensating you yet.” Vanitas found their tube of lubricant and reapplied some to himself, as well as to Roxas’ insides.

Still laying on his side, Roxas pushed back against the slippery intrusion whilst he fondled his head a little. But Vanitas saw and caught his wrist. He maneuvered their hands to Roxas’ mouth.

“Lick yourself clean.”

Roxas did, sucking on both their fingers and having a flashback of being with Axel at the zoo. He smiled at the memory, and then murmured in delight at being stretched, as Vanitas re-entered him. Roxas shifted his hips until the angle was giving him maximum pleasure.

Tilting his head up, he looked at Vanitas. He greatly regretted that the man didn’t wear a red wig, nor had beautiful green contacts in. But he supposed he had no right to whine since he didn’t possess dark hair or hazel eyes. Roxas didn’t dwell too much on the weirdness of Vanitas wanting to fuck himself. He closed his eyes and buried the side of his head into the mattress, imagining what Axel’s pants and gasps would sound like.

Vanitas, pretending to be Axel, was sighing about how much tighter and better Vanitas’ ass was than Roxas’. Roxas laughed it off internally. He wanted to get back on top. He wanted to feel that insane pleasure in his ass again. So, he reached over himself and pushed at Vanitas’ chest, just as the man was pulling out, which caused him to tumble backward. Roxas lunged after him, holding his body over Vanitas and descending onto the man’s lap.

“Hey, what gives?”

“I’ve decided I like being on top, even when I’m not doing the fucking.”

Vanitas sat up abruptly and slammed his forearm against Roxas’ shoulder, rolling them both over. He pinned Roxas’ hands at either side of his head and pushed his weight down onto Roxas’ hips. But Roxas got his legs around Vanitas sufficiently to roll them over so Roxas was on top once again.

They began wrestling for dominance in earnest. Vanitas was bigger, but Roxas was more flexible, so he managed to get himself out of various holds as their hands grabbed and slipped off one another.

It ended up with them facing each other in the middle of their bed. Roxas was half sitting, half kneeling over Vanitas, who was trying to stay as upright as possible on his own knees. Arms were wrapped around each other for support, and Vanitas moaned his own name into Roxas’ neck while he thrust upwards into Roxas’ ass. Roxas hugged Vanitas’ head, trying to shift his hips just enough to get a brush against his prostate. His penis twitched every time firm heat touched him there.

He moaned and muttered Axel’s name over and over again, half hoping to annoy Vanitas, and half wishing to somehow conjure up the redhead. Roxas continued calling out Axel’s name as Vanitas came with a deep grunt. Vanitas’ grip softened as his body relaxed, so Roxas leaned Vanitas back against the mattress and pushed, rocked, and fucked himself as hard as he could against the wilting erection before it completely disappeared. His penis throbbed, his backside tingled, and a strong pulsating need and urge spread through his whole body, radiating from that central spot.

It was such a good feeling. Roxas wanted it buzzing through his whole body. He threw his head back, eyes shut tight as he imagined Axel under him, in full gorgeous post-orgasm glory, with parted lips, flushed cheeks, and hair a red mess. Roxas had done that to him. He had made him come with his perfectly fine ass and adequate looks. Axel wanted no one but Roxas. He loved Roxas, and Roxas loved him right back.

The tension inside himself clamped up and after a split second snapped, releasing a pulsating wave of pleasure through every part of his body. His penis throbbed and fizzed, his limbs went limp, and he slowly collapsed onto the hot body beneath himself as pleasure rolled through and out of him.

Roxas’ body trembled and shuddered. He pushed his face into the crook of Vanitas’ neck and breathed out heavily. Vanitas’ arms went around his waist, holding him close.

“That was so good, Axel. Fuck, that was _so good_.” Roxas huffed with delight and a light chuckle.

Vanitas’ fingers dug into Roxas’ skin sharply and pushed Roxas aside. It was followed by a loud and low groan of disgust. “You should have put a fucking condom on. Ugh, it’s fucking _everywhere_! Yuck! Even on our sheets.” Vanitas looked at his hand in dismay as Roxas’ come slid off. He shook it off frantically but then yelped as some of it splashed his face.

“Whoops.” Roxas chuckled. It was satisfying to see Vanitas completely grossed out. Still feeling amazing and limp, he lifted the heavy weight that was his arm and brought their blanket up to dab at Vanitas’ face.

“Don’t ruin our sheets any more than they’ve already been wrecked.” Vanitas knocked Roxas hand aside easily enough.

“God, Axel. You need to learn to chill out. And I completely forgive you for fucking my Roxas. I can totally see why he let his morals slip,” Roxas drawled, high from sex.

“Game’s over, Roxas,” Vanitas scowled down.

Roxas still wore a dopey grin. He felt so satisfied for once in his life. Knowing it wouldn’t fly, he still offered, “I can lick you clean if you want,” and roused himself sufficiently to go for Vanitas’ hand, so he could start on fingers.

Vanitas gave him a horrified look. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He went to get up but on seeing come on his abdomen, halted.

Roxas sighed and went for the tissue box, throwing it at Vanitas’ head, who caught it and went to town ripping out the contents and scooping up the pooling mess on his body.

“Not like it’s any different than giving you a blowjob,” Roxas shrugged.

Vanitas threw the soiled tissues down on the bed. “I’m having a shower. Change the sheets and clean yourself up as well.” He strode off, but before he went through the door he had pulled open, said, “And for the record, it’s not even September yet.” He threw a glare back at Roxas and slammed the door shut behind himself.

The pleasant afterglow of sex extinguished in the blink of an eye. Not September? Roxas’ brain snagged on something and remembered that it had just been May. Their anniversary… Roxas was left with a deeply unsettled feeling in his gut and a sick cold clinging to his extremities.

He stirred and made to strip and remake their bed.

* * *

 

The day after their weird little sex act, Roxas had trouble looking Vanitas in the eyes. He felt exposed and ashamed. He wished he hadn’t gotten so deeply hooked into his fantasy, especially since it had obviously been a test that Vanitas had set up for him. A trap even, if Roxas was going to be cynical. And he had failed and fallen for it completely.

Worst of all, it was like their little roleplay undid everything that Roxas had been trying to hold together. He felt unhappier with each passing day, despite not much being all that different than before, aside from Axel’s absence in Roxas’ life.

To Roxas, it almost felt like all the crap he had been putting up with had only been bearable because he had Axel to distract himself from it. It wasn’t like things had been rosy before they moved here. In fact, Vanitas and Roxas had moved precisely because things had become so shit between them. There had come a period of well over a year where they had been excessively silent towards each other because Roxas had decided that he would never be right – that he could never please Vanitas – so he had just shut down and accepted the anger being directed at himself. But that had resulted in massive blow-ups. In Roxas being kicked out for several hours, or a whole night, with nowhere to go…. Well, the neighbors had started noticing, and because Roxas had been quite chummy with a few of the people on his floor there had been concerns raised.

The police coming around once had been the final straw which saw Vanitas push for a transfer to another city. They had both believed that the change in scenery might do them both good. It hadn’t been too farfetched of an idea. Things had improved almost as soon as the decision to move had been made. A mutual agreement to no longer yell at each other had been agreed upon. But being _nicer_ had somehow turned into being very passive aggressive on Vanitas’ behalf. Roxas had just withdrawn further into himself.

Perhaps Vanitas had noticed. Perhaps he had felt a little bit bad. Maybe that’s why he had sent Roxas away to Pensacola to get Cheshire settled in and to give them both a break from each other several weeks before they had planned to move. That thought had made Roxas feel warmer towards Vanitas and had made a hope flutter that they could fix things as long as they tried to care for one another.

So, with that reflection, Roxas had renewed his efforts to be there for Vanitas. But then he had met Axel… but Roxas had chosen Vanitas because there was history and memories of good times, and those memories were what Roxas clung on to.

Roxas redoubled his efforts.

Over the next days and weeks, he was the best boyfriend he could be. He did everything Vanitas asked of him, and even the things Vanitas didn’t ask of Roxas but expected of him. He tried to be thoughtful and make Vanitas as comfortable as possible when he came home from work. Yet it seemed that the more Roxas tried to be the best he could be for Vanitas, the more Vanitas turned away from him.

It was just work. Roxas told himself it was just work. Vanitas was getting busier with work. He would cancel their dinner plans and tell Roxas he wouldn’t be home until well past ten o’clock at night, if he would call or message at all. Roxas continued to make dinners and waited for Vanitas to come home. Even when that was at midnight or two in the morning. Roxas decided he would be there, waiting, with a smile. He would prove Vanitas’ assertions that he didn’t love him, wrong. He would push his thoughts of Axel aside and actually managed it all right.

But for whatever reason, Vanitas was not making it easy on Roxas. A disgruntled annoyance and irritation grew with time. Roxas tried not to care, not to show it. He tried to be a good, loyal boyfriend. Even when Vanitas came home smelling of foreign cologne.

There was some reprieve from feeling awful in that weekends were different. Where Vanitas didn’t seem to care about Roxas’ existence during the week, he certainly noticed Roxas on weekends. They went out and did stuff together. Neither of them talked about what was happening, instead focusing on whatever was right in front of them, which were things like art exhibits, festivals, sporting events, trying out various coffee shops, and attending concerts.

Roxas thought it was nice enough to spend all that time together, but it did not erase the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that Vanitas was always out seeing other men… or the same man. Whichever it was it didn’t matter. Roxas supposed this was some sort of revenge for Roxas’ past behavior. Roxas figured it was a fair enough call. He should have tried harder before now. He should have been more caring and made more of an effort back in Forrester. So, he decided to give it some time. If he could prove himself loyal and devoted, then maybe Vanitas would return to him.

* * *

 

It had been a month of consistently waiting for Vanitas to come home well past work hours that caused Roxas to have a moment of weakness. He wandered out to Organization 13 one evening. It was a Monday night, which meant only one thing to Roxas. But it was precisely this one thing which also stopped him from setting foot inside the bar.

He stood outside, watching revelers coming and going. He angled himself at the door in such a way that he could only just see one section of the bar, and he craned his head every time the bar doors swung open, hoping to catch a small glimpse of where his biggest regret and uncertainty worked.

He was out there for perhaps half an hour before he spied Axel. His chest swelled, and tears welled in his eyes. It had been a stupid idea, and so he went back home to stream the fifth season of a TV show he was mindlessly binging while he waited for Vanitas to crawl back from whichever hole he was burying himself in each night.

To Roxas’ surprise, Vanitas actually came home earlier that night than had been the norm. He was quite irritable if the door slam was anything to go by.

“Hi, Van! You’re home early. Everything all right? Bad day at work?”

Vanitas glared, pulling off his business jacket and casting it down onto the bench near the front door. “No. I was having a really good day, actually.” Vanitas thumped towards the kitchen and loudly made himself a drink.

Roxas paused his program and sat up, draping himself over the back of the sofa to look towards Vanitas. “So, what’s with the attitude?” he asked.

“What attitude?” Vanitas snapped, looking up from pouring a red liquid into his glass.

Roxas sighed. “Whatever. It’s nice to have you home before midnight for once. Want me to start cooking? It’s gonna be your favorite. Pumpkin soup with freshly made croutons,” he sang with an upbeat lilt.

“You _sure_ it’s nice to have me home?”

Roxas lost his smile. “Yeah, of course! I miss seeing you. I miss having you around.” It was true. Roxas had been feeling rather lonely during the week.

Vanitas scoffed and downed his drink.

“What?”

“Did you go out tonight?”

A lump lodged in Roxas’ throat. He had betrayed Vanitas by going to the bar tonight. Even though he hadn’t done anything, he had still fucked up. How did Vanitas know? Maybe one of Vanitas’ spies saw him there and let Vanitas know? That made Roxas very uncomfortable… and irritated. Roxas had really tried, but Vanitas was the one letting him down. He decided he would be honest about it. “I did go out. I’m lonely, Van. I miss you. It sucks being stuck here five days a week. So why are we doing this?”

Vanitas looked angry over Roxas’ admission, but he also looked a bit perplexed. “Doing what?” he said and took a big gulp of his drink.

Roxas sighed heavily. Having to address this issue was going to cause him a headache, but _not_ dealing with it was giving him an even bigger migraine. It had to be dealt with. Roxas was sick of how things were going so he dug deep for strength and spoke up, “I know you’re seeing someone. You always come home smelling like someone else. And you want me to know, or you’d have washed the stink off you. I haven’t said anything about it, because I thought if I tried to be the best I can be for you, that you’d stop and come back to me. But you haven’t. I don’t think it’s fair that you get upset if I go out one night, especially after you’ve left me alone for like a month. So why are we hurting each other and doing this?”

Vanitas seemed to ponder Roxas’ words for a while. He swirled whatever liquid was left in his glass and set it back down before he said, “By _this_ you mean our relationship?”

Roxas nodded.

“Do you want it to end?”

Roxas looked at his fingers for a while, pretending to search for an answer. The response had formed almost instantaneously in his head, but he figured he should keep up a pretense of this being a harder thing to admit to than it actually was, “I sometimes think it might be for the best. I don’t feel like you like me much,” he looked up tentatively.

Vanitas scowled. “Do you like me?”

Roxas had to genuinely think about that. “Yeah. But not how I used to like you.”

“That’s why I’m seeing other men.”

Of course, he knew, but the admission of guilt still stung. Roxas swallowed. “So, it’s my fault for not loving you enough?”

“Yep.” Vanitas downed the rest of his drink.

That abrupt, nonchalant response really riled Roxas up, and he groaned with frustration. “Then why are we still together?”

“I like having you around.” Vanitas pushed off the counter and started walking towards Roxas.

“You don’t act like it,” Roxas said, sullenness in his voice. He slumped down a little, arms still draped over the back of the sofa, but he was now sitting on his legs instead of kneeling.

“Well, I do.” Vanitas stood before Roxas, looking down at him. “And anyway, if I didn’t where would you go? What would you do? You can’t really support yourself,” he said, hands on hips.

Vanitas’ attitude was pissing Roxas off. He made it sound like Roxas was a charity case instead of being the man he was supposed to love. “Yeah, you made sure of that, didn’t you,” he muttered under his breath.

“Excuse me?” Eyes narrowed, dangerously.

Roxas glared back, mustering his inner strength. “You’ve been controlling all aspects of my life. No wonder I can’t get away from you.”

A dark eyebrow cocked. “So now you _want_ to get away from me? Again, where would you go?”

Roxas broke their eye contact. He had thought of his options over the last month of being more or less all alone. His heart had kept wandering to one source, while his mind had kept him on track with staying loyal to Vanitas.

Vanitas started laughing. “Oh, you think… —You think _Axel_ would take you in like a stray cat?” Vanitas laughed harder. “You think he _loves_ you? Well, think again. I went and saw that slimy son of a bitch—”

“When?” Roxas interrupted with great haste and lifted himself back up on his knees. His stomach flipped with immense discomfort.

“The day after our roleplay. You know what he said?”

Embarrassment nauseated Roxas. “What?” He leaned into the back of the sofa a little more with anticipation.

“That he wants nothing to do with you.” Vanitas smirked in self-satisfaction.

Roxas tensed at those words. He leaned back a little. “No. I don’t believe you.”

Vanitas scoffed and walked away.

“Van?” Roxas followed him with eyes as Vanitas silently walked toward – and disappeared into – their bedroom.

“Don’t walk away from me. You can’t just tell me bullshit and walk away,” Roxas yelled after the man and turned to face their bedroom, sitting back down on the plush furnishing.

Vanitas came back out after a few moments. His smirk had grown bigger. “Bullshit you say? Then what’s this?” He stood before Roxas again, his hand extended.

Roxas reflexively reached out, palm up. Vanitas opened his hand and two small metal objects plopped onto Roxas’ hand. He stared, forgetting how to breathe. His hand felt unbearably heavy. Two little penguins lay there. Roxas’ hand began trembling. He made a fist, trying to stop it from showing, and pulled his hand back to his chest.

“Clearly, those weird penguins mean something to you.”

They meant everything to Roxas. Yes, he had let go of Axel, but he had thought it to have been the kind thing to do. Axel returning them… it felt like an outright rejection of Roxas.

“So, looks like you’re stuck with me. Unless you wanna call your mom.”

Roxas looked to the ground and squeezed his hands tightly together. The penguin’s little beaks dug into his palm. The discomfort caused by them was nothing compared to the way his heart was hurting. He swallowed down his upset and focused on what Vanitas had just said. His mom was an option, though he hated the idea of depending on… well, anyone, ever again. In the past, he had entertained a fanciful thought about maybe making small accessories and selling them at various weekend markets he had visited with Vanitas. All he needed was time to accumulate money, and then he would be able to move out on his own merits.

“What is Axel to you anyway? Give me a straight answer.”

Vanitas’ demand snapped Roxas out of running calculations in his head around how much money he would need. “He’s… was… he’s just a friend.” Roxas couldn’t accept that Axel went from loving him to outright rejecting him.

“Just a friend? Really? A friend you go behind my back with to kiss and fuck?”

Roxas was getting tired of the accusation. He stood up, not liking Vanitas towering over him, and slid the penguins into his trouser pocket. “We never—”

“Where’s that fugly jacket you made, Roxas?”

His heart raced at the mention of the jacket. Why was he bringing it up now? “I threw it out.”

“Bullshit! I asked dear Axel about it.”

“So? What would he know about it?” Roxas tried to brush aside, but he was scared where this would go.

“He said you made it for him. He said he – Threw – It – Out,” Vanitas said slowly, intoning every word, and a snake of a smile crept onto his face.

The words were precisely placed daggers into Roxas’ heart. “He… he threw it—?” Tears were threatening to choke him.

Vanitas huffed out sharply. “ _Out_ ,” he finished. Hurting Roxas again. “Yeah. Why the fuck did you make him something like that?”

Axel threw out the jacket he made? Roxas had put in so much effort. Axel said he loved it – that he loved _him_. Axel had really gotten rid of it? Why would he do that? Roxas still loved him. He would always still love him… he just couldn’t physically do it. Every stitch, every patch, every link, every hour spent on it was filled with his love for that man. And Axel… threw it out?

“Roxas,” Vanitas barked.

“Huh?” Startled, he looked up. His vision was darker around the edges than before.

“Did you charge him for it?”

“What?”

“The fucking jacket,” Vanitas said in an extremely derisive tone and stepped towards Roxas.

Why did that matter? “No. Was free,” Roxas mumbled, head still spinning. He took a step back from Vanita and stumbled against the sofa. He moved to the side to get clear of it and Vanitas, who was still approaching.

“You’re making shit for free? For a dick on a stick like that?”

“I… he’s a friend.” Roxas’ mind was chasing the idea of Axel throwing out the jacket. It didn’t make sense. Roxas didn’t want to – couldn’t – accept it.

“I’m your boyfriend. You’ve never made me anything in your fucking life.”

Guilt smacked him. Roxas’ mouth fell open, his breaths came out short and shallow. “You never asked,” he barely got out above a hoarse whisper.

“Did _he_ ask?”

Roxas couldn’t say anything. He knew he was royally fucked. No matter what, Vanitas would lose his shit. He chose what he thought would be the safer of the two options and gave the tiniest of nods.

“You’re a fucking whore! You know that? You think about everyone else but me! _Me_! The one guy you should be thinking about above everyone else! I’m so sick of your shit, Roxas!” Vanitas roared and cornered Roxas against the wall with his angry approach. “I’m so sick of all your damn lies.”

His heart hammered away with fear and anger. Roxas ground his teeth. He was getting fed up of Vanitas’ shit and this was exactly what had happened the last time. Roxas didn’t even care. “You’re sick? I’ve had it fucking up to here,” hand flew to the top of his head, “with all your presumptuous shit! Even when I tell you the truth you don’t believe me. Everything I ever say to you, you outright deny, or claim it to be a lie. Have you ever trusted me? At all? _Ever_? I can’t have my own friends because you don’t trust me. I can’t have my own business or choose my own career or do anything without your supervision or consent because you don’t fucking _trust me_! What did I ever do to deserve any of that?”

“You’ve never proven yourself trustworthy. Not with that dish-soap dispenser of a guy, not with—”

“You’re _still_ on about that? You _still_ can’t let it go? _Nothing_ happened! Nothing!” Roxas yelled, as if that would somehow make Vanitas hear him for once. “All I ever said was that he was nice and then you got all paranoid! You started seeing shit that wasn’t there.”

“You’re still denying that you liked him? Own up to your shit.” Vanitas’ fingers twitched, and his face was going bright red.

“You’re the one who fucking kicked me out! Where else was I supposed to go? So who cares if I liked him or not? I was with you! I’ve only ever been with you, and that’s the bit you can’t get through your fucking arrogant head!”

Vanitas’ jaw jutted. “I want your heart, not just your body. You haven’t given that to me since we first met.”

Guilt, panic, sadness – it all hit Roxas simultaneously and doused his anger. “That’s not true,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s not true. I’ve tried. I’ve tried and tried and tried so fucking hard to give you my heart, but you… you squish it.” Tears started gathering in his eyes. Upset welled. “You say it’s not good enough. You find some tiny flaw. If you had just let me—”

“Let you? Every time I let you do anything you’ve disappointed me. You’re a fucking joke and I don’t know how I ever put up with you. I should have known better. You said you’d fucking stay in touch! That we’d be friends forever! That you’d always have my back! But you didn’t! You left!” Vanitas screamed into Roxas’ face.

Too many things went through Roxas’ head. The truth, the lies – Vanitas was throwing everything at him and twisting – always twisting. He was livid inside. The tears dried up. “I was a kid, Van! You know how sorry I am about that. Stop holding it against me. Your attitude is ruining our relationship,” he screamed right back.

“Your constant lying is what’s ruining our relationship!” Vanitas bellowed.

Roxas gave a guttural, frustrated, loud groan. Here they went again, around and around in circles. “What am I lying about?” he snapped.

“You lie to me all the time about where you’ve been.”

His stomach clenched a little bit. Roxas _was_ guilty of that but… “What makes you so omniscient all of a sudden to make you think you know everything?” He knew that response wasn’t what Vanitas was after but… fuck it. This fight was going to be massive. Even bigger than the one that had caused them to leave Forrester. Roxas wasn’t about to try and reign it in. He had enough.

“I do know everything. I know you’ve been going to that bar when I’m away. I know you go there on the days I ask you to come meet me. You’ve been going against my wishes ever since we moved here.”

“I have been nowhere but here, waiting for you to stop sticking your dick in guys, and come home.”

“So you’ve been good lately, so fucking what? That doesn’t absolve you of all the other times you’ve been doing shit I told you not to do. Like tonight. I came home because you can’t be trusted to stay home like a good boyfriend.”

Was it the spies? Was it something else? Roxas needed to know or he’d be paranoid forever. He pushed, “How do you even fucking know? You’re being delusional.”

Vanitas stared at Roxas for a hard few seconds. “You think I let you move here alone without getting a tracker on you?”

Roxas’ eyes widened. “A—You did _what_? No—How? _No_.” Shock and violation – it all felt the same. This was worse than having some people keeping tabs on him.

“Ah, that’s for me to know,” Vanitas teased, looking smug.

Roxas’ mind raced. What could—? There were only two things he ever carried on his person all the time. His keys and… _“My phone?”_

“Maybe you’re not quite as dumb as a brick,” Vanitas’ eyebrows raised mockingly.

“You were fucking _spying on me_? What for?” Roxas shoved the palm of his hand against Vanitas’ shoulder, trying to get himself away from the wall.

“To make sure you stayed safe.” A hand clasped Roxas’ wrist and squeezed painfully.

“Like fuck!” Roxas yanked his hand free and pushed past Vanitas, making for the coffee table where he picked up his phone and threw it back at Vanitas’ feet. It smashed to bits against the wood-looking tiled floor. “This is what I think of you keeping me safe!” he screamed. “Why can’t you let the past just die and trust me?”

Vanitas looked down at the smashed phone and then looked back up, almost in disgust. “You’ve never given me a reason _to_ trust you. You tell me shit that’s not true all the fucking time. Or you avoid telling me shit. But you not telling me shit is just as bad as you lying to me. So that’s why I have to monitor you. Because even when you tell me you’re staying home, you fucking don’t!”

He actually felt terrified at that moment. “You’re insane! Psychotic! You’re a complete control freak!” Roxas yelled, retreating a little bit.

“You knew how I was before we got together. You knew how upset I was with you leaving me behind before we fucked.”

Roxas had a very volatile reaction to that. His stomach twisted. Vanitas had been so vulnerable, opening up to Roxas about all the hurt he had experienced, and Roxas had been so terribly moved that he had ended up comforting the other man with his body. What had once been a beautiful memory now turned rancid. “I wish I had never cared about you. I would have saved myself years of misery if I hadn’t been with you,” he spat with hurt, continuing to back away from Vanitas.

“You’re so naive if you think I’m the problem here.”

Roxas laughed dryly. “Wow. You’ll never let things go, huh.”

“You think finding yourself a new guy to fuck is going to fix anything? You think you might be happier with some dick who only, at best, wants to use you?”

“He doesn’t want to use me. He loves me,” Roxas blurted out. He didn’t want to believe Vanitas. He didn’t want to believe the penguins in his trouser pocket. He didn’t want to believe the story of a thrown-out jacket. Axel loved him. He had told him as much.

Vanitas tilted his head and the snide smirk dropped into a deadpanned expression, “You really think anyone could _love you?”_

Roxas swallowed. “You… do.” But he wasn’t even sure anymore. Everything that had happened lately said otherwise.

Vanitas blinked. “I don’t even know sometimes.”

The confirmation hurt. “Is that why you’re seeing other guys?”

“What’s it even matter to you? You’ve never cared about me.”

It was always this push and pull inside himself. Vanitas’ words made him feel bad, because he still cared. Despite everything he always still cared. “Van, that’s not true,” he said softly.

“It might as well be true. You don’t love me anymore. And the way you screamed his name when you came says it all, really.”

He was still so embarrassed about that night. He looked away, cheeks heating up. “You made me call you that,” he tried to defend himself.

“You could have not played into it. But you loved it, so you didn’t refuse. I know. Every time we had good sex – I know that you were thinking about _him_ ; that fucking flagpole of a freak.” Vanitas was once more encroaching on Roxas’ space, forcing Roxas back, around furniture, towards the void between his workroom and the kitchen.

Cheeks continued to heat with embarrassment and humiliation. “No,” he breathed out.

“Liar,” Vanitas barked. “You love him more than me. You’ve given up on me.”

“No,” he said in a firmer tone of voice, meeting glaring eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you every goddamn night. I’m trying to reach out to you to make things better but you… you hate me or something. You don’t want to be with me at all.”

“I can’t be with you when your heart belongs to someone else.”

Roxas wanted to cry with frustration and anger. He couldn’t break through. Everything was his fault and he was so sick of it. But what else could he do? How could he make Vanitas ever believe him? “It wants to belong to you, Van, but you’re not letting me in.”

“Then say it. Tell me you don’t love him.”

Roxas’ heart fluttered, and throat tightened as he thought about denying what was his burning truth. He hesitated only a second before saying, “I don’t love him.”

It was enough of a pause for Vanitas’s nostrils to flare. “Liar,” he shouted, storming towards Roxas.

Roxas stepped back further, his back hitting the wall. Hands splayed out against it. “No.”

Vanitas closed the distance between them and growled. His hand flew to Roxas’ neck, gripping at the chain. “This is why I had a tracker on you. This is why I had to go to that bar to get information on you for myself. You never – _tell_ _me_ – anything!” With that he ripped his hand away, taking Roxas’ chain along with it.

Roxas’ hand flew to his neck. “Ow, what’re you—”

“Finding out the truth for myself. I’m gonna see what’s in your fucking heart.” Vanitas charged towards Roxas’ workspace.

Roxas followed him close behind, trying to pull him away to no avail. “You’re being paranoid for stupid reasons,” he yelled.

Vanitas ignored him, entering Roxas’ room. He beelined for the sewing desk, ripping drawer off its rollers and pulling Roxas’ keepsake box out. Roxas tried to pull Vanitas away again, grabbing ahold of his arm but Vanitas pulled out of his grasp. Roxas tried to snatch his box out of Vanitas’ hands but was pushed, tripping over the drawer, and fell to the floor.

“That’s mine,” he yelled, scrambling back up.

Vanitas opened the box with Roxas’ key and rummaged through the contents. Rabid movements stilled. A small smile played, as he probably saw the photos of the two of them Roxas kept in there. But then he dug deeper. A grunt left his throat. He took out what he had found and thrust it into Roxas’ face. “What’s _this_ , huh? Exp—”

The photo of Roxas and Axel at the café was staring only a few inches away from Roxas’ nose. Cold sweat broke out over Roxas’ body. Vanitas was reading the message on the back.

“Fall in love with—wants you—waits for you. Understands you even in—Fall in love— talks to you after… a fight.” Eyes snapped off the writing on the back. “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Roxas held his hands up with his palms facing outward. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Have you _slept_ with this fuck?”

“No,” Roxas spat. “Stop accusing me of that already. I’ve never slept with him.”

“But you wished you had!” and with that Vanitas tore the photograph in half and into smaller pieces, before throwing them in Roxas’ face.

Roxas actually stopped himself from saying _no_. “Yeah,” he admitted with an abrupt bark. And it felt good to do so. “So what? Not like I ever acted on it,” he yelled as the torn pieces fluttered to the ground. “Not like I’m a fucking cheating dickhead like you. You’ve _actually_ been sleeping with guys while your heart should belong to me. I’m the one who should be upset!”

“So why aren’t you?”

“I fucking am. I’m furious!”

“No, you’re not. You want us to fall apart. You’re pushing me away, so you can get away guilt free. You’re a scheming toad.”

“Why is everything always my fault?” Roxas screamed in exasperation.

“I’m all you should want,” Vanitas deflected.

Rage boiled and Roxas huffed. “And I’m all _you_ should want, but you’re out sleeping around.”

“At least I’m upfront about it.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m the big bad. You’re the damn saint. I don’t get why you even bother with me. Why do you insist on keeping me around?”

Something in Vanitas softened. A gentle, “I told you, I like having you around,” followed.

“So you can abuse me? Is that it? That’s what it feels like to me. So don’t blame me for being drawn to guys who treat me nice.”

A glare sprang back up on Vanitas’ face. “Clearly, he doesn’t know you well enough, or he wouldn’t be doing things that make you want to stick with him.”

Roxas’ mouth hung open. He shook his head. “Wow, just wow. I’m done with this. I don’t have to put up with your shitty mood.” Roxas turned, making for the door.

“Rox, don’t leave it like this. I’m sorry. Yeah, you’re right, I should listen to you— believe you.”

Roxas stopped. His heartstrings pulled at the vulnerability in Vanitas’ voice. He cast a glance over his shoulder and saw the worry on Vanitas’ face. Roxas wanted to walk away, but… he turned around instead. “Thank you.”

Vanitas took a small step towards Roxas. “You promise that there’s nothing going on with you and that homewrecker?”

“His name’s Axel, and there’s nothing going on. I chose you, Van. The last time I saw Axel was to say goodbye to him, because I chose you.”

That seemed to take the remaining steam out of Vanitas. Eyes fell down, almost chastened.

Roxas felt exhausted. He was physically and mentally wrecked.

Vanitas’ attention returned to the box, sitting on Roxas’ desk. He picked up the old photos of them together and smiled. “You kept these.”

“Yeah. You’re important to me.”

“You’ve given him up completely?” Vanitas asked, casting eyes onto Roxas briefly.

That thought still triggered something inside of Roxas, but he said, “Yeah. I’m desperate to try to make it work with you.” He meant it. He really did, though he truly didn’t understand why, considering the yelling match they had just gone through. There was an ember of a hope that maybe this fight was different. Maybe this time they could work through their issues and work on building the trust back up.

Vanitas gave Roxas the smallest smile. He looked frail and tired at that moment. His eyes fell back to the box, fingers rummaged and dug around some more, and then suddenly brows narrowed and a glare formed on Vanitas’ face. “What’s this number doing in here?”

His stomach plummeted. The thought of telling Vanitas the truth – it froze Roxas to his core. “It’s just a number of one of the first places I ate at here,” he tried to pass off as confidently as possible. “You know I like to collect memories.” Technically it wasn’t a lie… he remembered something about chicken wings and falling asleep on Axel.

“Is that all I am to you? A memory?”

“Huh? What, no. Why’re you—”

“What food was it?” Vanitas snapped.

“What?”

The paper with the number was held aloft and waved. “The restaurant you went to. What food was it?”

Roxas’ heart raced. He should have told Vanitas the truth but now… “Mediterranean.” Roxas shrunk back and narrowly avoided getting his keepsake box smashed into his face. It hit the wall instead, breaking apart. Contents spilled everywhere, and photographs fluttered across the room.

“It’s _his_ , isn’t it!” Vanitas shrieked.

“No, I told you it’s a—”

“Stop. Lying!” Vanitas roared. “Nothing you ever say is true. It’s your fuckbuddy’s number. You invited him over, didn’t you? While I’m away, I bet. You two screwed on _my_ bed while I’m gone!”

“Van, you’re being completely mental. You see the phone bills. You know I never call anyone but mom,” he tried to stay calm and reasonable, despite his chest hurting from the way his heart hammered against it.

Vanitas glared, huffing through grit teeth. “Call it!”

“What?”

“Call the damn number!”

Vanitas grabbed Roxas by the arm, nails digging in, causing Roxas to flinch. He was dragged out to the living room, and over to the kitchen counter where their cordless landline sat.

“Dial the number, Roxas!” Vanitas waved the scrap bit of paper in Roxas’ face and then slammed it down on the counter.

“No. I’ve got nothing to hide. You call it. It’s just a restaurant.” Roxas wished he had discussed this scenario with Axel, instead of just agreeing on a dumb codeword.

“You will speak to him.” Still gripping Roxas tightly around the upper arm, Vanitas dialed the number and enabled the loudspeaker function.

Roxas didn’t know where this was heading. He had never seen Vanitas in a state like this before. The man’s face was a deep shade of red and nostrils flared with huffs of rage.

Roxas couldn’t stop his arms from trembling. Vanitas’ nails dug in harder, pulling Roxas closer to him. “Tell him your name. Tell him you love him, and that you want him to come over. And you _better_ make it convincing.”

He was genuinely terrified now. Why did Vanitas want Axel to come over? Roxas couldn’t let anything happen to him.

Dial tone eventually gave way to a, “Hello, how can I help you?”

Axel’s voice would have been music to Roxas’ ears if it didn’t make him want to die with panic at that moment. There was the faint sound of people in the background. Taking a brief look at the time displayed on their microwave, Roxas surmised that Axel was just finishing off his shift and was probably leaving the bar. Roxas felt his pulse in his stomach.

Swallowing down the lump he began, warily, “Hey, it’s Roxas.” God, how he hoped this codeword business was going to work out for him, even if he had shot himself in the foot with the restaurant stuff.

Vanitas squeezed his arm with cruelty.

Roxas barely kept the wince inside. “I, ah, just wanted to…” Roxas closed his eyes and imagined Axel standing before him, looking at him the way he had when he told Roxas that he loved him. A sob was threatening to bubble up, but he held it in, “tell you that I love you.”

“Say his name,” Vanitas growled into Roxas’ ear.

“Axel. I love you with all my heart. I want you to come over, please.” Roxas had failed to hide the tremble in his voice. He wanted to throw up.

There was static on the other end. Roxas still hadn’t dared to open his eyes. He was listening intently for any non-verbal signs from Axel that he understood that, despite this being under duress, Roxas still meant it. Despite Axel having given back the penguins and… thrown out the jacket? He hoped that whatever had happened didn’t diminish the love he had shown to hold for Roxas.

 _“Ah,”_ Axel’s voice crackled through the line. He began laughing. _“Is that you, Simon? Quit playin’ pranks. We’re an established business, not ya personal comedy club.”_

Roxas opened his eyes. Vanitas looked pissed off. He yanked Roxas’ arm in some sort of attempt at communicating goodness knew what. But Roxas knew he needed to keep talking. “No, it’s not Simon. It’s Roxas. Quit playing around, Axel.” He tried to sound as stern as possible, without meaning anything behind it.

_“Sorry, buddy, no Axel’s here. We got a Chloe, a Matthew, a Zidane. Oh, Susanna’s fun. If you wanna play games, I’ll get her on and she’ll give you an earful.”_

“No, I’m not playing—”

_“Then order a pizza or get off the line. We’re a busy establishment here.”_

Pizza. Why hadn’t Roxas thought of pizza? He swallowed the knot of dread. “Ah, yeah, sorry. Of course.” Roxas looked at Vanitas to see how much further he insisted Roxas go.

Cold eyes stared, clearly not amused.

“Um, I’d like a garden salad, and a small Hawaiian, with extra pineapple, please.” Roxas ordered what they’d normally get, if for some inexplicable reason they ever got take-out, and hoped that somehow their food would magically appear within half an hour if this went further.

_“Sure, a small Hawaiian, with extra pineapple, and garden salad. Will that be all? Any drinks?”_

“No, thanks.” It was a really bizarre exchange. They hadn’t talked in over a month, there were penguins in Roxas’ pocket to say Axel was done with him, and now Roxas was ordering a fake pizza. Was it weird that Roxas felt warm affection bubbling up just from hearing Axel talking about pizza?

_“That’ll be twenty-one, fifty-nine, to be paid on delivery. Can I get an address?”_

“Uh, yeah, sure. Apartment num—”

Vanitas pushed the call decline button. “Enough. Mediterranean? Pizza? You two couldn’t even get your fucking stories straight.” Vanitas gave Roxas a sharp yank on the arm.

“It’s been a while since I ate there. I think I had a Mediterranean pi—”

“Stop playing me for some kind of a moron.”

“I’m not.”

“You make a terrible liar. After all I’ve given you, you treat me like this. I’ve had enough of you, Roxas. You ungrateful, dishonest, adultering cocksucker. Clearly, everything I’ve given you has gone uncherished.” His hand gripped even tighter on Roxas’ arm.

It became unbearable so Roxas yanked free and moved away from Vanitas and his wrath. “You’re overreacting. Let’s just get some sleep and—”

“No. I refuse to sleep in the same bed as you.” Vanitas roared and walked with great speed towards Roxas’ workroom.

Roxas followed. “Just calm down, all right?”

Vanitas stormed to the window, unlocking and pushing it open. He turned back, glared at Roxas, and headed towards Roxas’ sewing desk. “Fuck you! I’m going to teach you a lesson about how not to treat someone you’re in a relationship with.” He leaned down behind the sewing desk, fiddling with something and upon standing again, picked up the sewing machine.

“Van?” His eyes went wide.

“You’re completely ungrateful. If you don’t think you need me then you won’t need this either,” Vanitas spoke with anger as he walked towards the open window. He quickly looked out of it and then hoisted the machine over the sill and let go.

“Are you insane?” Roxas screamed, running towards Vanitas and looking out the window to see the machine hit the concrete pavement below, with a tremendous crashing sound. It smashed into tiny pieces. Some people who had been walking nearby stopped and stared.

“Are you okay?” Roxas yelled down into the street.

 _“Are you fucking insane? There’s people walking here!”_ came the shout from the street.

“Sorry!” he yelled back before turning back towards Vanitas in anger. “What’re you _thinking_! You could have killed someone!”

“Maybe I should,” he deadpanned.

Roxas froze, and the two men stared at each other; Roxas with shock and Vanitas with utmost hate. Vanitas then turned away and walked out of the room. Roxas didn’t follow. He looked towards the window, at the empty space on his desk, at the broken bits of his keepsake box, and its contents scattered around.

A piercing clatter snapped Roxas’ head around. He ran to the doorway. Vanitas was rifling through the kitchen cupboards, and by the looks of things pulling out all of Roxas’ favorite cups and novelty mugs, smashing them on the ground.

Roxas flinched with every smash. “Stop that!” he ordered.

Novelty Tetris mug came flying towards him. Roxas flung himself back into the other room. The loud smash right behind him made Roxas’ ears ring. His heart was in his throat, and his breath ran ragged. He carefully looked back around the doorframe into the open area. He watched Vanitas stalk into their bedroom.

Roxas stayed put. He needed to wait this out and hoped it wouldn’t take too long. As he kept watch, he saw his clothes flying through the open doorway, landing in a pile. The stream of clothes stopped and there was a quiet in the apartment. A second later there came a loud screech and a wail which Roxas recognized and filled him with abject terror.

Vanitas came out of their bedroom holding Cheshire under his arm while he cruelly squeezed and held her paws together so she couldn’t scratch him and she frantically writhed in his grip. Vanitas nodded to the pile of clothes while he struggled to hold the cat. “I want all of these out of my home. I don’t care what you do with them, but if they—Ow! You mangy fucking cunt,” Vanitas snapped at Cheshire who was biting his arm. He gave a squeeze, and she howled and hissed. “If they aren’t gone by tomorrow night I’m burning it all,” he finished and then stomped towards Roxas, his eyes filled with disgust.

Roxas ducked back behind the doorframe, backing away as Vanitas entered. Cheshire was crying and hissing, struggling against Vanitas’ hold. Roxas’ heart raced but he felt paralyzed and powerless from bewilderment to do anything. He watched Vanitas head towards the window. Terror’s icy grip was almost suffocating Roxas. As Vanitas reached the still-open window Roxas watched, as arms, filled with squirming cat, were outstretched. Everything slowed down. Roxas felt his heart painfully race and shake his whole body with horror. He forced his legs into motion, running at Vanitas with a wild roar accompanying his charge, and rammed his shoulder into the man’s side, knocking him off balance and away from the window.

Cheshire screeched, leapt from the loosened grip and bounded away towards the living room. Meanwhile, the two men landed on the floor. Roxas was atop Vanitas, huffing, watching his cat flee. He was pushed to the side and his head smashed into the floor. White noise filled his ears and he saw the ceiling, as well as Vanitas’ rage-filled face coming into view and staring down at him.

Roxas winced in pain as punches fell against his stomach and ribs. He screamed and struggled against Vanitas’ pummeling, managing to free himself by landing a knee in Vanitas’ side, and rolled away. “You’re fucking crazy, Vanitas!” he screamed. “What’s Chesh ever done to you? How _dare_ you touch her! Your beef is with me, not her!” he yelled and thumped the ground with an open palm for emphasis.

Vanitas sat, legs akimbo and clutching his side. “If we didn’t have her I’d never have had to let you come here alone! I could have been with you and that fucking ginger freak would never have been able to get to you, and things would be as they have always been,” he yelled back.

Roxas ground his teeth. “Fuck you! It’s not her fault, it’s not Axel’s fault. Us falling apart was always going to happen, because I’m unhappy, Van. You’ve been paranoid and distrusting of me for our whole relationship. There’s always been a wedge between us, and… the thing you’re so worried about is only happening because you’ve been so worried about it happening.”

Vanitas didn’t say anything. He glared and breathed heavily for a while before he got up.

“Where’re you going?” Roxas asked, following the man with his eyes.

“Out. Clean up the mess you made me make.” Vanitas turned off the lights as he went to the front door, leaving Roxas to sit in the dark.

The sound of the door slamming shut rung in his ears. Roxas lay down, staring up at the ceiling. Street noise and a soft, shifting breeze came in from the window. Roxas put his hands on his chest. His heart was still hammering away. He breathed quietly, but it turned more ragged as the shock and adrenaline vanished from his body leaving him aware of the ache that Vanitas’ rough handling and punches had inflicted on him. The sting behind his eyes grew stronger, and tears finally unleashed as Cheshire came scurrying towards him, burying her head in his armpit. He snuggled his cat, checking to make sure she wasn’t hurt. Roxas would never forgive Vanitas for this terrorizing Cheshire.

He stayed on the floor for a while until the sobs no longer held any meaning to him. He had enough. He didn’t want to be doing this with Vanitas anymore, but he had no way out. His plans of selling small items had literally flown out the window and lay shattered in a million pieces on the street below. But he had to get out. He had to disappear. He would find a way.

* * *

 

Roxas did not, in fact, clean up Vanitas’ mess. The most he did was gather up his clothes, move them into his workspace, and build himself a nest to sleep on. Not that sleep was easily come by. Roxas needed out. He needed it as soon as possible before the worst-case scenario happened. His brain scrambled for a feasible way out but came up blank. Getting a job would take too long. He only had a few dollars to his name. He had no friends to turn to. Of course, Axel popped into his head. Axel had promised he’d be there for Roxas. But the penguins in his pocket said something else. Vanitas’ news that Axel had thrown out the jacket was a clear, ‘ _it’s over’_ sign. That thought pinched the bridge of his nose with sadness.

He was reluctant to believe it. It wasn’t the first time, after all, that Vanitas had told him something untrue to get a reaction out of him. But he also didn’t want to risk it being true and making Axel even madder at him by showing up out of the blue at his work.

He chewed his lips for a while, wondering what he should do. He wanted the safety of Axel. He wanted out of this apartment. But he couldn’t leave Cheshire behind. Roxas contemplated calling Axel again. He _had_ played along when Roxas had been made to call him, and not gotten upset with him. That gave Roxas some hope. He got off the floor and carefully picked his way through the minefield littered with ceramic shards, to make for the landline, where he hit the redial feature when he reached it. His grip was like a vice on the phone as he listened to the dial tone. It started robotically reading out the number it was dialing. Roxas hung up as soon as he recognized the number to be Vanitas’. He cursed himself for not having listened to Axel about memorizing the number.

Roxas then reconsidered visiting Axel at work. Maybe it would be okay. But he’d have to wait until Thursday to see him. That was too far away. He did have the option of going over there and getting Axel’s number from one of his work colleagues, but he didn’t want to impose himself on the other man in such a way. No. He’d somehow manage without Axel. He’d have to swallow his pride and call his mother. She wouldn’t have a problem giving him money to come visit her. But there would be a problem getting money to him. He didn’t possess a bank account.

An irritated groan filled the room. Roxas had been a complete moron for getting himself into such a vulnerable position with Vanitas. He decided he would go to a bank tomorrow, then call his mom, and hopefully be out of there by next week, if not sooner.

With that shameful decision made, he tiptoed back into his room and went to sleep on his mattress made of clothes.

* * *

 

Morning light shone on Roxas’ face, stirring him awake. He groaned and rolled over, facing the door. He ached – and it wasn’t just because of his makeshift bed of clothing he had slept on. He could feel the bruises forming on his sides, and his upper arm – where Vanitas had held him in a vice-like grip – was tender. There was also a slight headache stabbing at him if he moved too quickly. He stared out into the nothingness, his head a little fuzzy regarding the night before and how it had all unfolded, but his body definitely held the story of the aftermath. Roxas also remembered what he had told himself he would do in the morning, and he was determined to do it.

Roxas felt something move behind himself. It took effort, but he rolled back over to see something lumpy moving under one of his vests. Pointed ears appeared and then a paw stuck up into the air. Roxas pulled the garment off Cheshire’s head and made a little sound of surprise at his cat and laughed at the way she blinked at him.

She didn’t look worse for wear given the trauma she had experienced the night before. The way she batted at Roxas as he went to playfully attack her gladdened his heart. The good mood turned sour though. Cheshire writhed around, righting herself, and hissed at the space behind Roxas. He followed her glare to see Vanitas standing in the doorway.

“Morning,” the man said flatly.

Roxas grimaced and hoisted himself up into a slouched sitting position. It made everything hurt worse. He gave a sharp hum in pain, and of recognition of the other man.

Vanitas made to approach and Roxas shrunk back, causing Vanitas to stop. “I’m – sorry. For last night. For breaking your things. I’ve – been cleaning up,” Vanitas vaguely pointed behind himself.

Roxas brought his knees to his chest and wound his arms around his legs, resting his chin on his knees. He stared at the ground.

“I overreacted. I’ve been really stressed at work. I’m sorry.” Vanitas knelt before Roxas and ran a hand down his arm.

Roxas pulled away.

“I didn’t mean it. Please don’t be mad. Let me make it up to you.”

Roxas didn’t want to get sucked back into a life with Vanitas. He was determined to stick to his plan, but also didn’t want to make Vanitas angry again. “You’re not mad about me not cleaning up?” he asked, genuinely curious about the lack of wrath Vanitas was displaying.

“No. I was wrong. I don’t want you out of my life, but I’m so scared of you leaving. I realize I’m driving you away. Let me try to be better – to do better. Please.” Vanitas had folded his arms around Roxas’ head, holding him. “Let me make it up to you.”

Roxas reluctantly wrapped his arms around Vanitas’ sides and spoke into his chest, “What do you have in mind?”

Vanitas pulled away and looked down at Roxas. “I’ll give you a blowjob.”

“What?”

“I’ll suck your cock until you come.”

Roxas just stared up at him blankly.

Vanitas pulled away a little more, moving towards Roxas’ pants. That woke Roxas up and he scrambled back a bit, swatting hands away from his zipper. “No, I don’t want that from you.”

A hint of irritation flashed. “Why not?”

“I know you don’t like doing that.” And frankly, Roxas didn’t want Vanitas anywhere near him right now.

“I need to do something though—I’ll take you out tonight.” Vanitas sat back and looked him over. “Anywhere you want to go.”

“Take me home. Take me to my mom’s place,” Roxas tried, with a bit more ferocity than he had intended.

Vanitas’ face hardened. Roxas knew that face. Something terrible was about to fly out of that mouth. But just as quickly as it appeared, it vanished again. “Okay, I’ll take you. But… can it wait until the weekend at least? I’ve still gotta go to work.”

“You promise? You _swear_?”

“Yeah. But first, let me take you somewhere nice. Let me make it up to you these next few days, and then we can visit your mom and dad.”

Roxas looked at Vanitas. His insides were still screaming at him, ‘ _No Roxas. Don’t fall for it. Not again!’_

“All right,” he mumbled.

A sigh of relief left Vanitas. “Thank you, babe. Are you gonna be okay today? I’ll be home on time.”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay. Look, I have to go to work. I didn’t get around to cleaning everything up. You don’t mind tidying up what I didn’t get around to doing, do you?”

Roxas gave a weak eye-roll. “Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll sort it out.”

“Thanks. You’re the best, baby.” Vanitas kissed Roxas on his forehead and then got up to go, straightening his pale gray suit and mustard yellow tie. “I’ll be back before six.”

Roxas waved weakly and waited for Vanitas to leave, after which he wiped at his forehead. Roxas frowned. Vanitas had stunk of that cologne again. He rose with a grunt and walked out into the main living area to see that most of the mess was still exactly where it had been left last night. The only exception was that a dustpan and broom, with one piece of broken ceramic placed on it, stood in the middle of the space.

Roxas laughed with derision. They were doing their dance again. The one where Vanitas pretended to be nice to suck Roxas into believing that they could work things out. But they would inevitably end up fighting again. Things never changed. Roxas wasn’t going to let this happen again. No way. He was definitely going to the bank today. But maybe he could hold off calling his mom. At least until the weekend passed.

* * *

 

Roxas had slowly tidied everything up. All the shards of ceramics, all the knocked-over, and moved furniture. He picked up the pieces of his wooden box and lamented its destruction. His grandmother had given the box to him. He was mad at Vanitas for having destroyed it. He was even more angry over Vanitas having ripped up the photograph Axel had given him, and for throwing all of Roxas’ important things all over the place.

He crawled around on the floor, gathering up his little trinkets before Cheshire could find and gnaw on them. He collected the torn pieces of the photograph and he even picked up the photographs of himself and Vanitas, though he wrinkled his nose at them. Then he put everything in a clear plastic bag and stowed it away in one of the pockets of his clothes until he could find a safe place for these things.

Time was ticking away and Roxas still had a lot to do, so he went into the bathroom to shower and shave. He undressed in the bathroom and when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, it made him halt and wince. He looked at the forming bruises which wrapped around himself. He tried to commit them to memory. These weren’t the first bruises Vanitas had left on him – but they would be the last. Roxas _had_ to remember this. He had to remember the endless violent fights, the hurtful words, and the complete distrust. To forget was to doom himself.

He showered and groomed himself carefully, got dressed, and went outside, to clean up the pieces of his broken sewing machine – but it was all gone. The lack of evidence of what had happened last night only made him feel furious, but he was also relieved that no one had gotten hurt by Vanitas’ ridiculous stunt. He grit his teeth and headed off into town, armed with the travel card and other forms of ID, and got himself signed up with a bank account.

After this, he wandered the city, not caring to go home to a bunch of bad memories. Roxas felt light being outside on his own without his phone and apparent tracking device. What was he? A dog? It pissed him off. Vanitas’ treatment of him pissed him off. He couldn’t believe Vanitas had done that. He couldn’t believe he had _let_ Vanitas do that. It sort of felt sickeningly inevitable though, and certainly made Vanitas’ behavior – the early arrivals, strange looks, and irritation – make more sense now.

That alone was enough reason to leave Vanitas.

Eventually, Roxas stopped his aimless angry-stomping through the city. Not having any money to do anything with saw Roxas return home. He thought about hopping online and making himself some social media profiles, because _fuck_ Vanitas. But when he searched, he couldn’t find the laptop anywhere because _fuck_ Vanitas. Of course, Roxas should have expected this. Vanitas never trusted him, and especially not now. So Roxas spent time packing away most of his things in his suitcase, in anticipation of going home. He hated the thought of leaving Axel behind but was determined to find him again over the internet or call the bar once he had gotten himself figured out, and then try and make things right between the two of them.

Where the thought of leaving Axel made him ache in the pit of his stomach, the idea of leaving Vanitas rejuvenated him. He already felt like he had options opening up to himself and felt eager anticipation for being alone and doing whatever he damn well pleased without being accountable to anyone else. He was pretty sold on the idea and was certain that Vanitas wouldn’t be able to change his mind, because that _was_ what Vanitas was planning to do. But not this time.

Roxas got dressed in his favorite outfit; baggy white pants with a bunch of belts looped around the waist and sliding down his hips, black tank top, a white vest with asymmetrical sleeves – long enough to cover the bruising – and black-and-white checker accents embroidered on the garment. He even had low-rise heel boots which he had redressed with black-and-white denim. Clamping matching colored bracelets on, and a choker he had made, he waited for Vanitas to come home.

Vanitas arrived before six, as he had promised. Roxas watched in delight how Vanitas’ face fell when he saw what Roxas was wearing.

“Are you ready to go out?” Vanitas asked.

“Yup,” Roxas said, swinging legs while he sat on the bar stool by the kitchen counter.

“Okay, let me get changed,” and with that, he disappeared into the bedroom.

Roxas was actually happy that Vanitas made no remark about his clothes. He could look as unhappy as he wanted, just as long as he shut up about it. Roxas turned back to the kitchen counter where he was working on a Sudoku puzzle.

Vanitas didn’t take long getting his goth on. They left their apartment, looking like a weirdly mismatched couple. Roxas felt it reflected them beautifully. He really didn’t feel like they suited each other any longer.

Once they got out onto the street they walked side by side, with none of the usual hand holding. They headed towards the main street where all the buses ran and Roxas’ thoughts were on where he would like to go eat. They hadn’t gotten far when a familiar scent wafted along the breeze, pulling Roxas’ head up and around. A tall man in a suit and wearing a hat had just passed them by. The strong scent attached to him smelled like Axel’s cologne. Roxas turned back around, feeling sadness wash over him at that memory and thought.

They went out to a place which served greasy Asian noodles in a box. It was one of the furthest things from healthy that Roxas could find, and he was in gastronomic heaven. Roxas appreciated that Vanitas was putting on a brave face for him. Their talk was stilted and mostly they sat in silence, but Roxas appreciated that as well in a way. It was nice to be able to sit with his boyfriend without having to worry about being asked questions regarding where he had been and what he had done. It was also nice to not have to listen to self-absorbed chatter about the work Vanitas did.

After dinner, they went to a chocolate bar. Vanitas even agreed to share a fondue with him. Roxas left most of the fruit for Vanitas, while he mopped up the chocolate with the banana bread pieces.

“Thanks for splitting this with me. I know you probably hated doing all this stuff today,” Roxas acknowledged Vanitas’ sacrifice.

“You know it’s not my cup of tea, but – well, I could loosen up a little, I guess.”

That had been a sweet sentiment and they had gone home holding hands. But despite being asked to share a bed with Vanitas, Roxas opted for the sofa. After a nice evening out he needed some space, so he could stay strong.

* * *

 

The next morning Vanitas left a kiss on Roxas’ cheek before he left for work, and reassured Roxas that he would be back before six, whereupon they could do whatever Roxas wanted to do.

It made affection swell for his boyfriend. “Van. Can I use your laptop today? I want to let mom know that we’re coming over for the weekend.”

“Ah, sorry babe. I accidentally broke it the other day. But call her and let her know we’ll be coming – if you’re still really keen on going.”

“Yeah, I am. I’ll call her then.”

They said their goodbyes and Roxas was left with disgruntled thoughts as he sat with his cat on his lap.

Some time passed. Roxas had just finished eating eggs on toast when he dropped everything in the sink and gave a sharp scream from fright. A strange, loud, buzzing sound was emanating from somewhere behind Roxas. He looked around, like a wild animal caught in a trap, but then his eyes landed on the intercom system in the hallway and the blinking light caused Roxas to breathe out in relief.

He had never heard it go off, or ever used it. He walked over to the front door and warily picked up the receiver, “Hello?”

_“Roxas?”_

Roxas’ heart stopped. He forgot how to breathe.

_“Hello? Anyone there? Roxas?”_

The breath he had been holding was let out. “A-Axel?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The start of this chapter was awkward as heck to write... and then having to edit it and read it over and over and _over_ again was torture. I don't know why I do these things to myself.
> 
> I hope the end of this chapter offsets any misery that has been caused.
> 
> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Slacks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EidCx-idrw) by St. South  
> [Take it To The Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aprn7cwUgMo) by Odette


	12. Reforging a Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Axel is worried and has to use all his wits to try and find Roxas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say that, 'no, I'm not writing this based off any personal experience with domestic violence,' but thank you to those of you who _have_ expressed some concerned and condolences towards me. It is really very sweet of you to worry, but I am very fine :)
> 
> Explicit content below.

The line went dead, and Axel kicked the wall with his heel. “Fuck!” he yelled sharply and slumped against the building wall he had stopped next to when his phone had rung. Axel stared at his darkened phone screen trying to process what had just happened. Normally, he didn’t accept private numbers, but something had made him pick up, and then when he had heard Roxas’ voice, his mind had gone completely blank. A million things had run through his head and heart – outrage, adoration, panic. Axel had almost completely forgotten that he had given Roxas his number. He had almost forgotten about the rule he had explained to Roxas, but he was relieved that he had actually remembered, and just in the nick of time too. He had been able to come up with a plan to try and fish for an address but felt grave disappointment over it not having worked and now… now he would fret over what sort of trouble Roxas was in, because _the boyfriend_ had surely been _right there_ , and stopped Roxas from telling Axel where he lived.

A string of expletives ran through his head, some making their way onto his tongue. He hated feeling so powerless. He hated not being able to do anything to shut his worries down. He pushed off the wall and continued walking towards his bus stop, so he could get home… and stay up all night worrying. It wasn’t an appealing prospect. He pulled his phone back out and went through his contact list, seeing if there was anyone he could try and talk to.

Kairi was his first go-to.

A tired yawn sounded through the line when the ringing finally ceased. _“What is it?”_

“Kai-Kai! I need to talk to you.”

_“‘M tired. It’s sleep o’clock, Ax,”_ she whined, sounding far more sleepy than angry at this very moment.

“It’s about Roxas.”

She groaned loudly through the line.

“I think he’s in trouble and I don’t know what to do,” he pressed on 

_“What?”_ She sounded more alert now.

“I just got off the phone to him. He said some stuff about wanting me to come over but then hung up before he could give me his address.”

_“Oh shit. Did he… what did he sound like? Was he scared? Was he panicking?”_

“No. He… well, maybe he sounded a little upset, but he was mostly calm. He didn’t sound like he was in any immediate danger. But I’m so worried. I’m sure his boyfriend was there, listening in. And now he hung up and I can’t call him back ‘cause it was from a private number and I don’t know what to do. Should I go to the police? I don’t know Roxas’ boyfriend’s last name and when I looked for Roxas online I found nothing.” Axel pulled at his hair with frustration.

Kairi was quiet for a while.

Axel kept walking with purpose to his bus stop. “Kai, have you fallen asleep on me?”

_“No. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you can do. I guess you could try and go to the police and see if they might somehow be able to find him, but…”_

They both sighed. It was a futile activity.

“I should have made him tell me where he lives. I fuckin’ can’t believe it. That fucking worm!” Just thinking about _the boyfriend_ enraged Axel.

_“Well, since you say Roxas sounded all right, maybe he’ll be okay? There’s nothing you can do. You should just try and get some sleep.”_

“I can’t.”

_“I’m sorry,”_ she said quietly. _“You want me to come over? Keep you company?”_

“No. It’s all right. You get some sleep. I’ll… figure something out to keep me busy with.”

_“Okay. If you hear anything more let me know, okay?”_

“Yeah. Def. Night Kai. Sorry to wake you.”

_“It’s fine. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.”_

“It’s okay.”

_“Night.”_

He hung up and huffed with agitation. Axel needed to do something. He scrolled through his contacts again, eyes catching on a particular name. Yeah, that could work. Axel dialed the number.

The person on the other end of the phone picked up after a few rings. _“Evening. Finished work?”_

“Yeah. Can I come over?”

There was silence for a moment. “ _Okay, but I’ve got an early morning so don’t keep me up all night._ ”

Axel nodded. “Yeah, no problem. You dictate the tempo.”

“ _See you soon._ ”

“Yup.” Axel hung up and headed to a different bus stop.

Over the last month, Axel had slept around a lot and kept the phone numbers of certain guys he had a really good time with. He figured tonight called for some mindless sex to numb his anxious mind.

The place he was heading to was a ten-minute bus ride from work, towards the center of the city. It didn’t take too long, but it was long enough for Axel to stare at his call history and obsess over why having a private number was something that was allowed in today’s society. 

He got off the bus, walked a short while to a small apartment complex, and pushed the intercom system.

“‘Sup,” he declared and was buzzed straight up without a further word. A flight of stairs later and Axel was before the door he had been aiming for. He knocked on the door, which opened shortly after, and a friendly smile and nod of acknowledgment greeted Axel.

Axel brushed past the man, who was wearing a white singlet and flannel pajama bottoms. Axel made straight for the bedroom – with which he was very familiar; the first door on the left, once you got to the living room.

The man’s apartment had minimalistic furnishings. It’s like he didn’t even live in his own home. There were clean, white chairs and a lounge. Some blue cushions were thrown around, and there was a rug. It looked like a showroom, and Axel always joked about the giant painting of a sailing ship and why that was the only piece of art in the bedroom. And yet, despite the very generic sterility, the place still managed to feel comfortable and somewhat warm, if you spent enough time in there. Kind of like the guy himself. He was slow to warm up to you, but once he did it was a friend-for-life type of deal with him.

Not that Axel knew if they were friends or not. He suspected that they weren’t, and that was fine.

“I’m not keeping you up, am I?” Axel asked as he reached the bedroom.

“You are now, but I don’t mind,” Riku said, somewhere behind Axel.

“Okay, good.” He cast off his jacket and buried it underneath his shirt, jeans, and briefs, as he pulled those off, wanting to get straight down to business.

Riku’s hands slipped onto Axel’s hips from behind and traced the area where his hip flexors met his abdomen. Hair was pushed aside and Riku left kisses on the nape of Axel’s neck.

Axel breathed out, instantly relaxing into the touch and tilting his head to give Riku more access. This was definitely better than stressing all night.

“Are you going to need cuddles tonight?” Riku breathed against Axel’s skin, in between kisses.

Axel turned around, pulling the other man’s arms onto his shoulders, and looked down at him slightly. “If you don’t want me to stay you better not give me cuddles.”

Riku chuckled. “I’ll play it by ear.” His hand went into Axel’s hair, pulling him down slightly and then Riku ran his tongue along the outer shell of Axel’s ear and nibbled a little.

Axel’s spine shivered. Hands went to Riku’s chin, pulling him towards his lips for a slow-building kiss. Plump skin was explored. At first with lips, then tongue, then teeth.

Axel pushed down Riku’s flannel pants, feeling hips and smooth buttock. He gave a firm squeeze before abandoning his backside and making for the hem of Riku’s singlet. He pulled it up and over Riku’s head, revealing well-toned muscles underneath. He pushed the palms of his hands against pecs and massaged a little before he ran them up and down the peaks and valleys of Riku’s body. He loved feeling up that sexy body. With clothes, without clothes, it was all good.

Riku’s hands stroked Axel’s upper arms as Axel’s hands did their wandering. He pushed himself against Axel’s body once hands had enough of exploring and thumbs were left to circle around hip bones. Riku kissed and nipped at Axel’s clavicle and the two men slowly pushed and rubbed their growing erections against each other.

Kisses trailed all over each other’s cheeks, lips, necks, and shoulders. Axel could just focus on being in the moment with another warm body. Stress and worry left him as he paid attention to the pressure and excitement growing inside himself.

“Do you want to do anything specific?” Riku asked, beginning to knead Axel’s backside, and dipping low enough with fingers to tickle the back of Axel’s sac.

He shook his head. “No toys tonight. I just want your glorious cock in my butt.” He gave Riku’s erection a small tug and was met with a smile.

“All right. Make yourself comfortable whichever way you want me to take you.” Riku vaguely gestured to his king single bed and Axel went over, falling onto his back, limbs splayed out.

He stared at the white ceiling and lazily touched his penis, as to retain his arousal. It had been about forty minutes since Roxas had called. He wondered if the man was all right. He hoped he wasn’t in any danger and that the ridiculous pizza cover had worked, though he suspected that it more than likely hadn’t.

Stroking himself wasn’t working. “Riku, hurry up. I need your hot bod.”

Riku came over and dropped lubricant and two condoms on the bed. “Have you been drinking?”

“Huh? No.”

“Then why’re you having trouble keeping it up?” Riku descended on Axel, sitting on his thighs. He rubbed his hands up and down Axel’s body, sweeping past the base of his penis.

Axel sighed, with pleasure and upset, all at once. “Just one of those days.” He rolled his head to the side, looking away from the intense aqua stare.

“Okay, okay.” Riku scooched down a little, pulling one of Axel’s legs out from under him and pushed the long limb up in a resting position. Riku reached for the lubricant and condom, unwrapping it and slicking himself up. Axel watched Riku place and pinch the condom over his penis, and slowly roll the thin barrier down. The thought of being penetrated knotted his guts in excited anticipation.

Axel moved his leg to the side, giving Riku an open invitation whenever he was ready. And while he waited, he found the second condom packet and got on with the job of putting it on.

Riku watched Axel closely and licked his lips. He squeezed out some lubricant and spread it between his fingers. Cool to the touch, Axel flinched as Riku lightly circled fingers around his anus. Riku kept switching between firm pressure and light touches as he went around. Axel’s body tensed, relaxed, and tensed with each passing sweep. His heart was picking up the pace and his erection twitched.

He gasped silently when a finger finally pushed inside with tenderness. Riku’s name left his lips and then he sighed. He rocked his hips up and down with the motion of penetrating fingers, enjoying the way his muscles stretched. Axel felt a welcomed throb in his erection as he imagined the full feeling that would be his very soon.

Axel slid his hands up Riku’s thighs, towards the man’s groin, and rubbed his thumbs through tightly packed hairs towards Riku’s shaft. Lubricant dripped and slid down the wrapped penis, gathering in the wiry hair. Axel grasped the base of Riku's erection tightly, and pumped him several times, forcing murmurs out of the otherwise rather stoic man.

“Stop that,” Riku said quietly and then leaned down, trailing kisses up from Axel’s belly button to his neck. When he got there, Axel could feel Riku’s tip pushing against his sphincter.

Axel bucked his hips, but Riku pulled away, knowing Axel’s antics by now. Riku liked to just have his head sitting and pushing against Axel, without actually entering until he was ready. Depending how much of an asshole Riku felt like being on any given day, Axel sometimes had to beg for it. Axel hoped he wouldn’t be a massive ass tonight.

He waited, enjoying kisses falling on him. He squeezed one ass cheek with his hand and ran fingers through soft silver hair with the other. He loved nothing better than to stroke and pull when they both really got into the sex. But for now, he just twirled his finger around liquid mercury. Axel let his mind rest while his body enjoyed itself.

Riku tugged at him, erection, nipples, ears, hair. Axel rolled them both onto their sides, wrapping one leg around Riku’s waist, locking them together. Riku gave shallow hip thrusts to rub his penis along the underside of Axel’s sac and between his cheeks. Axel grabbed Riku’s hand and made him take ahold of his shaft. He kept his hand on Riku’s while Riku stroked him leisurely. They kissed lazily, smacking lips and rubbing tongues together with no hunger in their actions.

Eventually, Riku rolled them back so he was on top. Sloppy kisses traveled down Axel’s neck. Axel pulled at hair, forcing Riku’s kisses to come with more impact. Riku shoved his thighs up against the back of Axel’s legs and pushed into him at last.

Axel groaned with sheer desperate pleasure as he was filled up. His hand tightened around silver hair and he gripped on like it was a rope. Riku’s hands went to Axel’s hips, squeezing tightly and thrusting into him, whilst breathing sharply against Axel’s neck.

Axel raked his free hand up and down Riku’s back, digging a little harder every time Riku brushed his prostate. Momentum built. The tingling sensation in his backside increased and his erection pulsated. His erection enjoyed being sandwiched between their abdomens. Axel moaned loudly and with abandon until Riku shut him up with a long kiss and a deep delving tongue.

Riku’s thrusting changed. Instead of pulling out almost entirely he stayed inside Axel, only pulling out a little and picking up speed. Axel squirmed under Riku, losing his mind with the tension building in his body. Riku’s hand shifted from one hip to Axel’s erection, where he squeezed the base of his penis.

“You good to come?” Riku spoke into Axel’s neck.

Axel hummed and breathed out a, “Yeah.” He was so ready to be engulfed in nice feelings.

Riku kept up the glorious tempo and worked his hand over Axel’s erection with more purpose. Axel moaned long and low. He tugged at Riku’s hair and found a sharp pull against his own skull, which made him groan louder. He bucked into Riku’s hand. He was so close to exploding.

One more thrust from Riku, one more squeeze of that hand on his head, and Axel saw stars as his orgasm shuddered through his whole body and come pumped out of him. It felt so good in his backside, in his abdomen, in his shaft. Axel wished he could come forever.

Alas, he didn’t. His body relaxed, and he was a gooey puddle of bliss. Riku, having reached his climax as well, rolled off him at some point not too long after, and they both stared up at the ceiling, breathing heavily. Once strength returned to them, condoms were removed, and they flopped back down on the bed.

Axel tried to return his focus on the pleasant way his body parts had, and still were, pulsating. He tried to remain in that pleasant moment for as long as possible. And when that no longer served as an adequate distraction he waggled his fingers, brushing at Riku’s hand until Riku made to hold his own.

“Hmm?” Riku sounded like he was still on a high.

Axel tugged at the limp hand, and with a groaning sigh Riku rolled over, his free hand thumping against Axel’s chest. Riku nuzzled into the bow of Axel’s neck and left faint kisses, while he seemed to doze in nirvana.

Axel tried not to think about it, but he couldn’t keep his mind away from Roxas for too long. A month ago, he had decided to shut his heart off from the guy who refused to put – not Axel – but himself, first. Axel wanted Roxas to care enough about himself to not let shit like Vanitas happen to himself. And then, of course, Axel wanted to be a very close second in the caring-for department.

Over the last month, Axel had decided to get himself some action, to avoid feeling angry and upset every time he caught sight of a blond guy on the dance floor who was _a little_ _bit_ shorter than all the rest. So that had sort of paved the way for Axel to meet Riku – on a dating app – though neither of them had been after dates. Riku had been signed up by a friend as a joke and Axel had just been really horny after everything that had gone down with Roxas.

After the initial meeting, they had hooked up a minimum of once a week over the past month. The sex was always good, and the pleasant post-orgasm shiver that ran through him at that moment was testament to this fact. Axel liked taking whatever Riku gave. The fact that Riku _gave_ was amazing enough. Axel was so used to guys always wanting to have Axel doing them. It got a bit stale. So, sex with Riku was always special. It left him feeling completely mellowed out and happy. Sometimes too happy. Riku didn’t talk too much, which for some reason meant that Axel always ended up filling the space between them with words. And so, he had told Riku _a lot_ about what had been stressing him out – and of course, it was mostly to do with Roxas. Axel had a sneaking suspicion that tonight would go the same way.

“You going to stay the night?” Riku asked.

It was an appealing offer. Lying next to someone would make his thoughts a little more bearable. “Maybe,” he muttered. “Don’t be surprised if I’m not here when you wake up though.”

“If you do end up staying, don’t be surprised if _I’m_ not here by the time _you_ wake up. I’ve got an early start at the shop.”

“What’s happening there? Fire sale?” Axel chuckled, amusing himself with the idea of all the books burning down.

“Book signing.”

“Oh, anyone interesting?”

“You know Giants of Utopia?”

“No.”

“Then it’s no one you’d be interested in. If you’re still here, you can help yourself to what’s in the fridge. But don’t eat the chicken.”

“Is it poisoned?”

“I’m having friends over for dinner tomorrow, so it better not be.”

Axel shook with a little laughter. “Clearly we’re not friends since I didn’t get an invite.”

Riku hummed thoughtfully before saying, “Do you want to be?”

“What? Invited, or your friend?”

Riku leaned back a little to look at Axel directly. “Both.”

Axel squeezed Riku’s hand, which he was still holding. In that moment his heart yearned for Roxas. He wanted to hold his hand, on the roof, on the dance floor, while they walked around the city. He inhaled deeply. “Dinner might be nice.”

“Come over then. You’ve got the day off, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“We start at seven.”

Axel nodded, mind wandering to Roxas and what state he might be in by the next day.

“What’s on your mind?” Riku asked. “You seem off.”

Axel hummed. “I had a phone call before I called you. It was Roxas.”

“Oh. Was it nice to hear from him?”

Riku knew most of what there was to know about Roxas. Their attraction, Axel’s intense feelings, the controlling boyfriend. Axel had left out the abuse though. “It was. But at the same time… now I’m really worried about him. I think his boyfriend might actually hurt him,” Axel confided his worst fears.

Silver eyebrows raised. “Is there anything you can do about it?”

“No, which kills me. I don’t know where they live. I got nowhere to send the police to. I just… feel awful.” The warm afterglow of sex left him.

Riku squeezed Axel’s hand. “So you came here to forget.” There was no accusation in his voice. Only drowsy matter-of-factness.

“Yeah.”

“Not working, is it?”

“It was for a bit, but now….” He sighed.

Riku lifted himself a little, and pulled Axel against his chest, keeping him pinned there. “Just focus on my heartbeat and go to sleep,” he murmured against the top of Axel’s hair.

Axel ran his hand down Riku’s bare side and using his legs to kick the blanket into his hand’s reach, grabbed it and pulled it over the both of them.

* * *

 

When Axel awoke, it was still dark. Riku was half hanging off the bed, breathing steadily. Axel decided to leave, getting dressed quietly in the living room so as not to wake Riku. He checked his phone, just in case there were any more calls. He was happy to note that there were none. If he had missed any, he would have been upset with himself.

Axel wandered around the city, watching life breathe back into the place as dawn broke. He thought about what he could do to help Roxas. He wished he knew where he lived, but he didn’t have a clue where that might be. Hell, he didn’t even know how to begin to go about searching for the residence. Axel wished he had grilled Roxas hard about all his contact details. He should have demanded to know where they lived. He should have shaken Vanitas’ last name out of Roxas because a guy like Vanitas surely had some felonies against his name that the police would be able to find.

As his thoughts dwelled on Vanitas he took his eyes off the gray walkway and looked up at the city buildings around him. Something scratched at his brain regarding… Roxas… Vanitas. He stopped and tapped his head.

_Work_. Roxas had said something about Vanitas’ work a long time ago. Axel couldn’t quite remember so he walked around the places he had been with Roxas and his other friends. He finally came across the eye-sore that was the Colitan and Mursor building, which jogged his memory at last.

This was the only lead he had. He didn’t know which company the guy worked for, and there must be at least a hundred different businesses operating out of that place, so Axel didn’t have much of an option other than to sit somewhere inconspicuous and wait. Axel hoped Vanitas started his day early in the morning. He wanted to get a peek at the man, so he knew what to look for when he came back that afternoon – because he was going to stalk him back to his home, and then come back the following day to check up on Roxas.

He really hoped this would work.

To pass the time, Axel walked circles around the large concrete courtyard that led up to the building. He counted the water features, memorizing their patterns and scampered through them with impressive timing – after having gotten a wet ass twice already.

As the sun came up, coffee shops started to open, so Axel hid inside one of the ones offering a good view of the large courtyard. He found today’s newspaper and held it up before himself as a shield and disguise in case any prying eyes looked too closely. Axel cursed his good looks. He wasn’t the most inconspicuous fellow, after all. It certainly would thwart his chances of becoming a super spy. But he did the best he could and ordered a massive breakfast and coffee to devour while he waited.

It was around eight-thirty when someone who looked like Vanitas, but decidedly less goth and more pretentious, walked towards the shop Axel was hiding in. For a moment Axel panicked, thinking he was busted. He buried his head behind the newspaper, suddenly becoming very interested in the real estate market while watching Vanitas out of his periphery.

Axel was almost 100% sure it was Vanitas. He watched him purchase a large coffee and glazed donut and with that, he walked back out, whilst chowing down on his purchases.

Pale gray suit with white business shirt and mustard yellow tie. Axel should be able to remember that. He got up and purchased one of the same donuts that Vanitas had bought because it looked delicious and he had finished his breakfast half an hour ago. After the purchase he went home to sleep, but not without first setting five alarms. Axel needed to be here before five-thirty.

* * *

 

Axel managed to get himself up by the time the fourth alarm went off. He had managed to get some sleep, all thanks to feeling better because he had a plan on how to get to Roxas now.

He got dressed up in his disguise, like a true spy. Having to attend weddings had been a blessing in disguise as his muted red and dark turquoise pinstripe-print double-breasted suit came in handy for this occasion. Axel was glad he hadn’t thrown it out. He was also stoked that it still fit, maybe even better than before since he had gotten slightly fatter. He poked at where the suit sat snug against his waist, cinching him in nicely. Maybe he’d get a hold of Riku’s workout routine one day.

To finish off his disguise, and ensure he’d blend into the office crowd, Axel mainly had to hide his hair from the world. An unimaginable shame. He gathered up as much as he could into a bun and looked to see what sort of hats he had available to cover himself up with. Top hat, snapback, or fedora where the only real choices available to him. It would have to be the dark gray fedora. He tucked any random strands of hair up into the hat, slid on some sunglasses, and headed out in shiny black dress shoes, that didn’t see the light of day more than once a year at best.

Axel felt like he looked pretty damn good for someone pretending to have a dull office job. He hastily made his way onto a bus and towards the city center, hoping he wouldn’t sweat through his disguise since the summer heat was rather stifling.

Once he arrived at his destination he got himself another coffee, because that’s what one did at a stake-out. He found himself a nice wall to lean against, looking towards the entrance to the C and M and once again waited.

A bit before five-thirty Axel spotted Vanitas. He was walking with a silver-haired guy for a while. They chatted, laughed, and then waved at each other and headed in opposite directions. Axel glared at Vanitas through his sunglasses. How dare he seem so jovial. How dare he wear that eye-sore of a tie. He wondered how Roxas let him walk out dressed like that. Terrible thought of Roxas being incapacitated – which led to the poor choice of clothing – accosted his mind. He pushed off the wall, picked up a paper to hide behind if he needed it, and tossed the now-empty cup into the trash.

Axel followed as discreetly as he could. He had to close the distance between them when Vanitas got onto a bus. He nervously pushed sunglasses up the bridge of his nose as he passed the other man, to sit somewhere behind him.

Vanitas didn’t look up from his phone.

The bus went in the opposite direction of where Axel lived, towards the upper west side of the city. He felt relieved over that. The idea that they could possibly be living a block over from each other would truly have upset him.

Axel got off when Vanitas did and kept his distance as much as possible. He followed the man down the main road and slowed down to get even more distance between them as Vanitas turned down a far quieter side-street.

The street was lined with modern-looking apartment blocks made of white-painted concrete, with sandstone ornate features. It looked nice. Better than the old and cheaper part of the city Axel lived in.

Vanitas finally turned into one of the moderately-sized apartment buildings and vanished.

Axel swung around the corner of another street, hanging out there for a while. He needed to get closer to inspect the number of the building and to see what challenge he’d face trying to get in. But he didn’t want to risk running into Vanitas if he came out again.

He waited for a while and deemed it long enough, so he hauled his ass back out and across the street towards the doors that Vanitas had vanished through.

He was almost halfway there when he could have dropped dead from panic. Goth Vanitas and… sexy, radiant Roxas just came out, looking as different from each other as night and day. They were heading straight for him. His mind went through a million things at once, which caused him to stop moving.

For one, he felt immense relief over seeing Roxas. He looked okay. He was going out in public. It must mean that things were all right. Another thing his mind did was race and search for what to do. Run for it. Grab Roxas and run for it. Knock Vanitas out, grab Roxas, and run for it.

Axel sucked at running most days.

He forced his body back into gear. He had only dawdled for a few seconds and hoped it hadn’t been noticeable. Moving quelled the panic but didn’t stop it completely from rising as both men were getting closer and closer to Axel. He kept walking towards them, heart smashing against his chest. He had to believe he was as unrecognizable as possible.

With his mirrored sunglasses on he could look Roxas over as he passed without drawing attention to himself. So, he inspected the man as closely as he could. His heart yearned for Roxas to recognize him. His body ached to touch him. Axel kept it together as he passed them by. His eyes remained on Roxas though, forcing his head to turn and crane. He had been so close. He could have brushed against his fingertips.

Axel bit his lip and turned back to watch where he was going. His pace slowed though. He couldn’t help himself, he looked back again, catching what looked like Roxas turning his head back from… having looked at him? Axel stopped in his tracks. He wanted to call out to Roxas but instead watched the two men disappear around the corner to the main street.

Should he give up? Roxas was okay. He was alive. He was going out with Vanitas. Should Axel leave him be? He shook his head. No. He needed to speak with Roxas, get his side of what had happened, and then make a decision. So he went to the apartment block they had come out of and took a look.

There seemed to be twenty-one apartments in this complex and no names attached to any of the numbers on the intercom. Axel looked down the street again, feeling paranoid and exposed.

He turned back to the intercom and started pushing each button, waiting for a response. When he got one he asked if they knew Roxas. No one did, and some buzzed him in without ever saying a word. Axel spent about ten minutes there, trying to eliminate his choices so that when he came back in the morning, he could hopefully get to Roxas faster.

By the time he reached apartment twenty-one, he had eliminated a dozen apartments. The others he had gotten no response from, so Roxas had to be in one of those since he was currently out.

Stepping away from the set-in doorway, he made an extra careful note of the apartment complex number, and then when he was back on the main road, made a careful note of the street name as well.

He felt immense relief over having seen Roxas today. It had made all his darkest terrors disappear. Now he was just left with deep fears. So he went to Riku’s dinner, since he was dressed up and everything already anyway. It served as a nice distraction, and surely Riku would forgive him for being a tiny bit late.

* * *

 

The next morning and only two alarms in, Axel rose. He needed to get to 97 Ocara Avenue before Vanitas left for work because he had to make sure Vanitas _did_ leave for work.

He dressed casually, jeans and a gray t-shirt, foregoing the ridiculous disguise for comfort. He figured he’d hide down that other street in one of the other set-in doorways when Vanitas passed by. Feeling thrilled and anxious, Axel hopped on a bus and tapped his foot for the full thirty minutes it took to get to the area he had disembarked at yesterday. Then it was another five-minute walk to the street.

It was only seven-thirty when he arrived at his destination. A lot of people were already streaming out of the surrounding buildings, leaving for work. Axel figured Vanitas would be one of these, within the next half-hour, judging by what time he had arrived at the café the morning before.

Axel found himself a bit of wall to lean against and ignored any looks he got. He just focused on his target’s apartment door whilst he munched on a dry-as-dust granola bar. He had found it in a box at the back of his pantry and had no recollection of ever buying it. He figured that the ‘best before’ date on it was a misguided guesstimate. Axel was certain this granola bar had never been good in its entire existence. He tossed it to the side as soon as he saw Vanitas leave the apartment, and flung himself into a doorway, making sure not to bowl anyone over, and peeked around the edge waiting for Vanitas to pass.

Once that happened, Axel waited another agonizing ten minutes, just to make sure Vanitas didn’t forget something, like his pitchforks, or vials containing goat’s blood, before he ducked out of his hole and headed to the building.

Axel started his search for Roxas all over again, whilst keeping a nervous glance down the road. He was pretty confident that number nine would buzz him in again without a word if he needed quick entry and escape.

He pushed a button— “Hi, is that Roxas?”  
**… … …**  
Another button— “Is Roxas there?”  
**… … …**  
Another— “ _Hello?_ ” came the answer.

The quality was terrible but… Axel’s breath hitched, and relief was about to spill over and through his entire being. “Roxas?”

There was no answer, only static. Had he imagined it? “Hello? Anyone there? Roxas?”

“ _A-Axel?”_ Came the crackling response.

Axel inhaled sharply, the dam broke and tears of relief gathered and trickled while his knees buckled for a moment. “Yeah, Rox, it’s me. Can you let me in?” He sniffled and wiped at his face.

“ _Uh, yeah. Hang on. —I’m on floor four.”_ The door buzzed and Axel pushed one of the double doors open, entering the charming foyer. It was bright, mirrored, and the plants were real and not half-dead like the one sad pot plant at Axel’s main lobby. Walking in, he noticed the plush carpet and clean smell. ‘ _Damn the other side lives nicely,’_ he thought. He spotted an elevator and a trembling hand pushed the button to call it down. He waited for a bit, flexing fingers. Why was he so nervous? Was it excitement? He leapt at the door when it opened but stepped aside to let people off.

Once inside, he hit the big button for the fourth floor and bounced on the balls of his feet. He wondered what he should say. He wondered what Roxas would say. Axel dug his hands deep into jacket pockets. He regretted ever having gotten mad at Roxas. He regretted giving the penguins back. He was so fucking over the moon to be seeing Roxas again!

Elevator chimed, anticipation swelled. Doors slid open, but Axel was frozen in place. Roxas, wide-eyed, and mouth agape, was revealed standing on the other side. Instant smile attacked Axel’s face and he moved, wanting to embrace Roxas that very second. He somehow managed to trip over his own feet but he didn’t fall; instead, he bumped into Roxas who had stepped into the elevator, throwing his arms around Axel and pressing his face against his chest.

Axel embraced him right back and buried his nose in storm-blown hair. The other man’s scent energized him – fresh and crisp like an ocean breeze. All their times together, like this, flashed before his minds-eye and filled his chest with overwhelming bliss. He squeezed tighter. Roxas reciprocated.

They held each other until the elevator chimed and people got on. Roxas stirred, but Axel didn’t let him pull away. He shuffled backward, taking Roxas with him. They continued holding each other while the doors closed, and the elevator atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The muzak playing did not change this one bit.

The two men breathed gently against each other. Axel didn’t think he’d mind if they got stuck in the elevator for a few hours together. Though if that happened, he hoped they would be stuck inside alone. The elevator went back down to the foyer, people got out, and the doors shut again. Roxas pushed and snuggled into Axel. It was an amazing feeling.

“Should we get out of the elevator?” Axel said and felt Roxas shudder against him.

“I guess.” Roxas shuffled them over to the elevator panel and pushed the button for his floor. Roxas then pushed his head against Axel’s chest once more and they traveled up in silence.

It was heaven to Axel. Having Roxas in his arms again was perfection. Having all the uncertainty and worry wash away was a tremendous relief.

The doors opened, Roxas sought out Axel’s hand and led him to apartment thirteen. The door was open. Axel smiled, thinking of Roxas being so excited to have rushed out to greet him. His heart ached with the cuteness of it all.

The door shut once Axel was pulled inside. It felt strange to be in the place where Roxas and Vanitas… he shook his head.

“What’re you doing here?” Roxas started, stepping up to Axel and brushing fingers against hands.

Axel took up both of Roxas’ hands, holding gently and rubbing his thumbs against his skin. “I was worried about you.”

“You were?” Large, blue, disbelieving eyes looked up.

Axel hummed and nodded, giving a small smile.

“I thought… I thought you didn’t care anymore,” Roxas said, looking down at where Axel was holding his hands.

“Why wou—”

“Vanitas gave me the penguins,” came the dejected mutter.

Axel bit his lip and squeezed Roxas’ hands. At that moment he had almost forgotten. “I’m sorry. You want me to explain?”

Roxas nodded, still looking down.

Axel cast his mind back to that day. Vanitas, appearing livid, had waltzed into the bar one late afternoon a few days after Axel had received the jacket. They had yelled at each other and caused a scene. Axel’s threats of calling security had seen them taking it outside of the establishment. He had been angry and sick of having to deal with Roxas’ shit, which included _the boyfriend_. He had given the penguins to Vanitas – having moved his half out of his apartment and into his locker so he’d never have to look at it again – and told Vanitas to return them to Roxas, because he no longer wanted anything to do with the man, and also had wanted to wound Vanitas with the knowledge that they had, in fact, had _something_ going on. He wasn’t proud of it and in the light of the next day had regretted it and some of the anger towards Roxas had subsequently diminished.

Axel sighed and looked at their hands. “I was really upset with you. The penguins were supposed to be our promise to each other. No matter what, we always had our promise. And even if the promise wasn’t real, I wanted it to be. I wanted to keep holding on to hope, y’know? But… you giving your half of the promise back to me… it hurt. It made me angry.”

“I gave it back because I wanted you – and me… to move on. I shouldn’t have ever made that promise to you. I’m hopeless and don’t – I don’t deserve you in my life. I wanted to let you go so you could be happy. I had to try. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I made you angry. Everything I’ve been doing with you has been so unfair on you, and me, and Vanitas,” Roxas explained quietly, all the while his grip on Axel’s hands increased.

“The stuff that’s happened… it hasn’t been great… but I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to be with you. Yeah, I got angry but… well, only because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Not after you gave me the jacket.” Axel kept rubbing Roxas’ hands with his own. The other man looked so downtrodden. “That jacket…y’know, I thought it meant—” A lump formed every time Axel thought about how much it had meant to him to receive it. “I thought it meant that we were getting closer. It made me so happy. It was the happiest I’ve ever felt. But then when I found the penguin inside it just – I didn’t appreciate you making that choice for me without warning me. It was a huge shock, and – well, that’s why I got really pissed off with you. But it’s not like I’m still mad at you now.”

Roxas looked Axel over for a while, eyes trailing over his whole being. The smile on Roxas’ face waxed and waned, growing sadder by the second until lips were drawn together tight and eyes shimmered. “If the jacket meant so much why did you—” his voice squeaked with the suppression of his tears.

“Why did I what?”

“Throw it out.” Roxas’ face scrunched up and he sobbed.

“Throw it…” Axel was shocked by that assertion and at Roxas’ pained reaction. “I didn’t. What makes you think that?”

Leaking eyes raised. Confusion sat on Roxas’ face. “You… didn’t?”

“No.” He shook his head. “It’s at home. I needed to be a bit inconspicuous today, so I didn’t wear it.”

“Really?”

Axel laughed a little with how strong Roxas’ disbelief was. “Yeah, really. I love that thing, Roxas. It’s the best present in the entire galaxy.”

Roxas stared at Axel, mouth just hanging open, but then closed as another sob shook through him. “Really?” he asked again.

Axel huffed with soft laughter. “Yeah. Look… to be honest, I did think about it. I was that mad. But – well, I couldn’t do it. It’s too awesome, and I knew I’d eventually stop being pissed at you and then I’d hate myself for having tossed such an awesome gift. And… you know,” he shrugged. “You gave me back the penguin, but the jacket means more… doesn’t it?” he asked, hopeful to have his hunch confirmed.

Lips tucked in, cheeks reddened slightly, and Roxas gave him many small nods.

It sent a tingle down Axel’s spine and his chest swelled with ardor. He felt vindicated. “Yeah, see, I thought so. And that… that’s just too precious, Roxas. _You’re_ too precious.” Axel held on to Roxas with one hand while his other went up to rub at Roxas’ cheek. Blond head tilted into the touch. Axel wanted to scoop him up and cuddle all the sadness out of him. “You _really_ thought I’d thrown it out?” He just couldn’t believe that Roxas would have such an impression of him.

An almost soundless, “Yeah,” was given.

It just about choked Axel. “Why would you think that?” he asked gently, squeezing Roxas’ hands with fondness and loving how soft his cheek felt.

Roxas gave a dejected laugh and suddenly said, “Vanitas said you did.”

“And you believed him?” Axel’s words made Roxas wince a little. Axel tacked on a much softer, “Sorry.”

“He showed me the penguins and said you did so I thought…” he shrugged. “I didn’t want to believe him. A part of me didn’t, but – I’m just dumb, I guess.”

But a part of Roxas also _had_ believed Vanitas’ lie. It caused Axel pain to think he had ever done anything to sow doubt in Roxas’ mind about his love for the man before him. And to think that Roxas had believed that for probably the entire month now – Axel felt uncomfortable and angry at himself. “No, you’re not. I… I shouldn’t ever have given Vanitas the penguins. If I hadn’t you wouldn’t have—I’m sorry that I put you through that. If I had known I would have tried to make it better somehow. I would have tried to find you sooner.”

They looked at each other, each with worry and fondness etched onto their brows. A soft smile was shared after a moment longer.

“How _did_ you find me?” Roxas looked relieved.

“Oh, ah. You’ll be super impressed. I remembered you saying where Vanitas worked so I did a total stake-out at the place and waited to catch sight of him. I was in a café, hiding behind a newspaper when he came in to get a coffee and a donut—”

“He got a donut?” Roxas’ brow wrinkled with disbelief.

“Yeah. Was a really delicious one too. Chocolate fudge on the inside and chocolate glazing on the outside. I got one on the way out.” The delicious memory of it made Axel smile.

“And he _ate_ it?” Roxas cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Why’s that important?”

“It’s… not. Get on with your story.” Roxas got one of his hands out of Axel’s grip and led them both deeper into the apartment.

Axel cast his eyes around the place. It was fresh and modern looking. Everything was very tidy, bar for the sofa, which was where Roxas was leading them to. Pillow and blankets were dumped on it. Roxas flung the blanket back and sat down, pulling Axel down along with him.

Was Roxas sleeping here? By choice? “I came back – oh, hi, Cheshire.” The cat he had seen many photos of had come out of seemingly nowhere and was suddenly rubbing her head against Axel’s leg. He leaned down and scratched between her shoulder blades. When she seemed to enjoy that, Axel went to pick her up. He deposited her in his lap and stroked silky fur. Cheshire purred loudly and snuggled down into Axel’s lap, closing her eyes in contentment.

“Didn’t you say she doesn’t like strangers or something?” He felt proud of himself for remembering a fact like that.

Roxas’ face was full of amazed joy as he looked at both of them. He gently rubbed the cat’s head and between her ears. “Yeah. But you’re not really a stranger to her, I guess. I’ve told her lots about you, and—” Roxas glanced up at Axel before returning his eyes onto Cheshire. “I’m pretty sure she knows your smell by now.” A smile tugged at Roxas’ lips and his cheeks were turning rosy.

It gave Axel all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings.

“Plus, I showed her that photo of us – the one you gave me.” A shy smile was given and Roxas stopped petting his cat to take ahold of Axel’s hand.

Axel squeezed gently and twisted his wrist so their fingers linked together. He smiled back at Roxas, feeling the deep swell of love he had been keeping down for the last few weeks, rising up again, unencumbered.

In the tiniest voice possible, Roxas asked, “Why did you write that stuff on the back?”

The heat of embarrassment hit Axel. “I, ah – You’re not upset about that, are you? I… it was a quote I found somewhere, and I thought it was really good – for myself, you know. To try and keep me from falling for you, but it kind of had the opposite effect. And then when I gave it to you, well, it wasn’t the writing part I wanted for you. I hope you didn’t take it like me lecturing you or something.”

Roxas shook his head. “It was really nice.” Clasped hands were looked at again. “It made me think about a bunch of stuff. I—” His lips tucked in and his face scrunched up. Roxas sobbed.

Axel’s heart was stabbed. He quickly, but as gently as possible, put Cheshire down onto the ground and scooched closer to Roxas, folding arms around him. Roxas pressed his face against Axel’s shoulder and balled his hands up, gripping onto the back of Axel’s shirt.

“I’ve had such a bad month. I’ve missed you more than I ever imagined I could,” he squeaked out through tears.

Axel held on firmly, pressing kisses into blond hair and onto Roxas’ forehead. “I’m here now. Whatever you need to make it better, you can count on me to give it to you.”

Roxas pulled away from Axel to look at him. “What I need… I need – I love you,” he sniffled. “I need you to hear that from me – in person. I love you so, _so_ much, and I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve put you through,” he said, sounding pained.

“I love you too,” Axel said back, voice catching on overwhelming emotion. He had wanted Roxas to tell him that for so long now. It meant the world to him. Axel brushed at tear-streaked cheeks. “You’ve been okay, right? After the phone call – Vanitas didn’t – he didn’t do anything to you, right?”

Roxas’ eyes fell. He spoke in monotone, “He was so mad. He broke my – the things he had bought me. He found that photo of us – read the message—”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry!” Axel said with shock, and a sick feeling washed through him.

“It’s not your fault. I was dumb. I should have kept those things in a safer place. I should have memorized your number like you asked me to. But I was so sure that nothing would ever happen – that I’d never need it. I didn’t memorize it or throw it out. He found it. It tipped him over the edge and he went crazy.”

Axel’s heart beat wildly. “Crazy? You’re okay, aren’t you?” Axel ran hands over Roxas and stared intently at him trying to examine him, with his latent x-ray vision powers.

Roxas nodded, smiling a little. Axel pulled the other man against himself once more. He breathed in his scent and swallowed down the thick lump of hurt in the back of his throat. He felt terrible for having left Roxas to deal with a guy like Vanitas all on his own. “Let’s go. Pack your things and let’s go,” he prompted. No way was he leaving Roxas with Vanitas again.

“Go where?” Roxas pushed back from Axel’s embrace.

“My place. You can stay there. I don’t have much space, but I’ll make it work for us. You don’t have to stay here.”

Uncertainty and confusion painted Roxas’ face. “No. I… I can’t leave. Vanitas… he’s my boyfriend. I—” Roxas frowned.

Axel stared for a stunned moment. “You love him—” Axel questioned with disbelief “—after all that’s happened… you’re still holding on to him?” He could feel it; the anger.

“I – we have history,” Roxas mumbled.

“Maybe that’s best left in the past then,” Axel said flatly.

Roxas raised his hands to his head, cradling himself. “Yeah, of course. I’m so dumb. Of course, I’m gonna leave Van. It’s just – when you say it… I feel bad. But I was going to leave him. I was – _am –_ going to get him to take me to my mom’s this weekend, and I was going to stay there.”

“Oh.” That left a pang in Axel’s chest and he felt unbelievably grateful that he had caught Roxas in time. But the way he had said all of that… well, it begged the question, “Was, or _are_?”

Roxas looked up, but eyes fell away to where Cheshire was headbutting his leg. He reached down and rubbed at her. “I don’t think he’s going to take me. I’m pretty sure he’ll find an excuse why we can’t fly out on Friday. I want to give him a chance though, you know – to prove me wrong. I think he deserves that.”

“Does he really?” Axel had a lot of distaste for the man.

Roxas frowned, but the very quiet and shaky response didn’t come as quickly as it might have not so long ago, “...Yeah…”

Axel sighed. “So, you’re going to wait for the weekend?”

Roxas nodded.

“If he takes you, will that change how you feel about him?” Axel wanted to know if it would mean Roxas would stay with the jerk.

Roxas shook his head. “I don’t want to be with him anymore. But I want to believe that he can keep the promise he made to me about taking me. I need to hold on to his redeeming qualities… just a little.”

That quelled Axel’s fears somewhat. “What happens if he doesn’t take you? What’re you going to do?”

“I—” Roxas swallowed and his eyes searched around his immediate vicinity before they rested on Axel. Lips rubbed together, “don’t really know.”

Roxas had something in mind, Axel could sense it. But he seemed very skittish and nervous about it. “You can say it,” he urged. He wanted to hear Roxas say it.

An uncertain hum came out of Roxas. “Maybe…” a deep breath followed, “if he doesn’t take me… maybe then I _could_ stay with you? Just for a little bit? Just until I get back on my feet? If that’s okay with you?”

The corners of Axel’s mouth lifted into a smile. He nodded. “See, was that so hard to say? I did demand you come live with me only a moment ago, so you don’t have to sound so worried,” he laughed gently.

Roxas laughed as well, but it was thin and quiet.

Axel turned serious. He tenderly put a hand on Roxas’ knee and squeezed. “I want you to be with me, Rox. I want us to live together. I’ll be here on Monday to come and collect you if that’s okay with you.” There was no shadow of a doubt in Axel’s mind that Vanitas would be a douchebag and disregard Roxas’ wishes of taking him to see his mom.

Roxas smiled, shoulders slumping a little as he seemed to relax. “Yeah, that would be nice.” He put his hand on Axel’s, which was still on his knee.

Axel felt disappointed. He wanted to take Roxas with him this very minute, but at least they had an agreement. And Axel knew where Roxas lived so he could call the police if he suspected anything. But a niggling thought crept in. “Hey, Rox?”

“Hmm?”

“What happens if Vanitas _does_ take you? Will I see you again?”

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be in touch. I’ll find you online, Axel Rutherford,” he smiled.

That made Axel feel better. “Cool. If I don’t see you on Monday and I don’t hear anything from you by next week, I’ll try looking for you too, Roxas Shaw. And you better make it super easy for me to find you because if I don’t—” Axel swallowed down the discomfort of where his mind was going. He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I’ll be in touch,” Roxas said softly and cupped Axel’s cheek.

Axel pushed into the touch and held Roxas’ hand there with his own. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Roxas rubbed his thumb against Axel’s cheek.

“I want to kiss you.” Axel leaned in, but Roxas pulled back, maintaining their already established distance.

“I can’t, Axel,” he breathed out, sounding pained.

“Why not? You make it sound like your relationship’s as good as over already anyway. One little kiss won’t hurt. He won’t know about it.”

Roxas’ brow creased. He looked troubled and his lowered eyes darted around a little.

“What is it?” Axel extended an arm to stroke Roxas’ brow and sweep bangs aside.

The touch drew Roxas’ eyes back up. “I can’t. I’m still with him.”

“But—”

“Despite everything I’m still _with_ him. I’ve tried to make it work with him, despite him sleeping around—”

“He did _what_?”

“Yeah, he’s been seeing other people – or maybe just one person. I don’t know.”

“Fucking hypocrite,” Axel practically seethed.

“And that’s why I can’t do anything with you right now. I can’t and don’t want to be like him. I want to be better, I _need_ to be better.”

“Yeah, no, I get that,” Axel muttered. “But I also really wanna kiss you.”

Roxas huffed with laughter and scooched closer, laying his head on Axel’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Axel slung his arm around Roxas’ back and hugged him to himself. All the past hurt and irritation melted away. “Will you really be okay? Have you been okay? I’ve been worried sick about Vanitas hurting you since Monday. And – well, to be honest, I kind of panicked after I gave him the penguins as well.”

Roxas took a few deeper breaths before he said, “I’ve been okay. Vanitas did get really upset on Monday but it’s good, it’s made me decide that I’ve really had enough.”

“Oh.” Axel didn’t have much else to say to that. He was happy to hear it but wondered how bad things must have gotten for Roxas to actually have made the difficult decision to leave.

They sat together for some time in the quiet apartment watching Cheshire wandering about the place and stopping by multiple times to sniff at Axel. Roxas eventually shook with some laughter when she started nibbling on Axel’s shoes.

“Don’t do that, baby.” Roxas moved off Axel and picked up his cat, standing up with her. “Thanks for coming,” he said, directed at Axel.

Axel got up as well. “Aww, you kicking me out already?”

“Not kicking. Politely asking.” Roxas smiled up at him with a tinge of sadness.

“How come?”

Roxas’ face scrunched up a little with discomfort. “I don’t want Van to find out about this. He’s been kind of unpredictable lately and—”

“Oh, yeah, sure. I get it. Can I maybe just get a little kiss before I go though?”

Roxas laughed a little. “Persistent, huh.”

“Can’t hurt to ask. Just a peck on the cheek.” Axel pointed at his face. “Or, you know, a bit of a fondle.”

Roxas huffed with more enthusiastic laughter. “Okay, you really need to go now. You’re, like, escalating this.”

“I don’t want to leave without something.”

“I already gave you a hug. _And_ I felt you feeling me up a bit.” Roxas gave a playful glare.

Axel looked up at the ceiling with an innocent smile and shrugged his shoulders. “What can I say. I’ve missed you.”

Roxas stepped closer to Axel. “Same.”

Axel closed the distance between them and gave Roxas a careful hug, as he was still holding his cat. Roxas pressed himself against Axel, making him smile and wish that he could just stay with Roxas for a lot longer. Axel pressed a kiss to the top of Roxas’ head and gave that cute backside a tiny squeeze.

Roxas yelped and pulled away, giving Axel a very weak glower, which seemed an attempt to hide the smile. “I’m going to kick you out now.”

“No, c’mon, don’t do that.”

“It’s happening. I’ve loved seeing you again. I’ll see you again very soon, or we’ll be in touch. But I need you to leave now.”

Axel shook his head. “No way. I’m camping out until we at least fondle each other senseless.” He crossed his arms and gave a snooty pout.

Roxas laughed a little. “Hang on.” He dropped his cat gently and walked away through a door close to the kitchen.

“Oh?” Was Axel in luck? Was that all it had taken? Excellent. He watched and waited for Roxas’ return.

Roxas didn’t take long. He came back into the living room space to stand before Axel, with his arm outstretched, and hand clenched into a fist.

Axel put his hand out underneath Roxas’ and watched as it lowered and released a set of tiny objects into his palm. Roxas then picked up one of the familiar pewter items.

“The promise is reinstated. We will see each other again. We will be together again. But right now, I need you to leave.”

The gesture felt right to Axel. It was nice to have the deceptively heavy object back in his hand and the promise between them restored. He threw his arms around Roxas’ shoulders and kissed his temple, while the penguin pressed into Axel’s closed palm. “It’s a promise,” he muttered against Roxas’ ear.

Roxas reciprocated the hug and then led Axel out by the hand to the elevator. They stood there, side-by-side, hand-in-hand, waiting for the hunk of metal to arrive.

“You’ll be okay?” Axel asked, not being able to alleviate the lingering worry.

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. Things are all right and will only get better. Thank you for being here, Axel.”

“Glad to be of service.”

They smiled at each other. Sadness still lingered on Roxas’ face and Axel could totally relate. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of leaving Roxas and hated it when the door chimed, announcing the arrival of the elevator. Axel moved forward and stepped over the threshold.

Roxas looked at the elevator door and Axel inside of it. “You never finished telling me how you found me.”

“If you want to hear that then you know what you have to do. Just invite me back inside and I’ll tell you my amazing tale. There was a disguise and everything,” Axel grinned, still feeling proud of himself for his genius.

“A disguise?”

“Yeah. I’ll show you one day.” Axel pushed the button for the ground floor.

“Like a dark suit and fedora and sunglasses?” came Roxas’ frantic words.

Axel winked, and the doors began sliding shut.

Roxas’ eyes widened, filled with tears, and he launched himself through the closing gap and at Axel, who caught him in his arms. The force of the launch caused Axel to stumble backward and made him smack into the back of the elevator. Arms wound around each other, with one of Roxas’ hands winding into Axel’s hair. Roxas pushed the back of Axel’s head down, forcing Axel to lean in as Roxas reached up and pressed his lips to Axel’s. 

Axel lifted Roxas slightly off the floor and pushed his tongue into him. Roxas clung on and sucked hard, making Axel moan in the back of his throat. He stooped down a little further, worked his arms under Roxas’ thighs, and giving the other man a better perch. Roxas’ arms tightened around Axel’s neck and he pushed fiercely against him. They continued to kiss fiercely with need and greed.

The only thing that made Roxas back off was the chime of the elevator doors as they reached the ground level. Roxas tried to pull away but Axel chased after him with his mouth, and they started kissing again.

“We’ve got to stop,” Roxas muffled against Axel’s mouth.

Axel tried to keep kissing as he walked out of the elevator, still carrying Roxas. “I’m taking you with me,” he mumbled against Roxas and pressed soft kisses to cheeks, chin, and parted lips, and then they started their deep kissing again, there in the foyer.

Roxas giggled after a moment, and as they just about reached the doors leading out, pushed himself away and slid down and out of Axel’s hold.

“Aww,” Axel whined.

“I’ll see you so soon. You won’t even have a chance to miss me.”

“I’ve been missing you ever since our first dance.”

Roxas tensed up. He rubbed at his face and then got up on tiptoes, holding Axel’s face between his hands and gave him a chaste kiss. As he dropped back down Axel chased after, getting in one more kiss and nip at lips.

“You’re so sexy, Rox. I love you.”

“I love you too. We’ll see each other soon.” With that Roxas turned and headed for the door but stopped as he pushed it open. “Hang on – I live here. You get out,” he pointed at Axel and grinned.

Axel laughed. “We’re both so used to you leaving.”

Both men chuckled. Axel made for the door but stood still when he reached Roxas. He let a heavy sigh seep out of his chest and moistened his lips. “Thanks for the kisses. I know you didn’t want to.”

Roxas’ face tightened a little with discomfort. “It’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s not that I don’t want to take it further with you. I – just didn’t want to hurt Vanitas any more than I already had. But I can’t even do that right.”

“I’m sorry.” Axel knew he hadn’t started it, but he felt responsible nonetheless.

“I’m not.” A pained smile sat on Roxas’ face.

Axel brushed his fingertips against Roxas’ cheek. He stooped down a little and they shared one more kiss before Axel left, and he mouthed, ‘I love you,’ through the glass of the doors and saw Roxas return it.

* * *

 

Roxas stood in the lobby, dazed and high on endorphins. The grin on his face was stretched broadly. This was what happiness felt like. This was what it felt like to see one’s freedom. It was light, airy, but powerful. Roxas took the stairs up, being in no hurry to return to his apartment. He thought of how amazing it was to have Axel find him. It had been Axel he had walked past. Axel cared enough to make such an effort for him. Axel was going to come and find him on Monday when the weekend plan fell through.

Thoughts of Vanitas returned like a harsh arctic breeze. He had tried to be loyal to Vanitas but failed. He was no better than Vanitas. That thought irked him, but it didn’t erase the joy that Axel had brought to him. Roxas would see Axel very soon. It was another thing to smile about because Vanitas surely wouldn’t take Roxas to see his family. Surely the weekend would be filled with awkward silences and pretending to be happy together. Roxas had been pretending for so long now that he was sure he could pretend for a few more days. But it would be hard because this was it… Roxas would finally leave Vanitas. For good.

His footfalls slowed, and each step felt heavier than the last. Roxas was going to _leave_ Vanitas. Actually, truly, _leave_ Vanitas. He stopped mid-stride, like an invisible chain on his leg had finally been pulled taut. A feeling of sick overwhelmed him, and he lowered himself, kneeling on the steps. His ears rang, and his vision speckled with darkness. Roxas breathed through the anxiety and felt the cold, worn-to-a-smooth-sheen concrete steps under his fingertips. Ringing in his ears eased and ceased. A few deep breaths more and the panic cleared. He raised himself, keeping his weight off his shaky legs as much as possible by holding on to the banister.

The thought of himself getting away was clearly too much for his brain to handle. He had never actually thought he would get away. He had never truly thought about what it would look like and feel like to actually leave the life that he and Vanitas… the life that _Vanitas had_ built for them, he corrected himself. It wasn’t the life he wanted. It hadn’t been the life he had ever dreamed about. But it was the life he knew. It offered comfort and reassurance. He knew what to expect with Vanitas – he didn’t with Axel. Axel was fun, kind, interesting, respectful, exciting. But Vanitas had been… well, a majority of those things too, once upon a time.

A slow, low exhale of air got Roxas moving again at a steady pace. Axel was light, warmth, and safety. Axel was fire. Vanitas was cold, manipulative, and bitter. He was ice cutting through to Roxas’ bones.

Strides up the stairs grew more powerful. Roxas focused on how he would be free again. He could start his life with Axel in a few days, whether Vanitas took him to Atlantica or not, all roads led to breaking free from the oppression. That was something to look forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Save Yourself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJAV7drAPAk) by Mane
> 
> Shameless self-promotional plugs -  
> My [Tumblr 'creamypudding'](https://creamypudding.tumblr.com/) \- if you want more direct news from me regarding chapter updates.
> 
> If you'd like to get onto an AkuRoku discord channel with me and a bunch awesome AkuRoku fans check [THIS POST](https://creamypudding.tumblr.com/post/177182884401/discord) I made on Tumblr and drop me a private message there and I'll link you.


	13. The Ripple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Axel comes to the rescue but also comes face-to-face with the consequence of Roxas’ decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A violence alert for y'all and explicit content below.

Each day was an eternal drag and Monday couldn’t come fast enough. Axel itched for things to keep him occupied over the next four days. He hungered for work, begged for sleep – whatever it took to lessen the pounding of his worries and – to be honest – his excitement over having Roxas with him soon.

He had managed all right, but when he finished work on Sunday he got absolutely no sleep. He was far too excited, terrified, and nervous to switch off enough for unconsciousness to take him. So, Axel cleaned. Not that his crummy apartment was a pigsty or anything, but it hadn’t been deep-cleaned since before Axel moved in around five years ago.

He didn’t own a vacuum cleaner, or any cleaning products, or cloths – or whatever people used to wipe things down with – but he had a pile of old clothes to use as rags. He did contemplate asking his neighbor, Isabelle, for cleaning things, but it was very late, and she would stop bringing him cookies if he pissed her off too much. So, he went about scrubbing benchtops, cupboards, tiles, and grout with the rags and soapy hot water.

It passed the time, made his place smell like… well, soap, and gave him a mean stiff back. But it had passed the time. Daybreak had arrived, and Axel made himself an omelet. As he blearily worked on devouring his meal he noted that he was in a very chipper mood, despite the no-sleep thing and increasingly sore body.

Roxas would be with him soon. Axel would be able to make Roxas breakfast and prove that he could cook. He’d be able to prove to him an array of other things too. Like how Roxas had been wasting precious months not being with Axel.

He left his apartment early, grabbing his trusty jacket off the hanger as he exited, and got to Roxas’ soon-to-be-former residence at roughly the same time as last week. He still needed to see Vanitas leave, because it would spell disaster if he went over there and ran into the man.

Axel waited for a while and watched with immense relief as Vanitas exited the building. That sight was exciting but didn’t guarantee that Roxas was there. He waited a little bit before crossing the road and making his way to the apartment.

He buzzed the intercom once, twice, three times, in quick succession – he was _that_ excited.

The intercom came to life and Axel was greeted with a laugh and, “ _Relax, would you?”_

“I can’t. Let me at you already.” He finished off with a purr.

The door buzzed open and Axel raced in, caught the elevator up, and headed for Roxas’ apartment. He knocked on the door until Roxas opened it, after what felt like fifteen knocks too many. Considering the greeting he had received the last time he had been here, this felt like a light rejection.

The door opened with a, “Hey, Axel,” and revealed Roxas struggling to wear a smile. His eyes and nose were red, and he sniffled a bit.

Axel felt his face drop along with his stomach. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” Roxas rubbed his face in the crook of his elbow and then his eyes lingered on Axel’s torso, which was clad in the black leather of the jacket Roxas had made for him. The sight of it seemed to make Roxas’ smile grow, and he got out, with a bit more energy, “Come in.” He swung the door wide and stepped aside.

Axel entered, and the door closed behind him. A weepy smile met Axel when he turned to look at Roxas. He opened his arms towards the other man and a sob shook out of Roxas, who almost fell against Axel’s chest. They embraced. Roxas clung, almost with desperation.

“You didn’t throw it out,” came Roxas’ muffled voice.

“Of course not.” Axel squeezed Roxas for reassurance.

A little tremble shook Roxas and his fingers flexed against the fabric of Axel’s jacket. “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe this is goodbye,” he squeaked against Axel’s chest.

Axel kept holding Roxas, rubbing and patting his back in a soothing fashion. “You still wanna go?”

Roxas sniffled and looked up at Axel. “I have to. Seeing how I’m still here… I have to.”

Axel nodded. “Call me selfish, but I’m really glad you’re still here.” He gave an extra big squeeze after which they pulled away from one another.

Roxas sighed. He seemed less weepy now but frowned. “You _are_ selfish. I really wanted Vanitas to not screw me over this time around.”

“So, what happened? Or didn’t happen… I guess.” Axel followed Roxas into the apartment and stood where the small hallway opened into the larger space. Roxas went to the kitchen counter and tapped his fingers lightly on the bench.

“Where do I even begin? I found flights for us, told mom we were flying in on Friday at eleven at night, and that she didn’t need to greet us – we’d just see ourselves in. I gave Vanitas all the details and let him book everything because – well, you know,” Roxas looked tense and shrugged.

Axel nodded and assumed Roxas meant his financial situation.

“You want something to drink?” came Roxas’ offer.

“Uh, what’ve you got?”

“Green, herbal, or black tea. Apple juice. Water. Or, you know, a gallon of that gross red wine,” Roxas’ lip quirked up and he huffed in derision.

“Juice, thanks.” Axel moved towards the kitchen counter while Roxas went around the island to the fridge.

“He booked the flights and then tells me the night before we’re supposed to fly out that he couldn’t get Chesh on the flight, or any other flight.”

“Really?”

“Mhmm.” Roxas got a glass out of a cupboard and the juice out of the fridge while he continued on, “He said the flight was all full, even though I told him to specify that we had a pet with us. But whatever. So, he said we could just leave her with the neighbors—we don’t even _know_ our neighbors. Van wanted us to keep to ourselves in this new place, so not wanting to start any more fights, I didn’t talk to anyone. I told him we couldn’t just leave her with strangers.” Roxas placed the glass before Axel. “So, we stayed. He promised to make it up to me – that we could go see my parents next month – that he’d apply for leave and we could go for a whole month,” Roxas grumbled and frowned.

Axel put his hand on Roxas’, which was still clutching the glass of apple juice. Roxas’ other hand went and rested atop of Axel’s. He huffed. “He did it on purpose. I know he did. It’s all just a big excuse. He’s trying to keep me around for as long as possible. But I’m done. I’m so fucking done.”

Axel lifted Roxas’ hands off the glass and kissed at them.

The scowl softened considerably. “Sorry, I’m bitching. It didn’t come as a surprise, but it’s just really annoying.”

Axel hummed and took up the glass, drinking from it before doling out his sympathies. “I know you didn’t want him to disappoint you.”

Roxas sighed heavily and slumped with elbows against the countertop, still standing opposite of Axel.

“But that’s why you’ve got me as a plan B.” Axel smiled sweetly.

Roxas laid eyes on him, and a smile slowly bloomed, growing stronger with the passing moments. “Yeah. Thank you so much, Axel. I did have another way out of this, but having you around is way better than having to call my mom to bail me out.”

“Does she know how bad your relationship is?”

“Mm. She probably has a feeling about it, but I’m too stubborn to listen to any advice she has ever tried to give me.”

“I know how she feels,” Axel muttered.

“Hey!” Roxas pushed at Axel’s shoulder, slightly in jest.

Axel chuckled in response. “So, are you good for the move today? Is this going to happen?”

A deep inhale of breath was followed by a pregnant pause— “Yeah. Let’s do this.” Roxas pushed off the kitchen bench and walked towards the door closest to the kitchen.

Axel polished off his drink while his heart cheered.

The packing and tidying up didn’t take more than an hour and a half. Axel asked what he could do to be helpful, to which Roxas simply told him to sit and look pretty. So he did. Axel batted his eyelashes every time Roxas looked over at him, which netted him a huff, or roll of eyes, and once, even a peck on the cheek when Roxas had been walking around the sofa.

Roxas had a neat way of piling all his things together. It made it very obvious that he didn’t own very many things. There was one large suitcase, a thick portfolio binder – which he said housed all his references, sketches, and designs – and the other large portion that comprised Roxas’ worldly possessions were all cat related. A cat carrier, grooming and feeding equipment, toys, and scratching poles. They were all bulky. Axel tried to imagine how they would transport all this stuff… and where he could stow it in his apartment.

As Axel looked on, he began wondering about Roxas’ sewing stuff. He saw bags of fabric but no sewing machine. When Axel asked about it Roxas went very quiet, saying he didn’t have it anymore.

Time and time again, Vanitas’ assholishness was reaffirmed.

Since Roxas required no help, Axel spent his time bonding with Cheshire – when he wasn’t busy making eyes at Roxas. He petted her, played with her, and when she had enough, let her go her merry way. He also made a few phone calls to his friends who had access to cars, as it was becoming apparent that public transport would not cut it.

Turned out that Lucy had access to a van and could bring it around in the next hour. That gave Roxas and Axel an hour to sit and make out in. Though, as Axel watched Roxas move about his apartment, he could tell that it wasn’t going to happen. Roxas went from room to room. Double and triple checking he had packed everything, and probably also saying mental goodbyes. Axel understood that this must be tough on the other man, but he was also very glad that Roxas possessed the fortitude to go through with it.

“Lucy will be here soon,” he said after some time, having just received a text saying she was on her way.

Roxas sat at the kitchen counter, his head buried in his hands. Axel got up off the sofa and walked over, sliding a hand along Roxas’ back up to his shoulder, and squeezed a little. “You’re very brave, you know that?” Axel praised.

Roxas didn’t respond. Axel sat down on the bar stool next to Roxas and leaned against him a little. They sat together in silence. The apartment was quiet, bar for the tick of a clock somewhere, and the hum of the refrigerator.

“I’m not. I’m a coward. I’m running away. I can’t even stand up to him,” Roxas muttered after some time.

“You’ve tried. I’m sure you’ve tried many times. There’s nothing wrong with calling it quits. It’s called self-respect.”

Silence descended upon them again, but then Roxas suddenly turned to face Axel. “What happened to your friend?”

Axel gave him a quizzical look.

“The one you said was in a similar situation to me. The one you said you left alone and lost contact with.”

Pain welled and stung in Axel’s chest. “Xion,” he uttered. Was it okay to tell Roxas? Surely it was. The man was all packed up and leaving. Axel could hardly guilt him into something. His hands wrung together lightly on the countertop. He held Roxas’ gaze as much as he could, but choked on the words as he said, “She died.”

Blue eyes went wide. “Died?”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “She didn’t leave her boyfriend in time.”

“Oh my God.” Roxas’ eyes wandered away from Axel, and he looked a little paler than before.

“The guy’s in jail now. He got twelve years for manslaughter. That was three years ago now,” he said bitterly. Ben had been the absolute worst piece of shit Axel had ever met. He would never stop hating that pig.

“I’m so sorry.” Roxas’ hand slid up Axel’s arm and squeezed.

Axel gave Roxas a smile. “It’s all right. But it’s why I was really worried about you. I didn’t want to tell you that at the time, in case you thought I was trying to push you into leaving.”

Roxas looked at Axel with an undecipherable expression on his face. “You’re always thinking of me,” he said quietly.

“Of course. I love you.”

A pained look instantly engulfed Roxas.

“Are you okay?” Axel said gently.

“I don’t—No. I’m not. He said that to me before he left for work today, y’know. I won’t be here when he comes home.” Roxas’ face tightened woefully, and Axel could see the onset of tears forming. Not knowing what to do, Axel just rubbed Roxas’ back. He hoped Roxas wasn’t regretting his choice and willed Lucy to get here already.

“I’m such an awful person.” Roxas winced.

“You’re not.” Axel leaned over and pushed their foreheads together.

Roxas seemed apprehensive at first, pushing back against Axel’s hand, but then leaned into the movement and after another moment, even rubbed his cheek against Axel’s. “Thanks,” he murmured.

“You can still change your mind about leaving.” Axel hated himself for trying to comfort Roxas in such a way. But he loved the way that Roxas’ smile pushed against the apples of his cheeks.

“No. I, ah… I’ll be okay.” Roxas pulled away from Axel and sat up straight. “It’s just hard right now. I couldn’t leave him without saying goodbye, so I wrote him a letter.” Roxas pointed to an envelope Axel hadn’t noticed before, at the far end of the kitchen bench closest to the wall. The chain that Roxas had always worn in the past was laying on top of it, though it looked broken now.

“I was up all night writing it… while Van was in our bedroom, sleeping… it just…” a pained sigh left Roxas.

Axel gave Roxas a sympathetic frown and rubbed his back. “You think you got it all down? Everything you want to tell him?” Axel was more than a little curious to know what it said, but it really wasn’t his business.

Roxas nodded. “I think so.”

A loud buzzing sounded, causing both men to jump.

“Fuck, what’s that?” Axel yelped, hand on his heart, and frantically looking around.

“The intercom. Now you know why I told you to cut it out,” Roxas laughed gently.

Roxas answered the intercom, and Lucy came up. She helped Axel move things into the van while Roxas corralled and coaxed Cheshire into the carrier.

Whilst waiting for the elevator to take them down, Lucy was all grins and elbowed Axel repeatedly.

“What?”

“So, you and Roxas, huh. Huh. _Huh_!” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Axel smirked. “We’re not official.”

“But you achieved a full-court press!”

“A what now?” He truly didn’t get her sports references at times. He assumed it was one, because when she didn’t make sense it was usually sports related.

She looked irritated for a moment. “All that pressure finally paid off.”

“I wasn’t pressuring… was I?”

“Well, he’s moving in with you. He’s leaving his boyfriend for you. You did something to land that cutie.”

“I don’t think I did anything. He’s leaving his boyfriend for himself, not me,” Axel corrected. There wasn’t a shadow of a doubt in his mind. He had tried to make Roxas leave that ass for Axel’s ass, after all, and it hadn’t worked. Axel was just lucky to be picking up the very sexy pieces. “I’ll agree to the last bit though. He sure is cute.” He hummed to himself, pleased.

Lucy giggled and they both moved into the elevator as it arrived. She then sighed wistfully. “You’ll have to tell me all the goss one day. It sounds romantic. You’re here for Roxas to bring him to safety. A hail Mary after what was probably a really rough game. He’s really lucky to have you in his corner.”

That was something that Axel _did_ understand. “Thanks. I want to make sure he’s all right. And thank you for coming at such short notice.”

“No worries, pal. You can make it up to me by making me your best man at your wedding.” She winked, elbowed him, and laughed to herself.

The remaining trips up and down were filled with Lucy gushing over Axel and Roxas and making up flight-of-fancy scenarios of how they ended up together. Axel was pretty sure there was going to be fanfiction. And he was even more sure she’d read out her favorite bits at their wedding, if they ever had one.

That brought a smile to his face.

* * *

 

The three of them arrived at Axel’s place, and once the two men were left alone, Axel became aware of his nerves. His neighborhood wasn’t as nice as what Roxas was probably used to. His place was small and rather cramped if two occupants had to live in it.

He sighed. They would have to make do.

All of Roxas’ things were piled together in the very back corner of the open living-dining area that his place opened up to upon entry. Axel felt very conscious of his sagging fabric couch, the drink stains on the carpet, and the lack of curtains on the north-facing window.

“So now that all your stuff is in, let me give you a tour of home-sweet-home. The kitchen’s just through there, as you can see.” He pointed to the right. It was narrow and deep, with cupboards and the fridge lining all one side and the opposite being a long bench for prep-work, with inbuilt stove, microwave, and oven. The sink was at the very back.

“I did stock up the fridge with all kinds of things, so just help yourself to whatever, whenever. The bathroom is through the door next to the kitchen, and then my bedroom’s through the door next to that.” This led to the obvious question and made Axel the most nervous of all. But he figured he’d get Roxas settled in first before broaching the subject of their sleeping arrangements.

Roxas was quiet. He had been ever since they had left his apartment. He was now looking around himself and ultimately looking at his pile of stuff. “I’m sorry, Axel.”

“Huh? What for?”

“Being a bother.”

Axel waved his hand, dismissing him. “I want you here. I’ve wanted you here ever since I knew you were unhappy and stuck.” He gave a big, encouraging smile.

Roxas wrapped his arms around himself. It set Axel’s alarm bells off.

“C’mon, let’s get Miss Cheshire out and set up her play area.”

Roxas seemed to relax and nodded eagerly.

Both of them got to unpacking the cat-related things, setting them up near the window, as Roxas said she enjoyed looking outside.

By about midday, both of them sat on the couch, watching to see if Cheshire would emerge from her cat carrier. Roxas had been trying to coax her out and cheer her on but was left defeated and slumped on the couch next to Axel. “She’ll come out when she’s ready. Or hungry, I guess,” Roxas conceded.

“You made a good effort. And speaking of food, you want anything?”

Roxas shook his head. “I’m really tired.”

That word caused Axel to yawn. “Me too. I gotta be at work in three hours.”

“Oh shit, that’s right. I’m so sorry.” Blue eyes were wide with concern.

Axel chuckled. “Don’t sweat it. You feel up for a nap?”

Roxas nodded and they sat, staring at each other for microseconds before eyes fell away, looking for distractions. The implication was there. Axel wasn’t sure why it felt so weird.

“C’mon, let me show you—”

“I can’t sleep with you,” Roxas blurted, a desperation to his voice. “N-not like that. Not yet. I’m sorry.” His head sunk.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” though Axel had hoped for it. “I’m talking about actual sleep.”

“Oh—Oh, _God_ , I’m sorry for assuming you meant—” Roxas made a pained sound in the back of his throat. “I’m so dumb,” he said with bitterness tinting his words.

“You’re not. Don’t say that about yourself.”

Roxas gave Axel an unhappy sneer, not believing a word Axel was saying.

“Don’t look like that either. If I’m being honest, yeah, I am actually hoping to have sex with you now that the boyfriend situation isn’t there to stop us anymore. So, see, you’re not dumb. You know me really well.” Axel tried at a playful smile and pushed Roxas’ shoulder. But it didn’t ease the sullen cloud which had sunk onto Roxas like a heavy fog over a valley.

“I… I really can’t. Not yet.”

“And that’s fine but… I guess I kinda do want to know why not.”

Roxas took a deep breath. “Van doesn’t know. He’s at work right now, thinking I’m still at home waiting for him. If I do anything with you now I’d—” Roxas bit his lip.

“Oh. I… get it. So once evening comes—”

“Yeah, I’m all yours.” Roxas looked at Axel, bright and eager.

A shiver ran through Axel. His voice dropped with desire, “What’re we gonna do when I come home?”

Roxas visibly swallowed. “Whatever you want. But right now… I can’t sleep with you.”

Axel’s chest heaved with equal parts desire and resignation. “Okay then. Until then, we should still get some sleep. You can take my bed. I’ll stay on the couch.”

Cheeks turned red. Roxas still looked stricken. “You can’t do that. You have work. I’m a guest. You getting a decent sleep is more important. You take the bed.”

A flash of irritation welled in Axel. He didn’t like being told what he could and couldn’t do in his own home, but then it melted again. Roxas was being too sweet to take umbrage with. “You saying my couch isn’t comfortable?” he cocked an eyebrow and smirked a little. But the jest seemed lost on Roxas.

“No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” his open palmed hands flailed about, “but just, generally beds are better than couches for sleeping on and you need your rest. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just—”

“Roxas, relax,” he laughed gently, placing a hand on the man’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Eyes sunk to the floor.

“Would you feel better if I had a sofa bed instead of just a crummy couch?”

“Yeah. No! I mean your couch isn’t crummy. It’s a nice couch. But… yeah… an actual fold out bed,” he mumbled.

Seeing Roxas like this was strange. Well, not completely strange. He had acted like this whenever Vanitas had somehow been involved. Axel just supposed he wouldn’t see this side of Roxas again after the move. But perhaps it was still early days and the boyfriend – no – _ex-boyfriend_ – would be a distant memory in due time. Axel liked how that sounded. “Take my bed, Rox. Just for now. I have tomorrow off, and we can go shopping for a sofa bed to save us any future problems if we can’t sleep together for whatever reason.”

“Whatever reason?”

“Yeah. Who knows. You might be a snorer,” he winked.

“And you might be a bed-pusher-outterer for all I know,” Roxas teased back, looking a bit lighter than before.

Axel smiled. “We’re going to have fun finding out. Even if it isn’t straight away.”

The fun extinguished with Roxas’ groan. “I’m sorry that I’m being so stupid. You shouldn’t have to buy a sofa bed. We should just… let’s just go sleep on the damn bed. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” But it seemed to still be bothering him a lot. His body seemed tense and the grimace didn’t appear to be fading any time soon.

“Let’s just take it slow for now. There’s no rush. I want you to be comfortable, so take the bed –ah –ah –ah!” Axel cut Roxas off before he could start. “It’s my home and non-negotiable. If we keep arguing, we’ll never get sleep. So just take the bed.”

Roxas seemed to resign himself to that fact. “I’m sorry for putting you in this situation.”

“What situation? Having you around? It’s what I’ve wanted. So, you should stop apologizing.”

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, sounding defeated. Then, suddenly realizing what he did, gasped. “Sorry.” He stared and then groaned. “S—”

Axel leaned in and pressed his lips to Roxas’, shutting him up. He touched his knee and slid his hand up Roxas’ thigh, squeezing and rubbing with reassurance. He then pulled away, but their noses still touched. “Relax.”

Roxas opened his mouth but shut it again and just nodded.

It made Axel chuckle. “You’re really cute.”

Redness on cheeks intensified. Roxas placed his hand on Axel’s, which still rested on his thigh. “Thanks for putting up with me.”

Axel picked at blond hairs, pushing them out of Roxas’ eyes. “We’re both tired. Let’s get some sleep.”

Roxas nodded and they stood up. Axel led the way into his bedroom. He had been dreaming about this moment for a while now, but in those, they were already naked by the time they set foot in this room.

“You can put your things in the wardrobe.” Axel pointed to the built-in with mirrored sliding doors. He grabbed a pillow off his bed, as well as the soft throw-rug he kept to warm his feet and headed back towards the living room. He turned back around to see Roxas sitting down on his bed. It made him smile in contentment. “Get some sleep.”

“Thanks, Axel.”

He nodded. “Oh hey, could you do me a favor?”

“Yeah. What do you need?”

_‘You snuggling next to me. A blowjob. Us naked and sweaty_.’ He just said, “If you hear my alarm go off but you don’t hear me moving, can you wake me?”

“Oh, yeah. Sure.”

“And I mean _really_ try your best to wake me, and make sure I actually get up.” He had relied on his friends in the past, much to his disappointment.

“Sleeping beauty?”

Axel smiled broadly. “Be my Prince Charming.”

“Charming’s actually a generic term. Aurora’s prince was Prince Phillip.”

Axel stared at Roxas, wondering where that had just come from. “You’re such a fucking Disney nerd,” he laughed.

Roxas gave him a sheepish smile and his eyes fell to the floor.

“Just wake me, okay?”

“Yeah, you can count on me. I’ll get you up.” Roxas nodded eagerly.

That response made Axel smirk. “I know – you already have,” he winked and smiled wider when Roxas looked shocked and a burning blush tinted his face.

Roxas moved quickly, kicking one of his shoes off, pulling the sock off, and throwing it at Axel, hitting him in the face.

“Oh, gross!” Axel yelped and then laughed. He saw Roxas going for his other shoe and still laughing, left the bedroom, closing the door behind himself. Axel felt amazing. Seeing a semblance of his Roxas returning to him was precious.

* * *

 

_“Wakey wakey, sleepyhead.”_

Axel’s eyes flung open to see blue eyes framed by blond hair and a big grin. Pressure fell away from his nose and mouth and Axel could breathe again. He groaned and closed his eyes. It was too early.

Soft breath brushed against his cheek and then there was pressure against his lips, but not like before. Axel smiled and kissed Roxas right back. Fingers raked Axel’s hair and rubbed his skin. It was bliss. But then the warmth was gone. Axel opened his eyes again and sat up, following Roxas’ retreating form. He reached out and caught Roxas by the wrist, stopping him from getting completely off the couch.

“Awake now?” Roxas smiled.

“Yeah. You’re way better than any Prince Phillip, oh gallant Prince Roxas.”

Roxas giggled and then gave a pleasant hum. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah. I’ve fallen asleep on this thing plenty of times. Don’t worry.”

“Okay.”

Axel let go of Roxas’ wrist but sought out his hand instead. “Did you get any sleep?”

“Some. I packed my stuff away and Cheshire came out, so I gave her a tour.”

“Oh, where’s she now?” He looked around the living area.

“Sleeping on a pile of my clothes I couldn’t fit anywhere.” Roxas pointed towards the bedroom.

“You need me to make more space?”

“No. It’s fine. They’re clothes I barely wear anymore. Is it okay if she sleeps in your bedroom? Or do you want that a cat-free zone?”

“Ah… maybe keep it cat free if that’s okay.”

Roxas nodded. “I’ll move her when she’s awake.”

“Thanks.” Axel sat up more and pulled himself towards Roxas. “Can I get another kiss?”

The nap seemed to have worked because a shy smile was given and Roxas leaned in, connecting their lips. Axel breathed in deeply, cupping Roxas’ face and pushing against him. The motion tilted Roxas’ head back and Axel took full advantage of parting lips, deepening their kiss. He tasted Roxas and felt his body truly awaken with rousing desire.

Axel pulled at Roxas’ torso, getting the other man almost onto his lap. Roxas pulled away, gasping a little. “You need to go to work.”

“Let me call in sick. I want you so bad.” Axel leaned in again, needing more kisses. But Roxas pushed against his chest.

“It’s not fair on your coworkers.”

Axel scoffed. “I’ve bailed them out so many times. They owe me.” He tried for another kiss but was stopped once more.

“I don’t want you to go out of your way.”

“I’m not.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t be causing any problems?”

He gave up, letting his hands drop away. “What’s this really about? I’m not asking you to sleep with me. Just – make out.” Axel said with exasperation.

“We both know it’s not going to stop at making out.” Roxas wore a slight frown but then softened as he said, “I think it would just be better if you went.” Eyes flicked to the digital clock by the TV. “It’s not six yet. Vanitas doesn’t know.”

“Okay, it doesn’t have to be making out. I’ll cool off. We can just hang out, get you settled in more, watch a movie, order take-out—”

“Take out?” Eyes went wide.

“Yeah, anything you want.” Axel nodded. “What’s that look for?” Axel asked through a breathy laugh as Roxas gave him a despairing expression.

“I… I’m not used to ordering take-out.”

“Oh, want me to cook? I can cook too.”

“No. No, no, you go to work. We can have dinner later.” Roxas started pushing Axel a little.

“So, I’m not allowed to stay in my own home?” he joked.

“No. You have to make the big bucks. You have a hungry cat you need to feed.”

“And a hungry Roxas.”

“I live on air and sunshine.”

“Lies. I’ve seen you polish away a whole pizza all by yourself,” Axel laughed, heartily.

Roxas giggled in a chesty and contained way. “I guess. But you should go, or you’ll be late.”

“All right, all right. There is food in the fridge. Make yourself at home. Eat whatever you want if you get hungry. I can’t wait for work to be over, so we can spend time together.” Axel ran a finger up Roxas’ neck and lifted his chin up. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on lips.

“I’ll see you in a few hours,” Roxas smiled in a content sort of a way, clasped the hand that was under his chin and pulled it to his mouth, where he deposited a kiss on a knuckle.

They stared into each other’s eyes longingly. Axel didn’t know how he was still restraining himself, but he was. A loud blare snapped the two men out of the tender gaze and Axel tended to the alarm on his phone and got ready in under a minute – it was a skill he had developed out of necessity. He headed to work with a blow of kisses and to the sound of Roxas’ soft laugh.

* * *

 

Work was as it always was; loud, fun, and busy. It was early into the evening when Nancy approached the bar, carrying a tray laden with empty glasses. She gave Axel a pointed look, so after he finished taking money for a drink he had just poured, wandered over to speak with her.

“What’s wrong?”

Nancy looked decisively uneasy. “You know that guy who came in here like a month ago yelling at you?”

Axel tensed. “Yeah?”

“Well, he’s here now.”

“Where?” He looked around, trying to spot the despicable blight of a man.

“Out the front. Drew heard some of the patrons talking about some guy pacing around outside. I had a quick look. Should I call Rude over?”

“Tell him that the guy is back. Marly wants to be told about it too. But let me go talk to him first.” Axel had to give him a piece of his mind before he was dispatched. He asked Jonah to mind his side of the bar while he was out and handed over his apron.

He quickly made his way outside into the stuffy summer evening air. It didn’t take long to spot Vanitas, pacing off to the left and kicking the building wall every few steps. He looked really mad, which was fine with Axel. The guy had made his own bed, and now he had to lie in it.

Their eyes locked on to each other, but instead of heading straight for Axel, Vanitas turned and headed down the alley leading around the back of the building. Axel could appreciate the smart move. It would allow them to cause less of a scene.

Vanitas kicked a rubbish can as Axel came around and into the alley. A rat scurried away. They looked at each other – it felt like a Mexican standoff. Axel went further into the alley and stopped a few feet away from Vanitas, who was still dressed in his work clothes, though no tie was present, and he looked rather disheveled, with undone suit and business shirt buttons not done all the way up.

“Why are you here? I told you never to come back.” Axel explicitly remembered that being his parting remark the last time they met.

“If you could be trusted I wouldn’t have to be here,” Vanitas spat with gruff anger and took a few steps closer towards Axel.

Axel didn’t want to listen to the man. He just wanted to be rid of him – while also maybe leaving some biting and boastful words with him; Axel was petty that way. “I don’t know _what_ you’re talking about.”

“Bull-fucking-shit! You said Roxas was all _mine_. That you had _no_ interest! So why – when I come home – is he gone? Why are all his things gone? Why does he leave me a sappy letter saying goodbye? Huh?” Vanitas shoved Axel’s shoulder.

Axel shrugged off the touch. “Maybe he’s finally had enough of your shit,” he said sharply and glared.

“And where would he go? He’s got no one. _Nothing_.” Vanitas’ voice raised by an octave.

“You made sure of that, didn’t you?” It boiled Axel. Those words illuminated what a conniving snake this man truly was.

“He’s mine. He shouldn’t need to have options open because I’m his only option. The only one he should ever want to choose and need.” Vanitas thumped his fist to his chest, passion and fury melding into one.

“Hate to break it to ya, but it looks like he’s chosen self-respect over you.”

Vanitas scoffed as if Axel had told a ridiculously bad joke. “You mean he’s chosen your lanky-fucking-self over me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Axel crossed his arms over his chest.

“Bull-fucking-shit! You _stole_ him! You’ve filled his head with crap. You fucking liar! You said you were done with him!” Vanitas shoved Axel again.

“Stole?” Axel leaned in and over Vanitas slightly. “He’s not some fucking property. He’s a person capable of making his own decisions.”

Vanitas gave a dry-coughing laugh. “That shortsighted moron hasn’t made a decent decision in his life. ‘ _Oh Van, what should I do? Oh Van, where should we go? Oh Van, why—’_ ”

“You made him that way. You stole every chance he had of making a decision for himself,” Axel snapped.

Vanitas’ sulfur eyes narrowed, and his tone dropped, “Is that what he told you? That I _made_ him give up his dreams? That I _ruined_ his life? That I’m a _bad_ person?”

Axel wished that Roxas had been sensible enough to use strong words like that. “He’s never called you a bad person. He thinks the world of you. But you let him down. You abused his trust and love, and you don’t deserve him.”

Vanitas snorted. “And you _do?”_

“More than you.” He felt confident about that.

Vanitas laughed, and his smile dropped to a scowl. “You’re right. I don’t deserve him. I deserve so much better. He’s weak and pathetic. Can’t stand up for himself, gets swayed by anyone making pretty eyes at him.” Vanitas glared up at Axel. “He doesn’t give a shit about you, you know. He’s just into you because he got bored of me. And frankly, I’m getting so sick of his shit too. But you know what? I’m the only one who can stand him. And you’ll see it too. Because he’ll use you too. He’ll cheat on you as he did with me. So, if you want him you must be really desperate to put your dick somewhere. And you know what? He’s not even that good, so you’re just wasting your time.” Vanitas turned away a little, looking bored and disgusted.

Axel’s outrage blazed high into the sky. “How dare you! How fucking _dare_ you talk like that about the guy you’ve been with for seven years. You’ve got no respect.”

“Oh, _I’m_ the one with no respect? What about you? Where is your shame over breaking up such a long-standing relationship? Don’t you have any shame?”

Axel gave a mocking laugh and then stopped suddenly, throwing daggers with his eyes. “No. You’re not pinning this on me. Listen to yourself. You’ve got such contempt for him. It’s you who’s destroyed your relationship. You’re the orchestrator of your own downfall, not me.”

“We were fine before you came into our life. Before you put your dick where it doesn’t belong.”

“I’ve never put my cock anywhere near him.”

“As if you haven’t. His ass is so tight – his mouth so fuckable. That’s all he’s good for, y’know. Putting my dick into his mouth. At least that muffles the constant bitching and whining.” Vanitas rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Axel’s mouth hung open. What was this guy’s deal? One moment he talked like he deeply cared about Roxas and the next— “You’re a fucking psycho. I’m glad he’s finally left you. He’s better off without you, better off away from your hate, and the bullshit you fill his head with. When he’s away from you he’s awesome, fun, really confident. It’s _you_ who’s the problem. You’re the one who’s made him constantly doubt himself and his abilities.”

“I never did anything to him. He’s just weak. If he was stronger he’d have put me in my place a long time ago. And y’know, that’s why he needs me. To look out for him, to make him strong.”

“Belittling is _not_ how you make someone strong.” Axel didn’t even know why he was attempting to reason with Vanitas. The guy was clearly insane. “Just leave Roxas alone. He’s had enough of you. He doesn’t need your shit anymore. He’s become a lot stronger and made his decision. And it’s a _final_ decision. So just leave us alone. Don’t try to find us and don’t come back here either.” Axel turned around and made for the main street.

“So he _is_ with you. You’ve stolen my Roxas and you’re gonna…” Vanitas huffed, and then a sudden bellow of, _“You fucking son of a bitch!”_ came from behind.

Axel was grabbed by his collar and flung backward. He fell over, backside making painful contact with the ground, and the back of his head smashing into the concrete. Ringing in his ears and a stinging pain blocked everything else out for seconds that felt like minutes. Sense returned but not quick enough. A heavy weight descended on Axel’s stomach, knocking the air out of him. Venomous, yellow eyes, framed by wild black hair, appeared before Axel’s eyes and pierced into him.

_“Fuck you!_ ” Vanitas bellowed.

Axel saw the fist flying at him but was unable to dodge. His eyes closed reflexively as the fist made contact with his face. Axel’s head slammed back into the solid ground with a sickening _crack_. The sound of the world around him buzzed with static. A sharp pain dug into his ribcage, forcing breath out of his body, and a wince out of his throat. Another raging scream pierced the air, which Axel could hear through the loud static ringing in his ears. More pain ignited Axel’s face as another agonizing fist smashed into him.

Axel roused. Limbs struggled and grabbed ahold of anything they could. Fabric – something soft and warm. Axel’s fist poised to strike, blind. The heavy weight on top of him lifted, and his fist hit nothing but air. The force of his intended punch rolled him over to his stomach.

Axel gasped for air. His heart raced and pounded against his ribcage. He lay on the ground, unable to move. Something rolled him over. Axel stared up into the black void above, marveling at the sparkles in the sky, and wondering why Roxas missed the stars when they were all right there.

The dark partially lifted. Axel began making out patches of bright red, pink and cream, which filled his vision after a few more blinks. He tried to focus on it. A sound was breaking through the buzzing.

_“A—”_

_“Ah—”_

_“Ax—”_

_“Axel!”_ came the shout as the static dropped away.

The colorful blob in front of him finally made sense. “Hey, Marly,” he half-coughed.

His boss emitted a sigh of relief, and Axel felt gentle pressure being exerted on his body.

“Are you okay? Can you stand up?” his boss’s voice was filled with calm concern.

Axel tried. He groaned and strained. Hands, arms, and shoulders were there to help, and he finally stood upright.

_“Let go of me!”_

Axel looked towards the source of the yelling. Sick glee surged through him at the sight of Vanitas being restrained with his hands behind his back, and Rude, Organization 13’s imposing bouncer, standing behind him, making the man look very weedy in comparison. Vanitas was struggling, but Rude was like an unmovable statue. Axel hoped Rude was exerting his firm and painful pressure on that piece of shit.

“What happened here?” Marluxia tugged at his arm and walked an unsteady Axel over to the two other men, who were at the mouth of the alley. “Why did you attack my employee?”

“Self-defense,” Vanitas spat.

“Bullshit!” Axel barked and then winced, holding his head.

“Quiet,” Marluxia roared at both of them. Vanitas quit struggling and stood still.

“I have cameras in this alley, so choose your accusations carefully.”

Vanitas glared. “We were having an argument.”

“An argument by which you attacked my employee. I’m fairly certain you’ve been given a verbal warning to not harass my staff, or return to my venue, but here you are – escalating the situation.”

Axel was filled with righteous pleasure and he couldn’t hold the small smirk at bay. Vanitas was in such deep shit. Getting punched was totally worth it to be able to see the worm squirm.

“He started it.” Vanitas made a motion to move towards Axel, but Rude continued to restrain him.

“I will review the tapes and reprimand my staff member. I will also report this to the police and have you charged with assault.”

Vanitas’ eyes burned with hatred, directed at Axel. “You’re loving this, aren’t you,” he snapped, quietly.

He knew if he said anything, Marluxia’s wrath would increase tenfold. So in response, Axel’s smirk just grew wider, though he also winced at the throb and sting which emanated from the left side of his face.

Vanitas huffed with sick joy at seeing Axel’s pain.

“You are hereby permanently banned from my venue. You will not set foot inside. You will not loiter outside, or around my building. Is that clear?”

“I want nothing to do with your shitty bar. It’s got shit music, shit drinks, shit staff.” Vanitas glared at Axel again.

Marluxia waved at Vanitas dismissively, signaling Rude to take him away.

While Vanitas was being dragged into the back of the alley, he craned his neck back, shouting at Axel, “Tell him! You tell that fucking coward that it’s not over! He’s still _my_ boyfriend. I’m not letting go of him until he tells me to my face that it’s over!”

Axel shook his head and exhaled heavily. Marluxia’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, drew Axel’s attention back to his boss.

Marluxia did not look amused. “I’m going to dock your pay.”

“ _What_? Why? What did I do?”

“You brought your domestics to my place of business. You didn’t call Rude to deal with the situation. And I will have to pay worker’s compensation to you, so losing some money now won’t mean anything in the long run.” Marluxia, with his hand on the small of Axel’s back, pushed him in the direction Rude had dragged Vanitas off to. “Nothing to see here, move along,” he directed at the small crowd of people who had started gathering and more quietly said to Axel, “Come on. We have to file an incident report, call the police, and get your eye looked at. It’s a disgraceful mess.”

“Is it really?” Axel only noticed now that he couldn’t see anything that was on the left of him. He went to touch it and winced in pain and disgust at how puffy it all felt. Blood was on his fingertips.

“It is. We’re going around the back.”

Axel sighed. It would be a long night.

* * *

 

It was well past midnight before Axel found himself catching the elevator up to his apartment. He was beyond exhausted but felt energy return to him when he thought of what awaited him at home.

He opened his front door, wondering if Roxas would be asleep. The light was on in the back of the dining-living area. The pile of Roxas’ things had diminished and what was left appeared even more neatly stacked. Axel thought he could spot movement in the cat carrier but other than that, he saw no further signs of life.

Upon closing his door, Roxas’ voice drifted from somewhere, _“Axel! You’re finally back?”_

Axel saw the strip of light underneath the bathroom door. “Yeah. Sorry I’m so late. I wanted to call you, but I have no clue what my landline is.” He slipped out of his jacket and shoes, leaving them by the door, and deposited his keys in a bowl on the not-used-for-purpose dining table.

He headed into the kitchen to grab a drink. “I didn’t worry you too much, did I?” he called out loud enough so Roxas would still hear him. He then filled his glass at the tap and downed the contents in one go.

The sound of a door opening drifted through the space, and then Roxas’ voice came, much clearer, _“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. I’ve been—where are you?”_

“Kitchen.”

Footsteps sounded. Axel kept his back turned. He wasn’t sure how this would go down with Roxas. He filled his glass back up and drank more.

“I’ve been trying to keep busy. Cleaned your bathroom. Hope that’s okay.”

Axel looked over his right shoulder. “I don’t mind, but why clean? My place that disgusting? Or are you just a neat freak?” He chuckled, not wanting to make Roxas think he was offended or trying to be mean.

“No. Your place is fine. I actually hate cleaning, but…” Roxas shrugged and hugged himself a little. “I’ve been feeling nervous all evening, so I thought it would be a good distraction.”

“Well, thank you, Roxas. I did try and tidy up before you got in, but… well, I don’t have any cleaning products. Hope it didn’t make your life too hard.”

Roxas shook his head. “I found some baking soda and vinegar and lemon juice. That’s all you really need.”

Axel let out an impressed, “Oh,” and sniffed the air. “I thought I could smell something citrusy.” He turned back to the sink and rinsed his glass. He wouldn’t be able to keep this charade up for very long. Eventually, he had to face Roxas.

“Why did you come home so late? Is everything all right at work?” Roxas’ voice sounded closer.

Axel gripped the sink and leaned against it heavily. He inhaled deeply. “I don’t want you to freak out about this, but… well, funny story, actually – I think Vanitas _definitely_ knows you’ve broken up with him.” He laughed quietly and turned around.

Roxas’ eyes and mouth went wide. A wordless, ‘ _Oh my god_ ,’ graced Roxas’ lips before his hands flew up to cover his mouth. A moment more of staring and, “He did this to you? Axel!” Roxas reached up but stopped just short of touching Axel’s face. “No! I’m so sorry! I’m so fucking sorry. Are you all right? Does it… hurt? Do you… do you need an ambulance? A… a cold compress? Let me get you something—” Roxas moved around erratically, before seeing the fridge and heading to it.

Axel caught him by the arm and pulled him towards himself. “I’m fine. Relax.” He pushed Roxas’ face against his chest and held him.

Roxas struggled a bit. “No, I need to—I should—you need help.”

“I need a hug.”

Roxas stopped and turned his head up to look at Axel. A quiet moment passed. Axel gently smiled down at the frazzled man. A deep sadness crossed Roxas’ face and he buried his head against Axel’s chest and squeezed him.

“I’ve already had paramedics look me over. I’ve got some pain meds, and they cleared me. I’m all good. Really,” Axel tried to soothe.

“I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault,” Roxas muffled against Axel’s chest.

Axel kept the wince inside. His sides still hurt but the hug was so nice. “No, it’s not.”

Both men looked at one another.

“How isn’t it? He’s done this to you because I left.” Roxas’ hand reached up and fingers ghosted over and lightly grazed Axel’s swollen cheek and eye socket. “I shouldn’t have left,” he uttered.

Axel frowned a bit, feeling mild anger rising. “Don’t say that. Him doing this to me is _exactly_ why it’s good that you left. He seems unhinged, and the longer you stayed, the more risk there was to you.”

“But you don’t deserve this. Oh God, he didn’t hurt you more than this, did he?” Roxas pushed Axel away so he could look him over.

“I might have a bruised rib, but that’s about it.”

Roxas looked pained. His eyes shimmered in the harsh light of the kitchen’s fluorescent tubing. “I’m so sorry.” He went in for another hug but then eyes widened with realization. “I’m _so_ sorry!” he said once more with urgency, as his palm hovered inches from Axel’s sides.

Axel huffed out in dry amusement and patted his side. “It’s fine. And don’t apologize for what he did. You’re not responsible.”

“But my actions have consequences. I… I should have let you stay home instead of insisting you go to work. I… _fuck!_ I’m so sorry that you’re in the firing line.” Roxas rubbed at his face with force and agitation. Wet eyes returned to Axel. “Van gets… very angry, very easily. I should have stayed,” Roxas berated himself and his eyes fell back to the floor.

“No. Stop saying that. I’m so glad I’ve got you away from him. It’s worth the few bruises.” Axel rubbed Roxas’ cheek.

Roxas’ head snapped up and a sharp glare was given to Axel. “You’re crazy. It’s not worth it. _I’m_ not worth it.”

“You are,” Axel said with softness.

“No.” Roxas’ frown grew deeper.

“You _are_ ,” Axel said with more force.

Roxas looked defiant. The brief annoyance that washed over Axel fell away and he smiled at Roxas with the good side of his face, so as not to hurt himself.

“I’m not going to win, am I?” Roxas practically glowered.

“Nope.”

He sighed, took Axel by the hand, and pulled him along.

Axel looked back towards the kitchen and then at Roxas. “What’s happening?”

“I’m gonna take care of you.”

Axel liked the sound of that. Roxas sat him down on the couch, with pillows all around. He put on Sleeping Beauty for Axel to watch while he reheated the dinner he had made. They sat right next to each other, shoulders rubbing together and elbows occasionally digging into each other’s sides as they ate and laughed at how creepy the movie was. Afterward, they sat across from each other on the couch whilst Axel recounted what had happened… minus all the unpleasant things Vanitas had said. He spoke about the police coming, the lengthy reports needing to be filled, and how he hadn’t actually laid charges against Vanitas.

“You didn’t?”

The astonishment and relief in Roxas’ voice made Axel feel like he had made the right call. “Yeah. I didn’t. If he’s found guilty he would have to go to jail.”

Roxas gasped.

“I didn’t want you to get upset. I know you still care about him.” Axel could tell by the lip quiver that Roxas was holding back the tears.

“You did that for me?” Roxas said.

Axel nodded.

Roxas grimaced with seeming pain. “You had every right to charge him though.”

“Your happiness is more important to me. I’d happily take more black eyes as long as he keeps away from you, so you can live your life.”

“Why’re you being such a martyr?” Roxas asked softly with a reluctant glance up at Axel.

“Because I’m stupidly in love with you,” he gave another lopsided grin. “Don’t look so worried.”

“If anything happens to you… if anything like _this_ ,” he leaned across the couch and caressed Axel’s face, “happens to you _again_ … I couldn’t live with myself. You should have gotten him charged. You need to stay safe.”

Axel’s heart swelled with adoration over the concern Roxas showed for him. “Admit it, you’d be upset though – knowing he’s in jail. But I guess also knowing he might come back if he’s not in jail. It’s kind of like… there’s no happy solution.”

Roxas frowned but stayed silent on the matter. “Let me do the dishes,” he said quietly before putting the TV back on for Axel and walking the plates and cutlery to the kitchen.

Axel listened to the sound of water running in the kitchen and only paid limited attention to the infomercial that was playing on the TV. His mind went over the exchange of words he had with Vanitas in the alley. It bothered him, and he didn’t know what to do. Somehow the threat Vanitas had made about them not being broken up seemed like something Roxas should know about. But at the same time… it was a crazy message. Vanitas couldn’t force Roxas to be with him if Roxas didn’t want to be. But Vanitas was still important to Roxas. His crazy words might matter. That made Axel angry. He didn’t want to have Roxas be all hung up about a manipulative moron. He was actually afraid that Roxas _might_ take Vanitas’ message seriously.

Axel didn’t want to be _that_ guy who kept secrets, but he also really didn’t want to waste time and energy to pass that message along. It was too hard to think about right now. His head was too heavy for any of this, so he let his mind quieten down and watched the screen before himself.

Roxas returned after a while and sat back down as Axel moved his legs to make room for Roxas. “Did he… seem like, _super_ angry? Did he…” Roxas groaned in pain. “This will sound so bad but… did he seem _happier_ after he did that to you?”

Axel turned off the television and sat up slowly. He shook his head. “He was pretty angry throughout the whole thing.”

“He has a hard time letting things go. I – should go talk to him. I shouldn’t have left him a letter.”

Cold panic gripped Axel and twisted his guts. Considering what he had seen Vanitas do to himself, a letter had probably been the correct response. He tried to sound as measured as possible, “I really think you _shouldn’t_ see him.

“But—”

“No. Seriously… I need you to stay safe. Me getting beat up is fine, but _you…_ he wouldn’t have stopped at a few punches.”

Roxas wore a thoughtful frown. “I… he wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Are you one hundred percent certain?”

Roxas was about to blurt something out without thinking, but he shut his mouth and looked at his hands for a moment. He rubbed at his fingers and then brushed over the wrist where Axel had seen the bruise on, such a long time ago now – but still not nearly long enough to ever forgive it or forget it.

“No,” Roxas muttered eventually. “But, I don’t feel good about how I left things with him. I… I think I need to talk to him.”

Axel sighed. “I guess if you really have your heart set on it you could maybe call him?”

“I don’t have a phone.”

“Oh, what happened to yours?”

Roxas’ face scrunched up and his eyes looked at the coffee table, instead of at Axel. “I broke it.”

“Oh. I guess you could use mine?”

Eyes snapped to look at Axel. “Thank you – but then he’d have your number. I can’t let him harass you.”

Axel nodded. “Thanks for thinking of me.”

Roxas reached out and held Axel’s hand. “I should have been thinking about you a lot more. I shouldn’t have let you go out.”

“Nothing we can do about it now.”

Roxas gave a disgruntled nod, and then asked, with worry lacing his words, “You don’t have to go back to work any time soon, do you?”

Axel shook his head. “Marluxia doesn’t want me to be seen looking like this. He’s given me two weeks off and then I’ll be off for a bit more depending on how my face goes.”

Roxas sighed with relief and rubbed at Axel’s knuckles.

“You worried that Vanitas will be back?”

“Yeah,” Roxas breathed out.

“He’s barred from the bar. He knows Marluxia will press charges against him, no matter what – no excuses.”

“But what if Van follows you back home from the bar? Or he somehow finds out where you live? Finds _us_? Finds _you,_ all alone?” Eyes were wide and wild.

“We’ll be fine. I promise you. And anyway, if he ever does come at me again I’ll be prepared. He just caught me off guard, that’s all.” Axel tried to give Roxas his most reassuring smile – but the state of his face probably didn’t convey the message he hoped for.

Roxas leaned towards Axel a little more. Their hands clasped together, and they held onto each other firmly. “I don’t want you to ever have to see him again. I don’t ever want you to be in danger again. You’re important to me.”

It warmed Axel to hear Roxas talking about him like that, and to show such concern. “Thanks for worrying about me.”

“I can’t let anything happen to my penguin. We only just got together. And I – ah,” Roxas threw a glance behind himself at the bookshelf next to the curtainless window, and Axel followed the gaze, “reunited them.”

The two penguins were standing together on one of the shelves, bowed heads touching, looking at their little marble egg. It made Axel smile – wince – and then smile again, more carefully this time. It felt so right. Having Roxas with him felt perfect. He pulled Roxas towards himself, and Roxas obliged by scrambling atop of Axel, straddling his lap. Concerned hands went all over the bruised, and not-bruised parts of Axel’s face. Roxas pressed gentle kisses to Axel’s forehead, brow, nose, cheeks, and then mouth. Axel loved Roxas’ weight on his lap, and the slow, gentle caress of warm fingertips against his skin. Tentative little pecks turned to short sucks, soft nibbles, and then more assured grazes.

Axel leaned back and tilted his head against his couch’s armrest and lounged, with Roxas on top of him. Roxas leaned down as well, and his hands began to roam off Axel’s face and wandered down his body, while soft kisses tickled Axel’s skin. The attention melted all the stress of the day away. This was just what Axel needed after all that had happened – and not just regarding today either.

Axel lazily caressed Roxas’ sides, slipping down to his buttock and back up, to start the journey all over again. Roxas’ hands, meanwhile, reached Axel’s stomach. The shirt was lifted and warm fingers, and then palm, pressed against Axel’s skin. Axel hummed and brushed his tongue against Roxas’ lips. Roxas’ mouth opened, and Axel’s stomach buzzed with a thrill.

He started holding Roxas’ hips firmly and slid his fingers under Roxas’ shirt to touch smooth, taut skin. Roxas leaned into the touch with his body and pushed his tongue into Axel’s mouth. Axel tilted his head back further, letting Roxas take charge of their kiss. It was wonderfully desperate. Roxas’ hands roamed and explored, as did Axel’s. He had been fantasizing about touching Roxas for so long – it was almost surreal that it was finally happening.

They pushed against each other with more need. Roxas’ hands left Axel’s body and suddenly Axel’s shirt was up around his armpits. Axel raised himself and his arms, allowing Roxas to pull off the garment.

Roxas discarded Axel’s shirt, tossing it in a random direction. Wide blue eyes lidded heavily with lust at the sight of Axel’s torso. Axel enjoyed watching Roxas drink up the sight of him. A tingling shiver went up his spine and a throb pulsed down his shaft. Roxas’ hands were back on Axel, roaming, rubbing, sweeping across his skin. Roxas gently caressed the bruise on Axel’s ribcage. He leaned in, kissing the site of violence and then began kissing his way up Axel’s body. Pectorals, clavicle, jugular, jaw, and lips.

Axel ran his hands up Roxas’ sides, lifting his shirt with the motion until Roxas got that Axel was also eager to undress him. Their kiss broke, Axel removed Roxas’ shirt in much the same manner as Roxas had done for him, and then Axel pulled Roxas flush against himself once more. Both men moaned into each other’s mouths with how nice the skin-on-skin contact felt. Axel’s fingers stroked and kneaded Roxas’ back. He loved the strength he found in Roxas’ body and couldn’t wait to feel those muscles when they started going at it in earnest.

Roxas drew out of the kiss and nuzzled his face into the crook of Axel’s neck, where he started leaving kisses and small bites. That really made Axel want Roxas. He hummed, shifted his body weight, and rolled them over. He hovered above Roxas and quickly reconnected them with a hungry, intense kiss.

He sucked ardently and had the passion be returned in equal measure from Roxas. Axel pulled off Roxas though, wanting to see the man below him, as much as feel him. His eye and hands trailed down Roxas’ chest and stomach, gorging themselves on exquisite features. But fingers halted when they came in contact with a yellow-green discoloration. There were a few more areas like this of varying sizes, wrapping around the middle of Roxas’ body, as well as his upper arm. The sight quenched the fire in his eyes and chilled Axel’s lust.

Roxas reached out for one of Axel’s hands. Their fingers found one another and held tight.

“When did this happen?”

Roxas sighed and avoided eye contact. “A week ago.”

Axel thought back— “The phone call?”

Roxas shook his head. “It wasn’t that. Van was mad and on the warpath. He wanted an excuse to break my things, so please don’t think it was anything you did.”

“Break? What did he break?” Axel looked on, mild panic gripping him, and he prayed that he wouldn’t discover a broken bone if he looked further down Roxas’ body.

A stern look and slight frown from Roxas landed on Axel. “He threw my sewing machine out the window and was gonna do the same to Cheshire. So, I stopped him and… well, yeah. _This_ happened.” His hand waved at himself, vaguely.

Axel inhaled sharply past his teeth. “Shit.” He rubbed at the marks with his free hand and lifted Roxas’ hand, kissing his knuckles.

“It’s okay. I’m glad it’s finally over,” Roxas mumbled.

Axel was too, but Vanitas’ dumb words came back to mind, forcing Axel to think about all that shit again. Vanitas declaring that they were still dating was such an absurd thing that Roxas would never fall for that shit. So, Axel thought that he should just tell Roxas about it. Vanitas didn’t have a capital on their relationship. He couldn’t dictate whether it was still on. But what if Roxas took it to heart?

Axel was still holding Roxas’ hand to his mouth. Roxas’ thumb caressing the underside of his chin brought him back to the planet.

“You all right?” Roxas asked.

“Yeah. Just… thinking.” Axel kissed Roxas’ hand again before letting it go and returning his hand onto the marred abdomen.

“About what?”

Was he going to say something? Apparently yes, “You’re completely fine with us doing this, yeah? You’re not worried about cheating anymore?”

Roxas took up Axel’s other hand and rubbed. “It’s over between me and Van. I told him everything – I _wrote_ him everything I needed to say. So no, I’m not worried anymore. I’m done.” But he sounded tense.

Axel ran his eyes all over Roxas. Over bruises, light hair, nipples, neck, onto tongue, which flicked and wet slightly chapped lips. Roxas was sublime. Axel was done talking. Done worrying. They were free to do whatever they wanted with each other. Vanitas had just been trying to stir up trouble. So, Axel made peace with himself and asked, “Roxas, can I kiss you wherever I want?”

Lips rubbed together gently, eyes worked over Axel’s body. “Where do you want to start?” Roxas asked with bated breath.

“Right here.” Axel pressed a finger to Roxas’ lips. Said lips parted, tongue protruded and licked. It didn’t stop there though; Roxas leaned up a little, taking Axel’s finger into his mouth and sucked. The butterflies kicked up a storm and Axel’s body blazed with hunger. The tingle of desire in his chest seeped into his groin while memories of reversed roles came to mind.

Roxas released Axel. “Where do you want to finish?” His voice possessed an alluring gravel.

Axel bit his bottom lip quite hard. His eyes fell down Roxas’ body and his finger followed, skidding down the planes of warm flesh, and following the happy trail. He came to a stop at Roxas’ waistband. Both men looked at each other. Roxas appeared flushed and his eyes darted between Axel’s finger and eyes.

Axel resumed his finger’s journey, over pants, and onto the top of the bulge that was forming down there. Axel stroked the soft tip of Roxas’ head through the fabric of his pants, with great tenderness.

Roxas’ chest heaved, and he rubbed his lips together.

“Here,” Axel breathed out, already imagining kneeling before Roxas, with the man’s thighs pillowing the sides of his head while he swallowed Roxas down as far as he could.

Roxas released a shaky breath and nodded. “Okay,” came the consent Axel had longed to hear for months now. It wasn’t Axel who made the first move though; Roxas’ hands were on Axel’s chest, pushing him back and down towards the other end of the couch. His head landed against the armrest and Roxas descended on him. The warm tongue pushed into his mouth with no resistance from Axel. He sucked on Roxas and wrapped his arms around him. Lust and heat filled Axel’s body and soul.

He felt the strong back muscles rippling with Roxas’ every move. He ran his hands down Roxas’ sides while Roxas undid Axel’s pants. A few moments later there came a tug and Roxas’ mouth left Axel’s. Kisses fell down his neck and chest. Axel arched his back and gasped with delight. Hands were working on pulling his boxer-briefs down along with jeans. Axel reveled in the steady feel of fingers over his hips and he shivered when Roxas’ fingers slid around towards his backside.

Roxas’ lips reached Axel’s navel before it registered to Axel what was happening. He had wanted to be the first to do the honors, so he roused himself out of heady pleasure.

“Rox, stop.”

Head snapped up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Roxas stammered and looked startled, but damn if those rosy cheeks didn’t speak volumes as well.

Axel chuckled, “No, don’t be sorry.”

“Then… what?” Roxas’ brow furrowed in confusion.

“I call dibs. It should be me doing this to you. I want you in my mouth.” Axel sat up, pulled at Roxas’ backside so their hips were flush against each other and then he leaned forward. He pulled his legs out from under Roxas and pushed the smaller man back down against the couch and began kissing him.

First was the edge of lips, where he nibbled and sucked his way to the middle. He sucked on Roxas’ bottom lip and enjoyed how Roxas’ hands were running up and down his back, all the way to his pants and underwear, which were already slipping down. Roxas’ hands continued to slowly push the material off with each passing sweep and squeezed at Axel’s sides and backside with desire.

Axel pushed into Roxas’ mouth. He loved listening to all of the little sounds which spilled out of the man’s throat. He loved how Roxas pushed his hips up towards Axel, making him think of the way they had ground together on the dance floor. Axel’s erection kept building. His heartbeat grew in speed as excitement rose. He had wanted to do this with Roxas for so long. Since day one, really. And now it was finally here. He kept the giddy laugh inside.

Axel left Roxas’ mouth and pressed firm kisses down his neck, on collarbone, pecs, and then took a scenic detour to Roxas’ nipples where he licked, nipped, and sucked; curious to see what reaction he could get from him.

Roxas writhed and kneaded Axel’s sides as Axel’s backside was now too far down for Roxas to reach.

Axel kept maneuvering downward, leaving kisses and humming in delight. He pulled at pants, popping button undone, and pulling the zip down while his tongue meandered down Roxas’ abdomen. Roxas’ stomach was heaving. Axel flashed eyes up to see what state Roxas was in – emotionally. Roxas seemed under a cloud of pleasure. It made Axel smile. He passed his palm over Roxas’ groin – his erection bulging a lot more now. Axel’s stomach fluttered as he felt Roxas’ satisfying length and girth. He hoped Roxas would want to do him one day. He fucking _hungered_ to get fucked by him. Axel licked his lips. “You’re so sexy, Roxas. I’m gonna suck you off like you’ve never been sucked off before.”

Blue eyes went a little wide and Roxas withdrew his arms from Axel to prop himself up on his elbows. He stayed wordless but stared.

It made Axel smirk. He returned his hungry eyes onto Roxas’ body and pushed the flaps of pants aside. He teased Roxas by running tips of his fingers over the elastic of his briefs while continuing to press kisses down Roxas’ abdomen.

Axel hooked fingers under the band and pulled them down, revealing the head of Roxas’ penis. Axel made a show of licking his lips, casting a sultry glance up at Roxas and then descended on him, first exhaling against sensitive skin and then licking at beading liquid and pressing his tongue against Roxas’ slit.

Roxas shivered, gave a shaky exhale, and the cutest mewl Axel had ever heard. That mewl had been _so_ cute, in fact, it made Axel stop and look up at the other man in hopes of catching a gorgeous expression to go along with that sound. Axel wasn’t disappointed; Roxas’ lips were parted, his eyes were glazed over, and his head lolled to the side a little. He nudged his hips up against Axel like he was begging for more.

It was such a tease. Axel chuckled and revealed more of Roxas. A deep and low moan worked its way out of Axel’s chest as the sight of Roxas’ desire for him knotted his insides. He went down on Roxas again, taking his throbbing erection into his mouth as he freed more of the hot flesh from pesky clothes. Axel rubbed his tongue against the underside of Roxas’ shaft.

Roxas was panting. His hand grabbed clumps of Axel’s hair and that just about drove Axel wild. He sucked harder on Roxas, massaging the salty liquid out of his slit and moaned with pleasure at how perfect it all was right now.

Axel pulled garments down a little further, he opened his mouth a little wider, swallowing Roxas down a bit deeper.

Gulps, and then a soft sniffling sound interrupted Axel from taking Roxas in all the way down to his base. The strange sounds made Axel look up, and what he saw froze him place. Roxas was still propped up on his elbows, but he was staring woefully up at the ceiling while tears rolled down his cheeks.

Axel slid himself off Roxas’ erection. “What’s wrong, babe? Is it me?” He scrambled back up, pushing his hand into blond hair and rubbing, lovingly.

“No. No, God, no. It’s never you.” Roxas gave a squeaky, disgruntled laugh. He pulled Axel’s hand out of his hair and kissed the palm. “It’s always me.”

“What can I do to make it better? Am I coming on too strong?” His heart was thumping in his gut from excitement and worry.

“No.” Roxas sniffled. “Please don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I’m really happy, Axel. Really fucking happy.”

“Then why the tears?” he asked gently.

“I – I feel really bad,” Roxas said, unable to get it out without sobs hitching his voice. “I’m so sorry. I just don’t think I can tonight,” he cried.

“Hey, don’t be sorry. Don’t apologize to me. It’s all fine.”

Roxas shook his head, and more tears fell out of his squeezed-shut eyes. Fingertips ghosted over the left side of Axel’s face. “I shouldn’t have insisted you go to work. If you had stayed this—if you had stayed we could have—” Roxas scrunched his face up, even more, to try and stop the tears. “And now we can’t because I’m a fucking mess.”

Axel sighed. “Stop thinking about it. You’re not responsible for what happened.”

“I am,” Roxas squeaked woefully through tears. “I’m such a fuck up. Such a mess.”

“I think we’re both a mess,” Axel said in resignation. His head started throbbing, or maybe he was just becoming aware of it again.

Roxas sniffled and his voice broke, “Are you feeling all right?”

“I’m okay, but I think I’ll be way better after a good night’s rest. Let’s go sleep it off, Rox. We’re both exhausted.” He squeezed Roxas’ shoulder and got off the other man, hoisting his pants up so he wouldn’t trip over himself.

Roxas sat up a little. “In bed, together?” Blue eyes shimmered with tears and uncertainty.

“Yeah, is that okay?” Axel felt even more exhausted as lust drained from his body, leaving him sluggish and heavy.

Roxas thought for a moment and then nodded eagerly. He pulled his briefs and jeans back up as he stood. Axel held out his hand, and Roxas took it. Reassuring squeezes came from both of them and they walked into Axel’s bedroom. The door was shut, jeans were discarded without fanfare, underwear kept on, and Axel pulled Roxas into bed with him. Warm limbs wrapped around each other, blanket was pulled on top of mostly naked bodies, and they snuggled together. Roxas’ arms were around Axel, and his hands stroked where they rested against his skin. Axel buried his face in Roxas’ hair, smelling it and loving how it tickled his nose. Sex would have been epic, but this was divine and felt amazing too.

“I’m so glad you’re here with me, Roxas. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve been lying awake here worrying about you,” Axel mumbled into Roxas’ hair. His hands were around Roxas’ hips and he lazily stroked the skin he found under his fingertips.

“I’m so sorry that I ever made you worry. I’m so sorry about everything.”

Axel hushed Roxas with gentle shushing and loving strokes of his fingers. “It’s all good. We’ve got each other now. Go to sleep.”

“Night, Ax. Thank you so much for everything.” Roxas pressed a kiss to Axel’s collarbone and nestled into the fleshy part of Axel’s chest.

A mellow smile spread across Axel’s face – it didn’t even make him wince. “Goodnight, my beautiful penguin.”

Roxas chuckled and pressed more kisses to Axel’s skin. “Good night, Axel. I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

They fell into a peaceful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I wanted Axel to get a hit on Vanitas I didn't want him to get into shit - even if it was in self-defence. So forgive me. Normally Axel would totally have beat his ass.


	14. Justice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas tries to protect Axel the only way he knows how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient. Last week there wasn't a chapter because life was quite busy for my beta.
> 
> But I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> Explicit content below ;)

Axel awoke to kisses being pressed to his face. He stretched and then threw his arms around Roxas, pulling him down to the mattress and nuzzling into the man’s neck.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Roxas giggled.

The sound of mirth made Axel’s heart swell. He nuzzled harder, eliciting more laughter from Roxas. He planted a kiss on Roxas’ cheek, hummed with joy, and said, “Morning, sweetness. I see that yesterday wasn’t a dream.”

Roxas slowly shook his head. “It wasn’t, but, I kind of wish it had been,” he said softly while fingertips carefully brushed against Axel’s face.

“Why?”

“Your face – how’s it feel?” Roxas asked gingerly.

“Does it look really bad?”

Roxas nodded.

Axel touched the site of injury, surprising himself with how he had completely forgotten about it. His skin felt hot and squishy. “Doesn’t really hurt.” He flinched. “Okay, doesn’t hurt if I don’t poke it too hard.” He gave a goofy grin to take the worry out of Roxas’ stare.

Roxas gave a sad smile but then his expression shifted, “It’s not nearly as bad as your hair though,” he sniggered.

Axel ran a hand through his locks. “Geez, what’s wrong with it?”

“It’s everywhere.” Roxas wore a soft smile and pulled at some of the tufts of hair.

“Is that bad?” Axel started brushing at himself with more vigor, feeling oddly self-conscious.

“No, it’s… cute.” Roxas’ smile somehow got softer, which made Axel’s own smile grow. “It’s how I always imagined it would be after you wake up. You’re… how I imagined you to be,” Roxas said very quietly, struggling to hold Axel’s gaze.

Axel took up one of Roxas’ hands and kissed the back of it. His heart was thumping with vigor and he felt warm all over. Knowing that Roxas had thought of him meant a great deal.

They looked at each other for a while and Roxas was definitely turning red. He cleared his throat a little. “Oh, hey, I made us breakfast. But Cheshire might eat your portion if you don’t get up fast enough.”

Axel’s sleepy state fell away. He flung the blanket aside and pulled himself and Roxas to their feet. Axel made for the door, picking up a shirt on the way which he wrestled over the top of his head. Roxas accompanied him close behind.

“You’re not going to put pants on?” Roxas observed.

“Days I’m not working make this a pants-free zone.” Axel cast a look back at a sadly much-too-dressed Roxas. “You’re defying the humanitarian law of this land.” He gave a pointed stare down to the khaki pants.

Roxas scoffed. “So what if I am?”

“I will have to strip you.” Axel turned around and caught Roxas before he could run. He lifted him off the ground. Pantsed-legs kicked in the air and Roxas shrieked with laughter. Axel managed to get back to the bed and dropped Roxas like a sack of potatoes on top of it, and then quickly undid the button, pulled down the zipper and worked his fingers under the waistband of the pants and pulled them down and off.

Roxas was still laughing, but quieter as Axel surveyed him. Roxas gave Axel a look which said, ‘ _you’re so pathetic._ ’ “Done now? Is the law pleased?”

“The law is _very_ pleased.” Axel ran his hands up and down Roxas’ bare thighs.

Roxas sucked on his lip a little and seemed to savor the contact before saying, “C’mon. Tell me more about your crazy laws over breakfast.” Roxas got up and pulled Axel out of the bedroom, and to the dining table, which had been cleared of most of the rubbish which had sat on top of it.

“Woah. Never knew there was a table under that mess,” Axel joked and took a seat.

“I cleared all the empty food wrappers, and everything else that looked important is over there,” Roxas nodded towards the bench by the entrance. “I hope that was all right.”

“And you said you didn’t like cleaning,” Axel teased.

“I don’t… but,” Roxas shrugged, “Vanitas expected things to be a certain way and,” he shrugged again, “I guess now it’s kind of become my habit as well.”

There was that name again. Axel wondered if they would ever be free of it. He decided to change the subject. “Breakfast looks amazing.” Axel’s left eye was swollen shut but he could still appreciate the table set out before him. There were fluffy looking pancakes, scrambled eggs, crunchy bacon, grilled tomatoes, succulent mushrooms, fresh toast, brightly colored fruits, and various condiments in squeezable bottles.

“Thanks.” A lovely smile lit Roxas’ face and he went to take his seat opposite of Axel.

Axel kept looking around the table. He turned his head so he could see everything and decide where he wanted to start his breakfast journey. “First dinner, and now breakfast? If you keep spoiling me, I’ll never get to show off my own amazing cooking skills.” Axel decided he’d just have everything, so he dug into each presented dish, gathering an assortment of all food choices onto his plate.

Roxas smiled and also heaped food onto his plate. “Dinner tonight’s all yours.”

“Good. What would impress you?” Axel said around bacon dangling out of his mouth.

“Seeing you cook something really oily and splashy while the ‘no pants’ law is in full force,” Roxas looked at his plate and chuckled before he shoveled food into his mouth.

“No problem. I can do that without pants or a shirt on.”

“Completely naked?” Roxas cocked his eyebrow and his gaze fell back to his meal.

Axel smirked. “I can be your naked chef. You can even eat off my body if you want.”

It made Roxas roll his eyes, but he was also laughing. “Your plates are perfectly fine.”

“Suit yourself. But I make amazing dinnerware. Ooh, but speaking of going naked, that’s another law of my apartment.”

Eyebrow cocked again.

“Anyone under five eight has to be completely naked, at all times.” Axel leered and mentally undressed Roxas. He was met with a blank stare.

“What about Cheshire? Does the same go for her too?”

Axel shrugged. “I suppose.”

Roxas looked down to the left where Axel assumed Cheshire was sleeping since he hadn’t seen her all morning. “Never thought you’d be into shaved pussy,” Roxas deadpanned.

Axel choked on his breakfast. Roxas looked concerned for a whole second before he started laughing. Axel meanwhile coughed, red-faced, and worked hard on regaining his composure, and once he did, he joined in with the laughing.

“Well, maybe the law can be amended to only apply to you.” Axel corrected after Roxas had finished cackling.

Roxas shook his head. “I’m not doing that.”

“Fine. Suit yourself. But punishment will be severe.”

“What’s the punishment?”

“You have to listen to me butcher your favorite songs.” Axel popped a fork full of pancake into his mouth and then waggled the empty utensil at Roxas.

Eyes went wide and Roxas’ mouth hung open. “Like at karaoke?”

“Much worse,” Axel gave a pleased-with-himself smirk.

“You monster,” Roxas exclaimed in shock and then pouted. “Can the law be bargained with?”

Axel put his fork down, steepling his fingers in front of himself and said, “I’m listening.”

“I, uh – I’ll be naked for you… but only at bedtime.”

Axel hummed. He liked the sound of that. “Do I get to strip you?”

“If I have clothes on, sure.” Roxas looked down at his plate, stabbing mushrooms with his fork.

That response confused Axel. “Why would you already be naked when you get to bed?”

“I like to have a shower before bed,” he shrugged.

Axel imagined Roxas in the shower and then coming to Axel all warm and squeaky clean. He hummed in satisfaction and felt his penis stir. “Yeah, okay. The law has been changed. Always naked in bed, or the singing starts.”

Roxas squinted at Axel from across the table. “Are you… drooling?”

Axel wiped at his mouth. “No, and so what if I was. You’re delicious,” he tried to deflect and resumed eating.

Roxas huffed with laughter. Cheeks were dusting over, and eyes looked away in embarrassment. Axel thought it beautiful. “How’d you sleep?” he asked, wanting to know that Roxas was settling in all right.

“Okay.”

“Just okay?” Axel wondered if he needed to buy a more comfortable bed.

“I never thought you were so needy for validation,” Roxas teased.

Axel nodded. “I want to make sure you’re happy here – happy with me.”

Roxas’ expression softened, and his eyes shyly darted between his plate and Axel’s face. “You felt really good. It was really nice,” he said quietly.

Axel’s love for Roxas blazed in his chest. “I’m going to kiss you now, and I hope that’s okay.” He pushed his chair back and walked around the table. He knelt before Roxas, who swiveled in his chair to face Axel on his approach.

Roxas’ legs spread, Axel slid in between them, and Roxas leaned down while Axel rose up a little. Lips touched and explored. Axel opened up a little, trying to encourage Roxas to take him. The invitation was accepted and Roxas’ tongue slipped in. Axel slung his arms around Roxas’ hips and pressed the palms of his hands against Roxas’ back. The other man’s thighs tightened around Axel’s sides and Roxas rested his forearms on Axel’s shoulders, tangling his fingers into the messy red hair.

Axel was enjoying himself. Bacon and Roxas went well together. He was contemplating lifting the other man up and transporting them both to the bedroom, to see if a good night’s sleep hadn’t done wonders for the both of them.

Roxas stopped the kiss before Axel could make up his mind. Their foreheads pressed together, and they quietly smiled at each other.

“I love you,” Roxas breathed out.

The words inflated Axel. He would never get tired of hearing them. “I love you, too.” He would never get tired of saying them either.

The sound of cutlery moving against porcelain drew their attention away from each other and towards the table. Axel shrieked in horror at the sight of Cheshire eating his bacon. “No! My precious!” He leapt up and bounded towards his breakfast plate. Axel carefully scooped up the cat. “You thief,” he scolded gently and dropped her to the ground and took his seat again. He looked at the chewed-on bit of bacon, picked it up, bent down, and fed it to the cat, sighing. “You’re such a naughty pussy. Lucky you’re so cute though.”

When he sat back up and looked at Roxas, he swore he could almost see the cartoon love hearts swirling around the man’s head. “What?” He looked behind himself and upon not seeing anything, turned back around.

“You’re just – the real deal; gentle, and kind, and funny, and sexy and—” Roxas took a deep breath. “Axel, I want you to strip me down and take me to your bed.”

Axel’s one good eye widened, and his heart pounded. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Roxas tittered.

Axel forgot breakfast and went to Roxas’ side, pulling the t-shirt off with ease as Roxas’ arms were already raised above his head. He tossed the shirt aside and leered, unapologetically, as Roxas stood up before him. He didn’t feel like he had seen enough of Roxas last night. He felt so hungry for Roxas’ small, but toned frame. Axel wanted to cut his teeth on those abs. The discolored skin was still there – maybe looking a little lighter than the night before. Seeing Roxas’ beautiful body in such a state made Axel’s anger flare up. But Roxas was safe now. Axel would take such good care of him. It went a long way in calming him down.

He leaned in towards Roxas, kissing his neck and trailing his lips over shoulders as he hooked his fingers into Roxas’ waistband of his underwear and pulled the last tiny bit of clothing off the other man. He only had to push them down past thighs before they fell away.

Axel’s pulse raced. He felt so hot for Roxas and so needy for sex with the man he had been waiting for way too long. He righted himself, picked up Roxas’ arms and maneuvered them onto his shoulders. He then bent a little, picked Roxas up by holding him around his backside and marched towards his – _their –_ bedroom, while his thumbs stroked the skin of Roxas’ derriere. “New law. Any time you ask for sex, you’ll get it.”

“Even in the middle of the night after you’ve just fallen asleep after a long shift?” Roxas mumbled between kisses left against Axel’s neck.

“Yeah. It’s the law and must be upheld.”

Roxas nuzzled into red hair and pressed a smiling kiss behind Axel’s ear.

“I still can’t believe you’re here with me.” Axel kicked the bedroom door shut with his foot as they entered.

Roxas stopped nibbling on Axel’s earlobe. “Me neither. This is like a dream come true.” Roxas pulled himself against Axel and kissed him deeply.

Axel’s insides squeezed with love and desire. He loved Roxas taking kisses from him so freely. He loved the feel of Roxas’ tight butt and the way he could feel Roxas getting hard against him. Axel kissed back with all the need and pent-up sexual frustration that had accumulated over the months. Yes, he had let off steam with others, but it had never quenched his thirst or satiated his hunger for Roxas.

He bent them down, laying, and kissing Roxas into the mattress. His hands traveled all over Roxas’ body. Down arms, where their fingers interlaced for a few moments, before Axel’s hand continued onto the man’s soft waist, where the vestige of the bruises still ghosted, but could soon be forgotten like a bad dream. Axel would protect Roxas from ever being hurt again. Passion and love surged through his body. Roxas was his to take care of now. He would show him what a proper relationship was meant to look like, starting with mind-blowing sex.

Axel stood back up and looked at Roxas in all his naked glory. Toned chest rose and fell sharply. His erection stood proud, crying out for Axel’s touch. Roxas’ hand raised up, reaching for Axel.

Axel scraped his top teeth over his lower lip and hummed his appreciation for what lay before him. He then pulled his shirt up and over his head and slid his underpants off. “Any requests, babe?” he asked in a low rumble.

Roxas looked all over Axel’s body for a few moments. He shook his head. “Anything. I just need you.”

Those words hit Axel in the pit of his stomach. He sunk to the ground on his knees before Roxas and pulled on legs until Roxas’ groin was in very easy reach.

Roxas leaned back on his elbows, the tip of his penis inches closer to Axel’s face. Axel grabbed Roxas’ hips and pulled him even nearer and slightly off the bed. Axel licked his lips as he eyed Roxas’ erection. Pre-come slid down his head and shaft and gathered around trimmed hairs. Axel’s heart raced, and his erection throbbed with need.

Axel looked up at Roxas, who looked gorgeous with how wide his eyes and mouth were, in sheer wonder. “What’re you gonna do?” Roxas said, almost breathless.

Axel smirked just enough to not make him wince with discomfort. He opened wide, giddy with excitement and anticipation.

_“Oh,”_ Roxas panted and almost as an afterthought added a tentative, “Condoms?”

Axel’s mouth closed up again. He had forgotten about that. “Yeah. I’ll grab some.” Axel always had protected sex with guys, he guessed this shouldn’t be any different. He had gotten himself checked out during his sexual adventures, so he felt pretty confident in being okay, but Roxas… Axel didn’t trust the sniveling weasel of a boy— _ex_ -boyfriend, he corrected himself.

Axel scrambled over to his bedside stand and got what he needed out of it, tossing a foil at Roxas and quickly tearing open one of his own, rolling it on.

Roxas was barely done with his when Axel came back to rest between spread open legs, and as he nestled in close he put a tube of lubricant on the bed, a little out of the way.

“Now, where were we?” Axel cocked his good eyebrow and pulled Roxas close to himself once more. He flicked out his tongue and slid over the latex-covered erection. He licked Roxas’ tip a few times before he greedily took Roxas into his mouth, slowly swallowing him down to his base. A strangled moan left Roxas’ throat and his head was thrown back, causing his erection to push a little further into and down Axel’s throat.

Axel began working Roxas with his mouth, all the while enjoying the desperation his own neglected erection was leaving him feeling. He was going to replenish his depleted stock of flavored condoms. He was going to get flavored lubricants. Bacon flavor. Axel groaned with that thought, and a long moan from Roxas drew Axel’s eye open and up.

Roxas was still propped up on elbows, head thrown back, exposing that neck Axel wanted to leave bruised in lovemarks. He wondered what Roxas would like and want. He had said whatever Axel wanted. Axel wanted… to tie Roxas up and ride his cock until they both came. But most guys always wanted Axel to top though. Roxas was probably of the same persuasion.

Axel gave a few hard sucks before he pulled off Roxas. “You want me on top?”

“Can you—” Roxas shook his head. “Do whatever you want with me,” he panted.

“No, what do you want me to do?”

A pained smile crossed Roxas’ face. “Keep… sucking?”

Axel hummed. Not needing to be told twice, he pressed his lips to Roxas’ head and massaged him with kisses, licks, and then sucks. Roxas squirmed and let out a sexy moaning sigh. Axel worked Roxas further into his mouth wanting to hear more sounds, and he did. Moan upon moan upon moan left Roxas’ throat. They became louder each time Axel gave a sharp suck to Roxas’ head after drawing off the stiff and proud erection. Axel didn’t think he would ever get tired of hearing Roxas like this.

Axel was enjoying himself immensely. He loved Roxas’ cock in his mouth and thought how wonderful it would be to have that girthy erection stretching him wide and filling him up. Axel made himself moan with his fantasy. Roxas bucked his hips and his breath caught in his throat. Roxas’ hand went to Axel’s hair, grabbing locks and pushing Axel down. Axel took Roxas into his throat an inch more and grabbed onto Roxas’ backside a little tighter, controlling the pace by which Roxas bucked into, and was fucking himself, in Axel’s mouth.

Axel found a good rhythm to match Roxas with his bobbing, sucking, and licking. Roxas’ head was still thrown back; his free hand clutched the bed sheets tightly and he kept rolling his hips and almost wailing with pleasure. Axel’s own need was growing. He relinquished his hold on Roxas a little and slid one of his hands down to his erection, where he began stimulating himself. Axel shivered and moaned with pleasure around Roxas’ erection.

He froze mid-suck and the moan died in his throat.

There it was again, the loud sharp sound of a sob. Axel pulled off Roxas, bewildered and alarmed. His hand left his erection. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and then grabbed at Roxas, pulling him more upright to hopefully be able to look at his face.

“Babe, Roxas, what’s wrong?”

Roxas kept his head up to the ceiling. The sobs – they were _definitely sobs_ – shook out of him as splotchy features were struggling to look at him.

“Are you okay?” Axel asked again, raising himself onto his knees.

Roxas finally looked down at him a little, revealing his splotchy red face. “I’m sorry,” Roxas blubbered. “I’m so sorry.” He leaned forward and hugged Axel’s head to his chest.

Axel was completely baffled as to what was happening. He wound his arms a little tighter around Roxas and hugged him close. “What’re you sorry for?”

“For everything I’ve put you through. For this.” Roxas mumbled into Axel’s hair and shook with his sadness.

Axel pulled away a little, feeling an odd mix of arousal and concern. He looked up into Roxas’ watery eyes. “Why’re you feeling this right now? We were just enjoying ourselves—weren’t we?”

Roxas nodded and sniffled. Tears kept gathering and running out of his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah. But I look at you,” Roxas shook with more sobs, “I feel so bad. I feel so bad for leaving Vanitas too. I feel sick. I hate myself. This doesn’t feel right, but I love you – I love you,” Roxas finished in a squeak and more tears erupted. He doubled over with the sadness inside himself and rested his forehead on Axel’s shoulder.

“Oh, Roxas.” Axel planted a kiss in his hair and then lifted himself, sitting down next to Roxas on the bed and holding him with one arm, and then two as Roxas pushed into the hug and held firmly onto Axel.

Axel tried to be as soothing as possible, shushing him and rocking slightly while rubbing Roxas’ bare back. “It’s all right. It’s fine. Maybe it’s too early for us.”

“But I love you,” Roxas pulled out of Axel’s hold a little to look him in the eye.

“And I love you, but we don’t have to push it right now. We have time.”

“But it’s important to you.”

“You think I only want you around for sex?” he asked in disbelief.

Roxas’ frown intensified a little.

The incredulity on Axel’s face only grew. “C’mon, man, you’re important to me. You being happy is important to me. If I just wanted sex – well, I have guys to go to for that, but with you, I want things to be different.”

“Like…”

“A relationship.” Axel smiled at Roxas, who had some of his sadness defused and a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“Really?”

Axel laughed lightly, “Yeah.” He rubbed Roxas’ hair, which made Roxas’ smile grow a bit bigger. “Is that why you’re feeling sad? Because you didn’t think I’d want that from you?” Axel asked, as gently as possible.

Roxas’ eyes cast down and his brow creased. After a moment he gave a small shake of his head. “No. It’s… you’re just – so nice to me,” Roxas mumbled. “Vanitas – he would never – he doesn’t—” Roxas buried his head back in Axel’s chest, extinguishing the last of Axel’s erection.

“C’mon. Let’s get dressed and decide what we want to do today.” Axel gave Roxas an encouraging pat on the back.

Roxas leaned away from Axel and wiped at his face. “I, ah – I have somewhere I need to go.”

“Yeah? You know how to get there? Need my help?”

Roxas rubbed his lips together. “I would really appreciate it if you came with me.”

Axel smiled. “No problem. Where is it we’re going?”

Roxas’ eyes dropped. He swallowed and looked like he was making a choice. “The police station.”

“The police? What’s wrong?”

Roxas’ attention returned to Axel. He fingered Axel’s cheek. “I need to protect you. Protect me. Protect us. I hate saying it, but… I don’t trust Vanitas anymore. Him coming after me is one thing, but you? I don’t trust that he’ll leave you alone. So, I want you to come to the police with me. I want to get a restraining order on him.”

“Woah.” Those words out of Roxas left Axel a little numb.

“Will you come with me?”

“Of course.”

Roxas smiled softly. “Thanks.” 

* * *

 

Hand-in-hand, they made it to the district police station without too many stares in Axel’s direction. He had tried to cover up his unsightly face with a baseball cap and spikes of hair strategically placed to cover his eye and cheek, as applying makeup had hurt too much and Roxas said it would probably be better for the police to see what Vanitas had done. Axel had seen the sense in that.

Once they got there, Axel pulled the cap off and brushed his hair back while Roxas went to the reception desk. There were several people sitting around in the waiting area, looking disgruntled. The place smelled musty, and the decor was dated. It looked like this fact was trying to be hidden – rather poorly – by hundreds of posters and information fliers stuck on top of each other plastering the walls.

Axel didn’t know what to expect from coming here. He had always found the police useless when he had made reports about Xion’s situation. It had always come down to there being no evidence and Xion never saying anything when the police did come around to do a welfare check. And when Axel had gotten wind that him calling the police had potentially caused _more_ trouble, he had stopped doing that.

But Roxas was willing to make a statement against Vanitas, so Axel was feeling kind of positive about being here. Doing this had some kind of impending finality about it. The Vanitas situation would finally end here, which was something Axel _really_ liked the idea of. But being here now, being reminded of Xion and how useless everything had been, put a huge dampener on his otherwise chipper mood. He hoped it would brighten Roxas’ outlook though.

_“Nice shiner,”_ came a deep voice to Axel’s left. “Don’t tell me that pipsqueak did that to ya,” the man of ample size said, laughingly.

Axel gave a quiet, “No,” shook his head, and wandered over to Roxas, who was just greeted by a police officer behind safety glass.

Axel heard Roxas say, “My ex assaulted my boyfriend. I want to get a restraining order and civil restraining order put on him.”

It would have put the biggest smile on Axel’s face if the motion didn’t also make him wince. He, at least, enjoyed the buzz that those words left inside himself. They hadn’t discussed it further than dropping the ‘relationship’ word that morning, but it kind of seemed the natural progression of things.

“Boyfriend?” Axel said with a lopsided smile on his face and in his voice when the officer left to fetch some paperwork.

Roxas looked stricken. “I – I didn’t mean anything by it. I just thought – the police might take us more seriously if we… shit. Sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry. I’ll go tell them—” Roxas began moving, heading towards where the officer in charge of taking their statements had disappeared to.

Axel grabbed Roxas by the waist and pulled him back against himself. Damn, Roxas was super cute. He melted Axel’s heart and made him smile down at Roxas with tenderness. He brushed fingertips against the palm of Roxas’ hand, and said, “It’s all right. We can talk about this more when we get home, but to be clear, I’m pretty excited.”

Roxas looked relieved before the police officer came back and ushered them into an interview room.

The stuff that happened afterward was somewhat of a blur, because it had been a lot of different things all occurring in quick succession of each other, and it was also quite an emotional rollercoaster. Axel had been on a bit off a cloud at first, but then having to give his statement sobered him rather rapidly.

For Axel, it was pretty straightforward. He gave a reference number the police from last night had left him with, so he was spared going through all the details. Despite this, the whole process still fatigued him quickly – because he wasn’t used to being up at this time of day, but also because his head still wasn’t quite right from the previous night’s knock.

When it was Roxas’ turn it wasn’t as quick. Once the word ‘abuse’ left Roxas’ mouth, Axel had been taken out of the room. It was good timing because he received a call from Kairi.

“Morning, Kai-Kai.”

_“It’s midday. Why aren’t you and Roxas at The Kingdom?”_ she asked. _“Lucy said you told her you two would be here.”_

“Ah, about that – we’re at the police station right now.”

_“Oh my God, what happened? Are you two all right?”_

“Yeah. You know Roxas left his abusive-as-fuck ex, right?”

_“Yeah, Lucy said she helped him move yesterday.”_

“So, the guy came around my work yesterday looking for Roxas.”

_“Oh no! What happened?”_

_“I don’t want you to worry. We’re both fine… but I did end up getting a black eye—”_

_“You what?”_ Kairi screamed through the line.

Axel yanked the phone away from his ear and laughed. “It’s all fine. Hurts a bit but looks way worse than it is. I got checked out by paramedics last night and Roxas has been great company.”

A sigh of relief sounded through the phone. _“So, what’s going on with the police?”_

“Roxas decided he wants to get a restraining order on his ex. And he called me his boyfriend.” Axel couldn’t contain the giggle.

_“Really? A restraining order… ‘and’ you’re boyfriends? Wow.”_

“Yeah. –Oh, hey, Kai, someone just came out of the interview room. I gotta go. I’ll fill you in later.”

_“Okay. Bye.”_

Axel hung up and walked over to the officer who was looking at him.

“You can go in again. We just had to do a routine safety check,” the officer informed.

Axel nodded and went back inside the small room which didn’t house much aside from a desk and some chairs around it. There was a mountain of paperwork on the table as well, but other than that the place was pretty bare. Roxas gave him a welcoming smile, which warmed Axel’s heart. Roxas’ hand was outstretched beckoning for Axel to join him, which he did without hesitation. He took Roxas’ hand and slid back into his seat. “You okay?” Axel asked.

“Yeah.” 

“You said you wanted Axel here while we went through getting your statement, is that correct?” the police officer verified.

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. For support. Is that all right with you, Axel?” Roxas turned a hopeful smile onto him.

Axel was still holding Roxas’ hand under the table. He could feel how cold Roxas was and the slight tremble when Axel didn’t hold on as firmly. “Yeah, of course,” he said, never even dreaming of refusing a request like that.

Hands were squeezed, a silent, ‘ _Thank you_ ,’ was mouthed.

“All right then. Let’s begin.” The police officer got stuck into his paperwork, asking questions and taking down Roxas’ statements.

* * *

 

Axel sat beside Roxas for the full three hours it took to go through everything. He listened quietly to all the horrific recounts of years of low-level abuse Roxas had endured at the hands of the guy who was supposed to have loved and cared for him. The more Axel listened, the more he looked between the lines. Roxas was being nice about the way he talked about Vanitas. The supportive boyfriend he tried to paint a picture of only came across as manipulative and controlling to Axel.

It made Axel feel ill, angry, and upset. It also made him feel a lot more enamored with Roxas for having taken the difficult step of leaving the abusive relationship. Axel was very proud of Roxas’ bravery, and somewhere in the back of his head, he also mourned for his friend who hadn’t made it.

Axel kept holding and stroking Roxas’ hand, particularly when Roxas stopped in the middle of his recounts to offer up excuses for Vanitas’ multiple threats to end Roxas’ life, for throwing sharp kitchen implements, for the burning and destruction of things, and even for the very non-consensual sex forced onto Roxas. Every time the police officer had to remind Roxas to stay on topic – that they just needed the factual retelling of events to build a case for serving Vanitas with the restraining orders – Axel gave Roxas an extra-supportive squeeze.

From the way Roxas struggled to stay on topic, to the tremble in his voice and body, Axel could tell it was a very difficult ordeal for Roxas to go through. When they left the police station in the afternoon, Axel felt physically and mentally obliterated. He could only imagine what devastating state the whole process had left Roxas in.

They traveled back to Axel’s place in silence. Axel held Roxas’ hand, and when they slumped in seats on the bus, Roxas sagged like a lifeless doll. Axel wrapped his arms around Roxas and tried to give the man some strength via osmosis.

Any attempts to communicate were not received or acknowledged, so Axel kept the chatter to a minimum. He somehow got them back to his apartment. The door closed and locked behind them and Roxas exhaled like he had been holding his breath the entire time they had been out. He sunk to the floor, whether with relief, exhaustion, or both, Axel couldn’t tell. Cheshire was on Roxas in mere moments. Roxas’ body folded around her, and both of them stayed glued together and to the ground. Axel put his hand on Roxas’ back. He stroked his hair, tried to give him a cuddle and asked, “What do you want to do?” all to no avail. There was no response or sign of life from Roxas. His body stayed hunched over his cat, his forehead did not lift off the floor. Roxas was a collapsed heap.

“I’ll get us something to drink,” Axel said, resigning himself to the fact that he would not be useful right now. When he received no reaction, he retreated into the kitchen once more.

Axel stayed away for a while, choosing to gulp down a few glasses of water at the sink. He threw glances at Roxas, who was in line-of-sight from the kitchen and who still hadn’t touched the glass Axel had put down for him. “You want anything to eat?” Axel threw out, hoping for a response. But there was none. He sighed and went to stare into the fridge, hoping a quick meal idea would spring to mind, as they hadn’t eaten since breakfast – over half a decade ago in Axel-stomach terms. A sandwich or five would do nicely.

He busied himself in the kitchen, eating one sandwich while he readied the next. It was a conveyor belt of food directly going into Axel’s gut. He did set a couple of sandwiches aside for Roxas, in case the man returned from the land of the dead.

Once Axel felt satiated, he turned back to— “Roxas?”

He was gone, as was Cheshire, and the glass of water. Axel picked up the plate of food and took it with him, depositing it on the dining table as he went in search of the other man. Lucky for Axel, his place was small. He went straight for the bedroom, which was curtained and much cozier and more intimate than the harshly-lit-from-outside-streetlights living area. Roxas was lying curled up in a ball on the bed. He was still holding Cheshire, who seemed quite happy to be the object of so much affection. The glass of water was on the bedside stand, looking much emptier than when Axel had last seen it. He went in and sat down on the mattress, laying his hand on Roxas’ side, rubbing at him with affection.

“There are some sandwiches on the dining table when you get hungry.”

Roxas’ head actually turned, and eye contact was made. Roxas had been crying by the looks of things, making Axel’s gut twist.

“It was so humiliating,” Roxas breathed out harshly, “having those pictures taken – having to tell them everything.” He turned away again but Axel could see the tears that squeezed out from Roxas.

Axel kept rubbing at Roxas. He still remembered too vividly the look of abject mortification on Roxas’ face when he had to take his shirt off to have his bruises photographed.

“It’s okay now. It’s all over. You don’t have to think about it anymore. You were really brave, Roxas. I’m so proud of you.”

Roxas looked at Axel again. “Why’re you so good to me? Why haven’t you kicked me out? You don’t have to feel bad. I’ll just go back to my mom’s. It’s no big deal.” His voice was monotone with exhaustion and weariness.

Axel was confused. “Why would I kick my boyfriend out?” He loved being able to say that.

Roxas unfurled rather stiffly. He held and cradled Cheshire, who looked like she was willing to let Roxas do whatever he pleased with her, but if Axel so much as touched a whisker, he bet he’d be toast.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have assumed,” came the beginnings of what felt like a much longer apology.

Axel reached over and put a finger to Roxas’ lips, shushing him. “Stop, Rox. Stop apologizing. You’ve done too much of it today. Remember how I said I was excited?”

Roxas stared blankly and then eventually shook his head.

Axel exhaled a little laugh. “Fair enough, a lot _did_ happen today. So – to recap, we already sort of talked about this. I said I was excited about the idea, and I meant it. I _want_ to be your boyfriend. I _want_ us to be a thing. I _want_ you to stay with me.” He smiled and Roxas seemed to soften a little. But eyes lowered again and glazed over. One of Roxas’ arms left Cheshire and wrapped around himself.

“If you’re gonna do that, at least let me in on it.” Axel’s remark drew blue eyes back to the present and onto himself.

Roxas gave a scratchy, “What?”

“Your mind’s wandering. You shouldn’t have to do it alone. Share.” He cupped Roxas’ cheek to emphasize their togetherness.

It took a few moments of Roxas looking tense and avoiding eye contact before he got out, “I feel like such an idiot. So shit. I… feel so guilty. I didn’t think that I—What have I done? To Van? To _you_? To me? What if the police scare him? What if he thinks I hate him? I don’t. I—” Roxas clamped up and gave a heavy, displeased swallow. “I don’t want anything bad happening to him.” Watery eyes looked up. “I don’t want anything bad happening to you either.” Roxas ghosted over Axel’s bruised side of his face. “I just feel so bad about everything. I feel like I’ve somehow betrayed Van. Or made him into some sort of a criminal. He’s not a bad guy. Things just got out of control. This is all my fault.”

Axel frowned. His heart went out to his boyfriend – and that thought also made his heart swell with love. “Don’t blame yourself.”

Roxas gave Axel a sulking glare.

“Do you regret going?”

Roxas, to Axel’s relief, shook his head. “No. I just wish they would have let me put the good stuff on the record as well. He’s not a monster. They wanted me to focus on all the bad stuff. I… didn’t even know there was so much—the more I thought about it, the more I remembered. But like, some of that stuff was so petty and we both got over it pretty quickly. But the police wanted as much detail as possible and I feel like complete shit for bringing up crap from the past like that.” Roxas’ speech was getting squeakier and more frantic. “Like who cares if he broke my fingers five years ago? It was an accident. We got into arguments all the time back then – before I learned not to get so annoyed about dumb stuff. What couple doesn’t have arguments and little disagreements?”

That’s where Axel felt he needed to step in, as Roxas’ speech turned more fevered, “Little arguments are normal, but you guys had full on violent rows. He held you under a sink full of water.”

“But I threw an empty terrarium at his head,” Roxas fervently defended with sad panic in his eyes. “See, and that’s why I feel like shit. You think the worst of him. So will the police when I’m clearly to blame for him acting the way he did. And I don’t understand why you want me around – why you’re so good to me – so nice, and patient, and kind—” Fresh tears welled.

Axel leaned closer, wanting to mop up all the sadness, but Roxas pulled back a fraction and the expectant tears never fell.

“You’d be so much better off without me. How can you still want me around? I’m so dumb. If today has taught me anything, it’s that I’m a complete idiot. Did you _see_ how many pages of notes that guy wrote? It was like thirty. _Thirty_ pages of how much our relationship sucked and of what a screw up I am, and how awful I am. Thirty pages of how much of an idiot I’ve been for letting things go on for so long. Fuck!” Roxas squeezed his cat, who seemed to take it rather well.

“I think it was more like fifteen pages, and the guy had really messy handwriting and wrote really big,” Axel tried to calm Roxas. “And anyway, seven years is like… a lot of days. Probably over two thousand, easy. I’m surprised you didn’t get the guy to fill in an entire exercise book worth of stuff.” He tried at a cheeky smirk and was rewarded with the smallest of weepy smiles. That was better than looking into the face of misery.

“Thanks for trying to make me feel better.”

“Only trying? It’s not actually working?” Axel scooched closer, so he could get more body contact.

“Maybe a little bit.” Roxas’ smile grew a fraction bigger but dropped again as a sob squeezed out. “Shit. What have I done? I’m such a terrible person. Van doesn’t deserve to have a restraining order on him. He’s good.” Wide blue eyes, rimmed red, looked up at Axel. Roxas’ hand stretched out once more, skirting around the edges of the bruising and swelling on Axel’s face. Roxas seemed to harden a little with a smolder of anger. “He shouldn’t have done that to you. I can’t defend him when he does shit like this.” And then Roxas softened again. “But I want to. I don’t want everyone to think bad things about him. They didn’t let me defend him, Axel. They only wanted to hear the bad stuff. No one knows the good in him. No one sees him like I… _saw_ him.”

The hesitation in Roxas’ voice wasn’t lost on Axel. Even though he had tried to understand what Roxas and Xion had gone through – tried to understand the draw and allure to the men who abused them – it hadn’t really struck Axel how difficult it truly had been until today, when he had listened to Roxas, and witnessed the attempts at defending the honor of the man he had spent a large portion of his life with. Axel still didn’t fully understand it, but it didn’t matter anymore, because Roxas was safe with him. Both of them were safe now. And Roxas insisting on going through with ensuring their safety made Axel feel like Roxas would be able to move on, given time.

He rubbed at Roxas, wanting to bring him as much comfort as possible. “It’s all right,” he hushed the other man as his beautifully tragic face scrunched up with agony. Axel thought he might later regret this, but he was willing to do almost anything to soothe Roxas. “Why don’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“All the good things. I’m sure you’re not crazy. You’ve got a pretty good taste in men, as you’ve demonstrated by being with me,” he flashed a smile, and got a small huff of amusement for his trouble, “so why don’t you tell me everything you wish you could have told the cops?”

Roxas looked at Axel, a bit like a deer caught in headlights. “Really?”

“Really.” Axel smiled gently and climbed onto the bed. He tugged at Roxas, urging him to cuddle up close. Roxas obliged, and let go of Cheshire, who meowed woefully and scurried away towards the main living area, to most likely eat Roxas’ sandwiches.

A thrilling tingle ran through Axel at the way Roxas nuzzled into him.

“You sure? I know you’re not a fan of him and our relationship.”

Axel found Roxas’ concern for him endearing. “Yeah, I’m sure. I’m your biggest fan. And if you need to vent, I’m here for you.”

They looked at each other for some time. A mixture of emotions ran through Roxas as he was weighing everything up. Axel just maintained his gentle smile and soothing hand motions against Roxas’ body.

Eventually, Roxas began talking. He seemed to struggle to find where to start, but once he did there was an upbeat lilt and enthusiastic cadence to his voice as he spoke of the good times he had experienced with the man Axel despised. He told Axel about his childhood memories, of going on adventures with Vanitas, and family outings when Vanitas was able to escape his parents. He told Axel about Vanitas’ poor upbringing, about how Roxas and his home had been a sanctuary from the anger, violence, and tyranny of Vanitas’ father.

Roxas then talked about later years – of how they had reconnected and how amazing that had been. Roxas refrained from any graphic details that might upset Axel. He mostly spoke of fun outings, and tender moments of care the two men had shared, like when Roxas had gotten really ill and had gotten his tonsils removed as a result.

Axel felt himself in a strange position where Roxas was speaking so joyfully about an awful person, all the while pressed to Axel’s chest and tracing idle patterns into his body. All he supposed he could do was find peace in Roxas being with him now. He had, after all, offered himself up to hearing the positive bits… and they _were_ positive, but in no way did they erase Axel’s knowledge of what else had been going on. He tried to stay relaxed about it though, for what was Vanitas now, but a demon relegated to their past? The restraining order would surely pass with all the evidence Roxas, and even Axel, had provided the police with. They just had to wait a week and then they would hopefully be free of that vile man for the rest of their forevers together.

That thought alone made Roxas’ stories more palatable to listen to. And Axel did try to listen, and not just take Roxas’ speaking as background ambiance for his thoughts.

How long Axel listened, he couldn’t be certain. All he knew was that the room seemed to get a lot darker and Roxas seemed a lot better afterward; more lively, animated, and hungry. But as Axel had suspected, Cheshire had nibbled on all the sandwiches, leaving Roxas with a growling stomach.

“It’s fine, I can eat around the chewed-on bits,” Roxas was picking at the slaughter-scene left behind at the dining table.

Axel gave him a horrified look as he gathered up the contents of the plate and headed away to toss the mess into the trash. “We don’t live in a third world. You don’t have to scrounge around for food. I’ll order some take-out.”

Roxas’ head almost snapped to attention at that. “Take-out? But I thought you were gonna wow me with your amazing chef skills,” he teased whilst holding his cat.

Axel put the plate in the sink and turned around. “Another time. I’m really tired, and you look like you’re gonna keel over from hunger and exhaustion. It won’t take as long as me cooking – and there won’t be any washing up to do, so let’s order something if that’s all right with you. Whaddya feel like? I have a whole list of menus.” He waved at his fridge door, which admittedly probably housed a few _too_ many take-out menus.

“With the number of menus you’ve got, I really _do_ wonder if you can _actually_ cook.” Roxas looked at the wall of paper and cardboard, with amusement twitching on his lips.

“Ha-ha. Yeah, I can. Whaddya feel like having?” Axel stuck his tongue out and began looking around the choices.

“Whatever you feel like. I’m so hungry, I’ll eat anything.”

“Pizza then? I’ve been feeling like Hawaiian for like… a week.” He gave a wink and a smile.

Roxas gave him a funny look. “Are you… trying to wink at me?”

“Uh, yeah?”

Roxas snorted but then looked upset. “I’m sorry – I shouldn’t laugh.”

Axel finally understood and began laughing too. “I must look ridiculous. I’ll remember not to wink while one of my eyes is swollen shut.”

Roxas gave him a sympathetic smile and Axel intervened before Roxas could get any more upset, “So, pizza?”

Roxas gave a strained smile.

“No? Not your thing?”

“Oh, it is, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to. I love warm pineapple on pizza. People be crazy for hatin’ it.”

Roxas seemed to brighten somewhat at that. “You’re not just saying that?”

“Why would I? I love it. So, I’ll order us that and garlic bread and a drink, okay?” Axel received a nod and with that, it was decided.

They sat on the couch whilst waiting for their food to arrive. The mood was somber as they spoke about the logistics of the next few days. Roxas needed to fill out a lot of paperwork, write his affidavit and testimonial. Reports needed to be gathered from doctors, and witnesses needed to be found to give statements.

The sheer amount of tasks that had to be accomplished all in the space of ten business days seemed big and overwhelming for Roxas, whose head sunk further and further down into his cupped hands with each item added to the list. Axel pulled him close and Roxas ended up drifting off in Axel’s arms, which he had no qualms over.

Once the food arrived he woke Roxas with a few kisses and they had dinner together whilst spread out on the couch, watching old movies about alien invasions. Axel liked it. He liked what they were doing, a lot. Snuggling down in bed together once they were too tired to continue on the couch was the icing on the very-weird-cake of a day.


	15. Make Yourself At Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Axel learns a little bit more about what it’s like to live with Roxas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content below.

Axel woke up and rolled over with a moan. He flinched – the left side of his face hurt, so he rolled the other way, snuggling the right side of his face into his pillow, trying to get more sleep. He couldn’t though. Something smelled delicious. He didn’t know _why_ something smelled delicious, but it made him sit up with a groan and he crawled out of bed.

He padded barefoot towards his living area. He winced and blinked against the blinding brightness; he really needed to get curtains one day.

_“Hi, Axel.”_

Axel yelped, and his hand went to his heart. He looked around and spotted an angel sitting on his couch. “Roxas?” Axel rubbed at his one good eye. As the sunlight streamed in through the window, it backlit and caused a definite halo effect around the vision on his couch – which was dressed in nothing but underwear and a shirt.

Axel smiled. How could he have forgotten that Roxas was living with him? “Morning, gorgeous.” Axel walked over to the smiling man, bent down, and was met with a kiss. Axel then flopped down beside Roxas, draping his arm over the man’s shoulders, and pulled him against his side. “Whatcha watchin’?” He inquired as he looked at the television which had the volume down and the subtitles on. Axel found it super sweet that Roxas had taken that precaution, so Axel wouldn’t be disturbed.

Roxas rested his head against Axel’s shoulder. “Fabulous Threads. It’s a fashion runway show. Miguel is bitching about Sienna monopolizing all the sequins.”

“Never heard of it, but it looks fun.” Axel hummed and pressed a kiss to Roxas’ head. “What’s for breakfast? Smells delicious.”

“I made waffles – but they’re cold now. I’ll reheat them and we can have breakfast.”

“Aww. Haven’t you eaten already?”

Roxas shook his head a little. “No.”

“Why not? It’s like,” Axel’s eye roved to the LCD clock display by his TV cabinet, “One twenty-five? You’re telling me you’ve been waiting for me all this time?” Axel pulled away a little to look at Roxas, who just shrugged.

“Roxas! When did you wake up?”

“Uh, six fifteen-ish. I didn’t want to wake you.”

“And I appreciate that, but you could have had breakfast on your own. You don’t have to wait for me.”

“I wanted to eat with you,” Roxas said in a rather small voice and avoided looking at Axel.

“Then you should have woken me up.”

“I’m sorry,” Roxas squeaked and stared at the floor.

“It’s okay.” Axel rubbed Roxas’ back and found this situation completely bizarre. Why wouldn’t Roxas—an uncomfortable thought hit him. “I told you to make yourself at home. You don’t have to wait for me to do stuff, y’know.”

Roxas nodded and suddenly seemed very small.

“Roxas,” Axel cupped the side of the man’s face and tried to force their eyes to meet. It wasn’t easy. Roxas kept looking down. “What’s wrong?” Axel asked quietly and as gently as possible.

“N-nothing.”

“Roxas,” his sleep-addled voice rumbled as softly as he could manage.

“Nothing, nothing.” Roxas smiled and said with more energy. He leaned up towards Axel, kissing him… and he didn’t stop kissing him.

Axel hummed, both surprised and pleased, and became doubly so when he felt Roxas move and climb on top of him, pushing him against the back of his couch. Axel grabbed hold of Roxas’ backside, running his fingers over and under the soft fabric of Roxas’ briefs. Roxas’ hands gripped Axel tightly, and their kissing intensified. Roxas’ tongue pushed in deep, and Axel was so turned on by how forceful Roxas was being that he hummed with pleasure and opened up wider, so Roxas could take him deeper.

Roxas’ tongue left Axel and he slid down Axel’s body and between his legs rather quickly. Axel missed touching Roxas’ thighs but made do with brushing at blond hair and softly stroking Roxas’ cheek as he watched the front of his boxer-briefs being pulled down. His throat felt thick with sleep and saliva. Axel croaked out, “What’re you planning on doing?”

“You.” Roxas looked up quickly and the corner of his mouth quirked before he returned his attention to Axel’s groin.

Axel watched Roxas pull him out of his clothes and his hands – which felt amazing – were fondling, rubbing, and tugging at his shaft and head. Roxas’ eyes were wide as if he was amazed at seeing Axel’s length and he licked and rubbed his lips together like he was about to swallow a tasty treat. That made Axel so giddy he actually giggled.

Blue eyes snapped up and Axel smiled down at him with all the love he could muster. Roxas kept looking at him as he opened his mouth and slowly slid Axel’s cock into himself. Axel stared – his own mouth hanging open – and then he shut it as Roxas leisurely sucked on him. The pleasure and heat that engulfed Axel’s cock was divine. It stirred the flutters in his belly, it grew the tightness in his groin, and after just two head bobs from Roxas, Axel was as hard as could be.

Despite what was happening the sleep which clung to Axel didn’t lift entirely. It intensified with the comfort and pleasure he was feeling. His good eye drifted shut while he ran his hands over Roxas’ upper back, shoulders, and up to his head, where Axel’s fingers twitched, caressed, and stroked.

He listened to the small sounds Roxas was making; hums, gasps, slurps, and sucks. Axel’s erection was in nirvana with the attention Roxas showered it. Teeth gently scraped, tongue danced, massaged, and flicked. Axel’s eye flung open and he gasped as Roxas swallowed him down even further into his throat. A long expletive turned into a deep moan as Axel felt tightness clamp all around his shaft. Roxas’ hands, which had been resting on Axel’s hips, pushed down with force, stopping Axel from bucking up into Roxas’ so-fuckable mouth. Why was Roxas so good at this?

Axel chose to ignore the discomfort sitting in the back of his mind. Waves of pleasure lapped at Axel and he was so close to drowning. His fingers tensed and gripped Roxas’ scalp tightly. His pulse raced, his penis throbbed, fizzed and, “Fuck, I needa cum!” Axel grunted, pushed his hips up and his needy, hot erection even deeper into Roxas’ mouth. The intense pleasure of the heat and friction surrounding him overcame Axel. He gave a muted shout in ecstasy as the tension inside himself snapped, and his shaft fizzed and pumped his release into Roxas’ mouth. Axel kept drawling out his sounds of pleasure with each pulse and spurt into that moist, gratifying heat.

Roxas pulled Axel’s penis out a little but kept sucking and swallowing until Axel was spent, which he was – completely – after a few more delightful pulses. Axel slumped further down the couch, feeling drained, boneless, and utterly happy.

Roxas was still gently sucking. His hair tickled Axel’s lower abdomen, his fingers lightly caressed and explored Axel’s skin. It all felt so good.

“Ah, shit – fuck, Roxy – you’re amazing,” Axel huffed with exhaustion and pried his eye open to see lovely, smiling eyes looking up at him. Roxas pulled off Axel and Axel thought it such a privilege to have had Roxas anywhere near his cock, let alone give it such loving, tender, hot-as-fuck care. All the blue-balling over the last few months had been worth it for this.

Roxas pressed kisses to Axel’s stomach and he tucked Axel back into his underwear gently. Axel groaned with want and adoration. Roxas was so cute, and caring, and amazing. He strained to raise himself a little and struggled to get his arms underneath Roxas’ armpits so he could hoist the man onto his lap, but Axel managed it.

Roxas’ legs straddled Axel’s sides and his arms wound around the back of Axel’s neck. Roxas placed kisses on Axel’s still-throbbing jugular and Axel gave Roxas a loving squeeze around the middle.

“I love you, babe,” Axel panted, his voice still airy from the climax.

Roxas’ head raised and as they peered at one another he said, “I love you too.”

Somehow that was even better than the blowjob Axel had gotten. He pulled Roxas close and kissed him. Roxas gave a startled whine but before Axel could pull back to check on him, Roxas delved into Axel’s mouth, making him smile and hum with appreciation. Axel lazily started massaging Roxas’ thighs again. He enjoyed the feel and weight of Roxas on top of him, he loved tasting himself on Roxas’ tongue, and the way Roxas was holding him, and pulling at him, made him feel so happy and wanted.

Before Axel could meander his hands to the inside of Roxas’ thighs and towards the stiff heat he could feel pressing against himself, Roxas dismounted.

“Whaddya doin’?” Axel drawled, perplexed and just managing to catch a hold of Roxas’ hand.

“Breakfast.” Roxas looked towards the kitchen and the rumble of a stomach sounded, almost as a way of making a point. Axel didn’t know if it was his or Roxas’ though.

“But… don’t you want me to—” he yawned, feeling overwhelmingly drowsy and relaxed.

Roxas’ hand slipped away but they were on Axel again in a moment, pushing and laying him down against the couch. “Just stay here. I’ll bring you breakfast.” He smiled down at Axel, who returned the expression. A kiss was deposited on his forehead and Axel closed his eye in bliss and dozed off.

* * *

 

Axel woke again to the feel of something heavy vibrating on his chest. He opened his good eye and he saw fur. A small sound drew Axel’s eye over to the right, to see Roxas standing to the side, holding two plates, and wearing a gentle smile.

“You’re done for, you know that?” Roxas said, stepping closer and smiling brighter.

“Why’s that?”

“She’s discovered you’re comfy. Better watch out.” Roxas sniggered, put the plates on the coffee table, and helped free Axel from his cute captor.

Plates were picked back up and they sat side by side. Roxas flicked through the channels while Axel dug straight into delicious waffles laden with whipped cream, thick syrup, plump berries, and crunchy bacon.

“You want to watch anything?” Roxas asked, still channel surfing.

“Nah, I don’t care. Whatever you want,” Axel said, completely enraptured with all the mouth-watering feasts Roxas had been lavishing on him. He felt like the luckiest guy on the planet.

“No, you should pick something. Whatever you like watching,” Roxas insisted, holding out the remote to Axel.

It made Axel resentfully pry his eye off the food. He didn’t get why this was seemingly turning into an issue. “It’s fine, really. I’d brave 2001: The Space Odyssey for you, so whatever you pick will be fine.”

That made Roxas chortle. “Okay,” he said quietly, still wearing a smile. “I’ll go back to watching my show then?”

Axel hummed in agreement and shoveled food into his mouth while Roxas selected his program. Once it was running, Roxas grabbed his own plate, snuggled in against Axel’s side, and ate his meal. Axel became enraptured with Roxas for a few moments, just looking over at him and smiling. Axel was on a complete high. Sex, food, sleep, snuggles, _and_ a happy Roxas. Man, life was perfect.

Roxas raised his head – the cautious look resting on his face disappeared and he smiled softly. “What?” His cheeks dusted over with slight crimson.

Axel’s heart clenched, and a wave of beautiful sickness and overwhelming joy washed over him. “I’m so in-fucking-love with you.”

Roxas’ smile grew bigger, his cheeks brightened, and he huffed out a small laugh before he dropped his head against Axel’s shoulder and nuzzled him gently for a moment. “You’re such a sap.”

“Only for you.” He kissed the top of Roxas’ head and felt like his heart was going to explode with how cute Roxas was. He had to distract himself— “So what’s happening here?” he asked, in regards to the programming.

Roxas sat up straight again, resumed eating and began explaining all the intricacies of everyone’s personal vendettas against every other contestant on the show.

* * *

 

The afternoon was whiled away hollering at the screen, which Axel was largely at fault for. He got very passionately invested in Porscha’s design dreams, which sat in direct opposition to Miguel’s objectives… and Roxas was fiercely devoted to the man…. So, needless to say, they had a lot of fun jeering at each other as they took sides.

They ended up in a wrestling match which saw them landing on the floor at some point. The grapple turned into Axel kissing Roxas, who kept laughing until he stopped laughing because of the way Axel palmed over his groin. Axel was of the mind that he needed to return what Roxas had given him earlier in the day and he was just leaving kisses on Roxas’ abdomen when his phone rang, over by the dining table.

Roxas craned his head so he could see over the top of Axel’s body and towards the direction of the sound. “You need to get that?”

“Nah.” Axel resumed dropping kisses and licks onto the warm skin below.

The ringing stopped and Axel flashed a toothy smile up at Roxas and then went back to kissing and palming at the man’s growing erection.

“Maybe… we should go to bed… get some… condoms,” Roxas said, hesitantly.

Axel sang out an, _“Oooooh!”_ He totally loved the sound of that. He sat up on his knees and held out a hand for Roxas to take so Axel could pull him upright, which he did. Roxas’ legs squeezed around Axel’s sides and Roxas licked his lips, leaned forward, and captured Axel in a delightful kiss.

It was broken, however, by a buzzing sound. Axel snapped his head around towards the door and grumbled loudly. “Just a sec,” he said to Roxas in a hushed tone before depositing a quick kiss and standing. He hated leaving his position between Roxas’ legs and resented being away from that soft mouth and deep-delving tongue. He stomped over to the door, grabbing his phone off the table as he went. He took note of several text messages and the missed call from Kairi. He continued to the intercom system which kept buzzing like a persistent fly on shit.

Picking up the receiver he snarled, “What?” without a care for who it was.

 _“Ax, let us up. We’ve brought dinner,”_ came a voice that Axel couldn’t pick instantly due to the distortion of the intercom.

“ _We_? Who’s _we_?”

“Ruth, Shiki, Kairi, Sam. All the cool guys,” the man on the other end laughed.

Axel _definitely_ recognized Paul’s laugh. “Why’re you all here?”

 _“I told them you got beat up and we all had to come around and see—I mean help you get better,”_ a voice, which belonged to Kairi, sang out.

“I’m _busy_ ,” Axel grumbled deeply, casting a look back at Roxas, who was so sexy sitting on the floor, legs spread apart, and practically begging to be fucked right now.

 _“C’mon, Axel,”_ came the whining choir.

“It’s okay. Let them come up. I don’t mind,” Roxas said, giving him a soft smile and making to get up.

“But _I_ mind,” Axel whined before he resigned himself with a sigh and turned back to the intercom to say, “Fine. This dinner better be amazing.” He buzzed them up and groaned. “Guess this means it’s pants time.”

They went into the bedroom and Axel watched, with misery, as Roxas slipped into baggy jeans. Axel picked up a random pair of jeans that lay on the floor. He couldn’t believe this was happening – well, maybe he _could_. He knew that if any of his friends ended up with a black eye he’d be first in line to stare.

“Hey, Rox,” he said over his shoulder while shoving a leg into his pants.

Roxas hummed as he pulled out a clean shirt from the wardrobe.

“Since my friends are coming up to gawk at me… and I gotta tell them _something_ … what _don’t_ you want me to tell them?”

Roxas pulled a black shirt over his head and stopped for a moment, thinking about it, and then pulling the fabric down the rest of the way, “I… don’t want them to know. Not about Vanitas… not that… he did that to you… not that—but it’s probably too late already. Me moving in here – and then you getting that black eye—” Roxas gave a resigned sigh and stared at the ground.

Axel got it. This was embarrassing and invasive. Roxas had always been relatively private and protective of his relationship with Vanitas – much to Axel’s resentment – but it wasn’t his place to expose all the shit that had gone down. “Look, I’ll send them away.” He bounced a bit as he pulled his jeans up and did the zipper and button up as well.

“No. Don’t do that. They’re here because they worry about you.”

“You give them too much credit. They just want to laugh at my poor face.” Axel crossed the floor to stand before Roxas and held his hands.

Roxas looked at their clasped hands and squeezed gently.

The lack of response made Axel continue, “It’s none of their business what happened. If anyone asks, I’ll just tell them that. And if _anyone_ makes you uncomfortable, you tell me, and I’ll deal with them.”

The worried frown on Roxas’ brow vanished, and he nodded and smiled. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

“Always.” Axel lifted their hands and kissed the back of Roxas’. “And look, as soon as you want them gone, you tell me – or wink at me – and I’ll kick ‘em all out, okay?”

Roxas laughed a little. “Okay.”

There suddenly came a loud barrage of knocks from beyond their intimate space. Axel dropped Roxas’ hands, after one final kiss. “Let’s get this over and done with.” Axel resigned himself to a night of getting lovingly mocked.

* * *

 

His friends had all stared in shock. Shiki and Sam had even poked Axel’s face a little. Axel had been acutely aware of Roxas, who had stood to the side, shrinking in on himself. Axel had been about to bellow that they should all leave the food here and get out when Kairi clapped her hands and refocused everyone on dinner. Axel appreciated that, and the evening was spent stuffing food in mouths and goofing off. There was no mention or inquiry about what had happened. Axel’s friends just congratulated them on being together and mainly asked how Roxas was managing to put up with Axel’s shit, to which he had just laughed and said that he had his ways. A wave of smooching sounds and lewd ‘Oooohs’ had been let out by the gang followed by raucous laughter.

It was a pleasant evening. From time to time, Cheshire would poke her head out of her crate – she even nibbled a bit of food out of Kairi’s hand, and no one else’s. Roxas asked everyone to give his cat space and most of the remainder of their time together was spent playing Axel’s video games by the television.

Towards the end of the evening, Axel managed to get Kairi alone in the kitchen.

“Thanks for doing the dishes,” he said. “And thanks for… well, whatever you did to not have everyone asking about the eye.”

Kairi was at the sink, yellow washing-up gloves on, and scrubbing away at some plates. “Well, I know you hate cleaning, and since we invited ourselves over it wouldn’t be right to leave you with the mess. And the eye…” she flicked him a look and winced a bit, “I didn’t want Roxas feeling uncomfortable. It’s none of our business to know what was happening in his life. I just really hope this is the last of it for you guys.”

“I hope so too. I’m pretty sure it will be. We have court next week and then we should be scot-free.” Axel picked up some of the clean plates and began drying them off with a tea-towel.

“You hardly got away with it though; look at yourself.”

“Yeah, well… I mean, from here on out we’ll be okay.”

Kairi hummed. “What’s it like living with him? Everything going fine? I know it’s only been a few days but…”

Axel set down the plate he was drying and smiled from ear to ear, which made him wince, but didn’t kill the smile. “It’s amazing, Kai-Kai. I can’t even tell you how amazing it is. I love having him here.” He thought back on the snuggles, and food, and sex. A strong pulse ran through his body.

“How’s he finding it? I know for you it must be awesome having a little housekeeper around—”

“He’s not a housekeeper,” Axel protested sharply, while still keeping his voice down enough to not be heard over the whooping coming from the living area. He picked up another plate and started drying that one.

“I guess I just assumed… your place is super clean. Last time I was over, it was a pigsty,” she observed and grinned a little.

Axel waved one of his hands. “I did some cleaning. Roxas just… tidied up the rest. Anyway, he’s not… I don’t think of him like that.”

Kairi glanced back at him and gave a softer smile. “That’s good to hear. I know you’re a good guy.”

“Then what’s with the character assassination?”

“I just worry about Roxas.”

“Worry? He’s out of the woods now. What’s there to worry about?”

“Well… he’s not had it easy… I’m sure he’s not had it easy. Being with someone who… _abused?_ —you, would leave you with scars. And I kinda worry about him jumping into another relationship too quickly—no matter who it’s with.”

Axel frowned. “What’re you saying? I shouldn’t be in a relationship with him right now?”

Kairi stopped scrubbing a plate and turned towards Axel a little. She wore a worried frown. “I… don’t know. I just think you should be careful and gentle with him and let him make the decisions.”

Axel wrinkled his nose with distaste. “I’m nothing like that piece-of-shit-ex of his.”

“I know that.” She made to reach for Axel but stopped herself as the gloves were still on and dripping with soap suds.

Axel huffed and Kairi changed the subject, “Will you be okay until your court date?”

Axel put down the plate he had been death-gripping. The thought of _anyone_ likening him to that mongrel… he huffed out sharply. “Yeah. There’s a temporary restraining order with Rox and my name on it, so we’re covered until the hearing.”

“That’s good to know.”

 _“Hey Axel,”_ came Ruth’s call, _“Sam and Roxas made a bet either-way saying that you can’t beat me at Mario Kart with your eye all mangled up.”_

“I totally can!” he yelled back and turned to Kairi. “Look, I’ll – keep what you said in mind. I want what’s best for him.”

“I know you do,” she said gently.

They shared a smile.

 _“Oh, Axel!”_ Ruth singsonged.

“Coming!” he shouted. “Thanks for today, Kai, and the dishes.” He gave her a kiss on her forehead, put the tea-towel on the bench, and walked towards the challenge.

“Time to prove my worth as Mario Kart champion – mangled eye or not. I’ll teach you to bet against me, Sam.” He took the held-out-controller and wiggled in between Ruth and Shiki on the couch.

“Roxas is the one who said you couldn’t do it,” Shiki giggled.

Axel gasped and glared at Roxas, who was sitting on the floor by the coffee table, grinning up at him.

* * *

 

Axel’s place was quiet again. His friends had left half an hour ago and Axel was lying in bed, waiting for Roxas to finish his shower and join him. This quiet in-between time was filled with staring up at his ceiling, thinking about Kairi’s words and wondering if he should be talking about that stuff with Roxas.

Axel heard the shower turn off and waited a few more minutes for doors to open and shut and for Roxas to come padding into their bedroom, which he did – completely naked. He looked a little shy with his arms folded over his chest like he was cold.

Axel sat up and leered. Even in the inky-blue of night, with curtains drawn across the window blocking out the pesky streetlights, Axel could still make out Roxas’ shape, which was small and lean. Axel wanted to kiss every inch of flesh on the other man’s body. “C’mere, babe,” he said greedily, flinging back the blanket, and revealing his own naked state to Roxas.

Roxas stopped in his tracks when he saw, and his eyes darted between Axel’s face and groin. Axel smirked, but as Roxas didn’t make any further motion towards him, worry grew in Axel’s mind. “Come here,” he said far gentler and extended a hand to Roxas.

Roxas began moving again, untucking one arm and reaching for Axel. Their hands clasped, and Axel pulled gently. Roxas slid into bed next to him. Limbs jostled and tangled, the blanket was pulled snug around them, and with heads nestled against pillows, they looked at each other.

“Everything okay?” Axel asked.

“Yeah.” A smile was given, but it looked hesitant.

“No. You can tell me. What’s wrong? Is it the naked thing?”

“No.” Roxas shook his head.

Axel could feel Roxas’ warm hands against his body, purposely running over his stomach and sides in defiance. Axel wasn’t so sure though. It bothered him that Roxas wasn’t completely comfortable. Maybe Axel had been way too eager. “You don’t have to be naked. We’ve only been living together for three days and slept together, like, twice. We can go slow.”

Roxas didn’t say anything to that, making Axel think that this was totally the issue. Roxas’ hands just kept roaming under the blanket. He looked at Axel’s chest and frowned. Axel brushed at Roxas’ slightly damp hair and waited until the man finally said, “It’s really fine. I wouldn’t do things if I didn’t want to do them.”

Axel still wasn’t so sure though. He hummed. “Maybe you want to do them but aren’t completely comfortable? I want you to be comfortable, so I’d rather you don’t do things if they make you uneasy, even if you want to do them.”

Roxas stayed quiet for a few moments longer, his movements against Axel’s body stopping. “I want to. I’m comfortable with you.” There was a slight edge to Roxas’ tone.

“If you’re sure—”

Roxas made eye contact with Axel. It was fierce and hard for a moment. “Yeah. I am. Being here with you is the best thing in my life. Being like this with you is what I want, and it’s fine. Really,” Roxas reassured, his voice far gentler now, and he bumped his hips against Axel a little.

“Okay. Just thought I should check in—speaking of – how’re you holding up? How was today for you?” Axel slid his hand over Roxas’ side and stroked, feeling the other man’s ribs as he did so.

“I had fun.” Roxas giggled.

Axel glared. “You’re still thinking ‘bout that game, aren’t you,” he accused.

Roxas rapidly blinked up at him with pure devilish innocence.

“I can’t believe you _bet against_ me!” Axel dug his fingers into Roxas’ ribs and dove in, attacking Roxas’ neck with his lips, pulling at skin and making Roxas yelp and screech with laughter.

Roxas batted against Axel’s playful assault and gave back as good as he got, mouthing Axel back on arms and shoulders. They both laughed a lot and began wrestling. But after some grappling, Roxas disappeared, slipping underneath the covers.

Axel was surprised and looked at the lump that Roxas had formed under the blanket. Kisses were falling on Axel’s abdomen. Hands ran down and caressed Axel’s hips and thighs and – Axel yelped as his sac was fondled. Was he going to get another blowjob? That thought made his penis stir.

“Roxas, come out from under there. You’re hogging all the fun. I wanna do you, c’mon.” He lightly smacked at where he thought Roxas’ back was.

Blanketed head raised and Roxas muffled from underneath, _“No. I’m gonna have my fun with you.”_ Roxas pawed at Axel and started pressing his tongue along skin in long licks.

Axel ignored the flutters in his stomach. He didn’t want to be using Roxas like this – the cooking and cleaning had been nice, but Axel really wanted to make Roxas feel good too. “No. C’mon. I’ll grab some condoms and we can get freaky.” He stretched, reaching for his bedside stand. Roxas shifted a little and Axel was able to roll over completely and find what he was looking for.

He rolled over again and—the lump under the blanket was gone. “Roxas?” Axel looked around with confusion.

 _“Wah!”_ Roxas screamed, making Axel yelp and drop his condoms and lubricant on top of the blanket.

He clutched his chest and turned all the way to his left to glare at Roxas. “What the hell!”

Roxas rolled on the bed, clutching at himself and giggling uncontrollably. He managed to get out past the laughter, “This is why I didn’t bet on you in Mario Kart.”

Axel roared and body-slammed Roxas, albeit gently. More wrestling ensued, and the grapple tackles gave way to kisses and tickles. In the end, Axel’s head was at the foot of the bed and he was gazing up at Roxas, who was straddling Axel’s waist. Both men were still huffing, laughing, and smiling at each other.

The atmosphere felt better. Roxas didn’t seem so self-conscious anymore, so Axel ventured, “You like it here with me, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I haven’t had so much fun in ages.” Roxas rubbed the palms of his hands along Axel’s chest and a deeper, happy smile flourished on Roxas’ face.

Axel captured one of the hands and kissed each fingertip in turn, afterward saying, “What’s the plan for tomorrow?”

“Oh, um… well, I…” Roxas’ eyes fell away, and he looked down at Axel’s abdomen, “need to get all that court stuff done. Kind of…” Roxas trailed idle patterns on Axel’s chest with his free hand, “should have done stuff today, but… we didn’t get out early enough. Um… maybe tomorrow.” He smiled, but the quality of it was strained and his eyes fell away again in a blink.

Axel released Roxas’ hand and propped himself up on elbows. “Oh—shit… were you waiting on me today?” That idea completely came out of left field.

“Um… I… well, yeah?” Roxas squeaked and rubbed his lips together.

Axel thought back on how his day had started today – Roxas waiting to eat with him – waiting to… _go out_ with him. His heart felt too big and his chest too tight to hold it all in. “Oh, Roxy. No.” He sat up and rubbed his hands along Roxas’ shoulders and down his arms.

Blue eyes were wide with – _Surprise_? Uncertainty? _Worry_? Axel didn’t know. Maybe Kairi had been on to something. “You don’t have to wait for me. I said you should make yourself at home and I mean it. You can do whatever you want – you can _eat_ whenever you want – you can _go out_ whenever you want. You don’t need me to… to… give you permission?” Axel felt sick with that thought. He gave Roxas a tight hug and felt it be faintly returned.

“So… I can just… leave and do what I need to do?” Roxas mumbled against Axel’s ear.

“Yeah.” He pulled them apart a little. “And look at me – I can’t really go out looking like this. Anything coming at me from my left and I’m oblivious to it – even really sexy and cute things.” He gave a sheepish smile.

Roxas gave him back a tiny little smile of amusement.

“So, you can take my keys. I’ll just stay home and heal, and you go do what you need to do. And… don’t wait for me. I can make my own breakfast. I managed twenty-six years without you. I can manage to feed myself.” He smiled at Roxas, wanting to be reassuring and gentle because – fuck – Axel hadn’t thought about the consequences of having endured Vanitas’ shit for seven years and the lasting impact that would leave on Roxas. He needed to be… _better_ for Roxas. He needed to get rid of all the shit that Roxas thought a relationship was like.

“Well, maybe I can still make you something and you just heat it up?” Roxas asked and Axel’s heart bled for how beautiful and thoughtful Roxas was.

Axel gave him another big hug. “Yeah. You can if you want to.”

Roxas returned the embrace and nuzzled into Axel’s neck. “Thank you,” he muffled, quietly.

Axel leaned into Roxas and pushed the other man down onto the mattress, and his blond head onto the pillows. “Now, let me give you a token of my appreciation.” He kissed Roxas’ lips, jaw, neck, collarbone, down his chest and along the centerline of his body. He kissed at Roxas’ navel and held his hips, sliding his fingers down and around so he could cup some of Roxas’ backside as well.

He cast a quick glance up at Roxas to see if he was okay. If Roxas cried again Axel would have to do something about it – though he didn’t know what. But for now, Roxas seemed okay. Maybe even a little eager and curious, with how wide his eyes and mouth were as he watched Axel tend to his body.

Axel snuggled down between Roxas’ legs and used one hand to touch and tease Roxas’ sensitive inner thighs, up to his sac, where he tickled him a little. Roxas squirmed but wore a smile.

“You really don’t have to,” Roxas began.

“If you don’t want me to, I won’t.” Axel looked between the face of the man he loved and the growing erection before him.

Roxas took a big inhale of breath. “I want you to.”

Axel’s lungs filled with joy, and hunger scratched at his throat. He licked his lips and used his fingers to maneuver and guide Roxas’ erection to his mouth.

“Condom?” Roxas asked suddenly, as Axel breathed against his slit, freezing his motion.

Axel was left dumbfounded by that request. Why would… they had… Roxas had gone without—Axel sat up. Had he just… should he have? If Roxas wanted it then… “Oh my God, Roxas, yeah, ‘course. I shoulda—” he felt so embarrassed and ashamed of himself. Of course, they should have been using protection – and not just today. Axel fumed at himself as he made to grab the condoms he had dropped before they had gotten all side-tracked with their wrestling match.

He secured the condom on Roxas’ still-hard erection, as well as slipping the other on his own far-more-wilted one. He shook his mind clear of worries and dumb thoughts. “Now, where were we?” He smiled at Roxas and snuggled back down between his legs.

Roxas’ bottom lip was tucked in and he looked down at Axel expectantly. Axel planted a few kisses on Roxas’ inner thigh and onto the man’s sac. He then stuck his tongue out and slowly trailed it up from the base of Roxas’ penis to the tip. Axel really enjoyed the smallest of gasps leaving Roxas’ throat. He wished he could taste Roxas. Latex wasn’t as fun as skin and semen. But this was still better than not having Roxas at all and he was damned if he didn’t show Roxas an amazing time right now.

He took Roxas in, the head of his cock pushing against the roof of Axel’s mouth and slipping down to the back of his throat. Axel sucked on Roxas’ length, he pulled back off and took him back in and sucked harder. Roxas kept gasping, moaning, mewling. It was incredibly hot listening to the other man and to feel him squirming under Axel’s touch. Axel pulled at Roxas’ hips to get him closer and pushed the erection into himself deeper.

“Ah – A – Ax – Ah—” Roxas panted and balled one of his hands into the bedsheets and the other into Axel’s hair.

Axel bobbed, sucked, hummed, and kept his good eye on Roxas and observed, not wanting a repeat of what happened the last time he did this for his boyfriend. So far, things seemed good. Roxas’ eyes were squeezed shut, his lips smacked between gasps and whines, and he seemed to be loving the attention Axel was lavishing on his erection. Axel smiled as he kept pleasuring Roxas. He loved seeing the tormented pleasure Roxas’ face contorted into.

“Ax – Ah – Ha—” Roxas tried again.

Roxas’ hand flapped beside Axel’s head, and Axel pulled off and hummed. “Yeah?” he asked, voice scratching.

“Can we – I wanna – you ‘n’ me,” Roxas huffed and rolled himself over slowly, so Axel could get out of Roxas’ way. Buttock was pushed up into the air and Roxas buried his head into the mattress.

Axel looked at the bare bottom, cheeks spread apart, exposing puckered flesh. He tried to keep the whimper of overwhelming excitement at bay, but it came out anyway. “Oh God, you wanna… already?”

“Please,” Roxas mumbled and wiggled his backside up towards Axel.

Axel felt his insides tighten. He fumbled and blindly grabbed for where he thought he had seen his lubricant drop, while he ran the palm of his other hand over Roxas’ firm, smooth backside.

He found the tube and pumped the liquid out into the palm of his hand and then spread it between his fingers. Axel took a deep breath; he was trembling from excitement. He sidled up close to Roxas’ begging-for-attention backside and pressed his index finger against Roxas’ opening. He heard the sharp inhale of air and Axel needed to take a deep breath to steady himself and not just plunge himself into Roxas that very moment. Axel composed himself and rubbed Roxas’ backside, pushing his finger slowly in, while his lusty feeling pooled in his groin as he listened to the sound of Roxas’ gasps. Axel found it hard to swallow and was frequently forgetting to breathe with how aroused he was feeling. His penis throbbed, ached, _yearned_ to be stimulated. He even felt the strong pulse in his backside and an itch began to develop there.

He grunted with his painful need and worked faster at pushing more fingers into Roxas, sweeping and gently – but urgently – stretching him wide. “You okay?” Axel asked a few times.

Roxas mewled his affirmative responses and nodded each time, but kept his face buried against pillows and sheets. Axel kept going, not needing to stretch too much since Roxas took three of his fingers easily enough. It made Axel a little uncomfortable to think on why that might be, so he tried to ignore it and focused on how sexy he found Roxas right now, especially when Axel rubbed his prostate.

Roxas pitched his backside and arched his back and the intensity of his muffled cries grew shrill. Axel wanted to give Roxas so much pleasure that it made him salivate a little. He stretched Roxas and rubbed him a little more before he said, “You ready for me?”

Roxas whimpered something that sounded like a, “Yeah,” and pushed against Axel’s fingers, making Axel hum with needy delight.

He pulled out, wiped his fingers on his thigh, and applied more lubricant to his erection. He shuffled and butted up to Roxas’ backside, pressing his erection between Roxas’ cheeks. The sight of his cock pushing against Roxas made Axel warm all over.

Roxas whined Axel’s name with desperation in his voice and Axel wanted to throw up with how much he needed Roxas to fuck him. Instead, he maneuvered the head of his penis against Roxas. “Okay, ba—be.” His eyes went wide, and he choked on his words because Roxas pushed himself backward suddenly and onto Axel’s cock. Axel recovered in a second and instinctively pushed his hips forward and himself deeper into Roxas, greedily watching the way his erection disappeared inside.

Roxas moaned, Axel groaned. He penetrated Roxas further and further until he was flush against Roxas’ rear. His fingers dug into Roxas’ hips and he took several deep breaths to try and steady himself. They stayed still for many moments and then Axel felt a tight squeeze around his penis. “Wow,” he moaned and heard and felt the laugh out of Roxas.

“C’mon,” Roxas said, smile residing in his word, and he wiggled his butt a little.

Axel gave a small chuckle and then pulled out of Roxas, and pushed back in, over, and over, and harder. Each time he increased his speed, his thrust, and tried to find the angle he needed to make Roxas weak at the knees before his own knees gave out because of the way Roxas’ ass felt so good around his cock.

Eventually, he found it; a tremble went through Roxas and a sharp cry rang out. Axel smirked and went at it harder, making himself huff and groan, while Roxas mewled and arched his back.

Axel wanted to see Roxas’ face but he also didn’t want to stop. He kept his grip on hips, threw his head back, and kept thumping into incredibly tight, delicious warmth and concentrated on his stomach hardening with desire.

Roxas’ panting increased, his mewling turned into a whine.

Was Roxas close? God almighty, Axel hoped he was. He leaned forward a little, one hand relinquishing its grip on the hip to go to Roxas’ penis. He found a hand there already, furiously pumping.

Axel chased the hand off and took over for Roxas, who moaned so loud it almost sounded like a shout. It continued, but more muffled and Axel pounded harder, pumped faster, and felt himself losing grip with where he was and what he was doing because, _fuck_ , this was amazing! An intense squeeze around his cock and a big throb in his hand brought him back to reality where he realized that he could finally let himself cum because Roxas was surely about to.

Roxas’ strangled cries of delight, his backside pushing and clamping down all around Axel was so welcoming. Axel nudged himself in and out of the-best-fucking-ecstasy, also known as Roxas, and gave in to the pressure in his cock. Release exploded and tingled. Waves of pleasure rolled out of him with every pump of semen and every throb of Roxas’ anus around him.

Axel slumped forward, on top of Roxas, finally collapsing the other man down to the mattress. Axel’s heart was in his throat and his pulse in his gut. His fingers twitched, trapped under Roxas, but not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.

Both men breathed heavily, panting, huffing, moaning, and mewling from the glorious spent-afterglow. It hadn’t been anything like Axel had ever imagined it to be like, but he wasn’t disappointed in the least bit. They stayed pressed together, Axel moving a little so Roxas could tilt his head to the side and breathe easier, and finally, Axel could bear witness to the expression on his boyfriend’s face.

Roxas looked completely spent; the smile he wore was broad and mellow, his hair was plastered to his face, his cheeks so red and flushed that Axel could even see it clearly in the darkness of their bedroom. Parted lips sucked in and expelled harsh gusts of air. To be honest, Axel probably looked the exact same way. He brushed hair out of Roxas’ eyes, pressed his forehead to Roxas’ and hummed and breathed, completely happy.

“I love you,” Roxas strained past gasps.

“I love you too.”

Small kisses were exchanged, Axel felt himself softening and sliding out of Roxas and they both hummed with disappointment when Axel had finally slipped out. They remained pressed together for a while. Axel removed their condoms a little later and then they snuggled together for blissful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am just a sucker for ending chapters with them snuggling and falling asleep together. Let me know if I'm getting stale XD
> 
> If it feels like nothing much is happening right now I think it might be because I _think_ chapters 14/15/16 were all in one super chapter but I broke them apart to make reading easier... and to not break my beta. Not that it will help much. There are some super long chapters coming up ahead which I can't split.
> 
> Anyway, hope you're enjoying the cruise of good times.


	16. Old Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas is trying to adjust to his new life without reliving the mistakes of the past.

This felt like the longest week of Roxas’ life and it still wasn’t over. At the start of it, he had been in one place and now, a mere three days later, he was somewhere completely different. It was a place filled with care, love, and trust. Axel was _beyond_ amazing. Axel was everything Roxas had dreamed he would be, which was completely overwhelming, so – after he sat pensively on the edge of the bed at six in the morning – he decided to get his day underway without waiting on Axel to wake up. 

He got up and made breakfast for himself, his cat, and Axel. He did a quick yoga routine, and then got changed, grabbed Axel’s keys – smiling at the penguin keychain that was attached – and headed out, walking everywhere because he didn’t have money for any public transportation.

Not being familiar with this part of the city didn’t help him in the slightest and he wished that Axel had come out with him, but the man – his _boyfriend_ – deserved to rest and heal up. Roxas just went the way he remembered going with Axel on the day they had gone to the police station and got his bearings from there.

The first thing on Roxas’ agenda was to try and get some sort of a statement from one of his neighbors, so he made his way to familiar streets and buildings.

When he arrived at the most familiar building of all, he hit an invisible brick wall and something vice-like grabbed hold of and twisted his insides. He wished Axel was next to him because he was scared. What if Vanitas was home?

That got Roxas moving again, right up to the front door and he boldly, and without a second thought, pushed his former home’s intercom button and waited.

He pushed it again and waited some more.

His held breath was released in a heavy sigh. Was it strange that Roxas wasn’t sure if he was relieved or saddened about the silence? Either way, Roxas didn’t want to hang around here for very long, so he buzzed some of the apartment numbers he thought might possibly know of him in a very vague sense, so he could get some sort of a statement from at least one other person.

He tried several apartments, and of those only a couple were occupied, and from those, only one let him in and was willing to have a brief chat through an ajar door.

Roxas wished he had disobeyed Vanitas and made some friends while he had been living here..

In the end, he did get a vague statement from his neighbor in regard to the noise Vanitas and Roxas had created the night of their fight. It was better than nothing.

He then wandered down the hall and stood before his old apartment door. Something inexplicably dark and sad skirted around his heart’s edge. It made him feel full and pained. He didn’t know if he was angry or sad, so he left to head out into the city and aimlessly wandered about for a good portion of the afternoon. He still had things to do – photocopy that statement he had gotten written out for him – make some phone calls to the courthouse. Not that he could do these things. He didn’t have the money or the means, so he kept wandering because he was feeling listless.

To say he felt ashamed of himself was an understatement. He was so fucking useless and pathetic. Vanitas had always looked out for him because Roxas hadn’t been able to accomplish anything and Vanitas had always known that Roxas needed him for protection and care.

His stomach growled, adding insult to injury. He had forgotten to pack lunch and had no money to buy anything. That’s how incapable he was of looking after himself. It seemed like fitting punishment to go hungry right now, amidst the fallout of all he had sown. So, he ignored the rumble and kept walking around until he found himself out in front of Vanitas’ work. It surprised him – he hadn’t meant to end up here, but since he was there, he sat down on a low wall, under the shade of some trees and stared down at his dangling legs.

There was a pounding in his chest. Roxas looked at his hands and his previously broken fingers gave off a dull ache. He didn’t know what he was doing here. If Vanitas saw him – if Vanitas got close to him – the man would get into deep trouble for breaching his restraining order – no matter if it was Roxas who came here or not. That thought gave Roxas a little bit of sick pleasure before he felt terribly ashamed of it.

He was causing so much trouble for all the most important people in his life. Vanitas was probably under so much stress from having to deal with Roxas’ shit. Roxas was stressed from dealing with his own shit. Thinking about it made him feel incredibly sick. His stomach knotted. Court – it was a terrifying idea. Roxas could hardly stand the thought of what it was going to be like seeing Vanitas again after everything Roxas had put him through. He felt so bad about the whole thing. He felt responsible – for _everything_. For not being enough, for not making Vanitas happy, for breaking his trust, for forcing Vanitas to do the things he had done so Roxas could hopefully realize his own mistakes. But then Roxas thought of his poor, sweet Axel with his black eye, and unable to work, and a whole different sick feeling saddled him.

Roxas buried his head in his hands, digging his fingernails into his hairline. He felt like a walking disaster area. All he wanted was to be happy and to make Axel happy, but he was causing so much more harm than good. He had put Axel in direct danger – _he_ had done that, no one else. Guilt swept over him. Guilt for the past and guilt for being out here right now, instead of at his boyfriend’s side. Axel needed him. Axel wanted him. Roxas knew that – even if Axel said it was okay to be out and do his own thing – Axel would be missing him right now – he would be wondering what Roxas was up to… and if he _knew_! If he _knew_ that Roxas was out there feeling sorry for his abusive ex who hurt Axel, then Axel would be disgusted and ashamed and mad. He would stop trusting Roxas and begin questioning everything Roxas ever did and everything would start all over again.

Roxas got up and left, scared and anxious to get back home before Axel would worry, or feel any lonelier. He wished he had a watch – he had no idea what the time even was.

* * *

 

Roxas had ended up alternating between jogging and sprinting all the way home like a possessed madman. When the apartment building was finally in sight Roxas got a second wind, let himself in, and took three steps up the stairwell at a time, because the elevator would be way too slow. He fumbled with the keys and gave a friendly nod to the woman who was just coming out of the apartment next to Axel’s, before having a mini freak-out because he didn’t know if he was supposed to talk to anyone.

“Everything all right?” she inquired.

Roxas cursed himself. He really shouldn’t have made eye contact. But he also hated being rude, so he nodded some more. “Just been exercising.”

“Ah. I’m Isabelle, by the way. You staying with Axel while he’s not feeling well?” She extended her hand.

Roxas took it. “Roxas. And yeah, I am.” _‘Not feeling well’_ seemed like the understatement of the week. The fact that she knew about Axel’s state calmed him a little though.

“Nice to meet you.” She smiled. He smiled. They waved at each other and she walked down the hall to the stairs. Roxas turned back to the door and was about to jam the key into the lock when the door opened.

“Hey.” Axel smiled down at him and pushed the door open wider.

Roxas felt instantly better seeing Axel not mad. “Hey,” he huffed and went inside.

“I heard talking and hoped you were back.”

Roxas took his shoes off and glanced at Axel intermittently. His heart raced with exertion and growing panic. “Yeah, um… I met your neighbor, Isabelle.”

“Ah, Izzy. She’s nice. She brings the trashcan in for me and sometimes gives me her imperfect cookies – she bakes at least once a week. I swear she makes penis-shaped ones on purpose. I don’t buy the ‘accident.’ You want one? They’re really good.”

“Uh, yeah.” God, Roxas was _starving_ and relieved to hear that Axel was on good terms with the neighbor. He hoped it meant that Axel wouldn’t mind if he talked to her.

Axel went to the dining table and Roxas followed, brushing his hair out of his sweaty face. There were about a dozen malformed cookies of variously shaped and sized deformed-looking penises. He picked one up that resembled Axel’s the most and ate it. “Mm, it’s good.”

Axel grabbed one too and munched around it. “I do tell her I love a good cock in me.” Roxas choked on his cookie while Axel continued, “Maybe that’s why she makes them,” he chuckled around his food and patted Roxas’ back. Axel, suddenly seeming to remember something, beckoned Roxas with his finger to follow him into the kitchen.

Had Axel just—Roxas kept coughing.

“You okay?” Axel patted Roxas’ back a little more as they walked to the kitchen.

Roxas cleared his throat. “Yeah. Something smells amazing.”

Axel grinned and waved at the oven with a flourish. “Dinner will be served in an hour.”

“What is it?” Roxas hunched down before the oven, peering into the dimly lit interior. Axel appeared right next to him.

“Duck a l’Orange.”

“Oooh, fancy.” Roxas grinned and wiped at the sweat sticking to his upper lip.

“It is. You’ll be so impressed.”

“I’m sure I will be.”

They both stood up again.

“Thanks for the breakfast,” Axel said. “It’s always so amazing! I feel I gotta really lift my game.”

“You’re welcome, and I look forward to eating your game-lifting meal.” Roxas continued to smile at Axel, hating the way his face looked and the reminder it brought with it, but also loving being with the man and loving the way Axel looked very pleased with Roxas’ remark.

“So, how’d today go? Why’re you so red and huffy?” Axel remarked.

Roxas’ heart still raced. He wiped at his face as if that would somehow make him look less flushed and overheated. “Sorry I’m late. I tried to get back as fast as I could.”

Axel looked confused for a moment. “Late? It’s like only five. How’re you late?”

“I…” Roxas shrugged, “just… assumed, I guess?”

“Well, you’re back before dinner, so you’re definitely not late. Did you… you look like you ran for ages. The bus stop’s not that far away.”

“I, um…” Roxas hugged himself. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable, “didn’t catch a bus.”

Axel looked even more confused. “Why? You walked everywhere?”

Roxas nodded.

“Why?” Axel said again.

Roxas felt so sick. His stomach growled again, which wasn’t helping the awkward situation. He looked at the oven and mumbled, “No money.”

Axel’s good eye went incredibly wide. “No—Of course. Fuck, I’m dumb. Oh my God, Roxas, I’m so sorry.” His hand landed on Roxas’ shoulder and squeezed. “Have you eaten anything?”

“Other than that cookie…” Roxas shook his head a tiny fraction, feeling very pathetic, “no.”

Axel gasped. “Roxas! Quick! Let me put a dick in you!” Axel pulled Roxas to the dining table and began feeding and stuffing the cookies into Roxas’ mouth.

The discomfort faded by the third cookie-penis and Roxas was in serious danger of choking to death from laughing. He waved his hands in the air, trying to communicate for Axel to stop.

Axel did and Roxas coughed and swallowed, clearing his throat. Axel went to fetch some water and when he returned, he pushed Roxas towards the couch, where he eased Roxas onto the cushion, handed him the glass and another penis cookie, before sitting down as well.

“You feeling better? Less starved?”

“Yeah. Thanks for the dicks,” Roxas chuckled.

“You’re welcome. I didn’t fill you up too much though, right? Would hate for you to have no room for the duck.”

“No. Just the right amount, thanks.” He nibbled on the cookie in hand and thought about how adorable Axel was. There was so much room to turn this into a conversation leading to before-dinner sex. Roxas really considered it for a moment but was too exhausted from his big day out so he kept quiet about it until Axel made a move.

Axel bumped against Roxas’ shoulder. “I aim to please. So, tell me what you got up to today. Did you get stuff sorted out?”

Roxas told Axel everything except for hanging out in front of Vanitas’ work and how hard the whole ordeal of going back to his former residency had been. Axel listened attentively and waited for Roxas to be done before he said, “Let me give you money for tomorrow.”

“No. It’s—”

Axel shushed Roxas with an interjection of, “No, don’t be silly. I’m here to help you.” He then got up and walked to his jacket – hanging on a coat rack by the door – and rummaged through the pockets.

Roxas was relieved but simultaneously annoyed. He had _sworn_ to himself to never let himself become financially reliant on someone else again… but he was right back at square one, relying on his man to get him through tough times. Roxas tried to tell himself it would be different this time. He wasn’t going to become reliant. He was going to build his own life… he just… couldn’t right now. Not without a little help. Maybe it would be all right. Axel was different. He was kind, caring, loved him… he wasn’t embittered with him and resentful… and if Roxas could just keep Axel happy the way he never had Vanitas… all would be right.

Axel came back with a $50 note and held it out to him.

“That’s too much.”

“It’s the smallest I’ve got. You don’t have to spend it all in one go, y’know.” Axel did what Roxas thought was possibly a wink.

That gesture made Roxas feel cut up inside. He wished he had never pushed Axel away. He should have kept him safe, at home, by opening himself up to his boyfriend.

His sadness must have shown, because Axel sat down suddenly and pulled Roxas close, murmuring into his ear, “It’s okay, babe. Please just take the money so you can have a nice time out tomorrow.”

Roxas smiled into the curve of Axel’s neck, still wracked with terrible feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. He would repay Axel. He’d repay every cent he ever took from the other man. “Thank you,” he whispered.

They pulled apart. Axel smiled, and Roxas did his best to return the feeling. He didn’t want to seem ungrateful. He leaned in, kissing Axel a little, and then a lot. They made out for quite some time until Axel had mostly undressed Roxas, but he stopped at underwear because the oven chimed.

“How ‘bout you go have a quick shower while I carve the duck and get the side salad made up,” Axel said, licking his lips and eyeing Roxas’ body beneath himself.

Roxas nodded, feeling incredibly hungry, and not just for dinner this time around. He pulled himself out from underneath Axel and received a slap on his butt as he waddled to the bathroom. While hopping into the shower Roxas thought about how he would give Axel back the money, with the sweetest interest he knew of. He looked forward to having Axel in his mouth and backside after dinner and fantasized about Axel taking cock while he washed his hair.

* * *

 

Roxas awoke because of years of waking at a certain time. He lay there for a while, enjoying Axel pressed to his back, strong arms slung around his waist, and Axel’s warm breath blowing against his bare shoulders. Last night had started with a quip about being all out of dick cookies and needing more dick in his mouth, and it had ended in the sweet building and release of tension for both of them.

Axel seemed to really enjoy making Roxas squirm with pleasure. Axel was so different from Vanitas. There was love and care in his touches and caresses. There was tenderness and adoration. It made Roxas well up with tears; it made his heart pound harder with affection. He was so glad that he seemed to be making Axel happy and wanted to continue to do so. It was the least he could do, considering everything that had happened.

Roxas eventually extricated himself from the blanket and limbs and sat on the edge of the bed thinking about his day ahead. He needed to clear his head and write a report and statement, and then photocopy everything and still make phone calls. He wished he could undo the past – have avoided all this headache. He hoped Vanitas was okay.

With a grumble, he got up, grabbed a shirt, and headed out into the living area where he cuddled Cheshire before going to the bathroom and then sorting out breakfast.

After that, he sat down with Axel’s laptop, which the man had offered up for writing the aforementioned report and statement on. Axel’s generosity knew no bounds. Roxas was shocked and felt terrible with every nice thing Axel did and said. He felt completely overwhelmed by the man half the time. He felt so inferior and undeserving. He loved Axel so much, so it really frustrated him when he thought of Vanitas in a tender and worrying way. It seemed to happen a lot. His head was filled with Vanitas as he struggled through finding the right words and getting down the events in a sequential order. He just tried to keep focusing on Axel and how Vanitas had hurt him, to harden his heart.

He managed to get everything written up before Axel ever woke up, so he went out again, armed with cash, and a packed lunch because he refused to spend any more than he absolutely needed to.

It was a rather unremarkable day. Roxas did the things he needed to do and then found himself once more loitering in front of Vanitas’ work building. He stayed there for a while, watching people coming and going. He watched the fountains and the random kids that came along and splashed in them to cool off. It was a very hot day after all.

Roxas needed to get Vanitas out of his system. He needed to see him and say goodbye, face-to-face. The more he sat with it, the more displeased he grew with having only written a letter to him. Vanitas had been right. Roxas had never made anything for him. He should have made something for him. He felt like such an ungrateful coward and was sure Vanitas would be thinking of him in those terms too.

Once he felt he had chastised and mentally flagellated himself enough, he went back to be with Axel, which made him feel a million times better.

* * *

 

Ever since Axel had Roxas living with him, he had been on cloud nine. Sure, some bad things had happened, but Roxas being with him, safe and well, made absolutely everything nasty worthwhile. Axel wore his bung-eye with pride. If he could have somehow taken a black eye for Xion… well, he thought he would gladly have suffered something far worse than a black eye to save her. That was a depressing thought – but otherwise, he felt mostly upbeat and chipper.

He loved snuggling with Roxas all night long. He was ecstatic to wake up to find something delicious in the kitchen, and then vegging out on his couch, playing video games while having a purring cat on his chest. It was like the best vacation. Axel was living the high life, and this was only the last few days. He looked forward to seeing how amazing life would be once all the legal drama was out of their lives.

But if Axel was going to be honest, despite the joys in his life, it wasn’t _all_ sunshine and happiness either. For one, Axel was _not_ used to sharing his space with someone, especially his _small_ space. Not that Roxas took up much of the space, but having another person’s presence around, where before he had always been alone, was still something for Axel to adjust to.

He had to think of someone else. He had to buy more groceries, toothpaste, toilet paper. He had to remember not to hog all the blanket, and to watch his feet in case the cat was underneath him. He had to remember that he needed to ask Roxas about what he might want to eat or do. It wasn’t like it was hard – Axel loved Roxas – it was just an adjustment.

The other thing that needed adjusting to was the court hearing looming over their heads. Axel had never been to court, so it was daunting. And he thought he noticed it weighing down on Roxas as well. The man seemed upbeat and hardly talked about anything to do with the court and his ex, except in passing, when he gave Axel a rundown on what he had been up to on his days out on the town – not that Axel expected a report, but it certainly was freely given.

Despite the outward appearance, Axel knew that Roxas was feeling the weight of it all. Axel caught sight of it in the quieter moments of their day when Roxas was around. It was often before they fell asleep – and definitely the two times when Axel had awoken in the morning to see Roxas sitting on the edge of their bed with a bowed head in his hands.

Axel had just watched Roxas for a while, not sure if he should say anything, and when Roxas had moved off the bed to get his day underway, Axel had let him go and had gone back to sleep. He was trying to give Roxas space, because as much as Axel needed his, so did Roxas, he thought.

But otherwise, things were great. Admittedly, Axel did worry a little bit about letting Roxas wander the streets, especially on the weekend. He was paranoid that Vanitas was out there, ready to pounce and kidnap Roxas. It wasn’t a serious worry, but the guy was bad enough news for Axel to not rule it completely out of the realm of possibilities. But he didn’t want to say anything. He was mindful of Roxas probably being in a delicate state where he was assessing all of Axel’s actions and comparing them to his former relationship.

Axel would be damned if he lost that competition. Especially such an _easy_ competition. Axel could win with his good eye closed. He just had to keep doing what he had been doing for months on end; treat Roxas like a decent human being.

Easy.

* * *

 

On Saturday, Axel whiled away the day by playing video games, seeing if he could do all his trickiest cocktail and bartending tricks with only one eye – the answer to which was, about 50/50 – and he also devoted time to making another amazing dinner. It was a roast this time, with fresh, seasonal vegetables. Axel absolutely _loved_ online grocery shopping and the quick delivery. It meant he didn’t have to plan too far ahead.

But the roast had taken quite some prep work and in between the lazing about and practicing his pouring and mixing techniques, he had been tending to the meal. He hoped Roxas would love it as much as he had enjoyed the last two dinners, whilst he glazed the meat.

Time ticked by without Axel’s knowledge. But by the time 6 pm came around, Axel noticed a distinct lack of Roxas. The last two days, he had come home before dinner. Axel tried not to pay it any mind.

When 7 pm came around and Roxas was still not home, Axel watched the door and then started to pace and worry. Dinner was sitting in the oven, staying warm, and scenarios raced through Axel’s head of Vanitas having abducted Roxas – and then his head was telling him that maybe Roxas had fallen prey to something else – a pyramid scheme, the occult, a used car sales rep who had trapped Roxas in the trunk of his car and was taking Roxas out to the hinterlands to murder him and use his body parts as fertilizer for his meat-eating chickens.

Sick, manic panic was rising in Axel’s chest. It was probably so dumb to worry, but dumb he was being. He was so mad at himself for not having gone out with Roxas. He was furious that he didn’t buy Roxas a phone or give him _his_ _own_ phone to use.

Axel wanted to scream, but opted for angry grunts, so as not to upset Cheshire, who was hiding away because of Axel’s maddening pacing.

Axel almost jumped out of his skin when he heard the click of his lock unlatching.

* * *

 

Roxas’ heart was in his throat as he undid the lock. It was so incredibly late, and he was sure Axel would be furious. Roxas was upset with himself for having so completely lost track of the time.

“Sorry,” he said as soon as he opened the door and pushed inside, hanging his hat up on the rack. “I got completely caught uh—” A fiercely tight squeeze surrounded him, robbing him of air. His fingers lost grip of the bags he carried, and he felt himself being hoisted off the ground.

“Where have you been? What were you doing? Don’t you know what time it is?” Axel’s voice was tense and high-strung. Limbs squeezed Roxas a fraction tighter before suddenly releasing and dropping him back to the ground. Axel grabbed at Roxas’ shoulder, spinning him around. The wild look in Axel’s eyes filled Roxas with even more panic. His heart smashed against his chest. Saliva was viscous. His body just seized up. The hands on his shoulders, digging and gripping like vices ripped into Roxas’ soul, and a flood of bad memories unleashed in his head.

Axel’s hands slid down to Roxas’ wrists, tugging sharply, and the tight hold didn’t ease up. “God, Rox! I’ve been worried sick about you! What did you do? Say something!” came the almost scream as the wild green eye darted and fingernails dug. 

Roxas squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t see it. He couldn’t let himself hear it. Vanitas taunted him in the back of his mind. The icy hands let go of Roxas and he collapsed to the ground, knees hitting the floor, sending a sharp wince through him.

“Roxas.” Axel’s now gentle voice broke through the fog.

Roxas looked up, he raised himself a little and reached his trembling hands out to hold onto Axel’s hips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered through the shock. He had to make things right. “Please,” his voice quavered. He couldn’t let Axel hate him. “I’m sorry,” he squeaked. He gripped Axel tighter. He couldn’t lose him. “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t let the past repeat itself. “I love you,” he breathed out. He struggled to get his shaky, ice-cold fingers to cooperate. He fumbled and moved them to the front of Axel’s pants, pulling down the zipper and fiddling with the button.

“Roxas, what’re you doing?”

“I need to—I want you, Axel. I’ve missed you so much all day.” He smiled up at Axel, cursing himself for not looking sexier and more confident. In fact, he must have looked as scared as he felt because there was no smile returned. Instead, Axel reached out for Roxas, hands slipping under his armpits and lifting him back to his feet.

“No. I’m sorry. Rox… I completely—I’m so sorry. Please – I won’t hurt you, please come and let’s—” Axel appeared completely flustered. Soft touches caressed Roxas, brushing at his hair, and cheeks, and running down his arms, squeezing fingers gently. “I’m so sorry. Let’s go sit down on the couch.”

Roxas was tugged over to the couch. His body trembled uncontrollably as Axel gently pushed him down. The softness after… _that_ …. Roxas’ heart hurt with the ferocity of its beating. He felt jittery and on edge. Was Axel mad? He was _so_ mad; Roxas was sure of it. Vanitas would have gone absolutely ballistic if Roxas was so much as a minute late. Axel was more in control of himself – Roxas _hated_ that. It only made his heart marathon all the more. How could he make this better? Axel would leave him because he wasn’t sexy enough in his weepy state to have a dick in his mouth.

Axel suddenly knelt down, right between Roxas’ legs, and looked up at him, with concern in his eyes. His hand reached up to Roxas’ face, making him flinch – but instead of a hard slap – a soft caress followed, and fingers swept up into his hair.

“Rox, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m sorry. Please – what’s going on?” Axel asked, vocal cords straining with something undecipherable to Roxas.

The shock of not being hit calmed Roxas a little. But he didn’t understand what was going on right now. “...” He tried again, clearing his throat, and scratchily said, “Aren’t you mad at me?”

“No.”

“But…” Roxas could still feel Axel’s strong grip on him. The discomfort remained in his body.

“I’m sorry,” Axel murmured. “I was freaking out because I was worried about you. I’m not mad though. I’m really fucking glad you’re safe and back.” Axel wound his arms around Roxas’ middle, pressing his head to Roxas’ chest, and squeezed him tight but gently as if he had really missed Roxas tremendously.

The action stole Roxas’ breath. He stared out across the room, bewildered. His vision turned a little blurry with tears. Axel _wasn’t_ mad? Axel had been _worried_? “What were you worried about me for?”

The grip around Roxas tightened a little. “I got all paranoid thinking your ex somehow got to you and dragged you away.” Axel’s voice was filled with brittle tension.

“Oh.” Terrible sadness and relief all jumbled up together, collecting in his chest and freeing itself by tumbling out of Roxas in a sob.

Axel eased his hold on Roxas, he pulled away a little to look up at him. Their eyes met, and Roxas squeezed his eyes shut, causing more tears to fall. Axel let go and scurried up, sitting next to Roxas and pulling him against himself. Roxas snuggled in against Axel, still feeling unsure, still ready to drop and suck Axel off to make him forget his worries if he had to.

Axel buried his face in Roxas’ hair, nuzzling, and then said, “I’m sorry for how I just handled myself with you. I have no excuse. It won’t happen again, so, please don’t think I’m mad, okay?” Axel pulled away a little, affording them space to look at each other, which Roxas did tentatively.

Axel wore a fragile smile, dipped in sad worry. “Can we just… start from the top? What have you been up to today?” Axel’s smile turned a little more upbeat, but the underlying panic was still as bright as daylight to Roxas.

Roxas swallowed against nearly-overwhelming nausea which was brought on by uncertainty. “Um…” A bump against his leg – such a familiar gesture – brought ultimate relief to Roxas. He looked down and picked Cheshire up, who had come over to rub herself on his leg. She was just what Roxas needed to get away from the fear, doubt, and Axel’s too-intense stare. He worried at his lip a little before he slowly began retelling all that had happened to him. “Well, early this morning I went to the flea markets by Centenary Park,” he cast a glance towards Axel. Was he really okay with them just _talking_ about this stuff? Would he get mad later? Would he believe him? It was a pretty crazy story. He continued, “and I saw this fabric that I really wanted to get for you.”

A small, adorable sound escaped out of Axel, which caused Roxas to look at him. What he saw was Axel’s features softening into a delicate smile. Butterflies stirred in Roxas’ chest. “But it was like sixty-five bucks and, well,” Roxas shrugged.

Axel tilted his head and the soft smile didn’t falter. He said, “Why didn’t you just come back and get more money or take my card?”

Roxas’ jaw clenched, and he felt himself bristle against that question. He swallowed it down, frowning hard with trying to keep it all inside. His heart was still racing. He still felt on edge. He took, what he hoped, would be a steadying breath and kept petting his cat. “I wanted to get you something that I got from my own hard work.”

“Uh, you’ve given me the jacket,” Axel pointed towards the front door, where the jacket hung on a hook. “You made me that blueprint,” he pointed to above his television. “You got me the penguin,” he nodded behind himself, to the bookcase. “You’ve given me so much and not just that physical stuff – you’ve given me so much more as well.” Axel reached for and held Roxas’ hand, squeezing him a little.

Roxas felt a blush coming on and squeezed Axel back. “You’re right, but… I…” Roxas felt sick. His insides were knotted and hard. He felt like such a fraud. He was such a loser. “None of that stuff is all one-hundred percent from me. The jacket… Van paid for everything I couldn’t cover with the money I did make from previous commissions. The print – made _on_ stuff and _with_ stuff I didn’t earn. The penguins – you paid for that. I just picked it out.” Roxas frowned. He felt so terrible about everything. “I wanted to get you something that I worked hard for, for you.”

Axel groaned a little bit. “You’re so precious,” he huffed a little and then said, “So what did you do?”

Axel seemed so genuine. Maybe he really _wasn’t_ mad? A little bit of bravery flushed through Roxas. If Axel was sincere then maybe it was okay to tell him the rest of the story. “I tried to bargain with the lady running the stall – I asked her what she would want for the whole roll of fabric. She told me how she had this feud with a lady on the other side of the market over a little statue of a Pekingese. She showed me photos of her little dog that she said looked just like that one and she wanted it but because of whatever argument she had had with that other lady, that lady refused to sell it to her. So, she told me that if I could get it for her, she’d give me the fabric and some other stuff she had that I needed. So, I went over there and talked to the other lady and – well, the dog statue was thirty bucks and I still couldn’t afford that, so I asked her what she wanted for it.” Roxas took a breath. He really didn’t understand why those two ladies had been fighting. It seemed so petty.

Roxas shook his head and continued, “She sent me down to the butcher and deli markets to get her some ingredients because she wouldn’t be able to get down there before they closed today, and she had an important dinner to prepare for. So, she gave me twenty dollars and I went down there but the things she wanted ended up costing five dollars more than what I had. It took me ages to get to the butcher and deli, so I didn’t think I had enough time to go back to the market and then back again so, um…” Roxas took a deep breath…. The heat of embarrassment caressed his cheeks and neck. “I started busking—”

“You what?” Axel half-laughed.

Roxas worried about how ridiculous this story must sound. He hoped Axel wouldn’t think he was making up stories… because it was about to get even more ridiculous. “Ah, yeah. I danced. Um…” his cheeks were definitely burning from embarrassment. But at the same time… he tried to bite down the smile and laugh that wanted to come out. “I got quite a big crowd too.” He was a _little bit_ proud of himself.

“Oh, wow. I mean, I’ve seen how you dance, so it doesn’t surprise me, but… wow.” A smile, which Roxas had always found the height of sexiness – when Axel didn’t have Vanitas’ marks of anger all over his face – spread across Axel’s lips.

It didn’t have the same effect on him right now, but it still made Roxas smile. And then he laughed, feeling better. “So, I was dancing for a while – there was some guy beatboxing on the other side of the road, so I just went with whatever tune he came up with. But… at some point, the police came to check my permit and I didn’t have one, so I grabbed my hat with a bunch of coins in it and ran and ran. I lost them but ran into a bunch of guys who had seen me dance and… this is such a weird story. You believe me, don’t you?” Roxas asked suddenly. It was becoming too ridiculous, but he needed Axel to believe him.

“Yeah. Why would you make this up?”

Roxas breathed out a sigh of relief. “I have no reason. It’s what happened but it’s… well… it’s about to get even more bizarre.”

A sweet smile crossed Axel’s face. “So, what happened with the guys?’

“They wanted me to teach them.”

“Seriously?” Axel’s voice hitched with disbelief and amusement.

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. I know. So weird. By that point, it was like late afternoon, but I felt bad. They were so young and were trying to start up a dance group, so I just ran them through some stuff and excused myself after – and, then I ran to do all the other stuff and I had some money left over from the busking, so I bought us dessert.”

Axel sat with that for a few terror-inducing moments but then Roxas’ tension snapped as Axel said, through rolling laughter, “That’s an amazing story.”

“Yeah?” Roxas still asked with disbelief but also feeling very hopeful.

“Yeah! How much did you end up making from dancing?”

Roxas let his hesitant smile grow as pride took hold of him. “Like fifteen bucks. I might have found my calling.”

Axel laughed louder. “I wouldn’t give up my day job for that kinda cash, but it’s definitely a really good haul. I dated a guy who played the guitar and he didn’t pull more than maybe twenty in two hours. How long did you dance before the police came around?”

“Ah… maybe forty-five minutes?”

Axel whistled. “I’m super impressed. You’ll have to show me your dancing.”

Roxas smiled and squeezed Axel’s hand. “You’ve seen it all before – and more.”

“But I wanna see _more_ more. How good are you on a pole?” Axel asked with a seductive rumble and leaned in.

Roxas licked his lips, his eyes trailed over Axel and he said in a low tone, “You want me to give _your_ pole a special show?”

Roxas watched the lust in Axel ignite and then extinguish as fast as it had appeared. Panic seized Roxas’ chest. “Um… everything okay?”

Axel frowned a little. His gaze darted around the floor before rising to meet Roxas. “I want to talk to you about something—But I’m not mad, okay? I don’t want you to think I’m angry, ‘cause I’m not. I just want an honest answer, okay?”

Overwhelming dread dragged his stomach down to his toes. Roxas nodded.

Axel looked nervous, wetting his lips before he slowly said, “What was that before? With the falling-to-the-floor-to-blow-me thing.”

Roxas’ gut clenched, and the instinctive response fell out, “N-nothing.”

“Roxas, please tell me.” Axel’s hand reached out towards Roxas and fingers brushed against Roxas’ thigh.

The touch made Roxas uncomfortable. Did Axel want to or not want to? It didn’t matter. Roxas knew Axel wanted a response. He didn’t know what to tell him. “I… I thought you wouldn’t be so angry if I…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

Axel stared wordlessly for a while before getting out rather hoarsely, “Why?”

“...” Roxas’ mouth shut again. He didn’t know how to respond to Axel, but he had to say something. “It’s just… what I’ve always done.” He shrugged a little and looked at his cat, rubbing her head.

“Oh, babe. Please don’t.” Axel grasped Roxas’ hand, rubbing and squeezing it.

Roxas’ heart was in his throat. “You don’t want me to?”

“No. Please don’t.” Axel frowned, and his eyes dropped to look at Roxas’ hand. “It makes me… feel dirty.” He winced.

In turn, Roxas winced too. “Oh.”

“Have you ever done this with me before?” Axel raised his eyes and tentative worry sat on knit brows.

Roxas gaped like a goldfish for a few moments, his mouth forming shapes of syllables he wanted to start saying but couldn’t. He couldn’t tell Axel. He couldn’t hurt him like that. Roxas shut his mouth and clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to say anything further, because lying to Axel was something he never wanted to do. Axel seemed to know everything already anyway, so there was no point saying it.

“Babe.” Axel’s hand raised to Roxas’ face and Roxas flinched, eyes clenching closed, but he was met with a surprisingly soft touch and stroke of his cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Roxas muttered.

“I don’t want you to do that. Please don’t do that again. It’s not sexy.” Axel kept stroking Roxas’ cheek.

“Okay. I won’t. I’m sorry,” Roxas muttered.

“It’s okay.” Axel sighed and continued to rub at Roxas.

Roxas scooched a fraction closer to Axel. He felt terrible for having been caught out as he had been. He still wanted to make it up to Axel somehow. He leaned in, slow and unsure. He wanted to kiss Axel. He loved Axel. He wanted to make him feel good. He leaned in a little closer.

“What’re you doing?” Axel asked cautiously.

“I love you,” Roxas said and connected with Axel’s lips, pressing against them, licking him a little. Roxas was desperate for some reciprocity. Any kind of sign that Axel didn’t think him completely heinous. He got the reprieve he was after – Axel began kissing him back. Tentatively at first, but then with slower, more intense purpose.

The tension in Roxas’ shoulders slipped away, and he grew more forceful in his kissing of Axel. Axel tasted so good – of savory cinnamon and maybe even some pear. Roxas smiled and stopped their kiss, smacking his lips. “Yum.”

Axel chuckled. “You wanna have dinner? It’s sitting in the oven. I was doing taste-testing from time to time.”

Roxas nodded and smiled. He suddenly felt very hungry. “Yeah. What did you make?”

“A roast. The meat’s really tender. I’ll go plate up.” Axel stood up.

“Oooh, if it tastes anything like you, then I’m in for a treat!” Roxas dropped Cheshire to the ground before he stood up as well and felt relieved over the easy way they had been able to change the subject. If this had been Vanitas Roxas wouldn’t be hearing the end of it until the next day.

Axel gave a rumbling chuckle. “Should be. You wanna show me the labors of your fantasy NPC questing journey?” he asked before he headed into the kitchen to fetch the plates and food.

“Oh yeah!” Roxas walked over to where he had dropped the bags by the door. That moment was still too fresh in his mind and body. Axel had been so strong – he was probably _a lot_ stronger than Vanitas – he pushed that uncomfortable thought away and instead rifled through his acquired stuff. He found the pale blue fabric and pulled it out.

“Are those penguins?” Axel asked, sounding excited. He walked up to Roxas to take a closer look.

“Yeah. You like it?” Roxas asked, feeling nervous. He hoped all this drama and effort had been worth it. If Axel liked it, everything would be worthwhile.

“Yeah! What’re you gonna make with it?” Axel fingered the fabric, looking at the adorable assortment of Emperor, Little, and Macaroni penguins that dotted the cloth all over.

“Oh, yeah, curtains.” Roxas pointed at Axel’s window. “I got some darker material for the backing, so we can have blackout curtains. And I got a curtain rod and some thread and… oh, here’s the milk pudding.” Roxas dug around and handed two cups over to Axel, which he took with thanks.

“You’re gonna make me curtains?” Axel’s eye widened, and he looked quite stunned.

“Y-yeah… is that okay?”

“Oh my God. Of course it is! I’ve been needing curtains for that window for five years now.” Axel caught Roxas up in his arms and gave him a big squeeze around the middle. “I love you,” he breathed into Roxas’ ear and then pulled away. “I’ll go put the puddings in the fridge. Go wash up or help me with setting up the table? Up to you. I’ll cut up the roast.”

Roxas couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. He nodded. They shared a quick kiss and Roxas felt relieved over the positive reception. He really needed to shake his paranoia. He needed to stop feeling like he was still living with Vanitas. Axel was different. Things would be better – if he could just snap out of it.


	17. The Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are things that can rupture and break relationships if they aren’t dealt with in due time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
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> Explicit content below.

Sunday dawned, and it was weird and quiet. Axel wasn’t sure if it was Roxas, himself, or both of them who were acting strangely. He thought he saw an unease and nervousness in Roxas. But maybe he was imagining it. He himself couldn’t shake the thoughts from last night, and that in turn was growing its own unease inside of Axel and clouding everything he saw. He wished he could talk to Kairi about this, but he had no privacy in his small apartment space and it didn’t look like Roxas was heading out, which was both a positive and a negative. Axel had missed Roxas during the week, but now he also felt too awkward to relish their time together.

“You can go out, you know,” Axel had tried because he was worried that Roxas was still waiting for his permission to do things, especially after he had lost it last night. He had made such a spectacular mess of things and felt deeply ashamed and uncomfortable.

But Roxas had just shaken his head. “No, I don’t have anything that needs doing. Besides, I want to get started on the curtain. But… if you want me to—”

“Oh no, no. You can stay in. It’s fine. I like having you around.” Axel tried to soothe the nervous uncertainty he had detected in Roxas’ voice.

Roxas had nodded and hummed.

The stilted discomfort continued, though Axel thought Roxas was masking it quite well over breakfast. They talked about predictable, bland things, and both of them avoiding making mentions of the previous day. After that, Roxas quietly went to work on making the curtains for Axel’s bare window, whilst Axel got back to continuing his video games.

If yesterday had never happened, then this would have been very pleasant for Axel. He cast a glance over at Roxas, who had made space on the dining table to do his measuring and hand sewing. Axel had asked if Roxas needed a sewing machine, but Roxas had been very adamant that he didn’t and that he thoroughly enjoyed working on this by hand. Axel let the subject drop and returned to his game, though still taking time out between deaths to watch Roxas working away peacefully. It made Axel forget the uncomfortable realization that Roxas had been living with someone very repugnant for too many years and that he probably had to adapt to dealing with that person. But his selective amnesia didn’t last for too long.

By the time afternoon settled in, Roxas was on the couch with Axel. They were spooning, Roxas’ back pressed up against Axel’s chest, and Axel with his arms draped over the man before himself. They were watching more of Fabulous Threads because Axel was now hooked on it, but he wasn’t paying too much attention at that moment. Instead, he mulled over his regrettable reaction to Roxas’ homecoming on the day before, for the tenth time now.

He must have sounded too rough, too panicked, and had held onto Roxas a little bit too tightly. Axel’s fingers flexed against Roxas’ stomach, before curling up and rubbing gentle patterns into soft flesh. He had been so scared – so relieved. He let out a small sigh. He truly regretted it. He never got like that. He had just been too worked up about the past and too freaked out about the unknown. It wasn’t an excuse. Axel told himself that. He knew he had to be better and calmer in the future.

He couldn’t undo what he had done, so instead, he focused on the positive that had come from his overreaction, because it had revealed the uncomfortable coping mechanism that Roxas had developed. Axel could see it for what it was. He didn’t even need Kairi to tell him that. Though he still wished he could speak with her. He cursed his small apartment once more.

But on the bright side, it was also cozy. A sense of normalcy crept over Axel. He could smile into the back of Roxas’ head, enjoy the other man’s clean and fresh scent, and find comfort in the warm body flush against his own.

Before too long, Roxas turned around, smiling up at Axel and leaving soft pecks on his collarbone and chest. The normally lust-inducing close contact, however, made Axel tense up. He refocused Roxas back onto the TV program. His own mind, however, lost all focus. He manically dissected every single one of his actions over that morning and early afternoon, assessing and re-assessing whether or not any of that might have made Roxas act like this right now.

He didn’t think so, but doubt remained.

* * *

 

They eventually settled down for the night. It was pretty quiet, like the rest of the day had been. The uncomfortable thoughts in Axel’s mind were still there, running amok. Just as he had done all day, Axel tried to pay them no heed.

“How was your day?” Axel asked as he pulled the blanket aside and Roxas snuggled in against him, smelling of the lavender shower gel that was in the bathroom.

“Good, yeah.” Roxas nuzzled his nose into Axel’s shoulder. “Sorry that I got so stuck into the curtain,” Roxas murmured.

Axel squeezed Roxas a little and rubbed his hand along Roxas’ flank, loving the texture of his silky-smooth skin. “Don’t be sorry. It’s gonna look _amazing_ when it’s done, and I’ll finally stop getting blinded by that stupid street light that shines in at just the worst angle when I come out of the bathroom.”

Roxas laughed quietly. “Yeah. I don’t get why that’s so bright.”

“Right?” Axel exhaled with vindication. “I’m not imagining it. That one’s brighter than all the rest.”

“Yeah.” Roxas hummed with a low chuckle.

Axel’s fingers still stroked, feeling starved of intimacy. He aimed to get his fill right now though and kept roaming over the soft, silken skin of Roxas’ sides and abdomen. Roxas shifted, giving Axel better access. Small gasps escaped Roxas’ throat and Axel pressed small kisses to the craned neck, traveling up to Roxas’ jaw and nipping the delicate skin behind his ear. Roxas’ pants and hums grew in strength. Axel loved that sound so close to his ear. He loved the humid breaths puffing against his own neck.

Heated panting grew and reverberated around their dark bedroom as the kissing Axel had been denying the both of them was unleashed. There was a hunger and urgent need to Roxas’ open-mouthed kisses, which sucked and nipped at Axel’s flesh, leaving bruises in their wake.

Roxas’ hands gripped Axel’s hips, which he only realized once Roxas abandoned lavishing hard sucks against his neck for dropping quick pecks down Axel’s body. Axel’s legs were forcibly spread as Roxas snuggled down between them.

Axel’s chest inflated as he watched Roxas down there, fondling, kissing and licking his way up Axel’s shaft. His mind reeled and his body awakened with the desire he had been keeping cool with unsavory thoughts throughout the day. Axel indulged in all of Roxas’ minute movements. Blunted fingernails scraping, knuckles caressing, hairs brushing, exhales tickling, and the heat… that wet heat kissing him—

Axel’s pulse raced, and his eyes rolled back into his head as Roxas swirled his tongue around the ridge of Axel’s head and over his slit. Hot, moist breath against his firming erection made Axel want to buck his hips and push into the delighting pleasure that Roxas’ mouth promised. He let encouraging sounds spill out of his mouth and touched Roxas anywhere he could reach.

Roxas diverted his hands from stroking the base of Axel’s cock to kneading his thighs. Axel grabbed hold of Roxas’ hands, squeezing and thumbing over knuckles to convey his pleasure. Not that he needed to since his loud moans and the hardening of his length would be enough to key Roxas into knowing what effect his magic tongue was having on him. Warmth and pressure surrounded him as Roxas took all of Axel in. An ungraceful sound left Axel’s throat as his gut clenched. Heady delight made him dizzy. He tilted his head back against the pillows to free his throat up so louder and longer moans could escape while Roxas deep-throated him at a quickening pace.

 _Fuck_ , Roxas was great with his mouth.

One of Roxas’ hands left Axel’s and traveled up his bare chest, tracing the contours of his body. Axel rested his free hand in Roxas’ hair, enjoying the bobbing motion and scratching at the man’s scalp whenever Roxas slowed down a bit.

“Fuck. Ah – more, babe, _more_!” Axel urged on, with a low rumble. He wanted to spill into Roxas’ mouth, kiss the man longingly, and taste himself on those lips. The throb in his penis increased. Roxas switched between sucking shallow-but-hard and deep-throating like a goddamn pro. Axel had been treated to this heady pleasure before, but it still amazed him. Why was Roxas _so good_ with his mouth?

An uncomfortable memory of Vanitas saying something about that accosted him. Axel tried to fight it, but it was too late. Vanitas’ words, coupled with the discomfort of the previous night, completely doused his flaming need and sparked a fire full of irritation and silently building fury. “Rox, stop. Stop. Please.” His trembling hands pushed slightly against Roxas’ shoulders.

Pressure, heat, and suction ceased. Roxas looked up, his mouth rimmed red. “It’s not good?” his voice cracked with worry.

Those wide, fearful eyes took Axel instantly back to last night and felt like a shard of ice piercing through his chest. Vanitas had done this – had made Roxas so fearful. Axel’s rage bubbled, but those eyes just kept dousing him. “No. No, I’m so sorry, Rox. It’s not that. It’s _really good_.” Axel scrambled up to a sitting position and he took big, calming breaths to get his still heavy-with-desire huffing under control and to stop the ferocious heartbeat from slamming so hard against his chest.

“Then what?” Roxas sat up as well, index finger gently scratching at Axel’s thigh.

“I—” He couldn’t tell Roxas the truth… not the complete truth. Axel didn’t know how Roxas felt about the bastard. He never wanted to bring that vile man up ever again. “Your mouth is just so fucking amazing—” Axel leaned in, getting his face right up close to Roxas’ and wrapped his hand around the back of Roxas’ head, pulling him into a kiss. Roxas’ chin lifted, his lips parted, and Axel pushed in. Feeling Roxas suck on his tongue made Axel whimper into his mouth. He wanted his cock enveloped by Roxas’ mouth so badly. He wanted this feeling of sucking, licking, swallowing, up against the most intimate parts of himself. He felt dumb for having ended it before he came, but… the doubts were too vast. Right now, it all felt too wrong. Maybe a few days distance would make things right again? Axel hoped it would. He needed them to be right again because the relentless thoughts that had been accosting him all day weren’t how Axel wanted things to be.

Axel pulled away from the kiss, but adorably enough Roxas chased his lips, getting a suck and nip in before Axel sat upright again.

“Let me make you cum.” Roxas’ hands were back on Axel’s thighs, kneading delicately. Roxas licked his lips and stared up at Axel expectantly.

A thick lump of disgust clogged up the back of Axel’s throat and smothered the needy moan that would have otherwise erupted from him. “No.”

“Why?” Lips pressed together and were sucked on, worriedly.

Axel exhaled and wrinkled his brow with discomfort. “My… head’s full of shit.”

“Full of shit?” Roxas tilted his head to the side.

“Yeah.” He tried for a brief response, hoping he could just leave it at that.

Roxas, however, didn’t let up. “Like?”

“Like—” Axel reached out, anchoring hands under Roxas’ armpits and pulled him onto his lap. He pawed at Roxas’ bare ass and really liked the warm thighs and coarse hair up against his skin. “I’m still thinking of you doing this to repay me. I don’t want you to use your body. You’re not doing that, are you?”

Heartbreakingly enough, Roxas’ eyes sunk down before he quietly said, “I’m horny for you.”

“Oh, babe.” The lack of denial hurt. Axel squeezed Roxas tightly and they shared a long hug. Roxas nuzzled into the bow of Axel’s neck and shoulder. “I’m happy that you’re horny for me, but I need you to not be trying to repay me or make up for stuff with your body. It just makes me feel dirty and like I’m using you.”

“I’m letting you use me. I _want_ you to use me,” Roxas muffled against Axel’s body.

Like a jolt of lightning, those words traveled straight through Axel’s core. He couldn’t fight the arousal, but he felt ashamed over it. He didn’t want to have this conversation tonight. He was tired, he wanted to put this behind him. Axel just sighed. “Don’t tell me that.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t want to hear it. Not unless we’re already in the middle of sex and you’re talking dirty to me.”

Roxas huffed with a tiny laugh and Axel gave a silent laugh in response, which dislodged some of the discomfort inside himself.

“I’m sorry,” Roxas breathed out.

“No, it’s all right. I think we’re both overthinking things too much.” Axel groped around for Roxas’ hand and on finding it, interlaced their fingers. “Let’s go out tomorrow.”

Roxas looked up at Axel from where his gaze had been held by their fond hand holding. “You sure?”

“Yeah, my eye’s getting better. I can see again, and it doesn’t even hurt so I can put makeup on, but – well, maybe we can go somewhere dark, hmm?” Axel smiled at the silhouette of Roxas, but his mellow mirth fell away when he heard the telltale sad, _“Oh,”_ from Roxas. He could just make out the wince. “Don’t be so glum. I’m healing. It’s fine,” Axel tried to reassure.

Roxas’ hand squeezed Axel’s, and his other hand went up to Axel’s face, cupping his right side. “I’m so sorry.”

The quiet words dragged Axel down towards the other man where he pressed his lips over Roxas’. They shared a firm and reassuring kiss. “Don’t be,” he mumbled against Roxas’ lips, depositing another warm kiss before pushing their foreheads together. “Let’s just get some sleep. We’ll have a good day tomorrow and everything will be fine.” Axel pulled back, brushed at the strands of Roxas’ hair, exposing his forehead and kissing him there gently.

Roxas gave a small nod and then they both lay down. Axel kept Roxas on top of himself, pulling the blanket up so it covered them both. Roxas’ ear was pressed to Axel’s chest and Axel kept his arms around Roxas’ back long after they had both drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 

Monday came and went. Axel felt hypervigilant where Roxas’ mood was concerned. He observed his boyfriend being full of energy in the morning, and then by the evening, there was nothing left in Roxas’ tank.

Maybe it was that they were out and about. Axel had taken Roxas to small arts and crafts shops and markets where they had looked at all kinds of things. Roxas seemed to really like some of the products – like novelty mugs, some small detailed wooden jewelry boxes, and various fabrics. But when Axel offered to buy him any of the items, he said no. They then went and watched a movie and ate out. Roxas seemed more and more sullen with each activity. It sort of exhausted Axel as well and he was glad to be back home, slumped against his couch with Roxas’ head in his lap, watching banal programming.

They shared a few kisses, but Axel still felt uncomfortable taking things any further, especially with both their moods being so low. Axel hoped that tomorrow would bring more cheer.

But tomorrow arrived and it was more of the same as the previous day.

They went out window shopping. Axel contemplated getting a new couch so he and Roxas flopped around on many different ones, but when Axel asked Roxas which one he should buy, the other man’s mood turned gloomy. After that turning point, it felt like squeezing water from a rock would probably have been easier than getting some fun out of Roxas, so they went home again.

“Do you want me to run you a bath, or get you some dessert?” Axel asked as they cast their shoes off.

Roxas shook his head, picked up his cat and went over to the couch, where he stayed for the better part of what was left of the day. Axel kept asking from time to time if Roxas needed anything more – if there was anything he could do for him. The answer was, “No, nothing, just come here and let me cuddle you,” which was definitely _something_.

“I’m sorry for being miserable and no fun,” Roxas mumbled while Axel stroked his hair.

“What’s wrong?”

Eyes meandered for an incredibly long time before Roxas said, “I just… feel so sick and nervous about Thursday.”

Axel kept stroking Roxas, sympathetically. “Yeah, I get it. I’m nervous about that too.”

“You are?” Roxas’ attention snapped back to Axel. Big eyes stared up in wonder.

“Yeah. If you’re worried about it, I’m worried too. It’s kind of scary and I don’t know what to expect or how it will go.”

“Yeah,” Roxas said quietly.

“But we’ll get through it together, okay?”

Roxas nodded, but still looked discouraged.

Axel bent down and gave Roxas a small kiss on the lips. “You got everything sorted for the court hearing?”

“Yeah.” Roxas frowned.

Axel stroked Roxas’ cheek fondly. “Good. So, I’m sure there’s nothing to really worry about then.” He tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible. Roxas didn’t look any lighter for it though. “You wanna do anything special tomorrow? I can take you out and we distract ourselves together. Whatever you wanna do, and wherever you might want to go I’ll take you.” Axel continued to try and dish out some cheer.

Roxas’ eyes fell on the left side of Axel’s face in an unspoken comment.

“Don’t worry about this. I can see again, and I’ve been fine being out the last two days.”

Roxas hummed and then laboriously – like he was lugging up heavy rocks – said, “What do you want to do?”

Axel exhaled with some sharpness. He didn’t know and was digging deep to find something. Up until now, Roxas had been very devoid of ideas regarding activities to do, so Axel had taken charge, but he was also running out of activities to do, especially if Roxas was so morose. “Oh – how about we go clubbing? How’s that sound?” It actually sounded like a really good idea to Axel.

Roxas face actually lit up as well. “Ah – I… would actually really love to go clubbing with you.”

Axel grinned. “Yeah? Awesome. So, let’s go out tomorrow, do walking around the parks or something, and then come home, have a nap, eat and then party.”

“Yeah!” Roxas beamed.

With a kiss it was settled, and Roxas seemed far happier for the rest of the evening.

* * *

 

The next morning dawned and Axel got up earlier than he normally would have. It was all made right with Roxas’ kiss against his skin, coaxing him up, in more ways than one.

They went out for breakfast. Roxas ordered the cheapest thing on the menu so Axel ordered a double portion of his own meal and looked to Roxas for some help halfway through. Roxas had laughed and rolled his eyes but also helped.

After that, they wandered around, visiting the Natural History Museum, and Axel made sure to leave a wide berth around the place Roxas’ ex worked, because today was about forgetting all that mess.

After the museum, they decided on a picnic at Centenary Park, so Axel bought some sandwiches, cold cuts of meat, and some cookies, to satiate Roxas’ sweet tooth. It was beautiful weather for a picnic. The sun shone and nary a cloud was in the sky. It was hot outside, but a gentle breeze blew, and the tall trees promised sanctuary from the relentless heat of the sun. Centenary Park was massive, well maintained, and hosted an array of activities for young and older kids. A group of young adults played a game of chess using the giant chess board, families stood in line for a chance to use the human-sized hamster wheel, children romped around on the playground, which held a  slide, and fountains spurted high into the sky at a waterpark somewhere in the distance.

The weather lent itself to it, so Axel and Roxas took advantage of the water fun. They pushed each other into the spray of the various fountains and had a dare regarding who could stand under the giant water bucket the longest before it tipped over and got one of them wet. Axel had been the loser in that contest, having tarried too long and thus gotten the whole contents dumped on him. Roxas had laughed until he cried, and Axel had given him the wettest hug and sloppiest kisses.

Afterward, they raced up the massive slide and timed one another to see who could slide down the fastest. They made the hamster wheel spin like crazy, with Axel spreading his limbs and holding himself so he went around with the wheel, much to Roxas’ envious amusement.

The day was a lot of fun. Roxas’ laugh rang through the air and echoed in Axel’s ears, filling him to the brim with happiness. He had never cared for someone else’s happiness the way he cared for Roxas’. It was a weird thing to accept, but a very natural thing all the same.

Because of the wind and heat, Axel dried off relatively quickly, though his hair drooped, and his butt had an uncomfortable wet-patch, so he lay on his stomach once they found a good spot for their picnic. They lay on the grass, with their food spread out, which they consumed over the course of two hours. They laughed, and talked, and nibbled. It was a much more pleasant atmosphere.

Eventually, they were staring up at the sky, watching the cloud formations shift and change whilst holding hands. The dappled light filtering through the trees was lovely too. Axel wondered if he had ever felt so at peace with the world and himself. Roxas next to him like this did something to Axel. He couldn’t put his finger on it. But he thought that this was the kind of shit he wanted to live for.

“What do you think you’ll do once all this is over?” Axel asked, squeezing Roxas’ hand affectionately.

“I’m going to pursue my dream of becoming a street performer.” Roxas sounded so wistful—it made Axel laugh. “Hey! Don’t laugh at my dreams.” Roxas tried at a fierce glare but failed to get it off the ground.

“If that’s really your dream I’ll support you in it.”

“Thanks, babe!” Roxas lifted their hands and brought Axel’s knuckles to his mouth, where he kissed at them. Hands were still propped up between them and they looked at their entangled fingers. A soft smile lit Roxas’ face.

“What’re you thinking about?” Axel asked, loving the gentle light through the trees dancing over Roxas’ face and how it made his gorgeous cerulean eyes sparkle.

“This is so much like before… but so completely different now too.” Roxas squeezed their hands a little.

Axel remembered hesitant embraces, rooftop loungings, and lingering touches. “This is what it should have been like from the beginning—” Axel rolled over onto his side to face Roxas. Roxas’ head turned towards Axel. “You ‘n’ me, together, having a good time, caring for each other.”

Roxas hummed and stared back up at the sky for a while. “I can barely believe how different my life is,” he said slowly.

“That’s good though, right?”

Roxas nodded and looked back at Axel with a soft expression.

“So, for real, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t really know… but I want a job. Earning money felt really good.”

“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? You’ll feel awesome when you start working again.”

“Again?” Roxas suddenly frowned, and it only grew deeper with the passing seconds. “I… do you think anyone would even take me? I… I haven’t worked a day in my life.”

Axel opened his mouth to say something to that, but he didn’t know what. He shut his mouth again and pondered. “I’m sure you’ve done stuff that can be applied to all kinds of jobs. You worked at the animal shelters, right?”

Roxas nodded.

“You’ve been running your own business—” Roxas seemed to want to protest but Axel continued on, “you’ve been making clothes, and getting items out to customers. That’s time management, baby.”

Roxas huffed with a small laugh and gave Axel a wonky smile.

That made Axel feel more energetic. “I’m pretty good at bullshitting so we can sit down and figure out creative ways of matching your skills to any job prerequisites when you find stuff you might want to apply for. So, don’t feel like you can’t apply for things just because you don’t have any actual experience in that particular job. Just dream really big, okay?”

Roxas hummed. Bliss still lighting his face. “Okay.”

Axel could drown in that smile, but he snapped out of it. “Oh, and you should get yourself set up with an email address and… you’re probably gonna need a phone. Prospective employers like to have reachable employees,” Axel winked playfully and leaned over to deposit a cheerful kiss on Roxas’ nose.

Roxas chuckled quietly but otherwise stayed silent on the matter. Axel remained on his side, looking at Roxas’ profile for some time. Blue eyes just continued their upward stare until his smile faltered.

Silence reigned between them while the birds chirped in the trees and the shrill shrieks of children drifted through the air.

“I know you don’t have any money, but I can spot you some, so you can get a decent phone,” Axel said gently.

“No, you don’t have to,” Roxas said in a hushed tone.

“What’re you gonna do then?”

“I’m sure email’s fine.” Roxas kept looking at the clouds as they slowly passed above.

“I don’t think you understand how useful a phone can be. If you had one, I could have messaged you the other day and not been so worried about you. Just let me buy you one.”

“No!” Roxas sat up and his hand left Axel’s.

The motion and tone of voice startled Axel. “Why not?” He sat up as well.

Roxas remained silent and glowered at the ants walking over the rubbish bag by their feet.

“Roxas,” Axel said gently.

Time passed. The park and city were positively alive with sounds of life as distant conversations and the _vroom_ of cars ebbed and flowed.

A sigh seeped out of Roxas eventually. “I can’t do this again. I can’t get myself into the same situation I did with Vanitas. He tracked me through my phone for fuck’s sake.” Roxas buried his face in his hands.

That remark jolted Axel’s memory. Hearing about the surveillance situation at the police station had truly shocked and disgusted him. He could understand Roxas’ aversion to phones. It was still a little hurtful though. He shuffled a little closer to Roxas and tried to keep the offense out of his voice, “You don’t trust me?”

“I’ve known you for less time than I did Vanitas before we started dating,” Roxas muffled into his knees, which he had drawn up to his chin.

Axel’s chest felt too tight and he frowned. “Ouch.”

Roxas’ head lifted, and he suddenly looked at Axel with panic. “That’s – no! —I didn’t mean it like _that_.”

“I think you did.” Axel tried to dislodge the insult he was feeling. This wasn’t Roxas’ fault and Axel wasn’t going to get mad at him for it.

“No. No.” Roxas leaned towards Axel, putting his hand on his.

Axel laughed a little, which actually made him feel a bit better. He clasped Roxas’ hand and stroked the man’s soft cheek with his other hand. “Relax. I get it.”

A sullen look came over Roxas. He chewed his lip and muttered, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel bad.”

Axel rubbed Roxas’ rigid back. “I know that. It’s okay. I’m not mad. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure once tomorrow is over, you’ll feel a lot better.” Axel hoped for it and let the clearly uncomfortable topic drop. “So, you up for some ice cream?”

That perked Roxas right up. They went and got their cold treats, spending the journey home talking about music related things and playing with each other’s fingers while they held hands. Roxas still seemed off though, and Axel cursed himself for probably having been responsible for the mood dipping.

* * *

 

Once they got back to Axel’s apartment building, Axel checked the mail before they headed up. There were letters for both of them, looking to be from the justice department. They tore into their respective letters and as Axel’s eyes skimmed the text, he felt his heart sink. Glancing at Roxas, Axel could see that Roxas had received the news even more poorly. Roxas’ face was downturned, and his jaw clenched. A low grumble emanated from Roxas. It didn’t stop there though. It grew and grew until he gave an explosive shout and slammed his fist into the side of the mail receptacle, sending a metallic _thunk_ around the lobby.

Roxas withdrew his hand, opening and closing his fist repeatedly, looking pained. “Fuck him!” Roxas threw down the letter – which had been sent to announce the deferment of the court hearing for another week – and stomped up the stairs.

Axel gave the row of metal mailboxes a look, clearly able to see where Roxas had indented it. He picked up the discarded letter and followed Roxas up.

“Hey, it’s not so bad, is it? I mean, it would be good to get this out of the way but… not like it’s the end of the world, right?”

“I don’t know how he did it but it’s such a Vanitas thing to do,” Roxas snapped.

“It’ll be okay. At least you’ve got everything ready now, so the next couple of days can be all about relaxation, yeah? We can go somewhere if you want. Like a mini vacay.” Axel smiled enthusiastically at Roxas as they reached the landing and headed towards the apartment. He actually really liked the sound of that plan, since he hadn’t been on a vacation in a long time.

Roxas didn’t reply with words, but the look of distaste said it all.

“All right, all right. We’ll talk about it another day.” Axel backed off and opened the door. Once they passed over the apartment’s threshold, Roxas withdrew to the corner where Cheshire’s belongings were, and stayed there for most of the late afternoon and evening, until Axel served dinner.

He had hoped that food would raise Roxas’ spirits, but it seemed to have no effect. When Axel asked if Roxas still wanted to go clubbing, he was met with such a lifeless stare that he let it drop. This somehow felt like the first few nights of Roxas’ residency with Axel. All the easy going fun had leached out of him again, and all that was left was a sack of misery.

Axel hoped and prayed that Roxas’ mood would improve after a night filled with snuggles. He tried to soothe whatever might be ailing Roxas by placing gentle kisses over bare skin and rubbing at blond locks, but it didn’t help. Roxas wasn’t as snuggly that night. Any continued inquiry into Roxas’ wellbeing was met with an, ‘I’m just tired,’ and, ‘I’m fine.’ Axel was left feeling disgruntled and fell asleep with Roxas in his arms.

* * *

 

Roxas woke up from a weary dream filled with Vanitas laughing at him, touching him, smiling at him, kissing him, kicking him to the curb. Cheeks felt caked with dried tears and fresh ones sprang up from the bottomless well of Roxas’ misery. He removed himself from the bedroom to let Axel sleep.

He went and got a glass of water and sat with Cheshire on the couch, rummaging through his old photographs and memorabilia he still kept in the plastic bag, but now hidden amongst the box with Cheshire’s things, instead of the pockets of one of his vests.

Photographs of his life with Vanitas squeezed more tears out of him. Stirring stick, napkin, the photograph of him with Axel – sticky-taped together – brought up hurt and guilt. He was such a bad person. He had ruined Vanitas’ life, and Axel’s too. Roxas was an awful boyfriend. If he couldn’t snap himself out of this funk, he would lose Axel too. All the blowjobs and letting Axel fuck him wouldn’t hold them together if Roxas couldn’t put a lid on his misery. And Axel already felt it too. Their happiness was coming undone right before Roxas’ eyes but he didn’t know what to do about it.

Ever since Axel had caught on to what Roxas had been doing, there was a distance between them. Axel didn’t want him. Roxas was _disgusting_. Axel was just humoring Roxas by helping him through this court stuff and then… and then…

Only his cat would love him. Only she would stay with him, and as terrible as Roxas was… compared to all the suffering she must have endured as a kitten, Roxas must be a saint of an owner, and that brought some comfort to his soul. As long as he looked after her, she would love him.

He murmured to her, “Do you miss him, baby? Do you miss the way he used to scratch you? The way he called your name and would shake your kibble box? You could always tell the difference between me and him,” he laughed and sobbed all at once. “Do you ever wonder if he’s thinking about you? Do you ever hope—” Roxas squeaked. Fat, hot tears dripped and Roxas bit his lip, hugging Cheshire tighter and curled in on himself and her. “I’m such an idiot,” he howled quietly into her fur and the cushion.

* * *

 

Axel awoke for some reason. The room was dark. Exhaustion still clung to him, making his limbs heavy. Instinctively, he rolled over, arm reaching out for the comfort of a warm body next to himself—his palm hit nothing but lukewarm sheets. That roused him better than iced coffee being poured over his head.

He sat bolt upright and got out of bed, padding out into the living area because the bedroom door had been left ajar – where before it had been shut tight. Looking around he caught sight of Roxas pretty easily, curled up on the couch, wearing one of Axel’s discarded plaid long-sleeved shirts. He was facing towards the window, and probably cuddling his cat. The streetlight from the outside – streaming through the bare window – gave Roxas a very forlorn glow.

“What’s wrong?” Axel said quietly and gently, so as not to startle the other man as he drew near.

Roxas, however, did jerk upward, turning towards Axel slightly. “N-nothing,” was the familiar response accompanied by a sniffle and a wipe of his face on a long sleeve.

Axel bit down his worried scowl. He walked over to the other man, catching a glimpse of stuff on the coffee table, but returned his attention to Roxas. “Don’t give me that. You’ve been off all evening. And now you’re out of bed in the middle of the night, using your cat to soak up your tears. What’s wrong, babe? You can tell me,” he said again, still gentle and trying to sound as warm as possible. He sat down, causing Roxas to tilt towards him with the dip of the couch cushion.

A few breaths passed, carrying with it the burbles of heart-wrenching sadness. “Nothing’s wrong. There’s nothing to fix. I just… feel sad.”

“Maybe I can’t fix it, but I want you to talk to me. I want you to be able to cry on my shoulder, instead of getting your poor pussy all wet.” Axel nudged his shoulder against Roxas, who choked out some laughter.

Slowly, Roxas began, “I can’t stand how long this is taking. I had it all planned out in my head. I was going to say my peace to Vanitas and then that chapter of my life was going to be closed and over and I could move on with you, but now—he’s such a fucking asshole. Why drag this out?” Roxas rubbed his face on the sleeve and didn’t give Axel a chance to answer, saying angrily, “I know why. He likes to torture me. This is one last way for him to make me squirm.”

“Are you sure you’re just pissed off with him? Because you can still do all that stuff… it’s just going to take a few more days than we had hoped.”

Roxas’ face scrunched up with pain and he nodded.

Axel frowned into the blue gloom of the room. Regrettably, he didn’t buy that this was the full story. He leaned forward and pulled some of the stuff off the coffee table to take a closer look. Roxas gave a strangled whine and tried to grab at it before Axel could reach it but he was too slow.

“What’re these?” It was rhetorical; they were photographs of two kids, which Axel assumed were Roxas and Vanitas. Little Roxas was very cute – he wore a cheeky grin that Axel had seen before, and Vanitas looked cocky as ever as they stood outside before a suburban house with a lawn and a hedge. The other photo was of Roxas and Vanitas again, but older, out somewhere very nondescript and looking happier than Axel had ever seen Roxas when he had been with or talked about Vanitas.

“Just some photos,” Roxas mumbled and curled in around his cat a little more, who was purring on his lap.

“Why’re you looking at them?”

“Why’re you asking me,” Roxas snapped, snatching the photos from Axel and tucking them away.

“Because looking at photos isn’t what angry people do.” He reached out again, finding another photograph which looked far more tattered. It was the one of Axel and Roxas at The Kingdom. “Ripping up is what angry people do,” he said and felt a pinch in his chest.

“Van did that,” Roxas mumbled, the irritation melting from him.

Axel sighed and slid the photo back onto the coffee table. “What’s going on, Roxas? Why’re you closing yourself off and crying over old photographs?”

“I don’t know,” Roxas breathed out, pain hitching his voice a little.

Axel felt like he was smacking his head against a brick wall. He was sure Roxas knew. He was sure that something was deeply wrong but didn’t know how to force or coax it out of his boyfriend. He tried pleading, “You can tell me. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I won’t be mad. I won’t get upset. And… if you tell me, you might even feel better. You wanna give it a try?” He hated the idea of Roxas being scared of him and _that_ being the reason he was keeping everything close to his chest.

“I…” Roxas’ brow furrowed, his eyes darted and then rested on the floor, “I don’t know,” he pushed out with a forceful sob. “I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been trying, and trying, and _trying_ so hard to be happy but… it’s been so hard, and I don’t know why,” Roxas’ voice squeaked, and his jaw clenched tight.

A deep discomfort squeezed the top of Axel’s stomach. “What can’t you stop thinking about?”

Wide eyes turned onto Axel. “Please don’t think I’m ungrateful for everything you’ve done for me. I… I’m super grateful even if I haven’t shown it lately. You’ve been so good to me – so nice to me.”

Axel winced at that word and pressed with urgency, “What have you been thinking about?”

“I,” Roxas grimaced and his mouth flapped, wordlessly.

Axel rubbed at Roxas’ arm and squeezed him gently, _lovingly_. “You can tell me.” He smiled as wet eyes turned up to meet him.

“That’s the thing – I _can’t_!”

“Why not?”

“Because…” Roxas worried at his lip, “because… everything’s my fault. I hate how I am with you. I hate that I can’t be happy with you all the time. I hate this sick feeling inside.” His hand went to his gut. “Everything feels weird and wrong,” Roxas whimpered and fought against his tears.

Axel could feel his pulse uncomfortably throbbing in his chest and his fingers turned a little cold. “Whaddya mean, _wrong_?”

Roxas’ head snapped up. “How I am with you. It’s like… a switch flipped. Now that you’re my boyfriend…” his voice caught uncomfortably on that word, “everything’s different,” he finished in a mutter.

“How?” Axel didn’t understand. Things had been so good – until they hadn’t been. Roxas was just talking about the last couple of days… _right?_ He could understand the last couple of daysbut anything longer…?

Roxas pulled away from Axel a little. A look of apprehension flickered, eyes darted, and he chewed on his lip.

“Tell me. I want you to tell me things,” Axel urged, vocal cords strumming together tightly.

A sharp inhale of breath was followed by Roxas’ eyes shutting tight, as if the look on Axel’s face would kill him. “That’s… I… I don’t feel like I _can_ tell you things, where before I could. It’s… a lot harder now.”

“Why?” Axel breathed out, feeling tense all over.

Roxas’ forehead was still furrowed with the intensity of closing his eyes. “It’s like… before it didn’t matter what you thought of me. But now it does. Now… everything’s different. And I want nothing more than to please you, especially since you’ve been way nicer to me than I ever deserved, and you… you just keep giving and _giving_ and it’s really fucking overwhelming.” Tears started welling again, diminishing the strength of Roxas’ voice. “I don’t want you to buy me things. I don’t want you to spend a single coin on me. I’m already freeloading in your home, stealing your bed space, eating your food, with money you’ve worked hard for. You’ve always given me everything I don’t deserve, and I keep taking and not giving back. And… and I… I’m so fucking ungrateful,” Roxas blubbered.

Axel stared in disbelief. Where was this coming from? “How’re you being ungrateful? Roxas! You have… been _amazing_. You look after me, you think of me constantly. You’re… making me curtains from material you got by going on a badass NPC quest! You broke the law for me and had cops chasing you.” Axel laughed a little breathlessly. He reached out and held onto Roxas’ upper arm, giving him what hopefully felt like a reassuring squeeze. “Like… you’re so fucking cool and awesome and I completely appreciate everything you do, and I don’t feel like you’re freeloading one bit. You’re like an awesome house guest. You keep things tidy and make awesome breakfasts. If anything, _I’m_ the one sponging off your generosity.” Axel truly felt that. He hated that Roxas wasn’t letting him do more for him.

“You’re just saying that to be nice. I’m not giving you the things you want from me. You’re probably wanting this court thing to be over so you can get rid of me, and I don’t blame you. I really don’t.”

Axel’s mouth was hanging open. “W-what do you think I want from you?”

Roxas gave a pained frown. He tucked his lips in, hugged his cat a little tighter, and his eyes only held Axel’s for the briefest moment. “Sex. But you won’t even let me now, and I don’t fucking know what’s going on or what I’m supposed to do.”

It came like a kick to the gut. “Roxas!” There was _so_ much wrong with that assumption. “I don’t want you for sex – I mean, I don’t _just_ want you for sex. Sex is… so inconsequential here. You’re more than just your body.” The wind was still knocked out of him. Axel felt insulted and incredibly pained that Roxas would think that.

“But you don’t even want me anymore. Ever since I messed up and… you haven’t wanted to with me. You think I’m gross and wrong.”

“I don’t.”

“Then why don’t you want me?”

“I do want you.”

“But?”

“But… I just… I’m not cool with the idea of you doing things with me because you feel you have to. And I just feel like right now things are stressing us both out too much, so I don’t know if you want me or if you do things because you feel obligated to do them. And I figure once the court’s all done, we’ll both feel better about stuff and then we can try at it again.”

“But I’ve been _telling_ you that I want you and you’re still…” Roxas sobbed. “I can’t make you happy. I’m so useless.”

“Roxas, no. Roxy, babe. No – just… no.” He grabbed the sides of Roxas’ face and forced the gaze between them. “You make me so happy, all the time. I’m just… I don’t wanna hurt you. I don’t wanna keep perpetuating this you-having-sex-with-me-because-you-think-I’m-angry thing. How you did stuff in the past… that’s not how I want you to do things with me. If I’m angry with you, you’ll know it and no sex will ever fix it, so don’t even try.”

Roxas looked small and fragile. Axel had probably been way too harsh. He tried to soften himself with a hefty sigh, and said, while stroking Roxas damp cheeks, “I want you here – have wanted you here for so long now,” he swept blond bangs aside, “Nothing will change that, ever. I love you, Rox. You’re a great guy. You just… have been conditioned to do not-so-great things. I don’t blame you for any of it. I love you, okay?”

It’s like Axel’s words opened up a sore wound. Roxas’ face contorted in pain, a slow wail seeped out, growing in strength while Roxas’ fingers clutched and held his sides firmly as he drew himself into a ball.

Panic flooded Axel. What was happening? Why was everything he was saying somehow making things worse right now? “What is it?” he asked, heart racing uncomfortably. He rubbed at Roxas’ back.

Roxas spoke, a strained high-pitch to his voice, “I’m so ungrateful.”

“Why?” Axel also squeaked. He felt the sting of tears in the corners of his eyes. This was so infuriating. How could he make Roxas see and understand that he was an amazing human being?

“I… I…” Roxas shook with sobs and tears and blubbered, “I wish I could love you, like you love me.”

Something dropped in Axel’s stomach. “Y-you don’t?”

Roxas’ head raised a little. He looked broken and frail, splotches on his face evident even in the dim light. “I do, I do. Please don’t think I don’t!”

“But… then what? Why are you saying that?” There totally was a _but_. “Please tell me.” Axel rubbed Roxas’ back a little firmer. What had happened? Could one stupid letter really have changed everything between them? It made no sense.

Eyes squeezed shut. “Don’t make me say it.”

Those foreboding words wound Axel’s insides tight into a coil, making it a little harder to breathe. “Please tell me. I’m here for you. I want you to share stuff with me. It’s my boyfriend-duty to love and care for you, and to be understanding, no matter what.” Axel tried not to think about what that ‘no matter what’ was, even if it was, _‘I don’t want to do this with you anymore._ ’

Roxas turned a little bit more towards Axel. He had trouble holding eye contact, and his small frame seemed to curl tighter around itself and the cat. “I’m a terrible boyfriend to you. I don’t deserve you. And… I was a terrible boyfriend to Vanitas and don’t deserve him either and—” his lip quivered, “I _miss him_ so _damn_ much,” Roxas squeezed out in a tight, high pitch. His head sunk down, tears renewed. He shook with sobs and Axel really didn’t know what to do or how to feel.

He leaned in and rested his chin on Roxas’ shoulder, pushing his face into soft hair, and continuing to run a hand up and down the man’s back. Axel tried hard not to be offended. He wished Kairi were here to shed some light around how to respond to something like this. “It’s okay,” was the best he could come up with.

A heavier sob shook through Roxas and into Axel. “I’m so sorry! I wish the court stuff had happened like planned. I’m so fucking confused about how I feel about Van. I was hoping to see him and then know. I want to be with you. I want to give my all to you, but I keep thinking about _him_. I don’t know if it’s stress, or guilt, or worry, or love. I’m scared of seeing him again, but now I know that not seeing him again feels even worse. I feel so bad about how I ended it. I feel like I did the wrong thing. That I shouldn’t be with you, even though I want to be. And the longer this drags out, the more shit I feel.”

Coldness clamped Axel’s gut, making him nauseous, but at the same time, he was so glad that Roxas was finally talking to him about this. “You still love me, don’t you? Even a little?”

Roxas’ head snapped up. “Of course I do! Yeah. I do. Oh God, please don’t think I don’t, Ax. Please don’t. I do.” Roxas begged, tucking arms around Axel’s chest and clinging tightly to him. “I love you. But I – love _him_ as well – maybe, I think. I don’t fucking know. I - I,” Roxas took a deep, shaky breath. His head rested against Axel’s chest for a while before Roxas released his grip and turned away, looking out towards the television unit. He picked Cheshire off his lap, who had been happily dozing through everything and put her on the ground. She sprang away, leaving the two men alone. “I’m being an annoying pest. I’m making you worry and shutting you out. I’m a miserable sack of shit and I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you can—”

“You’re not. Just stop. Please stop. Don’t talk about yourself like that.” Axel had his hands on Roxas’ face again, turning the man’s head so they could look at each other in the illuminated gloom of the room.

Tears streaked, gathered, and pooled in the creases where Axel’s fingers made contact with Roxas’ cheeks. They both silently took each other in, their expressions of upset and hurt mirroring each other. Axel took a shaky breath. His heart ached and he yearned to have things be right between them again. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

“Since… I don’t know. I don’t know when it all started,” he shrugged. “I’ve been feeling messed up for too many years,” he muttered, eyes dropping away.

Axel wound his arms around the small and somewhat trembling frame before himself. “It’s all right,” he said. He wasn’t sure what it was exactly that made Roxas finally open up to him. Maybe it was the darkness – the stillness of the night – the being caught red-handed with no way to explain himself otherwise – but, whatever it was, Axel was glad that he finally heard it, no matter how much it stung.

“I shouldn’t have feelings for Van anymore. I should only love you.” Eyes cracked open but looked down. “I just don’t know. And every time you’re nice to me, I feel like I’m cheating on you. I feel dirty for taking your money and your food and…” Roxas clung tight to Axel.

Axel was still stroking Roxas’ back. He tried to maintain as much physical contact between them as possible, wanting to be reassuring. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m doing what I can to support you, so you can get back on your feet. And stop thinking that you’re freeloading. You’re not. You – I love you and that’s what people in love do – they support each other, yeah? You’re having a really tough time right now, but you’ll get through this. _We’ll_ get through this together. And… I’m not mad about the Vanitas thing.”

Roxas looked up at those words, warily taking Axel in, and assessing his sincerity. “You’re not?”

Axel shook his head and gave a small, loving smile. “No, I’m not. Yeah, it sucks, and, I’ll be honest, it kinda hurts—” Roxas flinched at Axel’s words. Axel held the soft smile and continued, “but I do understand. You guys have been together for so long – even if it wasn’t the best of times all the time, he still means something to you. Might _always_ mean something to you,” those words sat heavily in Axel’s heart, “but you chose to finally leave him. You’re with _me_ , because you want _me_ , right?” There was a tiny bit of desperation for validation in Axel’s heart.

Big, immeasurably sad blue eyes looked up at Axel. Tiny, eager nods were given. “I love you, I know that. I’m not using you, I swear. I feel shit for how things are between us. I’ll try and be better. I’ll try and _do_ better. I know I don’t deserve you, but I’ll try to be someone worthy of you.”

Roxas’ words ruffled Axel. He was glad to hear it, but at the same time it wasn’t the guy he had fallen for. “You gotta stop talking like that about yourself. Do me this one favor, okay? No more thinking you’re a terrible person. We’re in this relationship together. On the same level. We don’t owe each other anything except being honest with each other. Yeah?”

Roxas nodded.

“Good. So, when I ask you how you’re doing, don’t brush me off with some generic bullshit, okay? You tell me if you’re having worries or doubts, or an actual all right day, yes? I can take whatever you’re going through.”

Another nod.

His heart was soothed, and the corners of his mouth lifted into a smile. “Good. So Roxas, after all that… how’re you feeling?”

A smile cracked the stern and sullen facade Roxas wore. “A bit better.”

“Attaboy.” Axel kissed Roxas’ forehead and then pushed their heads together gently. He thumbed the back of Roxas’ neck, brushing up into the hairline. “I love you. And that will never change,” he rumbled with affection and felt it with every fiber of his being.

“I love you, too,” Roxas echoed faintly, but gave Axel a big squeeze around the middle.

They kept hugging for a while. Axel didn’t want to let go. He thought that he should totally get a sofa bed, then they wouldn’t have to move much at all.

Axel’s thought was drawn away from that though because he felt Roxas’ hands roaming around and then his whole body dropped away and down between Axel’s legs.

“Roxas. Are you doing this because you feel bad?” Axel questioned.

Roxas stopped massaging the palm of his hand over Axel’s groin. “Shit,” he muttered _almost_ under his breath.

Axel pulled Roxas back up. “Are you even thinking about this or is it just a reflex?” he asked, completely baffled.

“I… I… must be? I know – oh, God, I know you don’t want me to go down on you like this. I’m such a hopeless, fucki—”

Axel pressed his mouth to Roxas’, to stop the train of negativity coming out. He kissed Roxas, who took a few moments to register what was going on and then kissed back. Axel then ended their kiss. “I’m sorry I had to do that. I just don’t want to hear you say bullshit things about yourself anymore. I love you. I’m not mad. I don’t want you to go down on me unless it’s because you’re one-hundred percent horny for me.”

Roxas let out a hefty huff and nodded. “I understand.”

“Okay.” Axel smiled and kissed Roxas’ forehead.

“Ax…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m one-hundred percent horny for you right now,” Roxas wore a dead-serious expression.

“Y-you are?” Axel gulped.

“Yeah.” Roxas slid down Axel’s body again, and between his legs. Hands resumed their pulling down of Axel’s boxers.

Axel’s heart raced a little. Should he believe Roxas? Would Roxas lie about this, knowing how important it was to Axel? Axel was horny for Roxas too. His body wanted to believe him.

Roxas stroked Axel’s length and pressed kisses to inner thighs. Axel frowned against the pleasure. He decided that he didn’t want it. He was sick of himself taking Roxas for granted. He grasped Roxas’ hands, pulling them off himself and squeezing lovingly. Blue eyes turned up towards him and a little smile danced across Roxas’ lips.

“Roxy.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want you to do this right now.”

Sunshine fell from Roxas’ face. “B-but… I want you.”

“And I want you too… but… hey, you know what would make me super happy?” Axel tried a different approach.

“What?”

“Get back up here and let’s swap.” Axel began pulling Roxas up, who looked confused.

“Swap?” Roxas’ back hit the couch and Axel kissed milky skin underneath the shirt, as he traveled down and settled between Roxas’ legs.

“Yeah, swap. I like,” he kissed Roxas’ inner thigh, spreading the legs apart a little more so he could get in closer, “sucking you off, but you don’t seem to let me very much.” An uncomfortable thought suddenly hit him, and his head snapped up to look at Roxas. “You like getting blowjobs, don’t you? If you didn’t, you’d tell me, right?”

“Oh, um…” Roxas gave a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I… I do like them… a… a _lot_ … actually.”

“Well then, okay, good. I’m giving you one. It’ll make me very happy, so sit back and enjoy.” Axel returned his attention to soft, sensitive skin. He ran his fingers around hips and thighs and pressed kisses into the well-kempt forest of hairs.

He cast glances up at Roxas who gave him weak smiles that dropped back down into a face of concentration. Axel found it adorable how Roxas was carefully studying and watching him as he kissed and stroked and then gently pumped until Roxas was well into his erection.

Small sounds began leaving Roxas’ mouth as Axel kissed and licked his way up Roxas’ shaft, kneaded the firm flesh of Roxas’ backside with his hands, and pulling Roxas a little close to himself.

When Axel reached the top of Roxas’ shaft and kissed the head and licked at the pre-come starting to build, Roxas gasped louder and hands fell to his sides, gripping the couch for support.

“C-condom?” Roxas’ voice trembled.

Axel looked up from the needy head. He didn’t want to go get one. “You think we need one? I’m happy to just—”

Roxas whimpered.

“Oh. Okay. Just… don’t move, okay? Stay like this.” Axel kissed the head of Roxas’ penis before he scrambled up and headed to the bedroom. He cast a glance back at Roxas before he passed through the doorway. Roxas’ feet were propped up on the couch and his knees spread apart. Axel’s shaft throbbed seeing Roxas with nothing but a shirt on and fully aroused, looking towards Axel longingly.

Axel tore his gaze away and quickly took the three long strides to his bedside stand, plucking condoms and lubricant from the drawer, just in case they got to butt stuff.

He wasn’t even gone for thirty seconds, but when he came back Roxas was facing away, his chest pressed to the back of the couch and his ass pushed out towards Axel, who groaned from the pit of his stomach. Roxas turned his head to look at Axel, while keeping his body propped up against the couch.

“I thought I said you shouldn’t move,” Axel joked.

“Sorry. I just… want you.” Roxas arched his back and pushed his backside towards Axel, which made Axel bite his lip.

“You want to do it like this?”

Roxas nodded.

Axel’s mind fogged over too much to think about why Roxas was so against getting a blow-job especially after what he had told him just before. He crossed the floor and ran a finger down Roxas’ back and between the cleft of his ass cheeks. Roxas whimpered as Axel brushed and pushed his finger into him a little bit.

Axel sighed with desire and tossed the things he was carrying onto the couch. He pushed himself against Roxas, draping over him and pressing kisses to warm skin, as well as wrapping his arms around Roxas, touching his chest, abdomen, and penis, all to the sound of sweet gasps and sighs.

They were both hard in no time. Condoms were put on, lube applied. Axel gently bit into Roxas’ shoulder as he entered him from behind, eliciting a small cry of pleasure from Roxas, who threw his head back and arched his back more.

Axel loved the feeling of Roxas around him and under him. He ached for Roxas _inside_ himself as well, so while he was thrusting, he worked slickened finger into his own backside, groaning as he fondled himself. His other hand trailed down the underside of Roxas’ body, to his erection, which he began pumping.

Roxas rocked into Axel’s hand while getting his ass fucked. “You feel so good. You always make me feel so good,” he groaned and moaned. His arms strained, and fingers gripped the top of the couch.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” Axel rumbled with desire. He found the right spot to brush against his own prostate, and by the sounds of things, his cock was doing the same for Roxas too. The heady pleasure was building inside, spreading heat down his limbs.

Roxas groaned louder. “... me. Fu-ck me. U-se me,” came the guttural grumble out of Roxas.

Axel whimpered. He pulled his finger out from inside himself so he could hold onto Roxas and ram into him while still pumping him with his other hand. Axel found a good rhythm. He moaned out his pleasure to the ceiling – not even feeling weird that he could see Cheshire on the window sill watching them.

He focused his eyes back on Roxas’ back and the way the poor light from outside gave an ethereal glow to his perfect skin. He grasped Roxas’ hip and buttock, he squeezed Roxas’ erection and pumped him faster as he gave shallow thrusts, making himself mewl because Roxas felt so good around his head.

“Axel,” Roxas whimpered, his head tilting to the side and exposing his slender neck.

Axel shifted, pressing his chest to Roxas’ back and kissed, licked, and nipped at his boyfriend. Axel then slowed right down with his thrusting and pumping as Roxas chased Axel’s lips, catching them and sucking.

Axel wanted more. He slid his hands up to Roxas’ shoulders, pulled out and urged Roxas to turn around with some gentle presses and nudging. Roxas back sunk down against the couch and Axel followed him, restarting the kiss before Roxas’ head hit the armrest.

Roxas gripped onto Axel’s sides, fingers fluttering, stroking, teasing, and making Axel’s insides tingle. He hunched over Roxas, feeling the man’s erection brush against his backside and Axel slid backward, to get off Roxas’ chest and to where he belonged. The caress against his anus stopped Axel in his tracks. He moaned and wanted to push himself onto Roxas – to use him like he had begged. After a deep inhale and exhale, Axel thought better of it and shifted his hips up and back, docking the head of his erection against Roxas’ sphincter.

“Babe,” Axel breathed out as he pushed back into Roxas, the tight feel of him around his cock resuming the burning desire and heat in his loins.

Roxas mewled and gripped Axel’s shoulders, pulling him down into a smoldering kiss. Axel rolled his hips. Roxas arched up against every push. Arms wrapped around each other, and as the fervor of the thrusting increased, the kissing was abandoned for buried heads against necks and cheeks rubbing against hair. Panting and desperate moans filled the room. The couch squeaked. Axel went for Roxas’ erection pressed between them and after a few tugs and a high-pitched squeak, Roxas came, sending Axel over the edge with the astonishing heat and delight that surrounded his cock and milked him for all his pleasure.

They lay collapsed, together. Breaths ran ragged, making it impossible to even force words out. It was bliss and exhaustion and happiness.

“I love you,” Roxas’ husky voice blew against Axel’s ear.

Axel gave but a grunt in response and formed his lips into a pucker, pressing a kiss to the sweaty shoulder under him.

More heavy breathing followed, and arms eventually found the strength to move and meander over sweating and still-heaving body parts. They both sighed, nuzzled, and left tiny kisses against each other.

Eventually, Roxas’ tired and slightly-quavering voice strained out a, “I’m sorry for how terrible everything’s been. I’m sorry for how I’ve been and that I can’t get Van—”

Axel quickly kissed Roxas. He was _so_ sick of hearing that man’s name. “Not your doing. Don’t apologize.”

“But – I want you to be happy, and if I can’t be, then you…”

“I’m happy as long as you’re with me. I know this court stuff won’t last forever. You’ll feel better in no time. And in the meanwhile, I want you to let me try and make _you_ happy.”

“You do.” Roxas gently pulled at a red spike, sweeping it away from Axel’s face.

“But I mean… let me buy you things. Let me make you comfortable.”

“Axel, n—”

“Please. Just let me do things for you. You’ve done so much for me. I can’t make stuff. I suck with my hands so I—”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Blue eyes flickered onto Axel and then shyly fell away again.

Axel huffed with mirth and pressed a kiss to Roxas’ neck and the tip of his nose before he rested his head back against the couch’s backrest. “I just mean that there’s only so much I can do to show you my appreciation—”

“You’ve done so much for me. You let me live here and look after me and—”

Axel pressed a finger to Roxas’ lips, shushing him before his tone of voice could get any huffier and more agitated. “All of that stuff is honestly no effort for me. I could do that in my sleep. I want you to let me treat you right. I want to shower you with things. I know you don’t want me to spend money on you, but… just let me. A little bit. Let me get you things you might enjoy without feeling all… terrible inside for it.”

Roxas’ brow knit, his mouth hung open looking clueless as to what to say or do. “But Ax—”

“But nothing. Please, Rox. Just let me. Know that it gives me joy and don’t feel bad about it. I promise I won’t go overboard. We don’t have to do things that are expensive. I won’t take us on a holiday or anything. Just… let me take you out for a nice meal. Let’s watch a movie without you getting all mopey. I feel like I can’t do anything for you but be here and spend money on you, because I _have_ money, and I worked hard for it to spend however I want. You make me thoughtful things. I can’t make jack-shit besides bar drinks, so let me spoil you in my own way, please.”

“You’re really sweet.” Roxas smiled softly.

“And so are you. Let’s just be together. Just you and me – not you, me, and your ex, okay?”

Roxas huffed, half sad, half happy, and he nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Awesome. Now… come back to bed with me. It’s been a long day. We can figure out fun things to do in the morning, yeah?”

“Bed…? I can come to bed… after— but…”

Axel chuckled. “Of course. Where else would you sleep?”

A dumb sound fell out of Roxas and then he shook his head quickly and smiled. “Yeah, no. I don’t know. I’m too tired. Bed is what I need.”

“And you next to me in bed is what _I_ need.” Axel grinned.

Roxas’ smile softened and widened. He leaned in and kissed Axel with affection, got out from under him and then pulled Axel to his feet. Condoms were disposed of and Roxas discarded his shirt as they went back to bed. They snuggled firmly against each other and hands lazily roamed over flesh, more for reassurance than sexual gratification, and sleep soon took them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was honestly a rollercoaster of emotions for myself. That nice cruise we were on... sea's getting a bit choppy but nothing your captain Cream Pudding of the USS Angst Ship can't steer and keep afloat. So don't worry. You guys are in safe hands.
> 
> Other than that, I feel so bad for these two. But at least they got to have sexy fun times. There's been a heck of a lot of sex these last few chapters, ahaha! Hope we are all enjoying it.
> 
> And lastly... while I won't let any of you drown on my ship I must confess that I have no clue as to how many chapters this story will end up being. I keep splitting things - like this chapter - and I still have 'one' chapter left to write but it's looking like that chapter will be split into three so... _throws hands up in the air in defeat_ I have no clue what this story wants to do anymore. For now you get a big fat **?** for the total chapter count.


	18. A Bid For Self-Determinism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas is trying to take charge of his life, in small ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content below.

When the sun rose, bathing the bedroom in a warm red glow as light filtered through the curtain, Roxas lay awake next to the ever-slumbering form that was his boyfriend. Their legs were tangled together, Axel’s breath hit the space between Roxas’ shoulder blades, and long arms draped over his waist.

A smile lit Roxas’ face and he savored this moment of bliss. Roxas couldn’t remember ever being cuddled so much, being loved with such passion, and having his opinions matter. The night before had been intense, and despite it being difficult to accept… Axel wanted to see him happy. And Roxas wanted to see Axel happy. They were both shooting for the same goal; a loving relationship.

So why was Roxas always messing things up? He gave a sharp, yet quiet exhale.

Roxas hated how miserable he had been. He hated how one little letter had so completely derailed him and everything he had been aiming for. Sure, the sadness he had been holding inside had been overcoming him in the days leading up to yesterday, but he had thought himself to be managing all right. He had been _trying_ to hold it together. He adored Axel, _loved_ Axel. He hadn’t understood why his heart had been so heavy for so long and increasing in weight each passing day. Not until last night. Not until the realization had hit him that he had still been holding on to Vanitas in some small way. The weight of that had overwhelmed him last night. It had filled him with shame, disgust, and bitter hurt. Roxas thought himself exceptionally messed up for still loving someone who had been so cruel.

Having had to admit that to Axel had been… Roxas squeezed his eyes shut against that uncomfortable thought and the resurgence of loathsome feelings. He hadn’t known how to get out from underneath it – how to make it lighter. But Axel had helped. Axel had been understanding and kind and was constantly proving Roxas’ worst fears and expectations wrong. Axel was so wonderful that it hurt to fathom how lucky Roxas had been to ever find someone like this man.

Roxas was so blessed. So why couldn’t he forget?

The thought that Vanitas was still out there hurt him. Even now. Even after everything that Roxas had blubbered out last night. He hated that he hadn’t been able to keep it hidden inside. He had managed for days on end successfully. He had fought against the bitter tears. Had hidden them whilst he showered; muffled the sound behind water and hands to his mouth and had hidden the red-rimmed eyes amidst the darkness of their bedroom. He had tried to be happy… but that letter. It had broken Roxas’ brave face and he hated himself and Vanitas for it.

He regretted Axel having seen him break. He had never wanted Axel to see. Axel worrying about him made him feel _sick_. Axel was so sweet, and it hurt Roxas to cause him pain or discomfort… and a small, dark, loathsome part of himself told him to never let Axel worry in case – just in case…

Roxas shook his head lightly against that completely stupid and paranoid thought. He hated even the tiniest of inklings related to that sort of feeling. He was disgusted with himself for ever feeling unsure about Axel. He didn’t mean to. It wasn’t on purpose, it was just his stupid, useless head.

Roxas tried to bury those thoughts and not give them any more credence. He refocused on how pleasant Axel’s warmth was, how sweet the man was, and how much Axel meant to him.

Roxas would make it up to Axel. He would be the perfect boyfriend and not do things to make Axel worry or feel… dirty. He would suck up the humiliation of not having anything of his own and let Axel… buy him stuff. A cold lump in his gut washed a wave of nausea over him. His lungs suddenly didn’t feel like they had enough room to expand. Roxas swallowed down the sob… or scream… or whatever it was that was sitting there. Being reliant on someone else wouldn’t be forever. No. Just until the court was over. Then Roxas would focus on himself. Maybe he could even do that right now in some small way? He could look for work. Axel said he would help.

Sudden love welled up, spreading a smile across Roxas’ face. He rolled over, gently, so as not to disturb Axel, but he was met with breathtaking green eyes fluttering open and a smile blooming to match his own.

“Morning, gorgeous,” Axel husked with sleep.

“Morning, sleepyhead.” Roxas kissed Axel’s forehead. And that began their day; a day filled with hanging out and fun.

This continued for several more days. They had very loose plans, largely dictated by the weather and how tired and lazy they both felt.

They stayed inside mostly, and if they did venture out, it was only to do local shopping around the neighborhood. Roxas was allowed to buy and eat whatever his stomach fancied without so much as a snide comment or judging look. And when they stayed out and strayed further from what was essentially Roxas’ home now, it wasn’t too bad either. Roxas concentrated hard on shutting out the stupid voices in his head that kept insisting that he wasn’t good enough, or worth Axel’s while. It was made easier as Roxas watched the smiles Axel gave him. He looked so happy whenever he was able to do something for Roxas – buy him a nice meal, reach for something on a too-high shelf, stick a band-aid on Roxas whenever he happened to stick himself with the needle as he slowly worked on the curtain. Even if a band-aid wasn’t warranted, Roxas _still_ let Axel tend to him because the close proximity, soft kisses, and little titters they shared as they looked down at Roxas’ bandaged fingertips made Roxas fall ever deeper in love with his boyfriend.

Seeing Axel happy made Roxas happy. It made him feel worthwhile and like he wasn’t a burden. Roxas also thought that maybe – just _maybe_ – sex wasn’t his only use to Axel, after all. Because they hadn’t had any to speak of, but Axel was still happy and lovely to him. There wasn’t that weird rejection from before either, where every slight attempt to be affectionate with Axel had been shut down.

They kissed, they caressed, they were happy. Roxas was happy. It was so weird. He found it hard to accept that Axel wanted him – had hung in there a full week-and-bit with him – was ready to do it all over again, but here they were. It definitely made Roxas want to try a whole lot harder to make things as good as possible for the both of them.

* * *

 

Sunday came around and Axel had told Roxas the night before that they would be going out for the whole day. It had made Roxas gulp. He was excited, of course he was, but… well, Sunday was here and Roxas wanted to see Axel happy, so he didn’t make a fuss.

They went to free events and places, which made Roxas breathe a sigh of relief. He hated himself for having become so dependent. He thought about it too many times ever since he had left Vanitas. He tried to pinpoint when it had begun happening, to no avail. It had been so insidious. Either that, or Roxas had been incredibly naive. He tried to steer clear of that assumption because Axel would be annoyed, but it was hard because being told he was dumb for at least seven years… well, it became difficult not to believe it. The resentment towards Vanitas was on a steady increase, which made his affections towards the other man even more bizarre.

He literally woke up with Vanitas being the first thing on his mind a lot of the time. Was he all right? Was he thinking of Roxas? Was he cooking his own meals? Or was he just buying take-out, and what the fuck was with that? It made Roxas angry as well. With a shake of the head, he forced himself back into the present, where Axel stood before him, holding out a skewer pierced with meats and vegetables. Axel had picked it up from one of the food vendors, lining the convention hall of the food fair they had found and were making their way through, gorging themselves on freebies.

Roxas loved how thoughtful Axel was. He loved how caring and understanding he was, and how much of Roxas’ shit he could put up with. Roxas hoped that after next week, there wouldn’t be any more shit to put up with. That this would be the last hurdle for them and then they could work on their future together.

The day continued to be filled with free activities. The icing on the cake was the movie they ended up ‘seeing.’ Roxas thought that word was very generous.

Axel had taken them to a drive-in. But neither of them drove or had a car, so Axel’s version of it was to sneak around and position themselves on the grassy hill overlooking the open-air screen from an angle. The movie was some action blockbuster, so it wasn’t too crucial to know the plot in order to enjoy watching it. And even if it had a plot it didn’t matter, since Axel and Roxas spent half the movie doing poor lip-reads and cracking each other up.

The other half of the movie… well, the onscreen kiss between the protagonist and the damsel in distress had started it all—

“Oh Clarence, I know we’re in the middle of a battlefield and shit’s about to go down but,” Axel squeaked in a falsetto, “I’ve had a throbbing lady-boner for you since you slow-motion ripped your shirt in half to make a tourniquet for dear Papa’s gruesomely amputated arm.”

“That shirt was a hindrance. My pecs could hardly exert their masculinity,” Roxas thrummed in a deep tenor.

“Oh,” Axel gushed in a high-strung moan while fanning himself, “please, I long for your masculinity. Exert all over my ample bosom. _Please._ ” He leaned in towards Roxas, batting gorgeous lashes at him.

Roxas’ breath caught, and his laughter froze. Makeup did wonders for making Roxas forget that there was still a sickly yellow-green bruise on that gorgeous face. Roxas had hated seeing Axel broken and hurt. He had forced himself to look at it because he deserved to feel terrible for having caused Axel harm. But right now, he didn’t want to dwell on it. Right now, he wanted to be with just Axel, and shut Vanitas out.

He cupped Axel’s face and smiled. “I love it when you beg, Olympia,” Roxas put his finger on Axel’s lips like the guy was doing to the woman in the movie, “I’ll rock your world and shake you out of your impossibly tight miniskirt and ridiculously high heels.” Roxas grabbed Axel roughly around the back of the neck and pulled him into a debaucherous open-mouthed kiss.

Axel’s giggles stilled and were replaced with pleased-sounding hums and murmurs. Roxas climbed on top of Axel so he could get a better angle. He straddled Axel’s lap and felt strong arms hug around his waist. Axel leaned back, taking Roxas along as he lay down on the dampening grass.

The movie flickered in the distance, all but forgotten as their hands roved and explored each other over and under clothes. Hips rolled and bucked, shirts rode up, flies were undone, and erections were fondled and pumped between their pressed-together bodies. It felt insanely good, and Roxas’ mind cleared completely of anything that wasn’t Axel.

He hungered for more salacious kisses, more bare skin, salty sweat, sinfully arousing moans, and hard fucking of either himself or of Axel’s ass. They kissed ravenously. Hands slid aside, grasping at hips and waist in favor of the friction created by their bodies grinding together. The heat between them lay thick and moist, even in the cooling summer evening air. Roxas felt clammy all over from the exertion of frotting against Axel’s rock-hard cock. He loved it inside himself, against himself; he loved Axel so much. He wasn’t sure how long he would hold out, but there was no way he’d stop until Axel wanted him to stop, so he knuckled down, pressed his face into Axel’s shoulder, and ground harder while harsh breaths and hums left his body.

Axel’s hands kneaded Roxas’ backside and kept Roxas pressed down to himself as they both ground against each other. Kisses pressed against Roxas’ hair until a string of hoarse expletives left Axel’s throat and then, “Rox, stop. I’m gonna come.”

Hearing that almost threw Roxas over the edge. He snapped to a standstill and ragged breaths ripped from his throat and out into the night air. Blood rushed through Roxas’ ears. His pulse throbbed in time to his thumping heart, and he could feel Axel’s heartbeat under the palm of his hand, pounding as if it wanted to jump out of his chest.

“I’m so close too,” Roxas got out alongside his uneven huffs.

Axel gave a whining grunt. “I should have packed condoms and lube. Fuck!” He lifted his head a little. Roxas tilted his head to look at Axel with one eye, while still having his forehead pressed against Axel’s shoulder.

“Can we continue this at home? I know it won’t be the same but, _fuck_ , you’re so hot.” Axel groaned – this time with frustration – and slammed his head back against the grass, staring up at the dark sky. “I’m sure we’ll get the magic back easy.”

Roxas shifted a little, making both of them hiss and groan with how sensitive they were. He lifted himself up a fraction, making to slide off Axel before he stilled again. He looked around himself, the hillside was deserted and dark. He didn’t want to end this. He didn’t want a chance for them to second-guess themselves. He wanted to stay in the moment. “We don’t have to wait until we get home,” he stated quietly and slid down Axel’s length, pulling the man’s jeans and briefs down as he went, and exposing Axel to the night air.

Axel raised himself on his elbows and looked at Roxas, wide-eyed. “We’re in public.”

Excitement and arousal coursed through Roxas. He felt brave and reckless, causing a smirk to spring onto his face. He hadn’t felt this giddy since… He blocked it out and hummed. “Oh, you don’t want to?” Roxas cocked an eyebrow and licked his lips as he looked at Axel’s still-hard cock. He wanted to suck on his boyfriend, and then fondle his head as he fucked himself into oblivion in Axel’s ass. That thought made Roxas groan with desire.

He looked back up at Axel and for a moment, his lust fluttered and dimmed at the sight of the other man completely mute, staring at him with a stunned expression. Had he gone too far? Was Axel going to get mad? He was about to stammer something apologetic out when—

“I do. I fucking… would fuck you anywhere you wanted to, any way you wanted to… but you don’t have to if you’re not comfortable,” Axel panted lightly, reaching out to brush at Roxas’ hair.

Roxas’ pulse raced, and his cock ached for Axel. He leaned in a little, “Let’s do it then. Right here. There’s no one around to see.” He couldn’t believe what he was saying. It was invigorating. He wrapped his hand around Axel’s erection tentatively, pumping him a few times to spread the pre-come down to the base of the shaft and then, giving Axel one last look, bent down slowly, opening his mouth, and swallowed Axel’s heat and sharp taste down. Roxas rubbed the crown of Axel’s penis along the roof of his mouth as he bobbed his head. He gave sharp sucks every time he pulled _almost_ off Axel and stroked the base of the man’s shaft, squeezing and pumping while he fondled Axel’s sac with his other hand.

Axel groaned, long, low, and hard. Little words of, _“Fuck, fuck, fuck, so good,”_ tumbled out. His hips twitched upward. Roxas sucked and sucked, loving the feel of Axel in his mouth, loving making him happy and getting himself hot and hard again as well. He wanted to come _so bad_ while he was getting Axel off. He didn’t want anything to stop them this time around. He didn’t want to feel all the things he had been feeling previously. He loved Axel, Axel loved him. Vanitas was – had to be – a distant memory. He stopped fondling Axel and grabbed at his own need, rubbing and stroking himself. Roxas moaned around Axel’s cock, which had the pleasant effect of making Axel arch his back.

“Oh, _God_ , Roxy! Roxy! You’re so amazing. Your mouth,” Axel groaned and writhed, hands gripped and pulled at grass. “Fuck, Yoshi loves you – lovesbeing _in_ you!” Strangled noises followed, and Axel’s head lolled from one side to the other.

Roxas nearly choked on dick and laughter. He pulled off so he could laugh loudly. _“Yoshi?”_ he squeaked. “Is that what you call your dick?”

“Please, Clarence,” Axel whimpered in his mocking falsetto, reaching for Roxas. “Yoshi _needs_ you.”

Roxas snorted, thumped his forehead against Axel’s lower abdomen as he shrieked with laughter and then let out a cough, composing himself and raising his head to try and regain some composure as he said, “Of course my dear.” Roxas took a deep breath, let a giggle burble out and then took Axel – _Yoshi_ – back into his mouth slowly. He rubbed his tongue against Axel’s slit and took more of his boyfriend into his mouth. He began building up the momentum again and fell into a good rhythm. Axel’s mewls started up again, and he kept blabbering adorable things, but Roxas was prepared for it this time so he kept the laugh at bay while he took Axel deeper after every couple of bobs.

Soon, he was working the whole of Axel’s length deep down his throat. A steady stream of noise continued to trickle out of Axel. Roxas could feel his own need and pleasure hot and heavy in his groin and gut. Roxas moved one of his hands off soft skin and down to his arousal, where he opened his fly a little more, hoping to ejaculate onto the grass rather than in his clothes, or on Axel’s, but it would be tricky.

He didn’t get much time to adjust. A shudder ran through Axel moments before he announced that he was about to come. Hot liquid spilled and filled Roxas’ mouth. He sucked and swallowed the viscous fluid, loving every squirt and shudder out of Axel. Roxas whimpered with his painful desire and went harder at stroking himself, wanting to come before this was all over because the thought of having to wait to get home to release himself was too agonizing.

“Rox. Roxy,” Axel cooed somewhat dreamily, somewhere beyond Roxas’ vision. He continued to suck on Axel softly and clenched his eyes closed, trying to get to his climax by moving over his shaft in a frantic state.

“Fuck that was – incredible. Let me – let me do you, babe.” Axel stirred and pulled himself out of Roxas’ mouth as he slid his hips back and sat up.

Roxas’ hand stilled and he opened his eyes, confused. He sat back up as well, kneeling before Axel, still thumbing over himself, but less desperate and frantic. He looked at Axel, all gorgeous green eyes, red hair, and flushed skin. “I want to come,” he pleaded with Axel, despite not having any condoms or lube. He just wanted to feel good.

Eyes trailed down Roxas’ body, and when they saw what he was doing Axel gave a guttural moan. He launched himself towards Roxas, capturing his lips and delved deep into his mouth with a ravenous hunger. Roxas shivered with pleasure. He never got over Axel kissing him when he had just sucked him off and could still taste Axel on his tongue and down his throat. Axel didn’t care that Roxas’ mouth still tasted of himself – maybe he even _liked_ it, judging by the gusto of Axel’s deep needy sucks and swipes of his tongue. Roxas’ stomach spasmed and he moaned into Axel’s mouth as a warm, broad hand with graceful fingers wrapped around his needy erection.

Almost uncontrollably, Roxas pushed into Axel’s blazing touch, but then he quickly collected himself and pulled out of Axel’s kiss. “Anal,” he wheezed as Axel squeezed his erection. He could take it without lube. He needed to make sure Axel was happy.

Axel shook his head and quickly resumed the kiss, pushing Roxas down against the grassy ground. Hands swept over Roxas’ body with such certainty and determination. Kisses began trickling down his exposed skin and further down, over his clothes.

“Babe, here, let me help you with your uncomfortable situation.” Axel thrummed between dripping kisses on Roxas’ abdomen and then—

Roxas’ eyes rolled back and he inhaled sharply as wet warmth engulfed his penis. He hadn’t expected this – not without a condom. He didn’t feel worthy of it, he didn’t deserve Axel on him… Axel would hate the taste of him, Axel would find something wrong! Axel would abandon him if Roxas kept taking and didn’t give anything in return. They _needed_ to have anal, so Axel could get something out of it too!

Roxas’ heart filled with panic. He tried to roll over, but Axel stopped him with his hands and kept sucking and humming and – _Oh God_ , was Axel _enjoying_ himself? Axel began shaking and sending tremors through Roxas’ shaft—Was… he laughing _at_ Roxas?

“What? Roxas panted, not knowing what to feel.

Cool air hit Roxas’ shaft. “I love your Princess Peach,” Axel rumbled and kissed the head of Roxas’ penis.

Confusion startled Roxas out of the heated moment. “Peach? I’m totally more a Bowser.”

Axel cocked his head to the side, thinking about it for a moment. “But you’ve got such cute little peach fuzz.” He giggled and returned his attention to Roxas’ erection, which he kissed the head of tenderly.

A giggle bubbled out of Roxas, but in the blink of an eye, a sob found its way out too.

Green eyes snapped up. “Rox, what’s wrong?” Axel asked with sharp worry.

“N-nothing. I’m just…” Roxas, for a brief moment, wasn’t sure what this sensation in his chest was that made him feel so full that it threatened to burst. A huff came out, and with it a smile. “ _Happy_.” Roxas truly felt it there, at that moment, on the damp grass, with a throbbing erection being caressed by warm breaths. All of Roxas’ fears and hang-ups washed away and were forgotten.

A soft smile danced on Axel’s face. Kind eyes looked Roxas over before settling back on his erection. “Can I keep going?”

“Yeah,” Roxas husked.

Axel licked his lips and then Roxas watched with building desire that knotted in his gut as Axel swallowed him down again. Suction increased around his erection, sending a tingle through him. Axel kept humming and bobbing with more vigor.

Roxas threw his head back and moaned long and loud. Axel’s tongue and mouth on him felt amazing. His erection being tended to in a loving and non-resentful way was something Roxas had always dreamed about. He writhed under Axel’s touches, sucks, and delightful pressure. Where before he had wanted to come as fast as possible, he now wanted to linger in this moment and glorious sensations. He wanted the tingling and arousal to build and build indefinitely. Axel felt incredible between his legs and Roxas hated that he had ever feared this. He hated that he hadn’t trusted Axel to not find him utterly disgusting. Axel really loved him – all of him – would _always_ love all of him.

Roxas whimpered. He craved to spill into Axel’s mouth. He wanted to taste himself on Axel’s tongue and catch any dribbles of his cum that leaked out of him. Axel’s skilled tongue brought involuntary murmurs and mewls out of Roxas. He wrapped his fingers into Axel’s hair, pulling slightly. It elicited a strained grunt from Axel.

“Sorry,” Roxas managed to get out past the pleasurable sounds he was emanating and pulled his hand away.

The cold air felt almost painful against Roxas’ erection as Axel pulled off to say, “No, do it more. Harder. I like it, babe,” and with that Axel maneuvered Roxas’ hand back to his scalp and began sucking on Roxas with renewed fervor.

Roxas pushed his hips up, wanting to be so deep inside of his boyfriend’s hot mouth. Axel took him in further with a tingle-inducing rumble. Roxas lost his mind, and with it, the will to hold back. A few more swipes and rubs of the tongue, a few more deep sucks and Roxas came, yanking at gorgeous red locks like a lifeline in the deep blue sea and moaned Axel’s beautiful name while ecstasy spasmed through his body.

The climax washed out of Roxas eventually, leaving his body akin to a ragdoll. He lay sprawled on the ground, every inch of him floppy. He couldn’t even raise his pinky or muster the strength to open his eyes. That climax had been what Roxas had needed; days and weeks of anxiety were dispelled and forgotten at last.

Kisses trailed warmth across his exposed abdomen. He felt Axel’s hands tuck and zip him back up carefully like he was precious cargo. The gesture coaxed a smile out of his tired muscles.

“You’re so gorgeous, Rox,” Axel husked somewhere above Roxas, exhaustion coloring his words. “I didn’t think you’d be up for doing it in the open, _and_ without condoms. God, you’re so sexy.”

A tired chuckle shook out of Roxas, and then lips were on his. They shared a fatigued and chaste kiss. Axel hummed in pleasure and nibbled on Roxas’ lips while his fingertips grazed and stroked Roxas’ face, revitalizing him somewhat.

Roxas’ eyes drifted open. “You should have seen me in my younger years. I’ve done it where there were actual crowds.”

Surprise filled Axel’s face. “Damn. You just got sexier.” Axel kissed him again, this time slipping in some tongue, which sent shivers down Roxas’ body and stoked the embers of his just-quenched burning desire.

Roxas savored his taste on Axel’s tongue. He couldn’t fathom them doing this right now. Kissing and being kissed after they had just given each other blowjobs…? It made him utterly happy. Of course, Roxas knew that other guys weren’t going to be as picky as Vanitas, but it was still a strange and new concept to get his head around. He wrapped his arms around Axel and kissed back with as much desire as he received.

“You’re so amazing, Axel,” he said when Axel pulled away.

Axel licked his lips and quietly chuckled before he said, “Right back at ya, my Princess.”

Roxas punched him in the arm. “Damn, Yoshi.”

The movie was still going, but neither of them had any will to keep watching. They got up, tidied their disheveled clothes, and headed home, arm-in-arm, and on a comfortable cloud of bliss achieved by good sex and vanquished discomfort.

* * *

 

The high and good vibes of that night were maintained for the next couple of days. Axel continued taking Roxas out to free and not-so-free things. They played sports and various park games with Axel’s friends when they were all available. Trivia night was fun. A stroll through the city’s botanical garden was also a nice distraction from all the things that could bother Roxas. They even visited the planetarium, which had an open day. They stayed until night in hopes of catching a glimpse of some celestial bodies, but the evening grew too overcast, so they went back home because Axel wanted to ‘trace my tongue over the only celestial body I care for.’ Roxas had groaned at how lame that line had been, but then he also groaned with pleasure once they had made it back home and to bed.

Roxas found Axel incredibly sweet. He would say things to make Roxas laugh, shiver, and lose his mind over. He would also always ask what Roxas wanted, which continually dulled his lust and made him uncomfortable. Roxas wasn’t accustomed to being asked that, especially not where sex was concerned. He always said the same thing, ‘Whatever you want,’ because it was the safe answer; it was the comfortable shield to hide behind, because if he told Axel what he actually wanted, and Axel didn’t like what he heard… well, it wouldn’t ever happen. Roxas was going to be for Axel whatever Axel wanted him to be, and that seemed to be the good-bottom-fuck-boy of Axel’s dreams. The way Axel carried on about his ass made Roxas seriously doubt that Axel ever wanted anything else. And it was fine because Roxas was Axel’s boyfriend now. He would do whatever Axel wanted because that’s how relationships worked. At least they didn’t use condoms for blowjobs anymore, so that felt like a massive victory to Roxas.

Generally speaking though, Roxas was fine and happy with the state of their affairs. That was until the court date loomed close at hand again. Nerves started bubbling up. Sex didn’t take the edge off, so Roxas felt himself getting more despondent. He tried to fight it but lacked the energy to do so.

Axel commented on it, Roxas acknowledged that he was starting to freak out again, but when asked what he needed from Axel to make things easier, he didn’t know how to ask to be left alone. He agreed when Axel made suggestions about going out more. He agreed to have sex in the mornings and evenings – that at least did distract him for however long it lasted before both of them came. It turned into Roxas’ favorite way of dealing with his problems. It took the edge off and made him comfortably numb for a few minutes after.

But once that was over, he was left fretting over seeing Vanitas again, agonizing over how the court proceedings would go, and brooding over how he would ever make money to support himself. They were going to run out of free things to do eventually. The bars’ in the city only had so many trivia and karaoke nights, after all.

The answer to his worries seemed to be dumped on him whilst they were heading over to Organization 13 a couple of days before the court date. Apparently, Axel’s boss wanted to see him, and when asked if Roxas wanted to tag along, he didn’t refuse, so they ambled down the street, not hand-in-hand, as Axel was talking rather animatedly about his boss, Marluxia.

“Oh, hey, Rox, I’m gonna stop by in here and buy some stuff to butter Marly up with. You want anything?” He pointed at a bakery they were passing.

“No, I’m all good.”

Roxas waited for Axel, who came back out of the shop with a literal basket of sweet baked goods.

“Woah, that’s some hefty bribery you’re engaging in.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know what Marly’s thinking, so I figured I’d buy two of most things. Whatever Marly won’t eat, I know the girls will love polishing off.” He grinned and dug into the basket, pulling a pastry out, “Here, a cinnamon roll for my sweet, personal cinnamon roll.”

Roxas took it with a roll of his eyes and a smile, “Thanks.” He tentatively began eating it after Axel pulled out a donut and began eating that while they resumed their stroll to the bar.

“Oh, before I forget,” Axel dug around the basket again, producing a card this time, “that bakery’s looking for part-time workers. There was a notice in the store. I talked to the owner and she said no experience is needed. She’d be happy to train you up if you wanted to try it out. I thought that might be good for you after the court stuff’s all done. Get a bit of cash happening until you figure out what you wanna do.”

Roxas’ stomach churned. He took the card and pretended to look at it. “Thanks, Axel,” he murmured.

“No? You don’t sound very keen.”

Roxas was so ungrateful. Axel was just trying to help. It wasn’t like he was trying to shape Roxas’ life trajectory. Why couldn’t he shake the Vanitas comparisons? He plastered on a toothy smile, “Oh no, I’m super excited… well, I would be if I wasn’t thinking about what’s going to happen in two days’ time. Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll give them a call next week.”

“Okay, awesome. I’m feeling excited about you getting a job somewhere. It’ll help you feel like you’re contributing to the relationship. And if that one doesn’t pan out, I’ll help you look for other jobs. Depending on what happens with Marly, I’ll ask him if maybe he’s got a job for you, or if he knows anyone who might need some help.” Axel kept talking, feeling more enthusiastic the longer he went on. Roxas, however, not so much.

They arrived at the bar eventually. Roxas opted for staying outside, saying he’d walk to the park which was two blocks away and asked for Axel to meet him there when he was done with his business. Roxas threw the cinnamon roll away, not having managed more than a few nibbles of it.

He found a bench to sit on, under the shade of a tree. The summer heat was prickling and intense, but a breeze blew, taking some of the edge off. Roxas took out the business card and actually looked at it now. He wanted a job; he shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Roxas kept telling himself that there was nothing malicious about this suggestion from Axel. There was no ulterior motive or dastardly plan. But… there would always be a but. There would always be doubt. Roxas didn’t want to and couldn’t afford to get into the same trouble he had been in before. So, it stood to reason that he couldn’t be picky about what he did to make some money. A job where no experience was needed was definitely what Roxas required since he had no experience to speak of.

He turned the card over in his hands. _Dammit_ , if only it hadn’t come from Axel. Roxas hated himself for doubting Axel. He hated being reminded of Vanitas. He hated that he still thought about Vanitas and wondered what he was doing – if he missed Roxas – if he still thought—

A loud noise on the other side of the road drew Roxas’ attention away from his grumbling thoughts. A woman was struggling with getting a pallet of boxes out of a van. Roxas got up and crossed the road to help, desperately needing a distraction from his mind sinking into a torturous quagmire.

“Hey, you need a hand?” he called out as he came into earshot.

The petite woman’s brunette ponytail and curled bangs bounced as she swiveled her head, looking for the source of the voice. Bright viridian eyes widened, and a smile grew as she spotted Roxas approaching, “Yes, actually. I’m just trying to get my stock out of the van.”

“Let me help.”

“Thank you so much, ah—”

“Roxas,” he smiled and held out his hand.

“Aerith,” her voice tinkled with joy over having received some help and she shook his hand with warmth and confidence.

Roxas spent ten or so minutes getting sealed boxes and potted plants out of the van and onto a cart, which Aerith then wheeled into the floral boutique she had bought and was going to open soon. Roxas followed her inside, helping to unpack and unbox.

Aerith was very amicable and expressed polite interest as they exchanged simple biographies regarding what had led them to meet at this point in time. Aerith worked at the city’s botanical garden, which Roxas excitedly enthused to her about, as he had just visited the place two days ago with Axel. Roxas discovered that Aerith grew all her own plants at home. She had a dream to open up a giant greenhouse and nursery one of these days, and that this small shop was hopefully going to lead towards that dream of hers.

When Aerith asked about Roxas’ life he told her… well, a fair amount, for being a complete stranger. He told her about some of the troubles with his ex, and that a court hearing was scheduled. He told her about Axel taking care of him but that he also really wished he could look after himself. Aerith came right out and offered Roxas a job. She offered to train him up in how to make various bouquets. All she needed from him was to be reliable in manning the shop, possibly do some online promotion, manage orders, and possibly do deliveries.

Roxas was incredibly stoked by this turn of events. He took her business card and told her he would be in touch. He regretted not having a phone at that moment. He regretted having nothing personal set up for himself to give to her and decided he was going to remedy this.

By the time he left Aerith’s boutique, the city had grown busier with people commuting from work to home. Panic set in as Roxas suddenly realized how much time had elapsed. It was already an hour-and-a-half since he had left Axel.

His heart began racing, his palms grew sweaty. The memory of gruff hands on him made his skin crawl and his stomach churn. He dodged traffic as he hurried across the street to get back to the park. The sun was starting to get low, but it was nowhere near dusk yet, so visibility was still good. Roxas looked around the park, desperate to see bright red hair. He looked and looked. Finally, he spotted a figure walking out from behind a block of buildings at the center of the park. He ran towards Axel, as fast as his legs could carry him, while his mind screamed at him for being such an idiot. It hollered at how mad Axel would be and he fought against the tears.

His feet pounded over the grass, his breath rasped. He saw Axel looking around and on spotting Roxas, his name was shouted, and Axel began jogging towards him. A few moments later their bodies clashed, and they embraced. Roxas huffed heavily against Axel’s chest while kisses rained down atop his head.

Axel’s arms gave a warm hug. Hands gently rubbed over Roxas’ back. “Where’ve you been? I’ve been like… walking around for forty-five minutes looking for you.” Axel thankfully didn’t sound angry, but he did sound very concerned.

Still huffing, Roxas stepped back a little and looked up at Axel. Their hands linked together, and Axel didn’t feel hard or agitated. Roxas felt the fear and panic drain away. “I’m so sorry. Time got away from me. I was helping a lady unpack her van. She’s opening up a flower shop over there,” Roxas pointed behind himself. “We got to talking and… I just completely lost track of time. I’m so sorry.”

Axel sighed with relief. “Well, I’m glad you’re all right. But this is why you need a phone.” A brief smile flashed under still slightly worried eyes.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’ll look into getting a job next week and then a phone.”

Axel’s face lit up. “Oh, good. So, you really were warm about the idea of going to the bakery. Awesome. I was a bit worried.”

Roxas felt uncomfortable. “Yeah, ah, so what did Marluxia say?”

“Oh, yeah,” Axel held out his hand, and Roxas took it, starting them off on their walk home. Axel explained that Marluxia wanted to know what had been happening with Axel the past three weeks. They also spent some time discussing Axel picking up a more managerial role at the bar. That news had Roxas as excited as Axel had been about the offer.

Axel spoke about how this was a huge step in the right direction for his dream of having his own place, and when they got home, they pulled down Roxas’ drafted floor plan of their bar and discussed and daydreamed long into the evening.

Roxas wasn’t sure about much these days, but he was certain that he still really liked the sound of having a place all their own in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not apologise for Yoshi. No. Never in a million years. It was a moment of true inspiration. I stand by that.
> 
> The big day is coming up, guys. I hope you are all looking forward to it with excitement and maybe mild trepidation.


	19. Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day is finally here. Roxas has to face Vanitas and all his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta didn't beta this so if you see any gross mistakes I take full responsibility 😅

The closer the amended court date got the denser this heavy, indescribable feeling grew; like a weed it tangled into every facet of Roxas’ life, touching, strangling, and sucking energy and hope out of him. He wanted it to be over. He was trying to find the same love and happiness in Axel's touch like before. Because before Roxas had been pretty blissed out of his mind… when he didn't think about it… when he didn't allow himself to be quiet. 

But now, on the very dawn of the dreaded and sought after day, his world steeped in a deafening quiet, which made him hear – and actually _amplified –_ the doubts and aches he had been holding deep within. Nothing Axel did shook him out of the uncomfortable feelings.

He paced around the small flat all morning. He couldn’t do anything else because sitting still caused an overwhelming sea of sick to rise up, out of his belly, and crush his lungs. He felt Axel’s eyes on him, heard Axel’s voice, but he couldn’t make out what the man was saying. He couldn't work the nerves out of his body. Almost neurotically he checked and rechecked that he had everything. In the end, Axel made Roxas listen by taking ahold of his hands, brushing his hair, kissing his cheeks, whilst whispering that everything would be all right. Axel’s presence gently incinerated some of the cotton wool strangling and clogging up Roxas’ chest and insulating his mind from any positive outside forces. Words which insisted they go for a long walk to the courthouse, instead of taking the bus, registered and Roxas nodded, with a strained exhale.

Axel was full of wonderful ideas. They headed off a full two hours before they needed to be there. The walk was good in putting Roxas’ misplaced energy to some use. It didn't do much to distract himself from his mind though. Thoughts raced, stacked, and jumbled into one another.

Things had moved way too fast. It had been nearly a month since Roxas had come to the conclusion that he had finally suffered enough. It has been three weeks since he had moved in with Axel, and now he was about to get the law on Vanitas’ ass. Almost eight years unraveled in the blink of an eye. He couldn't believe that it had come to this. 

His thoughts were consumed with seeing Vanitas again. He yearned to see him. He wanted to be forgiven. He wanted to say sorry. He wanted to know that Vanitas would always love him because he felt that a part of himself would always love Vanitas. But he didn't want to because of the guilt he felt over it. And there was a substantial amount of that. It knotted his gut, it turned his extremities ice cold and heated his insides uncomfortably. It bred deep shame and a self-directed hatred.

None of this had been fair on Axel. He had been caught up in Roxas’ relationship bullshit. Roxas felt so terrible about it all, so he was hell-bent on repaying Axel every opportunity he got, and since he had nothing but his body to repay him with… well, that was what he had done. Not that sex with Axel was all a currency. No. They were boyfriends, in love, devoted. So it didn't make Roxas a whore. They had genuine feelings for each other. That's what Roxas had been hammering home to himself after they had sex the last few days But Roxas couldn’t shut out the uncomfortable thoughts that swore at him and degraded him… mostly in Vanitas’ timbre. God, Roxas missed Vanitas’ voice. 

He winced against that awful thought and focused on needing to repay Axel. _Actually_ repay Axel. Because Axel was just wonderful. He had been incredibly generous with his time and begrudgingly enough his money – a fact which Roxas still kept careful track of. He would make things right because Axel deserved the best. Every day that Roxas woke up with Axel against him felt like a blessing. He wanted to give his boyfriend so much, but couldn’t until his plaguing self-doubts and worries could be put to rest. Roxas hoped that today would go a good way towards that goal.

They were ambling at a leisurely pace down concrete footpaths, along busy roads. He held on to Axel’s hand like it was a liferaft as the raging sea of his troubled thoughts battered against him with every step he took towards past. 

Over time his wildly racing heart began to settle and the world around him shifted into some sort of focus. He caught sight of passing foot traffic, his attention was seized by the way a gust of wind blew, and he even started catching the sound of birds happily chirping in the sunlight somewhere. He gave Axel a smile as they walked, and his heart melted at the gentle understanding he was met within the impossibly bright green gaze and the soft joy on Axel's strikingly beautiful face. Discoloration still sat around Axel's eye and cheek but it was nowhere as bad as it had been. In fact, Roxas probably only noticed it because he knew what had happened and what to look for. 

Roxas looked forward to the day all trace of Axel's run-in with Vanitas would vanish from Axel's face. Even the tiniest reminder of it made Roxas feel sick to his stomach. His heart ached because of the damage he had caused to both of the men in his life.

Those thoughts slipped away as Roxas walked along and gently bumped into Axel's side as they went. Roxas felt about ten times better knowing Axel was with him. He didn't feel alone anymore. He had always felt something deeply warm and comforting in the way Axel looked at him, even from those early-day-stares at Organization 13. For a brief moment, Roxas forgot to stress and worry and was able to hold a conversation with Axel. 

They talked about what they would do to celebrate at the end of the day. The consensus seemed to be a nice home cooked dinner and then, finally, a night of guilt-free sex, because on top of everything else Roxas still felt bad about how he had ended it with Vanitas. He looked forward to closing that chapter of his life and with it ridding himself of his doubts and worries.

Their talk and Axel's presence went a long way in settling Roxas. By the time they reached the courthouse, Roxas felt serene, thanks to Axel’s warmth and the soothing way his vocal cords strummed when he had started humming an indistinct song during their stroll. 

But then all of the calm ripped away upon entering the courthouse. It wasn’t the weird smell of presumably justice-induced fear-sweat staining the high ceiling halls. Nor was it the completely perplexing maze-like corridors that had confused them and had forced them to backtrack a handful of times. No. The thing that got Roxas right back to square one was the sight of Vanitas sitting on an uncomfortable looking metal chair by their courtroom door as they finally rounded the corner, and at last located their room.

Roxas stopped in his tracks, and Axel pulled to a halt. An indistinct mixture of feelings exploded inside of Roxas. Fear, regret, agony, and heartache were just some of the things Roxas could identify.

Cool, yet piercing hazel-yellow eyes stared unblinkingly at him. Vanitas wore a light gray suit with that stupid mustard-yellow tie Roxas always thought resembled baby poop. His hair was gelled back and he was clean-shaven and looked like a million bucks, despite the sullen expression on his face. Vanitas’ gaze fell to… Roxas jerked out of Axel’s supportive hand-holding, terrified of being caught out, petrified of bringing any more wrath onto Axel by the mere act of being seen touching him.

Axel looked between the two of them. He glanced at where their hands had separated. “C’mon Rox, let’s go sit back around the corner, by the water fountain.” Axel brushed against Roxas’ arm and made to move back around the way they came.

A surge of anger rose. Roxas felt fed up of living in fear. He grabbed Axel’s wrist and pulled him over to the wooden bench on the other side of the door leading to the courtroom where their hearing would take place. They sat on the bench. Roxas staunchly glared in front of himself at the opposite wall plastered in notices about legal matters and ignored Vanitas and anything he might think about Roxas.

Time passed and the population in the corridor ebbed and flowed, as courtrooms further down the hall emptied and filled. Roxas felt hyper-aware of Vanitas’ presence at the other side of the doorframe. He didn’t know what to do with himself. His hands gripped his knees, and his knuckles turned white. Axel’s warmth radiated at his side, providing some comfort. Roxas told himself to snap out of it and to make sure Axel wasn’t feeling uncomfortable or doubtful of his affections for him. So he willed his fingers to relax enough to be able to move his hand onto Axel’s thigh, which he did, and squeezed with far greater restraint than he was doing with his other hand on his own body, were fingernails dug in painfully. Axel’s hand encased his own moments later with all the warmth and gentleness that seemed to personify Axel’s very being.

Roxas continued to stare ahead of himself, reading the pamphlets he could see well enough from his position. Time trickled by in a slow and brutal way, exerting all its force on Roxas’ nerves. His leg shook nervously. His free hand went around his side to give himself a hug at times. Axel’s fingers stroked comforting patterns into the back of his hand.

Why was it taking so long? Should he go say something to Vanitas? Should he wait until after the hearing or speak to him now? Could he incriminate himself if he was just being polite? He didn’t know what to do. Roxas wanted to talk to him. He wanted to know that Vanitas was all right. He wanted to apologize for the manner in which he had left. He stole glances at his former life partner. Vanitas was busy on his phone like he always had been. Aside from that first glare, when Roxas had rounded the corner, there had been nothing else.

Roxas sighed, willing himself to relax with the outflow of air from his lungs. His mind swirled around checking to make sure he had all his paperwork in order and he ran through pretend conversations he was going to have with Vanitas.

After some time Roxas caught sight of a dark shape sitting down beside Vanitas in one of the other metal chairs lining that side of the hall. Quiet chatter began. Wide-eyed, Roxas stole more glances at the pair. “Is that… does he have a _lawyer_? Why does he have a lawyer?” Roxas whispered to Axel, who carefully looked over the top of Roxas’ head to where Vanitas and the stranger were sitting. 

“Fancy suit. Important looking briefcase. Yeah, he's probably a lawyer,” Axel whispered back and left a kiss on Roxas’ temple.

It soothed Roxas for all of two seconds. “Why’s he got a lawyer? This… he can’t fight me on this. Can he?” he uttered, looking to Axel for reassurance. Roxas had gotten himself a public defender because it had been recommended to not represent himself. The fact that Vanitas had shelled out money for a personal lawyer though…. Suddenly, he felt terrified. Was this why the court hearing had been postponed for a whole week? So Vanitas could get a lawyer sorted? He mentally re-checked what he had written in the affidavit and testimony. He went over all the evidence he had and cursed himself for not having more – for not having more eye-witnesses than Axel – for not having left Vanitas years ago.

He was too absorbed hating on himself and Vanitas to hear Axel’s attempts at soothing him. He barely registered the brush of the warm hand up his arm and the small massage Axel administered to the base of his neck.

The very instant the dark-clad stranger left Vanitas’ side Roxas was up, surprising himself and Axel. He took the three steps that separated him from Vanitas and got promptly punched in the gut by his feelings for the other man. That smile and cock of the eyebrow – so familiar and lovingly amused – made it feel like the bad stuff between them had never happened.

“I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me, _Roxas_.”

Roxas’ breath hitched, his stomach tightened over the ease by which his name left Vanitas’ tongue. His voice was so warm, homely, and comforting. Roxas wanted to nestle in Vanitas’ arms. He felt the tug-of-war between his heart's desire and his brains cold and admonishing logic. ‘ _No’_ , Roxas hissed internally. They had done this dance too many times before. This time things were different. This time they were at the precipice of the end. A defined bookend of their story and life together.

‘ _What’s the meaning—_ ’ His voice held no sound. He tried again, after a slight cough, “I want to tell you in person how sorry I am that it ended like it did between us.” _Dammit_. Roxas had wanted to lay into Vanitas about the lawyer situation.

Vanitas yawned and then stood up slowly, taking a few unhurried steps which left him standing before Roxas. “It would have been better if you had grown a spine before now and told me in person that you were going to leave, instead of running away like a little pussy. I was going to take us out to a nice restaurant. Do something special for you,” he leaned in and breathed against Roxas’ ear, “suck you off and let you cum in me.” He righted himself and shrugged his shoulders, “But you blew it.”

Once again a litany of emotions and thoughts whirled around Roxas’ head. Vanitas _always_ did shit like this. Not once could he just _be_ nice? He had to always play his dumb little games. Roxas tried to keep the tremble in check. He was sick and tired of this shit. Sick and tired of Vanitas. He actually laughed a little. How could he have harbored intimate feelings for the man? How could Axel not be his number one priority and resident in his heart? Roxas shook his head, smiling a little. He was done being angry at Vanitas. He was going to let it go and not feed the troll. “I'm sorry it came to this, but you just proved to me that us not being together is for the best. We've just changed too much to keep what we had.”

In true Vanitas fashion, he ignored all Roxas had just said. He looked behind Roxas, and as he spoke returned his eyes onto him, giving Roxas a hard golden stare. “You staying with _him_?” He pointed with his chin.

Roxas threw the briefest of glances over his shoulder, making out Axel’s towering shape, standing up, seemingly ready to pounce, but not making any moves to come forward.

“Where I’m staying and what I’m doing with my life isn’t your problem anymore.”

Vanitas gave a brash, cold laugh, and then abruptly stopped, giving Roxas a blank, uncaring stare as he said, “You're right about one thing. I _have_ changed too much. But _you?_ You're still the same scared, crying little boy I had to rescue _all those_ years ago. All you're doing is replacing me with someone else to rescue you.”

Roxas returned the hard stare and fought down the bristling anger threatening to cause him to yell, by clenching his jaw tightly. He took a second to inhale deeply and then said, “There's nothing I’m being rescued from.”

Vanitas’ hands went to his hips, which he cocked. Breezily, and almost sounding bored, Vanitas stated, “Sure. Like we didn't have a mundane existence you wanted to escape from. You really think things will be better with _him_? They won't be, and you know _why?_ Because the problem has always been _you_ , and not me. When you realize your mistakes I'll still be around, but I don't think I’ll ever bother rescuing you again.”

Roxas tried to swallow so he could speak but his saliva felt too gluggy. He tried again, “—I don’t _need_ rescuing,” he got out with a grumbling low tone. Heat rose inside himself to an uncomfortable degree. 

“As if you don’t. You’d never have left me if you didn’t have your two-bit knight in cardboard armor to run to. You know he fights like a girl? Couldn’t even lay a single punch on me. Pathetic.” Vanitas rolled his eyes.

Roxas’ hands clenched into fists, trying to restrain himself. “Axel is a million times better than you, that’s why he didn’t hit you. He’s not playing your stupid games. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t hurt, he doesn't say shit to bring me down. He respects me, and cares for me. He—”

“Have you been fucked him?” Vanitas snapped, still looking massively indifferent and tilting his head to the side a little.

Roxas startled a little at that. He regained his composure in several seconds, “That’s none of your business.”

Vanitas laughed with no mirth. “I think it is. Didn’t your _dear_ , _sweet, gay, bartender_ _Axel_ , who _respects_ you,” Vanitas spat with contempt, “tell you what I told him?”

Warning bells went off in Roxas’ head. He silently screamed at himself to leave. To go back to Axel and not give Vanitas the satisfaction of screwing with him. But he stayed. Curiosity was the devil and his heart wasn't ready to end it here just yet. His feelings for Vanitas were an eternal hell. “What did you—”

Vanitas laughed louder, this time seeming genuinely amused. “Oh, he _didn't?_ Wow! This is great! I should have brought some popcorn. Please, continue to uncover what a deceitful pair of cheaters you two are.” He wiped at his eye as if he was tearing up.

“W-what didn't he tell me?” came Roxas’ cautious and small voice. He looked back at Axel, who wore a ‘ _I’m gonna kill that guy’_ kind of a glare. Instantly Roxas’ head swiveled back to look at Vanitas. Clearly, something had happened. Vanitas wasn’t just saying untrue shit for once.

A self-satisfied smirk settled on that cold and calculating face. “Oh, but I told your _beloved Axel_ to tell you, so he might as well do it.” Vanitas stared at Axel, a smirk sitting on his face and eyes half-lidded.

Roxas’ heart thumped away and there was a light high-pitched buzzing in his ears and some dark speckles around his vision. He turned to Axel, mouth hanging open. He felt unable to form words right now.

Axel wore a frown. He looked at the uninteresting linoleum floor. His nose wrinkled and then he finally looked up. “He said it wasn’t over between you two until…” Axel huffed, “you told him to his face.”

 _Not… over_? Roxas stared and the words washed over him, bringing with them a terrible, uncomfortable, sickening feeling. “He… you—” Roxas felt violently ill.

Axel took a step towards Roxas and in a low murmur said, “Rox, I asked you… remember? You said you considered the two of you done, so why’s it matter?” Axel reached out to touch Roxas’ hand, but Roxas yanked his arm away and took a step back… and right into Vanitas.

A warm arm snapped around Roxas’ hips, pulling him close against Vanitas’ body. Warm breath blew against the shell of Roxas’ ear. “You two totally deserve each other,” Vanitas whispered and chuckled.

Roxas’ whole being trembled from outrage, shock, disgust, and… _pleasure?_ He missed Vanitas. He wanted to be hugged by him, to have the past bad feelings be expunged between the two of them. The feel of him against his back was… so familiar. His heart _ached_. Axel was right before him with a look of horror on his face and his hand still reaching for Roxas.

“Let go of him!” Axel snapped, grabbing Roxas’ wrist and yanking him away and behind himself, which broke whatever spell Roxas had become paralyzed by.

Roxas’ fingers flexed. Axel's strong hold burned against his skin. Roxas’ heart raced and white noise rose and filled his ears, drowning out whatever Vanitas was saying. Roxas was aware of Axel in front of himself, shielding, protecting… but also keeping him from Vanitas. Axel seemed to almost buzz with tension. Roxas could feel it as he was pressed to Axel’s back. He peeked out from behind the man and felt the heated, fiery, muffling of Axel’s voice through his body, in response to Vanitas’ poisonous words.

“——terms——changed——it’s——court——over.” Vanitas’ smirk broadened. He bent slightly at the waist, leaning towards Roxas. “Have——cheating on——” Amusement continued to light Vanitas’ face and an eyebrow cocked with self-satisfaction.

Axel pulled Roxas further behind himself and then responded with something, but Roxas still couldn’t hear it. His head was filled with the weeks of doing things with Axel… to Axel… having Axel do things to himself… it all flashed before his mind’s eye, making Roxas’ stomach hard and uncomfortable. Vanitas had considered them _together_ while Roxas had… with Axel…. His limbs felt like frozen ice blocks. He had no words. He wanted to run away and hide. He didn’t want to be here, caught between the two men who held his heart and were threatening to rip him apart. 

The buzzing of courtroom ambiance suddenly replaced the white noise in Roxas’ ears as he took a breath he had abstained from taking for too long.

“You’re still _mine,_ Roxas,” Vanitas’ words assaulted him and that smile was sickeningly self-satisfied. _“Fuck off._ He doesn't want you. Tell him, Rox,” Axel snarled, biting rage in his words.

Roxas suddenly huffed and jerked free of Axel's hold. A storm of outrage smashed through him. He was done! He was so fucking done with this shit. He stepped out from behind Axel and stopped right before Vanitas. “You can't do that. You can't dictate if we're in a relationship if I don’t wanna be,” Roxas snapped. Vanitas couldn't… _right_?

“You should ask yourself why Axel didn’t tell you. So much for _respect_.” Vanitas leaned in again, tickling Roxas’ ear with his breath. Vanitas’ scent filled Roxas up completely with bittersweet agony. “He just wants that tight little ass of yours. He’ll get tired of you, like I did.” A kiss was pressed to the back of Roxas’ ear, making him shudder with pleasure and disgust and then Vanitas stepped back.

Cold, sick, dread ran down Roxas’ back and desire pooled in his gut. He knew Axel wasn't like that. He knew Vanitas was… being Vanitas, but… what if…. He suddenly felt used and dirty - by Vanitas. By… Axel. Desire gave way to a sick, heavy tightness in his abdomen. 

A hard finger on his chin forced his mouth shut, which had drifted open. “Stop looking at me like that, you’ll make me miss your tongue.” Vanitas cocked his head towards Axel, “Have you experienced it yet? Why’m I even asking. Of course you have. He’ll suck on you at the drop of a hat. Which is fine, 'cause he’s got the perfect little mouth, doesn't he,” Vanitas winked.

An indignant, guttural, and deep roar sounded. That was all the warning Axel let out before he lurched forward, arm stretched out, making ready to grab at Vanitas. Roxas whirled around, palms of his hands hitting against Axel’s chest, halting the outraged man and exerting great force to keep Axel away. Roxas’ face felt like a heated furnace. Embarrassment didn't even begin to cover what he was feeling. The tightness, which had started at his core, radiated outwards and started a tremble through his body. He pushed against Axel, gave him a steely look and then turned, pressing his back to Axel’s chest, protecting his boyfriend from giving Vanitas _exactly_ what he wanted. Axel was so mad, and Roxas felt it within himself too – the broiling outrage. He tried to find the words. They had to be the right words… but… “I—You—… How _dare you_ talk about me like that! How fucking _dare_ _you_ get a lawyer to pretend to be innocent after _all_ you’ve _ever_ done. You… you… slimy, self-centred—” 

“Zip it, sweetheart. What did I tell you, Axel. That mouth’s only good for one thing.” Vanitas smirked.

Roxas went wide-eyed and Axel didn’t even have a chance to get incensed because Roxas snapped, thrusting his arm out and grabbing Vanitas’ suit lapel, pulling the man close to himself. Roxas seethed with a clenched jaw. He snarled, “I hate you!” and he raised his arm and clenched his fist.

“Do it. Have some balls and fucking _do it_ ,” Vanitas egged on, cold and calculating.

Roxas did. He went to throw a punch but—got stuck. He shot a look back at Axel who held Roxas’ forearm with great force.

Vanitas chuckled, sending Roxas’ eyes snapping back at him where he saw a sultry smirk and the tiny protrusion of his tongue flicking over lips. “Now that's sexy,” Vanitas rumbled and Roxas completely flushed.

Doors opened, drawing everyone's attention towards it. People and noise flooded out. Roxas was pulled backward, towards their side of the doorway, and Vanitas stepped back as well and was almost instantaneously joined by a dark suit at his side, who pulled him further away and down the hall. Roxas was still seething, trembling, and shook up. Warmth clasped over Roxas’ shoulder, maneuvering him back a little further, and out of the path of the hoard of people exiting the courtroom.

The tension which had coursed through every muscle of Roxas’ body, as he had been poised to strike, suddenly evaporated. Roxas lost sight of Vanitas, but his embarrassed outrage persisted.

“What a fucking piece of work.” Axel exhaled. “Don’t let him get to you. He’s just stirring you up,” Axel said, in a what-would-usually-have-been a soothing timbre to his voice.

But Axel only managed to bristle and agitate Roxas further. Betrayal blew through him. The electric pulse which coiled and tensed his muscles returned. He rounded on Axel, seething. “ _Stirring me up?”_ he snapped through grit teeth.

Slightly wide green eyes carried a message of panic and fear. It snuffed out Roxas’ anger, leaving him frazzled and embarrassed. He turned away, facing the crowd that was still, though now more sparsely, exiting the room. His actions and reactions made him feel… foolish, idiotic, … _ashamed_. He jerked out of the normally loving and caring touch on his shoulder. Right now it disgusted him. He didn’t want to feel Axel on or next to him. Roxas stayed focused on the people shuffling past them. “Of course I know what he’s doing. I'm not an idiot. Do you think I'm an _idiot?_ Is that why – is that why you didn't tell me?” He cursed himself for the way he sounded – way too affected by everything and like a little child, whining.

“No. _No_. Just stay calm and—”

It had the opposite effect. “ _Calm_?” He rounded on Axel again, craning his neck to look up at him with ferocity. “You didn’t _tell_ _me!”_ he almost shrieked with anger, thrusting the palm of his hand against Axel’s shoulder. Feeling angry was preferable over embarrassed upset. He almost didn't hear Axel's very quiet, “ _I'm sorry,_ ” over the ambient sound of the courthouse, and the rush of blood thumping away in his ears. 

He didn't want to be soothed. He didn't want to forgive. So he dodged out of the affectionate touch that Axel was aiming for as his hand went to Roxas’ forehead, to brush the hair from his eyes like he always did. Roxas was about to slap Axel's hand but— 

_“Roxas Shaw?”_

His name delivered by an unfamiliar voice disoriented him and pulled him out of the building eruption of high-strung emotions. He looked around, seeing a woman with dark brunette hair approaching. She wore a form-fitting dark suit and carried a briefcase in hand. He turned towards her. “Yes?”

“Hello,” her hand extended and they shook. “My name is Tifa Lockhart, and I’ll be your public defender for the hearing today. If you have any questions or concerns please ask me and I’ll do my best to answer them for you. We’ll be going in shortly. You have all your copies and original documents with you?”

“Yes.” Roxas looked around. Axel handed him his folder. “Thanks.” He was going to be mad with Axel later. Right now this needed to be sorted out though.

* * *

 

The hearing wasn't over as quickly as they had hoped for. Neither had it been as cut and dry as just being about a standard restraining order. Vanitas had pleaded ‘no consent’ to the charges laid against him. His lawyer made amendments and counterclaims regarding ‘loss of business revenue’ and ‘damage to property,’ as well as ‘theft of property.’ 

Axel had to restrain Roxas to stop him from being charged with ‘contempt of court’ when the stolen property was revealed to be Cheshire. 

Roxas glared death and daggers at Vanitas, who sat on the other side of the room, looking – from an outsider's perspective – very blasé about the whole thing. But Roxas knew the smug gloat when he saw it.

“I'm going to murder him. I'm gonna fucking _murder him_ ,” Roxas paced and fumed after the hearing had been adjourned for another date due to Vanitas rejecting the charges. Tifa had advised him against talking so loudly and discussed with him what to do next. Axel had just stood at the sidelines, not knowing how to be helpful.

By the time the men left to go home, Roxas had a better idea of what needed to be done until the court date, scheduled for a little over two months from now. He was still stewing and fuming, cursing Vanitas’ name aloud and under his breath. Axel wanted to touch him in order to offer up some comfort but every time their fingers brushed he received a death glare.

Axel got that Roxas was _super_ pissed off about the shit Vanitas had said before the hearing and was now _even more_ pissed off after the hearing. He wished that Roxas hadn't gone to talk to Vanitas. Axel kicked himself for not having told Roxas about the bullshit Vanitas had told him in the alley. He wondered if he could blame his concussed state. Surely he could milk his condition for some sympathy or at least leniency. But the venom in Roxas’ eyes said otherwise.

They got to their apartment. The door closed behind them and, thankfully, the little jingle of a bell delayed Roxas’ fury while he cuddled his cat and told her that she had been declared property and that Vanitas wanted her back. He then swore and cursed over that for the next five minutes straight. He ranted and raved at no one, in particular, insisting that his name _had been_ on the ownership papers – wherever those had gotten to.

Axel got them both some water, set glasses down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. He waited for the ranting to end and the fury to be redirected at himself because it would eventually happen.

Roxas kept stomping around, talking and occasionally shouting to himself, spewing a waterfall of colorful expletives, pulling at his hair, clenching his fists open and shut, and just stomping, and stomping, and huffing, and puffing. Axel’s pulse raced a little at the sight. He felt uneasy and truth be told, a little unsafe in his own apartment. He had never seen Roxas that angry before. He had never felt intimidated by Roxas before. He didn't think he ever wanted to feel this way or see this ever again. But something told him he would get a close and personal view of the billowing rage again very soon.

Axel didn't blame Roxas for the agitated state. Vanitas had said awful things, and that had just been the stuff he _had_ overheard. He loathed to think what extra hurtful things the man had whispered to Roxas. Axel wished he had a time machine so he could have dissuaded Roxas from speaking with the slimy worm, or so he could have done more than just stand back and watch as it had all unfurled.

A fierce shout of rage and frustration pierced Axel's ears, making him jump. Roxas stood by the window and let out a deep huffing breath. He dropped Cheshire to the ground gently, after having spent the whole 20 or so minutes picking her up and setting her down constantly. He now stomped over to Axel, wearing a disgruntled scowl. Axel clenched his jaw and his pulse thrummed deep in his gut as he watched Roxas stalk towards him like a dangerous animal.

Roxas huffed some more, giving Axel the briefest of glances and sunk down onto the couch next to him. Roxas held his head in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees as he cradled himself.

Axel wanted to touch Roxas. He wanted to soothe him somehow but didn't know how. He still felt on edge. The fear that any sort of movement might upset and reignite Roxas was very real. The two men sat in silence for a while. Axel felt stiff as a board.

“What a shitstorm,” Roxas mumbled eventually, the steam apparently having been sufficiently vented.

Axel cautiously said, “Yeah. Didn't expect him to drag this out.”

A shrill laugh sounded next to him, spiking his heart-rate with a start. Then Roxas suddenly spoke, “I should have. I should have known he wouldn't take this lying down. I can't believe it. After the evidence – that he _still_ gets some control over this?”

“Hey, at least we got a temporary restraining order on him to cover us until the next court date.” It had been better than nothing and Axel had savored the look of irritation on Vanitas’ face a great deal.

“Yeah,” Roxas let out along with a tired sigh.

Axel leaned against Roxas and he raked his fingers against Roxas’ forearm.

Roxas shot up, rounding on Axel and shoving against his shoulder with the palm of his hand. _“You!”_ he screamed, towering over Axel. “What the hell, man! What did Vanitas tell you? Why didn't you tell me? What the _hell_. What else did he say that you're not telling me?” The hot anger fizzled and by the end was mostly a desperate and pained whine.

Axel worked on keeping his cool so he could try to explain. “Please sit down and we'll talk.” He reached for Roxas, taking and tugging at a trembling and fisted hand.

Roxas yanked free with a sharp, “Don't!” but mellowed out in another second. A pained look crossed his face and he bit at his lip before he sank down next to Axel and stared at his clenched hands in his lap. “So talk,” he muttered.

Axel chewed the inside of his cheek and rubbed at his head. A part of him had completely forgotten about Vanitas’ stupid words – and the other part had chosen to ignore it. “That evening in the alley he confronted me about you. He wasn't happy that you had left and said that the letter wasn't good enough. He said he wanted to hear it from you that it was over before he accepted anything.” Axel wrung his hands together a little. “He said so much _shit_. Shit that was supposed to hurt you and me and that thing about you needing to tell him in person was just another one of those things.”

Roxas gave Axel a disgruntled glare and his jaw clenched. 

Axel felt himself deflate. He felt… ashamed. It burned in his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn't think anything of it other than him being full of bullshit vengeance. He wanted me to tell you so it would hurt you, and he wanted to hurt _us._ I didn't and don't wanna hurt you, and I thought you wouldn't take it seriously, so, I… kept my mouth shut, and things got hot and I was concussed and I kinda forgot about it.” He gave a sheepish smile hoping to be endearing but the discomfort in his gut only made bile rise in his throat.

Anger seemed to fizzle out of Roxas’ face. Some of the tension melted. His eyes trailed over the slight off-color around Axel's cheek and eye. The swelling was a long distant memory and even the jaundice yellow and seasick green were hardly noticeable anymore. Axel hardly even noticed… but he knew that Roxas still saw it like it was fresh.

Roxas’ expression hardened again. “Who are you to decide what's important to me? Don't you think I _know_ Vanitas? Don't you think I would have seen _straight through_ what he was trying to do?”

“Of course, I do think that.”

“Then why did you keep this to yourself?”

Axel huffed out a little. “Because despite you _knowing_ what his endgame was it would have still affected you. I wanted us to be happy together, and telling you that – telling you all the awful, disgusting things he said about… _us,_ ” Axel didn’t want to make Roxas feel singled out, “would have just made you feel awful. I wanted to protect you from that.”

Roxas struggle for a moment; his face contorted, his mouth opened and closed a few times and he hugged himself, which in turn made Axel want to hug him too.

“I’m such a fucking loser,” Roxas winced out eventually. “You know what a loser I am. You tried to keep me safe and I’m so ungrateful. Even him mentioning that stuff – bringing this stuff up… I’m falling for his bullshit again.” Roxas cradled his head in his hands once more.

A sharp stab went through Axel’s chest. He scooched over and wrapped himself around Roxas, hugging him tightly and refusing to let go even if Roxas made to wriggle out, which he did try half-heartedly, for all of five seconds.

“You’re not a loser,” Axel pleaded against Roxas’ hair. “You’re not wrong either. I should have told you. I don’t know what I was thinking – well, maybe a part of me _was_ letting Yoshi run the show.” Roxas made a small snorting sound and Axel smiled into Roxas’ hair, but it fell away again thinking about that night when he saw the horror in Roxas’ eyes in response to seeing Axel’s beat-up face. “You seemed so hurt and upset. I couldn’t bring myself to make you hurt more by telling you what he said. I’m really sorry. Really, truly sorry, Roxas. I’m sorry that you had to find out like this. I… I should have fucking manned up and told you before today. That’s on me, and I’m sorry it’s hurting you now. I don’t know what’s worse really. I guess it should never have happened. I should have taken responsibility and told you.”

“I don’t care what Vanitas thinks or says. I’m more hurt that you didn’t tell me,” Roxas mumbled quietly. “You want me to be honest with you but…”

Axel’s grip around Roxas softened a little. “But I couldn’t even be honest with you. I know… I’m a fucking hypocrite. I’m sorry. I’m gonna try to be better for you.” Roxas forcefully pulled out of Axel’s embrace, his hands slid onto and gripped Axel’s forearms. His wide eyes darted all over Axel’s face, searching for something.

The roaming stare made Axel uncomfortable. “What?” he asked with a slightly nervous laugh.

“You’re… gonna try and be better… for _me?”_

Axel nodded. “Yeah.”

“I—” Roxas’ words were swallowed up by a big grimace. He quickly threw his arms around Axel’s neck and hugged him. 

Axel returned the hug and breathed a sigh of relief. “Are we good again? All forgiven?” Axel asked when they pulled apart and looked at each other.

“Yeah, but… I’m so tired of thinking about this. So fed up of… all this shit and trouble he’s causing us,” Roxas bemoaned and looked thin and worn out. “It’s…” Roxas groaned and flopped himself backward onto the couch, his head hitting the armrest and his legs kicking up and laying across Axel's lap. He threw his arms over his face covering himself up. “Two months of this. I can’t. I just… can’t.”

Axel leaned against the back of the couch, propping his head up with an arm whilst stroking Roxas’ thigh through the fabric of his jeans. “Whaddya need to make it better? What can I do for you?”

Roxas groaned some more. “Nothing.” 

“No, c’mon. There _must be_ something you need or want.” Axel let his words hang and gave Roxas time to think while he let the crazy rush of the day fall out of himself. Axel thought he needed a long, hot soak in the bath. He could also use a 23-hour nap and maybe a burger as big as his head.

He couldn't get over how strong the urge had been to smash Vanitas’ golden-eyed, smarmy face in, and he was glad that Roxas had apparently shared the same sentiment. It made him laugh a little.

“What’s funny?” Roxas drawled, lifting an arm off his face and looked up and over at Axel.

“Oh… just thinking about how much I wanted to punch the shit outta Vanitas and how glad I am that you stopped me.”

Roxas huffed and a small twinkling smile lit his face. “I’m glad you stopped me too. I’m… glad you have my back.”

“I’m here for you. I want to give you whatever you need and want.” Axel gave Roxas a loving smile.

But his words seemed to make Roxas’ slightly warming mood fall away again. His smile vanished and his eyes turned up toward the ceiling.

“I can see you thinking. Can you share it with me?” Axel asked tentatively, squeezing Roxas’ thigh under his hand.

“Its… still really hard to talk to you,” Roxas labored. “I’ve got all these things in my head – in the back of my throat – I can’t… get them out.”

Silence fell. Roxas kept looking up at the ceiling and Axel looked down at Roxas’ body. He didn’t know how to help Roxas. It made him uncomfortable. He wished Roxas could just say things. He had never seemed to struggle before they got together. Axel remembered that Roxas telling him that he felt things were different now. But Axel hadn't wanted to believe him – had hoped it would just be a phase that Roxas would be able to snap out of. He sighed. He hated that it wasn't quite that easy. “I won’t get mad. Whatever you tell me, I won’t _ever_ get mad. I’ll just be here and listen to you until you can say the things that you need to say,” he murmured the only thing that came to mind at that moment.

A bit of a deep sigh sounded out of Roxas. Some more time passed. Cheshire softly jingled about the place, the refrigerator in the kitchen hummed, sounds of faint voices seeped in from the hallway outside of the flat, and then a slight hum was followed by, “I know it’s all in my head. I know the things I worry about… they aren’t real but… being with you… I don't know how to be with you.” Roxas took a deep breath, and continued, speaking softly, “I've only been with one guy my whole life. I don't know anything about relationships. All I think about is Van and how he wanted me to be. I don't want to upset you or be pushy, because I know that always annoyed him. And everything I said seemed to always annoy him, so…”

Axel wet his lips before speaking, “I don’t have a clue about relationships either, really. It’s not something I’ve ever done or been successful at. But… I’m so ready to learn with you, and I wanna learn _everything_ about you. And maybe the first thing I gotta learn is how to encourage you to be open with me. If that’s just me sitting here all night touching you,” he touched Roxas, sliding his hand up to Roxas’ hip, “tickling you,” he pushed his fingertips under Roxas’ shirt and tickled his belly, “kissing you,” he bent forward, lowering himself, placing a kiss on top of clothes right around where Roxas’ navel was, “then so be it. I want you to know I’m okay with whatever you throw at me, and I’ll _always_ be here for you. Even if it’s a whole lot of time spent saying nothing.”

Roxas just sighed and winced.

Axel lay his head down on Roxas’ chest in response and listened to the man's heartbeat below him. He focused on the rise and fall of Roxas’ chest as he breathed. It was soothing… until it wasn’t because of the miniature tremors running through Roxas. “Hey, quit that. ‘M tryin’ to relax here,” Axel teased.

Roxas shook harder and a laugh burbled out. “You’re serious about keeping me pinned here until I talk, huh?”

“Not pinning you… but,” Axel lifted his head and waggled his eyebrows at Roxas, “that does sound like an idea I’d be into.” He pressed a kiss to Roxas’ shirt and lay his head down again.

Roxas’ hands went to Axel’s head, where he stroked and brushed his hair, and then one of his hands slid down and fingertips traced along Axel’s cheekbone and jawline. Cheshire’s bell jingled in the distance for a while and then grew closer with time until she sprung up and nestled herself on Roxas’ lap. The three of them were a picture of perfect tranquility. Axel stroked Cheshire lazily and time ticked by. Axel would wait forever for Roxas if he knew it would help in some way.

Roxas sucked in a deep breath of air eventually heralding a response, “I still wish you had told me about Vanitas saying that stuff to you.”

Axel frowned. All that waiting for _this_? “Is that really what you were just thinking about?” Axel had serious doubts. He thought they had put that behind themselves already. 

“Yeah.”

Doubt still lingered, but he didn't want to accuse Roxas of lying to him because he couldn't be a hypocrite right now. “Do you think it would have made a difference to anything?”

Roxas’ fingers lightly danced over Axel’s hair and skin. Axel rubbed the side of his face against Roxas’ body, nuzzling him. 

“I'll never know for sure now,” Roxas muttered.

Axel frowned and tilted his head, looking up at Roxas. “Do you at least know how you feel about him now?”

Roxas’ face darkened with a frown. “I… did him wrong – despite everything he did to me I did him wrong. I’m no better than him. We were cheating. _I_ was cheating on him with you. _I_ made him…” Roxas grumbled and pulled a face like there was a bitter taste in his mouth. “I… _still_ feel for him. I’m sorry for what I did. I want him to be happy – but… not with me. I don’t want him with me anymore – ever.” Axel breathed out a sigh of relief. He had been worried for a moment there. He didn’t understand _how_ or _why_ Roxas still held an iota of warm affection for that dirtbag, but he took solace in Roxas’ determined words and the hard line his lips drew into. Axel rose, propping himself up on his arm which was wedged between the couch and Roxas. He was careful not to intrude on Cheshire’s resting position. Roxas looked up at him, expectantly.

“I want to ask you again… what do you need? What does Roxas Shaw need and crave right now? What does he need to make things better, to get himself back to equilibrium?” Axel smiled softly to distract himself from the ache in his heart and reached for Roxas’ face, which he stroked with his other hand.

Roxas looked at him quietly for a while. He pulled Axel's hand off his cheek but held it, playing with fingers as he rolled thoughts over in his head if the glazed-over, unfocused stare meant anything. He slowly began, “What I need… what I _want…_ ” he glanced at Axel, then his eyes darted away again and a long, drawn-out exhale followed.

“You can tell me. Please tell me,” Axel pleaded in a hushed tone.

“Y-you won't like it.” Roxas grimaced and his eyes darted nervously.

“I don't care. This isn't about me.” Axel chided and meant it with every fiber of his being.

Blue eyes snapped onto green. “God, Axel. Why're you so nice?”

Axel shrugged. He was a little upset that Roxas _still_ felt amazed by him just doing normal things. It never ceases to make Axel's heart bleed for the other man. “So out with it.” He tacked on a good-natured, toothy smile.

Roxas took a deep breath. “I need…” his face scrunched up and he turned his head to look away as he said, “alone time.” A heavy frown stained his brow and cheeks. “I haven't been on my own in such a long time. I haven't been able to just think of myself and what I want and how I am. I miss that. I miss knowing myself and—” Roxas stilled and his now-icy hand squeezed Axel’s.

Axel's stomach churned. He was all for supporting Roxas but did that support mean…. If it was it would be completely understandable, but… what about him? Where were his needs and wants in this equation? He hadn’t expected this. Man, everything suddenly got complicated. He kept his eyes fixed on Roxas’ profile; the burden of his request sitting there for the world to see. 

Axel’s eyes peeled off Roxas and began wandering and looking out across the room when it appeared evident that Roxas wouldn’t say any more. He looked at the pieces of joy that Roxas had brought into his life. The curtain was hanging up now, giving Axel’s abode a much more homely feel. Their penguins stood together on the bookshelf, loving each other despite the long separation. The blueprint of their future, hanging above the TV, still filled Axel with pride and an endless enthusiasm. And the jacket… so precious… a symbol of the love Roxas had _always_ held for him. Axel’s gut clenched. He couldn't let go. Not unless Roxas _really_ wanted to. Eyes settled back on Roxas, who looked forlornly at his and Axel’s fingers, as they continued to hold hands. “Do you want us to break up?” Axel’s voice cracked with the strain of saying those words.

Roxas’ eyes went wide and his head snapped back to look at Axel, “Huh? No. N-no, I don’t. Please don’t think that. I just…” 

“Want to be left alone.”

“For a little while. Is that okay?” Roxas asked, sounding hasty and unsure.

Despite the heavy feeling inside himself Axel also felt relief tingling and breathed a little easier. But a little tiny speck of resentment bubbled inside as well. He remembered Kairi’s words to him what felt like a lifetime ago. He hated admitting that she was right. “Of course it’s okay. You deserve time to be by yourself.”

“Really? You’re… not _upset?”_

“Nah. So how do you wanna swing this? I can go stay at a friends place. You can have my apartment all to yourself.”

“Oh no. No – I… can’t let you do that.”

“Sure you can. Dee owes me.”

“No. I—” Roxas grimaced.

The penny dropped for Axel at that moment. “Oh… you… when you say you want to be left alone… you mean you want to get out of here.”

Roxas’ voice creaked, he stammered, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please. I’m sorry. No, I’ll… stay. I’ll do what you want. I’ll s—”

Axel shushes Roxas gently, pressing his finger to his lips. “Let me talk for a second.” He looked down at Roxas, who looked close to tears. He dropped a kiss to Roxas’ chest, pushed himself upright, and very carefully slid his legs from underneath the other man, making sure not to disturb Cheshire as he got up. Roxas’ shimmering wet eyes stared after Axel as he walked over to the bookcase, picking up one half of their physical promise and came back with it. Kneeling down beside Roxas, Axel took Roxas’ hand and deposited the penguin onto his palm.

Roxas looked at it for a moment. Tears fell as he blinked and his wet stare turned toward Axel. “Why’re you giving this to me? I’m so sorry. Please – I’m sorry!” Roxas huffed, panicked and uncertain.

“It’s all right, babe. I’m not upset. I’m giving you the penguin because it's our promise to always find our way back to each other. I want you to go to wherever you think you need to go and have a rest. Recuperate, reassess, find you. And then waddle your cute little ass back to me.” Axel swallowed down the lump of sadness and gave his best smile.

Roxas stared, his mouth drifting open. A sob escaped moments later and more tears fell out as he blinked rapidly. “You’re… really okay with me leaving?”

“To be honest with you, no.” Axel hated how that made Roxas wince. He hastily continued, “But you just said you need to do this, so please do this. For yourself and us.”

Roxas chewed his lip. The penguin in his open palm was examined. Eyes drifted upward. “Axel—” Roxas sat bolt-upright and flung his arms around Axel's neck, squeezing and hugging him. Even a few kisses rained down.

Axel giggled with delight and a happy sob even snuck out. His eyes were wet, which he hadn’t realized. He wrapped his arms around Roxas and snuggled and savored Roxas’ happiness.

After some time the tight squeezes and butterfly kisses ended and Roxas scooched over, making room for Axel on the couch. Cheshire lept off and they quietly snuggle together in each other's arms. Axel held Roxas close, to stop himself from falling off the edge of the furniture, but also because he loved the other man so much and needed to savor every second he had left with Roxas now that a decision had been made.

“Thank you for understanding.” Roxas nuzzled against Axel’s cheek after some time.

Axel hummed and said, “Where do you think you'll go?” He hoped it wouldn't be too far away.

“Atlantica. I want to see my parents again, and my friends, and cousins,” he said, with no hesitation or room for thought.

Pain squeezed Axel’s heart. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while, huh?”

Roxas gulped and then with a very timid admittance said, “Yeah.”

Axel kept the sigh inside. He wished Roxas had been able to share these thoughts with him when they had first arisen instead of dumping this all on him now. “Cool. You gonna be okay getting there? I can lend you—”

“I'll talk to mom tomorrow if that’s okay. She'll give me money,” Roxas said hastily.

“Yeah, sure. That sounds good.” 

A wary smile sat on Roxas’ face. Axel plastered on a big grin to try and help make Roxas feel better. After a few more moments, Axel swallowed the lump that seemed to not want to leave his throat. “Um, Rox.”

Roxas hummed, “Yeah?”

“How long will you stay there for?”

“Oh, um… maybe… a week? Or two? Or… um…” his voice faded.

As terrified as he was of the answer Axel also needed to know. “How long do you _want_ to stay there for?”

“I… um… kind of… wannastayforamonth,” he mumbled, almost a whisper. “Or… more?”

Axel's heart sank but cheerfully enough he said, “Then do that.”

“What? _Really?_ ” Roxas’ eyes sprang wide open with surprise and he pulled back a little.

“Yeah, totally.” Axel chuckled, feeling far more entertained by Roxas’ comical reaction than distressed.

Roxas huffed out a breath of hair. He blinked and a small smile quirked his lips as if in relief. His eyes snapped up towards Axel a moment later though, “But what about you?”

Axel’s heart was gladdened over hearing Roxas starting to be concerned about him and what it would mean for him. “I'll be fine without you. Though I will miss you like crazy. Any way we can stay in touch? I mean – I'll leave it up to you to contact me but, it would be nice if I knew what to expect.” He was still hoping Roxas would let him buy a phone for him before he left.

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. Um. I've got your phone number, and I can find you on the internet. I'll be in touch and get myself sorted out with a phone and tablet and stuff. I'll be in touch. I’ll come back to you. I love you soo much, Axel!” Roxas pressed a kiss to Axel’s lips and squeezed him tight with affection.

Axel laughed into the kiss. Seeing Roxas happy made him feel incredible. Knowing he could help Roxas like this was the best feeling in the world. This whole scenario hadn’t been what he had hoped for, but he was sure that this would all be for the best, and once Roxas came back things would be perfect between them.

The kissing stopped, they looked at each other with broad, warm smiles and Axel said, “All right. So how about we get something to eat – because I’m _way_ too lazy to cook anything tonight – and you tell me all about what your plans are for your glorious return to Atlantics, huh?”

“Oh, yum! Take out! Yes, let’s do that.” Roxas’s grin was boundless and no trace of tears remained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's talk for a moment. This story originally ended here - but not like _this_. I did change a _lot_ of stuff after I decided to change the ending. But for context originally the story ended with Roxas being done with Vanitas. The restraining order was put on and Rox and Axel had their happily ever after. Roxas was still as tormented as he is in this final version - but I hadn't drawn it out so much or explored it in as much detail. It didn't feel right to end it here (even without the changes I made once I decided to keep writing). I didn't feel like they had gone through nearly enough to warrant them finding happiness. Roxas still had major hang-ups that needed to be addressed. And thus, I will give you the remaining half of this fic.
> 
> Remember how when I posted the first chapter I made mention that I was worried about you, my readers, jumping ship on me? Well, we are easing into that part in the story now. If you detest it... let me know. And I know I'm probably making it sound _really_ bad. I... don't _think_ it is... but at this point, I don't even know anymore.
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for the support.


	20. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas returns to Atlantica and his friends and family.

Something that would have taken weeks of negotiating, scheduling, and _rescheduling_ with Vanitas at the helm had only taken two days with Axel. _Two days_. And that was only because instead of accepting Axel’s offer to pay for the flight ticket upfront, Roxas had insisted on waiting for his mother’s money to clear into his bank account. It had all been a rush. It had all been too sudden. There had been a lot to arrange so Roxas had been kept too busy to focus on the reality of the fact that he was leaving Pensacola and going home to Atlantica… without Axel… without Cheshire.

Roxas shared a weird and bittersweet farewell with Axel at the departure lounge. There were kisses, and hugs, and more kisses, and more hugs. At that moment, Roxas didn’t understand why he was leaving – why he _made_ the choice to leave. The very fact that he had been able to make that choice without a single protest or hinderance out of Axel to sway his decision had been completely overwhelming. In fact, Roxas had _almost_ felt a little rejected, but the sting of that was forgotten in the light of Axel’s arms around him and murmurs of how much he loved and would miss Roxas. Axel kept smiling through his tears. Roxas tried to make this as easy on the both of them as possible.

“You’re a complete sap, you know that?” He gently punched Axel’s shoulder when they managed to untangle themselves from the tenth hug.

Axel wiped at his face and smiled. “Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Okay. But you have to stop looking so sad or everyone will know and then I can’t keep the secret for you.”

Axel wrapped Roxas up in another hug, squeezing tight while he chuckled low in his throat. “Okay. I’ll try to keep it in check.”

Roxas’ chest felt heavy. He had never seen Axel like this. It was completely foreign and surreal. Did he really mean _that_ much to Axel? Or was this just a game to keep him… Roxas frowned into Axel’s shoulder and let the thought go. “I’ll be back before you know it. You won’t even have a chance to miss me.”

Axel pulled away from Roxas a little. “Not true. I’ll never not miss you.”

“Axel,” Roxas huffed softly. He could barely look at Axel. He was too sweet. It was hurting _too_ much.

“I missed you as soon as you left the night of our first dance,” Axel continued, murmuring against Roxas’ ear and hugging him tightly once again.

The warm hand on Roxas’ face and the featheriest of kisses was too much for him. He had to leave before he broke down completely. He didn’t want to let Axel see him sad – he had seen too much of that to fill an entire lifetime. He needed to be strong for both of them now.

“I love you. I’ll be in touch.” He kissed Axel’s hand as he peeled it off his cheek. He avoided looking at Axel and turned away, heading for the gate where most of his co-passengers had already boarded. Roxas held it together, casting one final glance and a brilliant smile behind himself as he walked through the doors leading to his flight. Axel smiled back, waving and blowing kisses. Roxas passed through the final check and down the passage a little, chuckling to himself – because Axel was too cute – and then the mirth suddenly changed and turned into a painful sob. It shook out of Roxas, causing him to bend in half, clutching his stomach.

He was leaving, he was free, he was alone. It hurt so much. He gave a grotesque sniff and kept the hysterical wail – wishing to erupt – down to an agonizingly tight whimper.

“Sir, are you all right?” someone asked from behind.

Roxas nodded vigorously, wiped his face on his sleeve and resumed lumbering down the passage, on board the aircraft and to his seat.

Roxas drowned out the worries in his head and filled up the hollowness in his chest with in-flight entertainment and catnaps. Then, as he got closer to Atlantica, his mind started turning towards his family and friends, bringing with it excitement and joy he hadn’t felt in at least five years.

The plane landed safely and Roxas disembarked and made his way to the arrivals lounge, where he was met with an embarrassing amount of fanfare. There was a banner welcoming home ‘Pineapple Head,’ which was his cousin’s – and by association, his friends’ – favorite term of endearment for Roxas, given his love of the fruit on pizza and his hairstyle. He was caught up in a rush of hugs, laughs, and even a few tears, but before it got too bad and he could declare that he was going to take the next flight back to Pensacola, he was whisked away to the parking lot and pushed down into his cousin, Sora’s, beat up silver sedan.

He was wedged between Sora and Hayner, while Pence was in the driver’s seat, as Sora was far too excited to concentrate on such a trivial thing as road safety and getting them all to Roxas’ parents’ place in one piece. Naminé, Roxas’ other cousin, was also there and sat in the front passenger seat. It surprised Roxas to see her. She lived in Forrester with the rest of Roxas’ dad’s side of the family but had jubilantly said she had missed him so much that she had flown over just to see him. Roxas didn’t believe her but it was nice of her to pretend anyway.

The car ride was filled with excited chatter and his friends all grilled him on what he had been up to. Sora was the loudest, and Naminé the most astute, cutting through the crap and asking the hard-hitting questions as to why Vanitas wasn’t with him right now. The car erupted in cheers when Roxas admitted to having broken up with him.

“I can finally delete the jerk off my friend’s list,” Hayner breathed out in relief, causing the other occupants of the car to laugh and agree.

It mildly irritated Roxas, but he wasn’t very fazed by it. He knew how his friends and family had felt about Vanitas and their relationship. He had heard it for years and had ignored it successfully. That was one thing about Roxas – he was fiercely and stubbornly devoted, much to his own detriment in this case.

“What finally made you change your mind?” Naminé asked.

“Yeah,” Hayner leaned his elbow on Roxas’ shoulder. “Pence and I’ve been trying to get you to dump that grump for – how long now?” he directed at the driver.

Pence looked at them through the rear-view mirror. “Five years.”

“Five years. If your best friend didn’t manage it then what?”

Sora suddenly gasped like he hadn’t breathed in fifty years, “Ohmigosh, you met someone, didn’t you! Didn’t you! It’s gotta be love! Nothing is stronger!”

Roxas laughed and tried to loosen Sora’s death-grip on his arm. “What would you know about _love?_ Mister, ‘Too-busy-being-a-social-butterfly-to-have-a-relationship,’ huh?”

“I know enough by being an observer. So, who is _he_?” The bony elbow dug into Roxas’ side and Sora’s grin was blinding.

“Must be someone special to turn Pineapple away from the grump,” Pence said.

That’s what all of Roxas’ friends and family called Vanitas. Roxas hadn’t ever been able to dispute it either. Vanitas had always been sullen around Roxas’ relations. Probably another reason Roxas hadn’t pushed too hard for them to go visit his family and friends in all these years.

“Um—” he felt his cheeks turn red.

“Aww, Roxy. You really _did_ meet someone,” Naminé gently sing-songed, looking back at him from the front passenger seat.

He gave a little smile, wishing there was somewhere to hide. “His name’s Axel.”

A collective ‘Oooh’ was let out and then Sora briskly asked, “Last name?”

“Oh, um, Rutherford.”

“When did you meet him?” Naminé asked.

“More like _how_ did you guys meet? The grump never let you out of his sights,” Hayner corrected. “You couldn’t keep your own social media profiles, you couldn’t come over for birthdays and Christmases without him. Like how the hell did you meet anyone, _ever?”_

It was embarrassing how much Roxas’ friends knew. It was shameful that he had never listened to them. He couldn’t even recall how many excuses he had made up over the years to convince everyone around himself and _including_ himself that what Vanitas had done to him had been acceptable and completely normal. “When we moved, I had to leave first to get Cheshire settled in. That was back in February. I had some free time, so I went out clubbing.” Roxas felt undeniably tense thinking about it.

“Why did you move so suddenly? It was a really big shock to… well, everyone really,” Naminé kept drilling down.

Roxas’ stomach dropped to his knees and his chest felt way too tight. But before he was faced with giving an answer Sora announced with immense excitement, “Oooh! Is _this_ him? Please say this is _him,”_ Sora shoved his phone in Roxas’ face, apparently having found Axel’s profile. “He’s really hot.”

“Let me see,” Naminé made a grabbing motion at Sora, who handed her his phone. She also dragged out a very pleased sounding hum and then showed Pence, who took a quick peek while he drove, giving a big nod and approving smile, saying, “He looks kind. I like kind people.”

Roxas could feel the embarrassed flush working over his face and pooling deep in his gut, which was located at the bottom of his feet now. Roxas had stared at that profile picture for far too long in the early days of their… whatever it was they had been doing together. Tender thoughts, however, left him when Sora said, “He’s definitely an improvement over grump-face. I told you he wasn’t any good for anyone.”

“You definitely did,” Hayner verified.

“I always tell you guys I have a superpower. I hope you can all learn from Roxas’ mistake of not listening to me and take me more seriously next time.” Sora took his phone back and held it out to Hayner.

Hayner accepted and took it, saying, “Jury’s still out on that one, Sor. A blind man could see that the grump was never good—”

Roxas wrinkled his nose up in irritation. “I want you all to stop talking about Vanitas like that. Don’t call him names. Don’t talk about him at all,” Roxas _almost_ snarled.

Sora drew away a little and one by one a chastened murmuring, “Sorry,” sifted through the interior of the car. For the first time, the car was filled with silence. The drone of the tires on the road filled the cabin for a while, giving Roxas some space for his head to cool off.

He still felt defensive of his relationship with Vanitas. No one else had the right to say things about it but himself… and Axel. A part of Roxas also really didn’t want to be reminded. He wished he could forget.

“So,” Sora drew out. Roxas cast his eyes up at his cousin to see an eager grin begin to spread and his eyebrows rise comically high. Sora pointed at his phone, which he took back from Hayner and flashed the screen at Roxas. “That’s him… _right?”_

It broke Roxas’ budding bad mood. He nodded and huffed with a small laugh. “Yeah.”

Sora whooped, and compliments sounded from the two seated in the front of the car.

“A redhead. You into gingers now? Guess it’s an improvement,” Hayner muttered.

“I – well, I… it’s not _just_ his looks,” Roxas uttered under his breath, not liking all this attention on himself.

Sora did some intense tapping and swiping on his phone. “Of course, our Pineapple doesn’t _just_ go for looks. Axel works at a bar… huh—likes glam rock—ooh, look, Pineapple, he likes the page for Voidshock! Remember that?” Sora shoved the phone back in Roxas’ face to make a point. “I swear we were _obsessed_ with that show during middle school. Now I feel like watching it again! So you see, they have, like, heaps in common. Don’t you!” Sora stated.

“Y-yeah. We do.”

Sora’s eyes were on his phone again. “Well, I completely approve of him. He’s got a good heart. You may marry him.”

The car erupted in laughter and Roxas’ face was still feeling hot. His heart raced, and he missed Axel, wanting a hug from him. “I haven’t known him for that long. Marriage is probably a bit too sudden,” he said quietly, the smile on his face not leaving him.

“Well, all right. Boyfriends then. Start small but build big,” Sora conceded.

Roxas hummed, somehow feeling hotter. It made Sora’s eyes almost bug out. _“Ohmigosh!_ You already _are_?” Sora shrieked with excitement, gripping Roxas’ shoulders and shaking him violently. “Since when? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Was it love at first sight? It _so_ was. Why’m I even asking? Oh my God, Naminé, we’re gonna plan every facet of Roxas’ wedding.”

“We’ll have it down by Burgundy’s Creek in the fall when the leaves turn,” Naminé chimed in.

Sora nodded eagerly. “Yeah, yeah! Maybe it can double as a Halloween party.”

“I’ll get my sister to make a huge pumpkin cake,” Pence said.

“Guys.” Roxas laughed, feeling nervous but also a little excited. His interjection didn’t stop his three friends from continuing to plan though. They kept talking, excitement growing in their voices.

Hayner was quiet though, until he suddenly said, “You’re seriously dating that guy?”

Roxas’ heart jolted a little at the low tension in his best friend’s voice. “Y-yeah?”

“How long has that been going on for? When did you break up with the grump?”

Discomfort grew a knot in Roxas’ stomach. “I… um… I broke up with Vanitas a month ago and…” he took a deep, uncomfortable breath, “started dating Axel… a month ago?”

Brown eyes bored into Roxas, looking him over. Hayner’s frown only deepened. His eyes dropped in a distinct Hayner-is-thinking-about-something way. “So, you just went from one guy to the next? Are you living with him?”

“I didn’t… what’s it to you? What’s with the interrogation?” Roxas shot back with a little fire.

The stern look on Hayner didn’t abate. “You just met him. Shouldn’t you, like, have a break or something?”

“Back off, Hayner,” Sora suddenly piped up, giving Roxas a start. He hadn’t thought Sora would have been paying attention with how much he was motormouthing, but he apparently had, and was now leaned forward so he could look around Roxas and at Hayner directly.

“Why? Don’t you think Pineapple should have a break?” Hayner barked with some heat.

“No. Why should he?” Sora shot back before turning his eyes onto Roxas. “He makes you happy, right?”

Roxas nodded, feeling flustered at the anger in Hayner’s voice.

“See,” Sora glared back at Hayner. “This is a good thing. Rox left the gr—Vanitas. That’s a _good_ thing.”

“But why date someone?” The angry stare fell away and Hayner redirected his attention towards Roxas. “You should give yourself time, Rox. Be single. Go on different dates with different people. Shop around. Don’t… lock yourself in with someone new. As your best friend, I’m worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m happy. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time,” Roxas tried to soothe, but his heart was racing uncomfortably. He felt jittery, nervous… slightly sick even.

“So, you’re just going to jump into a long-term relationship, just like that?” Hayner didn’t let up. The space in the car felt uncomfortable.

“It’s… I’m not _actually_ going to marry the guy. That’s just a bit of Sora’s crack-pot fun,” Roxas tried to defend. The familiar sting of tears was growing stronger behind his eyes.

“I object to that,” Sora said and then whispered, “You’re totally gonna marry him one day.”

Roxas huffed and rolled his eyes in response to that, pushing Sora away. “I know I don’t have a great track-record but… this is different. Axel’s different.”

Hayner cocked an eyebrow.

Sora leaned over Roxas, his seatbelt almost reaching its limitation. He squinted at Hayner. “Damn straight it’s different. This guy’s perfect for Roxas.”

Hayner snorted. “How can you tell?”

“I told you, I know things. The universe speaks to me.”

“Crazy alert,” Hayner teased. Everyone bar Sora laughed.

“Whatever. You’ll owe me an apology when I’m best man at Roxas’ wedding to this Axel guy.” Sora defiantly tapped at his phone, as if that would prove anything.

“If you’re so sure then why don’t you find me a girlfriend?” Hayner shot back.

“My powers only work for the gays. You could always try and find a man. I can help you with that.” Sora returned back to his seat.

“You hitting on me?” Hayner leered at Sora.

Sora turned his nose up at Hayner and crossed his arms over his chest. “No. We’re not compatible.”

“Is that why you’re not with anyone? Because you base a relationship on the first look and if your crazy gaydar-thing goes off?” Hayner waggled his fingers at Sora, like he was a magician.

“My guy is out there. I’ll know him when I see him,” came Sora’s solemn proclamation. “But I know that this is the one for Roxas, so there’s no need to look further.”

Whatever his friends squabbled about after that point was lost on Roxas. Hayner’s words had struck an uncomfortable chord with him. He had left Axel’s side because he needed time to think – time to find himself. The fact that Axel hadn’t pushed coming with Roxas was good. It quietened the tiny niggle that itched away at him sometimes. But… was it too soon to be in another relationship? Should he be dating around? Was that what normal people did after coming out of a long-term relationship? Let alone an abusive one? But Axel was… perfect for him, if Sora were to be believed. But what did Sora even know about stuff like this? Self-proclaimed superpower aside, Sora had never seriously dated anyone, as far as Roxas knew. But Roxas _really_ liked the idea of Axel being his special somebody. He felt like it. Though… how could Roxas ever be sure with the limited experience he had? So, he came back to Hayner’s words. But he didn’t like them.

To date other people, he would have to break up with Axel. He wasn’t comfortable with that idea. He loved Axel. Thoughts of his boyfriend filled him with happiness and a deep longing. Like a wave slamming into him, he was overcome by the full force of missing Axel at that very moment. He missed his voice, his scent, his humor, his warm physical touch, and emotional support. Axel had been so incredible to him. It seemed impossible to imagine him ever feeling like that about anyone else.

He basked in those positive feelings until they arrived at his former home. As Pence turned down familiar streets, a new longing began to percolate inside Roxas. He hadn’t been back here in a lot of years. Nostalgia hit. Memories of lazy summer vacations with his friends flooded him. And when his home came into view… his beloved single-story brick home, with the wildly overgrown fence, but well-kempt lawn, and gravel path leading from the sidewalk up to the front door, a sensation of safety and familiarity seeped through his soul warming him like a mug of hot cocoa on a bitterly cold winter’s night. It was _home_. He _was_ home.

As they pulled into the driveway Roxas saw his mother, looking the way he had always remembered her looking. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail, and her casual-yet-always-very-tidy-looking outfit was a colorful blouse and dark-washed jeans today. She strolled down the path to the driveway and Roxas’ eyes were glued on her and remained glued as they all piled out of the car. The summer air hit him, and the smell of flowers all in bloom caused his mind to flood with the past. An overwhelming amount of emotion welled up inside, threatening to swallow him up completely. It was the full force of Roxas’ absence from his own life that slammed into him.

“Welcome back, baby.” His mother’s soft words in her gentle timbre reached out and wrapped around him, breaking the dam. Roxas rushed over and embraced her, burying his head in her shoulder and beginning to soak her lilac blouse with his hot tears.

Arms drew him close, swaddling him. His mother’s soft touch stroked his hair and gentle shushing sounds followed. How he had missed her, how he had missed _this_ – his old life filled with comfort, sheltering him from the terrible storm he had been battered by for the last almost-eight years.

* * *

 

The afternoon was spent feasting and laughing in the dining room before later moving into the den, so they could sit comfortably and play some card games.

Roxas settled into his old room once his friends and cousins had left. It was a former shadow of what he remembered. Fire-engine red walls had been repainted to a dull off-white, making the deep blue of the nylon cut-pile carpet flooring look a lot bluer than Roxas remembered. His mom had also replaced the punk rock curtains Roxas had self-decorated and hung when he had been 16. His king-single bed and nightstand were still tucked in the furthest corner when you entered the room, but the sheets were just plain instead of the colorful motifs he had loved to sleep amongst.

His wooden writing desk was still pushed against the wall parallel to the wall where his bed stood. It had always been the best position for it, given the way the sunlight streamed in from the window during the day. Other than his bed, desk, and woefully beige curtain, his room was bare. Well… there was also Roxas’ old free-standing wardrobe, which he mourned over because his mother had painted over that as well. He sighed and got to unpacking his small suitcase. He pulled everything out and hung his clothes up, folding everything else that needed it. A month-plus was a long time to live out of a suitcase.

When all the clothes were sorted, Roxas tended to the leftover things he had taken with him. He plucked a photo frame out of the suitcase, happy to see that it hadn’t cracked during transit. He smiled and sat the image of himself and Cheshire on top of the desk. He missed her already.

Since she was _property,_ Roxas had been told by Tifa that she wasn’t allowed to be moved until the court case was over. Axel had promised to take the best care of her while Roxas was away. It had hurt leaving her behind and he worried about her. But logic told him she would be fine. She had warmed up to Axel remarkably fast after all, and Roxas trusted and believed in Axel to manage caring for a small animal. Axel was kind-hearted enough to treat her right if she did turn into a bit of a shithead.

His thoughts turned to Axel as he pulled out his pewter penguin figure. A mix of fondness and a heavy dull ache rose in his chest. He had needed to get away but felt incredibly guilty over it. He hoped Axel was feeling okay. He hoped he was feeling better than Roxas was right now. He shook his head and got out the torn-up photo of himself and Axel. He had taken this with him and had opted to leave the ones of himself and Vanitas in Pensacola. He wanted to leave Vanitas as far behind as possible.

It annoyed him how big of a deal his friends had made it out to be. He was annoyed that they were probably right. He plodded over to his bedside stand and dropped the photo of himself and Axel into the drawer, and the penguin on top of it. Hayner’s words made Roxas feel extremely uncomfortable. What if his best friend was right? Roxas frowned with a huff. Was it so wrong to break up with someone and be with someone else? Roxas wouldn’t have broken it off with Vanitas if it hadn’t been for Axel. He would still be in his delusional bubble, thinking that everything was fine – even if it _did_ suck – if it hadn’t been for Axel opening up his world.

No. Hayner was wrong. He was just worried, but Roxas was all right now. He felt it inside himself. He was getting better. Past Roxas would never have asked to spend time apart from the man he loved. It was an improvement. The past wouldn’t repeat itself. He wouldn’t _let it_ repeat itself. He came here to get some distance. Axel had understood that – he had understood that Roxas was going to be a little bit distant for a while – it blew Roxas’ mind that he was okay with it. It made Roxas want to spend his every waking moment with the other man, which was why he figured he needed space.

He sighed as his head ran in circles. He took a long moment to look at the tattered photograph, while he fondled the penguin and then pushed the drawer closed and headed out of his room and to the kitchen-dining area to have dinner with his mother.

“You totally went to town on my room. It’s like you wanted to forget you ever had a son.”

His mother, Petra, looked over from where she was getting the dinner onto plates. “I’ll never forget that you were born – I was there. I remember it all. The pain, and blood, and needles.” She shuddered. “I’ll never forget that. Your room though… I just want to forget your terrible angsty-teen-decor phase.” She gave him a big smile.

Roxas rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t _angst_. It’s an aesthetic choice. Dad still not back yet?” He pulled a chair out from the dining table and sat down.

“No. He rang to say he’ll be home late. A last-minute call came through before his shift ended. He’s stuck waiting at the hospital for a bed to open up.”

“Oh. —Thanks.” His mother handed him a plate of roasted lamb and seasonal vegetables.

She put a plate down for herself and sat down as well. “Don’t look like that, baby boy. Today’s his last shift, so he’ll be home for the next four days. Plenty of time to build those Lego sets together,” she grinned at him.

“Oh cool. Did he get any new ones?” Roxas dug into his meal with a clink of cutlery against porcelain.

“What do you mean _new_? He doesn’t deserve any more until he has finished the ones stored in his man cave. You know, he hasn’t even started that spaceship thing you sent him for his birthday last year. He doesn’t deserve _new_ until those boxes are empty and built.”

“It’s a Star Destroyer,” Roxas chuckled, but then a thought hit him, “Why hasn’t he started on it? He did like it, right?”

“Oh yes. But he’s lazy on his days off. If you get him down into the basement, he’ll spend all day working on it. Personally, I just think he’s been waiting for you to come home so he could do some father-son bonding.”

That remark made Roxas feel guilty. “Sorry I haven’t come around much.” He eyed his food carefully as he cut it into bite-sized pieces.

His mother gave him _the look_. The look that said she _knew_ without ever directly saying anything about it. All she _did_ say was, “Your dad and I understand. Not happy about it, of course, but we do understand.” She took a dainty bite of her meal and chewed thoughtfully… and expectantly. Roxas knew she always expected him to tell her what ailed him. Over the phone, it had been easy to ignore. Maybe that was the real reason he had never come home.

Roxas stared at his plate, stabbing a carrot and munching on it while disquiet churned his stomach. His parents had always been caring but never overbearingly pushy. Roxas had always appreciated that. He had always enjoyed the freedom they had given him. But sometimes he did wonder if things could have been different had his parents outright ever said anything to him – pulled him up on his own denials – made the invisible visible. But then he would never have met Axel. Was it sick to be glad that his life had gone exactly the way that it had to arrive at such a wonderful outcome? That thought heartened him. Things were better now. Would _always_ be better now. “I’ll be around a lot more now though,” he enthused with cheer between his chews.

“Hmm, really? Are you going to tell me what happened now? Because I was worried when you said you would come over a few weeks ago but then canceled out of the blue. And then you called again a few days ago saying you would tell me when you came home. Well, I didn’t believe I would see you but now you’re home, so spill the beans. What happened with you and that Bransden boy?”

Roxas’ heart jolted and raced. His appetite evaporated, and he had difficulty swallowing the bits of masticated meat left over in his mouth. It was like all his saliva had dried up like water in the desert. “Ah… we broke up.” Roxas blinked, surprised at the ease by which he had been able to say that. He smiled, feeling unexpectedly unburdened.

His mother stopped eating and looked at him. There was definitely surprise on her face, but it was a pleased-looking surprise. It quickly fell away though, “Is everything all right? Do you need a place to stay?”

“Everything’s under control,” his smile broadened, and he truly felt like things would actually be okay.

“You only brought one suitcase… and where is your cat?”

Roxas wasn’t following. He made a dumb sound. “In Pensacola?”

“But you broke up with Vanitas.”

“Yeah?” He still wasn’t understanding.

She stared him down, confusion knitting her brows. “Are you still staying with him?”

“N-no.” It was starting to dawn on Roxas what his mother was insinuating. It made him feel all kinds of sick.

“Then where are you staying now? Are you all right financially? Can you support yourself? You can stay here. We’ve always got space for you and your cat. Where is she? Who’s looking after her?”

Roxas gave a nervous laugh. “Geez mom, calm down with all the questions. I don’t even remember what you asked or what to answer first.”

She took a calming breath. “Can you support yourself?” she said slowly, aiding Roxas in sorting out his thoughts. She leaned in towards him, “Don’t lie to me Roxas Harlan Shaw. I made you, you owe me.”

Roxas shuddered at the full use of his name. “I’m… getting by.”

“Evading the question is as good as lying to your poor, sick-with-worry mother. If you don’t tell me I won’t be able to help you and given how controlling – I can say that now, since you’re broken up – seeing how controlling he was, I think you need your family. I get you’re proud – you get that from me – but there is no shame in asking for help.”

He sighed and took a sip from his glass, trying to buy some time. He regretted having told her. He hated that it seemed to have stripped away the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy that had been instituted around Roxas’ relationship with Vanitas.

His mother’s support was nice, but she was also right – Roxas had a lot of pride. He liked dealing with his own problems as much as possible. Having opened up to Axel had been awful, but Roxas was addicted to the other man so it had been made easier.

He breathed out slowly, collecting himself. “I might need some more money, so I can get a phone and laptop. I’ll apply for some jobs when I go back.” Roxas stomach turned to solid stone at the way his mother was looking at him. “What?” His voice caught and croaked.

The stern glare gave way to an immeasurably sad look. “It got so bad?”

“No, mom, don’t worry. Everything is fine now.”

“Where are you staying?” she pressed, softly but with a hard-edged urgency as well.

“I’ve moved out. It’s small but nice. Cheshire likes it,” he enthused with a smile, wanting to melt all worries from his mother’s thoughts.

“ _Who_ are you staying with? I assume you don’t have money for rent.”

His throat felt constricted. “A friend I made when I moved to Pensacola.” This somehow felt worse than when he had been at the police station. He didn’t want to tell her just yet about Axel.

A disgruntled look settled on her face. She sighed.

“What?” By this point Roxas knew that she knew but he couldn’t help but try and play dumb.

“Why don’t you tell me the truth? I already know, so you might as well just cut to the chase.”

“Know what?”

She rolled her eyes. “That you have a new boyfriend.”

His stomach dropped with the weight of a bowling ball. He had secretly hoped that she didn’t _really_ know. “How—”

“My superpower.” She tapped the side of her head.

Something unknotted inside of Roxas… ever so slightly. “Sora blabbed, didn’t he,” he drawled with exasperation. He had begged them not to talk about it when his mother had gone to the kitchen to fix them all some drinks earlier that day.

She grinned at him. “I wasn’t sure if I could believe it until now but… well, tell me about him. You’re staying with him?”

“Y-yeah.”

“How long have you known each other for?”

Roxas pushed his chair away from the table. “I don’t want to do this right now.” He could still hear Hayner’s questions, he could still see Hayner’s irritated disgust.

She let out a sigh which Roxas knew to be filled with disappointment. “We can talk about it later I suppose. You’re here for about six weeks after all.”

“Yeah.” Though Roxas thought he might just run back to Axel to avoid the conversation with his mother. He picked up his plate and headed for the trashcan near the sink.

“I’m not mad at you or anything like that,” she kept talking while Roxas cleaned up. “The fact that you’re here, alone, makes me feel better. Vanitas never let you go anywhere without him.”

He hated how everyone knew. He hated that he had been so stubborn. He heard his mother resume eating her meal. Not having her staring at him felt better. Some will to talk returned. “We didn’t have… the healthiest of relationships.” He scraped his food scraps into the trash and began rinsing the plate to put into the dishwasher.

Cutlery clanked. Roxas turned to glance at his mother. “Hm?”

She was staring at him, wide-eyed. “That – coming out of _your_ mouth. Your dad and I have been waiting years to hear you say that. I know your friends have been more vocal about it. Maybe I failed you as a mother. Maybe I should have said something to you.”

Roxas frowned at the sink. He had nothing but respect for his mother. He loved her… even if he didn’t _like_ her all of the time. “You know I wouldn’t have listened.”

“True,” she said quietly. “Oh, baby! I’m so happy to hear your news. I can finally tell your aunt Selma. She’s been waiting for this for years.”

Roxas cocked an eyebrow.

She returned the look. “There is a reason why your uncle Walt isn’t welcome anymore. So, tell me – what finally changed? He—” a look of horror crossed her face, “didn’t hurt you, did he?” her voice rose.

Roxas could never tell her in a million years. “No. No. Nothing like that. I, um… just woke up to myself. It kind of helped that I met someone really nice.” He felt himself turning red as the smile he was fighting to keep down broke free.

“Well, I suppose that’s one blessing. But, are you sure about this, sweetness? Did you give yourself enough time before getting into this new relationship?”

There it was again, that same concern. “I…” But this time Roxas felt less like he needed to defend himself, or… maybe he could even be a little bit truthful… “Don’t know, mom. I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“Well, can I maybe make a suggestion that you follow in your aunt Selma’s footsteps? You know what she did? She went on an overseas trip for three months to get away from herself. Did her a world of good. Have you thought of doing something like that? If you do, then money is no issue. I will gladly support you in that.”

“Thanks, mom,” was all that Roxas managed. He stared at the water sliding off the plate he had stopped scrubbing.

“Well?”

“Um, I think I’m all right. I’m here to give myself a timeout. I don’t need to go any further.” He didn’t _want_ to go any further. He was annoyed enough about the fact that he’d have to go _further away_ from Axel to Forrester at the end of August.

“But you’re still in a relationship, aren’t you? Wouldn’t it be better to cut all ties and be by yourself?”

Roxas didn’t like this line of questioning and where it was leading to. “I don’t want to cut ties with him, mom. He has been so amazing and wonderful, and we love each other. Like _really_ love each other. I know you’re worried about me, but I _can_ look after myself. I’m doing it right now. I’m here, away from him, to give myself some space. Isn’t that good enough? I’ve felt alone for so long now, even when I _was_ with Vanitas. Isn’t that just the same as going away from everybody? Because I _was_ away, with no one but myself.”

The look of shock turned to sadness. She stood up and walked over to him. “Oh, baby boy. I’m so sorry to hear that. But no, I don’t think that’s really the same thing.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re still technically _with_ someone. And I know you, you’ve always tried to be helpful to others and that puts you last a lot of the time. I’m really worried about you, baby.” She ran her hand through his hair. “You’ve never had time to be by yourself. Even if you felt alone you weren’t _truly_ alone. You had Vanitas there to control you, to keep you busy doing what he wanted you to do. And now that you’re in a new relationship… well, that doesn’t really give you time for yourself either. No matter how nice and not-alone you feel. And what if you’re with this new man _just because_ you were in such a terrible relationship before?”

Roxas jerked his head away from her touch. “I’m not with Axel just because Vanitas treated me badly. You don’t know anything about him or me.” He glared at her. The hot anger in his chest made him feel like he was vibrating.

“If you told me things once in a while I might,” came the accusing guilt trip.

They both wore stern expressions. Roxas had forgotten about how they butted heads, but it was, unfortunately, all coming back now.

His mother sighed and took a small step back. “Look, I don’t want to fight or argue. I’m just worried about you. I just want you to hear me out and keep what I say in mind. You need to live your own life, I know that. I’m not here to dictate what you do. I just want that life of yours to be a happy one. I want you to love yourself enough to not let shitty men break your heart and make you feel miserable. I didn’t spend ten months growing your heart and cute little bum to have others break you apart.”

“Mom,” was all Roxas got out through a sniffle. He returned his now-watery stare to the sink. Through his periphery Roxas saw his mother drawing closer again.

“You deserve to be happy and loved, on your own terms, Roxas, not others’. I just want you to give yourself some space to figure things out, all right? And I’ll also respect that and give you space to figure things out. Consider this my final lecture on the matter.”

Roxas huffed a little. “I somehow don’t think this will be the last lecture I get from you.” Tears trickled out as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“You’re probably not wrong there. But I’ll try and reign it in, okay? I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m trying to be,” he mumbled, his vocal cords tight with emotion.

“I know. I can see that. I’m proud of you.” She turned Roxas to face her, wrapped her arms around him and pressed his face into her shoulder. Roxas nuzzled into her and returned the comforting hug. He received a kiss to the crown of his head as they pulled apart. “You’ve wasted some of your best years on that relationship, Roxas. Make sure your next one isn’t the same, okay?” Soft blue eyes looked at him and shimmered slightly in the cold halogen light of the kitchen.

He nodded and fought down the sob.

She cupped his cheek, rubbing at him with a sniffle of her own and then clasped his hand, pulling him along to the living room. “Come, tell me about him; this man who did what not even your awesome mom could do.”

Roxas giggled despite himself. He could definitely – and _would_ definitely – love telling her about all of Axel’s wonderful qualities. They got comfortable on the couch and the evening was spent opening up to his mother about what things had really been like for the last few years – still without mentioning anything that would make her worry too much – and he also spent a lot of time speaking about Axel and what a wakeup call meeting him had been. He told her all about how nice, generous, understanding, and loving Axel was.

His mother continued to tow the party line of urging Roxas to give himself ample space and to take things slow with Axel, no matter how wonderful he seemed. Roxas saw the merit in her words but was equally annoyed that this topic had come up twice in the same day. But he agreed that he would try and take it easy.

It had gotten late enough that Roxas’ father, Vester, arrived home, netting him many more hugs and back rubs. The emotions did get the better of him by the end. It had been a long, arduous, and draining day, so his mother called it a night, ordering Roxas to bed. He gladly followed the instructions, and he fell asleep in his cozy bed, in his cozy home, filled with almost all the people who loved him the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the ending is a bit rushed, I just have nothing in the tank left for having Roxas talking to his parents. I think from memory this chapter was also a lot longer but I split it and the rest of it is in next weeks chapter. Anyway, I hope you guys like seeing Roxas in more of his natural habitat.


	21. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas is working on opening up to people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content below.

Sora picked Roxas up early that Friday morning without warning. But it was all right since Roxas was still on Pensacola time, which was three hours ahead of Atlantica, so he had been awake and brooding over Axel, and his mom’s suggestion of taking things slow with him.

Sora took Roxas to Splash Island; an amusement park situated in the middle of the inland bay. It had been built thirty years ago in response to demand for family and tourist friendly fun. The bay Atlantica was built up around was a busy shipping port were large freighters took up a lot of the sea space, and ports took up all of the available shoreline. So that’s where Splash Island came in; reclaiming a bit of beach and fun from the otherwise heavily industrialized inlet.

There were ferries going to the island every ten minutes during heavy peak periods. Roxas and Sora caught up with their friends, Pence, Susan, Ross, Olette, Alfie, Gabby, Hayner, and Naminé, who had all taken the day off from work and study to be with Roxas. He had been very touched by the gesture and thanked them all as they waited by the wharf and eventually took the ferry over.

The day was spent trying out almost all the rides, no matter how harrowing or tame they were. Gabby took a lot of coaxing to get onto the End of the World roller coaster. Funnily enough, she was the only one who came off the ride feeling fine, while everyone else seemed a little bit green around the edges.

As a way of unwinding, they decided to head to the Enchanted Dominion, a large dome-like structure, housing fairground games, arcades, and food. Roxas, being naturally gifted at even the most complex of spatial awareness games, and being able to visualize what angles needed to be achieved to win whatever prize was on offer, managed to win everyone the toys they wanted. Sora and Alfie decreed that Roxas was never allowed to ever leave again, ushering him to various other games that had prizes they wanted and had failed to get on previous visits.

After lunch and all the prize-winning, they were overburdened with bulky items and it meant that not all of them could go on the rides since someone had to mind the soft toys and electronics. It was Roxas and Naminé’s turn this time around, which both of them didn’t mind since Castle Oblivion, a haunted house touted to be the scariest this side of the continent, wasn’t exactly their cup of tea.

They were sitting on a wooden park bench, shaded by an umbrella which attached to the bench, prizes stacked between and around them. Roxas was looking at the scary exterior which was Castle Oblivion. They had already moved once to escape the moaning and creepy music emanating from the ride.

“How’s uncle Ansem and aunty Deirdre?” he asked, still cautiously staring at the haunted house, just in case some of the smoke from the smoke machine drifted their way in a menacing way.

“Mom and Pop are good. You should come to visit. Granma talks about you sometimes when she is lucid enough. She always remembers the cats you brought over to visit her.”

Roxas smiled at the memory, though his heart was filled with melancholy. His dad’s side of the family mostly lived in and around Forrester, so he had been in touch with them a lot more than his mom’s side of the family and all his high school friends, here in Atlantica. He had tried to stay in touch with his family, but life with Vanitas had become so all-consuming that his almost weekly visits had decreased to yearly drop-ins and then just the occasional phone call with Naminé.

“How’s she doing?’ he muttered. He wasn’t proud of how he had neglected other people, let alone his family and his beloved grandmother. Shame was probably a more accurate description for the feeling tightening his gut.

“As good as can be expected for an octogenarian with dementia,” the heaviness in Naminé’s soul was easy to feel.

“I’ll come to visit very soon. I need to go to Forrester anyway.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” she clasped her hands together. “What other business do you have there, besides seeing your family?”

Mild panic rose. Roxas didn’t want to tell Naminé the specifics of the why, what, and how, so he ventured on carefully, whilst shooing away some irritating sandflies, “Ah, I just have some paperwork I need to get ahold of that I didn’t have time to grab before we moved.”

“It was really sudden,” Naminé said very quietly, looking down at her hands. She looked back up, rather cautiously, “Grandma thought something had happened to you. That you had died. We keep trying to tell her that you’re fine.”

“Sorry,” he muttered, feeling suddenly immeasurably guilty and dreadful. “I’ll definitely come and spend time with her. Like I told mom, I plan to be around a lot more now.”

“That will be nice. If Sora and I have to suffer through family holiday time then so do you,” she poked her tongue out at him.

Roxas laughed a little. “Understood.” He looked back out towards the haunted house, getting a creeped out chill down his spine just looking at it.

“Will you bring Axel with you to family gatherings in the future?”

He slowly turned back to Naminé, not quite knowing how to answer that. The future was too uncertain. Would they last? Would Axel ever want to have Roxas’ family inflicted upon him? “Ah… I don’t know,” was the best he could come up with.

“You really like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I more than like him, I love him.”

“But not enough to bring him with you?”

Roxas felt uncomfortable. “No, I love him, but… but I just… needed some time away.”

“Why?”

He groaned a bit, swatting at the flies that wouldn’t leave him alone, “Why’re you asking me?”

“Because I just find it really strange. If you love him so much why spend time apart?” She waved her hand, also getting attacked by flies.

It was so uncomfortable having to admit that he needed time away from Axel. Naminé was completely right… he shouldn’t need to be away from Axel. Sudden searing doubt raced through Roxas’ mind. Had he done the wrong thing? Would Axel hate him? Would he kick Roxas out as soon as he came back? Sick, constricting nausea coiled around him. Why had he left at all? He had needed to leave – needed to get away from… all the hurt and upset of Vanitas’ words – of the knowledge that Axel had _kept_ things from him – Was he wrong? “I just needed some space, Naminé,” he snapped a bit, feeling agitated.

“Geez, Roxas. Calm down. No need to bite my head off.”

He couldn’t keep the tremble out of his legs. “Sorry. I guess I’m just irritated about that whole line of questioning. Hayner talked about it and then Sora let slip that I have a boyfriend to mom, so she went all secret service interrogator on me last night.”

Naminé gave him a soft look before she let out a hearty laugh. “Aunty Petra’s funny. Dad does that to me too sometimes. Usually around Christmas time when he’s trying to figure out what I – I mean _Santa_ – got him,” she rolled her eyes and wore a loving big smile on her face.

Roxas giggled into his hand. He appreciated his cousin trying to make him feel more at ease. “Someone should really break the news to uncle Ansem one day.”

“Dibs on it not being me,” Naminé squeaked through her growing laughter.

A comfortable lull settled. People were walking every-which-way. The park was very busy and crowded, filled with screams of excitement and terror – not all coming from the haunted house either. Roxas caught the sound of the fairground games whenever the wind shifted and blew from the direction of the Enchanted Dominion. He hadn’t been out like this in so long. It was amazingly refreshing but a terrible feeling also scratched at him thinking of Axel and how he had missed his birthday. He couldn’t afford to feel even worse, so he absently scratched at a bite mark as he asked, “Hey, Nami, what are you doing here? I know it’s not really to see me.”

“I’m hurt that you would think so little of my affections for you.” She pouted at him and tilted her head pathetically, making Roxas laugh.

“Don’t try that look on me.”

Faux-sadness fell away in the blink of an eye and she grinned. “Okay, fine. I’m here on a curatorial exchange program.” She slapped her hands together, smooshing a fly.

“A who and what?”

“You know I received a fellowship arts grant a few years ago?”

Roxas shook his head.

“Well, I did, and that got me noticed in the right circles. Now I’m doing curator studies and I’m on an exchange program helping set up an arts exhibit at the Newerlan Arts Centre.”

He felt a little stunned at that news. “Wow. Impressive.”

Naminé was all big sunny smiles. “Thanks! I worked really hard on getting myself to this point.”

“I’m so happy that you managed to get anywhere with your arts degree.”

She laughed, “Me too. What about you, Roxas? How’s the clothing business going?”

Suddenly his throat felt parched. “Ah—” he coughed a little. “Could you pass me my drink? It’s in that bag—no, the other one,” Roxas pointed while Naminé touched several of the thick paper bags that housed some of the prizes.

“This one?”

“No, that one there.”

“Oh! The one with the hideous dinosaur hat in it, right?”

“What? No, that’s not a dinosaur, it’s a penguin. But yeah, that’s it— thanks,” Roxas received his plastic bottle of sickly sweet pop and opened it, taking a big gulp of the hyper-blue drink.

Naminé fished out the hat, visibly shuddered and then put it on, the beak flopping about and obscuring her vision. “Why did you spend ages trying to win this thing? You could have bought something nicer at a thrift store.”

Roxas finished his drink and threw the empty bottle into a random bag. “It’s for Axel. I promised him I would bring him back a souvenir.” He snatched the hat off Naminé and put it on his own head. It was the least he could do, still feeling like he needed to make it up to Axel for missing his birthday.

“You want to keep him, right? Maybe get him something nicer,” she giggled and flicked the beak.

Roxas had no time to reply. Footsteps sounded, and Sora’s voice hollered, “Ohmigosh, that was _soooooo_ scary! You guys should totally give it a try.”

“No thanks. We’re good just trying to fend off the terrifying flies,” Roxas waved his hand about, to scatter the sandflies that made the island the amusement park was built on, their home.

“Aww, you sure? I bet Susie and Pence wouldn’t mind sitting out while we all go again,” Sora bounced on the balls of his feet before them, arms swinging.

There was a chorus of a plaintive, _“Again?”_ shouted out in a very displeased fashion as the rest of the party arrived.

“No, no, no! I’m ready to go on that love boat ride to calm my nerves,” Ross exclaimed, looking even paler than usual.

“I second that,” Alfie declared.

“Aww, c’mon you guys!” Sora whined.

“No,” Gabby put her foot down and started gathering her various prizes and bags.

“Pence? Olette?” Sora tried to find allies.

“I’m with everyone else, let’s go do something relaxing,” Olette said.

“Last one there has to sit in the boat with Sora!” Naminé shouted, grabbed her things and started running while laughing.

Everyone else looked at each other, mouths and eyes wide with shock and then scrambled to collect their things and followed Naminé whilst Sora shouted his displeasure and brought up the rear.

* * *

 

The next day was spent catching up with literally everyone Roxas had ever gone to school with in Atlantica, as well as his more extensive relatives. Sora was throwing a party for Roxas at a community hall and had somehow managed to throw it together at short notice, which Roxas supposed shouldn’t have actually surprised him.

There was a suckling pig spit roast, a salad bar, a snow cone machine, and a table full of cakes. There was also a ball pit, jumping castle, indoor football, and other ‘fun stations’ that Roxas couldn’t identify until he had been dragged there by Sora.

It was a fun day, aside from having to answer the many questions all in the same vein of, “What have you been up to these last few years?”

Roxas didn’t have a decent enough answer. He had tried answering it once with, “I’ve been moving around a bit with my boyfriend,” which resulted in too many questions which Roxas had very unexciting answers for, and which led into more questions about Vanitas, and breakups. So Roxas steered clear of that sort of answer in future exchanges, focusing more on his current relationship with Axel, if he had to say _something_. Mostly he tried to redirect the topic of conversation onto everyone else though.

In this manner, he found out that a lot had happened for everyone in the years that Roxas had been absent. Graduations, jobs, and career changes. Partners, marriages, families. Even some world travelers. It made Roxas feel very inadequate and like he had been lost in the jungle for a decade and was finally making his way back into society weary and confused.

Despite being left with that feeling it had still been an enjoyable day. Roxas thanked Sora for having organized it all on such short notice and then he spent the evening ruminating on how ineffectual his entire existence had been up to that point in time. Vanitas had eaten away what ostensibly should have been some of the best years of Roxas’ life. Roxas had let himself be overcome with guilt. He had tried too hard to make someone else happy and had completely neglected himself in the process.

Roxas spent a good hour staring up at his ceiling in the dark, blaming Vanitas for absolutely everything until the anger left him cold and feeling pathetic. And then he spent another hour blaming himself for being weak, worthless, dumb and many other words, half of which he recalled Vanitas calling him, and the other half Roxas calling himself.

He fell asleep with a headache and slept most of the Sunday morning away, feeling far too depressed to make his feet hit the carpet. But then, near midday, there was a knock on his door and Roxas’ father came in with a plate piled high with pancakes.

The afternoon for Roxas was spent feeling slightly less sorry for himself as he toiled away the hours working on Lego models with his father, whilst discussing the finer points of where the toilets would be located on a Star Destroyer.

Things turned a little more serious as evening came along. It was rather an overwhelming affair, as Roxas’ parents insisted on going out to a nice restaurant, presumably so Roxas couldn’t run away once the hard-hitting questions came, which was right around the time of the main meals arriving.

At least the questions weren’t about Roxas’ relationships, past or present. They were, however, the big life questions around long-term goals and visions for his future. Roxas wasn’t sure which line of questioning was worse if he was perfectly honest.

“I wish you would be asking me this by the end of my stay, not at the very start. I kind of came here to try and figure all this stuff out,” he sighed into his plate of spaghetti bolognese.

“Sorry, buddy,” his dad lamented, shoveling fish into his mouth. “Just try to answer as best as you can.”

Roxas hated not being able to get out of this. “Well, the thing I know for sure is that I’m going back to Pensacola. I’m going to get a job and see where I go from there.”

His mother jumped in, “I read an economics report. Finding work is hard in today’s climate. You might be looking at a good few months if you start applying for things now. And even then, you don’t really have anything to show for yourself as far as I’m aware.”

Roxas grimaced. He loved his mother for being very hands-off and cool about a lot of Roxas’ life choices, but when she did let her opinion be known, she was hard and too blunt, and there had certainly been times that Roxas had endured the full force of this directness. It looked like tonight would be another one of those times. His appetite wavered. “Um, I’ve actually already got two contacts that I plan to chase up when I get back.”

“Oh really? Well, that’s good news, isn’t it, honey,” Roxas’ father said to his wife.

The look on her face, however, spoke volumes. Roxas wasn’t going to get out of it just yet.

“Who are these contacts? Are they good job prospects?”

“They are good enough to get me by until I decide what I’m gonna do,” Roxas muttered, twirling the pasta onto his fork and putting it in his mouth, attempting to swallow some of it.

“What if you get rejected though? What if plans change? You are staying here for six weeks. That’s a long time for jobs to not be filled back in Pensacola.”

“What do you want me to do then? Leave here tonight and go back? If you don’t want me around just say so,” he snapped, cutlery cluttering onto the plate.

“No, honey. That’s not what I want. Your dad and I love having you here.”

“Then what?” he almost shouted.

His mother’s hand reached for Roxas, brushing against his knuckles. “Why don’t you look for work here in Atlantica? You’ve got family here to support you. You can stay in your old room, free of charge, so you don’t have to rush at the first job that comes your way. You’ll have more time and you will be able to relax a little.”

“I have to go back, mom.” He clenched his fists tighter, nails digging into the palms of his hands.

“What for? Your _boyfriend_?”

Roxas blew air out of his nose noisily and pushed back from the table. This was getting too much. The way she had said that spoke volumes. “No, mom. For my _fucking_ cat,” he said quietly, but with a lot of anger and sarcasm behind his words.

“ _Roxas Harlan Shaw_ don’t take that tone with us,” his father’s stern words sounded, simmering Roxas a little.

“Sorry,” Roxas mumbled and pushed his chair back to the table.

The party fell quiet, and the sound of cutlery clinking and scraping against porcelain filled the space, hiding the bitterly volatile undercurrent flowing between them.

After a while, his mother’s voice cut through softly, “We’re just worried about you, sweetness. How supportive can Axel really be? Pensacola is an expensive city. It’s not like you two are married or have agreed to support each other in any meaningful way. You don’t have a bond with him as thick as family.”

She was right. Of course she was. But Roxas stayed quiet, focusing on eating his meal, resentfully.

“It’s a lot to ask of someone you just met,” his father came in, smoothing over the rough edges of his wife’s words.

Roxas remained quiet on the topic of Axel. It wouldn’t be any good telling them that they had known each other for several months. Axel’s words of love meant nothing to his parents. And, ultimately, Roxas understood. He understood all too well how fleeting feelings of love could be. He felt resentful about being made conscious of it at that moment.

“I will find work. I’m going to start getting my life together while I’m here. Even if it means doing the odd casual job so I can get some money together to get myself a phone and laptop or something.” Roxas had changed his mind about pursuing his parents for money to help him out. He was even trying to figure out if Sora had enough space to put him up for several weeks, finding utter disdain in the idea of living under the same roof as his parents right now.

“I suppose that’s a start. Will you consider going back to university to finish your studies?” Roxas’ mother put forth gently enough, but it completely rubbed Roxas the wrong way.

“Just say it, mom. Say what a _huge_ disappointment I am to you! To the whole family!” Roxas put on a slightly deeper voice as he drawled with derisive sarcasm, “‘ _Roxas never achieved anything. We had ‘such. High. Hopes’ for him but he made poor life choices. He couldn’t even see anything through that he started, not even the relationship that cost him his degrees!’_ ” Roxas finished, his voice having risen to a yell with the heat of indignation coursing through him. It had forced him up on his feet and he now stood – in the middle of the restaurant with a bunch of eyes on him – causing a scene and finding himself unable to stop. He was too enraged with his parents and himself to stop. Too embarrassed of himself to stay. He left, pushing the chair with too much force against the table, causing drinks to spill, judging by the sound of tableware thunking and audible gasps behind himself.

He went out into the somewhat-crowded darkening street and just walked around. He didn’t know where he was going and didn’t really care at that moment. He just wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. A huge, hurtful wound had been opened in his chest. It hurt too much to think about. He wanted Axel, which caused him more heartache and tears. He missed Axel so much. He was an idiot for ever having left him to come here, of all places. Axel wouldn’t ever judge him. Axel had nothing but love and respect for him.

Those thoughts made his heart break so much that he couldn’t go any further. He doubled over in miserable pain and sunk to the pavement, clutching at his knees, while sobbing into his arms. Roxas thought himself such a fool. He never managed to make the right decisions about his life. He was an utter failure.

A warm touch was on his back after some time, drawing Roxas’ eyes up and around. Through the blur of waterworks, Roxas made out his father’s sad-but-no-less-kind smile. He looked tired, the silver flecks in his dark hair catching the street lights which by now had turned on. An intense wave of sobs and tears rolled through Roxas as he flung himself at his father, who hugged him back protectively. Soft shushing sounds and backrubs were given, and then, after some indeterminable amount of time, Roxas was hoisted up off the ground and walked supportively to goodness knew where.

They trudged along for a while. Roxas’ upset simmered down and his eyes had a chance to be a bit less waterlogged. Roxas began recognizing where they were going – it was back to the restaurant. Apprehension filled him, and he resisted his father’s forward motion. “I don’t wanna—”

“It’s okay. We’re going to the car. Your mom called your aunt Roseanne to get dropped off at home, so you don’t have to see her.”

A terrible feeling flooded Roxas. “She’s not mad, is she?”

“No, she’s not. She just wants to give you some space. We love you, Roxas. That will never change, no matter what you do.”

“Then what was that interrogation about?” He did nothing to mask the hurt in his voice.

His father sighed but still held Roxas firm around his waist as they went along, approaching the lot they had left their car at. “As your parents, we’re worried about you. We just want you to be happy and only asked you that stuff to get you to maybe start thinking more seriously about what you will do with yourself. If you want to go back to Pensacola to be with your boyfriend and cat, then of course you should do that. If you want to get a job, of course you should do that. If you wanted to get back into university, of course you could do that. Whatever you want to do really, we’ll always support you,” he said against Roxas’ ear as they went.

Sobs still raked through Roxas. Vestiges of tears still stung. “It didn’t feel like that,” he managed to say through the sniffles.

“I’m sorry about that.” They had reached their car. Roxas’ mother was nowhere in sight and Roxas was glad for that at this very moment.

“Your mom just wanted to be sure that you had a plan before we gave you this.”

An envelope was suddenly surrendered to Roxas. “What’s this?” he took it tentatively. It was thin, like there was nothing inside, but felt a little heavier than just a blank envelope.

“It’s for you.” The car was unlocked and Roxas was motioned to get in, which he did.

Doors opened and closed, seatbelts were buckled, the engine started up, and they drove off. Roxas carefully opened the envelope and shook the content out onto the palm of his hand. It was a bank card, with his name on it. He frowned at it, still not understanding. “What’s the card for?”

“It’s yours. There should be a statement in there too.”

Roxas, bewildered, re-examined the envelope to find a folded piece of paper inside. He opened it – and stared. “No. This is too much! How can you and mom afford this?”

“When you were born, we opened up a joint account for you. We’ve been putting money into it for the last twenty-five years. We wanted to give it to you when you graduated with the architecture degree, so you had something to start your life with. But – well, we held onto it, hoping to give it to you after the business degree. And then – well… never mind.”

Roxas felt himself sinking into the car seat. Shame stained his cheeks and embarrassment turned him stone cold, despite also feeling very hot and flushed.

“We’re really happy to hear that you’re trying to figure out your life, and hope this will go some way to starting that.”

Fresh tears welled. “Dad, I—” There were too many things to say and to feel. He rubbed at his face and cried. “I can’t accept this.”

A warm hand was on the back of his neck, holding and squeezing in a comforting way. “It’s yours. But you have to make it last. We’re not giving you a cent more,” his father said with warmth in his voice, conveying the sentiment that they would _always_ be there for Roxas, no matter what.

“Thanks,” was all that Roxas could muster.

When they arrived home Roxas made sure to give his mother a long hug and apologized to her as well.

* * *

 

Monday came around and it proved to be another busy day. The bank card in his mostly empty and disused wallet meant he had opportunities now. He could make a determined start on figuring out his life, and in his attempt to do so had lost serious hours of sleep the night before.

All it had netted him was a head full of ridiculous dreams and two actionable items: a phone and laptop. So Roxas went shopping that Monday, determined to do lots of window shopping, talk to sales reps and then make a decision at the end of the day, wanting to get a good deal. He didn’t plan on squandering the money, telling himself it was a finite resource that needed to last for a good long while. He was going to make the most of it, especially since he felt undeserving of it. But this was his parent’s gift to him. He needed to do them proud with it.

He arrived back home in time for dinner and then retreated into his room to set up his new electronics and to lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling as he waited for things to boot up and load. A world of possibility lay before him. He felt giddy, but also overwhelmed by the freedom. He could do things now. Could go places, achieve things. Why did it feel so crippling?

When his phone chimed, he spent the next few hours contacting everyone. Well, he only really had to get in touch with Sora, who spread news of Roxas’ contact information like wildfire. Roxas smiled happily as his phone went off the hook with text messages and phone calls for a considerable amount of time after having finished his chat with Sora.

By the time nine o’clock rolled around, Roxas’ phone had gone quiet. He did a quick time conversion in his head and instead of calling, sent Axel a text message.

Roxas  
  
**Today** 21:02 Hi Axel. It’s Roxas. This is my new number. I hope I’m not waking you up. I’ll call you in the morning if that’s alright.  


Roxas stared at his phone for a few moments. He wasn’t expecting anything since Axel was probably asleep, but he kind of wished to get something—he yelped.

The phone buzzed. Axel’s name lit up the screen. Roxas’ heart raced, his palms grew sweaty, and his smile was somewhere between nervous and elated. A giggle bubbled up. He accepted the call.

_“Roxas! My beautiful, gorgeous, sexy kitty cat! How are you?”_

A whole lot of love and longing filled him up at the sound of Axel’s sweet timbre. “Hey, Axel. What’re you doing up so late?”

_“Waiting on you to call me, duh.”_

“Sorry.” He had meant to say it with a laugh, but something inside Roxas broke, and mirth turning to a sob.

_“Babe, what’s wrong? I wasn’t actually waiting for you, I was tryin’ to be cute.”_

He laughed in a sad, barking sort of a way. “You _are_ cute. I’m not crying ‘cause of that.”

 _“Okay. Just thought I’d check. But what’re you crying about then? Did something happen?”_ There was urgency in his voice.

Roxas hummed and shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong. I’ve just missed your voice.” He sniffled, rubbed his face and willed himself to be stronger than this. “Sorry for being so pathetic.”

_“You’re adorable. I’ve missed you too.”_

A hurricane of butterflies raged inside his gut. “But _you’re_ not turning into a stupid mess over it.” Roxas reached over to his bedside stand, pulling at tissues and blowing his nose.

_“You can’t see it, but I’m grinning like a lunatic and my hands are shaking. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw your message. Oh hey – Cheshire’s meowing at me to stop hogging the call. Can you hear her? Here, tell her to calm down.”_

Roxas laughed through his tears. He _could_ hear her plaintive meows and chirps which grew louder as Axel seemed to bring his phone closer to her. A very loud meow traveled through the phone and pierced Roxas’ soul. His bittersweet smile stretched wide across his face. “Hey Cheshy,” he said loudly.

The meowing ceased, and purring began.

“Don’t give Axel such a hard time, okay? He’s doing us a massive favor looking after you.”

A softer meow sounded.

“I miss you too, baby girl.”

Axel was back on the line moments later, _“Well, she seems calmer now.”_

“She’s not been too much of a hassle, has she?”

 _“Nope. All good. No need to worry. I feed her and flush her poop, and we sit and watch quiz shows in the late afternoon. She’s quite good at guessing answers. You should enter her. Win some prizes.”_

Roxas imagined the pleasant smile on Axel’s face, as it was quite evident in his voice. His face stretched, cheeks hurting. It was all so nice, though the distance between them was a dull ache in his chest. “Maybe I will. I can sell the prizes and then become rich.”

 _“Brilliant business idea. Let’s do it!”_

Roxas gave a laughing hum which ended in a sigh.

_"So how are you, Rox? Can I take you messaging me as a good sign?”_

“I’m all right. Got myself set up with a phone and laptop today.”

_"I take it your parents came through for you?”_

Roxas wanted to say, ‘More than you know,’ but refrained. It somehow didn’t sit right to admit to anyone at present what a large sum of money he had gotten hold of. “Yeah,” was all he said.

_"What’s the matter?”_

“Nothing.”

A pause, and then, _"Rox, remember what we talked about before you left?"_

“That I should get you a souvenir?”

_"You totally should, but no, that wasn’t it. I want us to be honest with each other, especially since I can’t walk in on you being all sad to clue me in that something is wrong."_

Roxas smiled sadly at his carpet. The conversation he had with his parents still ran through his head, even though everything was good between them. “It’s nothing to worry you with.”

_"It sounds like it’s bothering you though. I’m here for you to share your troubles with."_

He inhaled deeply, trying to keep his emotions in check. “Shit, I love you so much,” he squeaked, having failed miserably at restraint.

_"I’m sorry. Don’t cry."_

“No, it’s okay. Um… I’ve just been under too much scrutiny these last few days and everything’s kind of a bit much.”

_"Make yourself comfy, grab a pillow and pretend you’re snuggling me and tell me all about it."_

That response made Roxas chortle. “Really?”

 _"Yeah, really. I’m gonna do the same. Just gotta find a small enough pillow,”_ Axel said, all cheek.

“Hey!” Roxas’ laughter grew stronger and the tension melted a little. Axel had that effect on him – had _always_ had that effect on him.

_"Looks like I’m outta luck. My regular pillow will just have to do.”_

“Same. I don’t have a freakishly long body pillow laying around.” Roxas put his phone on speaker, lay back on his bed, one pillow behind his head and the other having the heck hugged out of it.

_"You all snuggled down?”_

“Yep. Pillow’s not as good as you though.”

 _“I feel you… or ‘wish’ I could anyway._ _But this’ll have to do for now. So, lay here next to me, head on my chest and tell me what’s been bothering you while I run my fingers through your hair.”_

Roxas buried his face into the pillow he was hugging, trying to remember what Axel even smelled like. “Some people have been on me about getting into another relationship so quickly after ending it with Vanitas.”

 _"Oh?_ ”

“You still brushing my hair?”

_"Yeah, totally."_

Roxas ran a hand through his hair, trying to imagine it. “Okay. I’m squeezing your chest, so you can barely breathe.”

 _"Thanks,_ ” Axel wheezed, making Roxas laugh lightly. Moments later a thoughtful hum came through the line and Axel’s voice, slow and measured, said, _“You know… this isn’t ‘actually’ the first I’ve heard of this kind of questioning.”_

“Whaddya mean?” An uneasy feeling made Roxas’ gut twist a bit.

 _“One of my friends kind of said the same sorta thing to me once – that ‘maybe’ we shouldn’t have jumped straight into a relationship so soon after you ended your last one.”_

“Oh. Really?” Relief blew through Roxas. It was nice to know he wasn’t the _only_ one getting shit for this. But simultaneously he also felt _sicker_ because why were so many people on about the same thing if it wasn’t true?

 _“Yeah.”_

“Y-you think they’re right?”

 _“No. Definitely not,”_ Axel said with a lot of conviction.

“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

 _“No, I’m not. I mean, clearly, we have some things to work through, but I feel we ‘are’ working through it, ‘together,’ y’know? You being in Atlantica right now is us working through it. We’re a team. We lift each other up. I think it’s okay for us to be together, no matter what other people say. We’ll find ways to make it work.”_

Roxas felt Axel’s words imbue him with strength and fortify his soul. “Yeah?”

 _“Yeah,”_ Axel said with gentleness.

Roxas squeezed his pillow. An overwhelming feeling of love coursed through him. “H-how did you handle being told something like that?”

 _“I uh,”_ A small, nervous laugh sounded, _“didn’t listen. I mean… I was worried about you, but I never thought it was the ‘right’ move for us. I tried to give you some space though. But I guess that was kind of hard since my place is so small. Does that answer your question? I mostly ignored it, I guess. I know ‘us’ better than people not in this relationship.”_

Roxas nodded and hummed along, his brow creasing deep in thought. “So I should just ignore it.”

Axel hummed. _“In my own self-interest, I’m gonna say ‘yes’. —Are the people saying these things people who matter to you?"_ Axel suddenly added.

Roxas wished he could tell Axel it was just very old friends he had fallen out of touch with, but… “Well… my friend Hayner – but mainly my parents.”

_"Ouch."_

“Sorry, I won’t squeeze so hard,” he tried to make light of the situation.

_"No, you’re fine. Don’t even think about moving or easing up on the squeeze."_

“Okay, I won’t…. Please don’t worry, Axel. It’s nothing.”

 _“But it sounds like it’s bothering you. And if it bothers you, I want to be there for you. You can talk to me about it.”_

“It’s…” Roxas sighed. “Um… it’s not _really_ bothering me. I think… it’s just draining? I’ve had a few tough days talking to my mom, but she _is_ supportive of me being happy. She just worries and has a way of talking that can be kind of harsh at times. But she means well. Everyone means well.” It felt like Roxas was trying to sound reassuring for his own benefit, more so than Axel’s.

_"Now it’s an ‘everyone?’ How many people are actually bothered by us dating? You can tell me, you know.”_

“No, that’s not—I didn’t mean it like that. No one’s bothered by it. People just want me to be all right since my last – and to be fair, _only_ – relationship kind of stunk.”

Axel was quiet for a moment before he spoke up, _"I want you to be all right too, Roxas. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we prove all those naysayers in our lives wrong.”_

Roxas huffed with a small laugh. “I’ll do my best to prove them wrong too.”

 _“Yeah, teamwork!”_ Axel enthused, which grew Roxas’ laughter.

 _“You know,”_ Axel continued, _“if you’re getting uncomfortable and feel like everyone’s giving you shit, you can always come back to me."_

Roxas smiled softly into the pillow. “I did think about that, but… I don’t think it would sit well with me to just take my parents’ money and then leave again.”

 _“Damn you and your principals, Roxas,”_ Axel said, a chuckle lighting his voice.

“Sorry.”

“ _Nah, it’s cool. So other than those worrying thoughts, everything else has been all right?”_

“Yeah, definitely. It’s been amazing seeing my friends and family again. Even the aunts and uncles I don’t like much. It’s nice to be back to see everyone and hear about everyone’s lives. Makes me realize how much I’ve missed. It was like I was dead with Vanitas.”

 _"Are they calling you zombie boy?"_ came the tease.

“Not yet. Don’t you dare start a trend.”

 _“Damn. How else will I entertain myself now?”_

“I’ll find some stuff for you to do.”

“ _Oh? I like the sound of that."_

Roxas could easily visualize the sultry look and the kiss that would normally accompany a response like that. He shivered and tried to snap himself out of it. “Yeah, for one, you could start by accepting my friend request.” Warmth began to gather in the pit of his stomach. He scrambled off his bed and went to his desk where he had his laptop sitting and brought it back to the bed, positioning it in such a way that he could see it while still hugging his pillow.

_"Friend request? What friend request? All I’ve been getting is one from a… Sora Durrington. Do you have a weird alias I don’t know about? ‘Cause I keep declining it, but it keeps popping up like the guy can’t take an obvious hint. I’m ‘this’ close to blocking him."_

Roxas laughed with surprise. “Sora? He’s my cousin. Feel free to accept or reject him. He can feel a bit intense for those uninitiated.”

_"You like him? He one of your more likable relatives?"_

“Oh yeah. By a mile.” Roxas woke his laptop up and navigated to his internet browser. “But if you don’t want to accept his friend request then don’t. I’ll have a word with him about leaving you alone.”

_"Oh, I don’t mind. It’s just that I never heard of the guy, and the spam seemed a bit creepy obsessive and completely out of the blue.”_

“Sorry. Sora likes to make everyone else’s business his own and you came up in conversation.”

_"I did? Nothing bad I hope.”_

“Oh no. Definitely not.”

_"Ah, good. Is Sora one of the people who think we shouldn’t be dating?”_

“Oh no. He’s the complete opposite actually. He thinks we’re meant to be.”

 _"Oh,"_ stilted laughter sounded. _"Why’s he think that?"_

“He’s a bit crazy and thinks he can tell the good in other people by just looking at them. Says his gaydar is tuned in to who’s perfect for each other.” Roxas felt himself flushing.

 _"He said that about us? That we’re ‘perfect’ for each other?"_ Axel’s voice had dropped an octave.

Roxas’ cheeks were heating up. He tried to ignore it and navigated to his social media profile, looking at the pending request on Axel’s profile. “Yeah. He saw your profile picture and said you were a good person and that we’re meant to be together.”

 _“I should definitely accept his friend request then,"_ Axel laughed eagerly.

“Only if you want to. There’s no obligation. Same with _my_ friend request.”

 _"You, I’ll definitely accept in a heartbeat,”_ Axel practically purred down the line.

Roxas could feel his heart melt and his desire pooling. “Thanks, Axel. I… really like your profile picture.”

 _"You do?"_ his voice dripped with husky sex appeal.

“Yeah. I, ah… I used to look at it before—”

_"Oh, Roxas.”_

Roxas took a deep, shaky inhale and savored the intense shiver which ran down his spine at the way Axel said his name; rumbly, deep, sensual.

_"Mmm, you like it when I say your name like that? Roxas."_

There it was again. Roxas moaned a little. “What’re you doing, Ax?”

_"Making you hot, apparently. I’m kissing your neck and running my fingers down to your belly button."_

For a moment, Roxas got caught up in Axel’s words. But only for a moment. “Ax, this is ridiculous.”

_"Tell me to stop and I will. I’m undoing your pants and biting your shoulder gently."_

“I…” more shivers tingled along Roxas’ spine. He missed Axel so much, both emotionally and physically, “don’t want you to stop.”

 _“Good, I don’t want to stop either. I’m kissing your neck and rubbing your cock.”_

Roxas bit at his lip. His hand was already fondling the buttons on his jeans. He opened his eyes and swallowed the thick lump sitting in his throat. “Ax… if we do this… just give me thirty seconds. I need to… get earbuds, and put on some music and… I need lube.”

Axel purred and gave a sultry chuckle. _"Okay, babe. I’ll wait for you.”_

Roxas’ head was all over the place. He had no lubricant. Not even any condoms. He hadn’t thought he would be having sex, let alone phone sex, while he was away from Axel. A stupid oversight really.

He ventured out of his room and snuck into the kitchen, pouring some olive oil into a glass, grabbed a fresh box of tissues and headed back to his room, all thankfully unseen. He then quickly streamed some music on his laptop, not too loud to cause his parents to come knocking – telling him to turn it down – but hopefully loud enough to muffle any sounds Roxas was probably going to make.

Bluetooth earbuds were in and synced to his phone – so he could hear Axel’s sexiness – and oil and tissues were within easy reach. “I’m back,” he announced.

 _"That took a bit longer than expected. Had trouble sourcing your lube?"_ Axel’s laugh rumbled into Roxas’ abdomen.

“Yeah. Had to rummage through the kitchen. Sorry for ruining the mood. We don’t have to—”

_"Hush, babe. You went to the trouble of finding something to slick yourself up with. That’s dedication. This is happening. I’ve been stroking myself while I waited so I could still be hard for you."_

A sharp throb ran along Roxas’ shaft, and his stomach lining tingled. “Keep talking like that and I’ll be hard for you too, in no time.”

Axel hummed pleasingly, _"Mmm, I love making you hard. So, let’s see… where were we, oh yes, I was kissing you. I’m licking up your neck and nibbling. My hand’s massaging and rubbing you through your pants."_

Roxas dragged the heel of his palm over his groin, imagining it being Axel’s. He hummed quietly, enjoying the feel, but also being painfully aware of his surroundings and the ridiculousness of what they were doing. He had to… needed to? Was he supposed to say something back to Axel? “Ax, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to say something stupid.”

_"Just tell me what you’re doing to yourself."_

“I… I’m pretending you’re touching me—this is dumb. I can’t do this.” But he didn’t stop rubbing himself.

_"No. It’s hot. Where’re you touching yourself?"_

“I’m—” Roxas undid his pants, slid them down a little, and dove in, “touching my cock. Cupping – my balls.” He fondled himself, wanting Axel to touch him all over, wanting… just _wanting_. “I want you,” he husked.

Axel moaned. _“How? How can I please you?”_

Roxas’ natural reaction was to downplay – to not ask for anything – to just take whatever Axel wanted to do to him… but this… this was different. Axel wasn’t here to lose himself in Roxas’ body. Maybe it was okay to ask… to imagine – pretend – _indulge…_ “I… I want your hot hands on me. I want your mouth on me.” Roxas still felt self-conscious doing this. He was scared of offending Axel.

Axel moaned through the line. _“You want me sucking on your hot cock? Rub my tongue over your slit, make you shiver and moan?”_

Roxas sucked air into his chest. “Yes. Go down on me… please.”

Axel moaned softly through the line. _"Okay, babe. I’m gonna do that. Gonna run my tongue up your cock, rub against you, scrape my teeth up your shaft, make you tingle all over. Then I’m gonna take you all the way in and suck until you cream into my mouth and I’m gonna swallow every drop and kiss you so deeply after."_

A shaky breath left Roxas and he dipped his fingers into the glass of oil, spreading the liquid between his digits and then returning his hand onto his semi-hardon. A pleased sigh escaped him as the rough friction of his hand gave way to smooth motions after a few strokes. “Ax, I’m touching myself. You’re making me so hard.”

Axel hummed his delight. _“Go on. Tell me everything you’re doing and thinking about.”_

“I’m – imagining you between my legs. Bobbing up and down. God, your tongue and mouth are amazing. I love you touching me.” Roxas stroked himself, trying to grasp at all fragmented memories of Axel’s past touches. “You’re so hot. I run my hand through your hair and pull—”

Axel grunted.

Roxas shivered and relaxed. He loved pulling Axel’s hair. He loved _that sound_ out of the man when he was tending to Roxas’ cock. “Take me deeper, Ax. Deeper,” he urged on, working his hand over himself in a nice, fast rhythm and palming his other hand over his stomach.

Heavy panting came through the line, and Roxas could also hear his own equally labored breathing through the earbuds. It was weird but nice. Roxas missed Axel even more. He wanted more than this. A flash of pumping into Axel filled his mind’s eye. Roxas wanted that. Would it be okay to ask? He felt foolish, but maybe also a little bit brave. It felt safer with so much distance between them. If Axel rejected the idea, then he would know not to ask again.

“Axel?”

_"Mm?"_

“Can we stop?”

More panting and then a reluctant, _"Yeah? Everything okay? This isn’t working for you?"_

“It’s good but… I wanna hear you talking to me. I—has anyone ever told you that your voice is pure sex?” There was no harm in buttering Axel up first, surely.

Axel chuckled, and rumbled, _"I had an idea, but it’s nice to be told.”_

“God, yes. That voice. I wish your voice could fuck me,” Roxas moaned into his arm and felt more desire pool in the pit of his stomach.

_"Anything you want, Roxas."_

Roxas shivered and mewled at his name rolling off Axel’s tongue, while Axel chuckled.

“Can I…” Roxas’ voice died. He couldn’t do it.

Axel remained quiet, seemingly waiting for Roxas’ request. When it didn’t come, he asked, _“What do you want?”_

“I…” He looked down at himself. He was still hard, pre-come dripping onto his abdomen. He wanted Axel so badly… but bad enough to make a complete fool of himself? To potentially cause Axel to reject him?

 _“You can tell me. I want to hear what turns you on – what will satisfy you – what will make you cum so hard you lose your mind.”_

Roxas whimpered and squeezed his cockhead, wishing it was something else engulfing him rather than his own palm. “I want… I… I want to fuck your ass, Ax.” Roxas’ face burned, and his heart raced. He felt the nervous tremble in his body and his fingers clenched in apprehension.

The pause felt like forever.

 _“You what?”_ Axel asked quietly.

 _Oh, God!_ Axel was so mad. “I… I want you to fuck my ass, please,” he mewled, cursing that Axel wasn’t physically there to placate.

_“No, you said… you want to fuck me?... In the ass?... With your dick?”_

Roxas didn’t know whether to laugh at Axel or feel offended. He huffed, unsure but definitely feeling amused. “What else would I be… I’m sorry?” he finished in a squeak.

_“N-no. God, please don’t—since when have you… you like being on top?”_

“I… I’m so sorry.”

 _“No, Rox. Don’t apologize.”_ All allure was gone out of Axel’s voice. He sounded huffy and slightly flustered. _“I… I’ve wanted your dick in me since the day I met you.”_

Roxas stared across his room, unseeing. He felt like his earbuds were malfunctioning. “You… want me… in _you?_ In your _ass?_ But…”

Axel huffed out a small amused sound, _“I’m versatile, but yeah, I actually prefer that.”_

Roxas inhaled a deep, shaky breath. “But why—you... we—”

 _“You… I always just thought… you never said anything. If you wanted to pound me you should have said something, or just done it.”_ Axel groaned and Roxas couldn’t tell if it was in pleasure or irritation _. “I would have loved you doing me like that every night.”_

Now it was Roxas’ turn to groan, and he didn’t know if it was with lust or frustration. “I would have loved doing you every night too.”

Axel grunted, _“Lemme get a plane ticket. I’ll catch a red-eye and be there before morning.”_

Roxas laughed.

 _“I mean it,”_ came the dead-serious response.

A flush ran through Roxas’ body. He wanted that so much, but it was completely out of the question. He was beginning to feel sick with guilt just thinking about it. “Oh. N-no, I couldn’t ask that of you. I… um…”

_“Shit, sorry, Rox. I know you need some you-time. Sorry. Birdo’s taking over my brain.”_

Axel’s words completely dislodged the growing disquiet in Roxas’ head. “Birdo? I thought… what happened to Yoshi?”

_“Yoshi’s still here and missing you.”_

“But what about…”

 _“Just think about it for a moment,”_ Axel supplemented gently.

Roxas did and then exclaimed, “ _Oh, gross_ ,” with a shudder and a shrill laugh.

Axel’s lively laugh also filled the phone line.

Roxas composed himself enough to continue, “You seriously are taking these Nintendo references too far. I’m never going to be able to look at Mario Kart the same way ever again.”

_“Then my job here is done. I’ll beat your Rainbow Road high score easily now.”_

“You play so dirty.”

Axel chuckled as did Roxas and a lull descended on them both. Roxas looked at his phone and ran this new piece of information about Axel’s preferences through his head. “So… you _really_ like…” his voice died in his throat.

_“Cock up my Birdo? Yeah.”_

“Oh my God! Please, you need to stop referring to yourself like that,” Roxas almost screamed with only the slightest bit of actual upset. His laugh gave his true feelings readily away.

Axel tittered. _“If it breaks the tension, I’m gonna refer to my junk any way I see fit.”_

A soft smile lit Roxas’ face. “Thanks, Ax.”

_“Your welcome—but yeah, I really ‘do’ like a hard fuck up in my ass. Do you want to keep going? You can pretend—I’ll pretend with you. Honestly, I’ve already got my fingers up my ass wishing you were here.”_

Roxas whimpered. His desire rekindled in the blink of an eye and all amusement was pushed out of him. “Okay, yeah. Um… so… I…” a sinking feeling came over him. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re all floppy by now.”

 _“Nah, babe. I’ve got a raging boner for you. My ass aches for you. Fuck me hard, and raw, and oh, God, please pull my fucking hair while you pound into me.”_ Axel’s words were thick and tense with lust.

Roxas swallowed the big lump in his throat and his voice felt hoarse as he muttered a simple, “Okay.” His heart hammered painfully against his chest and he felt hot all over. Axel had just said… _begged_ … Roxas barely stifled the moan, but… “I, um…” he felt completely lost.

 _“Let’s start from the top.”_ Axel chuckled, seemingly amused by himself. _“I pull you on top of me, sliding your pants off your hips and touching your ass. I love your ass.”_

Roxas shivered with arousal and tittered a little. “Thanks. Um… I’m kissing your lips and running my hand down your body. Down, down, under your pants—”

 _"I’m already naked from the waist down. Just stretch me open with your cock. Don’t even worry about fingers. Just fuck me. Fill me up. I need you."_ Amusement gave way to an almost needy beg.

Roxas groaned and quickly peeled his shirt off and slid his jeans down to his knees. “Okay. Man, you’re demanding,” Roxas huffed with amusement, which took the rest of his nerves – and disbelief that this was actually happening right now – away. He dipped his fingers into the oil and slicked himself up a little more, getting rid of any dry spots that might interfere with pumping himself furiously.

 _"Better get used to it. I’m a demanding bottom,”_ Axel hummed pleasantly. _“What kinda top are you?”_ There was hunger in his voice.

“I… ah… I… don’t know. I’ve never – Vanitas never let me, but—I’m sorry.”

_“No. Don’t apologize for something like that. You can always do whatever you want with me. No matter how kinky or weird it might be. I wanna do and try everything with you, every which way.”_

It touched Roxas deeply. He felt overcome by emotion. “I love you.”

 _“I love you too. So, come on, fill me up, babe,”_ Axel rumbled. _“My ass is waiting. I’ve got my fingers in, fucking myself, waiting for you.”_ A moan rumbled through the phone line.

Roxas’ breath caught in his chest. His erection was stiff and pulsing, dripping pre-come onto himself. The image and knowledge of Axel taking cock – wanting to take _his_ cock – Roxas moaned and resumed stroking himself firmly. Regret over not having spoken up before now definitely plagued him but he pushed it aside. He was going to make the most of this new found revelation. “Well, here goes then – I run my cock up your thigh, trailing pre-come all over you. You make me so fucking wet.” Roxas closed his eyes and pictured Axel below him. Axel’s low moan in his ears helped make it all the more real. “I keep going until I reach your cock and rub myself up against you.”

_”Mm, like at the drive-in?"_

“Yeah. And while we’re frotting I’m kissing you and pushing my fingers into you, while you’re fingering yourself, stretching you out more.”

 _”Keep talking,”_ Axel grunted.

Roxas had to swallow the lump that formed in his throat once more. Axel bottomed! He couldn’t get over it. Roxas felt like this was all a dream he would wake up from.

_”Rox, you there?"_

Roxas shook himself out of the fog his mind had gotten caught in. “Yeah, I’m here. Just… imagining you fingering yourself.”

_”You want to see?"_

Butterflies kicked up a storm in his gut again. “How?”

_”We can webcam if you want.”_

“We can?”

 _”Yeah. Want to?”_ Hot and heavy suggestion lay between them.

Roxas wanted to come, he wanted to see Axel blow his load. He almost said yes, but then got cold feet. “Maybe tomorrow. I… I’d have to set stuff up and… I really just want to get us off as quickly as possible.”

Axel chuckled hastily and said, _“Are you gonna be an impatient top?”_

A sudden gush of insecurity washed through Roxas. Axel would hate anything Roxas would give him. He was too inexperienced. He’d probably blow inside of Axel after just one thrust. He wished he had kept his mouth shut. “I… I don’t know. I’m… I’m sorry.”

_”Please don’t apologize, Roxas. I’m just teasing you. I’ll be happy to be your guinea pig any day of the week.”_

Roxas rubbed his lips together and tried to calm himself down a little. “What do you like?”

_”Me? I like it rough and hard. I want to be dominated by your cock. I want you to make me beg for you. You can fuck me with no prep or take all the time in the world teasing me, making me wet and screaming for your cock. Basically, I want you any way that you want to fuck me.”_

Roxas gulped and his erection twitched. Axel was such a wet dream. “I just want you so badly right now. I’m so horny for you, Axel,” Roxas husked, pushing his hips up into the air a little and squeezing his cock, rubbing his slit the way he liked best. He tried to ignore the negative thoughts in his head and got back into the moment “I pull my fingers out of you and push my cock against your—” Roxas didn’t know what to call it. Was there a sexy word for butthole? “Birdo.”

The phone line crackled with Axel’s laughter.

Roxas felt deeply embarrassed. His cheeks were heating up and his palms grew sweaty. “Sorry. I’m bad at this. We should just stop.”

 _“No, no. You’re adorable. Push into me, Roxas. Let me feel your girth stretch me out and fill me up. My hole is so wet for your fat cock.”_ Axel pleaded in the sexiest way Roxas thought possible.

Roxas pumped himself, his hand gripping tight to simulate the friction of entering Axel. “I’m pushing into you.” He groaned, sighed, and hummed. “You’re so tight, Ax. I wanna be all the way in you. I wanna fill you up with so much cum and watch it leak out of you.”

_"Yes, yes! Push in all the way, babe. Fill me up. Make me leak! Make me your creampie. I’m touching myself, wishing it was you.”_

“I am. I am. I’m pounding you into the mattress, Ax. Pushing all the way in, and nearly all the way back out.” Roxas pumped his hot and engorged shaft like he had never done before. His hips bucked involuntarily with every flick of the wrist, and his eyes squeezed shut to better imagine Axel’s body and fucking himself in Axel’s ass.

 _“Pull my hair. Make me your bitch,_ ” Axel whined in a higher pitch.

“I’m pulling your hair hard, forcing you down with kisses. Pushing – ramming my cock into you. You’re so hot, so tight. Ah – I wanna cum,” he moaned while he pumped himself furiously, feeling the tingling sensation of his nerve ending with every brush against his weeping slit.

Axel hissed. Roxas kept rocking his hips as he pumped himself closer to oblivion. His short, quiet moans turned into long and deep ones as he imagined Axel under him, writhing, begging, screaming for him.

 _”Yes, yes. Fuck me harder Roxas, fuck me so hard and deep. I’m your bitch, make me your bitch. My fingers can’t do you justice.”_

“I’m rubbing your nipples, kissing your neck—biting your neck. The bed’s shaking, I’m pounding into you so hard,” his voice trembled with the strain of his masturbation. His whole body vibrated, felt searing hot and hard, tense, and squeezed tight to its maximum.

Axel responded with a wall of pleasurable sound, which swelled the tension and desire in the pit of Roxas’ stomach. _“Rox,”_ Axel moaned. _“My fingers… so deep in my ass. Your cock – your fat cock – filling me up. Give it to me, baby!”_

Roxas was so close. His head buzzed, his balls felt like they were being sucked into his body with the anticipation of the best fucking jerk-off he’s ever had, and the base of his penis fizzed, sending him to a new level of frantic masturbation. “Cum all over yourself, Axel, so I can lick it off you,” he groaned absently, imagining his fantasy of there being cum everywhere over them, and them not possessing a care in the world about any of it.

 _“Make me filthy,”_ Axel breathed out and then Roxas heard it, the telltale sound of Axel releasing and climax, in the way his breath hitched and the way he moaned Roxas’ name. Roxas imagined Axel spraying his load all up Roxas’ abdomen, and it oozing down and covering Axel as well. He thumbed over his head with fevered vigor with one hand while pumping himself with the other, causing fizzing heat to spread and engulf his shaft. He gave a strangled cry as glorious ecstasy washed through him, and his orgasm shot out, spilling thick, white heat up his stomach. He kept pumping, shuddering, and shivering with every frantic jerk and then slowed before laying limp on his bed, breathing heavily once the waves of pleasure subsided.

Axel’s equally labored breath sounded in his ears. Breathing turned to sharp gasps, which turned into laughter. Roxas joined in, giggling and sucking in air in between the small laughing fits.

Eventually, Axel spoke. _"Man, you’re just amazing, Roxas. Yoshi loves you. Birdo is going to have a fucking trip to heaven and back with you, and I fucking love you too. I never thought you’d have phone sex with me.”_

“Yeah,” Roxas chuckled, his voice heavy with exhaustion and his body certainly feeling it too. “I can’t believe I’m indulging your silly names for your junk and I def never thought I’d be doing this with you either. Guess you make me want to do things with you that I’ve never tried before,” he huffed out, smiling up to the ceiling but barely seeing it.

Axel hummed. _“That just makes you even ‘more’ amazing, Roxas. And… I’ll tell you a secret… I feel safe with you. That’s why I tell you my silly little names for my cock and ass, so thank you, Roxas. I really do love you.”_

Roxas’ chest fluttered, and those light stirrings seeped deep into his body, filling him up with a different sort of heat – one that was deep, rich, and would linger long after his heart rate had returned to normal. “Thank you, Axel,” is all that Roxas could get out.

_“No, thank ‘you’, babe.”_

Their heavy breathing sounded for a while before Axel asked, _“Hey, since I make you want to do things… how would you feel about webcamming in the future?”_

“Ah…” An embarrassed flush raced through him and a shy smile tugged at his lips. He felt incredibly self-conscious all of a sudden. But he felt brave as well, “Only if I can see you finger yourself into orgasm,” he got out with far more strength and confidence than he had thought possible.

_“Ahh, you’re making me shiver. It’s a deal. And I want to see you jack off while you moan my name.”_

A post-orgasm shudder ran through Roxas. He felt so good, so calm, so relaxed, so… accepted and loved. His beaming smile stretched ever wider. “Okay, deal.”

Both men laughed a little.

 _”You’re so amazing,"_ Axel said again, his voice light and breathy.

“I love you, Axel.”

_”I miss you, babe. The last few days were agony, but if we do more of this, then I think I’ll survive the two months.”_

“Got it. I’ll get you off, to keep you alive.”

 _”Thanks. You’re so good to me._ ”

Roxas began to wipe himself up. “So.”

_”So.”_

“What are you doing up so late? I didn’t wake you or anything, right?”

_”Nah. I’m trying to get used to my old work hours. Gonna go back on Thursday. I’m pretty enough now that Marluxia’s letting me back in.”_

“Oh cool. Anything changing with your new management position?”

_”Not really. I’ve still got the same work hours, but now have extra work to do in making sure everyone else knows what they’re supposed to be doing. I might not be behind the bar as much. That’s the only real change I can see.”_

“You think you’ll miss it?”

 _“Yes and no. The pay raise is nice, the experience will be good. But I also think I like being lazy and minding my own business. Making sure everyone else is doing their job right might cramp my style. I’ll see how I go._ ”

“You’ll be great. Just channel your bossy bottom.”

Axel laughed. “ _Awesome idea. Thanks, babe._ ”

“You’re welcome.” Roxas sat up, finding his clothes and putting them back on.

There was quiet between them. Roxas locked his laptop. “Hey, Ax, I’ll go now.”

 _”Do you have to? I miss you, Rox,_ ” Axel sounded genuinely sad.

“I miss you too. We’ll talk again tomorrow. We can contact each other whenever now. It won’t be so bad.”

 _”Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I’ll stop moping. It’s not sexy._ ”

Roxas laughed, disconnected his earbuds and turned the speakerphone off. He picked up his phone and used it normally. “You’re always sexy, no matter what you do.”

_”Thanks for the vote of confidence.”_

“You’re welcome. Goodnight, Axel.”

_”Night, Roxas.”_

The last thing Roxas did that night was to set up his passcode and fingerprint recognition to unlock his phone. He felt wonderful.

* * *

 

Tuesday came around and Roxas woke up on a high as Axel filled his brain. That was even before the first text message was exchanged between them—

Roxas  
  
**Today** 8:54 Good morning (Sparkling Heart )  
  
**Today** 09:17 Axel  
Morning sugar buns!  
  


That started them off on a text exchange which lasted the whole day. It made Roxas super happy.

His parents noticed the good mood. His friends, Alfie, Hayner, Naminé, and Sora, who he met up with for lunch, noticed too.

His good mood became even more apparent after he received a photo from Axel. It was of Cheshire with a big prissy bow tied to her collar and the sourest expression on her furry little face. The humongous grin on Roxas’ face piqued everyone’s interest and Roxas was ordered to show them the picture, which he gladly did.

Between all the texting he was doing with Axel and hanging out with his friends and family, Roxas didn’t get much done that day. By evening it occurred to him that he had wasted his day, so he decided to rectify that. Roxas did, after all, want to get a start on making himself a spreadsheet to monitor his expenses and to think about what he wanted to do with his life. But then, after dinner, he received a plea of— 

Roxas  
  
**Today** 19:29 Axel  
Rrroxxxasss!!!!!  
  
I don’t think that text has the kind of effect that you want it to have.  
  


He then received a voice recording of Axel saying Roxas’ name in that same sexy way as the night before, which started off their night of phone foreplay and ended in webcam masturbation.

* * *

 

Wednesday was much like Tuesday. There had been an invite to go out for dinner and clubbing because Wednesday nights were apparently the night most of his friends tried to meet up together to hang out as not to lose connection through their ever-busying lives. Roxas had declined, saying he was busy, but as the day progressed it turned out that Axel had to duck into work for some orientation into his new role which started the next day. So Roxas decided to go out with his friends to pass the time, after all. He contacted Sora, who cheered and said he would be around after work with some clothes for Roxas, as Roxas had left his nicer things back at Axel’s place.

Since it was only a little after midday when Roxas found himself alone, he browsed the internet, watched some videos, did some budgeting, and before he knew it Sora was poking the heck out of the doorbell.

It wasn’t too long after that, that they left, picking up Susan, Naminé, and Ross along the way to their usual hang out spot, where they then proceeded to have a nice late-afternoon and evening out.

Roxas listened diligently as his friends spoke about a world he hadn’t been a part of for nearly a decade. It was disorienting and isolating, but he smiled when eye contact was made and laughed when everyone else laughed. His mind was elsewhere though, and he watched the time tick by and waited to be reunited with Axel.

Salvation came by way of his phone vibrating in his pocket. A message from Axel containing a cute photo of Cheshire curled up on his chest made Roxas’ heart melt.

Roxas  
  
**Today** 18:47 You’re back already?  
  
Axel  
Yeah only couple hours instead of full shift  
  
Damn. I should have stayed home.  
  
**Today** 18:48 Axel  
Nah u have fun with ur friends  
  
I can’t after seeing that photo. I’m jealous.  
  
Axel  
Don’t be she’s only a pussy. U know I love cock. (Winky Face Blowing A Kiss )   
  


Roxas laughed quietly and kept one eye on his phone and the other on the conversation at hand.

After their meals and desserts were finished, they headed down the road to Twilight’s End, a club with a pleasing enough retro vibe. The bar was all garish metal-red and shimmering white. Black and white checkered flooring and an insanely reflective disco ball hung over the dance floor. There were a few arcade games in a room at the back of the dance space, which was where they headed to, so they could compete against each other.

When Roxas wasn’t busy trying to beat Hayner and Gabby at racing games, he was busy on his phone to Axel. He even took a few snaps to show him the arcade.

Roxas  
  
**Today** 19:55 For our bar?  
  
**Today** 19:56 Axel  
Cool! I’ll add it to the list!  
  
**Today** 19:57 Axel  
Babe, take a photo of u for me? I haven’t seen u in 4ever.  
  


Roxas found it cute that Axel felt like a day was ‘forever.’ His cheeks flushed thinking of their webcam session last night. He didn’t let himself linger on it too much, instead, obliging Axel’s request and Sora photobombing him.

“What’re you guys talking about?” Sora sing-songed with hefty insinuation.

“The club and how cool it is.”

“Mhmm, that’s why you had to take a photo of yourself,” Sora smirked and elbowed Roxas.

Roxas laughed and looked at his phone but hid it a second later as Sora tried to peek at Axel’s response. Apparently, it hadn’t been quick enough.

“He thinks you’re super sexy? Tell him he’s got my clothes to thank for that,” Sora laughed.

“Give your phone a rest, Pineapple. You’ve been flirting all night. Time to take a thrashing from me in Street Fighter,” Hayner challenged.

Roxas obliged, and when he lost quite fast, he didn’t care because it meant he could get back to talking to Axel. Since apparently, he hadn’t been subtle about his correspondence, he now openly texted back when it seemed like not much else was happening.

Alfie complained after a bit, “C’mon, Pineapple, have a game with us.”

“In a minute.”

“You said that five minutes ago,” Alfie whined.

“Leave him alone for now. Pineapple’s deeply engrossed in spending time with his boyfriend, who he’ll get to see every day. His friends, who he hasn’t seen in years, just aren’t important enough,” came Gabby’s offhand remark as she was concentrating on beating Naminé’s Pac-Man high score.

“He’s excused. I’d be spending every second of my life talking to my soulmate too if I had his number—Oooh, ooh! Watch out! The ghost’s coming for you!” Sora squeaked, pointing at the CRT screen.

Roxas  
  
**Today** 20:25 Looks like my friends are getting a bit jealous of me spending so much time talking to you  
  
Axel  
Well I’m jealous of them getting to breathe the same air as u. But go spend time with them. I’ll be here waiting for u with my webcam whenever u get home (Winking Face )(Aubergine ≊ Eggplant)(Winking Face )(Aubergine ≊ Eggplant)(Winking Face ) (Aubergine ≊ Eggplant)  
  
I’ll try to be home before it gets too late for you.  
  
**Today** 20:26 Axel  
Don’t sweat it. I’ll be here (Sparkling Heart )  


Roxas sent a smiley face, put his phone away, and rejoined his friends.

A few more games later and they hit the dance floor, for their final hurrah before it got too late, seeing as it was a work night for nearly all of them. Plus, Roxas also really wanted to get home, though he wasn’t about to admit it. He was getting mercilessly teased about needing to spend ‘quality time’ with his boyfriend. Roxas wasn’t going to grace their childish sing-along teasing with a confirmation.

Roxas focused on enjoying the dancing and then Sora joined in, with a bump and a big grin. Where before Roxas felt alienated and awkward, he was in his element now. The years apart from Sora evaporated. It was just like they were in their early teens again, dancing around Sora’s bedroom in the most ridiculous ways. They had always been rather acrobatic; handstands and backflips were just a few of the things they pulled off.

Both of them were by far the most entertaining things to watch on the dancefloor. A ring formed around them at some point. People clapped, cheered, and laughed.

Roxas was exhausted but happy when he left for the bar.

“Hey, can I buy you a drink?”

Roxas almost didn’t hear it, and he certainly didn’t expect it to be directed at himself, but he looked around and noticed a man behind him, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, and sporting a goatee.

“Ah, no thanks. I’m just here for water.”

“Okay, but if you change your mind I’m just over there.” The man pointed to a chair at the end of the bar and left, after blatantly checking Roxas out.

Roxas felt embarrassed and high all at once. He got his glass of water at the self-serve section of the bar and was nearly done filling it when Hayner’s familiar voice cut through the dance music and human background noise.

“Did that guy just check you out?”

“Yeah, he offered to buy me a drink too.” Roxas turned to face his friend, who was dressed in baggy khakis and a white, sleeveless shirt.

“Nice! But… you didn’t take him up on the offer… unless all you asked for was water. In which case, you’re totally doing it wrong,” Hayner laughed and slapped Roxas’ back.

“It all kind of happened so fast. I was on autopilot. But even if I hadn’t been it wouldn’t have been right to do that. I have a boyfriend.” Axel flooded his brain. He was waiting at home for him to come back so they could watch each other undress and jack off to each other. Pleasant heat began to build at that thought.

“Oh, c’mon. You weren’t gonna do anything. No harm in accepting a drink.” Hayner turned to the bartender who approached them and shook his head.

“Well, it’s too late now.” Roxas took a sip of his water.

“Yeah. But the next guy that hits on you, you gotta accept.”

“Only if it’s a drink.”

“Yeah, of course. So, you want an actual drink? I’m buying.”

“Nah.”

Hayner quirked his lip and said, “Fine then. Finish your water and let’s get back to the dance floor. You gotta teach me some of your moves.” He pulled Roxas back towards the dance floor.

Roxas laughed and only just managed to set his glass down on the bar before it was out of reach. “Didn’t you always call Sora and me really gay for how we danced?”

“That was the old me. The now-me realizes that you have massive game, so you gotta teach me.”

“Teach you? I can’t teach you right now. We’re about to get going.” Roxas scanned the room, trying to spot the rest of their friends.

“The girls have all gone to the washroom. Susie takes forever, so we got time. You can at least teach me one thing.”

Chuckling, Roxas agreed, “What you wanna learn first then?”

“Your best, sexiest move.”

“You really think my moves are sexy?” Roxas giggled and elbowed Hayner.

“No, shut up,” Hayner shoved Roxas’ shoulder. “But teach me, c’mon.”

“You that desperate to pick up?” Roxas teased, highly amused by Hayner at that moment, so he didn’t even mind how hard he was getting jostled by the people dancing around them.

“Yeah. Now show me.”

“Geez, okay. Um… Axel likes my body rolls,” he did one. “You wanna learn that?”

“Yeah, that one’s really good. Do it again so I can copy you.”

Roxas did, finding the whole scenario highly amusing. Hayner looked at him very closely, eyes wandering over him. It was a tiny bit ridiculous but no less comical. “What? Do I look funny? I got something on my butt?” Roxas did another body roll and ran his hands down his body, checking to make sure there was nothing on his body that shouldn’t be there.

“Huh? No.” Hayner shook his head, and the intensity of his gaze eased up. “Just trying to commit it to memory.”

“Here – angle your body – and have every part of you—” Roxas was doing a roll in slow motion and Hayner was following along, “follow one motion and direction—yeah. There you go. With more practice, you’ll get it.” He grinned at his friend.

They both did them. Hayner was jerky. Roxas touched and guided Hayner in spots.

“Hmm, I _think_ I’m getting it.”

Sora charged into Roxas with his shoulder.

“Ow!”

“C’mon, let’s go.” Sora pushed both men towards the exit, with hands on their backs. “And what were you guys doing?”

“Hayner wants to learn to dance.”

Sora sucked in a sharp breath. “Ohmigosh! You shoulda asked me.”

“No, you’re too hyperactive and I’d never learn anything from you.”

“That hurts. You know I taught Roxas everything he knows?”

They rejoined their friends and kept moving.

“Doesn’t matter. He looks way better dancing than you do.”

Sora gasped, others laughed.

“It’s true,” Gabby verified. “Rox looks sexy, you look like a big dork.”

“No way!”

“It’s just ‘cause you have too much fun, Sora. Don’t worry about it,” Roxas tried to soothe, even though he knew Sora wasn’t truly cut up about it. There were few things he ever cut up about. Didn’t stop Sora from fake-pouting though to fish for sympathy until they all got into their cars and went home.

Roxas went with Hayner, at his behest. Apparently, Hayner wanted to keep grilling Roxas about dancing.

Alfie, Gabby, and Olette were taken to their homes and then when it was Roxas’ turn to be dropped off they sat in the car, out the front of Roxas’ place and talked a bit.

“Can I come in and you show me some stuff right now?”

“Don’t you have work in the morning? It’s nearly ten.” Roxas looked at his phone, itching to get to Axel, since it was getting really late for him.

“I can sleep on the job. Not like anyone cares, and no one’s life depends on me being awake, unlike Olette.”

“I always thought you were gonna follow her into nursing.” Roxas still tried to get his head around what careers everyone had ended up in since a lot of them were doing completely different things compared to what they studied and had set out to do.

“Yeah, well, turns out some brains are needed after all.”

“Oh, what happened?”

“Just didn’t cut it. So, we gonna go in or what?” Hayner beamed.

“I’m sorry, Hay, I wanna speak to Axel before he goes to bed. He’s starting a new role tomorrow and I want to know how his orientation thing went.”

“Oh.” Hayner looked genuinely deflated.

“But come over this weekend. We’ll do lots of practicing then, okay?”

Hayner perked up a little. “Cool, yeah, okay. I’ll come over Saturday afternoon.”

“Kay. Thanks for the drop-off. Night Hay.”

“Night Rox.”

Roxas waved and texted Axel before he even managed to slam the car door shut behind himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do *not* apologise for Birdo.
> 
> I hope you all have a good New Years and that 2019 will be a good year for you all. 😊


	22. Into The Fog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas is struggling to find his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content below

Thursday evening, Roxas went to the art gallery for the exhibition which Naminé had helped curate. Roxas had promised to go with her, but when he got to the place with its large lawns and funky architecture, he almost regretted it. He felt underdressed in his gray corduroy trousers and green t-shirt with checkered design accents. There were men there in business attire and ladies in gowns. Worst of all, Roxas recognized no one. He wondered where all his friends were; he wandered the gallery’s bright white halls and rooms for a while. But it only grew this feeling of being out of his depth, so when he finally caught sight of his cousin – in a lovely floral dress – he made straight for her.

She was in the middle of conversing with some artsy types – easily recognizable because of their much more casual attire – so he waited for her to acknowledge him.

She eventually finished her conversation, turned to go somewhere else, and made eye contact with him. “Roxas! I’m so glad you came!” Her slight heeled shoes clicked hastily towards him.

“Hi, Nami.” They embraced. “No one else could make it?”

“I didn’t invite anyone else. I didn’t think it was their speed.”

Roxas blinked at her. “And you thought it was _mine?”_

She laughed. “Not really, but I knew you wouldn’t say no to me. And I really wanted to get you all to myself.” She tilted her head and gave the biggest infectious smile.

“All right. But since it’s just you and me, you have to take care of me. Everyone here seems interesting and scary, so don’t leave my sight, or I might end up talking about politics and I know _nothing_ about that. You wouldn’t want your artsy friends to know how dumb your cousin is, now do you?”

“No, I don’t. That’s why I didn’t invite Sora.” They both giggled and Naminé waved her hand about, trying to keep them both giggling quietly. “Come on, I’ll show you around.”

Arm-in-arm they went about the large white space populated by paintings, installations, and sculptures. Roxas didn’t understand art at the best of times, so contemporary art was completely lost on him. When Roxas asked Naminé to explain, all she told him was the exhibition title, The Chosen Life, saying Roxas should make up his own mind about how the pieces all fit together. There were also a few smaller rooms, which Naminé explained were individual curators’ rooms, whereas the main area had been a collaborative piece between everyone.

They talked about Roxas’ impressions of the art, about what Naminé would do after this was over, and of course Axel.

As they wandered into another room Naminé said, “I must say, it’s nice getting you all to myself.”

“Yeah, it’s nice to hang out together. I’ve been so busy catching up with everyone that I don’t actually feel like I’m getting any quality time with any of you,” he laughed.

“Mm, it must feel like that, especially when you spend so much time looking at your phone.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time talking to Axel.”

Roxas stared.

“I’m not saying anything about it. Just an observation.”

“I just miss him,” Roxas said in a small voice.

“It’s very sweet how much you care for each other. But it would be nice for you to spend a bit more time with your friends too.”

Roxas pulled away from his cousin. “A lecture? You’re giving me a lecture?” incredulity painted his face and words.

“Not as such. Please don’t think it is. I just—” her mouth drew into a thin, contemplative line, “I don’t think you realize how much you talk about him.”

“I – don’t. Do I?” Roxas wracked his brain. He didn’t… he hardly said anything at all.

Naminé gave an awkward half-smile and raised her eyebrows. The unspoken, drawn out and high pitched, ‘ _Well_ ,’ was received loud and clear.

Roxas’ lips drew into a thin line. “So what if I do. He makes me happy.”

“And that is very sweet, and I am super happy for you. But I like being _your_ friend, and knowing what _you’ve_ been doing, not Axel.”

The defensive wall went up. Roxas could feel it but couldn’t stop himself from saying, “I’m not that interesting.”

“We haven’t seen each other in over a year. I am sure there are lots of interesting things you have done and could talk about,” she encouraged.

“You don’t want to hear me talk about Axel,” he let fly in derisive sarcasm.

She smiled, but it was filled with pity. “You are more than the guys you date, Roxas.”

He did not like this conversation. “If you want to know something then just ask.”

“Do you still do any volunteer work? Are there any shelters in Pensacola?” She nodded her head slightly and began walking again, wandering over to the next painting that hung on the wall.

Roxas followed and muttered, “I… haven’t really looked.”

“Any reason why not?”

Roxas thought about it. He didn’t know why. Going to shelters and helping out had been one of the things Vanitas had let Roxas do on his own, but… Roxas had never even looked for any shelters when they had moved. His days had been filled with… Axel – thinking of Axel – trying to spend time with him. His throat constricted a little. He gave a tight-lipped answer of, “I was very busy when we moved there.” It felt as pathetic as it sounded to Roxas.

“I—” Naminé didn’t get further because salvation came in the shape of a small woman with thick-rimmed glasses, touching Naminé’s elbow. “Oh, Roxas, I have to go and say hello to one of the artists,” she quickly apologized. “I’m really sorry. I won’t be too long, promise. We can continue talking about this if you’d like.”

Roxas didn’t. He was getting tired of all the personal attacks. “It’s fine. I’ll be here, getting cultured,” he gave a confident grin and watched her hurry off to the main hall where he could see a large crowd gathering. The smile fell like a lead balloon once Naminé disappeared from view.

He grumbled and wandered around looking at the weird shit all over the place and at all the people pretending they knew what it all meant. Roxas hadn’t spent _that_ much time talking to Axel. And even if he had, what did it even matter? His internal grumble grew deeper. He continued wandering through sterile and bizarre spaces.

There were rooms filled with all kinds of crap. There literally was a room filled with manure. Roxas felt like he understood that installation at least. Then he wandered down a hall to get away from the stink and into a small room filled with mostly paintings and a few sculptures. He looked at everything and stood in front of a few paintings, just staring. He actually read the descriptions of these paintings.

There was a weird juxtaposition between the brutalism and violent paintings – with their somber color palettes, accented by splashes of aggressive scrapes of vibrancy, and the other euphoric, almost loving, a kaleidoscope of colorful paintings in the room. At least those were words Naminé would probably have used.

Roxas stayed in that room, absorbing and actually taking in what was before him.

Naminé rejoined Roxas after some time. He didn’t know how much time had passed since he was transfixed by a particularly exquisite yet beautifully grotesque portrait of a man.

“You like Richard Klahn?”

The name registered. Roxas had read it multiple times, as he was one of the artists featured in this room. “I don’t know if I would go as far as saying I _like_ it, but… it’s… something. I don’t understand it. The guy looks so sad, but the colors make me happy. It’s weird.”

“It is a bit. That’s why I like it so much.”

“Is this your room? It feels like your room.”

The smile on her face said it all. “How do you figure that?”

“I don’t know what’s going on in here, but it makes sense to me. Everything seems to fit. I like this guy’s stuff and those really ugly things over there,” he pointed.

“Ah, Madam Duraan.”

“Yeah, I think that’s her.”

“Hmm. That’s interesting. I think you should look them both up.”

“Why?”

“If art speaks to you, it might be a sign that it’s got something important to say.”

“Can’t you just tell me? You curated this room. What were you going for?”

Naminé tittered. “I suppose you have a point.” She scratched at her lower lip and looked around herself. “I suppose it is about love. Madam Duraan had none. All she knew in her life was hurt and trauma and tragedy. When she did find love, she paid heavily for it. And Klahn had too much love to give to everyone but himself, as you can see in the self-portrait here. This is the only one he made of himself, and he says it was the hardest thing he’s ever done and absolutely hates it.”

There was a sting behind Roxas’ eyes. He laughed to get rid of it. “Man, sounds awful. Why’re all artists so tortured?”

“I wouldn’t say _all_ artists are tortured. But the ability to tap into one’s inner demons definitely makes for some powerful art. There is something in art that transcends one’s own personal interpretation and can give so much to other people. And that’s why it’s wonderful.” She tilted her head, hands clasped behind her and viewed the portrait they stood before. “Anyway, I think you should look these artists up. But come on, the hors-d’oeuvres have arrived!”

“Free food?”

“Yes,” she took his hand and led the way.

“Now I know why you didn’t invite Sora.”

* * *

 

Roxas and Naminé got a ride to their respective residences with some of Naminé’s co-curators. The conversation was lost on Roxas. Too much art history and raving about exhibitions full of names Roxas didn’t know. So, he focused on his phone, wondering what Axel was up to.

His finger hovered over the send button while Roxas read over the message he had typed out for Axel.

“—xas.”

“Huh?” His phone was forgotten as Roxas looked up to find the speaker.

It was the tall, slender woman with curly black hair and freckled face, Bree, who’s name Roxas only remembered because he liked cheese.

“Did you enjoy the exhibition?” she asked.

“Yeah. But what was with the pile of crap?”

The car full of people laughed.

“That was all Fred’s work. He found some artist who works with waste products. Refuse and found objects,” Bree explained.

“His curatorial work is a bit heavy-handed at times,” said some dude with blond dreadlocks, sitting in the front passenger seat.

“Well, it’s the one work I definitely understood,” Roxas remarked.

The others chuckled.

“I think Axel would have gotten a kick out of it too,” he said more to himself than anyone else. He definitely needed to tell him. They would laugh so hard about it.

“Oh, who’s that?” Bree asked.

“My – boyfriend.” Suddenly he was self-conscious. Was he really _that_ obsessed with Axel? Naminé, who sat beside him, wasn’t looking at him, but Roxas imagined her judgment boring into him, nonetheless.

“Invite him along. The exhibition is open until mid-next month,” Chappu, their driver, and a tall, tanned, and rather handsome man, enthused.

“Yeah, maybe I will.” Roxas wasn’t going to. He wasn’t going to make Axel go anywhere to see a pile of poo, no matter how funny it was. He wanted to not talk about Axel though, to prove Naminé wrong, “I also really liked Klahn and that Duraan lady’s works.”

Dreadlocks hummed, “Nami’s room.”

“Yeah. But totally not biased,” Roxas tried to push.

“No worries; wasn’t gonna say you were. Nami has a soft, yet powerful way of seeing the complements in oppositional works.”

“Thanks, Clim,” Naminé chirped.

“What did you like about them?” Bree asked.

“I—” he still couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Thinking back on the colors and images caused a heaviness in his chest. “Just really – I dunno,” he shrugged. “It’s the only stuff that’s left an impression on me. Is that lame?”

“Nah. Art resonates with people for different reasons. It’s all cool,” Dreadlocks – apparently named Clim – said. “Like, I really like Arndo’s way of putting small details into his body of work. I don’t know why, but man, I could look at Macabre Consequences all day long and still not see all there’s to see in that painting.”

Clim kept chatting and Roxas lost interest. He stared back down at his phone and sent the message. It was really late for Axel, but Roxas hoped he was still awake. He was in luck because he received a text back after a few minutes, which put a big smile on his face and filled him with warmth. They were going to have another webcam session tonight if the emojis Axel had sent meant anything.

The car Roxas was in arrived at his parent’s house before Roxas knew it. He said his good nights, thanked Naminé’s friends for the lift and then hurried inside, saying hello to his parents and giving them a very quick rundown of what happened at the art gallery, and then rushed to his room.

Shoes were stripped off while he waited for his laptop to boot up and then the video chat he started was accepted almost instantaneously.

“Hi Ax,” he beamed, walking himself and his laptop over to his bed.

 _“Roxas,”_ Axel’s beautiful face filled the screen and a seductive smile danced on his lips.

A shiver ran down Roxas’ spine. “Damn you. Are you going to do that every time we talk now?” He sat himself down on his bed, cross-legged and hunching forward, staring at the screen of his laptop, taking in Axel’s half-unbuttoned shirt and the way he lounged against his pillows comfortably, with the fly of his jeans undone.

_“I’m gonna do it for as long as it works… Roxas.”_

That _smirk!_ The way Axel’s palm rubbed gently over his crotch! Arousal sat high in Roxas’ chest. His need felt so great that it threatened to constrict his throat. “Please stop. I miss you so much it hurts,” he said, feeling pathetic.

_“I’m right here. No need to miss me.”_

“But I do. I don’t think I’m cut out for a long distance relationship. I miss your body. The way you feel, and smell, and the way you touch me. I miss holding your hand and kissing you, and you holding me tight.” He didn’t know what it was, but today had done a real number on him in the missing-his-boyfriend department.

Axel sighed heavily. _“I miss all those things about you too. Why don’t you just come home to me?”_

“I already told you. Don’t ask me again,” he said, mild irritation taking the edge off the pain of loneliness.

_“Sorry.”_

“It’s okay. So, tell me about your day!”

Axel did. He told Roxas all about how different and yet similar his new position was compared to his previous job. And then Axel asked Roxas about his day.

_“I didn’t quite see you as the art gallery going type.”_

“Why not? Just because we didn’t go to any doesn’t mean I’m totally objected to them.”

_“Well, let me rephrase that. I don’t see you going to one unless it’s an exhibition on glam rock or something about cats through the ages.”_

Roxas laughed. “True. You’re right. But my cousin, Naminé, curated some of the exhibition so I had to go to support her.”

 _“Oh, I see. She held you hostage using the old ‘family duty’ scenario.”_ Axel wore a big grin and rested his head against his fisted hand.

“You make it sound way worse than it actually was. I like my cousins and would do almost anything for them.”

_“Is an art gallery pretty high up on the ‘almost anything’ list?”_

“Yeah. It’s number five. Right between ‘helping to dig up a corpse,’ and ‘helping you move.’”

Axel laughed. _“That’s a pretty extreme leap.”_

“Not really. They’re all on a carefully calculated scale of worsening awfulness. I had my share of art gallery openings to go to with Vanitas,” he shuddered.

_“Oh, so that’s what traumatized you.”_

“Pretty much.”

There was some silence. Had he made things awkward by mentioning his ex? Probably. Roxas hated that so much of his own life experiences were tangled up with Vanitas.

 _“How do you feel about him nowadays?”_ Axel asked carefully, twirling his hair around his finger.

Roxas bit at his lower lip as he contemplated that question. He hadn’t thought about Vanitas in days. Axel had been on his brain too much for that, so he had to really think about it. “Um… I still miss the good bits. I miss when we were happy together and… it kind of sucks that I’ve lost his friendship.” His face scrunched up in pained sadness. He held the tears in that suddenly threatened to overwhelm him.

 _“Shit. I’m sorry I asked. You okay, Rox?”_ Axel leaned forward, his angular features and tattoos filling the screen.

“Yeah,” he sniffled and ran his thumbs across his eyes, wiping away the dampness. “I guess I’m still feeling raw about it. Maybe don’t ask me again until like fifty years have gone past,” he tried to laugh off.

Axel was quiet. It unnerved Roxas. Did he say the wrong thing? He totally had said the wrong thing. Axel wore his thinking face. Panic rose inside himself. His mind raced around looking for options on how to fix it.

_“You think we’ll still be together in fifty years?”_

Roxas’ attention snapped back to his screen. Why was Axel asking that? Was he happy about it? Was he unhappy about it? Had Roxas overstepped a boundary? Looking at the man didn’t lead to any clues. “I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s stupid, it’s—”

 _“No. Hey, Rox, relax. You’re doing it again.”_ Axel’s hand was raised a little in a halting motion.

“What?”

 _“Apologizing,”_ Axel chuckled.

The good-nature of the sound and soft smile alleviated some of Roxas’ anxiety. “Sorry,” he mumbled, looking at his bedspread.

_“I like the idea of being with you for that long.”_

Roxas became aware of a knot in his stomach and a big ball of mucus in his throat. “You do?” he croaked, looking up at his laptop.

 _“Yeah.”_ Axel smiled.

Roxas didn’t understand, but he felt very uncomfortable with that idea all of a sudden. He wanted to get away from this conversation. “Um, Ax.”

_“Yeah, sugar lips?”_

“Can we have sex now?” It was really the only thing he could think of to distract himself from the panic.

A rumbling chuckle flowed out of Axel. _“I thought you’d never ask.”_

They each watched each other undress. Axel was king of the striptease. Roxas was definitely hard by the end of it, and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts were forgotten. He then tried his best to imitate what Axel had shown him but felt inferior in his moves as he stripped his clothes off. Axel gave plenty of encouragements and Roxas enjoyed watching Axel’s flaccid penis become engorged.

There was dirty talk and real close-ups of Axel sliding his fingers into himself, and Roxas stroking himself. They murmured each other’s names, muttered how much they missed each other and eventually soiled condoms were removed, and they both lay sprawled on their beds, looking at each other with happy smiles.

The warm glow of their orgasms still lingered. Roxas was feeling very warm and tingly all over, so he didn’t need a blanket to cover his nakedness at present.

 _“Mmm, I love doing this with you,”_ Axel breathed out, contentment in his voice.

Roxas just hummed, feeling too happy to form words at present.

They continued laying there, looking at each other through their screens. Axel’s hand raked through his hair. Roxas drew idle patterns into his mattress sheets. This was pretty close to bliss. It would have been perfection if they weren’t separated by thousands of miles.

 _“Rox,”_ Axel’s voice rumbled through the air. _“How – I mean maybe not use what we’re doing right now as an example – but thinking back when we were actually together together—”_

“Cut to the chase, what’re you after?” he said with a smile.

 _“Ah – I kind of want to know how I stack up, compared to Vanitas. With sex I mean.”_ Axel gave a nervous laugh and the smile on his face wavered a bit.

Roxas’ contentment snuffed out and a frown sat on his brow. “Why do you want to know that?”

Axel sucked his lips a little before answering, _“I want to make sure I’m way better than Vanitas, in every way. I want to make sure I’m looking after you – that you’re as happy as I am – because damn, Roxy, I’m ‘super’ happy and I’m dying to have you back in my arms.”_

“That’s really twisted, Axel… but also sweet,” he gave an exhausted chuckle.

_“That’s me in a nutshell.”_

Roxas saw the sweet smile Axel gave, laced with wickedness around the edges. Love and longing flared up, but then a cold wave dumped on him as his mind turned to what Axel had been asking. “Um…” he didn’t want to deflate Axel’s ego. “It was okay.”

_“Just okay? You can be honest with me. I doubt you’d have had sex out in public if it was just okay.”_

Roxas cursed himself for ever having told Axel that. “Well… we were young and in love and… super horny,” he tried to downplay. He didn’t want to think of Vanitas – didn’t want to think back on the time when things _were_ still okay between them.

 _“And?”_ Axel wasn’t letting it go.

With a sigh, Roxas pulled himself up, sitting cross-legged before his laptop and continued, “And it used to be really exciting and good. I don’t know why you need to know this.”

Axel slowly raised himself as well, one leg tucking under himself and the other propped up, so he could rest his chin on his knee. _“Like your cat, I’m very curious.”_

“How is Cheshy?” he asked, suddenly aware that he hadn’t even thought about her all day.

 _“She’s fine. Doing cat things. Don’t change the subject,”_ he said, face scrunching up with amusement.

Damn, Axel was cute. “You started it.”

_“I just mentioned your cat. Your mind’s the one that wandered. So, c’mon, tell me about this ‘used to be’ stuff.”_

Roxas huffed out some air. He was starting to feel a bit sick the more he got pushed into a corner. He wished he could just distract Axel’s questions away with some kisses. Long distance _really_ sucked. “It used to be really amazing for maybe…” he had to really cast his mind back into the fog. If he had been able to pick up on the minute details of how and why their relationship changed, Roxas liked to think he would have been out of there ages ago. Though a voice inside his head told him that he was kidding himself. “Four—five years? I don’t know what happened, but we changed. He got stuck in his way. I gave up fighting for things. Maybe it was around the time I deferred my studies. I don’t know. We started arguing about more things and I… I just kind of gave in a bit, then a lot, and then always. Maybe that’s when everything turned to shit – when I let myself become his doormat.” Tears sat right behind his eyes and made his face tingle. His stomach churned, and he felt tense all over.

Roxas truly hated thinking about this stuff. He shook his head a little, trying to remember what the question had even been to lead him down this rabbit hole of misery. “Um, so… things just gradually got worse and then the spark between us died and the sex got really stale, though we never stopped having it. And you know, it actually got a bit better the last few months,” he finished, feeling a little bit lighter at that thought.

But then he felt uncomfortable again as Axel asked, _“Oh? Why was that?”_

Roxas felt his face heat up with embarrassment. He had dug himself into a deep hole. He didn’t want to admit to his shame. It was bad enough that Vanitas knew about it. “I, ah, I don’t know.” He felt his jaw clench tight. His face felt like a furnace. He tried to turn away, but it was too late.

 _“Roxas Shaw, I can see you lying to me. Out with it,”_ Axel singsonged.

It was like he already knew, or suspected. Roxas wanted to die, but Axel wanted to know, and Roxas knew that he would let Axel have his way. It was just a matter of how long he could draw it out for. “It’s really embarrassing.”

 _“I’m your boyfriend. I live to hear your embarrassing stories, and then take them to my grave,”_ he said very seriously.

It was so damn sweet. Roxas loved Axel so much. “Can you – maybe tell me something embarrassing about yourself first? I think that’s only fair. I need something to take to the grave with me as well. And… and don’t be cute about it either, okay? I need something really big, because what I’m about to tell you is… _really_ painful for me to admit to, okay?”

 _“Okay. Just gimme a minute or so.”_ Axel’s brow furrowed as he thought. _“I – no that’s too dumb. I could tell you about my coming-out story but most of my friends know that so…”_ Axel scratched at his head and hummed. His face scrunched up and his brow furrowed deeper in thought.

Eventually, the fog of thought seemed to clear as Axel found something. _“Um… no one knows this. And—”_ he took a deep breath and his face drew tight. _“It’s really close to my heart. It’s probably the biggest secret I have, so…”_ a heavy sigh followed.

Roxas could already feel the weight of the secret. “I’ll keep it safe,” he said, voice catching in his throat.

Axel smiled weakly. _“Okay,”_ a shaky inhale of his breath was followed by, _“you remember how I told you about Xion?”_

Roxas searched his mind. “Oh, the girl who—” he swallowed, feeling Axel’s discomfort through the screen, “died.”

 _“Yeah. I um,”_ he paused and looked away.

Roxas wanted to hug Axel, tell him everything was all right. He hadn’t anticipated that it would be _this_ difficult – that the secret would be _this_ big, by the looks of things. Roxas could already feel his secret pale in comparison. “It’s okay, Ax. You don’t have to tell me. My secret’s not that big a deal.”

 _“No, I want to tell you. I want us to share everything with each other, so I have to step up to the plate.”_ He gave a weak smile and his eyes dropped down. _“I just have to start talking and then it’ll be okay. So,”_ Axel huffed. _“I feel responsible for her death. I feel like it’s my fault for not being there for her. Not being a good enough friend to her. I abandoned her, and if I had been there like I made sure I was for you, she would still be around to tease me about being way too worried about her.”_ Axel rested his head against the palm of his hand, lips pressed together in a thin line, and his eyes squeezed shut tight. “ _And no one knows how bad I feel about this; how responsible I feel over her death. I feel like I should be the one in jail for what happened to her.”_

Roxas could feel himself getting upset over seeing how pained Axel was right now. Roxas clenched his fists and pushed them into the mattress of his bed. Roxas felt like shit for having made Axel think about something so hurtful. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

Axel’s head raised, and beautiful green eyes looked directly at the webcam and at Roxas. _“Don’t be. I’m glad I can tell you. I’m glad you’re safe and that the same didn’t happen to you. I’m so glad I was there for you when you needed me – that I could get you out before—”_ Axel’s voice died.

Tears stung Roxas’ eyes. “Axel,” he said, sounding painfully loud to his own ears, “grab that pillow and hug the shit out of it, right now. And I’ll do the same with this one.” Roxas grabbed his pillow and did as he had ordered Axel to do.

They both sat before each other, hugging pillows.

“You can’t blame yourself,” Roxas said quietly after a moment. He thought back on how it had been for himself and Vanitas. “She made her own choice – like _I_ made my _own_ choice.” Roxas looked at Axel, who looked back at him with eyes full of sadness. “Everyone is different. Everyone has their own final straw. Everyone has their own reason for staying.”

_“What was your reason for staying for so long?”_

Roxas mulled the question over in his head whilst flicking at his fingernails and still hugging the pillow tightly. He had thought about his reasons for staying so many times in the past, so why was it so hard to tell them to Axel now? “I, um… I thought a lot about the past – how good things had been between us. I thought things could go back to being like that – hoped they would. And sometimes, after a big fight, things _did_ get better. Van would – he’d be really sweet. He looked after me when I had my fingers in a splint. He’d pamper me and say really nice things. It made everything better. It made me want to try harder to keep the peace between us. But inevitably, I always did something wrong to make him unhappy again. It was the happy times I hung in there for. It’s not like I didn’t have a family to go to if I really had wanted to leave – and… well, the thought of their ‘ _I told you so’s’_ maybe kept me from ever saying anything to them either. Not that it’s their fault I stayed so long.”

Axel nodded along to everything Roxas was saying. _“What was the deciding factor in finally ending it?”_ he asked, seeming highly interested, and not easing up on his pillow snuggles.

“It was a bunch of things, really.” Roxas pushed his own pillow against the side of his face, wishing it was Axel’s chest.

_“Let me rephrase that – how important was me being there for you?”_

Roxas’ insides clenched, and he sighed quietly. He had been apprehensive of Axel asking that specific question and had hoped to avoid it. “Um… you, ah… did help.”

_“Can you tell me how I helped?”_

He didn’t want to make Axel feel bad. He had hoped to make him feel better, but the truth was… “You… made me start seeing that how things were between me and Vanitas wasn’t normal. You… being with you was the best feeling in the world. It made me feel like maybe I did deserve better. Maybe I didn’t need to keep taking all that shit from Vanitas. I—” he cast eyes to his screen, looking at Axel who leaned forward with attentiveness, “really liked you telling me that it wasn’t my fault for my parents moving us to a different city. I think I needed to hear that. You always made a lot of sense to me in that way. But it was hard to hear. I’d… I’d rather blame myself than him, because…” Roxas’ voice waned as strength left him. A deep inhale of breath helped somewhat. “I loved him. And I think a part of me will always love him – the good I saw in him. But things got really bad, and I didn’t like it anymore, and I wanted you instead – even though we weren’t talking at that time. Even though – the penguins.” Roxas choked on a sob. Thinking back on that still really hurt.

_“Roxy—”_

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Um…” he sniffled. “Having met you was the best thing for me, but it was still my choice to make. I still had to get myself physically and mentally to that point. And even though I had your support, it was still my decision. And… you remember… I totally could have gone with you that first time you came to my building, but I didn’t. It took Vanitas disappointing me one final time that did it. So… please, _please_ don’t feel responsible for your friend not leaving. Don’t blame yourself for what happened to her.” Roxas looked at Axel, willing his words to soothe him.

 _“I love you,”_ Axel muffled into his pillow.

“I love you, too.” Roxas wanted to take Axel’s sadness and misery away. “I’ll tell you my secret now if you still want to hear.” He knew it would make Axel feel better. Roxas hoped that knowledge would somehow take the sting of embarrassment away from him.

A sweet smile played on Axel’s teary face and he nodded.

Roxas took a deep breath and clutched the pillow harder. He still wanted to die. “I—” His heart was pounding, his throat constricted. “I can’t – I can’t while you’re looking at me.” Roxas terminated the video chat and pulled at his hair. Why was this so hard? He had admitted to far worse things than this. This was nothing.

The message tone bleeped on his laptop.

**22:29**  
**Axl:** Everything okay? **Roxx:** Yeah. Just freaking out. **Axl:** It’s just me. There’s nothing to freak out about. I’m still gonna love u no matter what.

Roxas knew it was true. He knew Axel would love him even more after he found out, but it felt terrible for some reason. He exhaled sharply and just started typing, determined to get it over and done with.

He stared at the message, hand trembling over the Enter key. He forced his eyes shut and pushed the key. There was no turning back.

**22:33**  
**Roxx:** I used to think of you while Vanitas fucked me

Silence followed. It made everything worse. Roxas pried an eye open to see the animation icon indicating that Axel was typing. The wait was agony and made Roxas wish he hadn’t shut the video chat down.

At last there was a bleep.

**22:35**  
**Axl:** wow

Roxas stared at the one word answer. Why had it taken so long to type that?

**Roxx:** I’m sorry I used you like that **Axl:** I’m sorry too **Axl:** wish u’d have physically used me **Axl:** god Rox I think I’m getting another boner

Roxas laughed nervously at Axel’s message.

**22:36**  
**Axl:** what did u imagine I did to u?

There was definite relief over Axel being receptive and curious. Roxas still felt awkward but decidedly less dirty.

**Roxx:** Um just the stuff we’ve been doing and talking about doing to each other **22:37**  
**Roxx** Blowjob, me fucking you. Us cumming on each other

Okay, Roxas took that back. He felt very dirty and ashamed for having voiced that.

**Axl:** yeah def boner. wanna see?

Roxas huffed and sent his response.

**Roxx:** Yeah

The invite to video chat came through and Roxas hit accept to see Axel’s cock filling most of the screen and hand delicately fondling himself. _“I didn’t think I could get another erection so soon after I just came, but man, you’re making me learn shit about myself,”_ Axel laughed.

“You’re not weirded out?”

_“Does it look like I am?”_

Roxas’ eyes trailed over the pale skin of Axel’s thighs, the dark red hairs neatly groomed, and his eyes skimmed onto the hand leisurely pumping away. Pre-come was sliding out of Axel, making his shaft glisten in the lamplight of Axel’s room. Roxas shook his head, rubbing his lips together while he studied Axel’s hand motions, sweeping and teasing himself.

“You don’t have a condom on,” Roxas observed.

_“I’m gonna cum on myself.”_

Roxas’ breath hitched, his penis throbbed. “Really?”

Axel hummed and Roxas imagined the smirk on his face. Axel’s torso suddenly twisted, and he reached for something off screen, leaving his erection in full view for Roxas to drool over. It reached most of the way up to Axel’s navel and was pretty girthy. Roxas cast his mind back on having Axel inside himself. It had always felt so good. His eyes slipped closed to make the recollection more vivid. Roxas yearned to fuck Axel, but damn, if he didn’t love that cock inside himself as well.

_“What’re you thinking about, Roxas?”_

Roxas definitely felt himself getting hard now. Eyes cracked open to see Axel in a new position now. Roxas could see him completely. Gorgeous eyes looked at Roxas with lust. “You inside me. I want to suck on you. Run my tongue up your cock and lick,” he flicked his tongue across his top teeth and licked his bottom lip.

Axel’s hand was back on his erection, stroking with vigor. _“Keep talking to me like that,”_ he panted.

“I want to take you so deeply. Have your hands in my hair and stroking my face, while I keep sucking you down. Make you moan.” Having done this for the past three days had helped Roxas feel less self-conscious.

Axel moaned, eyes half-shut, head lolling to the side as he looked at Roxas with parted lips.

“You’re so damn sexy, Ax. I’m getting hard too.” Roxas did as Axel had done and reached for his lubricant, spreading it in his palm and then beginning to stroke himself at a slower pace than what Axel was doing.

_“Let me see you touch yourself. Let’s cum over each other, yeah?”_

Roxas hummed and closed his eyes to savor the weight and timbre of Axel’s voice. He hadn’t felt this horny since… well, it wasn’t worth thinking about unless he wanted to lose his erection. He scooched back a bit to give Axel the view he wanted. Roxas knew when he was at the right distance by the pleasant sound emitting from Axel.

_“Mm, God, I love seeing you like that. What’re we gonna do once we cum on each other?”_

“Lick each other clean.”

Axel gave a husky laugh, heavy with desire. _“You’re gonna taste so good. I’ll make a drink and name it after you, so everyone can know how fucking delicious you are.”_

Roxas’ chest swelled with love. Even in moments like these Axel was as sweet as pudding. “I only want _you_ to know how good I taste.”

 _“Oh, babe.”_ Axel moaned and bucked his hips, pumping more furiously. _“Fuck, I want you pounding me so bad,”_ frustration laced his words.

“I am. Use your fingers,” Roxas encouraged and watched Axel sit back a little more, exposing his anus. His free hand reached down. Fingers gathered some lubricant and pre-come from his shaft and Axel pushed inside himself. Roxas’ gut clenched at the sight – at imagining himself entering Axel and how hot and tight he would be.

Axel’s chest rose, and a pleasant hiss escaped his lips a moment later.

Roxas picked up the pace of his own strokes. “You’re so tight, Ax. I love being inside you – making you feel good – pounding you—”

Axel moaned, his head thrown back, exposing his long neck and hair cascading behind himself.

“I want to kiss you all over,” Roxas panted. Heat welled up inside his core. Tension and tightness built. It amazed him to have such a profound effect on Axel. Sexy, self-assured Axel with a voice that brought Roxas to his knees, being turned on by himself. _Just wow._

Axel groaned and muttered Roxas’ name, looking at him. _“I’m gonna cum all over myself for you, babe.”_ He moved towards his laptop a little and arched his back a bit, giving Roxas the close view he really got off on.

Roxas stilled his movement and watched Axel stroke himself, graceful fingers clenching over the thick, glistening shaft. His other hand worked long digits in and out of himself at an increasing speed. Axel’s palm began working his head – his movements became more erratic and then - Axel orgasmed with a grunt. Cum ejaculated in long spurts and covered skin and hand and hair. Roxas gave a shaky exhale and resumed his motion, forcing himself towards his climax at an accelerated speed while Axel continued shuddering, slowly pumping his spent cock, and muttering Roxas’ name. Roxas watched semen slide down Axel’s perfect, gorgeous body. A finger dipped into the mess and as Axel moved back a bit so Roxas could see him sucking on his finger, the tension inside Roxas’ gut snapped, and thick heat spurted over his hands and abdomen. He came all over himself and a string of ‘Fucks’ flooded out of his mouth.

He fell back against his mattress when the last of his come spilled out of his shaft. He panted, gazing unfocused at the ceiling. His own heavy breathing was all he could hear for a while until it eased a bit, and then he could hear Axel’s more controlled breathing on the other side of the call.

“This would be a lot better if you were here to clean me up,” Roxas said, tilting his head so he could see his screen and Axel.

A tired smile greeted him. “ _Yeah, agreed.”_ Axel gave a dry laugh. _“I can’t believe you made me blow my load twice in under an hour. You’re making me rediscover my youth, babe.”_

“Same,” Roxas chuckled.

_“I’m gonna have such hot dreams tonight. Don’t be surprised if I call you before work so you can help me jack off.”_

Roxas rolled his eyes and huffed with tired amusement. “You’re really weird.”

_“So are you. Which makes us perfect for each other.”_

Roxas hummed, engulfed in a pleasant haze.

They chatted idly for a while until their bodies recovered, and then said their goodnights. Roxas tried to get to sleep, but the mental rerun of Axel calling his name and saying they were perfect for one another kept him up.

He surfed the web for a while, looking up those artists, which caused his disquiet to grow. One had been in a terrible relationship, which Roxas could relate to all too well. She had apparently had an affair with a woman and got caught, which did not end well for anyone involved. The other – he was always with someone else. Literature seemed to point toward excessive extraversion. He was forever searching for happiness in other people. Roxas cursed Naminé’s words to him as he lay awake wondering what happened to the guy he once had been.

* * *

 

The sour mood Roxas had been left in before he had drifted off to sleep lingered well into the next morning. It wasn’t helped by Sora’s jubilant appearance. He dragged Roxas out of bed, claiming Roxas had promised to come out with him this morning, despite Roxas having no recollection of them ever having talked about it.

He went along anyway, looking for an out from his turbulent brooding. They drove for a while until they came alongside the bay and eventually Sora pulled into a shipyard, where plenty of sailboats, yachts, and dinghies were moored.

The sea breeze was crisp and carried a bite to it that morning despite it being summer. The smell of salt and sea was powerful. The sound of water lapping against ship hulls was gentle. Seabirds’ squawking and shrieking was an assault on the ears. In the distance, the buoy bells ringing drifted along the air. There weren’t all too many people around. Roxas followed Sora, not knowing what the point of all this was since Sora hadn’t spoken about anything meaningful during the car ride to their present location.

“Why’re we out here?”

“To check out some boats. Be sure to look tough so no one will try to rip me off.”

“If you need someone to look tough you got the wrong person. Should have called Hayner.”

“He’s working today, and that’s why I told you to wear those clothes. You look vaguely tough. Maybe I should have gotten you some fake tattoos.” The critical gaze wandered over Roxas, sizing him up in ripped jeans and a plaid button-down shirt with ripped off sleeves and frayed hemline.

Roxas rolled his eyes. “Don’t think that would help. I look more like a lumberjack who got mauled by a dog.”

“But you _survived_ the dog attack. Hence the tough. Are Axel’s tattoos real?”

“Huh? Yeah.”

“Cool. Maybe I should have gotten him to come over,” Sora said thoughtfully, tapping his chin.

“What’re we here for?” Roxas asked again.

“I told you. To look at prospective boats.”

“Yeah, but what do you need a boat for?” They kept trudging down the boardwalk of the marina. Sora seemed to be looking at all the boats with purpose like he actually knew what he was looking at. “Can you even sail?”

“Of course I can’t sail. I need a boat for that,” he laughed like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Roxas knew his cousin to be strange, but this was downright weird. “I feel like I’m missing something. Since when have you liked or even _known_ anything about boats?”

“Well, if I’m gonna go sailing I’ll need to know something.”

Roxas groaned, and his shoulders slumped as he walked. “Sora.”

“What?” His cousin’s trademark big grin appeared.

“Can you be straight with me? What’s going on?”

Sora wore an exasperated expression like Roxas was super dumb for not knowing. “What do you think I do for a living?”

“Ah, you’re on a construction site or something.” Roxas still wasn’t clued in with everyone’s careers.

“Oh, no, no. I’m a shipwright. I design and build ships. In my spare time, I’ve been designing my perfect sailboat, and I’m finally in a financial situation to be able to do something about it. But I need to find the right ship-frame to build my dream around.”

The pieces were finally falling into place. “Woah. Since when have you been interested in that kinda stuff? I thought you were always planning on opening up an ice cream parlor or something.”

“Yeah, that was my dream way back. Still kind of like that idea actually. I have one ship design with a freezer and a nice kitchen area where I could serve up some ice cream. If I made some changes…” Sora giggled to himself. “Great idea, Roxas!”

“When did you decide to get into ship making?” It was still so weird.

They stopped before a yacht of some kind. It was sort of old and dilapidated. Roxas felt amazed it still floated.

“I had this dream a long, _long_ time ago, but kind of forgot about it, and then really got into it when I was choosing what to do after school.”

Roxas was gobsmacked. “I’ve known you all my life and yet I never knew this about you.”

Sora shrugged and stated, “You never asked.”

“I never knew I needed to. Your life’s always been like an open book.”

“I do keep a few things private.” The morose tone Sora spoke with was unfamiliar and strange. “But what about you? Your life’s been a closed book for a really long time now. We used to tell each other everything before you left and met Mr. Grump-face.”

Roxas looked past the ship and out to the horizon where the sunlight sparkled and shimmered as the water moved with the undertow. “I’m making changes.”

“That’s the kind of response I’m talking about. Short and mysterious. You used to give me your life story all the time and we talked into the night.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Roxas remembered those times. “I think having to be a certain way all the time’s changed me. I’m trying to get back to who I was. Do the things I used to like doing. It’s kind of hard though. I just… don’t really remember much of how I was like.”

“Well, let me tell you that you were a lot of fun. We used to ride our bikes around—”

“Oh, yeah. You fell off and slid like ten yards,” Roxas laughed.

“There was blood everywhere. And then you tried to carry me home ‘cause my bike was all smashed up.”

Both were chuckling.

“Aunt Rose was so worried,” Roxas remembered with fondness.

“She didn’t let me go out for a week after that. Remember?”

“Yeah, that’s right. I had to come up with a fake emergency so you could come out swimming with us.” Roxas’ cheeks were straining with the relentless smile on his face. “That’s the sort of stuff I’ve forgotten about.”

“Good thing you’ve come back so I can remind you. You’ll be back to your old self in no time. We should go hiking before summer’s gone. Fall gets too cold too quick.”

“That’s right. I forget. The mountains around here keep all the cold air trapped in. Forrester is nothing but flats and so it bakes, and apparently, Pensacola is so far south that it also doesn’t get too cold during winter. When I was there in February it was kinda mild.”

“You’re gonna miss out on snow?”

“Yeah.”

“Aww, bummer. We built the best igloos. Come spend the winter with me. We’ll build a castle.”

“Can we hide in there during Christmas lunch?”

“Yeah, don’t see why not. But I want you to bring Axel with you, or no entry into my chateau.”

Roxas smiled. The joy he had felt simmered a bit, softening around the edges. Axel filled him with joy, but something niggled at him. “I’ll think about it.”

“No thinking. You just do. Axel’s good for you. Way better than Mr.—” Sora stopped at the look he got from Roxas. “Vanitas.”

Roxas sighed. He wouldn’t deny it. Axel was better. More relaxed and happy to let Roxas do his own thing. But for some reason, Roxas couldn’t let himself do his ‘own thing.’ He kept obsessing over Axel. Annoyance flared. “So, what’re you looking for in these ships?” He nodded at the yacht before them.

“Size, the fundamental structure. Not so much the quality. The more broken down it is, the cheaper it’ll be, and then I can spend my money on the materials to make it my own ship, instead of refurbishing what’s already there. Today’s more of a reconnaissance mission, to see what’s out here and what I can play with.”

“Anything I can help with? Other than looking tough?” Roxas flexed his arms and snarled.

Sora guffawed. “That! Yes, _that!_ Look like that. But otherwise, just having you here to talk to is nice. You seem less distracted right now.”

Everyone was pointing it out. Roxas felt terrible. “Sorry that I’ve been a bit preoccupied the last few days.” He really needed to change that.

“Don’t apologize. You’re allowed to be completely drunk on love. I’d be too, if I was with my soulmate,” Sora said, wistfully looking out across the sea with a bright smile which faded into melancholy.

“We’re not soulmates.” Roxas had ignored it the first time that word had been floated but right now he couldn’t. It jabbed and taunted him.

“Yes, you are.”

Roxas bristled. “How can you know?”

Sora clutched the necklace that Roxas had always known him to be wearing. Eyes were still trained on the horizon. “When you meet him you just know.”

Those words said in such a quiet and low tone sounded rather cryptic. “So he’s yours then,” Roxas said dryly.

“Huh?” Eyes wandered back to Roxas.

“Your soulmate,” he clarified. “Because I look at Axel and I don’t know. Maybe, since you’re so sure, he could be yours.” Roxas didn’t like the idea of Axel not being his, but Sora was irritating him.

“Oh, no,” Sora laughed and waved his hand in amusement. “He’s so not mine. Mine is… somewhere else.” Sora looked wistful for a second, but it passed like clouds across the sky. “He’s a perfect fit for _you_ though.”

 _Perfect._ There was that word again. Roxas didn’t know what it was, but he was in a foul mood. Not even the beautiful calm day and sea breeze made him feel better. “How do you know?” Roxas could feel himself getting testy. He wanted solid answers, not wishy-washy fantasy talk.

“He likes all the same stuff you do. He’s got your weird sense of humor—”

“How do you know that?” He turned towards Sora, perplexed.

“Oh, we talk online,” Sora let fly as casually as if he was discussing the weather.

“About what?” Roxas snapped, eyes wide.

Sora was still serene. “You, mostly. Also, what kinda hair care products are good, and how to make the perfect bowl of spaghetti. He insists it’s all in the meat, but I’m trying to convince him it’s the sauce seasoning.”

“Sora!”

“Hmm?’ Eyebrow cocked.

“Why’re you talking to him?” Roxas hadn’t expected for Axel to actually have accepted Sora’s friend request. Not that it was an issue, but it was surprising. Even more so that this was the first he had heard of it.

“I wanna know the guy who makes my cousin so happy.” That smile was completely sincere and pure.

Roxas frowned. “I don’t like you guys talking about me.” Sora knew too much. Roxas didn’t like not being in control of what information of his got shared.

“I swear it’s all good.”

“I don’t care. I’m gonna be paranoid and self-conscious now.” Like he wasn’t before. Now it was worse.

“Relax. You have nothing to worry about. And I’m pretty sure, as your soulmate, he knows way more about you than I do anyway.”

“Honestly, stop saying that,” he said softly giving Sora a sharp look.

Sora threw his hands behind his head and started walking again, eyeing ships as they went. “I don’t get why you seem so annoyed when I say that. You should be over the moon.”

“He’s not my soulmate. Cut it out,” Roxas started to get hot now, and not because of the sunshine.

“He is,” Sora dismissed.

“He’s not.”

Sora blew a raspberry. “When you first met him didn’t you feel drawn to him? Tell me your eyes didn’t lock and you just knew there was something special about him – there across the dancefloor.” Sora had a wistful, dreamy look on his face, and hands clutched together, next to his cheek, as he sighed.

Roxas tried to find words, but stumbled a bit until, “I take it that’s something else you’ve been talking about with Axel.”

“Of course. I’m a sucker for first meeting stories. I bet it was magical,” Sora hummed pleasantly. “Axel makes it sound magical,” he grinned.

“He does?” Roxas tried to ignore the swell of love inside himself.

“Mhmm. It’s so cute how he talks about you. And it’s really adorable how much _you’re_ into _him_. I’ve never seen you this happy.”

Roxas stopped and looked at the weathered wooden planks they were walking over. _Happy._ He was, but… his head raised again, “That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Huh? I do?”

Roxas’ hands were clenched into fists. He hated thinking about this. He hated defending himself regarding this, but it had to be said, “I was this happy with Vanitas once. I – the way I feel about Axel—” Roxas huffed. He was hating himself already for what he was about to say. “I’ve been there before with Vanitas. There’s nothing different about those two situations.” That was the bitter, awful, uncomfortable truth.

“No, come on. It’s totally different. Chance meetings, getting along like a house on fire, being magnetically drawn to each other. Feeling like you guys just get each other. That’s special. That’s soulmate level stuff.”

Roxas didn’t know what he wanted to do – scream or cry. He erupted in a high-pitched, shrill hysterical laugh. It was too ridiculous. He abruptly stopped, shaking his head. “No, it’s not fucking _special!_ All that stuff you said – _all_ of it I could have said about Vanitas. _All of it_ , Sora. I had more than that stuff with him. We were separated for years but somehow found our way back to each other. I found my childhood friend again and we instantly clicked and almost instantly fell in love. Isn’t that what your soulmates thing is all about?”

Sora looked bewildered and gave a small nod. “Ah – yeah—no, it’s not like that. You and the grump were all wrong for each other,” he brushed aside.

Roxas threw his hands up clutching at his hair and gave an aggravated grunt. “How can you – how can you just pick and choose whatever suits your personal preferred storyline?”

“I’m not—”

 _“You are!_ I’m telling you that what Van and I had felt more intense and real than anything I’ve ever felt before. Ever, Sora. The beginning was so good and awesome. Vanitas was all I thought about and wanted. We would talk all night and have sex everywhere we could get away with it. He was my entire world.” The tears were close. The tremendous pain of such a significant part of his life having been completely wiped out _hurt_. Roxas looked down at his bared open palms, looking at the emptiness of them. He used to hold Vanitas’ hands. They used to be so happy. And now there was nothing. Everything had been destroyed and all the years together had been a complete empty waste.

Something uncomfortable flushed through him. “And… and now I’m starting to feel that way about Axel – and…” He wrapped his arms around his body, trying to hold whatever it was in, but it got out through his words, “It scares me – a lot actually. It scares me the more I think about it.”

“Why?”

“Because… it didn’t turn out well for me the first time. _Fuck!”_ Roxas swallowed down the sob and wished he could drown out his mother’s words.

“But that’s just ‘cause you weren’t with your soulmate. This time it’s gonna be so different,” Sora encouraged. Normally, his enthusiasm was infectious and uplifting, but right now it pulled Roxas deeper into his misery and bred agitation.

“Oh my God!” He snapped his head up and grit his teeth. “How can you be such a broken record? How can you be so damn sure? You don’t have _anyone_ in your life!” He glared at Sora, desperate for an answer, wishing for solid reassurance and a guarantee he would never and could never get.

“I…” Sora clutched his necklace, “just do. Trust me.”

“I can’t. I’ve been putting my trust in others all my life. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep blindly following everyone that’s important to me,” he said to himself as much as to Sora.

“What’re you talking about?”

Mouth hung open a bit. Roxas looked at the wooden slats of the pier they had been walking along, but not really focusing on anything. “I don’t know.” He wasn’t sure what was happening, what he wanted, needed, or was after. All he was certain about was feeling excessively frustrated.

Their heads turned at a voice calling out to them, _“Are you Sora?”_ The voice belonged to a grizzly man whose skin looked like it had been exposed to the unforgiving sea for too many decades.

“Yes!”

Roxas followed Sora, their conversation put on hold, and Roxas hoped to ultimately have it be forgotten. He couldn’t bring himself to swagger and pull off the tough guy act as they ambled along looking at all the sea vessels in the shipyard. He was too busy brooding and trying to figure out what had happened and what these feelings were.

His mind escaped to the past, analyzing and reliving his first couple of years with Vanitas. He had been deliriously happy and not much else had mattered. Definitely, his own wants and needs hadn’t mattered because he had thought them so closely tied up with Vanitas that it had been pretty easy to neglect himself. A fleeting thought of Axel and their bar came to Roxas’ mind which upset him even more.

He shook the thought away, not wanting it to be true. He wasn’t pathetic like that. He wasn’t going to relive his past mistakes with Axel… surely not. Roxas desperately searched to pinpoint where things had turned bad. If he could find the root cause, he could stop it from ever happening again. He told himself that there must have been something. If he had known how things would turn out, he would never have gotten so completely wrapped up with Vanitas.

As he stood leaning against a splintering wooden post on the boardwalk, waiting for Sora to come out of touring one of the boats, his phone rang. Axel’s name flashed up, filling Roxas with ecstatic joy. As if on autopilot, he went to answer the call, but stopped himself. “What the fuck am I doing?” Everything he had just thought about, everything uncomfortable he had just felt, was forgotten. That was terrifying. Roxas forced himself to not answer – to decline the call and to stay focused on himself and what was wrong with him.

Love. _Love_ was what made him all wrong.

The phone rang again. Roxas felt uncomfortable. Axel wanted him. But he wasn’t at Axel’s beck and call either. He had left Pensacola to get some time to himself. He declined the call quicker this time. Guilt and worry overcame him. He was irritated at himself and his attitude. Why did Axel have to become his world? Why hadn’t he tried to get into some volunteer work? Did he even still enjoy it? Did anything bring him happiness aside from Axel?

The thought of Axel staring at his phone in confusion as to why Roxas wasn’t picking up slayed him. Roxas sent a message—

Roxas  
  
**Today** 10:13 I’m busy helping Sora. I’m sorry, completely forgot about it. Have a good day at work. I’ll talk to you in the evening, ok?  
  
Axel  
Aww, yeah ok. Maybe u can help me with my little problem then. Have a good day, babe (Sparkling Heart )  
  


Roxas could practically hear Axel’s sultry chuckle. It did a number on his groin and caused his feelings of desire to fly into an uproar. But he held firm and slid the phone into his back pocket.

He knew this feeling – this single-minded obsession with the man he loved. Roxas thought back on those paintings. Had Naminé known? Had it all been a plan? Not that it mattered. It wasn’t Naminé’s fault.

He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for how he behaved when he was with the men who held his heart. It wasn’t even like Vanitas and Axel were similar. But his own reaction was the same, and that was a problem. That was _the_ problem. He didn’t know who he could or _should_ turn to, to talk about this with. Did he need to talk about this?

In the past, he would have said no. But now in the present, he thought of Axel and what Axel would want him to do. Share. Axel always wanted him to share. Maybe he could talk to him about this stuff because he thought this was what it must feel like to go mad. To have so many conflicting feelings and thoughts that he was practically paralyzed to take any action.

Maybe Axel would be able to lead Roxas out of the fog.

A lot of frustration grew from that realization. Roxas had come here to get himself in order, but he wasn’t really doing anything besides spending all his time and energy thinking of Axel; if he was going to do that, then he might as well have stayed in Pensacola, to begin with.

He kicked at a seagull which had waddled dangerously close into his leg’s reach. It flew away, and landed a few yards down the pier, squawking and eyeballing him. Roxas knew it only wanted food, but at that moment, its judging eye grated on his nerves. He was mad at everything and nothing. The way the wind tousled his hair was irritating and he was getting too hot standing in the morning sun.

By the time Sora came back up the ramp, Roxas had developed a blistering attitude. At least he didn’t have to talk. Sora was doing enough of that for ten people, as he explained what kind of ships he had seen and the desirable attributes of each of them.

Roxas tried to listen and understand. It was better than listening to the negative voices in his own head. But his rumination won out in the end. He tried to remember who he had used to be. He had helped a lot with fairs, school plays, and volunteered his time doing whatever really because he had enjoyed helping out. He still enjoyed that. He knew it, even if he hadn’t felt it in a long while. The last few years he had managed to get out to volunteer his time had been fueled by a selfish desire to be out of the house. But he was sure he still liked giving up his time to help others just because it was the right thing to do.

By the time he was dropped off back home, Roxas decided on a thought that was worth exploring, so he shut himself in his room and spent the afternoon looking for things he might be interested in doing. He had already practically wasted a week and there weren’t very many left before he had to move on to other places. He really wanted to get himself in the right sort of mind-frame before he got back to Axel.

* * *

 

Hours passed. His day’s ruminations left him feeling exhausted and unwell. The evening had devolved into worrying that he had upset Axel by not taking the phone calls that morning. He wanted to apologize but kept berating himself for being so weak-willed, as there surely was nothing to apologize for. But eventually the nausea his worry caused won out and Roxas messaged Axel.

Axel responded to Roxas’ text by calling him up.

Roxas shook his hands, exhaled a long breath and picked up. Instantly, Axel’s voice oozed over him, like a soothing salve.

_“Hey, my delicious pineapple tiger.”_

Roxas laughed, anxiety shaking free with it. “Hi. Where do you come up with these names?”

 _“You’re my inspiration, baby,”_ he practically purred.

Roxas laughed again, with agony this time. “Man, you’re so bad. But, hi my – uh – awesome sugar penguin.”

A husky chuckle came through the line. _“I like that. How are you doing, gorgeous?”_

The way Axel’s voice reverberated through his ear was music to Roxas. He wanted to forget about everything that had happened over the course of the day but couldn’t. It sat heavy in his chest, making him nervous and fearful. He didn’t want to feel this way. He wanted Axel to make it all better, so he willed himself to be open and honest. It felt a lot easier over the phone, “I actually could be a lot better, and I’m hoping that you’ll help me with that.”

Axel purred. _“Get your webcam on for me, babe. I wanna see what state you’re in.”_

Desire threatened to overcome him. It would be so easy to ignore everything and go back to doing what they had been getting into the habit of doing. But— “I don’t mean it like that actually,” he said quietly.

 _“Oh._ ” Playful, seductive flirtation vanished into thin air. “ _Is everything all right?_ ”

“I’ve been stressing about you being mad at me. Are you?”

_”No. Why would I be?”_

Roxas got a little reprieve from his anxiety. “Because I didn’t pick up this morning. I know you wanted to – well, you needed my help.”

Axel gave a slow chuckle. _“You’re too sweet. I’m not mad. I get that you’ve got things to do. And your cousin seems like an intense kinda guy you’d have to devote your whole attention to.”_

“How would you – oh, that’s right. You guys talk to each other,” he half-muttered to himself.

_“Yeah. Why’re you sounding so surprised?”_

“I didn’t expect it, that’s all. I spoke to Sora about that today.”

_“Is it bothering you?”_

Roxas moved to his bed and sat down on the edge. “No.”

_“Really?”_

“Well, maybe a little. I don’t like the idea of you guys talking about me.”

_“Don’t you talk about me to your friends and family?”_

“Oh.” Roxas hadn’t thought of that. “Sorry. I’m being stupid.”

_“No, hon, you’re not. I don’t talk to him about anything personal. It’s more about my feelings about you, and how cute you are.”_

Roxas’ chest swelled with longing and heat prickled his cheeks. “He said you guys are arguing about how to make spaghetti.” Roxas smiled down at his knees.

 _“It’s the meat. I’ll make you some amazing spaghetti when you get back, so you can back me up,”_ Axel said with a lot of vigor.

“I don’t want to get in the middle of your feud,” Roxas giggled, imagining them having a full-on chat war about the dumbest things. He really didn’t have anything to be worried about regarding being the butt of jokes or something, he finally felt content in admitting.

He stared down at his dangling legs. The stone on his chest dislodged and he felt a lot better. Axel seemed to be a good remedy against the things that bothered him. But he wanted to fight against it too. He didn’t _just_ want to solely rely on Axel being there to lift him up. “Um—”

 _“Yeah? What’s on your mind?_ ”

“I want to talk to you about what I’ve been doing today. Kind of – get your idea on some things,” he lightly stammered.

_“Oh? Sounds interesting, fire away.”_

This felt a lot harder to do suddenly. What if he didn’t agree? Why wouldn’t he agree? Roxas didn’t know. He also didn’t know why Axel would agree. He nibbled on his lip. “Ah – I’ve been looking at various charities for any volunteer work I could do,” he said, voice shrinking with each syllable.

 _“Volunteer work? Why would you do that?”_ Axel didn’t sound mad. Maybe a little miffed, but definitely not angry or annoyed.

“Well…” a bit of strength returned, “you remember the animal shelter?”

_“Oh yeah. Of course. You helping little animals is the cutest thing ever.”_

Roxas blew out an amused huff. “I can’t really find any here that are easy to get to, but I found some places in Pensacola which I might apply for now, and maybe by the time I come back, there’ll be a place open for me.” His excitement level rose a little over that prospect.

Axel hummed attentively and said, _“That’s really great to hear.”_

“So, um, I’ll keep looking at things like soup kitchens at churches and food banks. They tend to have more vacancies and I really want to get stuck into something sooner, rather than wait around for ages.”

_“Any reason why you’re in such a rush?”_

“Well, there’s no rush, but I want to be busy. And I’ll hopefully be a lot busier soon so—” he cleared his throat a little, “I hope you don’t mind. I might not… be able to do what we’ve been doing every night. Not that I don’t want to, but – well, I don’t know what’s gonna happen with everything.”

 _“I can’t say I won’t miss it but… you did go home to have a timeout. I probably shouldn’t be tempting you so much with my amazing body, huh.”_ Axel chuckled and Roxas did too. _“We have all the time in the world for us when you come back home. As long as you’re doing this because you want to, I’ll support you one-hundred percent.”_

The dreaded fear of rejection slipped away, and Roxas relaxed his shoulders, smiling, “God, I love you. Thank you.”

Axel laughed. “ _Nothing to thank me for.”_

“No, there is. Thank you for understanding and letting me do my own thing. Thanks for not asking a bajillion questions.”

_“Aww, babe. I’m sorry.”_

“Sorry? For what?”

_“How you’ve been treated in the past. You’ll never have to worry about that sort of stuff now that you’re with me.”_

“Thanks, Ax.”

“ _You’re wrong. That’s not my name._ ”

“Huh?”

_“I believe you called me God. I like that better.”_

“There you go again, being full of yourself,” Roxas chuckled.

_“I’m not. I’m pretty sure I had you calling me that in the past. At least three times.“_

Roxas licked his lips as desire swirled. “You wanna try making it a fourth?”

_“Hell yeah.”_

* * *

 

The next day arrived. It being a Saturday meant that there wasn’t much point calling around at charity organizations. So instead, Roxas spent the morning with his mother. He showed her the latest photo Axel had sent of Cheshire, lounging about and wearing a little angel halo. It was made even funnier because Roxas had no idea where Axel had gotten the accessory from.

After lunch, Roxas had a nap and woke up to a weight on his waist and something rubbing against his scalp. Drowsy and confused he mumbled Axel’s name into the sheets.

“Nah, man. It’s your one and only Hayner.” The familiar chuckle sounded and Roxas’ shoulders were squeezed.

Roxas rolled over as Hayner dismounted and plopped down next to him on the mattress.

“Hey. What’re you doin’ here?” Roxas slurred with sleep, rubbing at his eyes.

“We had a dance lesson scheduled. Remember?”

The gears in his foggy head whirred. When had he agreed to that? “Not really, but okay.” He yawned and stretched out.

The afternoon was spent with Roxas teaching Hayner. It was a lot of fun, particularly because Hayner was pretty uncoordinated. It reminded Roxas of his adolescence, doing this with Sora. It was just as much fun, if not even more hilarious because Roxas was now in Sora’s position as the more experienced of the pair.

They practiced and practiced and knocked each other over a lot. One of those times resulted in them rolling on the floor trying to tickle each other to death and then Roxas ran away, laughing like a madman as Hayner chased him through the house and out into the backyard, where Roxas got tackled to the ground.

They were looking up at the darkening sky, brought on by nightfall, huffing with laughter and the exertion of their play.

“Thanks for spending the day with me,” Roxas giggled and panted.

“Nah, thanks for teaching me. I’ve missed being stupid with you.” Hayner roughly rubbed Roxas’ head.

Roxas giggled and slapped at Hayner until the hand was removed. “It was heaps of fun. The day went by too fast.”

“It did. Hey, how about you come out with me. We can go dancing. I wanna give what you’ve taught me a go.”

That did sound like a lot of fun to Roxas. But before he said anything he suddenly remembered— “Let me check with Axel,” Roxas reached for his phone in one of his pockets. He wasn’t sure if Axel would be happy if Roxas was out too late and wasn’t available when he finished work.

“You’ve got to check with your bf if you can go out or not? Dude, that doesn’t sound right. Is that what gay relationships are like?”

“No. It’s not that I need to. It’s just…” Roxas gulped, not knowing how to answer that. He hadn’t really told anyone the extent of what he had been through. Only Axel knew it all. Keeping it close to his chest annoyed him though at that moment. That action made it feel like it was a precious thing when it was nothing but a blight on his life. He started slowly, avoiding Hayner’s eyes, “I think I’ve fallen into bad habits being with Vanitas for so long. He… can you keep this a secret?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“No Hay,” Roxas gave Hayner a sharp glare. “I mean a _real_ secret. Not something to just keep quiet for a while and then let slip when you’re drunk and stuff, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. A real big BFF kind of a secret.” Hayner wore a grave and serious expression on his face and held out his fist to Roxas.

Roxas bumped Hayner’s fist with his own, their hands opened, and they shook before fist bumping again.

Roxas took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He needed other confidants in his life. He needed his friends back in his life to share stuff with. Roxas forced the words out, “He liked to know where I was at all times. He didn’t let me go anywhere by myself.”

“Shit. That really happened?” Hayner stared at Roxas. “We always kinda wondered and talked about it, but… We just thought Vanitas was a fucking asshole who brainwashed you. We didn’t actually think he ever… he didn’t, right? Hurt you, I mean. You never said anything, so—” Hayner leaned a little closer towards Roxas.

“Um… well, it’s not something I was very proud of. I was afraid you’d all…” Roxas wrapped his arms around himself and held tight, “laugh at me, or think me pathetic or something.”

“Dude, we’re your friends,” Hayner shoved hard against Roxas’ arm. “We want the best for you. If you were having a hard time you should have reached out to us.”

Roxas sighed. “I know. I know. I just… look, Axel’s not like that or anything so you don’t have to worry about me anymore.” Roxas looked over at his friend.

Hayner wore a scowl. “Then why do you need to ask him if you can come out with me?”

“Again, I think I just got used to asking for permission. Bad habits and all that stuff. It was pretty fucked up for a very long time,” Roxas laughed, rubbing his arm and feeling disgusted at himself. It really _was_ a bad habit and mindset. Axel had told him to not wait for him if he needed to get things done while they had been living together. It seemed stupid that Roxas had forgotten that… although… a part of him wasn’t sure if the same freedoms still applied whilst Roxas was so far away.

Vanitas had demanded that Roxas always check in with him while he had been in Pensacola and Vanitas had been in Forrester. Roxas was checking in with Axel on a daily basis—but this was completely different. Roxas shook his head. It was so dumb. Axel _wasn’t_ like Vanitas.

“Yeah. Geez. Sorry to hear that, Pineapple.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. I did it to myself,” Roxas laughed again. It didn’t help to dislodge the sickness in his gut though.

Hayner frowned and then sat up. “Well, the best way to break a habit is by smashing it. Tell Axel you’re going out. Don’t ask for permission. C’mon. I’ll text Sora and Pence. See if they’ll come out with us.”

“You just want to try to challenge Sora.”

“Yup,” he grinned.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself if you do,” Roxas teased, sitting up as well.

“Nonsense. I’ve learned everything there is to learn in just three hours. So, c’mon, you won’t want to miss this.” Hayner tugged at Roxas’ sleeve.

Roxas gave a great laugh; this time it _did_ dislodge some of the sickness inside. Hayner was right. “Yeah, okay.” With that, Roxas messaged Axel, saying he’d be out for the night, whilst Hayner rounded up the troops.

They went out to a club and danced until shirts clung with perspiration. Hayner was politely shamed by Sora but vowed to have a rematch.

Eventually, they all called it a night and Roxas had his head pressed against the cool glass of Hayner’s passenger side window as they pulled out of the parking lot, driving home.

“That was a gay club, wasn’t it? I’ve never been hit on by a guy before. Did you get hit on?” Hayner spoke full of breathy energy.

“Yeah, I did. You’re okay with it? Wasn’t too weird?” he looked back at his friend.

“It was completely flattering,” Hayner grinned from ear to ear. “I should have gone to gay clubs years ago.”

“You really need an ego boost?”

A heavy sigh filled the space between them. “Maybe.”

“What’s been happening with you? We’ve been talking but it feels like we never say anything.” Roxas tried to take stock of what he knew of his friend. Hayner had a pretty boring office job, as he had called it. Still lived at home while he was saving for bigger things, like a house and a trip around the world.

“Not much. Sophie, the last girl I was dating, wanted to get serious.”

“So, what happened? You didn’t like her enough to settle down with her? She wasn’t your type?”

Hayner’s lips pulled into a thin line and he frowned before it all washed away again, replaced by a slight smile. “I wish I could say she wasn’t, but she totally was. But something about being with her for the long haul – I kinda hung in there until she broke up with me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, don’t be. My fault. I think the idea of settling down kinda freaks me out.”

“Why? You’re twenty-five. Meeting girls isn’t going to get easier.”

“I dunno, man. Maybe I’ve got issues. How’d you manage to stay in such a long-term relationship? Or…” Hayner suddenly locked his gaze onto Roxas, “The guy didn’t like… keep you trapped or something, right?”

“No. I… could have left at any time. I just never had the guts to.”

“Were you scared?”

Roxas hummed, thinking. “No… I just… felt bad. I wanted to make it work with him.”

“Did you ever think about stuff like, ‘what if we end up hating each other?’, ‘what if there’s someone better out there?’, ‘can she really like me that much to want to see me every day?’”

Now it was Roxas’ turn to sigh heavily. They _had_ ended up hating each other. He couldn’t admit that to Hayner. “I dunno, Hay. Me and Van… we just happened. I never thought about that kinda stuff. Maybe if I _had,_ things wouldn’t have gotten so bad between us. So I’m probably not the best guy to go to for answers.”

“I always thought you were happy. Whenever I did get a hold of you, you never said much about how things were going. You could’ve talked to me about stuff, y’know.”

“Being open’s not been that easy for me the last few years. The worse things got, the harder it felt to talk about stuff with anyone. Not just you.” Roxas rubbed his hands against his pants. He wasn’t comfortable, but he wanted to be less of a closed book. Everyone already knew that Roxas had broken up with Vanitas. Most people never had a great opinion of their relationship. Was it so bad to bite the bullet and just admit to everyone that they had been right and Roxas had been completely dumb? Well, maybe he could slowly admit it to one person at a time.

“Well, we did all tell you—”

“Yeah, thanks.” Roxas turned back to the window. “That’s exactly what I wanna hear from you.”

“Sorry. I just mean we all care.”

“I’ve learned my lesson.”

“You sure? You sure about this Alex guy?”

An urge to vehemently defend himself, his relationship, and his choices, flooded him. But just as suddenly as that had happened, he was also filled with all the worry which had been plaguing him. All the self-doubt. “Axel. I’m about as sure as you and… what was her name? Stephanie?”

“Sophie.”

“Some days I’m so sure of myself and us. Other days, I do nothing but worry that it’s just gonna be the same as with Vanitas. That we’re gonna end up hating each other because I manage to fuck everything up somehow.”

“Hey now, where’s that self-hate coming from?”

Roxas shrugged his shoulders though he had a good inkling as to its origins.

“Things not so good between you and – that guy?”

“Axel. No, things are great. But all the worrying I never did with Vanitas – I think it’s catching up with me.” He looked out at the dark city streets beyond the window. “Um, you know how you told me to not ask Axel for permission…”

“Yeah?”

“Is there anything else I should or shouldn’t be doing?”

“You asking me for relationship advice?”

“Well… I’ve known you to always have a girl hanging off your arm, so you’ve got more experience than me at the dating game.”

“I suppose. But we’ve already figured out that I might have some commitment issues. You sure you wanna hear anything I have to say on this?”

“At least you were never stuck in an awful relationship for years. Maybe I should listen to you more, to stop myself from getting stuck somewhere I shouldn’t be.”

Hayner laughed. “Maybe we should just stay bachelors for life. You and me, Rox. We can go travel the world and not worry about if other people like us because we’ll have each other and that’ll be all that matters.”

Roxas turned to look at Hayner and huffed. “That might be nice… but – not for life. I like having someone to come home to. On the good days – even some of the bad days, I was always glad to see Vanitas again. There’s something nice about having a bond with someone. Knowing they will always care for you.” Roxas’ mind drifted to Axel. He missed him a great deal at that moment.

Hayner hummed and fell silent. The car zoomed along the road and the noise of tires on asphalt filled the space between them.

“So, do you have any?” Roxas asked.

“What?” Hayner threw him a glance.

“Relationship advice.”

“Remember anniversaries, even if they aren’t important to you.”

Roxas laughed at that.

“Hey. I’m giving out sage advice here.”

“Thanks, sage. I actually already messed that up. I missed Axel’s birthday when we first met. He asked me out, but I couldn’t make it because Vanitas took up all my time.”

“Was he mad?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah, so, same as chicks then.”

Roxas snorted. “Gay guys aren’t different. We’re all human and behave the same way. I’d be cut up if you forgot my birthday.”

“Second of March, right? Or is it the thirtieth of February?”

Roxas glared and Hayner broke into a laugh, which Roxas joined in with moments later.

“Well look, you ask me things when they pop up and I’ll ask you about gay things that mystify me. We can have like an exchange of information,” Hayner said.

“Cool, I’m down for that. But I don’t think I’ll ask you anything. I didn’t even know not to ask for permission to go out. If you hadn’t caught me on that I still wouldn’t know.”

“You’re allowed to have basic human freedoms when you’re in a relationship, Rox. You can go out and do the things you want and see the people you want to see. Just run this thought by yourself—‘does it sound like something a prisoner would have to ask permission for?’ If the answer is _yes_ then you shouldn’t have to ask it, ‘cause you’re not a prisoner.”

“Thanks, Hay. That is actually useful.”

“Ta-da!”

Roxas smiled and felt so much better being able to talk to someone about all this stuff with. “What about you? Need any myths about the gay lifestyle and agenda cleared up?”

“Is it really true that it feels good in the butt?”

Roxas cracked up laughing and helped clear up a bunch of Hayner’s misconceptions until he got dropped off at home. He quickly checked the time once he let himself into the house and messaged Axel. He received a reply by the time he reached his room and headed over to his laptop to get it booted up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a section of [this person's](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/ReferenceWorks/works/%20rel=) work skin tutorial for the chat stuff. I'm not very happy with it. If anyone knows of any chatroom-esque work skins please let me know. I'd like a Skype type of thing but can't find one.


	23. Hot and Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going well. Roxas buys Axel a gift and stays proactive in his endeavors to not repeat the mistakes of the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I'm not being as responsive of late with my replies to comments. I'm having a bit of a month-long _moment_ that I'm hoping to break free from any day now. Just know I always and forever appreciate your comments and feedback and I'll hopefully get back to engaging with you guys soon ❤️

Roxas returned from the camping trip he had been on with his dad late in the afternoon on Tuesday. The last two days had been filled with hiking, fishing, stargazing, and kayaking. It had been amazing but Roxas had missed his boyfriend every step of the way. The only exception had been when he had been sleeping like he had been in his dad’s car as they pulled into their driveway.

Roxas woke up and after a few moments realizing that they had arrived home, checked his phone. Three pictures of his cat were waiting for him.

message header - **Roxas**  
  
  
Roxas: **Today** 17:57 I’m back to civilization!  
  


He stared at his phone for a few moments, and since it remained silent, got up and woozily helped his father unpack all their gear. He trudged in and out of his house several times. Fishing rods were haphazardly dropped on the wooden floorboards of the basement when Roxas felt his pocket vibrate.

message header - **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 18:21 Axel  
Axel: Hallelujah! I’ve missed u. (Electric Light Bulb ≊ Light Bulb) me up when ur free to talk  
  
Roxas: Shouldn’t be too much longer. I missed you too. Talk soon.  
  


But ‘ _soon’_ turned into an hour as things had needed to be properly stowed away, clothes sorted into the dirty and clean piles and packed away, as well as dinner having to be consumed.

The passing remark Roxas received from his mother as he finally walked to his room – carrying a pile of his clean clothes – was that of, “A package arrived for you yesterday. I left it in your room.”

“Thanks, mom!”

Clothes were thrown on the ground of his bedroom and the package – which sat on his desk – was closely inspected. A flush of excitement ran through Roxas as he recollected what he had purchased. Axel’s message made a whole lot more sense now.

He got to work ripping open the packaging, glancing over the instruction manual, setting up the wifi, and positioning the touch lamp on his desk, next to his photograph of Cheshire, the picture of himself and Axel, and his little penguin – which he had taken out of his bedside stand a while ago now.

He touched the lamp, bringing a warm orange glow to the whiter lighting of his bedroom. A few moments passed before his phone buzzed in his pocket. Overjoyed, Roxas settled down on his bed while his insides fluttered with excited anticipation at hearing Axel’s voice again.

“Hi, Axel!”

Axel hummed pleasantly. _“I’ve been waiting a really long time for you to summon me.”_

Panic shot through Roxas. He sat up, stiff as a board. “Oh no! You did?”

Axel’s rumbling laugh softened and hardened Roxas all at once. _“A few hours. It took me forever to set up. I didn’t really know why you got me a lamp and even less why it needed the internet, but now I’m all illuminated.”_

Roxas’ lamp turned off and on by its own accord, making him smile. “You like it? I thought it might be nice to be able to let each other know we’re thinking about each other without having to text all the time.”

 _“You are so sweet. But does this also mean I’m getting annoying?”_ came the gentle question wrapped in a velveteen chuckle.

“What? No! No way. I think _I’m_ getting annoying though. I kinda do talk to you a lot. You probably have better things to do, and with the time difference, I don’t want to wake you up. So I thought maybe a lamp like this might be better.”

Axel chuckled some more. _“I can sleep through almost anything but thank you for being so thoughtful. I do like the lamp. I like that you’re thinking of me.”_

Roxas relaxed, eased back onto his bed and smiled into his pillow, hugging it lightly. His heart ached for Axel. “I miss you so damn much.”

_“I know. Me too.”_

A heavy silence fell for a moment.

_“I could come visit you… if you want.”_

Roxas’ eyes widened, and his stomach fluttered. But then guilt swept through him a second later. “No, it’s okay. I don’t want you to trouble yourself. I should be the one coming to you, not the other way around.”

_“Why do you think that?”_

That stumped Roxas for a moment. That’s just how things worked; Roxas needed to make the effort because Axel was too good for him. “Ah, because I’m the one putting you through so much trouble.”

_“What trouble, babe?”_

Roxas frowned deeply and glared at nothing in particular. “The court stuff. Looking after my cat. Not being there for you. Making you look after me and paying for me and all of that stuff from before. I know I’m a massive bother and a lot of trouble.”

_“You’re still thinking about that stuff? You’re still thinking about it in ‘that’ way? Rox, you keep ‘giving’ me so much. You’ll never be trouble or a bother. Being your boyfriend isn’t an effort I have to suffer or endure.”_

Roxas hugged his pillow tighter. His eyes began to sting, and his nose tickled. Why was Axel so nice to him? He got out a quiet, “Thank you.”

_“If you want me to, I can fly over. I can get one of my friends to look after Cheshire for two days. At least come in and make sure she has a fresh litter box, water, and food, and that she isn’t too bored.”_

It sounded so good. Roxas loved the idea of showing Axel off to everyone, and he surely Axel would love it too, but… a deep disquiet knotted his stomach. “Thank you for that offer, Axel. It would be amazing, but I can’t accept. I don’t want to… trouble you.” He frowned at his use of the word.

_“It wouldn’t be. I’d rather have you happy and me coming over—”_

“No, no. It’s fine, really. It’s not like I’m moping about the place,” he laughed through his ever-deepening discomfort, wanting to ease Axel’s worries. “And anyway, I’ll be quite busy for the next few weeks, and I don’t feel like it would be fair on you to come here and then have no one to entertain you.”

A poignant silence on the other end caused panic to rise in Roxas. But then Axel said, _“Oh—Okay, all right. If you think you’ll be okay, then sure.”_

Roxas didn’t like Axel’s tone of voice with its tense edge. He grit his jaw and breathed out heavily. He messed up big time somehow. He probably came across as a pain in the butt. Maybe the lamp had been a colossally bad idea. Axel now knew how desperately needy Roxas actually was.

He tried to imagine what it must be like to have someone constantly whine about how much they missed you. For someone like Roxas it would be endearing, but not for someone like Axel. Axel had put up with enough of Roxas’ shit. He surely didn’t need this other layer of annoyance.

Suddenly, Roxas hated himself. Man, he was so pathetic. “Oh yeah. I’ll be really fine. I’ll be super busy, as I told you, and time will fly, and we’ll be together again real soon,” he stuffed as much optimism and joy into his words as possible. To divert from his emotions, Roxas quickly followed up with, “Let me show you some photos I took on the camping trip!”

The previous discomfort was forgotten. They stayed up late that night and well into the early morning talking, catching up, and tending to each other’s needs and desires.

Roxas woke up, a firm pressure moving up and down his back.

“Axel?” he mumbled into his pillow.

“Sweetie, I think it’s time to get up. Your alarm’s been going off for almost twenty minutes. I finally had enough so I let myself in to turn it off and to check on you.”

Roxas scrambled to get up but got tangled in his sheets. A good thing since he realized – as he moved – that he was completely naked from having stripped for Axel. He instead sat up in his bed, sheets bunched around his waist as casually as possible. “Thanks, mom.”

Amusement lit her face. “Do you have anywhere to be today?”

“Yes.” He looked at his phone, which had the time display on while it charged. “Shit! I’m gonna be late!” He restrained himself from wanting to lurch forward and make to get ready.

His mom, still sitting on the edge of his bed, gave him a look that said, _‘Well?’_

“C-could you uh… maybe—” his mind raced, “pack me a sandwich for breakfast?”

His mother cocked an eyebrow. “All right. But next time get more sleep instead of being up all night getting naked for your boyfriend,” she sniggered, got up, and headed out.

Roxas groaned and hid his head behind his pillow in mortification.

* * *

 

Roxas ran late for the interview. Not a good look, but luckily his pathetic and rambling apology sounded feasible enough for them to buy the excuse and let him have a trial run in the kitchen.

He put his everything into not messing up, into being friendly, and he engaged with other volunteers, staff, and the people they served. He stuck around and helped clean up and prepare for the lunch period. He tried to be as meticulous as possible at every station that he got posted – from greeting and directing those who looked a bit lost – to scraping food scraps together and finding all the plates, cups, and cutlery that ended up in some pretty far-flung places.

Exhaustion resided in every part of Roxas’ body by the end of his day. Sure, it was only three in the afternoon, but for Roxas it had been incredibly draining, since he hadn’t done such strenuous work in… to be honest, probably ever. Helping at animal shelters had always been a different experience altogether. Yet despite the fatigue, the volunteering experience had also left him feeling satisfied and fulfilled. He had been able to put smiles on people’s faces and had lent an ear to others who had no one else to talk to. The icing on the cake had been that he had been asked to come back the next day, as they were happy to have him for the duration of his stay in Atlantica.

Roxas got home to see his lamp shining, which filled him to the brim with happiness. He quickly had a shower and thought about what he wanted to tell Axel when he called. He wasn’t going to tell him that he missed him. He swore to himself to be less needy, or at least keep the neediness to the times they masturbated in front of each other. He wanted to show himself _and_ Axel that he was well-adjusted, capable, and independent. He wasn’t reliant on Axel for his own personal self-worth. So, as he dried off and went towards his bedroom in naught but his towel around his waist, he decided that he would tell Axel only about the good things. He didn’t want Axel to worry about him, because he was fine. He could cope and the part of himself that felt inferior in every way to the gorgeous man he dated could be well hidden over long-distance. He had once read about ‘fake it ’til you make it’ and figured he could ‘make it’ before he got back to Pensacola if he really worked hard at it.

So Roxas got comfortable on his bed and video called Axel, filled with nervous confidence. He rattled off what he had been up to that day, enjoying Axel’s supportive words of how proud he was of him and also really digging Axel’s interjections for Roxas to unwrap the towel, to show more skin, to touch himself. In this way their conversation ended in the predictable fashion, leaving Roxas even more exhausted, but also very happy.

They were lying on their respective beds, talking about what would make for a cool plot twist in a space opera when a car horn sounded, forcing Roxas to sit bolt-upright.

“Shit, shit, shit! What’s the time?” His fingers danced across his laptop’s trackpad to find the clock display, which read 18:13. _“Shit!”_ He jumped off the bed and made for the pile of clothes in the corner of his room, finding his boxers and pulling them on.

 _“What’s happening? Where’d you go?”_ Axel’s tinny voice sprang from the laptop.

“Oh shit!” Roxas turned back and quickly spun his laptop around to face out into his room and then ran back, flinging clothes aside. “I completely forgot that it’s Wednesday today. I got a date with friends. They go and hang out once a week – kinda like you and your group,” Roxas said back, loudly, hoping Axel would catch his words.

_“Ah. You sure you wanna go? You were kind of fading on me a bit there.”_

Roxas wanted to stay in. Exhaustion weighed on his limbs and fuzzed his mind. Nothing sounded better than to be laying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling with Axel’s voice in his ears. But… he needed to forge a life outside of his Axel-bubble, because that’s what independent adults did, right?

“No, I’m wide awake now. I haven’t seen Olette and Alfie all week.” He found a pair of jeans and a tank top to throw under a flannel shirt and began slipping it all on. “Besides, it’s Sora. He’s gonna barge in here and drag me out if I’m not at his car in a few minutes.” Right on cue, the car horn sounded again and Roxas worked his legs through the legs of his jeans. “I’ll call you when I get back.” He threw a glance over his shoulder at Axel filling his laptop screen. Yearning fluttered inside himself. He so didn’t want to go. He wished he could pull Axel through the screen and take him along. He didn’t tell Axel any of it.

_“You sure? You had a really long day. I can message Sora to leave you alone. You know he will if we’re spending time together.”_

“Yeah, I’m sure.” But he wasn’t. The fog of tiredness encroached on him again. “Maybe I’ll text you if I can’t keep my eyes open,” he yawned and got up, straightening his clothes and running a hand through his hair.

_“All right, babe. You look really hot.”_

A sad smile threatened to paint Roxas’ face. He forced happiness in its place. “Thanks.”

_“Have fun. I miss you already.”_

Axel’s words harpooned into Roxas’ chest. He swallowed down his reflexive, needy, whiny response and instead let out a cool, “Thanks, Ax. I’ll talk to you later.” He blew a kiss and ended the call.

* * *

 

Roxas kept busy and the next week rolled around. A few texts were exchanged, the touch lamp lit and responded to occasionally. Roxas thought himself to be doing remarkably well in the ‘fake it ’til you make it’ department. A sense of autonomy grew within himself. Axel didn’t come up as much in his mind during the day and the aching sting when he had to say goodnight to Axel when they were webcamming lessened somewhat.

On Tuesday, Hayner asked Roxas to come hang out with him. He came around, picked Roxas up, and stated that their destination was a secret when Roxas wanted to know where they were heading. They sang along to the radio and indulged in comfortable silence during the twenty-minute trip.

Once they arrived at their destination, Roxas looked on with amazement as they stood before the roller skating rink. “I haven’t been to this place in over a decade! I can’t believe it’s still standing.” Roxas announced with utter excitement as he absorbed the sight of the unassuming facade of the white and green building. It still looked the same, but with a fresh paint job.

“Yeah, it’s still here. Some things never change.” Hayner wore a big grin and they went inside.

As they entered, Roxas remained full of wonder at the heavy dose of déjà vu and nostalgia that hit him. “Man, it even _smells_ the same.” The wave of stale air perfumed with the heavy scent of fries, oil, and old leather hit him almost instantaneously.

“Yeah. C’mon, let’s get our skates.” Hayner led the way and Roxas followed, falling in step. “Thanks for coming out with me on such short notice. I know you’ve been kind of tired.”

“Aren’t you?” Roxas asked, incredulous. Hayner had been along to every event that Roxas had attended after all.

“Nah – well, maybe a little, but it’s not like this is an everyday thing. It’s just been a bit crazy what with Naminé going back home and those birthdays all falling right next to each other. I don’t know where Sora finds the energy to organize stuff. If I had to do that, I’d be dead in bed right now. But since I don’t, it’s pretty easy for me to just show up for said parties and have some fun. Plus, I’m not hanging out until four in the morning.” Hayner side-eyed Roxas and gave him a playful jab in the ribs with his elbow. “I have enough sense to go home before I pass out.”

Roxas huffed with amusement and shoved Hayner back. “Where’d you go on Sunday?” Roxas cast his mind back to the weekend. “One moment you were there and the next you were gone. It wasn’t even ten yet.”

Hayner laughed. “I’m surprised you even noticed. You were all engrossed in talking to some guy.”

“He kept offering to buy me drinks and I vaguely remember you telling me to accept them. Besides, it would have been rude to say no. I did tell him straight off the bat that I have a boyfriend, but he insisted, so,” Roxas shrugged. “Would have been nice for you to say goodnight though. You could have maybe even gotten me out of that situation.”

“How? Should I have confiscated all your drinks? I don’t really know how to be a good wingman at… gay clubs… or for guys getting hit on by other guys.”

“I don’t have much experience either, so your guess is as good as mine. But I imagine the old ‘hey, can I talk to you about something in private’ bit might work. Oh! I also once saw some guy getting rescued by his _boyfriend_ coming around,” Roxas made air quotes with his fingers.

“Why’re you saying it like that?”

“Because I went to the washroom and overheard the same guys talking. They weren’t really dating. Guy B just came to guy A’s rescue and then,” Roxas laughed.

“Then what?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

Hayner stopped Roxas by placing his hand on his shoulder. “Well, now I’m too curious and you’re gonna have to share.”

“They did what you’d expect two random gay guys to be doing in a private area in a gay club, that’s all.”

The lightbulb went off in Hayner’s head after a moment. “Oh, dude! Gross! Why tell me that?”

Roxas laughed. “You wanted to know. Guess guy A was really grateful,” he still laughed heartily about it.

“Oh geez. How’d we even get onto this topic?”

“Ah, I think you wanted to know how to rescue me in the future or something?”

Hayner rolled his eyes and they resumed their walk to the back of the hall to get to the counter to rent skates, all the while weaving through the quite crowded space.

“I do notice when you’re gone,” Roxas remarked, changing the subject. He felt a bit offended that Hayner would think otherwise.

“Okay, next time I’ll tell you if I’m leaving.”

“Thanks. And maybe next time, check in with me to see if I don’t want to go home too. If Sora has any more back-to-back parties planned, I’m going to have to hibernate before winter ever gets here. I don’t think I can keep up with him.”

“Sora’s party planning aside, why’re you so busy? I took time off work so we could hang out more, but it looks like the only free time you have is in the evenings right now.”

They reached the counter but were now stuck waiting in line.

“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that, Hay. I’ve been trying to get my life sorted out a bit.”

“By being crazy busy?”

“Yeah, I guess. If I do nothing, I’ll never figure myself out, so I gotta try different things. Soup kitchen duties are only until mid-afternoon anyway. It’s not a big deal. It’s more the stuff after – going home, shower, spending time with mom and dad – that’s taking up a lot of time. All that and then throwing you and Sora in the mix… kinda hard to find any time for myself or Axel.”

“He’s a big boy. I’m sure he can look after himself.”

“Yeah, but—” Roxas’ mouth drew into a thin line.

Hayner hummed at Roxas with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m his boyfriend. I need to be there for him. And I’ve been quite busy, so… I feel like I need to make it up to him when we do get some time together. And it’s just… hard and annoying with the time difference.”

Hayner pursed his lips. “You wanted me to let you know when you were doing something dumb, right?”

“I don’t think I worded it like that but yeah, I guess.”

“Well, you’re being dumb. It’s okay to have some distance in a relationship. You can go and do your own thing without guilting yourself into spending more time with your boyfriend than you might actually want to be spending.”

“Oh no. I love spending time with him. Um, it’s just I guess fitting it in around everything else and still having time for myself to sleep and stuff is… well, that’s the challenge,” he grinned in an attempt to hide how exhausted it made him. The last week had been intense. He had so many things to juggle, but he thought he managed it well enough.

“If he’s as great a guy as you talk him up to be, he shouldn’t mind you taking some time for yourself once in a while. You shouldn’t feel guilty for looking after yourself.”

“Yeah. I know.” Roxas sighed. “It’s not him, it’s me and my stupid head.”

“Your head’s not that stupid,” Hayner ruffled Roxas’ hair.

It made Roxas smile and even laugh a little with how it tickled, but a yearning for Axel’s physical touch roused painfully in his chest. He pulled Hayner’s hand out of his hair before the feeling grew too dense. “Thanks, Hay.”

“No worries. I’m always here for you,” came the soft words attached to an even softer smile.

“Next!” The shout made both men’s eyes turn to the front. At last they had reached the counter, so they rented their skates and spent the next two hours getting the hang of skating, falling over, racing each other, and participating in activities like coin toss predictions and playing limbo. Eventually, they took a break due to sore feet and general tiredness. This kind of exertion wasn’t something Roxas was used to, so he quite enjoyed sitting down on a picnic bench in the courtyard of the complex. The mirth and shrieks of other patrons at the rink diffused out here in the open air. Roxas could hear himself think, not that he wanted to do too much of that either right now.

Hayner had left, fetching some drinks. The sudden tap on his shoulder made Roxas turn around. “Yeah, Hay—Oh. Hi.” He looked up at a young woman, probably in her late teens, wringing her hands and having her face brighten with embarrassment.

“Hi,” she replied in a thin creak. She cleared her throat, took a bit of a breath in and wrung her hands harder as she spoke, “My friends and I,” she quickly pointed behind herself. Roxas followed the stare to see a table of girls suddenly begin to giggle as he waved at them, “were watching you skate. And… well… you skate really well, and we were watching you for a while so.” She wet her lips, nervousness building.

Roxas just smiled up at her. He thought he knew where this was going. “Thank you for saying that. Do you want to sit down?”

Her eyes went wide, and mouth narrowed into an ‘O’ shape. She nodded eagerly and sat down next to Roxas, throwing a look back at her group of friends.

“Do you… do you come here often? I mean, I do, all the time, and this is the first time I’ve seen you here so. But you skate so good you must be a pro or something, right?”

“Oh no. I used to come here to skate when I was younger. I’ve just picked it back up tonight.” Roxas kept smiling at her.

“Younger? How old are you?”

“Twenty-five.”

Her brown eyes widened, and her embarrassment increased, if the bright-red stained cheeks meant anything. “Oh wow. You don’t look it.”

“Thanks,” he chuckled.

“I mean… you don’t look old. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m sorry. I… actually like older men. I’m sixteen. Would… that be a problem?”

Roxas laughed softly over her eager demeanor. “I’m flattered that you’d want to date an old fart like me. You seem really nice but—”

“Oh no.” A stricken look came over her face as she realized what was about to happen.

“It’s nothing against you. I’m sure if you asked any other guy out, he’d say yes, but I’m actually gay, so it just wouldn’t work out between us.”

His words sunk in, nervous tension eased and released with a laugh. “You’re gay? _Really?”_

“Yeah, completely. I am really flattered though,” and he was.

“Are you here with your boyfriend?” She looked around and they both spotted Hayner paying for something at the cafeteria area and beginning to walk back.

“No. That’s my best friend. He’s pretty straight, but also my age. So I wouldn’t recommend asking him out.”

“Oh,” she sounded disappointed, but then laughed lightly. “All right. Well… I’m sorry about this.”

“It’s all right.”

“My name’s Teagen, by the way,” she said as she got up and held out her hand.

“Roxas.” He took the hand and kissed the back of it, making her blush even more as she giggled. “You’re really cute, Teagen. I’m sure you’ll find some nice guy.” He smiled up at her, released her hand and gave her a wave as she walked back to her friends, still giggling.

“Goddammit, Roxas! Was that girl _hitting_ on you?” Hayner said when he came into earshot of Roxas.

“She asked me out, yeah,” he beamed.

“Daaaaamn! She’s really hot. Why’d you always have so much luck with the girls?” He flopped down next to Roxas, putting down two soda cans.

“Huh?” He took one of the drinks and cracked it open, taking a long sip to quench his parched throat.

“Don’t you remember how you’d always get asked out? Always, every year when new kids started who didn’t know about your gayness. Man, I wish I had your looks.”

Roxas laughed. “That’s so dumb. It was a curse, Hay. A _curse_. The only thing that happened was that news of my gayness spread around each year like wildfire. It didn’t even come with the perks of me ever finding other gay guys at school.”

“Sora was there, and gay.”

“He’s also my cousin so that’s just weird.”

“I just mean that Sora never seemed to have trouble finding or picking up guys.”

“He’s got the personality for getting close to people. I find it hard asking random guys out.”

“Dude, you don’t even have to try. Girls and guys come to you and ask you out. At those gay clubs and even here, in a clearly non-gay place. What’s with that?”

“I don’t know. That’s never happened before in my life. Like… yeah, I had like one guy offer to buy me a drink but otherwise… well, even before I left Atlantica, I was never hit on. Well, definitely not by guys anyway.” Roxas swirled his drink inside the can thoughtfully. Roxas felt weird over getting a lot of attention these last few weeks where the last seven years had been a giant dry spell… though… those years were filled with Vanitas and his overbearing ways, which was probably the reason for the lack of any attention. Roxas doubted he’d ever have met Axel or exchanged more than a few words with him if Vanitas had gone with him to Organization 13 that first time.

“That was definitely a good thing about you getting asked out at school by girls. I was your very single and straight friend who was happy to pick up the pieces of the ladies’ hearts you broke.” Hayner grinned with pride. “Don’t suppose you got me that chick’s number?” Hayner cast his gaze toward where Teagen sat with her friends.

Roxas snorted. “For one, whaddya mean _was_? You still _are_ those things. And secondly, she’s way too young for you, and I told her as much. It was fine when we were all younger. But now you’re just gonna be a creepy old man.” He poked his tongue out.

“Who’re you calling old?” Hayner grabbed Roxas in a headlock and began digging his fingers into Roxas’ side, making him giggle, and then guffaw. Roxas managed to free himself by ducking low and writhing against Hayner until the grip around him loosened. He then straightened his clothes out, still laughing a little.

Hayner also chuckled and resumed drinking from his can, saying in between sips, “Well, if I’m old, then so are you. But it’s not a bad thing. You’re less baby faced, and you kinda grew into your body and look really… well, half decent now, y’know.” Hayner cleared his throat.

Roxas laughed. “Thanks, man. I spent a lot of time working out. It’s like one of the only things I could really do to pass the time some days.” His smile faltered, and he frowned at how sad and depressing that actually sounded.

“Were you like a trapped princess? I’m imagining you like a trapped princess.”

“Princess Peach,” Roxas muttered and then started laughing while a whole lot of yearning for his boyfriend filled his soul.

“Huh?”

“Oh, nothing. I guess I _am_ really pathetic, huh. Having waited so long for my Prince Charming to show up. Yuck.” He pulled a face and downed the rest of his drink.

“You mean Alex?”

“Axel.”

“What makes him a prince?”

“I don’t know. I’m just running with the shit you’re talking about. But maybe it fits. He came into my life at the right moment. Helped to push me when I needed it the most. I was so miserable. I don’t even know how Van and I stuck together for so long, now that I’m thinking back on it. It makes no damn sense. I’m pretty sure Vanitas hates me. I feel like he liked to keep me around to torture me by forcing me to live his lifestyle.”

“Wow. Sounds shit.”

“It was.” Roxas sighed. “Let’s change the subject.”

“Oh sure. Hey, I don’t see you checking your phone so much anymore. You and your Prince Charming all right?”

“Yeah. Of course we are.” Roxas grew acutely aware of his phone in his back pocket. An itch to talk with Axel rose but he tried to keep a respectful distance _and_ spend time with his own friends. “I’m just… well, you told me earlier not to feel guilty for taking time for myself. I’m trying to do that. Trying to put some healthy boundaries in place, y’know. Is that a thing normal people do?”

“Oh, totally. Though depends what you mean by normal and what kinda boundaries you have in mind.”

“Like… I’m trying to not answer every text I get from him five nanoseconds after receiving one. I’m trying to keep busy and do other things instead of hanging out at home, waiting for him to be free to talk to me. That’s why I’m doing the soup kitchen. And even though I’m kinda busy during the day, I’m also really glad you got some time off to hang out with me.”

“No sweat. I like hanging with my bestie,” Hayner grinned and gently bumped his fist against Roxas’ shoulder.

“I like hanging with you too.” Roxas smiled back but his gaze drifted. He had really been enjoying his time out with Hayner. He liked being able to talk to someone about all the jumbled things in his head. He decided to venture a little deeper, “Man, nothing I do feels like enough. I put all these things in place to give myself opportunities to experience other things in life but then I do dumb shit like… well, I bought one of these long-distance touch lamp things—”

“What are those?”

“Just touch lamps but they are paired up. So, if you touch yours, its pair lights up, no matter where in the world it is.”

“Woah. Stuff like that exists? Kinda cool.”

Roxas nodded.

“So let me guess, Prince Charming has the other half?”

“Yeah, I got it so I could show Axel I’m thinking about him. But I think it was a mistake. I sit at home at night staring at it when I can’t sleep, wanting for it to turn on so I can call him. Sometimes I’ll turn it on too, so he knows I’ve been thinking about him during the night, or day, or whenever really. But I’m trying to not do it as much. I don’t want him to know what a pathetic loser I am, thinking about him all day, every day. That kinda stuff is off-putting, isn’t it? I imagine it would be.” He looked to Hayner, hopeful for some insight.

Hayner shrugged. “It can be, I guess.”

Roxas frowned at the table and picked at the wooden grain with his finger. “Van always wanted me to check in with him.” He frowned deeper, hardly believing that he was about to air some of his ugliest worries. “Sometimes… when I get a message from Axel, I get the same feeling I used to get when Van messaged me.” He winced. Just thinking about that feeling made it well up inside himself: heavy, sick, and completely suffocating. A tremble of nervous energy shook his legs. “It’s not nice. I get all anxious and panicked. I try to think of the most flattering thing to say back but also get myself stressed out with every second that ticks past and I haven’t replied yet. I imagine Axel looking at his phone and getting angry or annoyed or upset or something with each passing second. It’s so fucking dumb. I know it is, but I can’t stop it.” Roxas sighed out a deep huff of air. “It’s another reason I guess why I’m trying to not message back right away. I’m trying to retrain my body. I know Axel won’t be mad or upset with me if I don’t reply, but my body still has this stupid response.” Roxas groaned and rubbed his hands through his hair.

“Yeah, wow. That’s definitely not normal. I’ve dated my fair share of clingy chicks who also kinda wanted me to reply right away and if I didn’t then ‘ohmygod the world is ending!’ kind of deal. But I never got anxious over not replying.” Hayner sat closer to Roxas now. A worried frown sat on his face.

Roxas hated seeing that look on Hayner’s face. He hated worrying people. He absolutely loathed what he had let happen to himself. Roxas clicked his tongue. “He trained me pretty well. Anyway, that’s why Axel is so much more amazing and I’m super glad I met him.” With a big inhale of air, he put a smile on his face and looked at Hayner. “Thanks for listening.”

“No, I’m here for you. Thanks for talking about it.” Hayner put his hand on Roxas’ shoulder and smiled at him gently. They stayed like that for a few moments before Hayner’s touch left Roxas. “So,” Hayner cleared his throat. “What do you like about him? I mean, him being your Prince Charming aside – is it his body? His personality? What do guys even like about each other?”

A welcomed laugh burst out of Roxas, brought on by Hayner’s cluelessness. Thinking back on the past had been filling Roxas with a deepening dread, so it was nice to have an interjection of amusement. “We aren’t foreign creatures. The things you like about girls and the things I like about guys are the same.”

“I don’t know what guys you’re looking at, but nearly all men I’ve met don’t have tits.”

“Pecs and tits are still the same kinda thing. Guys have butts too. So, we get attracted by physical appearance and stuff like personality.”

“What do you like about Axel though? He just seems like a beanpole to me from the photos I’ve seen.”

“He’s,” Roxas’ mind’s eye filled with Axel. He imagined him the way he had seen him the last time they had webcammed. Kneeling before Roxas, erection out and proud, red hair framing sharp features, green eyes half-lidded and tattoos accentuating Axel’s perfection. Long fingers trailing down his glistening body as he sang a song for Roxas, which had made him laugh at that time and left him tittering right now. “Without going into any TMI territory – he’s just perfect. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel… _safe_ … and loved.” Roxas breathed out softly, a mix of joy and pain all mingling together. “Far out Hay, it’s a shame you can’t appreciate his body in full. He looks skinny, but he’s well built.” Roxas thought he would have to muster up the energy to call Axel when he got home so he could get some help with masturbating.

“Okay, you’re thinking about things I don’t want to imagine you doing with other guys, so how about we talk about something else. Or better yet, let’s go back in and skate some more.”

Roxas chuckled. “Yeah, okay. But it’s kinda getting late, so not too much longer, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know you just wanna get back to your lover boy, even though you said you’re trying to have some boundaries. I can tell when someone’s obsessed when I see it,” Hayner sniggered.

Roxas hummed. “At least I’m trying to sort myself out.”

“Yeah. True. Good on you, Rox.”

“Thanks. Thanks for listening to me.”

“That’s my job, now c’mon, one last round!”

* * *

 

Roxas continued to stay busy for the following days. He tried to make time for himself to just sit in his room and ruminate about his life when he wasn’t asked to go dancing with Sora, or to some bar with Hayner, or movies, or arcades, or museums with his other friends. He tried, but when that damn light turned on Roxas couldn’t stay focused. It served as a pilot light leading him home to the one place he never wanted to be far away from, and he hated himself for being so wishy-washy. He hated the draw of the light but loved it when he got to interact with Axel.

So, he found himself occasionally staying up very late, playing video games with Axel, voice chatting, streaming the same movies at the same time, and lying in bed hugging his pillow while talking to Axel, and of course whimpering out Axel’s name quietly while they both came.

Roxas always felt terrible for it the next day when he had to get up early because felt super groggy. He hated his weakness. He hated what Axel must think of him – somewhere deep in his heart. He hated the idea that Axel should ever think Roxas depended on him and oh-so-needy. When that sense of self-loathing grew too big, Roxas pulled back again. He ignored the call of the lamp, made plans with friends, and then forced himself to go to sleep after sending a simple message to Axel wishing him a good night. He managed to do this several days in a row and began to feel competent at adulting again. But he absolutely hated that he couldn’t stick to his resolves. He hated it that Axel noticed.

The following week, a Tuesday – and Axel’s day off – they exchanged a few messages over a few hours. Axel asked Roxas if he had any plans that evening and Roxas had spent his time messaging around, almost frantically, asking if any of his friends wanted to do anything that night, desperate to make himself busy, so he could practice being a separate entity from Axel.

Eventually, Roxas’ phone rang, and he picked up, feeling nervous because he hadn’t found a convincing enough excuse as to why he couldn’t hang out with Axel tonight.

“Hi, Axel.” He swung his feet as he sat in the chair by his desk.

 _“Is everything all right?”_ Axel said with no lead-in and no soft conversation. Axel just went straight to asking with a sharpness in his tone.

He gave a nervous laugh. “Yeah. Why’re you asking?”

A huff sounded through the line. _“I keep asking you and you keep saying the same thing.”_

“Everything is fine, really.” Roxas tried to reassure as much as possible. “I don’t know why you keep asking.”

Some silence fell but then, _“I keep asking because something’s not right. It feels like something’s wrong and that you’re giving me the cold shoulder.”_

“I’m not—” but his resolve to deny crumbled to dust. “I’m sorry. It’s not intentional. It’s not supposed to upset you.”

_“So you are.”_

“What? No! No, no, no. I’m… just trying to get my stuff in order.”

 _“You just admitted that you were and then you say you didn’t.”_ Axel groaned. “ _What stuff are you trying to get ordered that requires you to keep ditching me all the time?”_

Roxas felt ill at ease. “Work and friends and family.”

_“Look, I get that, Rox, I really do. But what the fuck am I to you? Why do I get left behind in all of this?”_

Discomfort fluttered in Roxas’ chest. His breathing drew short and shallow, and his palms grew sweaty. The need to placate Axel overwhelmed him. “You’re my boyfriend. I love you.” If he could have pawed at Axel’s groin through the line, he would have.

_“I’m glad you still remember that you have a boyfriend.”_

Roxas blinked at his curtained window for a stunned moment. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

_“I don’t like being put last. I get that you need time away, but I never expected you to ignore me and I swear it feels like you’re trying to avoid me.”_

Roxas’ stomach filled with heavy dread. Panic rose and also, more dangerously, the sharp heat of anger flushed through him. “I… I’m not. I’m just busy. I haven’t seen my friends and family in forever.”

 _“And I fucking get that,”_ Axel’s voice dripped with exasperation. _”But it fucking sounds like you’ve been putting one ‘particular’ friend above everyone else.”_

Roxas stared cluelessly for a second. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 _“I hear you’re spending a lot of time with ‘Hayner,’”_ Axel spat with derision.

Roxas frowned. “So? He’s my BFF.”

 _“That B stands for best friend, you know that, right?”_ Axel drawled.

A stunned numbness froze him. Roxas felt stuck in some sort of alternate dimension. He had never heard Axel act like this. The panic inside his chest rose and he felt way too hot. He breathed harshly as he said, “Cut it out, Axel. Do you _seriously_ think I’m…” Roxas felt sick. He couldn’t say it. “Are you jealous of my _friendship_ with Hayner?” he said instead.

 _“He’s more than a friend. He clearly likes you,”_ Axel spat.

“Get stuffed! How would you know? You’re not even here,” Roxas snapped back, anger burning bright and thumping through his veins.

 _“I’m not there because ‘you’ don’t ‘want me’ there, or have you forgotten?”_ Axel’s voice rose sharply.

Roxas frowned in confusion. “No, that’s not true.”

_“I’ve offered to come over multiple times. You didn’t want to ‘trouble’ me, remember? Was it so I wouldn’t be troubled about you and Hayner?”_

“Ah—” Roxas’ mouth hung open, his voice lost to him in the depths of shock.

_“It’s so obvious that he likes you. I don’t even ‘need’ to be there to know it. He keeps asking you out all the time. You keep changing our plans to be with him.”_

“I… that… that’s not what’s happening.” Had that really been happening? Roxas’ mind raced while an uncomfortable buzzing shook through his body.

_“C’mon Roxas, you’ve got blinders on when it comes to your friends.”_

Anger sparked, and his hand began trembling as he clutched his phone painfully tight. “Excuse me?”

_“You can’t see Hayner totally crushing on you and you couldn’t see Vanitas slowly abusing you.”_

It was worse than a slap in the face. Roxas’ ears filled with a slight ring and he felt woozy. He found his voice though and said, “So you’re saying it’s my fault?”

_“No. The way that fucking prick treated you was never your fault, but you not leaving him earlier… I’m saying you don’t notice what those around you are doing to you until it’s too late.”_

He didn’t know what to feel. Anger, yes, but… it was so much more complicated than that. Should he be offended? Upset? _Outraged?_ It all began to mix together. “ _Too late?_ What’s Hayner supposed to be doing to me?”

_“Turning you away from me.”_

“He’s not. He just knows that I’m—he’s trying to be a good friend to me.”

 _“He knows you’re what?”_ came the snappy, loaded question.

“Nothing. Don’t change the subject,” Roxas tried to divert.

 _“No, he knows you’re what, Roxas.”_ Axel cracked, harsh and biting.

“I… I…” Roxas grunted with frustration. He didn’t know what happened – why Axel was so mad… because he was _properly_ mad. It hurt and Roxas wanted to run away from it… but anger also broiled in his veins. “I’m obsessed with you, okay? That’s what’s going on. You’re always in my head.” He clutched at his hair, feeling a headache brewing. “I can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop putting you before everything and everyone else – and that includes myself – and if I don’t reign this in, it’s going to fuck up my life. I can’t get anything done.”

 _“Where’s this coming from? I’m fucking up your life? Me? The guy who’s been bending over backward for you?”_ Axel’s high strung voice pierced Roxas’ ear.

“No, that’s not—I’m fucking up my own life because I can’t—I don’t know how to _be_ without you.”

_“Why do you wanna be without me? Just tell it to me straight, for fucks sake.”_

“No, stop putting the wrong fucking words in my mouth.” Roxas gave a frustrated cry. “That’s not what I mean. _Fuck!”_ He pinched the bridge of his nose, but it didn’t stop the tears.

_“Then what do you mean? Because all I’m seeing is you completely ignoring me and shutting me out. You get what you need from me and then you just up and leave? I don’t like being used, Roxas. I don’t like you not talking to me.”_

“I’m not doing that. I’m not ignoring you. I never used you. God,” Roxas sobbed, “please don’t think I ever used you. I’ve been, like, spending almost every night talking to you. I don’t know why you’re feeling this way. I don’t understand.” He pleaded with Axel. He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt like he was losing, and losing big time.

A hefty sigh left Axel and then he spoke, a lot calmer than moments earlier, _“We spend time together, yes, but you never say anything. I ask and ask, and you just keep blowing me off. You get all hot and cold on me. One day you’ll be texting me and the next I hear nothing from you and you have no time. I don’t know what to think. I hate feeling so uncertain about us. I hate not knowing what’s going on for you and not knowing what you’re thinking or feeling. It just feels like you are hiding stuff from me.”_

“I’m not hiding things. I’m just trying to give myself space, Axel. You’re important to me, but… I haven’t been putting myself first in… well, ever, really. I’m trying to change that. Please don’t think I don’t want you. Please don’t think I don’t like you or don’t love you. I do. So much. I spend as much time with you as I can. We do so much,” he said more quietly, “webcamming. I don’t know what else you want from—”

_“I want more than just your body, Roxas. I can’t believe you’re still thinking that way. It’s not a good look. It’s not comforting in light of everything you’re keeping from me.”_

“I’m not keeping anythi—”

_“Bullshit! Everything you’re doing now is what you’ve always done in the past. Old habits die hard, Roxas.”_

“What old habits?”

 _“Sleeping with me to make me less angry. Not being open with me around what’s going on for you. It all points to one conclusion.”_ Axel’s voice trembled.

The words punched Roxas in the gut. He had been trying to ignore it – had hoped they could just fix it without going there but…. Roxas swallowed down the lump in his throat. “Y-you’re accusing me of cheating on you?” Roxas winced with disgust and upset.

_“Old habits, Roxas. It wouldn’t be the first time you kissed some guy while in a relationship.”_

He felt it – the verbal slap. Rage ignited. He sprang up from his desk chair, wanting to punch something. “You’re the one who _always_ said that what we were doing _wasn’t_ cheating! You _never_ stopped me! You _wanted_ more. How fucking _dare you_ say that to me! What’s fucking wrong with you?”

 _“So you’re admitting it!”_ came Axel’s shrill cry.

“Fuck off!”

_“Answer me. Are you and Hayner fucking?”_

“We’re not. Where’s this coming from? What’s with you fixating on him? Are you _that_ insecure? Are you _that_ desperate to blame someone? If you are, then blame _me_.” Roxas glowered at the photograph of himself and Axel as he thumped his free hand against his chest. “ _I’m_ doing this – _I’m_ keeping my distance. It’s _my_ choice, not Hayner’s, not anyone else’s. I know I’ve got problems and I’m trying to work on them. How many times am I supposed to tell you? How many different ways can I try to spell it out to you?” he yelled, his heart in his throat and his palms all clammy.

 _“It was supposed to be ‘our’ problem. We were supposed to work on things together, remember? But you’ve shut me out,”_ Axel yelled back.

Roxas seethed and grit his teeth. Appalling disgust churned through him. He could feel it – the déjà vu. The sick tickle of familiarity… from the person who was supposed to be his savior. Roxas wanted to throw up as all of his most secret tormenting troubles were becoming a reality. “I don’t need you for _everything_ in my life. I don’t _want_ you for everything in my life!” Roxas’ fingernails dug into his palm and his whole body trembled. “I’m not your pet project to help you get over feeling guilty about Xion!” he screamed, leaving his throat raw. Tears blurred his vision and his hand clapped over his mouth as those last words rang in his own ears. Nothing but static sounded over the line.

“Axel, I didn—”

_“Don’t! Don’t you dare say another word to me.”_

“Axe—”

_“We’re done. Fuck whoever you want, think about whoever you want, I don’t care as long as it’s not me. I’m done with you. It’s over. I’ll see you when you get back to pick up the cat.”_

Axel hung up and Roxas stood in his room stunned. His phone slipped from his grasp and clattered to the ground.

The sound startled Roxas. “Fuck!” he screamed and quickly looked down, locating his phone. He dropped it a few more times as his fingers fumbled with grasping it. He tried to call back. The phone call declined. He called back again. Declined. Again. Declined. Again. Declined. _Again_. _Declined_.

Roxas’ shallow inhales and exhales rasped. He could barely see what he typed through the shaking and blurry vision, but he fired off a string of messages—

message header - **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 14:29 Roxas: I’m so sorry!  
  
Roxas: Please forgive me.  
  
Roxas: Axel I love you.  
  
**Today** 14:30 Roxas: Please talk to me!  
  
Roxas: (Penguin )  
  


He waited seconds which felt like hours, but no reply came.

He tried calling again. The line beeped, ending the call. It didn’t even go to voicemail. Roxas felt beyond terrible. What had he done? Honestly. What had he _done?_ He replayed the conversation in his head – he tried to anyway, but it proved difficult and didn’t make sense.

There came a knock on his door, scaring Roxas half to death.

_“Baby, can I come in?”_

“Mom,” he sobbed.

The door opened, and his mother came in and upon locating him on the floor went to him and wrapped him up in her arms. “What’s happened? You were shouting.”

A tremendous sob wracked through him. “Axel—he… he broke up with me,” he squeaked as sadness overcame him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*throws out a liferaft for anyone who might be drowning and runs and hides*_


	24. Single-minded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas feels very, _very_ low.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this chapter contains very depressive thoughts. Minor suicidal ideation warning applies. Maybe read this when in a good sort of a headspace.

Restless days passed with little sleep to hurry along the hours. All the things that reminded Axel of Roxas were hidden from sight because the sting it brought to his eyes and the heaviness that resided in his chest were constant companions and grew exponentially denser whenever he laid eyes on clothes, or penguin, or blueprint, or curtain, or lamp, or jacket, or cat. Though he couldn’t really hide Cheshire away; she was far too boisterous to be locked in the bathroom. Axel dealt with her – and the reminder she brought with her – the best he could.

Dealing with Cheshire proved to be not so challenging because he really liked her for her own cute, furry merits. She made for a fun companion and Axel had been passing the time over the month that Roxas had been gone for by training her to do tricks like rolling over, fetching things, standing on her hind legs, and giving him high fives. He had been getting a little slack in teaching her but used the sleepless hours he currently experienced to try and attain the ultimate goal: getting her to be theatrical and play dead. The activity went some of the way towards helping Axel distract himself.

Axel had blocked Roxas from all their typical modes of communication. He even blocked Sora, Roxas’ cousin, who had started flooding his messenger app and inbox with messages. All Axel wanted to feel was anger and so he focused on that, but it led to the aforementioned sleepless nights.

He, resentfully enough, had been getting wary and suspicious over the last two weeks. He hadn’t liked what Sora had been telling him. He hadn’t liked the photos he had seen either. He liked it even less how Roxas hadn’t said a word to him and it made the physical and emotional distance between them all the more harrowing.

Axel had wanted to give Roxas the benefit of the doubt – give him space and time to tell him the truth – but the more he had to wait, the angrier he had gotten, and the aggregate of days and weeks of uncertainty and mixed signals had worn Axel’s patience to a thin crisp which had snapped last night. He hadn’t called to break up with Roxas. That had never been the intention – he had just wanted answers – but it had turned into a mess of heated words and the heat refused to leave him, even now. It only grew hotter with the passing days.

At present, Axel found himself staring vacantly across his room, a cup of coffee – long cold and untouched – between his hands. Cheshire roused him, jumping on the table and lapping at his mug. Axel rubbed her until she purred and then he made sure she had food and water before he pulled on some pants, grabbed the jacket that Roxas had made for him off the hanger near the door, and went out. He had been very indecisive about the jacket. He had thrown it in the closet, taken it back out, thrown it in again, and had bored holes into the wardrobe door all night before he had taken it out of there and now kept it permanently hanging on the hooks by the front door. As he slipped it on, he wondered why he still wore the jacket. It was comfortable and cool and had nothing to do with wanting to feel Roxas around himself. That’s what he told himself as he shut his front door and headed out.

Combat boots hit the pavement at great speed. He rushed around aimlessly through the city, but then found that it had been a lie. He had ended up outside of the bookstore Riku managed and co-owned.

He went inside of the spacious, two-level establishment. The ground floor had a large array of books on shelves, and the second floor housed a café where customers could drink, eat, and read the books that had just been purchased. If Axel were much into books, he would think the atmosphere to be very conducive to reading due to the quiet peace inside.

He wandered around the shop, doing a systematic sweep through the aisles, looking for Riku.

“Are you lost?” said the familiar voice.

He turned around, relieved that he didn’t have to spend too much time searching. “No, I’m here to see you. When’s your next break?”

“I don’t do that stuff at work. Go home and text me later.”

Axel rolled his eyes. “No, I’m not here for _that_. I need to talk to someone level-headed.”

Riku grunted. “Fine. Give me five minutes.”

Axel ordered two coffees while he waited for Riku and stood leaning over the wooden banister, whilst he overlooked the bookstore below. Eventually, coffees were ready and so was Riku, who arrived with a, “Thanks,” as Axel passed him a mug.

They wandered towards the back, taking seats at a table with a white ash veneer.

“I haven’t seen or heard from you in a long while. What’s so important that you had to come in to my work for?” Riku blew on his coffee and stirred sugar and creamer in with a spoon.

It suddenly occurred to Axel how rude this probably was. Once Roxas had come back into his life, he had dropped all contact with Riku. “Sorry I haven’t been in touch. Things have been a bit hectic. How’ve you been?”

“Fine. Life’s pretty steady.”

“Business going well?” Axel glanced around the semi-busy space.

“Yeah. Book week is coming up soon. But what are you here to discuss? I know you’re not interested in my life.” Riku eyed Axel briefly.

“Hey, c’mon. I might be a lousy friend, but I definitely am interested in you and your life. I just suck at showing it right now.”

“Well fine, I retract that statement. But I definitely know you’re not here to talk about me right now, so what’s up?”

Axel sighed and thumbed the lip of his mug. Where should he begin? What did he even come here to discuss? Was there anything _to_ discuss? Did he just want to vent? “Well, Roxas and I got together about two months ago.”

“Oh, congratulations,” eyebrows raised in surprise and Riku smiled with sincerity on his face.

“No, you can keep those congratulations to yourself.” Axel frowned into his cup. “It’s been way more trouble than it’s been worth.”

“But I thought you really liked him.”

Axel sighed. His feelings didn’t make much sense to him right now – it was why he needed to talk to someone about it… and for some reason, he really didn’t want to talk to Kairi about this. He felt the heaviness that resided in his heart and he knew one thing for certain— “I do. I love him, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I thought the now-ex-boyfriend was the big problem. Once he was out of the picture, everything was supposed to just fall into place with us. Things haven’t been easy – there’s been issues, but things were improving. Things were really good between us – and then Roxas wanted to go back home for a time-out, which I’m fine with… or so I thought,” he muttered. “We were talking almost every day, but lately things have been off with him. I thought at first it was just because he was keeping busy with volunteer work, which is fine. I’m actually really happy that he’s been going out and doing things he likes doing. But I didn’t expect him to be quite _so_ busy either, I guess? And then his cousin, Sora – sweet guy really – he’s been telling me about all the things Roxas hasn’t been telling me about – like how Rox keeps getting hit on by all these guys – which is fine – but he hasn’t made a single mention of it at all, and he keeps hanging out with his _friend_ , Hayner, and that guy’s just bad news.”

Axel swirled his mug and watched the changing pattern of the foam. Thinking back on all of this didn’t give him any clarity. Everything had been fine and then everything had been not fine, almost like a switch had been flipped. He had heard of things like this happening so often: of people losing interest in their partners over long-distances distance. Axel thought that they _had_ been having fun though. He couldn’t understand the on and off ways of Roxas’ behavior. The thought of Roxas falling for someone else while they were still supposed to be in a devoted relationship grossed him out and made him very irritable.

“Since when have you been the jealous type?” Riku voiced calmly.

Axel’s eyes raised and fell just as quickly. “Since Roxas,” he admitted, frowning at nothing in particular. “I got irritated with him. We were supposed to spend some time together, but he kept blowing me off, mostly for that Hayner guy. I can see what that—”

“Don’t swear in here or I’m going to have to kick you out,” Riku interjected coolly

Axel gave a surprised chuckle. Riku knew him quite well. It felt oddly comforting, especially as everything felt so hollow at present. “Noted. But the guy’s completely trying to take Roxas from me and I lost my shi-cool,” Axel caught himself, “after weeks of watching the guy muscling in on my time with my own boyfriend.”

“You think after everything you two have been through that he would just dump you for someone else?” Riku’s eyebrow cocked.

“ _I_ dumped _him_ ,” Axel said, stern expression on his face. Roxas’ last remark to him still burnt worse than a volcanic lava pit.

“Why did you do that? Roxas was all you ever talked about for a while there.” Riku’s eyebrow somehow raised further and he took a sip from his mug.

“Because I don’t deserve being treated like some second-rate human; like a nobody. He’s been distant and cold. He’s not supposed to do that to me. Before he left, we discussed things. He said he needed space to figure himself out; I’ve given that to him, but he’s basically been saying the _exact_ same stuff to me again like nothing’s changed or gotten better. Things have only gotten worse because… well, now he doesn’t even talk to me about things and all that stuff with his friend—”

“All the hearsay, you mean,” Riku interjected, “You never actually met the guy.”

“I don’t need to. I can tell something’s wrong from how Roxas behaves. One day he’ll be super affectionate and the next – stone cold, keeping me at arm’s length. What’m I supposed to think? I get one story from him but another from his cousin.”

“Would the cousin have any reason to lie to you?”

“Sora? F-He-ck no,” Axel fumbled before Riku’s gaze turned to one of full disapproval. “Sora’s the one guy I can trust. He wants us to be together, but Roxas… some days I feel like he doesn’t – like I’m a burden on him.” That thought riled him up a lot. He felt used and discarded in favor of the next best thing – in this case the BFF. But where had Hayner been when Roxas had needed a friend? Axel gripped his mug so tight his arm started shaking.

Dark-gray eyebrow cocked. “Did you ever ask him about that? Did you tell him how you felt?”

Axel drew up a blank. He didn’t like the idea of Riku taking Roxas’ side. “Of course I did. I called him and asked him what the deal with him and Hayner was.”

“And?”

“He denied it. We got into an argument over it and he… said some really unforgivable things.” Axel ground his teeth. How was he fucking up Roxas’ life? Axel couldn’t get over Roxas saying that. And then the _other_ thing… to have his deepest secret thrown back at him like that – he had never in a million years expected that from Roxas. To say it hurt a lot would be an understatement. It was humiliating. “I’m his – _was –_ his boyfriend. Why’s he putting his friends above me? Especially scumbag jerks who are trying to weasel their way in between us. He won’t believe me. He never fu—” Axel huffed out and swore in his head instead, “He never believes me, even when I’m spot on about things. He doesn’t know what people are really like, he can’t see what his friend is trying to do.”

“Pretty bold assumptions you’re making.”

Axel scrunched up his nose. “You’re supposed to have my back.”

“I might if you didn’t sound so much like a self-entitled brat right now.”

Axel’s mouth fell open. He hadn’t expected that.

“All this talk about what Roxas should and shouldn’t do – how he should treat you – and what you expect of him… it honestly doesn’t sound very good, Axel. It almost sounds controlling.” Riku continued on, not leaving space for Axel to defend himself. “For someone who was _all_ about Roxas’ happiness back when he wasn’t yours, your tune sure seems to have changed now that you are – _were_? – boyfriends. Maybe you should take a look at that and see how it’s making you think and feel about Roxas as a person. Contempt is never a good look.”

“I don’t have contempt for Roxas. I have the utmost respect for him.”

“You sure about that?”

His blood began to boil. To be lumped in with… he huffed. “Yes!”

“But you think you know what’s best for him.”

“I—” Axel fell silent. He hated that he could slowly see the point Riku seemed to be making. “I’m nothing like that as—I’m nothing like his ex,” Axel snapped. He clutched the coffee mug tighter, trying to keep his trembling arm in check.

Riku just gave him a look and then drained his coffee. “Thanks for the drink. I think I’ll be going.”

“Riku,” Axel pleaded. He wasn’t done yet. He needed more venting time.

Riku pushed his chair back, preparing to get up. But before he did, he said, “Can I ask you one final thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you trust your boyfriend?”

The uncomfortable knot tightened in Axel’s gut. He had tried to ignore it, but Vanitas’ words rolled through his head, _‘He’ll use you too. He’ll cheat on you like he did with me.’_ A mix of revulsion and vindication churned through him. “I don’t know what to think. Before we were dating, he kissed me, more than once too. He was ready to sleep with me, but I turned him down because we made a promise to try and be friends.” Axel didn’t like being painted like an asshole, but he didn’t know why he was now trying to make Roxas out to be an asshole either.

Riku hummed. “So, you think… because he was willing to go all the way with you that he’s going to do the same again with some other guy?”

Axel’s heart thumped with discomfort. He wore a disgruntled frown and refused to commit to an answer. Saying anything would result in having to admit to it, and he couldn’t do that, not to himself, or to Roxas.

“You’re the one who came here to talk, but you won’t. I’m done.” Riku finally stood up.

“Wouldn’t you think that too?” Axel burst out, leaning forward.

Riku looked down at him with a stern look. “He was in a bad relationship before. I assume dating you couldn’t be all that bad for him to cheat on you, right?”

“I’m respectful of his needs and wants. I treat him a million times better than his ex.” Axel was as certain of that fact as knowing that the sun rose in the east.

“And yet you still don’t trust him.” Riku sat back down. “You must have a pretty low opinion of him.”

“It’s not that. I just don’t know why he’s being so secretive… why he won’t tell me things. We had these problems before – him keeping stuff to himself – some pretty big stuff too. It…” he winced. “It hurts, y’know. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I wish he would just tell me to my face, and honestly… the things he said to me the other day… well, there was a reason I dumped him first.”

“Now you’ve left him no choice by dumping him.”

“I’m petty that way,” Axel muttered, pouting at his cup.

“You sure are. Have you considered that maybe he really _does_ love you? Have you thought that maybe there really _isn’t_ anything to tell? Maybe he’s really just good friends with that guy?”

“Of course I’ve thought of all those things. I’ve tried to talk myself out of a lot of sh–tuff. But… I keep getting stuck on that f–reaking BFF. There’re photos of them partying that Sora posts, you know. Hayner is _always_ there. Always _really_ close, making… _eyes_ at Roxas. And… and if Roxas _really is_ completely oblivious to it then… then I’m _even more_ worried about him. I don’t trust Hayner. I don’t trust him to not ply Roxas full of alcohol and have his way with him while they’re out partying,” Axel bit with the anger which built in his veins. He was certain of it; Hayner was bad news.

Riku sat quietly. His arms crossed and his eyes unfocused, in classic thinking-Riku style. He did speak after a while, “Maybe I’ll retract that comment about you being controlling. Maybe you’re just very protective of Roxas.”

Axel huffed. He could definitely agree with that. His history with Xion definitely clouded his judgment in that department a little. “You think it’s too much?”

Riku leaned back in his seat a little and said, “Maybe. Your protectiveness of him led to you saying hurtful things to him, and him saying hurtful things to you, and then you broke it off, right? Hurting both of you.”

Axel thought about it. That analysis was even more bitter than his coffee. He put the cup down and muttered, “Yeah. Pretty much, that’s it.”

Riku exhaled and gave Axel a pitying look. “You still care about him,” he said with a gentle undertone.

The weight of Axel’s heart felt too heavy. The sadness over losing someone he loved dearly began to overcome the protective layer of indignation he had been trying to hide behind. “I don’t get why he had to make everything so complicated. Why can’t he just be happy with me and forget the rest? Why does he have to be away? If he was with me, things would be different. I could help him. I know I could. But right now, I have no clue what’s going on with him.”

“Is it possible that you’re angry because you feel that you’re powerless to help him?”

Axel frowned at that question and drummed his fingers on the table. “Maybe? I’m frustrated, I know that.”

“There are some things you can’t help with. Roxas has to figure things out for himself and you will have to learn to deal with it. If you can’t, then breaking up with him was probably for the best.”

The internal reaction – that of a violent urge to deny Riku’s assumption – gave Axel some clarity. “I wish I hadn’t.”

“Why?”

Axel grumbled. “I was mad. I do dumb stuff when I’m mad.” He rubbed at his forehead and thought back on when he had given the penguins to Vanitas and all the trouble that had caused. He wondered what trouble he was causing Roxas right now. Roxas had verbally hit him where it hurt but…. Axel grimaced. He had said stuff that had been completely uncalled for and spiteful.

Axel felt the weight of his phone in his pocket at that moment. An ache stabbed him in the belly thinking about all the phone calls he had declined before he had blocked Roxas’ number. His stomach tensed and a heaviness came over his being. “I want to be there for him. I want to support him. I can’t do that if he won’t let me.”

“So that’s really what it is,” Riku mumbled and gave a surprised sounding huff.

“Huh?” Axel’s eyes drew up towards the other man.

Riku smacked his lips lightly before saying, “Where’re you in all this?”

Axel squinted at Riku. “Whaddya mean?”

“Well, it all sounds very selfless and sacrificial.”

“That’s me, in a nutshell,” he sighed.

“It’s not though. You’re kind, but not _that_ kind. You want and expect things from people – and there’s nothing wrong with that. You have enough self-respect to not get walked all over, but you can still be kind and generous which saves you from being completely arrogant. I admire that about you. But this Roxas situation – I’ve been looking at it from the outside and… well, you’re going to burn out if you keep being selfless, because that’s not something you do well for a long time.”

Axel stared with his mouth hanging open in shock. Did he… was that… he shook his head lightly. “Riku… did you just give me a _compliment_?” his slight smile grew into a smirk.

Riku rolled his eyes. “Is that seriously all you took from that?”

“No, it’s not. You think I’m being a pushover. I’m flattered that you care.”

“Of course, I care. Now, I do really need to get back to work. Have you gotten what you needed from me?” Riku made to get up.

“I don’t know. I could need something else. I am single right now, y’know.” He trailed his eyes up and down Riku’s body and winked, loving to tease the other man.

Riku rolled his eyes again, stood up, pushed the chair in to the table, and turned to leave. “Bye, Axel.”

“Bye, Riku – Seriously though… thanks for listening. You do have a point. I’ll think about it.”

Riku gave Axel an over-the-shoulder look and an acknowledging nod and headed for the stairs.

Axel breathed out a heavy sigh as his elbows went to the table. He rested his chin in his hands and mulled things over. Maybe he was a pushover for Roxas. Maybe he had been neglecting himself in the relationship. Roxas’ wants and needs had always been the most important thing to Axel. He needed time away? No problem. He needed to not talk to Axel about his problems? Fine. Now that Roxas was safe—an image of Xion’s smiling face flashed in his head. She wore a melancholy expression despite her efforts to show otherwise. She had always tried to put on a brave face. She had always pretended like everything was all right. The same guilty feeling that had haunted him for years welled up inside. It had gotten better since he had known that Roxas was out of that toxic relationship, but lately that feeling had been rising again.

Maybe Roxas was his way of redeeming himself. Was that so wrong though? It’s not like Axel’s feelings for Roxas were fake. He still cared a lot. Still wanted the best for him. And not just because of what had happened with Xion. Not _just_ because of that. But maybe a little bit… _Fuck_ , Axel cursed under his breath. Maybe Riku was right too. Axel needed to do what was right for himself as well – whatever that might be. He got up and left the store.

* * *

 

Roxas lived in abject misery. He spent his days curled up in the fetal position, cocooned under his blankets. At some point, there came a knock at the door before it creaked open.

 _“Roxas, are you okay?”_ came the mousy call.

Previously missing energy surged through Roxas’ body. He roused from his bed, the blankets nowhere near as heavy to lift as they had been seconds ago. “What did you _tell him?”_ he roared with fury as he sat up.

“What?” Blue eyes went wide with surprise.

“What did you fucking _tell him?_ ” Roxas demanded, still snapping at Sora who stood in the doorway.

“Who?”

_“Axel!”_

“What did I tell him, when?” Sora shook his head, not understanding.

Roxas seethed and his chest heaved with angry huffs. “What did you fucking _tell him_ when you _talked_ to him?” he strained past his tongue which felt too heavy.

“Huh? We just talked about stuff. What happened? He’s not answering any of my messages anymore.”

“ _You happened!_ ” he wanted to scream but croaked instead. His voice gave out, fatigued from all the crying he had been doing. He briefly buried his head in his hand and swallowed down the upset. “He broke up with me because of what _you_ said to him.”

“I didn’t—he did _what?_ What did I say to him?”

“How the _fuck_ am I supposed to know? He called and said shit about me flirting with guys and that me and Hayner—what have you been telling him?” Roxas thumped his fist against the mattress, frustrated, hurt, and very angry.

Sora stepped closer, his voice full of concern as he said, “Just that we’ve been going out. I tell him how much fun we’re having. Did he seriously break up with you?”

“Yes.” Roxas crumpled in on himself, his energy sapped. Tears flowed again, amplifying the headache that had been plaguing him for hours.

“Oh no, Roxas!” Sora rushed over and embraced Roxas’ sunken form.

A strong surge of revulsion swept through Roxas and he jerked violently, dislodging himself from Sora. “Get out!” he screamed. “Get out! Get out! _Get out!”_ over and over, drowning out any attempts at words that Sora tried to unleash.

Roxas sobbed and raged, throwing the thing nearest to him – a pillow – at Sora and then he went a little further afield; a box of tissues, a book, an empty cup of water, were all hurled in Sora’s direction, until lastly, Roxas’ phone made contact with the door as Sora hastily retreated from the onslaught.

 _“I’m sorry, Roxas,”_ Sora said from the other side of the door.

“Go away!” Roxas bellowed with raw fury, his voice breaking and leaving an abrasive feeling in his throat. He grabbed his blanket, pulling it over his head as he slammed down onto his bed. He screamed some more, into his mattress this time. It was all Sora’s fault. Roxas hadn’t told Axel any of the stuff he had been on about. Not the getting hit on, not how much time he had been spending with Hayner. None of that had been important, none of that had mattered, but for some reason it mattered to Axel – _a lot._

Roxas relived the conversation – or what he could recall of it – every day. And every time it grew the pain and deep anguish in his soul. Axel had broken up with him. That thought ripped him open every time and the flood of tears, inability to breathe, and ache in his chest started all over again. He cried into his pillow, wanting to muffle the sound because he was exhausted from having his mother come in to comfort him. It was humiliating and did nothing to soften his tormented heart.

He had worked so hard to stop this from happening. He had done everything he could to keep Axel happy – to keep the other man from rejecting him – from abandoning him… but it had happened anyway. Axel must see what a despicable person Roxas is. All of Roxas’ best intentions couldn’t disguise his rotten heart and soul. Vanitas had been right about _everything._ No one could ever love Roxas. Vanitas was the only one who ever truly understood him and had been willing to put up with his shit… but now even _he_ was gone.

Those thoughts ran through Roxas’ head for hours on end, digging, ripping, cutting, _boring_ into him deeper and deeper until the hurt he felt couldn’t even be expressed in words, or a scream, or tears anymore. It was just an endless deep sea of misery that Roxas drowned in.

How often the pain in his chest flowed and ebbed, and how many times there came a knock on the door, remained a mystery to Roxas. The passage of time was lost on him. All he saw was the darkness under his blanket, the bright light of his phone’s now-chipped screen whenever he tried to dial Axel’s number to no avail, and his mother’s face peering at him through a gap between the fabric folds. She popped in at least once a day, or so Roxas assumed. He couldn’t be sure. After a friendly poke she always flung the blankets off him and made him come out to eat a meal and to take a shower.

She said things to him but Roxas couldn’t hear them through the almost screaming voice in his head, which busily recited everything wrong with himself and his life. He was a piece of shit, useless, and dumb. He just hurt everyone he came into contact with. He had no respect for himself or others, he was the sole reason Vanitas had suffered, he was the only reason Axel was mad. No one would ever want him.

Vanitas had been right all along. Only _he_ could love someone as demented as Roxas – but not even Vanitas loved him anymore. No one did or ever would, because he was useless. He couldn’t do anything right, couldn’t see anything through to the end. Couldn’t commit. Not in work, or study, or love. He messed up his work orders, he broke things, and hearts. Not even his friends cared enough to try and help him. He was such a piece of shit.

He barely touched his food, his stomach too knotted to process anything. He didn’t like sitting at the dining table, with his heart, stupidity, and sorrow so exposed, but he complied because exhaustion made it too difficult to fight his mother.

The one thing he did like though was the expectation for him to shower. Roxas opted to bathe and he did so for an indeterminable amount of time whenever told to go to the bathroom. Yes, his sobbing amplified in the echo-chamber that was the bathroom, but he found comfort in screaming his lungs out below the water’s surface and having his hot tears indistinguishable from the water all around him. He liked his bathroom screaming matches the best when thoughts turned to Vanitas, because inevitably they did. The man still haunted him.

The accusations Axel had lain before him burned with familiarity. It had been a replay of the myriad of fights Roxas had with Vanitas in the past. Roxas being too distant, too quiet, not enough, not trustworthy. That last one bit into Roxas the hardest and often caused him to double over, clutching his midsection, while his face contorted with pain and grief. Roxas knew he was a horrible person; one not deserving of anyone’s love because he always inevitably hurt those he cared about the most. It made him grit his teeth, trying to shut the pain inside.

Days must have passed. Roxas was sure of it, if not certain of the quantity. Axel’s abandonment of Roxas grew incrementally heavier on his soul. He had no one and nothing that loved him quite the way Vanitas and Axel ever had. That served as the most painful realization of them all; he was all alone. Finally, all alone. The thing he deserved most in the world because he couldn’t hold onto anything he loved. Not Axel, not Cheshire, not Vanitas. That line of thinking made Roxas tremble. Every time it popped up, he gripped the edge of the bathtub, or twisted his bedsheets with frightful strength, and he cried and cried until all the tears had fallen out of his head, leaving nothing but a pounding, stuffy ache in his being.

Roxas grew convinced that he deserved to be alone. He deserved to never hold love again because he clearly didn’t know how to appreciate it. His head went to bittersweet memories of his childhood, playing with Vanitas, and then falling in love with him, and the ache he had caused Vanitas because he had left; left the one man he should have always been with for the rest of his forever.

Roxas had turned Vanitas into the monster he had become, and he had been well on the way of doing the same to Axel, and that tore Roxas up inside. Yet it also gave him the briefest of respites from feeling awful, because thank goodness he wasn’t in Axel’s life anymore to fuck things up. Thank goodness he didn’t have to cause Vanitas any more grief… or at the least wouldn’t be once the court case had been settled.

Life and everyone in it would be so much better off without him. It was a dull aching sort of an epiphany. Not that it changed anything. Nothing mattered. Not even his own feelings anymore. Somewhere along the way the sharp stab in his chest and twist in his gut had their sting removed. They were still there but didn’t hurt as much. The tears didn’t come as readily or forcefully, but his eyes were constantly weepy.

At some point, his mother’s muffled voice reached Roxas’ ears. He didn’t understand the tone of her voice or anything she said, but two things did lodge in his brain – doctor – medicine. Even though everything was fuzzy, something revolted inside himself. He didn’t want that. He knew as much.

His throat scratched with wind passing through as he said something to his mother. He didn’t know what he said, but it must have been enough, because after a press to his blanket-covered head and some words, she left with the click of the door latch.

It wasn’t instant, but somewhere, somehow, his mind grasped at something and didn’t let go. He was sick of himself. So very sick of himself. He felt tired of being pitiful and tired of his helplessness. Something jagged and tinglingly warm grew in his gut. The more his mind settled on what a loser he was, the more the feeling grew and increased with heat. It spread tension through his limp body and roused him out of his sleepy state. He understood what it was after a while; anger. Anger at himself, anger at Vanitas, and anger at Axel.

The conversation with Axel passed through his brain again, but this time his mind focused on something other than the breakup. It focused on Axel calling him blind to his friend’s true intentions. Roxas could finally agree. He was blinded. Blind to Axel, who only used Roxas to feel better about himself for not being able to help a friend.

That really roused him, and he finally managed the painful climb out of bed and began the excruciating shuffle to his door. He pottered around the house, slowly getting the hang of walking around at a faster pace than a sloth. He ate some food and actually – _just barely_ – tasted what he put in his mouth, and then went to the bathroom to clean up.

He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror for a while. His eyes drooped heavily with exhaustion and appeared puffy with sadness. His hair resembled a bird’s nest and he looked downright grizzly with the fuzz that had accumulated around his mouth and chops. He took his time trimming and then shaving the hair off his face. He carefully combed the knots out of his hair, splashed water on his face, and then ambled into the shower to scrub himself clean and get lots of conditioner in his hair to help detangle the rest of it.

His mind slowly awakened but also grew more disoriented as he crawled back toward the world. He watched some television, befuddled at all the news and how seemingly under-control situations had turned to complete shit in the matter of a week. A sardonic smile crept across his tired face. Perhaps he _could_ relate to that after all. He then spent some time on social media, choosing to ignore how his messages to Axel sat unread and unanswered. There were also a number of messages on his phone he never remembered receiving, but he had apparently replied to some of them. Yes, they were mostly one-word responses, but that didn’t negate from the bizarreness of not remembering any of this.

Curiously enough, he found a far longer message from Naminé which seemed to be a small part of a bigger conversation he apparently had with her over the phone. Going through his call history he found it – a call received from his cousin which had lasted two hours and fifteen minutes. He had no memory of it, but as he read through her texts, things seemed to make sense. She had attached some information about depression and listed a couple of numbers for Roxas to call if he needed help or wanted to see a therapist. Seeing that caused small bits of conversation to return to him. They had talked about his happiness and how it seemed to be tied up with the men in his life. A sob shook out of him because of the painful realization that he didn’t know how to be happy and fulfilled without someone there to share and be with. He resented the idea of needing a therapist but remembered that Naminé had, at one point, been pretty adamant about it. Roxas let the thought drop away. He couldn’t deal with it right now and went back to scrolling through his phone to see what else he had missed.

Hayner had messaged him a lot, asking if he was okay, and that Sora had told him that things weren’t okay for Roxas. When asked if he wanted Hayner to come over, Roxas had messaged back a _‘no.’_ Relief didn’t even begin to describe what Roxas felt over that discovery. Roxas wasn’t sure how to deal with Hayner right now. Axel had been ridiculous, but the more Roxas thought about it, the deeper the feeling of paranoia and self-consciousness grew. His mind raced back to all his interactions with Hayner, trying to find clues and hard evidence that Axel was right in his assumption. But it proved to be too laborious a task for him in that moment, so he dropped it. He decided he would continue to ignore Hayner for the time being and tried to think of what he could do right now to make himself feel better.

He didn’t want to think of Axel, or Naminé, or Hayner. He wanted to focus on himself without having to get introspective. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He needed something action oriented. He needed something to do – to plan. A niggling feeling came over him that he had forgotten to do something. That unfinished business that needed his attention remained. A great surge of energy coursed through his veins and like a madman, he went through his belongings until he found a card with delicate floral printing on it.

He called Aerith, not realizing what time it was, but found her to be cheerful and happy to hear from him. Roxas doggedly made plans to come work for her in about six weeks and set himself a goal to use the last of his stay in Atlantica, and the majority of his time in Forrester, to get family and friends to teach him how to drive, so he could be of greater assistance to Aerith.

He became transfixed on that idea and got online, downloaded the learners’ permit handbook and spent most of the night studying and revising it, intent on sitting the exam the next day. It’s not like he could sleep anyway, though he snored hard when his mother woke him late the next morning to take him to the DMV.

He passed, only just, and then badgered his father to spend the afternoon teaching him.

A few more days passed and Roxas felt better about himself. He kept busy during the day making plans for himself. He looked for accommodation in Pensacola – something which caused a wave of pain and a strangled sob to fight its way out of him – but he shook his head and told himself to grow up.

Roxas invited Sora out for dinner – his treat – and Sora thankfully accepted.

“You’re not going to throw stuff at me, are you?” Sora questioned with a cautious smile when they greeted each other at Roxas’ front door.

Roxas slipped out of the house, hearing the lock click shut behind himself. “No. I’m really sorry about what happened. I want to take you out to apologize and make it up to you.”

Sora’s tremendous smile flourished on his face and he pulled Roxas into a tight embrace. “Where’re we heading?”

“The Spaghetti Oyster. That place still exists, right?”

“Heck yeah! Let’s go!” Sora practically pulled Roxas towards his car.

“Oh, hey, um… I’m learning to drive. Want me to… do you mind if maybe I—”

“Woah! Yes! Of course. I’ll teach you everything I know,” came the overwhelmingly enthusiastic response.

It took them a little longer to get there than if Sora had driven, but eventually, they were seated in the cozy little Italian eatery. Rustic furnishings stood inside the building. Wooden chairs and tables, with checkered tablecloths, some Italian sounding muzak, and fake grape vines hung from the rafters. This place had always been a favorite of theirs growing up.

Plates of mostly eaten pizza and crumbs of garlic bread littered their table and they were both well-stuffed by the end of the evening.

“I’m really sorry for blowing up at you,” Roxas interjected when Sora went for a sip of his drink in between his retelling of what fun nights of dancing Roxas had missed out on since last week. Roxas regretted having been so mopey, though he also felt justified in his upset at the same time.

“You really don’t have to keep apologizing. I mean… yeah, it wasn’t nice seeing you like that, and I didn’t like being treated like that, but it’s okay. You feeling better now?”

“Yeah. A bit. Good enough to be up and out.” He gave an upbeat smile but a flat delivery.

“And learning to drive. I’m impressed.”

“Thanks, but it’s really nothing to be impressed about. I’m the last out of our friends to do it.”

“Yeah, but you have an excuse.”

“Barely.” Roxas looked down at the table as he ran his fingers along the edge where the tablecloth cascaded down.

Sora huffed. “You’re being all gloom and doom. So, tell me, are you and Axel patching things up? What even happened?”

It had been a naïve thought but Roxas had somehow hoped that he could just apologize without having to talk about what happened. He thought himself lucky that they had gotten through most of the night without talking about it. With a heavy sigh he began, “He broke up with me.” His voice quavered woefully. He wondered if he would ever get over it.

“But why?”

“He thought I… cheated on him.” His throat almost strangled him as he said that.

 _“What?_ With _who?”_

Roxas shrugged. “He said stuff about me getting hit on, and he’s worried about how much time I’m spending with Hayner. I haven’t bothered telling him about stuff like that, but apparently _you_ have been.” Roxas couldn’t keep the accusation out of his voice or the miniscule frown from knitting his brows.

“Oh, so – _oh_ , that’s why you got annoyed at me?”

“Yeah.” Roxas sighed heavily, “I’m sorry.”

Sora’s brow furrowed. “That’s so dumb. Why would he…”

“Your guess is as good as mine. So since then he hasn’t replied to any of my messages or calls, so I’ve stopped trying. I’m just gonna focus on myself for now,” he said, almost as a reaffirmation for himself. He needed to stop looking for his happiness in others. Roxas looked forward to seeing Naminé again. He had spoken to her briefly a few times in the last couple of days. It felt nice to have support and to be reminded that this wasn’t the end of the world.

“You two’ll be all right. Axel will calm down and then you two can talk and sort everything out.”

An exasperated sigh seeped out of Roxas. “I don’t think he’ll ever want to talk to me again.”

“Don’t be so sure of that. After I left your place, I tried to get in touch with him, but he ignored me. But he started talking to me again a couple of days ago.”

Roxas’ head snapped up. _“He did?”_ Roxas didn’t know how to feel about that. Relief flowed over him for not being the only one to have received the silent treatment. But at the same time, resentment and upset boiled inside himself that Axel had chosen to talk to Sora before himself. “What’s he been saying?”

“He hasn’t talked about what happened. He’s mainly just trying to convince me to dye my hair red.”

Roxas’ heart ached, and a sob-throttled laugh came out. He wiped at his eyes, hoping it would somehow stop the tears.

Sora gave a sympathetic hum. “You want me to set him straight? Put in a good word for you?”

“No. I think it’s better if you just stay out of it. I hope you’re right. I hope this will blow over and he’ll talk to me again.”

“Oh, he will. I know you don’t want to hear this but you two are—”

 _“Soulmates,”_ they both said.

Roxas gave Sora a disgruntled look. “If we’re really soulmates, why is this happening? Why aren’t we together? Why won’t he talk to me?”

“Being soulmates doesn’t mean you get to skip out on fights and that you’ll never have an argument. But being soulmates means you’ll forgive each other because you feel better together than apart.”

Sora’s optimism dug into Roxas. “I really find it hard to believe you sometimes, y’know. I want him to be my soulmate but I just… it’s not so easy to believe. Not when I’ve had what I had with Vanitas. And all this stuff coming from you – well, you’ve never had a relationship as far as I know – so, well… excuse me if I find it hard to believe.”

Moments passed without a word from Sora. Roxas chanced a glanced up at his cousin, to see deep thoughtful creases on his forehead, which looked thoroughly out of place.

“I’m sorry,” Roxas ventured another apology.

Deep blue eyes locked onto Roxas. “I’m not with anyone because I’m waiting for my soulmate. No one I’ve ever met – no one’s ever felt like how he felt here in my heart.” Sora’s fist knocked lightly against his chest. The gravity in his voice unmistakable.

Had Roxas heard right? “ _How he_ – you mean you _met_ yours?” he asked, incredulously.

Sora breathed in audibly and his lips pressed together while he gave a miniscule nod.

“What? _How?_ _When?_ Where? _What?_ Why? _How? Why?_ Where is _he?”_ Roxas looked around himself in bewilderment. For all of Sora’s big talking of soulmates, it felt completely unfathomable that Sora wasn’t happily married to the guy by now if he had met him once.

Sora took another deep breath and began talking, slowly, “We met when I was four. Mom and pop took me to Destiny Islands for a vacation. That’s where I met him. I didn’t know what it was, but I had the best time with him. The _best_.” Sora laughed, but it sounded full of melancholy. “He must have been around my age. Turquoise eyes like a beautiful lagoon, silver hair – the sun was so bright shining off it. We were having too much fun exploring the island that I never asked for his name. That’s how special it had been. It felt like I had always known him, so I never thought I wouldn’t see him again. Especially because we made a promise to see each other the next day, but I had to go on a cruise thing with my parents and when I raced back to the small pier where we had agreed to meet, he wasn’t there. But I did find this—” Sora cracked open the small star-shaped locket around his neck. He shook out a small star-shaped object. “He swore he’d take me to find a paopu fruit. Said he had seen one once and that he had evidence, and that he was going to show me the next day.”

Roxas looked at the small brown object. Sora put it away a few moments later. An unmistakable and completely foreign gloom settled on him. “So, I know what it’s like. And I know how precious it is to find the person you fit together with. You’re lucky to have found Axel. I know you guys will pull through. I know you two will sort out your differences.” Some cheer returned to Sora and he gave an encouraging smile.

Roxas stared at his cousin, bewildered. “You really think that you met him back at the island?”

“Yeah. I know it was him. Now, thinking back on it. The excitement and happiness I feel when I think of him… I feel a _tiny_ fraction of that when I know that you and Axel are together. It’s how I know people belong together and have good hearts. It’s that same sort of feeling.”

Roxas gave a thoughtful, “Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say. An awkwardness Roxas had never felt before fell between them. They both sat in silence. Sora fiddled with his locket and Roxas glanced around the busy restaurant, with its Italian winery decor.

“Why’s this the first I’ve ever heard about it?” he ventured cautiously, returning his gaze onto Sora.

“Because I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. It’s better to pretend that I never met him. And coming up with stories about our soulmates was always fun.”

Roxas frowned and wrinkled his nose. He remembered sleepovers where they had described their perfect man to each other. It had been long ago and so silly. “I never knew this soulmates stuff was so serious for you.”

“Guess I’m not the most serious person most of the time. But this really is important to me.” Sora’s lip twitched up into a lopsided smile.

Roxas still reeled from the news. “So… you’ve been keeping yourself from dating anyone seriously because… of your soulmate… who is somewhere out there. But you don’t know where, or what his name is or anything?”

“Yeah.”

“But… _why_? Sora… what if you _never_ find him again?”

Sora rubbed his lips together thoughtfully and his eyes scanned the leftover pizza toppings strewn over their plates. “We’ll find each other one day.”

“You’re happy to be all alone until then?”

“I’m not all alone. I have my family and friends. I’m happy.” The big trademark Sora-smile came out to play.

Roxas really doubted that smile reached down all the way into Sora’s heart. But he also knew that he and Sora were very different people. That didn’t stop him being overcome with sadness for his cousin, who put so much stock in his belief around soulmates that he willingly would forgo finding his own happiness with someone else for a dream and a hope. “You sure?”

“Yeah.”

They spoke about other things after that disclosure, but the brief revelation of melancholy inside Sora’s heart lingered in Roxas’ mind a long time after. Something inside himself didn’t want to be like Sora. He didn’t want to hold onto hope and make himself sad thinking that there was only one person out there for him – let alone that this one person was currently very mad at him.

Roxas didn’t know what to do with himself and that thought. But he supposed he needed to try harder to get over his intense feelings for the past men in his life. He needed to work harder on finding his own inner happiness.

So, he tried, and after a few days more, Roxas even began enjoying himself. At some point, he noticed that a weight slipped off his shoulders once the blanket of sadness had been rolled up and stowed away. Yes, this new found strength was fragile and brittle. The slightest breath of Axel’s name, even the whisper of a thought seemed enough to blow Roxas over, but he felt steady and stronger by the day when he didn’t let his mind wander to his past and what he had lost.

His focus shifted to that of a fresh start. And then he walked in from having had a driving lesson with Sora, on a Saturday afternoon, to find his lamp shining a bright green color.

Roxas stared at it for a while with his back pressed to the door and a hand gripping the knob, in case he needed to flee. The sight of the light put him completely at odds with himself. His heart raced, his palms were sweaty. Excitement and fear all mingled into one giant ball of tension. One moment, huge relief washed through him, and the next, a burning hope that it was just Cheshire playing with the lamp – for she had done so in the past – overcame him. Though usually it was easy to tell as the light would flicker on and off as she batted at it. But this light shone steady and burned into Roxas’ retinas.

He didn’t know what to do. Was this a good sign? Was he supposed to act on it? In what way? Roxas willed himself to push off the door – only successful after attempt number five – and he walked towards his desk where the lamp stood. He touched the cool metal base and the light went off, leaving him bathed in the warm glow of the afternoon sun streaming through his window. He wandered over to his bed, needing to get distance between himself and the lamp, but a loud buzzing in his pants spooked him into screaming a tiny bit. He fished around his pocket and as he saw at Axel’s name lighting up the dark of his phone’s screen, the tremble in his core spread to his limbs.

Roxas collapsed on his bed with a soft ‘oof’ and stared at his phone as an unknown wave of nausea washed through him. What if he didn’t answer? Would Axel leave a message? Would he try calling again? What did he want to say to Roxas? Was he going to apologize? Was he going to yell at him some more? Was he going to tell him that Cheshire had died?

That thought made Roxas gasp. He sat bolt-upright and answered the call immediately. “Is everything all right? Is Cheshire okay?” he said, panic stretching his voice thin.

Axel’s soft laugh rang through the line. _“Yeah, she’s fine.”_

Those words, in combination with that voice, served as a welcome salve for the abrasion that the breakup had left him with. Roxas exhaled with relief but then the realization that he had Axel on the line made him want to scream and throw his phone away. There was nothing said between either of them for a while though.

Axel cleared his throat. _“Hi.”_

“H-hey.”

_“Thanks for answering my call.”_

Roxas hummed in acknowledgement, too tense to say anything.

A heavy sigh sounded through the line. _“Guess I deserve this. I’m calling to apologize. I went overboard. I said really insensitive things I shouldn’t have said. I was very heartless and dumb. I was angry and I know that’s not an excuse but it’s what happened, and I feel terrible for it, and for hurting you.”_

Roxas, with one arm around drawn-up knees, rocked himself gently, and chewed on his bottom lip, heart in his throat. “You’re sorry?”

_“Really sorry. I’m also sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I… needed some space to think about stuff.”_

Those words wrapped around his heart like barbed-wire covered in honey. “Thank you, Axel. I’ve been… feeling pretty shit these last two weeks.”

 _“I’m so sorry, babe,”_ Axel winced audibly.

Roxas’ face scrunched up with pain and relief. “I’m sorry too. I said things I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry.”

_“Thanks.”_

More silence reigned between them. Roxas’ heart hurt.

_“So… can we talk? I’ve missed you a lot.”_

Roxas swallowed the lump in his throat. He actually felt sick by how torn in half he felt between what he needed and wanted. He clamped down harder around himself and rocked a little faster, feeling weird and anxious. It took a while for Roxas to realize that Axel was waiting on him to respond. He stopped his motion and felt the weight of uncertainty come crashing down on himself in a scarily familiar way. “What do you want from me? I can’t—please don’t play games with me. I just can’t anymore.”

 _”I’m not playing. I’m really sorry. I just—I messed up. I got angry and dealt with it in a completely wrong way. I realize I don’t like how you’ve been treating me lately.”_ Axel’s words came out slowly and in a very measured way. _“I feel like I give you so much but when I want something – like to spend time with you, I don’t get it – or it feels like you’re resenting me for it.”_

“I don’t resent you!” Roxas hastily interjected.

_“Thank you for saying that. But it still feels like that for me, so we gotta figure something out to make this good for the both of us, y’know?”_

“Yeah,” Roxas muttered, feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

Axel sighed when Roxas didn’t add anything further. _“I guess I’ll keep talking then. So… I don’t like this distance between us. I don’t like you saying you need more space when space is what I’ve been giving you. I don’t know how much more I can give you, so I start overthinking and I start feeling like you mean something else when you say you need space. And… truthfully… I don’t want more space between us. I miss you. I want to see you, and hold you, and kiss you, Roxas. I don’t think I’m cut out for long-distance.”_

Roxas shifted on his bed. It felt like worms were squirming around in his gut.

 _“Roxas,”_ Axel sounded exasperated, _“Can you ‘please’ talk to me? I don’t want to be having a one-sided conversation with you. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about things. I’m ‘begging you.’ ‘Please,’ say something.”_

Something bubbled up in Roxas. “I’m trying to talk to you and open up to you. But when I do, you… you don’t believe me. You don’t trust me… and that hurts me, Ax. That fucking _hurts.”_ Roxas chewed on his lip furiously.

_“I’m sorry, babe.”_

Roxas felt so exhausted and rubbed raw from accepting all the empty apologies in the past. It had never meant anything with Vanitas. The thought that it might also mean nothing with Axel made a heavy, thick, grossed-out feeling clog up the back of his throat. “Save it. You never believed me before, so I don’t know why I ever expected anything different.”

_“Whaddya mean, ‘I never believed you before?’”_

Roxas huffed. Things he would never have thought himself to feel towards Axel – resentment for one – started surfacing. “I told you I was uncomfortable with you buying me things, but you still bought me things anyway.”

_“We ‘spoke’ about this. I bought you things because that, to me, was the only thing I could do for you, and I want nothing but the best for you. I wanted you to feel better.”_

“No. You did that stuff to make _yourself_ feel better. You didn’t respect my wishes. You kept questioning what my reasons were for wanting to have sex with you.”

_“Can you really blame me for that? I wanted to make sure you didn’t feel obligated – that you did things you wanted with me because you want me.”_

Roxas huffed again. “No, I don’t blame you, but I need you to believe me. Believe _in me_ , because if you don’t then you are no better than—” Roxas shut his mouth. The tears sat right behind his eyes.

 _“Are you seriously comparing me to—”_ Axel’s voice faded; he also seemed to be unable to say it. 

“No. I’m just saying I need you to trust me… believe me.”

_“Roxas… I do. I’ve always believed in you.”_

“Thank you.” Roxas appreciated that. “But you still don’t trust me.”

Axel took a deep breath. _“I just don’t feel like you’ve been honest with me. I want you to talk to me. I’ve always wanted you to feel you can trust me with the things that bother you, but whatever’s been going on lately… you don’t trust me and that makes me feel like I can’t trust you either.”_ Axel sounded tired.

Roxas craned his neck, looking up at the ceiling in desperation, wishing he could escape somehow. “I… God, Axel, I don’t like who I am. I don’t like how awful you breaking up with me made me feel. I don’t like what it made me realize about myself.”

_“What did you realize?”_

“I…” Roxas sighed, “feel trapped. Trapped being a part of other people’s lives—never living my own.”

 _“Trapped?”_ Axel breathed out. _“You… feel trapped with ‘me?’”_

“No. Well, _maybe?_ _No_. I don’t know. Not with you. I don’t think it’s with you. I… this is why I don’t want to tell you things. It’s only going to hurt you because _I_ don’t even know the answers. I don’t want you to think the worst. I just—how I am… is wrong. Old feelings come up… old ways of being… I can’t help it. I can’t stop it, and it makes you upset, and that makes _me_ upset. The way I am has nothing to do with you. I’m sure it’s not. It’s everything to do with me.”

Quiet filled the space between them and then, _“Let me help you. I want to help you, Rox. And not… not because of what happened with… Xion. I want to help you because I care about ‘you.’ I want us to be together. Things feel right with you. Things feel like… like… destiny or some shit like that. We can work through this together.”_

The dull throb of Roxas’ heart pulsed in his chest, uncomfortably so. He felt agitated and… cornered. “After all the crap I’ve put you through, you still want to try and make it work with me?”

_“Yeah.”_

Roxas’ world suddenly spun a little. He heard Vanitas’ cruel laugh reverberate around his head and a disgusted shiver and dread ran down his spine. Breathing became hard and he felt way too hot all over. Why was Axel so good to him? Why was he willing to stick around? Why couldn’t he just hate Roxas?

His vision speckled as he sucked air into his lungs. Roxas shook his head and his body trembled as he tried to squeeze the panic back down. Memories of good and bad times with Vanitas and with Axel all mingling and merging together, becoming indistinguishable from one another.

His heart raced too much, and he felt hot all over. “No,” he croaked.

 _“No? Whaddya mean, no?”_ Axel asked, cautious and quiet.

Roxas cleared his throat, he breathed deep, he willed himself to feel the rage inside himself to propel him forward into the life that he _needed_ to live. “We’re not destined to be together. We’re not soulmates. We don’t belong together. We don’t. And you know why?” His eyes had squeezed shut but he opened them now and glared at his carpeted floor. “Because that kind of thinking leads to where Vanitas and I ended up at. It ends with you hating me, and me feeling stuck with you. I don’t want that. I don’t want that ever again. I can’t… I can’t go through that ever again,” he half-wheezed.

 _“Why’re you lumping me in with that shitkicker?”_ Axel said, a tense edge to his voice.

“I’m not,” Roxas whined, feeling weak.

_“You are! How can you think that we’d ever end up hating each other?”_

Roxas’ train of thought completely derailed and his energy fizzled. He hadn’t said anything like that… had he? “You’re angry.”

 _“Yes, of course I’m fucking angry! I’m trying to make it work between us and you come out with shit like this?”_ Axel huffed which made the line crackle. _“But don’t confuse my anger with hating you.”_ Already, Axel’s voice shifted to a far softer and collected tone. _“I don’t hate you. I’ll never hate you.”_

Those words tore at Roxas. Loving touches and stinging pain all melded together. His fingers hurt and Roxas bent forward, curling over his legs. “You can’t know that. You can’t bank on destiny. Vanitas was perfectly fine until I ruined his life.”

 _“Roxas!”_ Axel barked. _“Stop taking the blame for that abusive, manipulative dung beetle being a dick, and stop lumping me in with that weasel.”_

“I’m sorry,” he moused in response to the heat in Axel’s words. A distinct feeling of having overstepped overcame him. Panic and fear made his limbs feel restless and he bounced the flats of his feet against the mattress to alleviate himself of nervous energy.

Silence descended on them once more while Roxas became lost in his thoughts. His years with Vanitas flashed through his mind. The constant arguing, the good feelings being supplanted by the bad. Vanitas pushing everything on him and Roxas not having the fortitude to push back. It all felt so hopeless… so inevitable and eternal.

Axel was different though. He was. It was an important distinction to make. Roxas’ eyes focused on the lamp – on the torn up photograph – on the penguin next to it – missing its partner—Roxas felt bad for it. Bad for separating it from its family, but he had needed to get away – get some distance because the pressure had been lung-crushing. Pressure to perform, to act the part he thought he wanted but now wasn’t so sure about anymore. Time apart had meant more clarity – though also more confusion. Being with Axel wasn’t going to help. There were things wrong with Roxas that Axel couldn’t fix. There were things that being with Axel would make worse.

Thoughts were disrupted by Axel’s voice crackling through the earpiece, _“Why don’t you trust me? What have I ever done for you to not believe that how I feel and think about you is really how it is?”_ Axel sounded calmer, but a hardness still resided in his tone of voice.

Roxas wanted to placate the situation because that’s what he had always tried to do in the past… but the familiar feeling being brought up for him was intense, terrifying, and something he was sick to death of knowing. Rage ignited. “How _dare you_ talk to me about trust. _You_ broke up with _me_ because _you_ didn’t trust _me_ , remember? And now you’re playing the wounded animal? You accused me of cheating on you. Remember? _Cheating_ on you, Ax! You know how fucked up that is? I love you so much, with all my heart. You’ve been so good to me and I could never thank you enough for helping me have the courage to finally leave Vanitas. But you don’t trust me. You think I could ever treat you badly? And here I am like an idiot still trusting you, still trying to keep the peace when you are pulling Vanitas-level shit on me right now. How dare you turn this back on yourself! How dare you play the wounded animal!”

A loud _thud_ sounded through the phone and Axel gave a restrained grunt. A sharp exhale made the phone line buzz. _“I don’t want to argue with you. I called because I wanted to make things better between us. I already apologized for the crap I said last time. I’ll apologize again. I was upset. I didn’t really mean any of it and it should never have happened. I know I’m not innocent in all of this, Roxas. So please, let’s not do this again. I just wanna make up with you.”_

“Don’t brush this under the carpet.” Roxas’ body shook. He could feel himself perspiring profusely.

_“What do you want me to do then?”_

He breathed out, “I don’t know.” This was so hard.

Static popped and cracked in the quiet of the line.

_“Fuck, Roxas, what are we doing right now? I called to apologize to you. I didn’t want to start another round of this.”_

“I don’t know,” he said softly and chewed on his bottom lip.

_“I think you do know. I need you to tell me. I need to hear it from you. Because all I’m thinking is that you want things to be over between us. And if that’s the case, man up and tell me, instead of pushing me away.”_

Roxas’ face contorted, and he only just managed to contain the pained whine. “I don’t…. But… if I stay with you, nothing will change, and I’ll always be how Vanitas made me. I don’t… I don’t want to stay the same, Ax. I wanna change, but I can’t if I stay with you – if I keep feeling the way I do – if I keep doing the same things I’ve always done. I… love you, but I just can’t be with you right now. It’s better if I’m not with you. For the both of us.”

Axel’s breath buzzed through the line for several harsh exhales. _“I don’t like you deciding what’s best for me.”_

“Sorry,” Roxas mumbled. The tears streamed, his lips quivered. “I need to be alone. I don’t _want_ it, but I _need_ it. Please. I just – I can’t do this again – not after Vanitas. I can’t be who you want me to be.” His body trembled and he barely kept the sobs in check. He wished he could articulate himself better to Axel – explain everything that was inside but – there was a wall. One he couldn’t budge or get through, and it hurt and made him angry at Vanitas, but most of all at himself.

_”So, it’s over.”_

“I’m sorry,” he squeaked, his free hand clenched in a tight fist and pressed against the mattress to try and contain himself. “I know you don’t deserve this. I want to be better for you and me but… to do that I have to—I can’t be with you right now. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

 _“All right,”_ Axel got out barely above a whisper.

The phone went dead, taking with it their relationship. Not in a torrential scream, but in a faded whimper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs from the playlist-  
> [Take This Lonely Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_UzKgQrRPI) by Nothing But Thieves  
> [Let Me Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3NsCITgUmY) by Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso
> 
> I _swear_ to you that _this_ right here, is one of the very lowest points in this story. I can't promise that things won't get sad again, but there are far fewer moments like this coming up ahead, and definitely, nothing back to back like chapter 23/24. 
> 
> On the bright side... KH3 will be released in EIGHT DAYS! Holy shit!
> 
> As such... I might slow down on chapter uploads for a _little_ bit, mostly because I'm working on some major re-writes right now.


	25. One Drunken Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his breakup, Roxas just needed a night of fun and drinks; what he got was more than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kingdom Hearts 3 is almost here, because I'm not lucky enough to be one of the seemingly millions of people to have gotten their copy early. Good thing too, because this chapter needed all of my attention.
> 
> My beta, [Kunoichi21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunoichi21) has had misfortune hit her and won't be able to beta for me for a while (plus KH3 keeping her busy), but good mate [Sujurean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sujurean) has picked up the task, and at a very arduous part of the story too. Bless you!
> 
> Explicit content warning below. Side-ship warning.
> 
> Also extremely long chapter warning below. It's 25k long. This might require some set-aside time to read 😅

Roxas sat in his room for a long while. Tears dried up and sore eyes shifted to the pewter penguin sitting next to the touch lamp on his desk. He felt weirdly hollow looking at it. Did the promise still stand? That question wasn’t even directed at Axel. He felt empty and numb thinking about what had happened. Axel's words, his accusations, and tone of voice kept playing through his head. He couldn’t recall what his own words had been or if they had warranted such a response from Axel, but the feelings haunted him. The disgustingly familiar feeling of being manipulated, and of having to diminish himself for someone else, sat in his chest and crawled along his skin.

But why Axel? Not Axel. Axel was better than that. Roxas believed in Axel – he _had_ believed in him.

He felt down and exceptionally uncomfortable as he spent his evening with his head buried under the blanket, occasionally glancing at his phone. The message Hayner sent, asking if Roxas wanted to hang out, made him feel a creeping nervous anxiety flush through him. He declined and engaged in a night full of restless slumber.

Sunday crept along and was nearly completely wasted away by the time Roxas first caught sight of himself, while in the process of finding something to put in his mouth. His eye caught on his reflection in the shiny silver handle of the refrigerator door. His hair resembled a bird’s nest, his eyes puffy, and his complexion splotchy. He truly detested what and who he saw. It served as a reminder of the black hole he had fallen into over two weeks ago when Axel had dumped him. He was so sick of it and himself.

He wasn't going to fall down again. With that promise burning in his mind, he made himself presentable and called around to see if any of his friends were happy to hang out. No one was, except for Hayner, who he got in touch with last, via a text message. He hated the insidious nature of that one little suggestion which Axel had made. Roxas loved his friends. He loved Hayner. How _dare_ someone make him doubt himself and his relationships. 

They made plans to meet in the city. Roxas was determined to have a good night out and not let the past bother him.

Roxas drove his mom's car to the city. It felt daunting to be stuck in a confined space with her like this because he had avoided her since yesterday. But as he drove, concentrating on the road and making sure he used the turn signals, he felt relieved over not being bombarded by her questions. She gave him looks though. She clearly knew something _had_ happened.

He couldn't get out of her acknowledging his mood. As he parked the car and readied himself to leave, she stopped him with a gentle, “You're okay, aren't you, sweety?”

With a resigned sigh, he slumped back in the car seat. “Yeah.”

She gave him _the_ _look_.

His lips pursed with mild annoyance over not being able to get out of speaking about his most recent wound with her. “Axel called to apologize, but I decided that it's better if I don't date him right now. I've been a bit sad about it, but I don't want to go through what I went through the last two weeks, so I'm going out and trying to live my life.” He tacked on a smile, but it felt a bit fragile to him, despite his best intentions.

She stayed quiet for a moment, thinking, and then softly said, “Good for you, honey. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.”

Roxas hummed.

“Have you decided what you might do after you go visit your dad’s family?”

Roxas kept the groan inside. “Like study ‘n’ stuff?”

She nodded.

“No. Not yet.”

“Maybe you should. It could help to focus on yourself instead of other people.”

“I’ll think about my future, I promise. But right now I have business in Pensacola that needs to be sorted out.” Sometimes, he thought it would be easier to tell her about the court stuff. Only _sometimes_. “As soon as I’ve decided on something I’ll let you know.”

“Okay. I just want to see you happy.”

He gave her another smile. This one felt better. “I know, mom. I'll be back late tonight. Hayner will drop me off.”

With that, he got a hug, handed over the car keys, and left to meet Hayner by a fountain in the strip. He definitely felt paranoid and nervous as he approached his friend, who stood at the rendezvous spot already waiting for him. Axel was deluded. Hayner was about as straight as people came, and they had known each other for so long now that Roxas would _surely_ have picked up on him being liked by his best friend, if there were any feelings going around. He didn’t want an outsiders opinion messing with his friendships. He had never let Vanitas poison him against his friends, and he sure as fuck wasn’t going to let Axel do it to him either. So he pushed the thought aside and decided to focus on having a nice evening out – away from all the crap that had been weighing on him for too long.

“I didn't know you ever went shopping,” he teased as he approached. “You got a hot date with a lady after you're done hanging out with me?” Roxas asked Hayner, who was dressed unusually nice. 

He wore a plain red-tencel, long-sleeved t-shirt, in a satin weave. Form-fitting dark-wash jeans hugged his thighs, and maybe even some hair product smoothed his fly-aways down. It felt strange to see Hayner out of his short-sleeved t-shirt and baggy-shorts combo.

“No. No hot date with a lady. I, ah – just thought it was time for a wardrobe update.” Hayner tugged at the hem of his shirt.

“Well, as your gay friend who knows something about clothes, you look really good.” Roxas had a thing for satin so he ran his hand down one of Hayner's arms. The fabric, though rough, still felt really delightful to the touch and made him smile.

“Thanks. You look really good too – for, you know – just going out with someone like me.” Hayner looked Roxas up and down.

The gaze and something in Hayner's voice made Roxas uncomfortable. He wasn’t dressed in anything spectacular – black skinny jeans, a white button-down dress-shirt with rolled up sleeves, black leather jacket sporting a few chains and matching black leather high-tops. He stopped touching his friend, growing very self-conscious all of a sudden. “Whaddya mean, ‘ _someone like me_.’ You're my bestie, why wouldn't I put effort into hanging out with you?”

“Well, for one, something's happened and you've been ignoring me for over two weeks.”

“Ah. Yeah okay, well played,” Roxas admitted, chastened.

“So what happened?”

There was the heavy question. Roxas involuntarily sighed. A part of himself couldn’t believe he had broken up with Axel. “Maybe—I’ll tell you later. After we’ve had some fun and gotten wasted.”

Hayner’s hands went to his hips and his head tilted to the side while he cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, it’s gonna be one of _those_ nights, huh?”

“Yup.” Roxas gave a cheesy grin, which elicited a big laugh out of Hayner.

“Since when are you an alcoholic? You never even drank anything back in high school, let along got wasted.”

“Oh, I’ve grown up since then.” Roxas grinned broadly.

“Sure have,” Hayner said quietly and then coughed, looking away. “Where to first then?”

“Ah…” Roxas tried to breathe out the discomfort and looked around himself, “we should probably ease into it. Some food first. Maybe we can go play some pool so I can beat your ass and—”

“Woah, woah.” Hayner’s hand landed on Roxas’ shoulder, squeezing him. “Who's getting way too cocky and counting his chickens, huh? I'll have you know I'm the reigning champion at Dutchess Hall now.” He glared, with a glint of competitive enthusiasm sparkling in his eye.

“Oh cool, they still have the competitions going there?”

“Yeah. Sure do.”

“Cool. Let’s go there so I can overthrow you. I'm a pool master you know.” Roxas grinned and started walking in the direction he vaguely remembered the pool hall to be in.

“Who's crowned you king?”

“Not a king, a _master._ And it was A—” His good cheer plummeted. “Well, no matter. Let’s just play some. They still have those amazing chicken wings?”

“Sure do. C’mon, you’re going the wrong way.” Hayner grabbed Roxas’ wrist and pulled him back and to the left, leading the way down a narrow street.

* * *

 

The pool hall had received a makeover since Roxas had last been there. Hayner proudly showed off his name on the competition leaderboard and then they challenged each other to a game. They jeered at each other, trying to psych each other out. Roxas couldn't help but draw parallels to his time doing this with Axel, which really sucked. The current activity felt hollow and vapid in comparison. Roxas lost his concentration and maybe in part-truth, he also lost on purpose, just so he wouldn't be forced to keep thinking about the past.

They ate food at the adjoining bistro; an assortment of greasy, fried delights, and decadent desserts finished off that portion of the evening.

“I think I’m ready to go dancing and drinking now. You?” Roxas proposed, slipping his wallet back into the back pocket of his jeans as they left the establishment and headed out into the warm, humid night air.

“Yeah. Need to work off that triple cheeseburger.” Hayner patted his stomach and they both grinned at each other, while standing away from the door of the bistro, as not to impede foot traffic.

“Awesome. You got any preference? Bar? Club? Straight? Gay?” Roxas ventured, curious to see what Hayner might pick.

“Nah. I’ll leave it to you. You ‘n’ Sora seem to know all the good dance clubs.”

“So gay club it is then?”

“Yeah, I guess. Your kind seems to know what’s best when it comes to having a good time,” Hayner gave a raucous laugh.

“Woah, Hay,” Roxas chuckled, catching the infectious amusement from his friend.

“What?” Hayner grinned back, a cheeky lilt in his voice.

Roxas shook his head. “I guess we just know how to live. You gonna be okay if we go?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Roxas shrugged. “It’ll just be you and me. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable if you have to take a break or something.”

“You calling me old?”

“Maybe a little bit.” Roxas sniggered behind his hand.

“Well, I’m insulted. I can keep up with you. Just you watch.” Hayner’s arm slung around Roxas’ shoulders.

“But what if, hypothetically, you can’t.” 

“Then I’ll sit out. Maybe some more guys will buy me drinks like last time.” Hayner gave a brash laugh.

Roxas relaxed a little. “Well, okay. But if you wanna leave or something happens and it bothers you, you come find me, okay?”

“Sure.” Hayner gave Roxas a soft smile.

Roxas ducked out of Hayner's hold and quickly turned away, headed towards their next destination.

They arrived at Club Cobalt where they got two shots each of something saccharin and something bitter and then headed to the dance floor where the pulse was electric. Roxas danced his cares away. He didn't mind all the jostling about by the other revelers, but he couldn’t help the painful awareness of Hayner's presence next to him. Axel’s words echoed in his head. An errant hand brushed his backside. Roxas freaked out a little, pulling away from the touch. He couldn’t tell who had initiated the touch due to everyone being so tightly packed on the dance floor. It happened again mere moments later, causing Roxas much stress. He took Hayner’s wrist and walked them off the dancefloor.

“Hey, I was just getting into the groove,” Hayner yelled to be heard over the noise.

“Yeah, yeah. I don't like the music here,” Roxas shouted back.

“Let’s go somewhere else then. But, c’mon, drinks before we leave.” Hayner dragged Roxas toward the bar. Roxas still felt uncomfortable and Axel’s words niggled at him. He hated the seeds of doubt which had been sown in his mind. A part of him wanted to forget, but another part also decided that he couldn't let completely loose and relax… just in case. 

They had two shots each before venturing out into the muggy night air, and Roxas vowed that he wouldn’t let himself get drunk.

“Having a good time?” Roxas checked in with Hayner as they ambled down the sidewalk, which was filled with people all dressed for a night out.

“Yeah. It's great hanging out again. I've missed you while you had your MIA thing going on.”

“Sorry.” Blatantly wanting to avoid talking about it he pulled Hayner into whatever club they currently walked past. More shots were had, more moves were broken out into on the dance floor. They laughed and goofed around. The alcohol helped Roxas loosen up. It dulled the nagging thoughts. He hated thinking bad things about his friends, so he stopped. He just stopped and enjoyed himself… though in the back of his mind… well, he held on a little bit to his sensibilities.

Somewhere around eight o’clock they found themselves sitting in a booth at a bar, half-drunk beer before Hayner and only the icy dregs of Roxas’ cocktail left in his glass, which he stirred with the straw.

Old memory lanes were traversed, making Roxas nostalgic.

“Oh, you remember how Mrs. Torell used to put on that lame movie at the end of the school year?” Roxas asked, the half-forgotten memory already building the laugh inside himself.

“Oh yeah! So cringe-worthy. I think I’m scarred for life. That dialogue! Lobella! Lobella! Where is ya fella!”

Both of them burst out laughing.

“Ah man, I've really missed having you around,” Hayner chuckled and took another swig of his beer. A perpetual smile adorned his tinged-red-from-alcohol face. 

Roxas also felt the effects of the alcohol. His cheeks burned and everything felt warm and fuzzy inside. The laughter kept coming and showed no sign of abating. Roxas definitely didn’t want it to stop. He was having such a nice time. “I've really missed being around.” Roxas meant it. He had forgotten how comforting and supportive his friends were. He had forgotten that about people in general, truthfully. It stretched his smile broader.

“Would you ever move back here?” Hayner asked.

Roxas looked up from his empty glass and swayed slightly from the motion. “I dunno. Maybe? Haven't thought about it actually. All I know is I'm gonna go to Forrester next week and then back to Pensacola after a few weeks there.”

Hayner gave him a surprised stare. “Shit,” he half-shouted, “that's crept up real fast.”

“Kinda, yeah. Wish I had gotten more stuff done. Wish I didn't have that… wasted week and a bit,” he said quietly, his mood sobering and smile dying.

“What happened. Tell me.” Hayner bumped his shoulder against Roxas.

Roxas sighed heavily. “Axel—” Pain welled up inside, but he swallowed it down, “broke up with me over some real dumb shit.”

Hayner reeled back a little. “What? _Really?_ He did? God! I hoped but—”

“Hoped?” Roxas’ heart gave a jolt.

Hayner hastily sat up straight. “Oh no, like, that’s really rough on you, y’know? But it woulda been worse if it’a been something more serious or something, right?”

“C’mon, man. It _was_ serious. I’m a fucking mess and… I still kinda can't believe I broke up with him.”

“Woah, woah, woah! What?” Hayner waved his hand about, knocking his beer glass, which made him grab at it to stop it from tipping over completely. “You jus’ said he broke up with you. Did ya both do it?”

“No. He broke up with me two weeks ago, but then he called yesterday to apologize and make up, but I told him I wanted to end it. For real.”

Hayner’s eyes comically widened. “Woah, why?”

Roxas wound his arms around himself. “I'm jus’ so sick of being other people's choice. What about _my_ choice? He can't jus’ dump me and then expect me to take ‘im back. I was jus’ gettin’ used to the idea of being _alone_. I was gettin’ stuff _done_. I was feelin’ good ‘n’ then—I'm so done with being other people's—so _done_ with taking everyone back.” Heat prickled his face. Energy coursed through his veins. His arms fell away and he went back to stirring his drink. “No. No more. It's time for Roxas to take and have fun. _No more_ giving. _No more_ _for_ giving. You burn me, I'm done with you, you fucking hear that _Vanitas!_ I'm so _done_ with _you_ ,” he shouted at no one and nothing before a happy and light laugh bubbled out of him. Maybe the alcohol was affecting him a little bit.

Hayner laughed and slapped Roxas on the back. “Good on ya! About time, man. So you wanna make out?”

Roxas’ laugh died in his chest and he stared, leaning back from Hayner a little. “What?”

“You know, make out, to celebrate your new found freedom. Have some fun. Let loose.” Hayner wore a massive grin and his cheeks were rosier than before.

“Ah—” Roxas looked around. That hadn't even occurred to him. “I… I kinda just want to be left alone. I didn’t even think about being with anyone else. I… I dun deserve anyone.”

“Shh, shh, shh,” Hayner's finger landed on Roxas’ lips. “Lemme stop ya right there. For one, y’do. Ya deserve to be happy.”

Roxas chuckled sadly and pulled Hayner's hand away from his face and lips. “Thanks, but you’re my BFF. You’re supposed to say that no matter what.”

“Sure, maybe, but I actually mean it too, ‘cause secondly you’re great. You’re fun, caring, an’ you stick it through with assholes who don’t deserve ya. If you were with someone who made ya happy things—everything would be different.”

“See, I don’t think that’s true. Axel made me happy, and I still fucked things up, so the problem is me. I know that and I’m…” Roxas sniffled, wrinkling his nose to get rid of the weird itch that sat there, “well, I’m fine with it. I’m gonna change. Somehow, somewhere.”

Hayner frowned and pouted lightly. “Well, he couldn’t have been that great or you wouldn't have dumped him.”

“No, I… I just… I need to be left alone. Like you said, I’ve been with Vani for so long I should give myself some time to just… be myself… figure myself out, because I’ve been terrible to Axel—”

“Is that what he’s been making you think?” Hayner turned redder, and he wore an angry scowl.

“No. Don’t get pissed. Axel… he’s been the best thing ever. Well, other than when… he broke up with me.” Roxas didn’t have the nerve to tell Hayner about Axel’s crude assumptions. “Look, I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I broke up with him. I came out here with you to try and just… not… not think about it. I jus’ wanna get more drink in me and dance ‘n’ have fun with ma bestie, ‘cause we won’t be seeing each other for a bit after next week.”

Hayner huffed and grumbled. “Yeah, okay, but why can’t you just stay?”

“I have things I need to do. I don’t wanna get into it but I’ll be back a lot more often. For Christmas and birthdays ‘n’ things, y’know.”

“Promise?” Hayner dished out a biting glare.

“Promise.”

The hardness vanished. A dopey, drunken grin appeared on Hayner’s face. “Awesome. So then let’s go make the most of tonight. Just you ‘n’ me. You’ve been under crummy relationship blankets too long. Time to get out and live a little.”

“You think living a little is me making out with people?” Roxas tittered, popping one of the still-remaining ice cubes from his glass into his mouth.

“Yeah.”

Roxas shook his head but couldn’t keep the amused grin off his face. 

“What? ‘S just making out. No commitment. Just fun. Easy game.”

“I’ve been… well, I’ve never even thought of the game. How would I even—where would I even start?”

“You jus’ say, ‘hey, let's make out’, easy.” Hayner’s cheeks were bright red from alcohol and good cheer, and his eyes were half-lidded.

The fuzziness didn’t leave Roxas. Hayner’s suggestion actually sounded like a good idea. “You know, maybe I _will_ let off some steam. It's only making out anyway, right? No harm done.”

Hayner nodded eagerly.

Roxas grinned and he giggled to himself. “No one to upset ‘cause there's no one in my life anymore to control me.” He beamed at Hayner who breathed on him. Roxas stood up with excited energy, making the glassware on the table clink a little. He hadn't made out with someone just for fun since that one and only time at his school's graduation party.

“All right! Let's go dancing, Hay!” 

When there was no response he looked back and down to see his friend face-planting into the booths cushioned seating pad. “Maybe ease up on the drinks, buddy.” Roxas laughed raucously and pulled Hayner up, walking them both out into the grotesquely damp and stifling night air.

* * *

 

They were in a loud, thumping nightclub. Bodies writhed on the densely packed dance floor, and the bar area bustled too. With Roxas’ awareness of his new found freedom, he felt drawn to Hayner, for security, because he found the idea of making out with a stranger intimidating. 

As Roxas danced, he relaxed into himself and the idea that no harm could come from checking out other guys. As he looked around himself he didn't see anyone he wanted to make out with. He wasn't that type of person, after all. But maybe that needed to change, just for tonight anyway. He wanted a tiny bit of carefree fun. But he saw no one to be even vaguely interested in. Hayner pulled him to the side after some time.

“What's going on? You look like you lost your keys,” Hayner shouted over the music.

“I'm trying to see if there's anyone I might want to make out with.”

“Oh?” Hayner straightened up a little. “No one's catching your eye?”

Roxas shook his head. “Look, this is such a dumb and drunken idea. I should just forget about it.”

“No, no. C’mere.” Hayner pulled Roxas clear off the dancefloor and pushed him against a wall, hands on both of his shoulders, and he leaned in a little. “Just take your time and look around. You're not here for a full-blown commitment ceremony so it doesn't even have to matter. Just someone you like the look of and can feel comfortable with.” Hayner gave Roxas a big smile. The dopey grin made Roxas giggle.

He stared past Hayner, into the sea of bouncing bodies. His mind flickered to the past – being at Organization 13 and whilst happily spinning around locking eyes onto Axel. Roxas swallowed down the lump and cleared his head. Now wasn't the time for that. He was out here to have fun.

“See anyone you like?” Hayner tilted his head, filling Roxas’ vision and smiled lazily.

Roxas shook his head.

Hayner sighed and slumped a bit. “What's your type?”

“I—” That questioned stumped him. “I dunno.” He thought back on all the guys he had ever found attractive but had never done anything about. “Funny, nice. Likes the same things I like?”

“We're not talking personality. Be vain. What turns you on? What makes you want to suck someone's face off?”

Roxas gave a hesitant chuckle. “Uh, kinda tall maybe? Long, dark hair?” That was definitely a trait he remembered being drawn to and now that he said it out loud he could spot some men fitting that vague description.

“Really? Just dark hair?”

“I guess so? I also like blue eyes. And a nice smile and laugh,” he said with more confidence.

“Dunno if you're gonna get too much of that last part. Maybe you’re right and this was a dumb idea. Wanna go back over to the bar? Slam down more drinks?”

That option felt safer. “Yeah.”

They went to the bar, Hayner leaning heavily against it and ordering two glasses and a chaser. They downed the drinks, not caring too much for savoring the taste. Roxas briefly wondered if Axel would consider that heresy and then excused himself, stumbling to the washroom to relieve himself and splash his face, because the sweat and humidity made him feel grubby.

He stared at himself for a while, rearranging his bangs this way and that. He splashed water on himself and groaned, rubbing his damp face. The music from the club muffled through the walls but was dampened enough by the bathroom tiles for Roxas to hear himself think. Maybe he had drunk a little more than he had intended, but what did it even matter? He grew tired of thinking. So why couldn't he turn off his head?

The buzz from the alcohol definitely made him warm all over. If he were in a happier mood he would have a happier buzz but instead, the alcohol seemed to amplify the sadness. He didn't want to be here, not really. Not without Axel. Roxas hated that about himself.

Did he really want to make out with anyone? He had never had a senseless fling with someone. He had never kissed and forgotten. Even that guy at graduation… Roxas still remembered his name, Erol Hills. Lived up at Parks and Roxas had seen him around a few times before the night they had kissed. Was a night of fun and forgetful frivolity really necessary? Would it fix anything or would it make him feel worse in the morning? Was he on the way to a hangover? Would he regret it later? Would it be enough to lessen the regret over having broken up with Axel? Axel, the one and only good thing in his life? The one he clicked with and felt at home with and who had put up with so much of his crap? Could anything ever replace that? Could anything feel worse than not having that?

A sharp ache welled up inside. Axel had dumped him. Axel had accused him of stuff. It had hurt. Why was Axel allowed to treat Roxas like that? He deserved a lesson. A lesson which showed Axel that Roxas wasn’t a pushover. Forgiving, yes, but not a pushover.

Music increased as the washroom door opened and shut. A few men walked in, heading to the urinals. Roxas fixed his stare on his reflection and passed one more wet hand over his brows and swept it up through his hair. He refused to be anyone's doormat. No longer would he give his all for guys who only abused him. A sob hung out at the back of his throat.

 _“Oh hey, you're that guy from the dance floor,”_ an unfamiliar voice said, sounding excited. _“I thought you left without me being able to say hello.”_

Roxas stood up straight from where he had been stooped over the wash basin. He looked up at the taller man dressed in a black mesh top and skinny jeans. He had an undercut, with a tribal sort of pattern on the shaved side. He looked kind of cool.

“Me?” He pointed at himself.

The man gave Roxas a big smile. “Yeah, you.”

Roxas blinked at him. “Uh, no. I'm still here.”

The guy moved closer to Roxas, drying his washed hands on his jeans. “Cool. I wanted to ask you to dance with me. How 'bout it?”

The smile on the man grew bigger and teeth flashed. Roxas found it to be a very nice smile and completely disarming. Roxas felt incredibly flattered so he nodded.

“I'm Luca, by the way.”

“Roxas,” he replied as he took the held out hand. Instead of a shake Roxas was grabbed and pulled back out into the hubbub and found himself smiling up at Luca while they danced together in the dark strobe-filled hall of the night club. 

Whatever he had been thinking and feeling in the washroom vanished. Hands traveled everywhere, electrifying and exciting Roxas. The beat of the music seeped into his bones and gave him the confidence to reciprocate the fondling. It didn't take too long before they danced their way towards a corner in the club where Luca pushed Roxas against a wall and locked them into a kiss. 

The first instinct was to push the other man away, but senses were dull and slow and by the time Roxas registered anything he found himself to be enjoying the lips on his and the tongue pushing intrusively into him. He opened up, especially at the sensation of the tongue piercing rubbing against the roof of his mouth. Roxas melted into the touch and pulled the lean and sinewy body closer towards himself, hooking fingers into the weave of the mesh top. Roxas felt hands running over his body, exploring, touching, and rubbing. Roxas’ body felt on fire with need and desire. He had missed being physically close to anyone.

As Roxas fingered the skin between the mesh, Luca pushed and roamed his way under Roxas’ waistband. Roxas giggled with the intrusion against his sensitive skin. The laugh broke their kiss and they smiled at each other.

While fingers still stroked under Roxas’ clothes Luca asked, “Wanna come back to my place? You’re really, _really_ cute and I wanna strip you down and suck on you.”

Roxas breathed out a shaky breath and shook his head, “No. But thanks for the dance.”

Luca’s smile faltered but a pleasant nod followed. “Thanks for not leaving before I had my chance with you.” Hands withdrew but Luca leaned in close, caught Roxas in another kiss and then pushed off the wall and left.

Roxas buzzed with the thrill of being desired. His mood definitely lifted and he giggled to himself as he sauntered back to the middle of the dance floor and did what he knew he did best. 

He danced until someone rubbed up against him and after a few meaningful looks were exchanged, and Roxas deemed the guy attractive enough, found himself locking lips with the other man.

They kept dancing and kissing but when Roxas noticed the stranger pushing him off the dance floor he stopped willingly going along with it and pushed against the broad chest covered in a clinging material that left little to the imagination. The big guy still tried to pull Roxas along so Roxas gave a firm, “No thanks,” as he slipped away.

He headed towards the bar where he found Hayner, with a few glasses before himself and wearing a dopey grin once Roxas approached.

“Ey! Look who’s back! Pineapple, I was gettin’ worried that you fell in or somethin’.”

“Hey, sorry for being so long. I—” Roxas giggled. “Some guy found me in the washroom and asked for a dance.”

“Say what?” Hayner shot up from his slumped position. “Like a lapdance?”

“No,” he snorted with laughter. “Dance like normal people. We did make out too.”

“What?” Hayner screeched and pulled Roxas close, grabbing his face and pinching his cheeks. “Why did you do that?”

“‘Cause you said I should and you’re right, it was fun.” Roxas pried hands off himself. “Then I made out with some other guy. Was great.” His eyes slipped closed for a moment and he chuckled to himself.

Hayner frowned and looked confused.

“You’ve been okay while I was gone, right?” Roxas took a seat and asked for a glass of water from the barkeeper.

“Yeah! You know that this is my six, no seven – no, no, sixths-th drink now? Who knew gay guys loved me so much?” Hayner clapped Roxas on the back and laughed.

“Oh yeah? Been getting hit on?” he grinned at his friend, relieved over Hayner having a good time.

“Loads!” Hayner beamed. “I’ve been telling 'em that I'm all right – that I'm here with someone. Wanna guess who?”

Roxas found Hayner's slurring excitement very adorable. “Who?” He tried to hold on to the giggle building in his chest.

“My boyfriend, Roxas. But _shh!_ He doesn't know it yet.” Hayner sprayed Roxas when he shh’ed. That idea made Roxas laugh and he wiped his face on Hayner's shirt. That saw Hayner wrap his arms around Roxas’ shoulders and pull him into a tight embrace.

Somewhere an uncomfortable thought nagged at him. It was getting a bit harder to think, so he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be uncomfortable about anymore. The fuzzy haze around reality seeped a little deeper into his bones, but it didn’t completely stop him from feeling like there was something he needed to remember. Hayner hugged him tighter and Roxas smiled, nuzzling into his friend's shoulder. 

Roxas returned the hug and pushed them apart after a few moments. “You’re so wasted,” he chuckled. “Let’s try and sober you up a bit, okay? No more accepting drinks from strangers.” He motioned at the barkeeper to bring more water. “Maybe we should go home once you’re less drunk.”

“Wanna get a hotel?” Hayner slumped against Roxas, leaning into him.

“We can taxi it home if you can't drive.”

“No, let’s go to a hotel. I’ll pay.”

“Don’t be dumb. We don’t need to do that. We’ll hang out until you’re back to normal,” he patted Hayner’s back and grinned. 

Hayner grumbled but his discontentment ended there. Roxas made sure Hayner drank a fair few glasses of water before sending him off to the washroom. He chuckled about his friend being wasted whilst swirling water in his glass. Tonight had been such a good night. Roxas felt relaxed and at ease, and also rather tired. He hummed along to whatever music played, tapping his toes and laughing to himself quietly, just because he felt happy.

Tired smile and heavy lids melted away a bit as warmth pressed against his side and snaked around his back. Roxas’ head lolled to the side, where he was greeted with the sight of beard and waxed handlebar mustache. 

“Hey, sweet stuff, wanna make out with a real man?” The saccharine smell did a poor job of covering the pungent scent of tobacco wafting from the dark cavernous mouth.

Roxas tensed and shifted to the right, away from the stench and uncomfortable moist heat coming off the man, though he couldn't escape the firm touch on his back. “No thanks. I'm not interested.”

“C'mon,” presumably sausage-shaped fingers squeezed Roxas’ side a little. “I’ve been watching you with that twig on the dance floor. I'm twice the man that he was. You want pecs? I got pecs. You want a big dick up your ass? I got the biggest you’ve ever seen. I’ll fill you up and give your tight ass the biggest stretch.” The man grabbed Roxas’ hand and pulled it down.

Shock and dulled senses prevented Roxas from moving quicker. His skin made sickening contact with hot, clammy, wrinkled flesh as his hand was thrust underneath fabric. The way wiry hair scratched against his wrist sent a grossed-out shiver up Roxas’ spine. He violently pulled his hand back out and nearly fell off the barstool as he made to get away from the pervert. His mind and senses were dulled by alcohol but some judgment and resolve returned to him. “I'm not interested,” he repeated as firmly as possible.

What might have been a pathetic attempt at fitting an alluring look on that monstrous face vanished and was completely swallowed up by craters and canyons thinly disguised as frown lines. “You little skank. Giving everyone the time of day but me!” He made to step toward Roxas, pushing the stool aside as he went.

 _“Hey, babe! What's going on?”_ A familiar voice hit Roxas, even through the thumping of his pulse in his ears, and the loud beat of the music against his eardrum.

Hayner came into view and pushed between Roxas and his assailant. “What're you doing?” he directed towards the stranger. Hayner only came up to the guys' shoulders and looked rather scrawny in comparison.

Roxas’ jaw clenched and a lump of cold, hard dread tightened his stomach. He grabbed onto Hayner's arm, ready to pull him away. “Hay,” he whispered.

The stranger pushed at Hayner. “Go get your own fuckboy,” came the gruff voice.

Hayner recomposed himself, stood up straight, chest puffed out a little.“Excuse you. This is my _boyfriend_ you're being rude to.”

“Boyfriend? Tsk – you know your _boyfriend_ is a cheating whore?” Dark eyes gave Roxas a fleeting glare.

A protective arm slung around Roxas’ waist. “We’re in an open relationship. He can make out with whoever he wants. Ain't that right, babe?” Hayner turned to Roxas who nodded his agreement in blind obedience. 

Hayner gave a cheery smile and turned back to the big brute. “Doesn’t look like you are someone he wants to with though, so buzz off.” He waved his hand dismissively and pushed Roxas away, starting his legs into motion.

Roxas’ adrenalin spiked through the roof. He let himself be steered towards two seats at the far end of the bar and sat down. 

“Wh-what just happened?” Roxas cautiously threw glances at the guy they had left who was still glared after them but looked to be moving off.

Hayner, with his hands on hips, beamed. “Your boyfriend just saved you from being molested.”

Boyfriend? Molested? Saved? It wasn't quite right. Roxas _had_ been molested. He needed to wash his hand. His skin crawled with the ghosting memory of that man’s junk against his hand. “T-thanks, Hay. How… how can I make it up to you?”

“Repay me?”

It felt like something that needed to be made up for. The guy had been twice the size and about a million times more intimidating than Hayner, but his friend had stepped up to the guy like a champion. Roxas’ brain ticked over. “Yeah. I… I’ll treat you—no, wait. We gotta sober up and go home.” He thought too hard and his mind buzzed too much that he missed Hayner saying something. “What?”

The music pumped, the beat dropped suddenly and Roxas heard it then, _“A kiss.”_

“A what?”

“Gimme a kiss and we're all square.”

Roxas laughed, but it sounded thin and strained even to his own ears. What was going on right now? Roxas felt like he had slipped into an alternate reality. “You're straight,” he tried, in an attempt to restore order to the universe.

“I—a hero's kiss.”

“Hero's kiss?”

“Y’know, like the fair maidens always give the hero.” He pointed at his cheek.

Somehow that made sense. Of course, Hayner had meant that. Somewhere in his brain rattled a distant conversation about Prince Charmings and rescues and peaches. This qualified for one. “Oh, okay.” He leaned in towards Hayner, whose cheeks puffed up with a smile.

The next moment lips made contact with… lips. Had Roxas missed? Had he stumbled? He went to pull away but Hayner moved in closer to Roxas, winding arms around Roxas’ waist and giving him nowhere to back off to.

For a split moment, it felt safe and warm. For a fraction of a nano-second memories of Axel flooded him and how nice he had always felt. Longing made him open his mouth. Heads tilted, tongues delved.

Hayner’s hand crept down Roxas’ back sending a confusing shiver along his body because this was Hayner, his best friend, not his lover. At that moment the contact became gross and violating.

Roxas shoved back against Hayner, who stumbled into the stool behind himself.

“Hey!” Bewildered annoyance lit Hayner's face.

Roxas stared, wide-eyed and mouth agape. He could still feel Hayner inside himself – feel his friend’s touch burning into his skin. Roxas slid off the stool and headed to wherever his feet carried him.

He found himself in the slightly quieter, cooler, though much more echoey washroom. The door barely creaked shut behind him when it flew open again, bringing with it the beating doof-doof of the dance track which currently played in the main club area. Roxas turned to find Hayner stalking after him. Panic rose. He moved towards one of the basins and turned on the water to wash his hands clean, though the previous gross mishandling of his hand was almost forgotten at this point in time.

“You okay?” Hayner questioned in a friendly, concerned, and completely appropriate way if Roxas disregarded what had happened moments earlier.

As dull as his senses were Roxas’ mind did its best to race. Hayner had kissed him? Hayner had fucking _kissed him_. What the hell! He stared at his reflection, mind blank of anything else to say but, “Yeah,” in response to the question. Why was thinking so exhausting? Hayner had protected Roxas. Hayner was drunk off his face. It meant nothing. 

Roxas caught movement in his periphery and Hayner suddenly stood right next to him, like the alcohol had eroded all concepts of personal space. The proximity was beyond uncomfortable. 

“What did you think of it?” Hayner asked, breathing hot, moist air against Roxas’ ear and the nape of his neck, causing his skin to prickle in a show of apprehension.

“Of what?” He shifted minutely, trying to get away and looked at Hayner through the mirror.

“The kiss.” 

Roxas could still feel the ghost of warm lips on his. Still felt tongue and hands and breath. He could still _taste_ and it felt perversely wrong. Hayner was his best friend for crying out loud. This should never have happened! Why had it happened? “Why did you kiss me?” he asked, outraged and confused. It had surely been Hayner who had started it. Roxas had aimed for the cheek. He hadn't meant for anywhere else.

Half-lidded eyes and a smarmy smirk sat on Hayner's face. “You kissed back.”

“So? That doesn't explain anything!” The scream in his head crept into his voice.

“What's so wrong with wanting to make out with my best friend?” Hayner went to push some hair out of Roxas’ eye.

Roxas slapped the offending hand away. “Wha— _wanting?_ Wanting is _one thing_ but… we _did!_ _You_ did. You—why did you just force yourself on me?”

“You kissed back. I know you liked it.” Hayner moved in again, looking like he aimed for another kiss.

“Hayner! Fuck! I—I can't be kissing you!” This time his voice definitely held a very high-pitched and frantic tone. Roxas took a step away from Hayner, who stepped forward.

“Why not?”

“Because—” His heart beat fiercely in his throat, “you're the reason Axel broke up with me.”

Hayner gave a dumbfounded stare. “I’m what?”

“He dumped me because he thought we were having sex.” Roxas hoped for some understanding, some sympathy but he didn't get any of that.

“So let's!” Hayner said, face lighting up.

“What?” Roxas took another, much bigger step back.

“He’s an asshole who made you feel like shit. Him dumping you is the best thing that could have happened.” Hayner walked closer. “So let's stick it to him and have sex.” His hand reached out.

Roxas blocked the motion, pushing Hayner away. “What's gotten into you? Are you _hearing_ yourself right now? You're fucking _straight,_ Hay! _Straight!_ Listen to yourself,” he argued in a fevered pitch.

A deep frown flashed onto previously mellow features and a sharpness latched onto Hayner's voice. “I know what I'm saying.”

“You clearly don't. You're drunk, completely wasted. You wouldn't say or do this shit if you were sober. Let's go home.” Roxas tried his best to appeal to Hayner's logical sense.

“Let's find a hotel. You 'n’ me.” Hayner stepped closer, forcing Roxas against the tiled wall of the glum washroom.

“No, _fuck._ Get _off_ me! You're gonna regret this in the morning!” Roxas fought with keeping Hayner's hands from wandering onto his body by grabbing Hayner’s wrists and trying to keep them pinned down at his friends' sides.

Hayner struggled against Roxas’ hold, freeing one hand and thumping his fist against the wall right next to Roxas’ head. “Fucking shut up! I’m not! I—yeah I'm a bit drunk right now but that won't make my feelings for you go away in the morning. They're still gonna be here. I'm still gonna be here for you, Rox, unlike those douchebag cunts you’ve wasted your life on.”

The intense stare Roxas received terrified him. “What're you… you're crazy!”

“I'm not. You're my best friend. I've missed you. Ever since you've come back… I… I have feelings for you.”

“F-feelings? No, you don't.”

Fist thumped again. “Fucking shut up. Stop telling me what I feel for you. You don’t know! I’m telling you I got feelings for ya. I wanna have sex with you!” Hayner pushed his body against Roxas, grabbing at Roxas’ arms and forced another kiss onto locked lips.

Roxas jerked his head to the side and shoved against Hayner’s body with the palms of his hands. “Get _off me!”_

Hayner held firm, digging fingers into Roxas’ biceps. “I know you're waitin’ for someone to treat you nice. I know you're waitin’ for me to finally make a move, so I am.” Hayner kissed Roxas’ neck.

“I'm not! I wanna be left alone.”

Hayner backed off suddenly but gripped Roxas harder. “Like shit you do. You were making out with strange guys.”

“You fucking _told me_ too. You said it was all right.”

“You were s’posed to make out with _me,_ you idiot! You listen to me but you don't actually _hear._ You were supposed to make out with _me!_ You're supposed to have sex with _me!”_ he screamed into Roxas’ face.

Roxas trembled with a mix of supreme anger and utter terror. Somewhere in the depth of his body, he wanted to punch the shit out of Hayner, but Hayner was also his best friend and drunk and this was all a misunderstanding but, _“Fuck!_ Get off me! Let me go!” Roxas jerked and thumped his palms against Hayner's chest with more force this time, managing to finally duck out from under the other man.

Hayner reacted in slow motion, his head and eyes lagging behind as he turned to look at Roxas who now stood more or less behind him. “Why—do you have to—make—such a drama out of this?” Hayner said, struggling a bit to get the words out.

“Drama? You’re… harassing me!” he spat back.

Hayner blew air out of his mouth. “‘S if! I'm trying to tell you that I love you and you're acting like a butt-hurt dick!”

Roxas’ mouth hung open. “Love? _Love?_ Hayner… _fuck!_ I don't _feel_ that way about you.”

An angry frown sprang onto Hayner’s face. “So you can make out with random strangers but not your bestie, who you've known since forever? Who you know you can trust? Who won’t molest you or pressure you.”

Roxas couldn't help it – he laughed but then it died as fast as it had sprung up and Roxas’ lips drew into a thin line. _“Trust?_ What’re you even doing? You’re pressuring me right now, you dope.”

“You're full of shit, Rox. You just want to fuck people up and not in a good way. You're toying with everyone. You're selfish and completely self-absorbed.” Hayner turned red with rage and his voice reverberated slightly off the polished concrete floor and white tiled walls.

Roxas took a step back. He needed space or he would punch his friend. “I'm the bad guy because I don't want to sleep with you?

“Yeah.”

 _“Fuck you,_ Hayner,” he roared and turned, walking as quickly as he could to head back out into the club area.

“Roxas!” Hayner called and footsteps followed.

Roxas picked up his pace but felt much too unsteady to run, needing to use the washbasins and wall as a crutch. He left the washroom to be greeted by the full force of the techno remix which currently played and the chatter of at least a hundred people thrown into the mix.

Roxas moved further into the club, looking out onto the dance floor. He didn't know where to go to get away from Hayner, who lumbered out of the washroom if the piercing creak of the door meant anything. He turned, trying to head for the exit but bumped straight into a tall somebody. “Sorry,” he muttered and wanted to move around the obstacle but the man side-stepped in the same direction.

“Yo, is that guy bothering you?”

 _That voice!_ Roxas’ head snapped up and his heart nearly stopped. Tall, red hair, but—something was wrong. Axel’s name died on Roxas’ lips before he could get it out. Blue eyes looked down at Roxas before fixing onto Hayner, who approached behind.

“N—” it sat on the tip of his tongue and then—“Yes.” He couldn’t and didn't want to deal with his drunk friend right now… if friends is still what they were.

Not-Axel pulled Roxas behind himself and stood between him and Hayner. “Buzz off, kid,” came the relaxed command.

Roxas saw nothing but the tapered back, dressed in a dark suit.

“You! You fucking shit!” Hayner yelled.

Dark suit moved and Roxas watched a small struggle unfold. It didn't last long – Hayner far too wasted to be much of a threat. He ended up with his arms restrained behind his back and body bent forward, looking at the ground. He still struggled but it had no power behind it.

“Yo, I'm gonna give you two options.” The man blew a chewing-gum bubble and it popped. “Either you leave here, or I'm gonna call the cops and you leave here with them.”

“Fine, fine, I'll leave. C’mon, let's go.” Hayner looked up at Roxas with a glare and seething frown.

“Alone.” Gum bubble popped again.

Hayner tried to turn around to stare daggers at his captor but couldn’t do more than twist his neck and side-eye him. “I'm his ride home,” he asserted aggressively.

“I'll be helping him make alternative travel arrangements, and you better too, Mister Future-DUI, if you don't wanna turn into a Mister Death-by-Car-Wreck, yo.”

Roxas stared, wide-eyed. That thought terrified him. 

Hayner got released. He stood up straight, shrugged, shook his arms, straightened his clothes and glared. “Fine.”

“Look after yourself,” Roxas pleaded.

“Like you even give a shit!”

“I do,” he said quietly as Hayner moved off without another look back.

Not-Axel moved next to him, nauseating Roxas as he looked up into an eerily familiar face, which carefully peered into the direction that Hayner disappeared in. 

“You're not just gonna let him go, are you?” Mild panic colored Roxas’ tone.

The man clicked his tongue and he returned his attention onto Roxas, “Yo, wanna press charges?”

“What? No. I'm just – I don't wanna let him hurt himself.”

“Yeah, wasn't gonna let him go.” His hand went to his earpiece and the man spoke to no one in particular. “Yo, got 'n eye on the punk?—Make sure he doesn't do anything dumb.” Eyes turned back onto Roxas, “All right, got him covered.” 

Roxas stared up, completely captivated by the man before himself now that the drama had ended. He had a long red ponytail. Red tattoos painted his cheekbones and he was tall but not as tall as—

“Yo, you gonna be okay getting home? Need me to call a cab?” 

Roxas nodded. “Yeah, a cab would be good.”

“Office.” Hands went into pants pockets and the guy, who had to be security, sauntered off. 

Roxas looked around himself and followed close behind, being led through the club and to a back office. Roxas found himself inside a rather small room. Some CCTV feeds were showing on a few small screens and there were three chairs and two desks. A small, stocky man sat before the screens and cast an eye at them as they entered. 

“Yo, did Frankie end up securing the backdoor?” Roxas’ Axel look-alike asked.

The other man gave a thumbs up and then stuffed a footlong into his mouth.

A chair at a desk got pulled out for Roxas. The redhead sat on top of the desk, picked up a phone and dialed a number. Roxas stared at the guy as he spat out the gum and sucked on a lollipop he pulled out from behind his ear, which Roxas hadn’t noticed previously. Did Axel have a brother? It occurred to him at that moment that this _was_ Axel’s hometown. He suddenly became very nervous. If Axel had a sibling… would he know about Roxas? Was Axel close to his family? Roxas agonized over knowing so little about his former boyfriend.

Blue eyes fell on him in a way that would have been insanely sexy had they been green. Instead, Roxas felt self-conscious. Arms wrapped around himself.

“Yeah, Charlie, just send a cab over to Twilight. I’ll be out the front with the passenger—Yup—Pretty cute, yo—Mm, see ya ‘round.” He hung up and Roxas felt the discomfort which heralded a blush spreading through himself.

“Yo, need a drink o’ water or anything like that?”

Roxas nodded, feeling parched and woozy. “Water, thanks.” He watched the lanky body get up and head to a bar fridge. Water bottle came flying at Roxas’ head moments later. He managed to not embarrass himself and actually caught it, though he did fumble with it a good deal before holding it securely in his hands.

The guy grabbed a coke, opened it with a satisfying ‘pshhh’, and came back to sit on the desk. “Yo, so you got a name or should I just call ya ‘cutie’?”

Sheer dread made him choke on his drink as he gulped down the cool refreshment. “Harlan,” he got out after a good cough. It wasn’t a lie. “You?”

“Reno,” the redhead said, and nodded over to the other man, “And that’s Tim.” Tim raised a hand in greeting without turning around. “Yo, you sure you don’t wanna file a report?” Reno leaned in close, scrutinizing Roxas’ face.

Sharp attractive features made Roxas swallow nervously. They _had_ to be related. “No. It’s fine. He didn’t do anything to me. We’re friends. It was just a… a… misunderstanding.”

“Yo, you _sure?_ The way he was crackin’ onto ya—well, I never seen a friend do that before,” Reno let a brash laugh fly out. 

“Y-you saw?”

Head cocked towards the screens. “Yo, we see everything.”

Tim gave another thumbs up.

“First that bear and then that punk.”

“Y-you saw that too?” Embarrassment didn't even cut close to what Roxas felt right now.

“Yup. I was coming over to get that guy off you but punk beat me to it. Went back to the office and Tim told me ya needed help again. Ya really need to be more careful. Get some experience of clubbing under your belt first, _Harlan.”_

Roxas did not like the way Reno said his name – like he didn’t believe that it _was_ his name – like he knew of Roxas. He gulped. “I, ah… just came out of a long-term relationship, so I guess…” he shrugged, not knowing what else to say.

“It shows. Don’t get drunk and trust guys. ‘Specially gingers. Shifty fellas.” Reno gave him a stern look.

“But—you….” Roxas felt thoroughly confused. Did Reno _know_? Roxas thought he might go mad.

Reno winked as if that somehow would explain something. Blue eyes left Roxas to peer up at the clock above the door. “The taxi should be here soon.” They both got up. “Yo, I’ll do more prowling and see if I can’t find that burly rat floating about the place after I make sure Harlan here’s on his way.”

Another thumbs up from Tim, and they were out of the office and made their way to the entrance.

Roxas stood outside of the club under an awning as it had finally started to drizzle. Reno stood next to him, humming to himself and toe-tapping while he twiddled his lollipop stick. Roxas’ mind raced all over the place. He tried to reconcile who Reno was and how much he knew. He also thought of Hayner and tried to piece everything together. Amidst all of this Roxas also questioned every decision he had ever made. His thoughts were so noisy that he almost missed it when Reno said, “Yo, if you're ever looking for a good time don't waste away at clubs. Come find me. Just ask for Reno Rutherford.” He followed it up with a wink and Roxas wanted to die. Whoever Reno was, he must be related to Axel.

He politely nodded but was overcome with a need to get away and a sudden dread of going home in case Hayner came over, wanting to apologize, or worse yet… make out.

“I, ah… thank you for everything. I'm gonna go for a walk.”

“Yo, you sure?”

But Roxas had already moved off into the wet night.

* * *

 

Roxas walked down busy sidewalks dodging party-goers and drunken rabble. He felt stone cold sober, thanks to the incidents of the night. Hayner liked – _loved_ him? They had kissed. Roxas was as guilty of kissing back as Hayner was guilty of initiating it. Axel had been right. He had been so right. That thought cut him up like broken glass and opened up the floodgates. They had fought because Roxas had been too blind and stubborn to notice. And Reno… if Reno told Axel—Roxas’ arms clutched his sides as he walked with a bowed head, running circles in his mind revolving around the fact that Axel would hate him. Hate him _even more._ Axel would never be able to forgive him. What had he done? How could he be so naïve?

Eventually, the heavens properly opened up, pouring buckets, and Roxas was forced to take notice. He had no choice but to get off the sidewalk as quickly as he could and enter the nearest open establishment, which happened to be a small bar.

Despite the venue’s small size, a raucous tumult emanated from the revelers who were watching a sports game towards the back. They cheered or booed, depending on what side they were backing. 

Roxas made for the washroom to get away from the noise and to wring out his clothes as best he could and towel off underneath the hand drier.

After ten or so minutes he figured out that he wouldn’t get drier than he had managed to get. His hair at least didn’t droop anymore, though it looked like a raggedy mop. He managed to get his white dress shirt to be less see-through and his thighs no longer froze from the damp denim. His butt, however, remained soaked through, and the outside of his jacket still dripped and felt clammy on the inside.

He headed back out into the bar, the name of which was 7th Heaven, if the menu board and coasters were to be believed. Roxas squelched across the sticky wooden floorboards and scooched into a booth seat with dark brown, worn leather upholstery. He picked up the drinks menu and stared at it without seeing what it contained. He just needed something to hide behind whilst his face contorted with the shedding of bitter tears. It had been easier outside in the rain. At least in here, the noisy crowd covered his pathetic sounds.

Thoughts tried to order themselves. Sense tried to be made. Hayner… his best friend… his _straight_ best friend… claimed to have feelings for him. Hayner had never liked Axel – had tried to steer Roxas away from Axel. Hayner was a self-serving bastard. Why hadn't he seen it? Why did all the people he trusted turn on him? 

Roxas felt incredibly alone as he sat in the semi-crowded bar, drenched and chilled to the bone. He couldn't even tell if he felt cold from his wet body or from the betrayal he had been exposed to. His hands shook so he dropped the menu and opted for burying his face in an open palm, whilst the other hand frantically tapped against the wooden table.

His phone buzzed twice. Once was his mother, whom he messaged back saying he would be out all night, and the other was Hayner, apologizing, but Roxas ignored it. Other than those two instances Roxas couldn’t say at what speed time passed. It dragged, it sped, it froze. 

He spent a long time composing apology messages to Axel, but opted to delete them all before sending any. A part of himself hated the idea of admitting that Axel had been – sort of – right. The other half knew he needed to apologize but he wasn't ready yet. His mind yelled at him; what if Reno told Axel? It had to come from Roxas. He needed to admit to it, but if Reno told… Axel would be pissed either way, but it would be so much worse if he didn’t hear it from Roxas. But he also didn’t want to out himself in case Reno didn’t tell Axel. Of course, Roxas would tell Axel one day… but why did it have to be tonight? It was better to do it in person. So he kept writing and deleting all the messages. 

Eventually, a glass scraping against the wood of the table caught Roxas’ attention and annihilated the futile thought-loop he was caught in. Clear liquid in a tall glass sat in front of him, slightly wobbling from the journey across the table.

“Mind if I sit?” came a warm voice.

Roxas blinked at the glass. Surely it hadn’t spoken. He turned his head and looked… up and up and up, at the tall man standing before him. Dark hair fell past shoulders, styled and brushed back into spiked. Blue eyes looked almost violet from the reflection of a red neon sign somewhere ahead of the man.

Roxas stared, open-mouthed, at the very handsome man before him, dressed in jeans and a dark, sleeveless sweater. Roxas became aware of his own disheveled state and the probably puffy eyes and splotchy face he must be sporting, and which only became splotchier with the heat of embarrassment searing his cheeks and neck. Despite how Roxas looked… had the man just… _propositioned_ him? Roxas had enough of men for one night. Even really attractive men like this one before him. “Oh no. I'm not here to pick up.”

“I'm not either. You just look like a guy with a lot on his mind and I'm in the same boat, so I thought misery would like company. May I sit?” The serious gaze turned into a soft smile in the blink of an eye. It melted some of the cold icy shards inside of Roxas. The smile had a very nice, warm, and friendly quality to it.

“Do I really look miserable?” Roxas gestures to the chair on the opposite side of the booth and slid his phone into his pocket.

“Yeah. But so do I, right?” Long and muscular limbs squeezed into the booth and the man sat down next to Roxas, instead of before him.

Warmth radiated off the other man's body. Roxas resisted leaning into the heat source. “Maybe a little,” he mumbled as he examined the man closer. Roxas could see a familiar weariness upon the upturned lips. The charming smile couldn’t disguise it.

The man chuckled and ran his hands through his luxurious mane. “That glass is for you,” the broad chin nodded towards the object.

Roxas looked at it with suspicion. “What is it?” He wasn't born yesterday.

“Just water. I saw you crying and thought you could use some hydration.” A soft hum followed.

Roxas pulled the glass towards himself and sniffed it, but pushed it away again. “Excuse me for not believing a complete stranger.”

“Ah, well my name's Zack Fair. I'm a social worker, mainly working with kids and teens by day, and a super amazing PT by night. I'm completely, hopelessly in love with my best friend who works at a recreation center I take the out-of-home-care kids to, that are assigned to me. And life is pretty great, except for the fact that my best friend is completely straight.” Zack sighed heavily. “So now you know me and,” he grabbed the glass and took a big swig of the liquid inside, “ah, if there's anything wrong with this water then I'll be the first to go down.”

Roxas found himself to be grinning by the time Zack finished talking. His hands reached out for the glass and he took a long drink from it as well. The water soothed his rather parched throat.

“Nice to meet you, Zack Fair. My name's Roxas Shaw and I’m currently unemployed, in the middle of a court case against my controlling and abusive ex, while trying to figure out my feelings towards my more-recently-broken-up-with ex, and to top everything off I found out today that my straight best friend apparently has feelings for me, even though I don't feel anything for him. So _yay_ , us.” He held the glass aloft and took a small sip before passing it to Zack, who also cheered with no mirth and drank from the glass as well.

“Can we swap best friends?” Zack inquired as he returned the glass to the table.

“Sure. I'll bring mine over for a meet and greet and we can see if they are compatible with us, or see if they eat each other.”

A hearty laugh burbled out of Zack, widening Roxas’ smile. “That sounds like a great idea. Is yours housetrained?”

Roxas laughed and it warmed his soul. “Oh, he’s house trained as far as knowing where the food lives. So you might have your work cut out for yourself.”

“I’m willing to make it work. As long as he loves me back I'll overlook all toileting issues.” Zack chuckled but the sparkle in his eyes died and the smile faded.

Roxas looked on with sympathy. He would have given the man's shoulder a squeeze if they weren't as good as strangers to each other. Well, maybe they had graduated to acquaintances. But it still wasn't shoulder-squeezing territory.

A cautious gaze turned onto Roxas. “How did you manage to make your best friend fall for you?”

He shrugged. “I didn't try. I didn't, and don't want it. How do you friendzone yourself?”

“Ouch.”

Roxas gasped in shock, and hurriedly said, “Sorry.”

Zack chuckled, “No harm, no foul. I’ve known Cloud for five years now. He's really shy and quiet, but he's opened up a lot to me. We hang out together almost every day. He tells me about his worries, hopes, and dreams, and a lot of them align with my own thoughts and feelings. I feel like… we’re so close and have so much in common that we could easily live our lives together forever. And he’s crazy hot. Like… his skin is just perfect. His body,” Zack hummed low in his throat and closed his eyes briefly, “and when he smiles,” Zack clutched at his chest, “my heart just about explodes.” He took a deep breath and shook his head lightly. “But… he's got a lot of girl troubles. I’ve joked with him that he wouldn't have those troubles if he dated a guy, but he's really insecure—it's really cute how tough he pretends to be but how soft he actually is. He thinks no one would want him and every time he says that I just want to shake him and hold him and kiss him and tell him how damn wrong he is.” Zack's hands clenched into fists atop the table and he looked pained. A strangled groan emanated from Zack’s throat. “I just… _wish._ Wish and wish and _wish_ that he could see me in a different light. That he’d want me like I want him.” Zack raked a hand through his hair again and rubbed at his face. The hand fell away as Zack asked, “So how did you get so lucky… or unlucky in your case?”

“Wow, you really sound in love.”

“Yeah, I am. It sucks.”

Roxas’ heart went out to the other man. He knew – had known – that feeling. It was nothing if not painful. ”I don't know how my best friend fell for me. I've known Hayner for something like…” Roxas cast his mind back to when he first moved to Atlanta and how he had met Hayner at school on his first day there, “thirteen years? We grew up together. He’s always been straight for as long as I've known him. He used to tease me and my cousin since we're both gay. He's never shown an interest in men or me. But… I mean maybe that changed? And if it did I guess I wouldn't have known about it since—” he gave Zack a wary look. Could he unburden himself to a complete stranger? It actually sounded like a nice idea. “Well, I moved away from Atlantica after I graduated and met up with my old childhood friend who became my boyfriend pretty quickly after that. We lived together for… well, it would have been eight years next week but—” he shrugged one shoulder. He hadn't thought about their anniversary until right now. He didn't know how to feel about it. Would Vanitas be thinking of him? A dull ache stirred. He pushed that thought away. It would have to wait for another day.

“Vanitas was always angry at me. I was never good enough but he made me want to keep trying. He made me believe that everything was my fault and I could improve things if I really wanted it enough – if I wanted _him_ enough. Anyway, point is, I hardly ever got to see my friends and family when I was with him. Not until now. Not until I broke up with him. So – I swear this story has a point.”

“Oh, I'm listening. Even if it didn’t have a point it’s still interesting. Makes me feel better about my own life,” Zack winked and gave a generous smile.

Roxas huffed out some laughter. “Happy to help. But anyway, I hadn’t seen Hayner in maybe five years and I’m back here right now to try and clear my head and… sort through some personal issues—”

“Personal issues relating to the recently-broken-up-with ex?” Zack inquired softly, amusement dancing on his lips.

Roxas scrunched his face up. “Yes and no. It's all a really long story. As for your best-friend-not-being-into-you thing – my only suggestion is to maybe be away from – _Cloud_ , was it?”

Zack nodded.

“Maybe he'll notice what he's been missing if you aren't there all the time? Sorry, that's all I’ve got. 'Cause I really didn't do anything. I've been away, and now I'm back and, yeah okay, I spent a lot of time with Hayner, but that was him wanting to be with me, because he apparently had been feeling differently about me since I've been back, and I've been back for over a month now.” It was so weird to acknowledge that Hayner supposedly had feelings for him, let alone to a stranger.

Zack nodded with understanding and possibly a bit of optimistic hope. “Got it. Be away from Cloud for a while. Maybe not five years though. That would kill me. But I guess I could go visit my parents out in the country. Dad's been asking me to come around to help repair the old barn and silo. That'll take a few weeks,” he said aloud, while lost in his own thoughts if the chin scratch meant anything.

Roxas picked up the glass of water and finished drinking the remains. As he returned the glass to the table the motion seemed to draw Zack out of his rumination. “Hey, can I get you anything? A proper drink maybe? My treat since you’re helping me out with my non-existent-love-life problems.”

“I'm not really being helpful.“

“You are. What do you want? I'll buy you whatever.”

Roxas eyed Zack thoughtfully. He enjoyed the conversation he and Zack were having and Zack seemed super nice and attractive to boot. It couldn't hurt, he supposed. “A cosmopolitan, thanks.” He ached to get the drunken buzz back and drown out the droning doubts.

“Coming right up.”

Zack returned after a few minutes with Roxas’ drink and something blue for himself.

“So tell me about this recently-broken-up-with boyfriend. You all alone at a bar to forget or to celebrate?”

Roxas sighed around his straw as he drank. “Mm, neither really. I – well, I went out with my bestie—”

“The one who’s got the hots for you?” Zack clarified.

“Yeah. I went out with him tonight to… just move on with my life. Axel – that's my was-boyfriend’s name, though he wasn't even really. He broke up with me two weeks ago because he thought I was cheating on him with Hayner – my bestie. So I've been depressed most of the time since then but decided to make the best out of a crap situation and get on with things. I… kind of, sort of, have a track record of putting too much into relationships and kinda forgetting everything else around me – so I thought I'd try to change that. Put myself first, y’know? And then as things are getting good and I’m feeling a bit more confident, Axel calls up yesterday saying sorry, which – well, until Hayner kissed me and wanted to force me to sleep with him—”

“Geeze,” Zack exclaimed. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I got away from Hayner and he had a run-in with security. So anyway, Axel apologizing for how he treated me was nice, but I didn't take him back because I need to sort myself out. I feel really bad. I totally owe him an apology, right? I… I was downright mean to him. I yelled at him for not trusting me, but maybe I should have trusted him instead. But he didn't— _doesn’t_ know Hayner. I was pissed at him for saying things about my friends – but I guess I apparently didn't know Hayner either and it's just all really embarrassing.” Roxas buried his head in his hands for a moment and groaned. “Anyway, I didn't take Axel back even though he expected me to.”

“Do you wish you had?”

Roxas released his head and stirred his drink with the straw, thinking about the question. “I… don't know. Axel is… Axel is really special to me. I miss him. I feel awful. I wanna say sorry. I know I need to be alone. I know I need to sort myself out. I can't if I'm with someone. I just can't. My brain’s dumb that way. Axel doesn't understand. I can't make him understand. I don't want to think about why I can't get anything right. I think that's why I went out with Hayner. To… just not think about it and avoid it all. Does that make sense?”

Zack sighed and nodded. “I hear you, buddy. Avoiding is nice.”

Both sat in silence, listening to the cheers and boos coming from the sports-loving crowd.

Roxas’ mind wandered to the time and whether or not he should be getting home. He wondered if Hayner would be waiting for him. Anger bubbled up. What had Hayner been thinking? Had Roxas ever done anything to lead him on? How was he going to break this news to Axel? Would he? Should he? His thoughts began to tumble and down that futile rabbit hole again, but thankfully Roxas didn't get very far into it because Zack said, “Do you want to play a friendly round of skeeball?”

Roxas’ interest instantly piqued. “They have that here? In a bar?”

“Yeah. Over there.” Zack pointed towards the sports crowd. “It’s around the side of the bar. You can win bar snacks and alcohol depending on what points you get. It’s one of the only reasons I come here,” he laughed.

Roxas nodded eagerly. They finished their drinks and went over to the machine. Zack swiped a card, balls were produced and they began taking turns rolling them up to the ball-hop. They played several rounds. Roxas got his bearings and figured out the best way to achieve the maximum points. It wasn't too long before Zack started redeeming the points for snacks and mostly booze, which they shared.

Roxas was well into the tipsy, maybe even verging-on-drunk region of his alcohol tolerance and Zack grinned even more. The man’s complexion turned decidedly red in hue even with his tanned skin and the dim lighting of the bar.

They happily chatted away about anything and everything; they discussed what their superpowers would be and how they would have gotten them; the pros and cons of city living, versus rural seclusion; how florists create rainbow flowers and if the same technique could be used for dyeing sheep’s wool stumped the both of them and they decided it needed further investigating.

Zack sunk his third ball in a row into the high-value-target hole.

“Bet they hate having you come here. You’re gonna drink the bar out of everything if you keep going this way,” Roxas giggled.

“You mean _we_ are,” Zack sniggered.

“Oh, I’m just helping you to not die of alcohol poisoning.”

“Thanks, bud!” Zack cackled, collected the tickets and sauntered to the bar, slapping the tickets down and waiting for another bottle of some sickly sweet drink they had been knocking back since the start of the gaming session.

Roxas giggled to himself over nothing in particular and held on to the side of the skeeball machine to stop the room’s swaying motion from toppling him over. His giggling increased while his eyes drifted to Zack's backside for the umpteenth time that night, as it was so readily available for ogling in those tight-fitted jeans. Zack currently leaned against the bar, providing an even more scrumptious view.

On his return Zack held out the bottle to Roxas with a, “Now it’s your turn to win us something nice.”

“Thanks.” Roxas smiled up at him and took the bottle, gulping down a few of the delicious mouthfuls before handing it back. He wiped his mouth on his palm and asked, “Can I ask you somethin’ serious?”

“Yeah.” Zack took a long drink from the bottle.

“Whaddya do to get your butt so nice?”

“Oh?” Zack twisted a bit, trying to see his derriere before turning back to Roxas with a big grin. “Lots o’ squats. You really like my tush?”

Roxas hummed and nodded. He then drank up the sight of Zack's backside as the man turned to give Roxas another view.

Zack grinned and snorted with some repressed laughter. “Good to know my workout routine's working for me.”

“Oh, it is. Hey, what’re you doing out on a Sunday night?” It suddenly seemed like an important thing to ask.

Zack straightened up again and squinted at Roxas as if he had trouble seeing. “Today's Sunday. Why wouldn't I be out on a Sunday?”

“Yeah, I know that, but… don’t you have anyone to, y’know, drill into the ground?”

“Cloud's straight, remember? I got no one,” Zack slurred, taking another gulp of the drink.

Roxas giggled, the misunderstanding being way too amusing. “No, no. I mean not fucking, but like, y’know, PT’ing.”

“Oh!” Zack exclaimed in a very long and drawn out fashion. “No, no. Who in their right mind wants to work out when they could be spending the last day before work drinking and partying?” Zack still wore a big grin and kept nursing the bottle against his lips.

Roxas shrugged. “People with a crazy hot PT like you. I'd book in on a Sunday night and watch you give me rope swing and tire flipping demos all night long, just so I could look at your ass.” Zack’s ass burned into Roxas’ brain. Bar-leaning aside, he had also been eyeing Zack off every time the man had taken his turn to roll the ball up the slope of the machine. 

Zack laughed some more past the mouth of the bottle against his lips. “Two compliments about my butt in under two minutes. Nice,” Zack beamed.

Roxas’ smile didn't leave him while he stared and fixated on the big, muscly arm and how it held the bottle aloft. Zack got increasingly hotter as the night progressed. It wasn’t just the alcohol. The guy was super nice and fun. But the alcohol definitely made Roxas appreciate Zack's physical qualities a lot more and definitely didn't make him shy about pointing them out now. “I like your arms too.”

Zack laughed and laughed. “Well, lucky for you it kinda looks like you’ve got me all to yourself tonight. I’m even gonna waver my exuberant fees just for you.” He leaned down towards Roxas and gave a lazy, but suggestive cock of his eyebrow.

“Oh, you’re so kind. Thank you, thank you.” Roxas giggled.

“Anything for a cutie like you.” Zack reached out, running his thumb along Roxas’ jaw towards his chin.

A shiver ran down Roxas’ spine and he smiled at the pleasant warmth that gesture filled him with. It was easy to forget that he was still wet and had squelchy socks and shoes and a wet butt with good eye-candy like that in front of him. He turned away though. If he looked too long something might happen. “What were we doing? Whose turn is it?”

“Yours. You’re really forgetful.”

“Am not. It’s jus’ your fault.” Roxas pouted a little.

“How’s that so?” Zack chuckled.

Roxas turned back towards Zack smiling at the gorgeous body and enjoyed the tight fitting shirt and how it hugged the man’s pecs and trim waist. “Jus’ look at you. Bet I’m not the only one who’s forgetting things when you’re around.” 

Zack seemed to think about that for a moment. “I… guess?”

“So it _does_ happen a lot!” Roxas burst out laughing.

“I wouldn't say a lot, but enough to be annoying at times. I know some of my clients aren't dumb. Though others – eh,” Zack giggled. _Actually_ giggled.

It blew Roxas’ mind how cute the guy could be for being so big. Zack was a giant goofball, which made him adorable. “See, it's because your good looks are distracting everyone.”

“Pretty bad excuse for you not making your shot.” Zack’s nose wrinkled with amusement.

Roxas looked at the ball he fondled in his hand. “Yeah.” He turned back towards the skeeball machine and rolled the ball. He underestimated the power he needed and the ball found its way into an unimpressive scoring area once it left the ball-hop. “You’re so distracting you made me get a crap score.”

“Hmm, what do you suggest then? Bag over my head?” A smarmy smirk appeared on Zack’s face.

“Yep. With eye-holes cut out though, so you can see.” Roxas grinned up, his cheeks straining.

“Ahh. You are very wise.”

They both beamed at each other.

“So, why're you out all by yourself on a Sunday night? Bet you have loads of friends.” Roxas asked again, wanting an answer to a question he wasn't willing to ask directly.

“Why’re you so demanding wanting to know why I’m out?” Zack smiled and it turned suggestive with the cock of his eyebrow.

“Just… talking.”

Zack gave a disbelieving hum. “Well, maybe I _am_ out prowling for someone to distract me, if you know what I mean.”

Roxas did. His heart fluttered for a brief moment. “But you said you weren't when you sat down.”

“Well, I didn't really know. Not like I had my heart set on getting any action tonight, but I had to get out of my flat or I would go crazy, thinking, y’know?”

The mood suddenly sobered Roxas a little. “About Cloud?”

Zack sighed heavily, “Yeah. He's got a new girlfriend and it’s always the hardest when he's got a new girlfriend because he gets super excited and wants to spend all his time with her, so I only ever see him during work hours. I miss him. And… not to be weird or anything, but you kinda looked like him when I first walked in… when you were all sad 'n’ surly. You're not so much like him now that you're all happy, but that's good too. You're fun, and it's great that you're less difficult to talk to on first meeting.” Zack chuckled low in his throat, “Man, the first time I met Cloud it took me a week to get anything out of him that wasn't booking form related.” That glorious, warm, bright smile on Zack’s face died down again.

“Sorry to hear that. And it is a little bit weird.”

“Hope not too weird. I’m having fun with you, no matter what you look like.”

“Thanks.” Roxas gave a big grin.

They continued playing until it was clear that they were getting impaired enough to no longer be able to win more alcohol so they moved on to a foosball table, but not before Roxas bought some drinks for them. The game grew heated despite them not being able to coordinate their movements properly. Their section of the small bar filled with hysterical laughter. Roxas couldn’t see straight anymore, crying with laughter.

He wasn’t sure how it happened, but as they both spun the handles like crazy, the ball kicked up, went flying in a magnificent arc, and landed in someones drink. An angry stare pinned them in place. Zack grabbed Roxas’ hand, pulled him away, and they exited via the backdoor, doubling over with frenzied laughter in the alleyway beyond. Not even the drizzle and cool air bothered Roxas. He loved laughing so much. He loved having a good time out.

They slapped each other's backs and then helped each other stand steady, as their laughter subsided enough for them to talk, in between gasping breaths.

“Oh man, that guy was _so_ not impressed,” Zack said, clutching his stomach.

“I don’t know why. That shot was _amazing!”_

A burst of laughter erupted out of both of them. Roxas almost shrieked with his own delight, and then a few glorious moments later they calmed down again, grinning broadly at each other.

“Hey, come out of the rain.” Zack pulled Roxas close to himself and under the shelter of the awning.

Roxas let the motion propel him forward into Zack's arms and against his chest. Zack was so warm and his burbling chuckle made Roxas incredibly happy. Strong arms wound around him and fingers touched skin where Roxas’ shirt and jacket rode up.

“‘S just me or are you really cold?” Zack asked. 

“‘M cold,” Roxas muttered, pressing his cheek firmer against Zack’s body. The rumble of that voice was too alluring.

“And really short,” came the laugh.

“Hey!” Roxas glared up, but his stern expression melted into a smile and he couldn’t keep the giggle at bay. He shook his head a little, trying to dislodge the happy feeling. He struggled with the frown but got it out as he said, “C’mere and say that to my face.”

Zack cocked an eyebrow and his smile turned to a grin. He leaned down, getting right in Roxas’ face. “You’re short.”

They both erupted into another bout of giggles but it quickly fizzled out as lips locked onto each other in a kiss. They shared unsure, sloppy kisses and sucks. Roxas made a short, sharp surprised sound as Zack tightened his grip around him and picked him up. Roxas wound his legs around Zack’s torso and his arms around broad shoulders. Being pressed up so close to Zack felt ten times more potent than the alcohol. Roxas wanted more kisses and pushed himself deep into Zack’s sweet, warm mouth while Zack's arms held him and his hands groped Roxas’ backside with heated passion.

They kissed and fondled each other under the awning, in the back of the alley. Roxas clung on, rocking his hips against Zack’s abdomen, while the other man held him firmly and squeezed Roxas gently. The faint roar of the crowd from inside the bar rose up like distant thunder every time a score was attained or a penalty shootout occurred. Cars whooshed past on the main road, headlights strobing through the alley, while the light rain kept falling.

Zack turned them around and pushed Roxas up against the wall, taking charge of the kiss and pushing deeply into Roxas’ mouth. The kissing intensified. Both men hummed with pleasure and breathed harshly against each other.

Zack broke the kiss first and half-huffed, “The other reason I come to this bar is ‘cause I live around the corner. You wanna come over?” Gorgeous blue eyes sparkled as the headlights of cars strobed past. 

Roxas felt so at ease with Zack. The kissing swirled and heated up the desire in his belly and the alcohol made everything fuzzy and inviting. He nodded and delved in for another hungry kiss which they shared until Zack let go of Roxas, letting him slide down the wall and regain contact with the ground.

Zack grabbed Roxas’ hand, and pulled him along, down the alleyway. They splashed through puddles and giggled as they went. Something invisible tripped Roxas up and he nearly fell but Zack caught him. 

“Let me help,” Zack said, lifted Roxas up and carried him.

Maybe Roxas would have found it undignifying, but his whole attention was hell-bent on pulling aside the black fabric of Zack’s clothes and licking at and kissing the warm, exposed skin he found there. He wanted to see, feel, and taste more. He wanted them in a complete state of undress, grinding against each other, and he made sure to give Zack that impression. He sucked harder on skin, and ran his hands a little further under tautly stretched fabrics, his fingertips delighting in the contact.

A short while later Roxas registered that they had stopped moving. One of Zack’s hands no longer fondled Roxas’ backside so Roxas twisted around a little to see what was happening. Before him stood an old, weathered metal gate, and a metal-looking door behind it. Zack fumbled with something. Roxas heard the distinct jingle of keys and then the clicking of a lock. Zack pulled the gate back and unlocked the door behind it, taking them inside a dimly lit hallway, where Zack began ascending the stairs. Roxas returned his attention to Zack’s body, running his fingers through the man’s soft hair, while he liked and nipped at the skin around Zack’s ear.

The next time they stopped they were before a wooden door with a metal number seven screwed into it. Zack unlocked the door and brought them both inside. The door clicked shut and Zack slammed Roxas against a wall, pushing against him and kissing him deeply. Zack moaned through the kiss and muttered, “You are making me crazy for you with all your teasing.”

Roxas giggled in response. He felt the wall at his back disappear and they moved through the dark space. A door opened, they moved into a cooler feeling room and the light switched on, revealing a concrete floored and walled bathroom. There was a big glass shower, with a very wide shower head, probably a rain shower. There also stood a separate bathtub, a washing machine, a toilet, sink, and a towel rack, and nothing much else besides a few grooming and hygiene products strewn across the sink space.

“Shower or bath?” Zack asked between kissing Roxas’ neck.

“Shower.”

Roxas slid down Zack’s body. Warm hands helped Roxas out of his clothes, fumbling with buttons, sliding off fabric and lingering over Roxas’ bare skin, skimming, rubbing, caressing. Roxas shivered but not from feeling cold. He kicked off his shoes and peeled off his socks feeling a million times better. Alcohol still coursed through his body, making him blissfully unaware of needing to worry about his body, especially when compared to Zack’s immensely well-sculpted physique, which he happily helped to reveal and undress, just as much as Zack had enjoyed undressing him.

Roxas pressed kisses to Zack’s tanned, taut, salty-sweet skin as the man tugged off his jumper. Roxas stared and licked his lips as Zack undid and peeled his pants off, revealing an impressively girthy, big cock in fully-erect glory. Zack smiled with satisfaction at Roxas’ staring. 

“You like?”

“I want,” Roxas breathed out. 

Zack smirked and trailed rough fingertips over Roxas’ shoulders, down his chest, over the definition of his abs, and then a teasing finger slowly grazed along the length of Roxas’ shaft, all the way to his tip, where Zack rubbed Roxas’ slit.

Roxas mewled and bit at his lip.

Zack hummed low in his throat, full of satisfaction. “I want, too. C’mon. Let’s get you warm and stretched out.”

Roxas nodded eagerly and they moved into the shower where they spent time getting warm under the hot spray while their hands roamed over each other leisurely. Zack’s calloused fingers touched Roxas everywhere and his chapped, warm lips pressed kisses and left ghosting impressions on Roxas’ skin. 

Roxas, equally, spent his time exploring Zack’s body in greater detail. His fingertips danced over muscular bumps of super-defined abs. He traced the veins on Zack's immense arms and pushed his lower abdomen against Zack's dark happy trail, enjoying the feel of Zack's shaft poking against him.

The hot water on his skin, in his hair, and pooling around his feet thawed him. The touches, kisses, and caresses blazed across his skin and through all his nerve endings. Roxas couldn't get enough of gripping and massaging Zack's ass. He couldn't get enough of the way Zack's hard cock pressed against his abdomen. Roxas reluctantly relinquished one of his hands off glorious glutes to touch and rub Zack's impressive length. Clearly, the man didn't take steroids to get to his size. 

Zack breathed out a long sigh as Roxas touched him and his meandering touches turned more purposeful, running down Roxas’ body. His fingertips rubbed in between Roxas’ ass cheeks. Roxas whimpered a little.

Zack pulled away, bending down and when he stood back up, he wrapped his arms around Roxas’ waist, lifting him up, and wedging Roxas between the shower wall and himself.

Roxas gasped from the shocking cold against his back. But he quickly forgot about the temperature differential as Zack pushed his lips against him, starting them off on leisurely and indulgent kisses. Roxas got really hot and felt the heaviness of lust building inside himself. He wanted to fuck. He wanted to cum. He ground his hips against Zack once more, hoping it would get the point across.

Zack’s fingers fumbled, his hands working on something that wasn’t Roxas’ skin. The next thing Roxas registered was something slippery caressing and running down the cleft of his cheeks. It felt weird enough for Roxas to pull out of the kiss. “What’s that?” he asked, looking down, craning his head a little but not seeing anything.

“Oh.” Zack moved a bit and held up his hand, which revealed that his fingers were shoved in what looked to be a condom. “I’m gonna stretch you out. I’m pretty big.”

“Yeah. _Fuck_. C’mere, big boy,” Roxas growled with hunger, pulling Zack back into a ravenous kiss.

Zack chuckled into Roxas’ mouth and his hand skidded back down to Roxas’ backside. Now that Roxas knew what it was he pushed against the wrapped fingers while they probed and massaged his anus, sending a deeply satisfying shiver through him like Zack was scratching a long-neglected itch. He hummed low and loud as Zack pushed into him. His breath hitched, he pushed back against the fingers, taking Zack in deeper and Roxas groaned and shuddered because Zack hit his prostate. 

Zack fingered and rubbed Roxas right there, in his sweet spot. It made Roxas’ legs shake and he was glad he wasn’t standing up just then. He rocked himself harder against Zack as the pleasure in his backside intensified. Zack added more fingers and kept flicking Roxas’ prostate every so often, sending a hot tingle down to his toes every time. Roxas’ mind was on how much he missed being physically close to someone. All the webcamming in the world didn’t hold a candle to physical intimacy and with all the shit that had happened in the last few weeks, Roxas really _needed_ and _craved_ a furious hard fuck.

Zack’s fingers left Roxas, making him whimper against Zack's mouth. He whimpered again with the feel of Zack’s thick, stiff erection pushing and slipping between his cheeks. He wanted to feel Zack's fat cock slide into himself. He wanted to feel an _almost_ painful stretch and needed to be filled up completely. He also wanted to fuck himself senseless in Zack's ass whilst gripping that firm, taut flesh. He squirmed, trying to position the tip of Zack’s penis so he could push it inside himself.

Zack stopped kissing Roxas and chuckled. “Don’t you want to get to the bed?”

“Your cock is so big, and I haven’t fucked in over a month. I just want it _now_ ,” he whined, throwing his head back against the shower wall, ignoring the slight pain that it elicited. More rumbling laughter followed out of Zack. Kisses trailed along Roxas’ neck and shoulders. 

“Let's go to the bed,” Zack said.

They moved out of the shower. Though by ‘they’ it really was Zack, still carrying Roxas. He did let Roxas go as they stood in the middle of the bathroom. Zack threw a fluffy towel around Roxas before grabbing one for himself. They toweled off quickly. Zack caught Roxas up again, still bundled up in the towel and took him to another darkened room, where he threw Roxas down with enough force to make him bounce a couple of times on the bed.

Zack climbed on top, unwrapping Roxas carefully and started kissing him all over. Roxas giggled to himself, enjoying the attention being lavished onto him.

His eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom of the room. Light from the outside filtered through transparent curtains, letting Roxas see Zack’s bluish outline and vague details. Zack moved off a little bit and returned with condoms and lubricant, which were respectively put on and liberally applied. A flash of bravery around asking to top Zack coursed through Roxas but ultimately went nowhere. It was all right. Roxas needed that fat cock in him. He spread his legs. Zack knelt between them, placing kisses around Roxas’ groin and inner thighs. His rough hands savored Roxas’ skin, sliding up and down his flanks before gripping his hips and lifting Roxas’ backside of the bed. Zack wedged one of his thighs under Roxas, propping him up and positioned the top of his erection against Roxas’ opening.

“You’re happy for me to have sex with you?” Zack checked in.

Roxas almost roared with irritation but managed to keep it in check as he said, “Yes. I want you to wreck my ass. Wreck my ass, please!”

Zack moaned and nudged his hips.

Roxas’ breath left his body and he stared, open-mouthed, up at the ceiling. Zack carefully pushed inside, softly whining, “So tight. So fucking— _tight!”_

Roxas groaned as his senses overloaded with the feel of Zack pushing into him. He kept getting stretched further and further and if it wasn’t the most satisfying feeling in the world then Roxas didn’t know what was. 

The sensation ended. Zack was all the way in and they both panted heavily. “You okay?” Zack asked.

“Yeah. Nngh. _Fuck._ Zack. Just… _fuck!_ ” Roxas took another steadying breath, found the other man with his eyes, and smiled up at him. Zack smiled back, slowly leaned down, making Roxas moan and shiver with the shifting cocking inside himself. Their mouths met in a kiss and they indulged in soft sucks and hands running over each other to help take Roxas’ mind off the stretch. 

They stayed like that for a little while until Roxas nudged his hips. A shared soft smile later and Zack moved, drawing out of Roxas and pushing himself back in. The satisfied moans and hisses out of Zack made Roxas’ stomach hard and his own cock throb and leak. With each roll of Zack’s hips, the intense sting in Roxas’ backside dissolved a little more until immense pleasure overtook his body. 

Roxas gripped the bedsheets and arched his back every time Zack filled him back up. Roxas loved that sensation.

“How’re you doing?” Zack checked in, his voice straining like he was struggling to control himself.

“I’m good. You feel so good. Fuck me _hard,_ big boy,” Roxas growled with desire.

Zack responded with a deep groan and uttered, “I’m good to not hold back?” 

“Wreck my ass!”

A strange high-pitched sound left Zack. He gripped Roxas’ hips hard, pulled out and slammed himself back in, causing Roxas’ breath to catch. He did it again, and again, and by the third time Roxas’ body tingled all over and he couldn’t hold back the wailing groan of pleasure being hauled up from his very center. 

Zack panted. Well-developed and trained muscles rippled. Sweat built up. Kisses graced Roxas’ stomach, chest, neck, and then lips. They sucked on each other and nipped at each other in ways which would probably bruise.

Zack’s fucking of him left Roxas feeling completely liberated. He clawed at Zack’s back, hooked his legs around the man’s hips and sometimes pushed against Zack when he thrust into him, making the force of the thrust even harder, which made Roxas groan deeper. He didn't care about Zack. Didn't care about putting him first, didn't need to please him, didn't need to make sure that Zack wouldn't hate him in the morning. It was overwhelming and glorious. He reveled in every one of Zack’s exquisite and satisfying ruts which his cock provided.

Roxas also didn't care if he looked foolish in the way he writhed about or if he sounded dumb as he called Zack his ‘big boy.’ Zack slammed into Roxas harder and he moaned louder every time that phrase left Roxas’ mouth. 

Zack’s hands gripped firmer, hoisting Roxas up higher and giving Zack a better angle. He jackhammered into Roxas for shocking, exquisite moments, making Roxas squeeze his eyes shut against the enormous pleasure jolting through his backside. Suddenly, erotic fullness left Roxas’ backside, making him yelp from surprise.

“Why’d you stop?”

“Turn over for me, please?” Zack huffed.

Roxas complied with a whimper. He got onto his knees and prostrated himself, splaying arms out in front of himself and sticking his rear in the air so Zack would be more comfortable. He felt something enter him – probably more gloves fingers, applying more lubricant. He could feel something cool fill him up. Warm, calloused hands were on him again, rubbing his back and traveling toward his hips. Once they got there Roxas felt Zack's cock pressing against him again.

“Keep calling me ‘big boy,’” Zack almost sounded like he was begging for it.

“Fuck me, big boy.” Roxas’ tight-lipped smile grew wider with the feel of Zack pushing back into him slowly. 

Roxas thumped his fist against the bed with how good the stretching and filling felt.

Zack thrust into Roxas, slow at first but quickly built momentum. Hands were still on Roxas’ hips for support and guidance. It wasn’t long before Zack’s tempo was back up to where it had been before. He rocked into Roxas with great strength and a very quick rhythm.

Roxas’ face rubbed against the sheets of Zack’s bed, and he let pleasure wash his mind clear of everything. Sex felt so good. Sex was the best thing. Sex was mindless, raw, and the purest way of feeling better. It always had been and it always would be.

Gasps and moans grew louder, out of both of them. Zack’s indistinguishable noises formed a pattern that sounded something like, “Cloud, oh God, _Cloud.”_

Roxas didn’t care. He kept calling Zack his ‘big boy’ and enjoyed how Zack whimpered and fucked him a little harder and deeper each time. Utterances of “I love you,” fell out of Zack, his thrusts becoming erratic. Fingers dug into Roxas, painfully, but the pleasure searing through Roxas’ backside with every loud clap of flesh-on-flesh, of heavy balls slapping against him, and with the feel of warm lube trickling out of Roxas’ backside with Zack furiously fucking him made it completely worth it. Roxas moaned and mewled and ached for his erection to be touched. 

A few deeper-than-the-rest thrusts made Roxas’ breath hitch in his chest and then Zack stilled, groaning long and low, and nudging his hips a little, cumming..

Roxas hissed through the pain of Zack's steely grip on his hips which lasted for the duration of the man's orgasm. After this, Roxas huffed out a bit, mild irritation and annoyance welling up inside at the sex being over before he came. It was a biting reminder of Vanitas.

Zack huffed and puffed behind Roxas with labored breaths for a few moments before he moved, collapsing on top of Roxas. Zack’s warm, sweaty chest pressed to Roxas’ back and he pressed kisses along Roxas’ shoulders and harsh breaths caressed Roxas’ skin. 

“Did you cum?” Zack puffed.

“No.” Bitter thoughts turned to the fact that this would _never_ have happened with Axel. They would have blown their loads together, or very close together. Axel would have touched him – it was a thought he couldn’t afford to let grow bigger. Roxas moved a fraction, which, given Zack’s weight, was a feat. But Zack managed to get the hint through his post-orgasm mind and slipped out of Roxas – a sensation which made Roxas immediately and regretfully empty – and heaved himself off the smaller man. Roxas simultaneously rolled onto his back and propped himself up on his elbows.

Zack filled his vision, smiling softly down at him and started kissing him again, although far less heated and needy than it had been before. Zack’s broad hand traveled down Roxas’ body, gripping onto his still-throbbing erection. Zack squeezed Roxas’ length and pumped him. Roxas moaned into Zack’s mouth. It felt good but… it wasn’t enough. Roxas wanted more. 

Once more bravery to voice his wants raised its head. Roxas’ already-racing-heart thumped a little harder with anxiety. Why was this so hard? Zack was no one and meant nothing to Roxas. He had just felt completely free and unashamed but now? Why was this so hard? All the dirty talk with Axel had probably helped Roxas learn to relax a little more in regards to voicing his needs… but that had been in the safety of distance. He hated how he still felt the same worries and stresses when he was with someone in person. Even if that someone was so inconsequential as a stranger.

The stranger kept kissing him and Roxas kissed back, feeling the tension in his erection building. He thought that he could just let this go— _no_. He wasn’t going to. He yelled at himself internally that he was going to get what he wanted. He just needed to say the words and Zack would surely oblige because Zack was nice. 

Roxas attempted to psyche himself up. He could do this. He mentally kicked himself and then pushed his hand against Zack’s clammy chest, forcing their kiss to break. He took a deep breath, trying to find his courage.

“Yeah?” Zack husked, licking his lips and continuing to pump Roxas’ wrapped erection at a leisurely pace.

Roxas swallowed. “C-can you,” he took another deep breath. He was just going to say it. To hell with any negative repercussions, “suck me off?” _There!_ Had that been so difficult?

Zack gave Roxas a warm smile, hummed pleasantly, and started kissing his way down Roxas’ body. It felt even nicer because the sick anxiety melted away with every one of Zack’s kisses. Roxas let his eyes drift shut as hazy pleasure engulfed him as lips finally pressed around his head. He moaned with deep satisfaction, Zack’s warm mouth swallowing him down to his base. 

The delicious warmth surrounding him melted Roxas like butter. He remembered this feeling: those sucks, and rubs of the tongue, eliciting tingling, wanting pleasure. He eased back down against the mattress, covered his eyes with one arm and let his other seek out hair so he could show his appreciation for the blowjob through head rubs. He touched the man bobbing up and down on his erection. Roxas brushed his fingers through the soft, thick, luxurious hair. He twirled his finger around it like he had loved doing so many times before with familiar locks. He played with the other man’s hair, imagining vivid red.

Roxas gasped as the sucking pressure surrounding his penis intensified. He moaned as his shaft was swallowed down deeper and deeper, increasing the pleasure. Roxas moaned, his mind imagining, _believing_ , and he bucked his hips up into Axel’s warm mouth, pulling at him the way Roxas knew Axel liked best—the heat vanished from around Roxas’ shaft.

“Ow. Can you… not do that?” a strange voice said. 

It snapped Roxas out of his hazy pleasure. His heart jolted uncomfortably. His arm swung off his face and he half sat up. He looked at—raven hair and broad features belonging to—“Sorry,” he muttered and lay back down feeling the full brunt of embarrassment creep over him.

Zack resumed sucking on Roxas. It took Roxas a good few moments to get over the shock and self-hatred. He wasn’t with Axel. He had dumped Axel. He was having a one night stand with a stranger because… because…. He missed Axel. He was mad at himself, Axel, _and_ Hayner. He was… _punishing?_ … _himself?_ Roxas didn’t like how that thought popped into his head. It was a weird idea. One Roxas didn’t like. He needed something to snap him out of this.

“Zack…”

Zack hummed around his cock, making Roxas shiver.

“Can you… finger me while you’re down there?” That hadn’t even been that hard to say.

He caught sight of Zack groping around for something. Roxas wondered what until he saw it – an opened condom. Roxas assumed it was the same one Zack had used before to finger him on the bed.

That was the last thought he had because after that, Zack pushed his fingers into Roxas and shut down his mind. Roxas writhed, missing the fullness of Zack’s erection, but really getting off on the way Zack sucked on his penis and the way the man rubbed his prostate.

It didn’t take long for the desire and lusty need, which had raged through him before, to fill him up again, and this time to the brim. Zack satisfied Roxas’ burning itch, igniting his nerve endings as he orgasmed, sending hot shudders and tingles through his cock, ass, and up his spine. He clutched the bedsheets, arched his back and savored the sensation washing through him, leaving him feeling like happy mush.

Condoms were removed, Zack’s warm body and heavy blankets were next to and on top of Roxas, and he dozed off to the rhythmic sound of breathing in his ear.

* * *

 

Light disrupted Roxas’ sleep. He rolled over, finding something solid and warm to block the light out with. Some pressure descended on his shoulder. Fingers – hand – they rubbed Roxas’ skin and went up into his hair.

Roxas hummed and smiled. “Morning, Axel,” left his lips.

“Morning,” came the sleepy response but it wasn’t in Axel’s timbre.

Roxas pried his eyes open, instantly closed them again against the brightness of the room. He carefully opened one eye, squinting at tan complexion with raven hair before him. Last night was a fuzzy blur but he remembered that face. “Z-Zack?”

“Hey,” the man yawned and stretched. “Did you sleep okay?”

Roxas felt relieved that he remembered the name or this would be even more awful and awkward. “Yeah.” He rolled away from Zack and groaned as he tried to sit up. His head pounded, his mouth fuzzy as a carpet, limbs stiff and heavy, and his ass… _ow_.

Zack also moaned a little while raising himself. “I’ve not been this wasted in forever. _God._ Lemme—gonna get us a drink.” Blankets moved, mattress dipped.

Roxas squinted at Zack who crossed the floor buck naked. On realizing this, Roxas averted his eyes with embarrassment. Cold air against his skin sent a flush of panic through him. He grabbed as much of the blankets as possible, covering himself, and groaned again because everything hurt and his insides felt gross and sick.

He had—they had—Roxas buried his head under a pillow in mortification over his actions until a gentle tap on his flank roused him. Zack’s smiling face shined down at him and Zack held out a glass full of something green for him.

“Old family recipe. Grandpa swore that this stuff let him drink all night and still get up for work the next day.”

Roxas grunted in response, sat up as much as he could whilst keeping maximum blanket over himself and took the offered glass, thankful for something to distract himself from being naked and having a naked Zack sitting adjacent to him. Terrible didn’t even begin to describe how Roxas felt.

“Besides the obvious hangover, everything all right?” Zack asked in a caring manner, smiling that same warm smile which had hooked Roxas in so badly last night.

Should Roxas pretend everything was fine? Pretend he wasn’t close to having a massive freak out? “I’ve… never done something like this before. Slept with someone I didn’t even know, y’know. I’ve only been with two guys.”

A sympathetic hum left Zack and he said, “Was it okay for you?”

“Yeah. I… liked it. I… but, I don’t know. Is _this_ normal? Hanging out… _after?”_ Roxas swirled his weird earthy smelling drink and took a sip. Roxas winced, a revolted shudder running through his body. The drink left a bitter taste on his tongue and slightly chunky texture in his mouth made him gag.

Zack chuckled. “Yeah, not the greatest taste but full of good stuff.” He also chugged down a large portion of his own drink. “But your question? It’s not unheard of. I like you,” Zack shrugged.

Roxas’ head snapped up to focus on Zack. “I… no, I… I’m not after a… I mean, I like you too, but… but not like _that_. I couldn’t—”

Zack laughed lightly and put his hand on Roxas’ shoulder. “It’s all right, bud. Nothing to get flustered over. I didn’t mean I want to be your boyfriend or anything like that. I just mean you’re not creeping me out, so no need to kick you out. We’ll have breakfast if you want and I can take you to wherever you parked your car, after, and that’ll be the last of us seeing each other, okay?”

“Oh no. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t ever want to see you again. I… I’m sorry, I—”

Zack laughed and winced. “Ow, bud, stop making me laugh and relax. I’m not offended. I just mean if you didn’t want to stay in touch that’s fine. It’s normal. So, can I drive you back to your car?”

The relief Roxas felt was short-lived. Thinking about last night… the things leading up to Roxas meeting Zack… the thought constricted his throat a little. “I didn’t drive. Hayer—” he grimaced. “I’ll just taxi it home.”

“I can drive you back to your place if you want.”

“No, no. You have… don’t you have work?” Roxas looked around himself, trying to find a clock. The last thing he wanted to do was inconvenience Zack. He couldn’t imagine ever giving the excuse of, _‘Sorry I’m late for work. Had to drop a one night stand off at home.’_

“I do, but we woke up before my alarm so there’s lots of time.”

“No, I can’t bother you.”

“We’ll talk about it over breakfast, okay?” Zack smiled warmly.

Roxas relaxed a little and nodded. Zack possessed an irresistible and disarming charm. That damn smile brought warmth and joy into Roxas’ soul and made him feel at ease… though it didn’t vanquish the discomfort he felt over being naked. 

He pulled the blankets around himself a little tighter with his free hand. “C-can you… get dressed?” He fixated on looking at his glass, not feeling comfortable seeing Zack’s amazing body and huge dick in the brightness of day without any alcohol to protectively cocoon his sensibilities inside of.

Zack gave another tremendous laugh but then winced and held his head a little. “Shit, I gotta stop finding shit funny.” He breathed out a hissing breath. “Serves me right. I’ll get dressed and I’ll go find your clothes too.” Zack downed his drink and sauntered off, locating some pants discharged on the floor of the sparsely decorated bedroom and pulled them on. He then left and came back after a short while laying Roxas’ clothes on the bed. “They’re still damp. Want me to put them in the dryer?

“Ah… no it’ okay.”

“I can give you a shirt to wear while this is drying. You don’t have to wander around naked.”

Memory of Axel's no-pants rule flashed into Roxas’ mind, making him want to laugh and cry all at once. “Oh. Yeah, thanks. Okay then,” he muttered. He had felt self-conscious with Axel around… but it hadn’t been anything like this. He had felt excited to have Axel looking at him… Zack though… Zack just made him nervous and ashamed of himself. Roxas couldn’t get over what he had done last night.

Zack gave Roxas a very big jumper to wear. It came down nearly to his knees. After getting somewhat dressed Roxas stiffly ventured outside of the bedroom to see what Zack’s place looked like.

He found himself in a large, open-plan studio type of space. Most of the walls were made of warm brick, large windows were in one corner, with blinds drawn, making the hangover less painful to deal with than back in the bedroom.

Roxas walked through the space and observed the three distinct sections comprising of a kitchen, dining, and living area. The space’s functionality became apparent by the future that surrounded each area and the borders between tiles and timber flooring. There was a small dining table close to where the inbuilt kitchen benches lined one corner. A white lounge stood where the living room started and faced a wide-screen TV. Some gym equipment also stood around. Punching bag, squat rack, some medicine balls, and a bench press. There was also a small desk and a bookcase filled with books. In the back of the space, where Roxas had come out of were two doors, the bedroom and the bathroom next to it.

Roxas headed for the bathroom because he was bursting to relieve himself. While in there he washed his face and noticed embarrassing hickeys on his neck. He felt dirty not knowing if Zack, or one of the two other guys he had made out with last night, had left them. But he _did_ know who the bruised lips and bruised hips were from. He _definitely_ knew who left the ache in his backside. Roxas smiled at that thought. For a brief moment, he felt satisfied and glad he had done this. It had been so good. 

The positive feeling left him and Roxas exited the bathroom before the word 'whore’ had time to properly sink into his head. He made for the dining table, which stood laden with a small selection of things that looked like toast, cereal, coffee, fruit, and sausages.

“Oh, Roxas, there’s slippers by the door you can wear.” Zack stood at the stove, cooking something, but quickly pointed to the front door and a bench with shoes underneath it.

“Thanks.” Roxas shuffled over and found cute bunny slippers. The sight of the slippers amused him and eased some of his nervousness. He couldn’t erase last night, but he felt glad that it had been Zack who he had ended up with. It seemed the best scenario to come out of this bad situation. He slipped on the shoes and wiggled his toes, grateful to have his feet off the cold tiled floor. “What’re you doing with slippers like these?” he asked.

“They were a present from an old girlfriend,” Zack said almost defensively.

 _“Aa-ha._ I'm not judging,” Roxas teased and walked back to the dining table seating himself on one of the three high-backed chairs that stood there, but doing so carefully. He still couldn’t stop himself from hissing and wincing. Sitting down wasn’t going to be his friend today.

Zack came over from the kitchen and Roxas noticed the puppy dog slippers he wore. That definitely dislodged any remaining misgivings carried and caused him to laugh, but then wince because his head and butt still hurt. “Also from an old flame?” he nodded his head towards Zack's feet.

Zack looked down, wiggled his toes and beamed, “Nup, these are all mine.”

“Okay, _now_ I'm judging,” he tittered.

“No eggs for you then, buddy,” Zack threatened, holding out the frying pan with several fried eggs to illustrate what Roxas would miss out on.

“No, no. I’m sorry. They’re cute. Gimme!” Roxas held out his plate.

Eggs were relinquished and Zack walked the pan back to the kitchen and then returned with some white pills, laying them down on the table before Roxas. “Some aspirin. It won’t get rid of the hangover, but I see you limping and… I’m sorry about hurting you last night.”

Roxas smiled at Zack’s sweet thoughtfulness. “It didn’t hurt while we were… you know,” he couldn’t bring himself to openly say it. “It’s more just… an after-effect of getting my ass wrecked. I did ask for it.” 

Zack laughed. “You did. Glad I could deliver, I guess? But I’m still sorry. I hope you’ll feel better soon.”

Roxas nodded, smiling gently. Feeling awkward around Zack seemed like a challenge but he still much preferred to not talk about last night. Focus shifted and they devoured their breakfast while keeping the conversation on breakfast topics, like how good everything was, and any stories Roxas could think of revolving around breakfasts long gone – mostly centered on Sora because his cousin was ridiculous in the best way possible. It was a very pleasant breakfast and Roxas felt less weird around hanging out with a guy he had drunken sex with the night before.

A familiar song sounded all of a sudden, alerting Roxas to the uncomfortable fact that he didn’t know where his phone had gotten to and that he hadn’t seen it since last night at the bar. But he could hear it, so he knew it was around.

“Oh, is that your phone? I took it out of your pants before putting them in the dryer. It's on the coffee table.” Zack pointed to where the lounge stood. 

Roxas got up and retrieved it as fast as his sore body would let him. The screen displayed Sora’s name. Roxas didn’t know if he wanted to take it or not… but he decided to. Sora was probably worried.

 _“Rox! I’ve been messaging you forever! Is everything all right?”_ The anxiety in Sora’s voice was unmistakable through the phone receiver.

Roxas glanced at his phone and could see his message icon on the top bar. “I'm fine, I'm fine,” he attempted to reassure, sitting back down to finish his breakfast.

Sora sighed heavily, sounding relieved. _“I was ‘so’ worried about you. You didn’t get back to my messages. Hayner called last night and told me what happened—”_

“He did?”

_“Yeah.”_

“What exactly did he tell you that happened?” Roxas wanted to know how Hayner had spun the whole declaring-his-love-by-wanting-to-sleep-with-his-best-friend thing.

_“He said you two got drunk and had a fight and he said he's very sorry.”_

“For one, I wasn't drunk,” not at that point anyway, he thought to himself, casting a glance at Zack. “Secondly… did he tell you that he’s apparently _in love_ with me?”

_“What?”_

“Yeah, apparently enough in love to try and molest me.” Roxas stabbed at the sausage on his plate in irritation.

_“No way.”_

“Yes way. He can keep his apology. I'm not accepting it right now.”

Sora was quiet for a few moments before asking, _“He seriously… what? That’s so weird!”_

“Yep. You better ask him about that because I’m not talking to him right now.”

_“Wow, yeah okay. I might just—Hey, has that got anything to do with why Axel won’t talk to me? He’s been giving me the silent treatment since yesterday.”_

Roxas didn’t want to talk about it. Not in front of Zack, not with anybody. Not sober. “Just leave it alone.”

_“Roxas! You two didn’t have ‘another’ fight did you?”_

“We…” the way things had ended, in that quiet, heartbreaking resignation… Roxas tried to hold the tears at bay. He dropped his fork and cradled his head in his hand. He lacked the physical fortification to deal with a hangover _and_ torrential sadness all at once. “He called to apologize, but I didn’t take him back.” 

_“What! Why didn’t you?”_

“Because I don't have to live my life glued to other people,” he growled.

_“But he's—”_

“My soulmate. Exactly. Things will work out one day so butt out of this for once, okay?” Roxas returned to stabbing at his food with agitated futility.

_“Rox—”_

“Please just leave me alone. I can’t talk about it right now.”

A big inhale of breath followed a hectic, _“Where are you? I called your mom when you didn’t get back to me. She said you weren’t home. Is everything okay?”_

“Yeah. I stayed the night at… a friends place.” Eyes went to Zack who didn’t give any indication that he payed attention, focusing instead on devouring the things on his plate at an impressive pace. Roxas thought it nice that Zack at least _pretended_ not to be listening. “I need some time to think about what happened, so please just… no more questions. I’ll talk to you later. Promise.”

That seemed to pacify Sora somewhat and Roxas managed to get off the phone with him after a few more shutdowns and reassurances that everything would be fine.

Roxas put his phone down, sighed and shoveled the now-cold food into his mouth.

“Who was that?”

“Cousin.”

“You’re breakfast cousin?”

Roxas nodded.

“He sounds way more intense than your stories let on.”

“He is.” Roxas kept eating, being mindful of the time, despite not knowing when Zack had to head off to work.

Zack poked at his mostly empty plate with his fork for a while. Roxas cast him nervous glances. He felt like the man wanted to ask him something. Roxas was afraid of what that _something_ might be. He really didn’t want to talk about anything to anyone right now or maybe even for the rest of his life. But Zack’s fidgeting agitated Roxas so much so that he snapped, “What is it?” with a furious huff.

“What was that about soulmates?” Zack asked slowly.

Roxas groaned. “Sora thinks we’re soulmates—me and Axel. He doesn't understand why I’ve broken up with him.”

“Do you think you’re soulmates?”

He sighed and put his fork down, losing what little remained of his appetite. “When I first met him… I could probably see it. He… was really amazing. We…” he gave a begrudging sigh, “fit so well together.”

“He’s not now?”

“No. He is—I don’t know. He’s… there’s nothing wrong with him. Everything’s wrong with me. I’m the problem.”

Zack frowned and carefully said, “But he apologized. He wants to be with you. You can’t be that much of a problem if he wants that with you, right?”

Roxas wrinkled his nose. “I am. It doesn't matter. He won’t want me back anymore. Not after I dumped him. I’m sure he hates me. I’ve treated him like shit. I’m terrible to him. I’m horrible to everyone who gets close to me, and I’m not just saying that. It’s the actual truth. I’m doing everyone a favor by not being with anyone.”

“I'm sure that's not true.”

“You don't know me.” Roxas threw Zack an intense stare.

Zack took a moment's pause. His brow wrinkled slightly and he rubbed his lips together. “True, but I know someone like you. Cloud always says those same kinds of things and I don't see it. I don't believe it.”

Cloud… Zack really made it sound like Roxas had a fair bit in common with the other man. Zack had pretended—he pushed that thought aside. “How can you love him?” Roxas asked, curious and wanting to understand from a different perspective.

“I just do. Most of the time the things in our heads aren't true. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean others don't see your positive qualities.”

“Axel kept accepting me. No matter what I did. No matter how crummy I was to him. But there has to be a limit. Well… he dumped me. I guess that _was_ the limit… but then he wanted me back.” Roxas groaned. His head wasn’t in the right sort of way to think about this, and it wasn’t just because of the hangover either. “I'm sure this is the limit – dumping him and then sleeping with someone else a day after – wouldn't you hate it if Cloud did that to you?” Roxas looked up at the other man hoping he didn’t sound as desperate for an answer as he actually was.

Zack drank his coffee for a few moments before answering, “To be fair, I'm pretty sure it was well past midnight when we got back to my place, so… it’s been like two days.”

Roxas gave a half-smile. “Thanks for trying to make me feel better.”

“Not working?”

He shook his head and tried again, “If you finally had Cloud and he dumped you and then slept with someone else, wouldn't you hate him?”

Zack put the coffee mug down. “No matter what he did I could never hate him.”

“Why?”

“Because… he would never do things to hurt me… or anyone, intentionally. He only ever does things to protect people—in his own way. He does what he feels is right and because of the way he thinks about himself—like he’s nothing,” Zack grimaced, “well, that makes him do some things that might seem like he doesn’t care—when he does. So, that’s why. His heart’s in the right place but… the execution is a bit off because he doesn’t value himself.”

Roxas stayed silent, continuing to eat his breakfast so he could distract himself a little. He didn’t understand how people like Zack existed. He thought if the scenario no longer remained hypothetical Zack would change his tune, like Axel had.

“Why're you so busy trying to convince yourself that Axel hates you?” Zack asked, kicking back in the chair and folding his arms behind his head.

Roxas’ eyes flicked to Zack and then back to his plate. “Because I've done terrible things. And… it's what I deserve.”

Zack took a deep inhale of breath. Roxas looked over but regretted it immediately. The sadness in his eyes wasn't what Roxas wanted to see.

“Oh, Roxas. That's not right.”

“Don't pity me,” he said gruffly, distaste in his mouth.

“I'm not. But it makes me sad to hear you talking like that. A lot of the kids I deal with don't feel deserving of love and care, which,” he huffed a little and smiled with no mirth, “I guess is partly why I'm drawn to Cloud. When I see that kind of thinking in adults… it breaks my heart. No one should feel that way. No one should fear love. But I'm not pitying you. I don't pity Cloud either. I just want to prove to him that what he's thinking isn't true. I hope your Axel can prove to you that you’re not an awful person.”

Zack's words rubbed at Roxas, agitating him. He sat silently, glaring at his plate, not wanting to discuss this any further. “It's not up to Axel to make me feel better. I gotta do it myself,” he said more for his own benefit than Zack's.

“True, but—” Reprieve from the lecture came in that moment from a sweet melody emanating from somewhere. It got progressively louder. Zack stirred and stood up, fishing the phone from his pocket and silencing the sound. “Time to get up and go to work. You want me to drive you home?”

“No. I couldn't. You have to get to work.”

“Where do you live?” Zack started gathering up the plates and Roxas helped.

“In Woodbine.”

“Oh, that's near Taranga, right?” Zack said thoughtfully, whilst walking over to the kitchen area.

“Yeah.”

“Then I can definitely drop you off. I've got to go that way to get to work.”

“You're not just saying that, right?” Roxas looked up at him with suspicion.

“Definitely not.”

The two men heard a beep and Zack glanced over to where the two doors led to the other parts of his apartment. “Perfect timing. Your clothes should be dry now, or at least less wet than before. Just drop the dishes into the sink, thanks,” he motioned to the deep, metallic sink, “So, can I drive you home or what?” Zack leaned against the kitchen bench with one arm.

“If it's really no trouble, then sure.”

“Great!”

So it was decided. Roxas helped with the dishes, they both got dressed and then hopped into Zack's white sedan and drove off.

Roxas looked out the window at the wet world beyond. The rain hadn't eased off at all overnight, blanketing the city in a grim gloom and pea soup fog. Music from the radio filled the space between them.

“You still thinking about yesterday?” Zack asked.

“Yeah,” Roxas mumbled into the palm of his hand, which he used to prop up his chin with. “I can't believe I actually had a one night stand.”

“It's not so bad, is it?”

“I dunno. You do this kinda thing often?” he glanced over.

“Not often, just… when I need a distraction.”

“Like when Cloud gets a new girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Zack sighed.

“What're you going to do about it? You need to tell him.”

“Yeah,” Zack said in the same defeated sighing way like before.

“You can't keep sleeping with guys who remind you of him,” Roxas verbally jabbed him a bit.

A visible wince came across Zack's face. “I'm sorry about that. What I said last night… I shouldn’t have…”

Roxas waved it off. “Me and my ex did worse to each other. Don't worry about letting your mind wander.” He turned back to the window lest his embarrassment show too vividly.

“Thanks, Roxas. You're one cool dude.”

“I'm really not.”

“Shh. You are. So what're you gonna do about your Axel situation?”

“There is no situation. We're broken up and that's that.”

“But didn't you say you were soulmates?”

“I didn't. My cousin keeps saying it, like that would ever make it true.”

“I thought you said you thought you were.”

Roxas groaned a bit. “It felt like we were – when we first met. He felt like my special someone back when I was with Vanitas. Back when I couldn't have him. And now – when I had him – Sora kept going on and on about us being soulmates… it's kinda like I'm sick of it. Sick of hearing it. Sick of – being reminded.”

“Why? Soulmates sounds like a pretty great deal to me.”

“Because… because – what if we’re not, y’know. I keep getting stuck on the thought that how I feel about Axel is how I felt about Van, and I'm so fed up of it. I don't want to have another Vanitas in my life. And then… sometimes I think…” Roxas chewed on his lip, wincing a little because of the slight bruising from last night. Was he _really_ about to air this to a stranger? He looked over at Zack, and received a cheerful smile. 

Roxas sighed and went on, “What if I only fell for Axel because I was with Vanitas? Like… he was so horrible to me that anyone showing me kindness was just… beyond amazing. What if I’m blind to all the bad things about Axel because he seems too good to be true right now? And… if I was only with him because he was nice to me when everything else was so shit… well… that’s not fair on him or me, right? I just… don’t know. I don’t want the past to ever repeat itself. ”

“You make a fair point. You've definitely got to look after yourself and make sure you don't get mistreated.”

“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” Roxas glanced at Zack who returned a tight lipped smile. It was refreshing to hear someone not fight with him for once.

“How you’re feeling is valid, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” Zack continued, while concentrating hard on the road. 

Roxas smiled sadly. A strange mix of joy and sorrow made his head heavy.

“You know,” Zack breathed out gently, “it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.”

“I guess I have?”

Zack hummed. “You should have more faith in yourself. You should trust yourself more. Back yourself and your feelings, and… don’t let fear hold you down, bud. Don’t stop yourself from being with someone you love, especially not because of a past bad relationship. Don’t be a prisoner to your past.”

Roxas pressed his lips together trying to stop the tickle in his nose from getting worse and spreading up to his eyes. “Thanks,” he uttered.

They drove on in silence for a while. The city landscape and traffic passing by. The radio played a muted tune, and the wheels roared along the road.

Out of the blue, Zack asked, “What makes your cousin so sure you two are meant to be together?”

“Oh, he says it's his superpower. Says he can just tell. It's a feeling he gets when he looks at people.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It's dumb.”

“Hey – does his superpower work on photographs?”

“He says it does, yeah. Why?”

“If I get you a picture of Cloud and me together you think he could tell from that?”

Roxas huffed gently with amusement. “Yeah. Definitely.”

“Cool. Is it all right if you could chase that up for me?”

“Yeah. But only if it means you do something about your pining situation – even if Sora doesn't think you guys are soulmates, okay?”

Zack grinned. “Yeah, deal. There's no way he wouldn't think so though,” Zack said, wearing the biggest smile.

* * *

 

The last few days in Atlantica were filled with a lot of planning. It kept him so busy that he had no time to ponder his personal issues. Plenty of phone calls were made to his father's side of the family, sorting out his accommodation, and just catching up. He also had court stuff to figure out, which took the most time, and ultimately was the reason he needed to visit Forrester.

He needed witness statements, police reports, and even needed to track down a copy of his medical history and hospital discharge papers. This trip basically forced Roxas to look at everything unpleasant that had ever transpired between himself and Vanitas in his quest for evidence. To say it made him uncomfortable was an understatement. To compound the discomfort all of this took place so close to their should-have-been eight-year anniversary… it proved a bit too much to handle.

Relief came when Sora sprung a surprise going-away party for Roxas, on Wednesday night.

Alfie’s home was the designated chosen venue since his place had the biggest backyard and entertainment area of all Sora’s and Roxas’ mutual friends. Both friends and family were invited and mingled in the backyard for the going away party. There were so many familiar faces present – except for Hayner’s.

It bothered Roxas. They hadn't spoken since Sunday night. Hayner had stopped messaging him since that day and it didn't sit well with Roxas. He sent a message asking Hayner to come over.

Time passed without a reply from Hayner. Roxas was in the middle of a conversation with one of his aunt's, promising to not be a stranger and come over for Christmas (suspecting she was so gung-ho about it because she wanted to make him an unsightly Christmas sweater with a cheesy pun on it) when he heard a loud cheer going up from his group of friends. He caught sight of Hayner which caused the heaviness in his heart to roll off and be replaced with nervousness.

They locked eyes and Roxas managed to excuse himself after some time, slipping off toward a corner of the garden where there were no floodlights set up to draw attention to him as the sun set on a nice summer’s evening. He parked his butt against an old, dried up birdbath and waited for Hayner, who threw him glances whenever he got caught up talking to someone whilst on his way over to Roxas.

Eventually, Hayner made it which made Roxas’ anxious heart drum up a storm.

“Hey,” Hayner said, leaving a good four feet between them.

“Hi.” Roxas quirked his lips up into a briefly-held half-smile.

They observed each other in silence. The chatter and music of the party served as a steady background sound.

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“Thanks for coming.”

It was awkward.

Hayner’s hands were in his pockets. His shoulders slumped and his head remained bowed while he kicked at the dirt on the ground.

Roxas’ chest felt heavy with discomfort. “You still feel the way you said you felt about me?”

Hayner gave a very restrained nod.

Roxas groaned quietly. It really hadn’t been drunken stupor? He pushed off the birdbath and took a few steps towards Hayner. “What the heck, man! I stood up for you – for our friendship. I broke up with someone I really care about because of you – because our friendship means a lot to me. But… you lied to me!”

Hayner’s head snapped up. “Hey! What did I ever lie about?” Roxas inhaled sharply. He really had to try and cool it. He still wanted to make up with Hayner after all, or at least try to understand what exactly had happened and _how_ it all had so colossally gone wrong. So, with clenched fists, he tried to talk through the bubbling upset, “You weren’t sincere in trying to help me. I trusted you. I went to you for help – with Axel – with myself. You… used me. You told me stuff because you… you have feelings for me and you can’t tell me that didn’t make you want to tell me things that were going to fuck me over with Axel.”

“I… I – yeah, maybe some things, but not all. Not all, Rox. I told you things to help you. I always want to help you because we are friends. We’ll always be friends, first and foremost… right?”

“Friend’s don’t get their friends drunk to sleep with them!” Roxas half-yelled.

Hayner winced. “Hey! Y-you were the one who invited me out. You were the one who wanted to get wasted.” Hayner’s voice gained a bit of volume. He held his head up more, and a frown and glare began to manifest on his face. “I just… felt a little more courageous and… well, sue me for trying to take my chance when the opportunity came to tell you how I felt.”

“Opportunity?” Roxas’ eyes bugged out. “I came to you because I _needed_ a friend, not a sleaze bag. If I wanted that I would have gone clubbing all by myself and let that hairy guy hit on me some more.”

“Fuck off, I’m not sleazy,” Hayner bit back.

“You kissed me,” Roxas almost shouted but managed to reign it in at the last second.

“And you kissed back,” Hayner snapped.

Roxas huffed and threw his hands up in the air with exasperation, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. He turned away from Hayner for a moment to try and cool off. He could hear Hayner behind him breathing heavily.

When he turned around again he saw Hayner sitting on the grass, hunched in on himself.

“Why’re we yelling and having this fight?” Hayner asked when Roxas approached.

“I dunno. I’m frustrated.” Roxas sat down with his back pressed up against Hayner’s back.

“Me too.”

“You really like me? In _that_ kinda way?” Roxas looked behind himself a little where he could see nothing but Hayner's blond hair.

“Yeah.”

“Why? What happened? You’ve never—just why?”

Hayner’s head raised and turned around. Their eyes met and then drifted apart again. “I’m sorry, Rox. Really. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I'm sorry. I think I've just been really down lately because things just aren't working out. Not with Sophie, or Veronica. So I thought things might… well, maybe they would be better if I tried dating a guy. I've been trying to figure myself out for a while now and then you came back and… you're my best friend and—God, I feel so awkward saying this but,” Hayner grumbled a bit before he got out, “you're hot, okay. I never noticed before now but you are. And because I never noticed before now I've started thinking, and that’s made me feel really confused about a lot of things.”

“God, Hay… is that why… you’ve been asking me a lot of weird things lately? You’ve been coming out to places you’d never normally go to, and wearing things you’d never… but I just thought it’s ‘cause you’ve changed and I’ve been a bad friend and away for too long. I never thought—” Roxas turned around, looking at the back of Hayner. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been a bad friend.”

“No. No, you haven’t. I mean, yeah, it sucks that you haven’t been around. I could really use someone to talk to about all these weird feelings and I know Sora’s always around—” 

“Yeah, but you’ve never been super close to Sora,” Roxas said quietly. “I’m your best friend. The one you’ve told everything to.” Roxas felt incredibly sad for having left Hayner in such a lurch. “I should have been there for you. Helped you sort through your questions and feelings.”

Hayner turned around a little, giving Roxas a happy smile but tears also gathered in his eyes. “You had your own problems to deal with.”

Roxas hated Vanitas for having put such distance between him and his friends. And then Roxas hated himself for having let Vanitas do those things to him. “I’ll be here for you, Hay. I swear. I’ll be around a lot more. We’ll talk. We’ll sort through stuff. I’ll be your best friend, but… I can’t be more than that. I love you, but… not like that.”

Hayner’s smile stretched with pain but he kept smiling anyway and nodded. “Yeah, I understand. I’ve been thinking about… what happened. I’m sorry about all that. I’m sorry for pushing myself on you. I guess the drinking didn’t help. Knowing you broke up with your guy just made me… I dun even know. I got confused and hopeful and maybe even desperate. I became fucking _disgusting_.” He frowned.

“Oh geez, wanting to be with me is an act of desperation? Thanks,” Roxas said playfully, a smile dancing on his lips, hoping to make Hayner feel better.

Hayner huffed with a small laugh. “Not what I mean. More like… I’ve just been desperate to not have my life suck anymore. I’ve got all these weird feelings for you – or maybe I’m just desperate to have feelings for someone. Not having anyone sucks. And, look, honestly I do feel jealous of you always being in a relationship, and I don’t know if that’s ‘cause I’m jealous of you, or jealous of the other guys because I want you with me. And I don’t even know if that’s ‘cause I miss my BFF or because I want you as a… a… boyfriend.” Hayner swallowed.

Roxas gave him a soft smile. He found Hayner super cute right now. “That’s really sweet of you. Never knew you were such a softy,” he giggled. 

Hayner’s lip quirked up a little, he shrugged one shoulder and looked down at the dry grass.

Roxas’ amusement mellowed out again. “You shouldn’t be jealous of me. My relationships haven’t exactly been fairy tale stuff.”

“You don’t need a fairy tale when you’ve got a _soulmate_.” Hayner rolled his eyes, and Roxas huffed with laughter.

“Things aren’t exactly working out with my soulmate though, are they?”

They both smiled at each other.

“I’m sorry if I made things difficult between you and Axel.”

Roxas sighed and waved his hand. “It’s not your fault. I mean, it would have been better if you told me all this stuff sooner and if… us kissing,” Roxas cringed a little on the inside from discomfort, “had never happened, but… we can’t really change that now.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

Roxas reached out, squeezing Hayner’s shoulder.

“We’re still friends, right?” Hayner’s eyes lifted, warily.

Roxas gave him a tight-lipped smile and pulled Hayner into a hug, which was returned a fraction later. “The best of friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It's one of my favourites. A lot happened and, clearly, I love Zack and this was pure self-indulgence 😋
> 
> I will be getting KH3 tomorrow. I will be playing it, but I will also keep updating chapters. At around 28/29 there might be a slowdown because I'm struggling with deciding the direction of the story and doing re-writes.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me and The Two Penguins 💋 💖👍 🐧 🐧


	26. Forrester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas returns to where it all began and has to figure out a way to deal with the emotional toll it is taking on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side-ship warning.

Returning to Forrester proved harder on Roxas than he first anticipated. Everything reminded him of some once-cherished-memory now-turned-to-sludge. Everything left a bitter taste in his mouth. The main shopping area of this medium-sized city, the parks, the University – they all drudged something up for him as he was driven past all these locations by his taxi driver on the way to Roxas’ grandparents' place, where he was staying. The tour through the city was incredibly uncomfortable because he had no escape from his thoughts, but once he got to his grandparents’ house, he thankfully forgot all of the terrible things because he got caught up in family reunion business.

Yet, any reprieve he attained during the day quickly evaporated as night fell. Roxas attempted to settle down for sleep but couldn’t quiet his mind. It felt so weird being back in Forrester, despite it having been less than a year since he had lived here with Vanitas. So much had happened to him in this city. Worst of all, it seemed like a lifetime ago, whilst simultaneously feeling like only yesterday. It didn't feel like there would ever be enough distance between himself and his past. In the dark, coming here felt like a mistake. Coming here alone felt like the worst mistake.

He couldn’t get comfortable on the bed so went about digging around his suitcase. He found his lamp, took it out from underneath a bundle of clothes and cradled it between his legs. 

His thoughts drifted to Vanitas and how that relationship would never mend. He hugged the lamp. The thought of the same happening between himself and Axel sickened him. He didn’t want things going the same way. Energy surged through him at that moment and he rose to his knees, took the lamp and searched in the dark for a power outlet. 

He plugged the lamp in, played around with the Wi-Fi, and with a deep breath touched it, lighting up the room in a soft blue glow. Roxas crawled back into bed and looked at his phone for a while, composing several messages to Axel but deleting them all. His gaze flicked restlessly towards the lamp, which shined steadily, and unwavering. 

Since Forrester was a two-hour flight west of Atlantica, and Pensacola a three-hour flight east of Atlantica, the time difference proved even greater now between himself and Axel. The man was probably asleep, and Roxas thought he should get some shut-eye himself, but he stayed awake, watching the light and clutching his phone in his hand. 

His mind drifted to Axel – to all the good times – to the bad – to the parts where Roxas had felt at his worst and Axel had been there to comfort and support him. Why Axel had been so nice to him, he didn't know. Roxas hated the idea that it had all been because of Axel feeling guilty for having failed his friend. Roxas didn't want to be a replacement… which was precisely why he also needed to keep away from Axel, because he teetered on the edge of becoming a hypocrite – an even bigger one than he already was. The thing that happened with Zack… Roxas didn't want to think about it. He felt ashamed, especially because he had really liked it. That thought tightened his throat.

Roxas got up again, dug through his suitcase and through the tears managed to find the penguin he had stowed in a safe pocket of the suitcase. He crawled back into bed, the little pewter statue pressing into his palm whilst he held his phone, thumbing out a message to Axel after days of radio silence. 

message header: **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 22:39 I’m sorry. Can I buy you a drink some time?  
  


It was probably too little too late, but it was the best he could come up with. If they couldn't be together, he at least wanted to try and stay friends. He owed Axel so much – too much to convey through a lousy text message. Roxas kept looking at his lamp, at his phone, at the penguin. He drifted off some time after midnight.

* * *

 

When he woke again, the lamp was switched off. Roxas groggily looked around his small bed for his phone and on locating it faced disappointment’s brunt force. Axel hadn’t replied. Hadn’t even tried to call. Roxas struggled with not letting it affect him, instead focusing on what he needed to accomplish today. The list was long and uncomfortable.

After he spent time making and having breakfast with his grandparents, he left for the day with a list he had made of the things he needed to find. Thinking of this as a scavenger hunt made the next several hours bearable. 

The first place he stopped at was his GP. She had been his family doctor for as long as he could remember and she had shown grave concerns for him, when he had begun coming in with all sorts of minor injuries – well, maybe broken fingers weren't all that minor. Roxas told himself he needed to stop downplaying all the abuse he had suffered at the hands of Vanitas – so he came right out and explained what had happened with him. His doctor expressed great relief over Roxas having gotten out of that relationship and provided him with copies of the relevant medical records and reports, as well as a letter of support. She also strongly suggested he see a therapist, provided him with a referral to someone she recommended, and then wished him all the best, giving him a lollipop out of habit. Roxas greatly appreciated the gesture. 

Next, he went to the police station to see what he could achieve there, and that’s where his day slowed down to a crawl, filled with explaining over and over again what he was there for. He had to wait while many phone calls were made to the police station back in Pensacola, the courthouse, and the only reasons Roxas was called upon was to verify his identity half a dozen times.

In the end, he got a copy of the original report made, which he never saw until now. He never knew who made the call to the police. Looking at the name now didn’t give him any insight into things either, but it must have been someone who lived in his former apartment block.

Roxas sighed as he ventured out onto the street. The sun sat low in the sky. He caught sight of it, as he wandered through the streets of this big, yet not so densely packed city. He went home to spend the rest of the evening playing cards with his grandmother and choosing to ignore the fact that there hadn’t been a single message from Axel, or that he had come home to his lamp not illuminated.

* * *

 

Roxas helped his grandparents around the house. He got the grocery shopping done for them, worked in the garden; trimming the hedge running along the property boundary line, mowing the lawn, and repairing the broken light fixtures with some duct tape and a screwdriver. Eventually, he ran out of things to do and could no longer procrastinate – he had to return to his former home to see if he could get any other witness statements in writing or otherwise. 

The 'otherwise’ seemed like a stretch too far so he didn’t hold out hope for it. All the neighbors he was on very good terms with were quite elderly and the one who wasn't… it just wasn't a comfortable situation.

Roxas received a driving lesson from his uncle, getting dropped off a few streets away from his old apartment block. He didn't want anyone knowing what he was up to. He really wanted to handle his mess on his own, as much as possible, to avoid the embarrassment of his extended family knowing about the breakup… though, truthfully, his mother had probably already told some of them. News always traveled fast in his family. Roxas considered it a miracle that they hadn't all asked him about it already. It was a small blessing.

Roxas nervously made his way through familiar streets to the familiar building. The stressed out anxiety wasn’t as bad as when he went to his old place in Pensacola when he knew Vanitas was still there. But this wasn't easy either. Shadows of the past grabbed at him and filled him with old, dreadful feelings. He buzzed the intercom and waited.

 _“Hello?”_ a crackly voice inquired.

“Ms. Russo, it’s me, Roxas Shaw. Could I come up and have a chat over some muffins?” 

He had stopped by a local bakery, to try and sweeten the deals he came here to sell. It wasn't bribery, no way.

_“Roxas? Is that really you?”_

“Yes. Can I come up?”

 _“Yes, of course, dear.”_ The door buzzed and Roxas ascended the stairs, too late to realize he could have taken the elevator. Old habits died hard, especially in this place.

Most of the people he had grown familiar with lived on the tenth floor, where he had lived as well. Weird didn't even begin to describe how the feelings and memories almost instantly reignited as soon as he stepped foot into the building. Outside there had been ghosts, in here, it was vivid, vibrant, and alive. The smell of the conditioner used on the carpets, the way sound reverberated along the walls, and even the feel of the air itself prickling his skin brought everything back. It wasn't a good nostalgia. The only good thing was that Vanitas wasn't there. It helped some way in relaxing his hypervigilant nervous system.

Finally, he reached his floor. He tried to ignore his old door but his body tensed, jaw clenched, and his heart gave a jolt. He headed down the hall to the far right, giving a _‘shave and a haircut, two bits’_ knock and waited. 

Old Ms. Russo's voice sounded, _“Roxas?”_

“Yes, ma’am.”

The door cracked open a fraction and the security chain was engaged. Tired, spectacled peepers peered around the edge of the door and then widened slightly. The door closed again and opened a moment later.

“Roxas, it really _is_ you! Come in, come in.”

Roxas gave a warm smile and spent the next hour and a half reassuring his former neighbor that he was fine, while they munched on muffins. He also helped mend some of her old drapes, as she was much too poor of eyesight to do needlework any more. While he sewed, he tried to work up the courage to ask her to be a character witness for him, but in the end, couldn't bring himself to do it. She was too sweet and old. Roxas didn't want to make her worry about his court issues with Vanitas. Instead, he said a fond farewell to make up for the lack of one back when Vanitas had made him pack and leave rather abruptly.

He stood out in the white-walled and turquoise-carpeted hallway and marched himself to another apartment a bit closer to the elevator, where he knocked on the door and waited.

After a few moments, a man's voice sounded through the door. _“Who is it?”_

“Roxas Shaw.”

The door opened, “Roxas?”

“Hello Peter,” he smiled and held up the box of muffins. There were still some left. “Mind if I come in?”

The door opened wider and a portly gentlemen in his late sixties stepped aside, admitting Roxas with a warm smile.

They got comfortable at the kitchen table and Roxas’ time there was much like his conversation with Ms. Russo. Peter was a little hardier in constitution, so Roxas could explain his situation without worrying about the man getting upset on Roxas’ behalf. This time Roxas felt more at ease asking for a written witness statement, as Peter had been there the night the police had been called. Peter agreed to have it written up for Roxas to pick up by next week. 

After many handshakes and thank yous, Roxas stood in the hallway again. He tried two more doors, but no one seemed to be home so he made for the elevator. He kept eyeing his old apartment door while waiting for the elevator to arrive. He wondered who lived there now. He wondered if the holes in the walls had been patched up and the stains in the carpets all gotten out. He hoped that whoever lived there had a happier time than Roxas had experienced. 

He really felt dumb for staying with Vanitas for as long as he did. Moving to Pensacola had been such an eye-opener for him. Axel had been…. Roxas clenched his jaw and braced his core against that thought and looked ahead of himself at the elevator door, which chimed.

The doors slid open.

_“Roxas?”_

Roxas’ heart gave a start and a hot flush crept over him as he took in the sight of a man with brunet hair, deep blue-gray eyes, and a well-built frame, dressed in dark jeans, a leather jacket, and carrying several grocery bags.

Roxas took a step back, as the man got off the elevator. “Leon,” he said with a start.

A smile cracked the stern façade. “Roxas, you're back?”

They stood across from each other in the spacious hallway. Roxas felt uncomfortable in his own skin, wishing he could have avoided this at all costs. He quietly said, “I’m just… visiting Ms. Russo, and Peter. Garjan and Tricia don’t seem to be home.”

“Tricia moved and Garjan works most Saturdays,” Leon informed.

Roxas nodded and rubbed his hand along his arm, looking down the hall.

“Do you have some time? Do you want to come over? I can cook us something to eat. I was just out shopping.” Arms moved, drawing attention to the bags.

“I—” Roxas had to make a decision. He purposely hadn’t knocked on Leon’s door. The universe seemed unusually cruel today. Roxas felt stuck. It would be too rude to refuse, especially after telling Leon he visited or attempted to visit everyone else. “I don’t want to intrude or bother you.”

“You’ve never been a bother. I would love to have you over.”

And just like that, the wish to disappear vanished and the familiar flutter Roxas had always gotten, when he had been around Leon, stirred. He smiled, feeling a little embarrassed and went to grab at some of the shopping bags. “Let me help.”

They went to Leon’s front door, which stood opposite of Roxas’ old apartment. The memory of his former dwelling burned into his back as he stood waiting for Leon to open the door. Immense relief washed over him when the door opened and he passed through it.

“Make yourself at home,” Leon gestured with a nod and hung the house keys up fastidiously on a row of hooks by the door. Leon then went to the kitchen. 

Roxas followed, knowing this layout well, and not just because it was a mirror image of his own former apartment. He had spent a fair few locked-out-of-his-own-place nights sleeping on Leon’s couch or staying up with Leon, whilst he had waited for Vanitas to send a text saying he was allowed back home.

All the late nights Roxas had spent in Leon’s company, they barely had talked about what went on between himself and Vanitas. Leon wasn’t the most talkative or open guy Roxas had ever met, and at that time in his life, it had been perfect, because he really hadn’t wanted to talk about, or even look at his situation. But Leon had been a very steady and comforting presence in Roxas’ life, which coincidentally was the reason why Vanitas had been so angry with Roxas during the last few months of them living in Forrester.

“How have you been?” Roxas asked, making to help pack some of the foodstuffs away as Leon pulled the groceries out and neatly placed them on the kitchen bench.

“All right. Nothing much has changed. Work and scouts are still the same. I am planning a trip to see some friends next year.”

“Oh, that sounds exciting.”

“It’s not really.” Leon closed the fridge door and folded the now-empty reusable bags. “What about you? I’ve been very worried.” He braced his lower back against the kitchen counter. 

Roxas closed the cupboard, after stowing away the boxes of dried pasta, and slowly turned to face the other man. “I’m okay, as you can see.” He smiled, but it fell flat as blue-gray eyes bored into him. “Can we go sit down?” Roxas pointed at the couch, towards the center of the open living space.

Leon took a long moment to look at the couch, then at Roxas, and then towards the kitchen cupboards. “I would like to make you dinner.”

Roxas told himself to relax. Leon was a very hospitable guy, had always shown Roxas kindness… but that didn’t _mean_ anything. “Thank you, but I can’t accept. I have a family gathering to attend tonight.”

“Oh.” Leon looked at his watch. “It’s almost five now.”

“Yeah, It’s fine. I’ve got time to talk a bit before I have to be at the restaurant.”

Leon nodded and pushed off the kitchen counter, leading the way to the couch where Roxas made sure to sit as far from Leon as possible. He had always found the man attractive. From his stylish clothes to his luscious looking hair. His cool, aloof attitude and his non-talkativeness gave off a very down-to-earth kind of vibe. It had all been so incredibly appealing to Roxas because Leon had always made time and space for him. He had always invited him in and been a pool of calming serenity in the volatile eruption-prone existence Roxas had experienced with Vanitas. Roxas liked that most of all about Leon.

All those things together had really tested Roxas, but he had always stayed faithful to Vanitas. He had never let himself become emotionally involved with Leon. He had never opened up about anything. He had never let himself be vulnerable. Not like with Axel.

Sitting there on that couch made him think for the first time how much the thought of not seeing Leon again had hurt somewhere deep in his soul. He remembered it now – the fear of being stranded in a new city with no friends or support. He had cried that first night in Pensacola. He had felt completely alone and banished from his former life because he had done a bad thing by relying on Leon for a shred of sanity and calm. Vanitas had denied Roxas access to the one good thing in his life.

Roxas frowned at his hands, folded on his lap. Vanitas’ accusations bombarded him suddenly. It had been upsetting to deal with back then, and even now it left a bad taste in his mouth. And a small part in him wished all the nasty, scandalous things Vanitas said _had_ been true. He wished he had affairs, slept around, and that he was dishonest. Most of all though, he wished he didn’t care like Vanitas had always insisted of him. He wished he had never loved Vanitas. Roxas thought that the Roxas of Vanitas’ imagination sounded like a way more fun and carefree guy. 

Roxas had envied that other Roxas so much. He had lain on this very couch, having those exact thoughts many times before. He had been thinking and _wishing_ that he could live the life that Vanitas imagined he was living.

Roxas still wished for that. Maybe he was getting closer to it now. He did have a one night stand after all. He smiled at the memory of Zack. The guy had been in touch and they were now following each other on social media. Roxas really hoped that Zack and Cloud would end up together.

Leon cleared his throat, startling Roxas out of his wandering thoughts. “Yeah, uh, sorry. What?”

Leon gave a tight-lipped smile. “What have you been up to? Where did you go?”

“Ah, well… actually, I’ve been doing a lot of things.” Roxas smiled brightly, but it fell away and a sigh dragged itself out of him. Where would he even begin to explain? “I moved to Pensacola. I met some wonderful people there who have been really helpful. I… I’ve actually broken up with Vanitas.”

“You did?” Leon leaned forward, the look of surprise on his face completely foreign to Roxas.

Roxas nodded and smiled. His heart still ached. Some days he felt relieved, and other times he hurt. Most days though, he felt a conflicting mix of the two. Today was definitely an aching and hollow sort of a day.

“How did it go?”

A sad huffed-out laugh left Roxas. “As good as can be expected, I guess. He was very angry. He assaulted my—” Roxas stopped, not knowing how to quantify Axel and what he even meant to Roxas. “Friend,” he tried. Roxas wasn't sure if Axel would be happy to even be called a friend anymore. “I filed for a restraining order against Vanitas, but he’s making my life a bit challenging right now. It’s why I’m here, actually, in Forrester. I need to gather a bunch of stuff as evidence for the next court date,” he said, looking back down at his fingers and steepled them on his lap.

Leon took in the information. Lips pursed. “I hope it’s not too forward of me to say, but I'm relieved to hear that you aren’t with Vanitas anymore.”

“Me too,” Roxas said, quietly.

“Things are okay for you now? Is there anything I can help with?”

“Oh, things are okay. Um… maybe if you could write me something about what you remember from that day the police came? I don’t know if you remember that or not.” 

“Of course I remember. I’m the one who called them.”

Roxas’ stomach dropped. “T-that was _you?_ You’re—” Roxas tried to remember the name he had seen on the report, “Squall Leonhart?”

Leon nodded and Roxas sat dumbfounded. He had never known Leon’s full name. He suddenly felt inexplicably dumb. Leon… Leonhart…. He buried his face in his palm and groaned. He had never been told who reported it to the police, but having read over the statement yesterday… he really wasn't very sharp.

“Is there a problem?”

Roxas’ hand dropped away from his face and he looked at Leon. “Huh? No. No. I just… I got the statement you made from the police. I didn’t realize it was you. I feel so stupid—Thank you. _Thank you_ for calling them, Leon. I… I really appreciate it. Getting out of here… it’s really changed my life… in a good way.” His chest inflated with a big breath of air and tears tickled his eyes and nose.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Leon said quietly. A smile even lit up his face.

“Can I… can I make it up to you somehow? Can I thank you somehow?” He suddenly felt indebted to Leon.

Leon crossed his arms as he thought about it. Eyes focused on Roxas again after a moment. “Will you be staying here for a while or are you going back to Pensacola soon?”

“I’m here for a little bit over two weeks.”

Leon did more thinking. Roxas wondered what he was contemplating but he didn’t have to wait too long.

“I would like to take you out for dinner some time.”

Roxas leaned back a bit, surprised. “Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay. But I’ll pay.”

Leon nodded and Roxas smiled.

“Is there anything else I can help you with? For your court case? A family member went through a divorce and it sounded like hell.”

“Ah, well, it shouldn’t be anything bad like that. We were never married, so I guess that’s lucky. Um… but…” Roxas bit his lip. Could he ask it of Leon?

“What’s on your mind?”

Roxas hummed indecisively. “I… I was hoping I could get someone to come to the court hearing with me and stand as a witness. It’s why I came over today, but I couldn’t ask it of Ms. Russo or Peter. I know that’s a huge thing to ask and I’m definitely not asking it of you—”

“I’ll do it,” Leon said without hesitation.

Roxas’ hands slid down to his knees as he leaned forward. “What? Really?”

“Yes.”

Roxas sat, taken aback and mouth hanging open slightly. “Y-you’d come to Pensacola and sit in court for me? Getting grilled by Vanitas’ lawyer?”

Leon mulled something over in his head and then said, “Do you think it would help you? Will it make a difference?” 

Roxas nodded before he was able to say, “Yeah, I… I really do think it will help me with my case.”

A stern look sat on Leon’s face and he nodded. “Then I’ll do it.”

Had he heard right? “But I can’t ask you to do that for me.”

“I want to do it for you. The way he treated you was never right. I was very worried when you vanished. I even considered that I had done the wrong thing, making a report that night.”

Roxas shook his head. “No, no, definitely not. It really was the best thing… one of the best things that happened to me. Thank you.”

“You don’t need to keep thanking me. Anyone would have done what I did.”

Roxas frowned. The police had never come knocking when Vanitas had blown up at Roxas back in Pensacola. Nobody but Axel had cared. Roxas’ heart ached at that thought and he tried to disregard it. “No. You’re the only one who had my back. And… you keep having my back. You will seriously come with me? You can say no, it’s all right if you do.”

“I’m quite adamant.”

Roxas sighed with relief and felt elevated. A smile spread from ear to ear. “Wow. Thank you.” He scooched over, closing the distance between them and gave Leon a big hug. One of Leon’s arms reluctantly went around Roxas’ waist, reciprocating the hug. Roxas became aware that this might be awkward for Leon. The man had never so much as shook his hand, so this probably seemed beyond rude. Roxas pulled away, “I’m sorry. Thank you so much, Leon.”

The man’s skin had a reddish hue to it and he cleared his throat, “Really, you need to stop thanking me.”

Roxas was about to apologize again but stopped himself. “Ah – yeah, it’s a bad habit I’m trying to kick.” He smiled and let the ‘sorry’ sit on the tip of his tongue.

Roxas didn’t spend too much longer at Leon’s. They exchanged numbers and organized a place and time to meet up for dinner the next day, and with that, Roxas left to meet his father’s side of the family at a restaurant in the cities’ inner limits.

* * *

 

The two and a bit weeks in Forrester flew by for Roxas. Though a more precise description of Roxas’ experience would have been that the days flew by, but the nights dragged. He still had several things to collect for the court hearing, so that kept him busy. He also kept up his driving lessons, roping in family members wherever possible, and he also had a couple of old university friends he managed to get ahold of and have frivolous conversations with… when he felt in the mood to do so. It made time pass quickly, but the nights were when his mind wandered and his eyes stayed transfixed on the lamp and phone, both of which stayed dark and silent.

He ached to hear from Axel. He sent several more messages apologizing and various generic inquiries as to how Axel was doing. Nothing netted him so much as an emoji. Roxas thought he would go mad if he didn’t occupy himself somehow, so he went out on nights where his brain would not let him sleep. Some of those nights were spent out with friends and family, others just by himself, and then some nights they were spent going out with Leon.

Their first dinner together had been pleasant enough, albeit also a little awkward because Leon wasn’t a master of conversation and Roxas’ life was too dull and his experience too limited to draw on anything to amuse Leon with. Despite this, Leon asked Roxas out for another meal, several times actually. Roxas tried not to think anything of it. Leon was being nice and caring like he had always been. That thought, however, didn’t douse the nice feelings inside himself.

Roxas didn’t want to admit it to anyone, let alone himself, but as he spent time with Leon, sitting across from him, having meals, feeling their arms brush together as they walked around, and as they stood together waiting for Roxas’ bus to arrive at the end of each of their nights, he did have passing thoughts of how nice it might be if they were on actual dates.

He entertained the thought that Leon actually liked him and pretended for brief, flittering moments that they were boyfriends. Those thoughts warmed Roxas up a little. He felt less alone, and Leon made the burden of being in Forrester, with its thick, entangling roots of bad memories, more bearable. 

Was it so bad to try and make a few nice memories? Was it terrible to _maybe_ live the kind of life that Vanitas had accused him of? Even if they were built on an imaginary scenario? Roxas didn’t think there was any harm in pretending. Leon seemed to enjoy his company enough to invite him out almost every second evening and Roxas was happy to have somewhere to be, so it felt safe to indulge in this dream.

They had eaten at all sorts of places and gradually their conversations came out less stilted. Leon opened up with time, relaxing around Roxas. He smiled more… it was a very nice smile. He listened to Roxas, attentively and without interruption, and Roxas returned the same favor. This was how Roxas discovered that he didn’t have much in common with Leon, but he was happy to listen and be educated about a variety of topics, such as assault weapons, classical music, and outdoor survival strategies. Well, maybe the last bit interested him a little bit and got them talking about camping. On that particular topic, Roxas _did_ , in fact, have many fond memories to share, and he also loved hearing Leon’s past experiences as well. 

“I’ve always loved camping under the stars with dad. I used to do it a lot when I was a lot younger, living here. The nights just aren’t as dark in Atlantica or Pensacola,” Roxas lamented.

“Light pollution is a big problem. I take my scouts out to Mount Litho. It’s about five hours drive from here, but not a town or village around. We have stargazing nights out there after orienteering, and even do orienteering via the stars.” 

“Wow. That sounds amazing. I can find the basic constellations, but I have no idea how to read a map via the stars.”

“You could come and join me. I go out there at least three times a year, without the scout group.”

Roxas was all smiles. He could still picture himself out in the pitch dark, with his dad, and how magnificent the sky had been. He longed for it. “You know, I’d love that, but I won’t be here much longer. Maybe we can go somewhere tonight?”

“Tonight?” Leon shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t think we can do tonight. There is too much to pack and organize.”

Roxas’ enthusiasm deflated. “Oh. Is there really that much to prepare? It’s just stargazing.”

“We would need proper attire. Blankets, sleeping bags, pillows. A backpack with spare clothes, compass, thermos flask—”

Roxas tuned out as Leon kept listing things. It was just stargazing, not an arctic expedition. All they needed was a roof. Memories of spending time with Axel on the roof of the club painfully sprang to mind. Roxas had come out to avoid thinking about him, so he swallowed the forming lump in his throat and interrupted, “How about a dessert bar then?”

Leon looked taken aback by the shift in conversation. He gave a nod and a small grunt.

They sorted their bill and headed out into the city. Forrester was nowhere near as big as the other cities Roxas had lived in. It felt more like a busy township, but the rapid expansion began to create more of an energetic hustle and bustle, particularly where the nightlife was concerned. Roxas spotted a new nightclub, but he didn’t see Leon as the dancing type, so he stuck to heading towards the chocolate bar he had often visited when he had lived here before.

The place was busy. They waited in line to place their orders and then found a corner-booth in the back of the shop, around a small L bend, which they took.

They chatted, ate, and drank. Roxas was in exceptionally good cheer after half an hour, realizing too late that he had ordered an alcoholic beverage. Not that it mattered. The drink tasted divine and made him laugh at all his own jokes.

Eventually, he slid in next to Leon to show him photos of his cat that Axel had sent him a while ago. Even though Leon knew of her, he had never actually met Cheshire.

“You know she's property? Vani doesn't even _like_ her but he’s claimed her as his property just to mess with me.” Roxas frowned at his phone.

Leon gave him a sympathetic look.

“He's gonna have egg on his face when I show up with the transaction record. The nice ladies at the shelter found it. Maple even remembered Cheshire. She's got the brain of an elephant. And you know what's amazing? The record's got my name on it. Suck on that, Vanitas!” Roxas raised his now-empty glass and didn’t give two hoots about who heard. The L bend that their secluded booth was tucked away in was deserted, though Roxas could still hear chatter and the clinking of tableware from around the corner in the main area.

“Sounds like this hasn't been easy on you.”

Roxas’ mood sobered. “It hasn't. I can't wait for this to all be over. Thanks so much for saying you’ll come out and be a witness for me. I'll reimburse you for the flight.”

“No, you don't have to do that.” Leon's hand gently cupped Roxas’.

They both looked down at where they were joined. 

Roxas rotated his captured hand and gave Leon a squeeze. “Thank you, Leon. You've been wonderful. I… always liked you, you know? I always thought you were super nice and sitting around with you, waiting for Vani to calm down, was always nice. You were the best support. I liked how you never said anything.” Roxas chuckled.

Leon huffed out a small laugh. “I liked how you talked about everything and know so much about cooking shows.”

“Midnight Feasts is, and will _forever_ be, an amazing show!” Roxas giggled, thinking back on their late night TV viewings.

Leon chuckled quietly beside him. The sound was so familiar and calming. Roxas looked up at Leon, feeling warm, cozy, and happy with the way they sat, shoulders and sides pressed together. Roxas leaned his head against Leon’s shoulder, inhaling the man’s clean scent and letting his eyes slip shut. 

He listened to the ambient noise of his surroundings. Soft music played, murmurs drifted from around the corner, and Leon’s breath came in hushed, even breaths. Roxas didn’t know how long they had been here for, but it was possibly getting closer to closing time, judging by the growing lull.

“Thanks for taking me out, Leon,” Roxas mumbled happily.

A warmth encased Roxas’ cheek. His eyes fluttered open and he looked up into Leon’s handsome face. The scar had always added, rather than subtracted anything from his looks, and the gentle smile Leon wore now, whilst looking down at him, made Roxas’ pulse thrum in his veins, and kicked up excited butterflies in his stomach. 

Leon stroked Roxas’ cheek for a while. They kept looking at each other, smiling.

“I've had a really good time with you, Roxas. I've forgotten how fun life can be and… it doesn't feel so empty anymore, thanks to you.”

Roxas hummed pleasantly. “Thanks for being here for me too, Leon. I don’t know what I would have done without you back then, and even now. You’re just the best.” He grinned, feeling overjoyed. His eyes slipped closed again and he concentrated on Leon’s caress of his cheek and the way his fingers touched the corner of his mouth a few times.

“Roxas,” Leon said with gravity in his voice.

Roxas’ eyes slipped open and he hummed.

“May I kiss you?”

Roxas eyes widened considerably. He lifted his head off Leon’s shoulder. _“Kiss?… Me?”_

“Yes.”

Roxas slowly sucked in air. “Why?”

“Because I really like you. I haven’t been on dates in such a long while though. I’m not sure of what the etiquette is here. Am I being too forward?”

“D- _date?”_

Leon nodded.

Roxas stared while he felt his face flush with heated embarrassment and excitement. “You… _like_ me?”

“I do.”

The quiet feelings, which Roxas had been fighting to ignore and pass off as flights of fancy, blazed to life. He looked at Leon’s lips, at his eyes, that small smile. Roxas had wanted this… for _years_. Months away from the man and it was still there, inside himself. Roxas leaned in before he ever started nodding his head. Leon closed the small distance between them and their lips brushed together.

Roxas melted against the slow, gentle kiss. He reached out, slinging his arm low around Leon’s waist and pulled himself closer to the other man. Roxas kissed back with intensity, sucking on Leon’s lips, tasting the white chocolate frosting clinging there from the dessert. He moaned quietly, enjoying the taste and the way Leon’s arms tightened around his waist, and splayed hands held him securely. Roxas pushed his tongue into Leon’s mouth, wanting more of that sweet taste, and physical contact. Leon froze for a second but then began sucking on Roxas and rubbing their tongues together. A shiver ran down Roxas’ spine and he pushed into the other man a little deeper, thrusting his tongue and clinging onto Leon tightly. 

Roxas had never known what kissing Leon would be like, but somehow this low-intensity kiss, which was steadily building into something desperate and needy, felt like everything Roxas should have ever expected it to be like. It felt right. It felt like everything Roxas knew the stoic, methodical, caring man to be. 

Leon leaned against Roxas, pushing, and keeping them from toppling as Roxas pressed himself harder against Leon, trying to get deeper with his kiss. Roxas became aware of an uncomfortable tightening in his pants and slipped a hand off Leon to adjust himself. He then slid his hand onto Leon’s lap, kneading his jean-covered thigh with the express purpose of giving him a squeeze.

Before Roxas could get there, Leon’s hand left his back and caught Roxas’ hand. Their kiss broke and they looked at each other, mouths red-rimmed, and both equally huffing gently.

“What’s wrong?” Roxas gently panted. His body buzzed, his arousal throbbed, and he had a hunger and need for so much more contact.

Leon’s eyes darted around and returned to Roxas. “It’s getting a bit out of hand. Can we take this back to my place?”

“Ah, oh… shit, sorry. Yeah,” Roxas said, flustered and without much thought. He had completely forgotten himself and Leon’s sensibilities.

He received a chaste peck on the lips, was pulled up to his feet, and walked out of the bar hand-in-hand with Leon. The grip was firm, warm, and comforting, but with every step to the bus stop, Roxas felt an unease build inside himself.

What had he done? What were they going to keep doing when they got to Leon's place? Roxas’ stomach churned with the thought of going back to that place, where all his ghosts of the past lurked, judged, whispered, and would burn into his mind, while he and Leon…. Roxas’ stomach knotted tightly and he stopped, his grip sliding out of Leon’s hand.

Leon looked back at him. “Roxas?”

“I'm sorry,” Roxas winced and wrapped his arms around himself.

“Sorry? For what?”

“Kissing you. I shouldn't have.” Roxas braved a look up at him.

Leon’s face bore an expressionless stare Roxas was quite familiar with. After a moment, Leon said, “Can I ask why you feel this way?”

“I…” Roxas chewed the inside of his mouth. He could feel himself digging a deep hole. “The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, Leon. I wasn't thinking when I kissed you.”

“You… don't like me, then?”

A panicked groan ran through Roxas’ head. “No, no, please don't think that. I do. I always liked you—” Roxas huffed and rubbed at his hair, not sure what he was doing right now or what he wanted. 

Leon scowled in thought. “But you rather we wouldn’t have kissed? Am I moving too fast for you? I’m happy to keep seeing you and getting to know you. I want a relationship with you, Roxas. I’m sorry if I gave off the wrong impression to you. I’m not intending this to be a once off.”

Elation and fear gripped Roxas. “You want to be boyfriends?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, Leon.” Roxas couldn’t wipe the frown off his face because the ache in his chest was too grand. He thought of Axel and what he had done to him because he had insisted that he needed to be alone. He had fed into this night happening, had led Leon on and for what? His own selfish needs and wants. It sickened him. “It’s my fault. I didn’t know we were going on dates. I thought you were just being friendly… but somewhere in my heart I also wanted this. I _do_ like you, Leon. Really.” Roxas looked up at the other man. Everything in him screamed not to upset him, not to break his heart, or hurt him. Everything said he should just play the part and keep quiet.

He wanted to howl with frustration. He didn't know what he was doing and why he was doing it. Was there something about being in this place that made him want to act out, just so he could rub it in Vanitas’ face? Was he tired of holding back and never taking what he wanted? Did he really _want_ Leon?

Roxas wasn’t sure, but he did know one thing for certain. “I broke up with someone really important to me because I need to work on myself. It’s not fair on him for me to be doing this with you. It’s not fair on you either because the things you want from me… I don’t think I can give them to you.”

“I see,” Leon said quietly.

“I’m so sorry, Leon.”

Leon wore a steady expression as he said, “It's all right. Really.”

That cool, casual response crushed Roxas under a mixture of disbelief and relief. Vanitas would have lost his shit and thrown half a dozen things by now. Axel would have shut him down and yelled. Leon… Leon was such a sweet guy. “I'm sorry.” Roxas winced at his own response and covered his face because the pain inside seeped out through bitter tears. “I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Leon closed the distance between them. A hesitant hand landed on Roxas’ shoulder and squeezed.

Roxas sobbed and stepped toward Leon, resting his bowed head against Leon’s chest and was pulled into a hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You don’t have to come to Pensacola. I’m sorry for using you and everyone around me and for being an awful person and—Van was right about me.”

“Roxas. Don’t think that. I’ll still come and be a witness for you.”

Roxas sniffled. “But you—I’m being awful to you,” he squeaked and ventured a look up to see Leon’s grave, yet not angry face.

“You’re not. Let me get you on a bus and we'll call it a night.”

“Leon—”

“It's all right.”

With that Roxas was taken to his bus stop. They stood in awkward silence while waiting for the bus and had an equally awkward parting. Roxas shook with upset the entire way home and berated himself internally. He felt despicable. Like the worst of the worst. His heart went out to Leon, who had been so nice and supportive. Roxas told himself he should just date Leon, should have gone home with him, to at least make up for not having his whole heart available for the other man. He just felt awful and couldn't wait to get home and for sleep to take him… but it didn’t. 

He stayed up in his room, going through his phone, looking through all his messages from Axel, sobbing, and slowly slipping into a deep, depressive funk. But he noticed it and threw his phone onto his bed. His mind raced around a while, calling himself all of Vanitas’ most favorite derogatory terms and phrases. But he stopped doing that after a while. He found his phone again, looked for Naminé’s number and went to type something, but stopped and flicked through the messages. He found the numbers she had given him and stared at them for a while. His visit with his GP came back to him as well. He went to his bag and dug around until he found the referral.

He took a deep, steadying breath and made a tentative decision. He actively considered seeing someone about this shit in his head. It couldn’t hurt him more than he already hurt himself, right? That gave him enough peace of mind to get some shut-eye.

The sleep didn’t do him much good though. Pesky thoughts didn't leave him at all the next day. He sent Leon an apology, to which he received the predictable, 'Don’t worry about it,’ response. But he did, and that cemented his decision and he booked an appointment to see a therapist.

* * *

 

There were only a few days left before Roxas headed back to Pensacola – something he had his fair share of anxiety over. When Naminé sent him a text asking him over, he jumped at the chance, just to get out of his own head.

He taxied over, was greeted by a warm smile and treated to a hot lunch.

“I really need to thank you for all the support you’ve been giving me since me and Axel fell apart,” Roxas said, as they sat on bar stools by the kitchen counter, enjoying their pasta dish that Naminé had made.

“Oh no. You don’t have to thank me. You’re my favorite cousin and I don’t like seeing you down.”

“Does Sora know I’m the favorite?” he looked up from his meal with a cheeky glint in his eyes.

“Shh, don’t tell him,” Naminé covered her mouth as she laughed and Roxas giggled along with her.

“But really, thanks for the help. For the numbers and things.”

“Oh, they were helpful? Have you seen anyone?”

He nodded slowly. “I saw my doctor and got a referral. I saw someone a few days ago.”

“How did it go?” Naminé put her cutlery down and gave Roxas her full and undivided attention.

“Yeah… all right.” Roxas twirled his fork, thinking back on the session. “Um… it’s going to take me a lot of time to get through everything. Hannah did an assessment on me… wrote me a letter and found me someone to see when I get to Pensacola.”

“Oh, that sounds great. Will you go?”

“Mm, yeah. Probably… can’t hurt, right? It was… kind of nice to talk to someone… impartial?”

Naminé smiled eagerly. “That’s great to hear.”

“Yeah.” Roxas began eating again.

“You seem a bit unhappy.”

“I’d… also like to talk to someone who _does_ know me. I won’t get another chance to talk to Hannah and the session… there was so much to discuss that I didn’t get the thing that I wanted to talk about most off my chest.”

“Oh. Well, I’m definitely listening. What do you want to talk about?”

Roxas chewed his lip a little and collected his thoughts. “I was doing it again,” he said followed by a heavy sigh.

“What?” she didn’t look up from where her fork twirled the pasta.

“Trying to find happiness in someone else,” he huffed out in irritation.

“Really?”

“Yeah. This time it was my old neighbor. I think I mentioned him a couple of times to you in the past maybe? Leon?”

“Leon… Leon…” Naminé tapped her chin. “Oh! The man with the scar on his face?”

“Yeah. Him. He was always nice to me. I think I actually liked him. He was different from Vanitas. He was nice to me, but I never did anything about it because I was with Vanitas.”

“Did you do anything now?” Gentle hesitancy rang in her voice, which Roxas couldn't take umbrage with.

“I’ve been spending time with him the last two weeks. He’s still very nice, and I’ve been really stressed about… well, going back to Pensacola and… being back here… it’s bringing up a lot of bad memories so… I think I went to him for comfort? He made me forget and we had fun.”

“Fun?” 

“Yeah. Dinners, and talking about whatever really.”

“Oh. That _does_ sound nice. I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit too busy to spend any time with you. But I wish you would have told me about this being hard on you. I’m sorry I didn’t think about that.”

“It’s not your fault. I didn’t really think it would be this hard either, to be honest. Which is probably why it’s worse… because I didn’t mentally prepare myself for it.”

Naminé nodded and looked on with sympathy in her eyes. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Roxas shrugged and poked his meal. “But… I can’t use that as an excuse, right? I’m still running away to guys instead of dealing with my stuff.”

“I think it’s okay to want to spend time with people when times are tough. You shouldn’t be this hard on yourself for just seeking out the company of a friend.”

“If we were _just_ friends I don’t think I would be so hard on myself.”

“Roxas!” Naminé’s fork clattered onto her plate. “What happened between you two? You said dinners and talking.”

“It _was_ dinners and talking. But…” Roxas sighed. “I… kind of liked to pretend that we were going out on dates. And the other day he told me that we _have_ been going on dates and I just didn’t actually know it.” His mind cast back to Axel’s observation about his blind-spots. It made Roxas uncomfortable how right Axel was. The most perturbing things, however, was how Roxas hadn’t seen it and had lost someone important to him because of his stubbornness. 

Roxas hesitantly looked at Naminé, who stared at him, her mouth slightly agape. He continued, “Turns out… he likes me, like _that_. I didn’t know. I didn’t even _think_ that he would. I thought it was just a one-sided infatuation… and I’m not even _that_ into him. But… he asked me for a kiss and I kissed him, and now I think I hurt him, all because of my own selfishness and wanting to forget my problems for a little bit. I’m so tired of hurting people, Nami. I’m so tired of hurting myself. I’m really dumb.” 

“You’re not dumb.” Naminé gave him a sad look.

“I _am_ though. I keep pulling the same shit and not seeing it until it’s too late.”

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You _are_ noticing it.”

Roxas huffed and didn’t feel any better. Naminé’s soft smile didn’t instill him with much confidence. “Noticing isn’t making things better if it happens too late. I feel so terrible about hurting him. I had to tell him I couldn’t date him—that I care about someone else. That was so hard, Nami. I kissed the guy, and… and even said yes to going back to his place,” Roxas winced at his mindless horniness of the night, “and then when we were nearly at the bus stop, I got cold feet and told him _no!_ That’s so fucked up. I was such a _huge_ asshole to him. I wanted to get off with him, but then all this… crap in my head came up and then I had to tell him no.” Roxas held his head. It hurt too much thinking it through. He worried how Leon was doing. “I feel so fucking guilty about it all.”

“Well… that doesn't sound ideal but… what do you feel guilty about?”

He stared hard at his meal. “I… I feel guilty about saying no. I worry about him hating me and about how much he must be hurting because of how I led him on. I feel so bad about not being his boyfriend. Maybe if I didn’t like him it might be different? But I do. He’s really attractive, but I—God, Nami… I just want _Axel,_ but I know I need to keep away from him. And _clearly_ , I need to keep away from other men for a while too because if I keep running to guys every time my life turns to shit… every time I feel bad and need a pick me up?... I’m going to end up… I don’t know what. But I don’t like this side of myself. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I hate what I do to people and that I can’t say no, and that anyone who’s nice to me gets an instant in into my heart, so much so that I start doing things like kissing them and being okay to sleep with them. It didn’t even occur to me to say no to Leon. I just wanted to feel good in that moment.”

“Oh.” Naminé was silent for a moment, a slight frown wrinkling her forehead. She focused on him and said, “That’s a lot to unpack.”

“I know, which is why I really do need to keep going to see a therapist, but I want some wisdom or insight right now.”

She hummed. “Maybe… well, look. Maybe because there _is so much_ going on you should focus on the fact that you did say no to him… eventually.”

Roxas hummed thoughtfully and Naminé smiled.

“I wish I had acted a bit quicker.”

Naminé’s hand slid onto Roxas’ shoulder and she patted him.

“I still think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’ve been through a lot and I’m really proud of you, Roxy. Saying no when everything was telling you to go along with it is a really hard thing to do, but you’re doing it. You’re starting to put yourself first and that’s a really good sign that you’re improving.”

“Yeah?” He gave her a skeptical look.

Naminé hummed. “Could you have seen yourself saying no to someone asking you out before? Someone you also liked back?”

Roxas shook his head. “No… yeah. I do see improvements. I… I want to live my own life. If I were to date Leon I’d have to… get into rifle sports and attend… concertos.” Roxas shuddered. “Give me a heavy metal band any day.”

“Way to go, you! Putting yourself first.” Naminé gave him a generous smile between mouthfuls of pasta.

Roxas breathed out heavily and it felt good. Maybe Naminé _was_ right. Being around her made him feel less like a loser. “I’m getting a better idea of what I like and don’t like. I just need to get used to sticking up for myself and telling people,” he muttered. “And cutting all the negative self-talk – that’s what Hannah said. It’s gonna take some work though.”

Naminé nodded. “I’m so very glad that you decided to get some professional help… even if it’s just an assessment here, but hopefully you’ll get someone nice in Pensacola.”

“Yeah. I hope so too.”

“So, will you come with me to an art exhibition tomorrow? It’s on postmodern industrial art.”

Roxas glared at her. “No.”

“Awww.” She looked heartbroken for a second before starting to giggle. “Good, you pass the test.”

Roxas roared playfully. “C’mere,” and pulled her into a rough hug.

They both began laughing.

“I’ll miss you.” She leaned her head against his shoulder after he let go of her.

“I’ll miss you too, Nami. But I’ll be back more often, though maybe more in Atlantica than here. You’ll have to come and visit me.” Roxas dug into his meal with more enthusiasm.

“In Atlantica or Pensacola?”

“Both?”

“You’ll definitely stay in Pensacola?”

“Yeah, for the next four years at least. I’m going to go back to studying. Finish what I started, y’know.”

“Really? Oh, that’s wonderful! Bet your mom will be very proud.” She grinned.

Roxas sighed a little. “I hope so. I hate disappointing her the most and I’ve been such a disappointment to her. It’s… it’s what I feel the worst about. She’s always wanted the best for me. She’s always wanted me to be happy and never expected anything in return.” Roxas sighed. “I sometimes feel like I can’t trust guys anymore. There’s always some ulterior motive, but my mom? My dad? They love me. No matter how much I fuck up. They want me to go study because they know it will help me to do and achieve what I want. But my stupid heart and need for love keeps getting in the way. I don’t even know why. If I just stuck to my plans all those years ago, I’d probably have my dream job – or be close to getting to it – and I’d have both my parents respect and they would be so proud of me. But I keep messing myself up.”

“Well, there is more to life and love than just a parents love.”

That really caught Roxas’ attention. “How do you do it, Nami? How do you stay so strong? I feel like I fall apart when I have no one there to cling to when life gets hard.”

“We’re just two different people. I get by, but… life does get a little lonely sometimes. I have friends but sometimes,” she hummed a little, “sometimes I wish I had someone special in my life too like you’ve had.”

“Really?”

She nodded.

Roxas felt amazement wash over him. “So even someone who’s so well put together like yourself can get lonely?”

Naminé smiled sadly. “Yes.”

“Wow. Really?”

She nodded some more.

He didn’t know why but he felt infinitely better. “Sometimes I feel like I’m way too needy.”

“Once you learn to rely on yourself a little more, you’ll feel better about yourself. But yes, even the most put-together person still needs others, still needs love and understanding. That’s called being human.”

They shared a quiet smile between the two of them.

“Do you have anyone you love? Have you ever loved anyone?” Roxas couldn't recall Naminé ever dating anyone.

Her cheeks began to dust over with pink. “Well, I, um… do have someone I look up to and admire.”

“Oooh, who is it?” Roxas elbowed her.

“Just someone I work with.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and balled hands together in her lap.

“You should ask them out.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t.”

“You could and you should. If I’m not allowing myself to date anyone, then you definitely _need_ to date someone. Do it for the team!”

Naminé tittered. “I’ll take that into consideration.”

“You better!”

* * *

 

Roxas felt a little bit better after his talk with Naminé. He stayed in touch with Leon in the days leading up to his departure back to Pensacola, but refrained from going out with him, unless Leon specifically requested it as a point of urgency. Roxas needed to learn a better way of coping than to run to the first guy who paid him any attention. He suspected it would be a steep learning curve if the restless nights meant anything.

The apprehension and unease were at their worst on the eve of Roxas’ departure from Forrester. He got absolutely no sleep, his mind keeping him too awake worrying about why Axel still hadn’t messaged him back, even when Roxas had sent Axel messages to let him know that he would be back in Pensacola the next day. He had no answer for it other than Axel being absolutely, ridiculously mad at him, which wasn’t a helpful thought to have.

Roxas carried the heavy discomfort with him all the way to the airport and then, as he boarded his flight, the unease suddenly vanished. A sense of relief came over him because he was finally leaving this place. Feeling lighter, he stowed his carry-on away and slid into his window seat, where he stared out at the tarmac and thought about how much he hated his past tainting an otherwise lovely city.

He detested that people he really cared for, his grandparents, and extended family, were in a place that brought him so much heartache. He loathed that a good portion of his childhood, and what should otherwise be happy memories, were infected by Vanitas’ imprinted existence on his mind. He hoped for a brighter future for himself. He hoped he could untangle the good from the bad because a part of himself still cherished the good times he had with Vanitas in this place.

Roxas let out a heavy sigh. He needed this court case to go in his favor, and for him to maybe have one last good experience with Vanitas. He hoped they could end things amicably. And if not then Roxas at least hoped that he could rid himself of Vanitas’ influence. The thick folder of documentation and evidence Roxas was in possession of would surely play a hand in severing their ties. That was a thing to look forward to. Leaving this place was another thing to look forward to.

At least he thought something good had come out of his visit. Despite the incident with Leon, Roxas thought himself to have coped rather well, considering. It gave him courage to tackle the rest of the obstacles that were in his way. It made him feel strong and capable.

And then any relief he got from that previous thought vanished as heavy anxiety returned while thinking about going to Pensacola and what would await him there: _Axel._ He hoped that they could figure things out and make up. Roxas hoped that once the court issue with Vanitas was settled that the worrisome feelings would vanish and then he would be well on his way to finding his happiness. He would continue to seek help from professionals but also his friends. He had sworn to Hayner and Sora that he would stay in touch and talk to them about his problems. And he promised himself that he would talk more to Axel… if he let him.

Roxas sighed, fished out his phone, popped on headphones and descended into an audiobook to take his mind off things and maybe sleep a lot of the way. The next few weeks felt daunting for him… but decidedly hopeful as well. He mustered up a small smile and got comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a turn. I last minute decided that Roxas _should_ kiss Leon. I was always in two minds about it, but I've now committed to it. Let the boy live a little.
> 
> Also... I've decided on making one more major rewrite to the story, which involves a lot of restructuring and new scenes and conversations. Given the fact that I am knee deep in playing KH3 and that work is giving me grief, I will be on a posting hiatus after chapter 27.
> 
> So you still have one more chapter to look forward to before that happens.


	27. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas returns to Pensacola with trepidation, not sure what sort of a welcome he’ll receive.

It took Roxas three days to put his plans into action when he arrived in Pensacola; he checked into a skeevy motel for $40 a night, which he had found through a website; he enrolled in a business course, with the assurance that he could catch up on the few weeks worth of work he had missed so far; and he visited Aerith to make good on his promise to come and work for her.

He still had to sit his driver's license exam but could work in the shop taking orders, keeping inventory, and stacking all the boxes that arrived on a daily basis. So he felt pretty good having cash coming in to offset his motel living expenses. It also passed the day nicely and stopped him from overthinking things. He loved being motivated and driven to do work without someone else having to tell him to do it, or for someone to be there watching over his back and confiscating his money at the end of the day.

And at the end of his first working day, it dawned on him that _this_ was freedom. A rush of joy overcame him and he cried once he got back to his motel room. The immense ego boost wilted away, however, with the onset of night.

It was always at night when it proved to be the most difficult for Roxas. When the day's distractions disappeared and his mind rested, he could _feel_ his existence; the hollowness of it, the missing and wasted years, and the biting loneliness. Each night he nervously debated when he should go see Axel. The man clearly hated him and rightfully so, but Roxas needed to go over there. The court hearing was next week. Things needed to be discussed. He wondered if he should go over there before Axel went to work – or after he came home – or just wait until next week rolled around and see him on his days off. But waiting until next week would be too late. So Roxas decided to try and see Axel in the morning before he went to work. He would risk a grumpy Axel, after all, Roxas couldn't imagine Axel being madder at him than he already was.

So, feeling as ill-at-ease, as if he had just come off a ship after a year-long sea journey, Roxas made his way to Axel's apartment, late Saturday morning. He didn't want to be _too_ early, even by Axel's standards. He had a peace offering in hand – the penguin hat he won in Atlantica at the amusement park. He had shown it to Axel when they were still together—a thought which made Roxas ache. He hoped Axel would remember the hat – would remember that they had loved each other – he hoped that Axel could forgive him. Roxas missed Axel. His time away from him had been necessary. He hoped Axel would understand.

Finally, he arrived and, as he stood before the apartment block, his stomach twisted itself into knots. His finger hovered over the intercom button for far too long. He didn't know what he would say for Axel to open the door for him. He didn't know what he _could_ say, that he hadn't already sent in text messages.

Plenty came to mind actually, but he was terrified of saying them. 

He dropped his hand away from the button and shook his limbs, trying to psych himself up. He tried again, his finger returning, but still hovering over the silver indent.

 _“Roxas?”_ came an uncertain voice behind him.

Roxas yelped and spun around, heart pounding from fright. He stared at a blonde woman who looked vaguely familiar.

“Oh, it _is_ you! Hello, I haven't seen you around for a really long time.” She approached with energy.

Recognition hit him moments later. “Isabelle!”

She smiled at him. “How are you?”

“Good, fine, thanks. You?”

“Good. Do you want to be let in?”

He nodded and held one of the grocery bags she carried, while she located her keys. Roxas had a vague recollection of her. Aside from that first meeting outside of Axel’s door, he had seen her a handful of times, usually in the elevator, as he and Axel had either come or gone. And he remembered her dick cookies fondly.

The door opened and they stepped through into the apartment buildings foyer and towards the elevator.

“Are you coming for a visit or are you staying with Axel again?” she inquired.

“I'm… I went home to visit family and friends. I’m staying somewhere else while I’m here. I'm just visiting Axel today.”

“Oh, that's nice. That hat for him?”

Roxas glanced down. “Yeah. He likes penguins.”

She smiled at him.

The elevator chimed and they stepped in. Isabelle pressed their floor button and they traveled up talking about the contents of her grocery bags.

They reached their floor and said goodbye at their respective doors. As Isabelle walked into her apartment and shut the door behind her, the broiling anxiousness Roxas had kept down flared up with full force.

He clenched his hands into tight fists and couldn’t get deep breaths into his chest. He stood there and stared at Axel's front door with dread. He still didn’t know what he wanted to say. He didn't even know how he would react to seeing the man again. He yearned to look upon Axel, to feel him, touch him, kiss him, make jokes with him, and dance.

Roxas swallowed down the lump in his throat, he took a big inhale of breath, knocked on the door, and waited. He waited and waited and knocked some more. Sometimes loud, sometimes soft. He called out Axel's name. Rung the doorbell. Nothing happened. But then he heard a sound that crushed him—

Instant tears welled in his eyes and he sank to the floor, palms pressed against the door. “Cheshy,” he choked out in a teary whisper.

She meowed in response.

 _“Cheshy.”_ He pressed his forehead against the door and squeezed his eyes shut as he started sobbing. He had completely forgotten about her. He felt like the worst father in the history of ever. “Chesh…”

One little paw pushed through the gap between the floor and door. Roxas fingered the softness. “How have you been, girl? Has Axel taken good care of you?”

She kept mewling and Roxas even heard the light purr. At that moment he knew what he needed to do.

“I'll be back in a little bit. Promise.” He patted what little of her paw still stuck through the bottom of the door and left.

* * *

 

He came back within half an hour, buzzing Isabelle's apartment to be let in, which she obliged him with.

Roxas dropped the bags of wet and dry cat food before Axel's door and sat the penguin hat on top of it all. He had bought enough food to last several weeks. He then sat down, with his back pressing against the door and read over the simple letter he wrote for Axel at a newsagency he passed on his way back to the apartment. It was nothing fancy. Basically, he wrote that he was back because the court date was next week – in case Axel hadn’t received his text messages. He apologized for springing this on Axel, for being there at all, and then apologized for apologizing – hoping it would make Axel laugh, even a little. He then slid the letter into an envelope along with enough money to reimburse Axel for all the money he would have spent looking after Cheshire, as well as all the money he had spent on Roxas those two weeks they had lived together. He hid it under the bag of cat food because sliding it under the door would just see Cheshire shredding it.

He then called out his cat's name and played with her as best he could under the door. Roxas hoped Axel wasn’t home. He couldn't stand the thought of Axel hating Roxas so much that he wouldn’t even open the door to yell at him. He left with tears staining his cheeks once more, muttering to himself that he would be back soon for Cheshire and that everything would be all right.

The rest of his day turned out rather uneventful. He jumped with anxious energy every time his phone buzzed or rang, but it was never Axel. Hayner called him because they had promised each other to be better friends to one another. It was nice to have someone to talk to about the hurt he felt over Axel ignoring him, and Roxas even fessed up to the court case – but only after swearing Hayner to complete secrecy. A heavy weight rolled off Roxas’ shoulders over his confession and then it was made even nicer because Hayner spent a good long while distracting Roxas from all his personal burdens by talking about a myriad of other things. The conversation lasted for three hours, after which Roxas kept himself occupied looking at the various memes Sora shared with him through messages, and he looked at photos his dad sent of the latest Lego project he was embarking on. Roxas called his father out of excitement and they fanboyed together for a while

It was nice to be in touch with people even if he wasn’t physically there. Roxas loved his freedom. He just wished he could have an answer from Axel. But as that wasn’t forthcoming, Roxas contemplated going to Organization 13 while he was out, sourcing his dinner. It wouldn't be hard to get there, but he worried endlessly about not being welcomed and distracting Axel from his job. If he could show up under better terms, like before when they had hung out together, it wouldn't bother Roxas, but showing up now would be imposing and rude, so Roxas left the thought alone.

Instead, he bought himself a pizza, went back to his motel room and sat on the sagging couch of the tiny living room watching TV. And when the pizza was all gone, and the TV programming proved too painfully dull he switched over to a digital radio station playing old rock music and hand-sewed, having bought himself some fabric, needle, and thread yesterday. He wanted to get back into old, productive habits and had been recommended to do so by Hannah. Sewing was something that had always soothed him when he couldn't deal with Vanitas anymore. It proved a far better method than hooking up with guys, and Roxas wondered why he forgot that he enjoyed this activity. It relaxed him wonderfully and kept his mind focused for a few hours.

* * *

 

By the time eyestrain set in from fatigue, it had gotten late. Roxas showered and wandered to the bedroom. He shuffled over to his touch lamp, brushed his fingers along the metallic base and turned off the soft warm red glow, plunging the room into darkness, and shuffled towards his bed. He stopped in the middle of the tiny room. Something wasn’t right. He cast a look over his shoulder and gave a strangled cry before hurling himself back toward the lamp, smacking it to life and bringing a purple light into existence. He then frantically searched for his phone, which he found under some rumpled clothes on the floor.

Standing in the middle of the bedroom, with a mountain of clothes at his feet, he fumbled with his phone nervously and saw that he had an unread message— 

message header: **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 23:49 Axel  
Hey  
  


Roxas felt sick and relieved all at once. He refused to think about it and just called Axel, waited for several rings before—

_“Hey.”_

Axel’s breathy voice hit Roxas in such a way that tears leaked out. Roxas pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed to keep it together. “Hey,” he squeaked, woefully. He took a deep breath. “Thanks for picking up,” he said, straining against the emotion wanting to erupt. 

Axel hummed and drawled, _“So, you back in Pensacola now, huh.”_

It pained Roxas to hear no affection in Axel’s voice. He willed himself to keep it together. “Yeah. Court’s next week,” he got out weakly.

_“Are you nervous?”_

“Of course.”

_“Did you get everything done that you needed to get done?”_

“Yeah.”

_“How did it go?”_

That question nailed him right against his vulnerable spot. He sobbed and shut his eyes tight, hoping to stop the tears, but it only squeezed them out more. “It was _really_ fucking _hard_. It was _really hard_ without you,” he squeaked into the palm of his hand as he covered his face.

Axel remained quiet while Roxas sobbed. Roxas desperately tried to get himself under control. He wanted to be cool and level-headed, but damn the Axel-shaped hole in his heart bled fiercely. “I’ve missed you,” he managed to get out without sounding completely pathetic.

_“Cheshire’s missed you. She’s been playing with the envelope all evening, and the penguin hat.”_

Axel not responding how Roxas wanted him to stung but he tried not to dwell on it. He laughed and sobbed all at once and said, “She hasn’t been too much of a handful, has she?”

_“No. She’s the least troublesome Shaw I know.”_

That came as a mild punch to Roxas’ gut, while also being a little bit funny. Roxas didn’t know if he laughed or cried, but some sort of a choked sound left him. “I’m sorry. And I know that by now you have to be so sick of hearing that from me, but I am. I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long now.”

Axel remained quiet for a moment before he gave his terse response of, _“I really can’t stand hearing that from you anymore. Stop.”_

Roxas’ stomach dropped. “S— _Okay.”_

A huff of air sounded through the phone. _“Can you come over? I think if we have to have another conversation over the phone it’s not gonna end well.”_

“Okay. Yeah, okay. Now, or—?”

_“Tomorrow, before I go to work.”_

“One o’clock okay?”

_“Yeah.”_

Roxas shook with quiet sobs, which he tried to swallow down and said, “See you tomorrow.”

_“Yeah, see you then.”_

“Thanks, Axel…” Roxas got in quickly, “for giving me a chance.”

Axel sighed and there was a long enough pause that Roxas didn’t know if he was supposed to say something, or hang up, or just wait. He chose to wait.

Eventually, Axel muttered, _“I’m glad you’re back,”_ and hung up.

Roxas sank to the ground, not even knowing how he had managed to stand through the whole exchange between them. He just cried and cried – with relief and pain. Everything he felt was jumbled up together. 

Eventually, he pulled himself together and slipped into bed. Axel’s words still ran through his head for a while. In the end, he decided that he felt better – that it was a positive step forward and he managed to get some sleep.

* * *

 

Roxas sewed all morning to keep his mind from wandering to dangerous places. He then left for Axel's apartment, buying a footlong sub with all of Axel's favorite trimmings, and a coffee from the place Axel liked best. It wasn't bribery. Roxas just wanted to show that he cared.

Right on one o’clock Roxas buzzed the intercom and waited patiently. It took a while, which didn't help his nerves, but he also smiled to himself imagining Axel still asleep and struggling to wake up. Was it bad that he wanted to cuddle the shit out of the other man?

Eventually, the door buzzed and Roxas pushed it open and headed inside. This time he took the stairs because he didn't think standing still in an elevator would help him, and partly to give Axel more time to get dressed.

Roxas ascended the stairs and in no time at all stood before Axel's door once more. He knocked gently and waited. After a little while, locks clicked and the door opened up revealing Axel with his hair completely disheveled, jeans on but not done up, and shirt completely missing. Axel gave a massive yawn and said, “Come in.”

Roxas did, door closed behind himself and suddenly there was a rub against his legs and a purring from below. Cheshire’s furry contact soothed the deep ache of longing which Roxas had carried since he had left for Atlantica two months ago. He dropped his shopping bag containing Axel’s sub, and set down the cup of coffee to scoop Cheshire up, giving her some kisses and head rubs between her wildly affectionate headbutts and nuzzles. He then focused on Axel, who stood at a distance and wore the faintest of smiles.

“Ax—” He stopped himself before the unexpected sob worked its way free.

The smile disappeared and a frown sat on Axel’s face. Maybe Roxas looked pathetic, maybe Axel genuinely wanted to… whatever it was Roxas felt grateful for it because Axel stepped close and pulled Roxas into a gentle hug. Roxas held his cat and worked one arm free to also hold Axel around the middle. He squeezed Axel’s side; the body contact, the heat radiating off the other man, the touch of his skin… all of it was so familiar and welcoming. 

Roxas wanted to melt into Axel’s warm skin. He longed to bathe in the sleepy man’s musk forever. It was the best physical contact he had ever experienced, there, with his cheek pressed against Axel’s bare chest, and long arms around him. Roxas felt safe, and he finally felt like he came home. 

It ended too quickly. Axel stepped back from him and looked uncomfortable. He still didn't say a damn word, making Roxas extremely unsettled and all the good feelings vanished like smoke on the wind. “I bought you breakfast.” Roxas dropped Cheshire and picked up his things, handing them over.

Axel's expression lit up and he inspected the contents of the bag. “Thanks!” He took a sip of the coffee, hummed in satisfaction and went to the dining table, which was relatively clutter-free, and dug into his food.

Roxas knelt down and focused on petting and playing with Cheshire for a bit longer. He rubbed her in all her favorite spots, inspecting her closely. She looked fantastic. Her coat was glossy, her demeanor the same as before Roxas had left the city, and she appeared well-fed. 

“Thanks for looking after Cheshire for me. She looks amazing and happy.” He looked up at Axel, who quickly averted his eyes.

“Pleasure,” Axel said between mouthfuls of food.

Cheshire left Roxas then and made her way over to Axel, who fed her a tiny bit of meat from his sub. It brought a big smile to Roxas’ face. He walked over to them and stroked Cheshire's back because he wanted to be close to Axel and his cat seemed the perfect excuse.

Axel ate in silence but their eyes kept meeting from time to time. Eventually, Axel said, “You can get something from the kitchen if you want to eat or drink anything.”

Roxas didn't, but he went anyway because watching Axel eating in awkward silence wasn’t great. Roxas slowly moved through the familiar kitchen and made himself a cup of tea. There was a hard, sick pressure in his chest and a tremble to his fingers as he made himself the beverage. He tried not to think too much but inevitably his thoughts went to how things had been in the past between them. They had talked, laughed, and touched each other; such a stark contrast to the present situation. 

With a heavy sigh, he refocused on the fact that Axel had invited him over – had embraced him – surely their relationship could be salvaged. He stared at his mug of steaming liquid, took a deep breath and ventured back to the dining table where he found Axel nursing his coffee. 

“Where are you staying?” Axel asked casually as Roxas pulled out a chair opposite of him and took a seat, mug nestled between his hands.

“Hm? In a motel out at Chesterfield,” he replied.

“Is it expensive?”

“No.” Roxas sipped his tea.

Axel ruminated over drinking his coffee for a while before saying, “You're staying in a motel… you've bought me breakfast… you left me way too much money in that envelope. What's happened to allow you such an extravagant lifestyle?”

Roxas chuckle a little. “I’d hardly call the Chesterfield Crown an _extravagant lifestyle_. But, if you really want to know…” Roxas took a deep breath. He hadn't told anyone. He felt ashamed, but he wanted to tell Axel. “You know how my parents gave me money?”

“Yeah.”

“Well… it’s a fair bit of money actually. They've been periodically putting some aside for me into an account since I was born. They wanted to give it to me as a graduation present but… well, y’know.” Roxas played with the string attached to his teabag. “So money isn't an issue right now, and you don't have to worry about me.”

Axel made a small sound of surprise and said, “That's lucky. Your parents are really generous.”

Roxas flicked his gaze onto Axel, hoping he wasn’t going to overstep by saying, “They really are, and yeah. I _am_ lucky to have people in my life who’ve taken such good care of me.” He looked at Axel and felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He broke the eye contact. “If I owe you any more money just tell me. I'll pay you back.”

A small grimace graced Axel’s face and he shook his head. “You already gave me way too much. Cheshire wasn't that expensive.” He rubbed her head as she dozed on the table surface by Axel’s elbow.

Roxas hugged himself a little. “It was for everything else you ever did for me.” Guilt sat at the top of his chest. He felt terrible for ever having let himself get to such a vulnerable state where he needed someone else’s help. He wished he hadn’t caused so much trouble and hurt. 

“You didn’t have to repay me for any of that stuff.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” Roxas sighed and dispelled the heavy thoughts from his mind by looking at the picturesque scene before himself; Axel sipping his coffee and Cheshire quietly purring away sleepily beside him. “She really likes you,” he said and smiled.

Axel's lip quirked into a smile. “Watch this—Chesh, fetch slipper.”

Cheshire hopped off the table and scurried away to Axel's bedroom and came back dragging one of Axel's shirts in her mouth. She dropped it at his feet and he picked it up. “It's still a work in progress but hey, I do need a shirt right now so it kinda works,” he grinned and slipped on the gray shirt.

Roxas stared in amazement, his mouth hanging open. “Wow! You taught her that? Wow! Did you teach her anything else?”

“You betcha!” Axel, very proudly, demonstrated all he had taught her. Roxas couldn't stop smiling and laughing at how amazing it all was to see her walk backward on command, give high fives, roll over, and Roxas clapped loudly when Cheshire dropped to the ground, playing dead when Axel made finger-guns at her. 

Axel beamed with pure joy, knelt down, and rubbed Cheshire, which brought her back to life.

Was it possible to fall in love with someone all over again? It pained Roxas that they ever had a falling out. That thought soiled his mood. Was it okay to be there and pretend that nothing had ever gone wrong between them? Because that's what this felt like – the good old days; sitting on the couch with Cheshire between them. Things felt deceptively normal… if Roxas ignored the awkwardness between them; the lack of ease in their smiles and movements. Things weren’t good. Roxas hoped he could help fix things and that he wasn’t about to make things worse as he said, “Axel, I know you said no more but… I just have to tell you this one more time, face to face, I'm really sorry for how I treated you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and… well, I hope you can forgive me. I said things I shouldn’t have, but…” he rubbed at his arm and couldn’t bring himself to look at Axel as he said, “I’m not apologizing for breaking up with you. I needed that time for myself to really think and learn to rely on myself a little more. And… I’m still not one-hundred percent but… I think I’m getting better. I was a lousy friend to you – to a lot of people, actually.” He felt so bad about Hayner. He needed to tell Axel… but not right now. He couldn’t do it right now. He didn’t want Axel to be mad. He wanted things to mend. “But I’m really working on changing things for myself.”

Axel remained tight-lipped. Eyes wandered on and off Roxas as he rubbed Cheshire behind the ears.

“I’ve really missed you,” Roxas said after some more silence passed between them. He wanted another hug but definitely didn’t expect one. The first one had been shocking enough.

“What're you gonna do after the court hearing?” Axel stood up, sliding his hands into his back pockets and looked everywhere but at Roxas. 

“I… um… I thought I might hang around here for a while longer?” Roxas said tentatively.

“How much longer is longer?”

A tension welled up in Roxas and he winced at Axel’s tone. He suddenly didn’t feel welcome at all and it seemed like a bad idea to tell Axel that he signed up for a four-year course in the city they both lived in. “A little while,” he murmured.

Axel just hummed. The awkwardness didn’t ease.

“I'll, ah… go.” Roxas stood up, giving Cheshire a final pat. “I've still got things to sort out for the court case on Thursday. Thanks for listening to me and seeing me. Thanks for looking after Cheshire. It’s okay if she stays a while longer, isn’t it? I can’t have her staying with me right now.”

“It’s all right. I’m happy to have her around.” Axel looked from Cheshire to Roxas. “You're more than welcome to come and visit her.”

“Yeah? Really?”

“Yeah. Really.” Axel’s lip quirked up in a stilted half-smile.

“Thanks.” Despite that response from Axel being slightly hopeful, and downright generous, Roxas felt himself slipping into a depressed funk. This meeting hadn’t gone how he had wished. It also wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but that didn't make Roxas feel better right now.

Roxas made his way to the door and Axel followed, opening it for Roxas and said, “If you need me to do anything for Thursday let me know, okay?”

“Yeah. Will do.” Roxas stepped out of the apartment and stood by the door, looking up at Axel, who rubbed at the back of his head and frowned lightly while his eyes darted hither and thither.

“Thanks again for the breakfast,” Axel said eventually. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Roxas smiled and wanted a hug. “I wanted to.”

Axel gave him a sad looking smile. “Bye, Roxas.”

“Bye, Axel.” And with that the door closed gently. Roxas stood there, pressing his forehead against the door, trying to collect himself before he headed back out. He really hoped they could work things out. Maybe after the court hearing. Maybe.

* * *

 

Days passed, the court hearing drew closer. Axel regretted having to be embroiled in it. He didn’t want to see Roxas. Ignoring him when he had been far away had been easy. Ignoring him when he lived in the same time zone and they had things to organize together was harder.

He tried to find comfort in the knowledge that Roxas wouldn't hang around for very long after the court had been finalized. He hated that Roxas being around bothered him so much though, and made him rather irritated. He hadn’t ever been in serious relationships before. Maybe that’s why it was easier to still be great friends with Kairi and to still talk to Demyx once in a while, but with Roxas? The idea of having him around bugged him. As much as it had been good to see him, Axel didn’t think he could stand to have Roxas hanging around. Completely ignoring him was what had been working for him, so he was looking forward to getting back to it once Roxas left. Until then, Axel kept his contact with Roxas brief and always to the point. Axel didn’t have too much more to do with the court case, but he still had to attend, so mostly they texted each other regarding times to meet on the set day.

When the day arrived, Axel declined any offers of support to tag along. He didn’t need the support, feeling quite confident that they would be fine, particularly since Roxas assured him he had gotten plenty of evidence while he had been in Forrester.

Axel had declined any invitation to take that conversation further. He told himself he didn’t care what Roxas had gotten up to – that it would piss him off more and that Roxas couldn’t be trusted to tell him the truth anyway. He still held grave misgivings over the BFF situation and the fact that Roxas hadn’t said anything about it confirmed his worst suspicions, or at the very least made him feel like Roxas didn’t care and that he wasn’t actually sorry about anything.

Axel pushed all that stuff aside though as he headed to the court that Thursday afternoon.

It was good to see Roxas again, though Axel tried to hold surly bitterness in place of the tender feelings of fondness and attraction which kept welling up inside. Seeing Roxas in his nice suit looking terribly nervous did that to him. He wanted to place his hand on Roxas’ shoulder, rub his back, tell him it would be okay. That was until a tall guy with a swagger walked into the courthouse and gave Roxas a big hug, causing instant suspicion to well up inside Axel. 

Roxas introduced Squall Leonhart to Axel, claiming the man to be his former neighbor and the one who had made the call to the police.

Key witness or not, Axel did not like him. 

When Vanitas showed up with his lawyer in tow and some guy with hair much like Riku’s, Axel was even more suspicious because of the looks Vanitas threw them. 

“Leon,” Vanitas said cooly in passing.

The man gave a curt nod in response. 

As Vanitas passed Axel he caught the sound of, _“Didn’t I tell you he’d get tired of you? He’s gone back to his former fuckbuddy.”_

Axel glared after Vanitas and then grew hyper-aware of how close Roxas and his key witness stood together. Axel tried to forget it. Now was not the time for sweeping assumptions.

Tifa Lockhart arrived, talked them through the next few steps and what would be happening that day, as well as briefly going over all the evidence Roxas had gathered. She had praised Roxas on his exceptional effort and Axel had to agree. There were a few statements, Cheshire's adoption papers, doctor's reports, copies of x-rays and even a psychologist’s report. Axel was surprised and also a smidgen relieved to hear that Roxas had seen a psychologist and especially when he said he would continue to see one after this court case was settled. It certainly appeared that Roxas had been very busy and diligent with his evidence gathering so Axel wanted to know how Mr. Hand-on-Roxas’-shoulder fit into it and how much ‘help’ he had given Roxas.

Truthfully, it was embarrassing even to himself how jealous he felt at that moment. He had been trying to put Roxas behind himself. He had Riku to satisfy him. Maybe he just hated the idea of Roxas being happy? Or being with someone that wasn’t himself? He wondered if Roxas and Squall were going to get together after the court case… if they weren’t together _already._

Axel shook that thought loose and focused on the court hearing as the doors finally opened to the courtroom.

Vanitas and his entourage trooped past. “Can't wait to be rid of this stain on my life,” he let fly as he passed, bumping Roxas a little.

Axel huffed out a big gust of air from his nose and found himself right at Roxas’ side, steadying him with his hands. “Asshole,” he sneered under his breath and returned his attention to Roxas, still holding him by his shoulder, “You ready for this?” Axel said, not taking his hand off Roxas. 

Blue eyes, filled with worry, met Axel. “Yeah. I need this to be over.”

Axel squeezed Roxas gently for support. They both nodded at each other and went inside, closely followed by Tifa and Squall. 

After some time, the hearing began. Evidence was weighed up, arguments were put forward, statements given. Axel kind of admired how much Squall kept his composure when Vanitas’ lawyer laid into him. Accusations regarding an affair were flung about regarding Squall and Roxas’ relationship. The man did not flinch and denied all allegations. 

How heavily Vanitas’ lawyer went for the angle that a false report had been lodged because of jealousy and wanting to break Vanitas and Roxas up, for Squall’s own gains, scared Axel a little. It would have made any man crack, but Squall kept his cool. So either he was a very good liar or nothing had ever happened between them.

Tifa objected many times, declaring the defendant party to be badgering the witness. Eventually, Vanitas’ lawyer dropped that line of questioning and found other things to be nit-picky about.

In this fashion, the court hearing dragged on and on but eventually, all the evidence had been presented and closing statements were given. The court adjourned for a little bit so the judge could come to a decision. Encouraging words were shared amongst the quartet and then one by one they wandered off. 

* * *

 

Roxas stood by a bench, his butt too sore to warrant sitting because of the two-hour long sitting marathon he had just escaped from inside the courtroom.

“Hello, we never had a formal introduction,” came a voice. Roxas looked around to see Vanitas’ silver-haired companion approaching, with his hand outstretched. “My name is Kadaj.” The man smiled and it seemed sincere enough.

Roxas took the man's hand, somewhat dazed, and lamely said, “Roxas,” as they shook firmly. The court experience had proved to be very draining on him. He felt ready to collapse and definitely wasn't hearing what the other man was saying as he chatted to him. Roxas lamely nodded along.

“Daj, don't waste your time talking to him.”

That voice snapped Roxas out of the weary fog and he focused on Vanitas, who approached with a water bottle in hand.

“It’s not a waste. I’m being amicable.”

“Come be amicable with me over here, and this is for you,” Vanitas said, handing the bottle to the other man. 

“Thank you, darling,” Kadaj said and shared a kiss with Vanitas.

Roxas’ breath froze in his lungs.

“Go stretch your legs,” Vanitas said to Kadaj, brushing the silken-looking hair behind the man's ear.

Kadaj glanced between Vanitas and Roxas, leaned in and whispered something to Vanitas, then pulled away and gave him a stern look.

“Promise,” Vanitas said.

Kadaj gave Vanitas another hard look and then a much softer one to Roxas. “It was good to finally meet you, even if it’s under these sort of circumstances.”

Roxas nodded and Kadaj wandered off, cracking open the water bottle and drinking from it.

Roxas watched the other man walk away and then, on realizing that he stood before Vanitas, felt his body crushing in on itself. He wanted to be so small that he could disappear between the cracks in the walls. He wished he weren't alone with Vanitas right now. Where had everyone gone and why weren’t they back yet? 

Vanitas gave Roxas his hard, scrutinizing, golden state. Roxas’ mind raced for something to say. “He seems nice. How long have you two been dating?”

Vanitas hummed, sounding very pleased with himself. “Four months.”

“F-four _months?”_ Roxas ran the calculation through his head. “But… isn't that…”

“Yes, it's _exactly_ what you think. He was there for me; attentive, caring, _loving_. He still is. And the sex is amazing.”

Roxas stared. He thought he had smelled something familiar. Night after night of Vanitas coming home late _reeking_ of someone else. It made Roxas sick to his stomach. He felt the ache in his chest caused by betrayal and guilt. 

He couldn't find the right words to express what was going on for him, which left the space wide open and Vanitas took it, saying, “Funny really, how similar our situations are. Here I am, with the love of my life, and the biggest mistake of my life in the same room. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have _both_ of your biggest mistakes here.”

Roxas frowned at Vanitas, shaking his head a little with confusion. “What?”

“Oh, you are so _thick_. Leon and Axel, you idiot. How long did it take you to dump Axel in favor of your past mistake?”

The cocoon of exhaustion lifted, bringing with it boiling anger which roused him into a wakeful state. His outrage choked the words right out of him but he still tried to form something coherent, “I… I'm not… they’re not… _mistakes_ —you! _You_ though! _You_ were the mistake. You were the _biggest_ mistake of my entire life.” 

Vanitas launched at Roxas, his hands gripping and squeezing around Roxas’ throat. “I'm the best thing you ever had in your fucking, miserable, wasted life, you entitled, selfish little shit,” Vanitas roared in Roxas’ face, his grip tightening.

Roxas gaped for air, and his hands feebly tried to clutch and pull Vanitas’ hands off himself to no avail.

“Get _off_ him! Let _go_ of him!” Leon's usually calm voice boomed with authority and strength from somewhere close by.

Roxas gasped, coughed, and sputtered as the strangulation eased in the blink of an eye. He collapsed to the ground, hunched over on all fours, barely seeing the floor as he sucked in big gulping breaths. 

“I don't know how _anyone_ can stand being around you.” Vanitas’ spat with venom and hatred.

But Roxas didn’t see him or look at him. He could hear the commotion happening just beyond his field of vision. There was shouting and hurried footsteps. Roxas didn’t pay it any mind. He focused on the sweet taste of air in his lungs and the sharp ache which swallowing down his spit and bile caused in the back of his throat.

“Roxas, what happened?” came Axel's high strung voice and his warm touches around Roxas’ sides.

“...” Roxas tried to speak but croaked. 

“Here, have some water.” A bottle was handed to him and Roxas sat up on his haunches, with Axel right by his side and his hand on Roxas’ back, rubbing comfortingly. 

Roxas took the bottle and looked to see Leon and Vanitas a little bit down the hall, seemingly in a heated argument, whilst a security guard stood by. Roxas also saw Kadaj, Tifa, and Vanitas’ lawyer huddled around as well.

He rubbed at his neck and carefully drank some water. He still felt Vanitas’ grip around him. Some sick part of himself felt overjoyed at the physical contact, some other part compared it to past instances (rating this a 5/10,) and another part wanted to apologize for making Vanitas mad in the first place.

“Are you okay, Roxas'?” Axel said, huffing gently against Roxas’ ear. The question dripped with tenderness.

Roxas yearned for a warm hug and soft kisses. He looked at Axel, who knelt so close to him. He felt the warm breath on his skin and the firm, reassuring rhythmic touch on his back. He slumped against Axel's shoulder, savoring the full-on hold-turned-to-a-cuddle as Axel wrapped his other arm around him too and pulled him close.

“I'm all right.”

“You sure? He was choking you!” Axel loosened his grip, pulling away and his fingertips caressed Roxas’ sensitive skin around his neck as he inspected him.

Roxas giggled a little and looked up into Axel's forever-alluring eyes, which widened at Roxas’ reaction.

“That tickles,” Roxas supplied.

“Oh, sorry.” Axel's hand drew away and his whole body did as well.

Roxas missed the physical contact and was about to lean into Axel to try and get it back but footsteps arrived, drawing his eyes up toward Leon.

“Roxas, how are you? Are you hurt? The EMT's want to look at you.” Leon held out his hand and Roxas took it, getting pulled up and casting a longing glance back at Axel, who also rose.

“I feel fine. Bit shaky, that's all.” His legs were jelly under him, causing him to trip and fall against Leon's chest where he was held tight. He wished it could have been Axel instead.

“Come, sit down and let them have a look at you,” Leon instructed, walking Roxas backward and pushing him down onto the bench he had been standing close to.

* * *

 

Axel watched on, anxious fear and mild jealousy coursing through his body. The emergency medical team had arrived and Axel now sat on the opposite side of the wide hallway on a bench, looking on while Roxas got tended to. He fumed quietly at having left Roxas alone. He blamed himself. He should have stayed, instead of gone to get water.

He watched on for several minutes, wringing his hands, throwing death glares at Vanitas who sat far away down the hall being talked to by security. Axel hoped Vanitas would rot in jail for aggravated assault or something.

Axel's mood slumped further as Squall sat down beside him with a hefty sigh. The man had been at Roxas’ side, talking to him, holding his hand, making him laugh, while Roxas had been answering questions this entire time.

Axel grit his teeth and gruffly asked, “He's okay, isn't he?”

“Yeah. The EMT's given the all clear. Ms. Lockhart is having a private word with him now.”

And indeed she was, sitting next to Roxas, quietly, and sternly talking to him about something while Roxas nodded and looked deep in thought.

Axel leaned forward, hunching with his arms resting on his legs. “What happened?” he said in a hushed tone, not expecting a reply.

“Roxas said Vanitas came to talk to him. He says he said the wrong thing and made Vanitas angry, so Vanitas attacked at him.”

“Oh, Roxas.” Axel pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes and rubbed, absolutely hating how nothing seemed to have changed. “It’s not your fault,” he muttered to himself.

Squall, beside him, gave an exasperated sigh. “Roxas was always like this back when we were neighbors. He blamed himself for everything.”

“Did you know how bad it was between them? Did you suspect?” Axel sat up again, fully prepared to jump down Squall's throat for not protecting Roxas.

“I knew they fought – verbally. I knew I couldn’t leave Roxas to sit out in the hallway all night until Vanitas calmed down again.” Squall sat with his arms folded across his chest and a disgruntled frown scrunching up his face. “I tried talking to Roxas, but he blamed himself too much to really hear anything I said, so I stopped trying and we just sat and watched late-night cooking shows.” 

Axel hated that he couldn’t be mad about that. He had been in Squall’s position before. With Xion _and_ Roxas.

Another sigh sounded beside Axel. “I shouldn't have left.” Squall scowled deeply. “Given how volatile Vanitas has always been I should have known better.”

Axel didn't want to absolve to the other man of any guilty feelings. He didn't want to be helpful. “You love Roxas,” he said flatly.

Squall gave Axel a brief, darting look without turning his head. “I care for him… deeply.”

Axel pursed his lips and ground his teeth a little. The asshole couldn’t even say he loved him when it was so obvious? That left a bad taste in his mouth. Axel huffed out some air, got up and walked over to Roxas, as Tifa seemed to be finished with her chat.

“What’s going to happen now?” Axel asked Tifa.

“The judge was informed of what happened and will take that into consideration when sentencing. It might take a little longer now or not. No way of knowing. You sit tight,” she said to Roxas. “Keep an eye on him,” he said to Axel as she walked away.

Axel looked down at Roxas. He was holding an ice pack to his neck and gave Axel a weak smile.

“Hey,” Axel said gently.

“Hey.”

Axel took a deep breath before he said, “Can I—”  
“Can I get anything for you?” Squall said, standing next to Axel.

Roxas shook his head, looked at Axel briefly and then at Squall as he said, “Just some company? I hate all this waiting.”

Squall sat down. Axel was acutely aware of the smile they shared and decided he needed some space.

“Axel?” Roxas called out quietly.

“I’ll be back when we all go in,” he reassured and went down the hall. He felt like a third wheel.

* * *

 

Eventually, the hearing resumed. They all filed back into the courtroom and the judge summarised all the evidence and the case before acknowledging the tumult which happened during the recess. She lambasted Vanitas’ behavior and handed out the sentencing. Vanitas was put on a five-year restraining order with both Roxas and Axel’s names on it. A good behavior bond was also handed down which stipulated that Vanitas had to attend anger management classes for a minimum of six months and he also didn’t get the rights to Cheshire, but he got to keep the business that Roxas had worked on and run.

Vanitas was ordered to leave through a different door from Roxas and that was the last they saw of him. A quiet jubilance ran through the small group. Tifa congratulated them and assured them this was one of the best outcomes for them. 

Celebratory dinner plans were made, but when it turned out that Tifa couldn’t make it Axel quickly invited Kairi out because he didn’t want to be left alone with Roxas and Squall. He also really wanted to celebrate with a dinner though, because the win was huge.

Kairi, thankfully, said yes and met the trio at a nice Italian eatery which wasn’t too far from the courthouse. They all filled Kairi in on what had happened, though not the drama during the recess because Roxas had asked them to pretend like it had never happened and also assured them that he truly was all right. So the evening was spent chatting happily about the other details of the hearing and sentencing, and the relief over it finally being behind them was a palpable presence over dinner. Once that line of conversation ended Kairi thankfully kept the pleasantries rolling as she asked Squall a bunch of questions around what he did, and spoke to him about what she was studying.

After dinner they walked Squall to the hotel he was staying at and Axel and Kairi said goodnight to the man.

Squall still hung around though and said, “Roxas, can I speak with you in private?”

Roxas looked between Squall and Axel. “Uh… sure. Can you guys wait for me?”

Kairi sang out happily, “Of course.”

Roxas walked off, following Squall a little ways down the footpath. They stopped and talked. Axel couldn’t make out what they were saying to each other, but he didn’t like the close proximity between them, nor the way Squall took Roxas’ hand and held it.

“How can Roxas _like_ that guy? He’s as interesting as watching paint dry,” Axel grumbled.

Kairi scoffed and laughed a little. “What have _you_ got to be jealous about? You’re dating him. Are you _that_ insecure?”

Axel glowered. “We broke up.”

 _“Broke up?_ What? _When?”_

“About five weeks ago.”

Kairi pulled Axel around to face her. “The guy you’ve been in love with since your birthday? The guy you could never shut up about?” She smacked him in the shoulder.

“Ow!”

“Why is this the first I’ve heard about it?”

“You’ve been busy,” Axel dismissed.

“You could have told me, regardless.”

Axel shrugged and looked back at the two men, who were still holding hands and talking.

“Are they dating?” Kairi asked, following Axel’s stare.

“Beats me.”

They stood in silence for a bit before Kairi said, “What happened? Why did you two break up?”

“We had a fight,” he said, not taking eyes off the two men in the distance.

“What about?”

“About us. About how he neglected me and how I’m—do you think I only like him because I couldn’t protect Xion?” Axel kept his eyes trained on Roxas and Squall. He had thought about Roxas’ words a million times over. He had begun with outright denying them, but in the last few weeks his denial had wavered, and he wasn’t so sure anymore. Particularly right now because Vanitas’ attack on Roxas in the courthouse had stirred up deep feelings of helplessness and anger inside of himself. But he had questioned his reasons for falling for Roxas even before that had happened. He wondered if his warm feelings would linger, or if they would fizzle out in a few weeks since Roxas was finally safe and Vanitas could at last become a memory relegated to the past.

Axel didn’t know what he would prefer to have happen. All he knew was that he felt Xion’s presence around him, brought on by guilt and regret over not having been there enough for her. He hated not knowing if his feelings for Roxas were because of his failings or because of the man’s own merits. 

Axel wondered whether he would feel differently had he been able to save Xion. All he could hope for was that, with the knowledge of Roxas’ safety, maybe he could have a more relaxed relationship with him – one where he could actually stand the thought of Roxas being with someone else other than himself. Although, seeing Roxas and Squall together now made Axel realize something; he was the insanely jealous type.

“What do you think?” she asked.

He glanced down at her, wondering what they had just been talking about. Xion…. He couldn’t come to a conclusion about that. “I don’t know. Maybe?” He looked back towards Roxas who was right in the process of being kissed on the cheek. Axel’s heart thundered away and his blood boiled. He ground his teeth and clenched his fists.

The kiss ended. Roxas seemed to talk in a flustered way, shook hands with Squall and then waved at him. Squall nodded, looked toward Axel and Kairi and gave them a wave before heading into the hotel. Roxas rejoined them with a bowed head. That posture did nothing to hide Roxas’ burning blush.

“All sorted?” Axel asked.

Roxas nodded. The lack of further explanation made Axel seeth.

“So, what now?” Kairi asked.

“Hometime. It’s late and I’m bushed,” Axel said, forcing a yawn out.

They all headed towards Kairi’s apartment, to make sure she got home safely. Roxas chatted with Kairi, inquiring how she had been and what was new in her life. Axel listened in. There were a lot of things Axel already knew about and one piece of information he hadn’t been aware of, but which came to the surface as they reached her apartment block.

“Can I get you two to wait down here while I run up and grab some flyers?”

“Flyers? What’re you flogging that you can’t put up for sale online?” Axel asked, hands deep in pockets and avoiding looking at Roxas, who still walked around like he had the world on his shoulders.

“My flatmate’s moving out soon. I need to find a replacement or rent will kill me. I don’t want to put it up online. I’d rather just do the local area. Maybe find a nice uni student to share with. Will you guys help me put stuff up around the place?”

Axel shrugged.

Roxas looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded. “Yeah, I can help put them around the place.”

“Yeay! Thanks, Roxas. At least _one of you_ is nice.” Kairi excused herself and headed into the apartment block, leaving the men to stand around in awkward silence.

Cars drove past, casting long shadows down the mostly empty street with their headlights. Roxas shifted from one foot to the other, arms wrapped around himself, but not from the cold. It was early fall so the night was still quite pleasant.

Axel tried to ignore the torn feeling inside himself. He didn’t know whether to be an indifferent ass or to be caring. He tried to distract himself with his phone, but as there were no message on it he looked at Roxas, which unfortunately made his heart give out, “Are you really all right from what Vanitas did to you? You look… miserable. Are you upset about not getting the business under your name? After all the work you did on that…” Axel was happy to fume on Roxas’ behalf about it.

Roxas’ shoulders heaved with a quiet sigh. “No, it’s nothing like that. It just… never gets easier seeing him. And… today aside… he’s always had to have the last word. It’s nothing new. Him being like that is nothing new but I still wish… y’know.”

Axel hummed. “That things could be different between you?”

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. I wish we could be friends. I mean… I don’t think it would be good for us to _be_ friends but I wish things would be different. Since they’re not though… I’m glad it’s finally over and that he can’t be in my life anymore but on the other hand… I think I’ll miss him. It’s stupid but he was a massive part of my life. Now that we can’t see each other any more I don’t know what to do with myself. The court stuff kept us connected but now… there’s nothing left.”

Axel felt a twinge in his soul. Somehow that hit way too close to home. “What’re you going to do now? Go back home?”

Blue eyes raised up to meet Axel’s green. “Would it be a problem for you if I stayed here a little while longer? I know you don’t like me much – and I don’t blame you for it.”

Axel opened his mouth to try and correct Roxas’ statement, because there was so much wrong with it but Kairi came back down, a big smile on her face.

“I'm back! If you could both take a pile each I’ll love you two forever and ever.” Kairi held out two hefty reams of paper for each of them.

Roxas took his pile and studied the flyers. “People just contact you if they're interested?”

“Yup. My number is there. If anyone asks, rent will be three hundred a week, electricity and water is included. But I only want serious offers. People who are planning on staying around for at least two years. I hate the uncertainty of not having a reliable flatmate.”

Roxas nodded, shuffling the papers into a bag he had been carrying with him whilst Axel sighed and begrudgingly rolled the sheets up and tucked them into his back pocket as best he could.

The three of them said their goodnights and Kairi congratulated them again on the court victory before racing back into her apartment block, leaving Axel alone with Roxas. They stood around in the dark. Cars continued to pass by.

“Well, I’d better be off. Night, Axel.” Roxas gave a small, forced-looking smile and began walking. A sudden dread overcame Axel. He hated this awkwardness between them. He hated that he was definitely the cause of it. He couldn’t forgive so easily, but he wanted to give Roxas an opportunity to try and mend it. “Hey, can I walk you to your motel?” 

“Oh… if you’re sure. But I’m fine, really. I can make my own way back.”

“I want to.”

“Oh, okay.” The smallest smile lifted Roxas’ lips and damn if that didn’t stir Axel right up.

Roxas began walking again and Axel followed, falling into step with him, hands still deep in his pockets, fiddling with the cold metal object inside. Would it be better for Roxas to believe Axel didn’t like him? Would it be better for Axel to know that Roxas thought he didn’t like him? Did Axel want to start a new relationship with Roxas? There were still many misgivings sitting in his heart. There were still a lot of things Roxas needed to make up for and explain himself over. Plus… there was that _other_ thing. 

Axel tried to sort his thoughts in a logical sequence as they walked through the night-filled city in silence. Plenty of people still mingled and milled about as they came to a main street.

Finally, having found a place to start, Axel began trying to fish for answers, “Are you dating Squall?” It was a valid question. During the hearing Vanitas’ lawyer had tried to ask about Squall and Roxas’ current relationship, but it had been deemed irrelevant to the point in question – which had all been about their past relationship – so for all Axel knew there could be something there. Nothing that had happened that day dissuaded him of that thought.

“Squ… oh, you mean Leon? No.”

That answer was a bit of a relief. “But he kissed you.”

Roxas stayed quiet for a while, but then, “He likes me.”

Axel clenched his jaw. “Do you like him?”

“No. Well, yeah. A little. Maybe? He’s… been really supportive over the years. I did like him more back when I lived in Forrester. Van and I were arguing about Leon when we had our massive fight. Everything Leon said on the witness stand is true. I stayed at his place whenever Van kicked me out, but we never did anything. I like him because he was… nice to me.” Roxas winced and Axel did too. “In the past, I thought about how nice it might be to sleep with him just because he wasn’t Van, but nothing ever happened.”

“What about now though? He kissed you.”

Roxas fell quiet once again. They walked for a while longer through city streets. The sound of their footfalls drowned out every time a car drove past. The chatter of people ebbed and flowed as they passed busy eateries. Irritation and anxiety churned up the longer Axel had to wait for a response, but he focused on trying to keep his temper in check.

“You don't trust me much, do you.” Roxas eventually said, and there was something very defeated in his voice.

“Can you really blame me?”

Roxas stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “No, I can't. I don't. But it hurts, Ax. That’s why I got so upset with you. Van always threw me being untrustworthy into my face. So much so that sometimes I even believed him, even now, after we haven’t spoken in so long. And, that coming from you as well… I can’t stand it. I hate that you think of me like that.” Roxas grimaced and his arms tightly tucked around himself, holding on and keeping the emotions in. “I fucking hate that you and Van and everyone might be right.” The pained frown grew more pronounced.

Roxas continued, sounding upset, “I keep letting everyone down. I keep saying things but doing the opposite. I'm awful. I cheated on Vanitas with you. Even though we never did anything, I still cheated on him. My heart wasn’t with him. I wanted you when I had him – because you were so nice.” Roxas started walking again, and his voice grew harder as he said, “Of course, you can’t trust me. I cheated on someone I was supposed to love once, of course, I would do it again, right? That’s what you’re thinking. That’s why you hate me and never want to be with me ever again.”

An uncomfortable feeling came over Axel. He followed closely behind. “I don’t hate you, Rox. But I… yeah, I also don’t trust you. Can you be honest with me now and tell me if you did cheat on me? Ever? With anyone?”

Roxas gave him a sharp but teary frown. He kept walking, his pace fast. “I didn’t. As far as I know, I didn’t. But I’m so dumb that maybe I did without ever knowing it.”

Axel wanted to believe Roxas, but the doubt in the man’s words made Axel uneasy. “Whaddya mean by that?”

“You were right, you know. I really do have a blind-spot when it comes to friends or people I trust. Leon asked me out for dinner when I was in Forrester getting all my shit together.”

Axel glanced down at the top of Roxas’ bowed head as they walked side-by-side. “Like on a date?”

Roxas laughed without mirth. “Yeah, like on a fucking date. I didn’t realize though. I said yes and we went out for many dinners over two weeks. I never knew he had feelings for me. I never thought he liked me back when I was with Vanitas, and I definitely didn’t think he liked me now.”

An unsettling thought began to form in Axel’s head. “You liked him back then, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you have cheated on Vanitas if you had known Squall liked you too?”

“Honestly, is there even a point in me telling you? You won’t believe me anyway,” he said glumly.

“Let me decide for myself,” Axel pushed.

Roxas sighed. “I wouldn’t have, because the idea of Leon being there for me is what I loved. I didn’t actually want him – not for a relationship, and I’m not into one night stands either.” Roxas kept walking, his head sunk lower and shoulders up around his ears.

That posture made Axel tense. He wanted to demand Roxas be truthful with him but got stopped short as Roxas started talking again, “Look, the point is that I’m really dumb. I didn’t even think Leon liked me. I thought the dinners were just casual. Plus, it gave me something to do to distract myself, because being in Forrester, with all those memories and reminders, was really fucking hard.”

That was the third time Roxas had mentioned what an awful experience that leg of his journey had been. Axel had ignored it but seeing Roxas like this now he couldn’t. “I’m sorry you had such a hard time,” he said softly, his heart going out to him.

Roxas’ posture relaxed a little, his pace slowed a fraction. “Thanks,” he muttered. “I’ve learned a lot about myself these last two months. I never realized how naïve I was. I didn’t know Leon thought we were dating until he asked for a kiss.”

The developing softness in Axel snapped into rigid tension. “Did you?”

Roxas stepped to the side, out of the main thoroughfare of the footpath, and stood next to a wall. He wore a big scowl, frowning at the ground and the cold dread of acknowledgment trickled down Axel’s spine.

“Yes. I did. I made out with him.”

Axel let out the breath he was holding.

“I know I keep making the same mistakes. I have a hard time, I go find someone to distract me. Leon was someone I could trust. He has been there for me for years. I had a crush on him. He was my rock when I was kicked out. He was always there for me and supportive. He was there for me when I had to go back to that awful place. The same sort of feelings came up again, and yes, I kissed him. But that’s as far as it got. I realized what I was doing and stopped it so it never went any further.”

A heaviness squished Axel’s insides. He partly blamed himself. If he hadn’t shut Roxas out maybe _he_ could have been Roxas’ emotional rock during that hard time, but then the other part of himself screamed that Roxas didn’t want him and called him a moron for forgetting that bit. “So you never slept with him,” he said, just to get everything 100% clear in his head.

“Never.”

“And you’re not in a relationship with him.”

“No. I’m not.”

While that was a relief Axel’s heart also raced with discomfort. He _knew_ there had been a reason to dislike Squall. “What was all that hand-holding and kiss-on-the-cheek about at the hotel?”

“He told me he still likes me, and asked me if I changed my mind. But I haven’t, and I won’t. I think that chapter of my life is over, and I don’t want old memories hanging around.” Roxas’ shoulders rose once more and his head sunk.

Silence descended on them. Axel quietly absorbed and tried to sort the information Roxas shared with him. He was glad they were talking in person. If they had discussed this over the phone Axel would have snapped half a dozen times already. Something about seeing Roxas, and how uncomfortable and upset he was with himself, made everything more believable and quelled his outrage. Past feelings of affection – of wanting to protect Roxas – rose up as well, which made him nervous and uncomfortable. He tried to ignore them, focusing instead on the disastrous feelings and the horrible things they had said to each other, to try and keep himself in check. Axel didn’t want to forgive too readily, but he also didn’t want to resent Roxas forever either. The last two months had been pretty shit.

“You don’t have to come with me,” Roxas said.

“No, I want to walk you home. I think… it’s good for us to walk and talk.”

Roxas smiled thinly, nodded and started walking again.

They arrived at a bus stop and only waited a few short minutes before a bus arrived. It was a very quiet fifteen minute trip between the two of them. They just sat next to each other, shoulders bumping together as the bus jostled them about. There was something nice about it. Axel had really missed Roxas’ presence but wasn’t completely sure if he would be happier if Roxas left or stayed in Pensacola.

The bus took them out of the densely populated city center. Double and single-story houses began popping up. Trees and grass opened up the space between buildings. They got off the bus and walked another block before arriving at the motel Roxas was staying at. The neon sign of the motel had a few blown-out bulbs, while others flickered with their soon-approaching death throes. Cars were dormant in the parking lot. Some lights were on in a few of the motel rooms. A few people were out on the provided deck chairs, boozing away and laughing. The place felt seedy.

Axel followed Roxas, who walked up to one of the doors and then stilled. Roxas breathed in deeply before turning to face Axel. “I want you to know a few things about what happened to me and what I did back in Atlantica before we say goodnight.”

There was an unmistakable weight to Roxas’ words making Axel tense. He frowned a little. “What happened.”

“Do you want to come in?” Roxas motioned to the door.

“No,” Axel shook his head. He felt it safer to stay out in public especially since he had no idea what to expect of what Roxas wanted to tell him.

“Oh. Okay. Um… before I tell you… I—” he sighed, eyes darting on and off Axel. “With everything that’s happened, it’s become a lot clearer to me how much you mean to me. Like, _truly_ mean to me. The feelings I had for you while I was with Vanitas are still here, they’re still real.”

Those words ached. Axel’s frown deepened. He tried to breathe through the nervousness brought on by the unknown. “You ever doubted that they were?”

“Sometimes… I wondered,” Roxas’ hesitant reply was as good as a dagger to Axel’s heart. Roxas however quickly followed up with, “But it’s definitely not like that now though.”

 _‘Like that makes it any better,’_ Axel thought with upset. He tried to ignore it. “Don’t keep me hanging, what did you want to tell me?”

“Um… after we broke up… after the last time we spoke and I told you I needed space, I went out with Hayner to party and just relax.” Roxas took another deep breath. His eyes were now hovering somewhere around Axel’s waist. “That night I made out with, like, two guys,” eyes flicked up to glance at Axel and then dove back down, “and I was a bit tipsy and – well, I guess it doesn't matter how it happened so I won’t use it as an excuse, but – Hayner kissed me… and… I kissed him back.”

The night was getting better and better. Not only had he received a stab to the heart, but he was now also getting lit on fire. Axel huffed out sharply through his nose. He knew it. He had fucking _known it._ What a hollow and bitter victory. 

“But that’s as far as it ever got. I pushed him off me and I yelled at him. He told me that he apparently liked me. I can’t believe I was too stupid to see it. I told him I couldn’t and didn’t want to be with him.” Big, glistening, blue eyes trained on Axel. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for not believing you – not trusting you. I should have listened. I—” Eyes fell again. Roxas turned away a little, holding his head in his hand. “I never slept with him. I swear to you. I swear I never did. Not before we broke up, not after. There was only ever that one drunken kiss. It was so stupid—I keep fucking up and doing the same stupid mistakes,” he muttered with distaste. 

Roxas breathed out a heavy sigh and lifted his head, turning his up to the partially cloud-covered sky and stared for a while before he gave Axel a quick look and then stared back at the ink black sky. “Do you have a brother?”

“Huh? Yeah, I do.”

Roxas nodded. “Thought so. He’s a security guy, right? At – well, I never got the clubs name. But I met him. He was coming to get Hayner off me. And then he hit on me.” Roxas huffed out some laughter.

Axel glared, not at Roxas, but at the mental image of his dumb brother. He made a mental note to grill him about this another time. “We do have a similar taste in guys,” he muttered.

Roxas looked back down to the ground. Arms wound around himself. “I’m such a dumb whore. I did so many dumb things and I’m completely oblivious to guys liking me. And for some reason so many guys like me. Like… what is with that?” he seemed to mutter to himself.

Roxas was being self-deprecating, honest, and humble. It was very endearing to Axel and he couldn’t be all too mad since this is what he had wanted from Roxas. He thought he needed to be more careful what he wished for though because these confessions stung. He suddenly wished none of this had ever happened, just in case some deity out there was paying attention and feeling generous. But nothing magically changed at that moment. Roxas just looked more miserable with Axel’s silence and it broke him. “So you kissed a few guys, that’s hardly grounds for calling yourself a whore.”

Roxas shot him a look and shook his head. “No, don’t even _dare_ excuse my actions. It gets _worse!_ After the Hayner thing I went out into the night, found some dive-bar and got, like, blind-drunk with some guy and,” a distasteful look of disgust crossed Roxas’ face, “slept with him. A day after I told you that I didn’t want to be with you because I needed space. I’m such a fucking hypocrite.”

“What?” Axel breathed out with no air left in his lungs to form words. His body tensed and his hand clenched into a fist. Why was every second thing out of Roxas’ mouth another dumping of shit on his feelings? He felt… _betrayed?_ Hurt? Infuriated? After everything Roxas had thrown at him about needing time away – to end up sleeping with some random guy…. Deep inside himself, there was a voice that whispered, _‘At least it wasn’t Hayner.’_ Axel felt dull inside. “You had sex?” came out dumbly.

“Yeah. It wasn’t a slumber party. I let some guy fuck me and…” Roxas buried his face in the palm of his hand, “He was really nice. He was actually _really_ nice. We still talk. I think I feel the worst about that. If we didn’t talk it would have been a meaningless one night stand, but it feels like it wasn’t. Who makes friends with a one night stand?”

Axel coughed, drawing Roxas’ eyes to him. “Uh… I did.”

“Really?”

Axel nodded. His one-night stand even became his boyfriend. Was now a good time to bring that up? Maybe he should. He didn’t know why he was trying to make Roxas feel better right now.

“Why’re you trying to make me feel better about this?” Roxas frowned with confusion.

Axel shrugged. “If you think you’re a whore, I’m God whore.”

“It’s always one-upmanship with you, isn’t it,” Roxas huffed out lightly. Axel wasn’t sure if it was with laughter or annoyance.

“Yeah. I like winning at everything.” He smiled at Roxas. As upset as he was, thinking of Roxas being with someone else, he couldn’t be angry. “I slept around a lot – like a _lot_ a lot – to make myself feel better about you dumping me.” Those days after their last conversation had been crazy. Axel had told himself he was doing it to make up for lost time and lost opportunities, but he had come to accept that he had been kidding himself. Roxas had been important to him and Axel hadn’t known how to deal with the loss. He was grateful that he had Riku around to help him see that. A small sound drew Axel’s attention back to Roxas.

The bitter sadness in Roxas’ eyes lingered. “I’m really sorry that I hurt you.”

Now Axel was beginning to feel uncomfortable for a whole other reason. Annoyance and anger were beginning to leave him, which was unfortunate. Those two emotions were safe things to hide behind. He didn’t want to feel for Roxas – didn’t want to care. He was allowed to be upset – but that face – that tremendous hurt in those big dripping tears— 

“I’m sorry,” Roxas whimpered, clutching himself tightly.

Axel’s heart began to break. Roxas had been open with him about a bunch of stuff he could have kept to himself. He had admitted to being wrong… maybe Axel had to as well. He cleared his throat and looked at the building across the street. “Maybe—I was… _am_? still really upset about Xion? Maybe I put some shit on you that I shouldn't have; expectations, and hopes, and stuff to make myself feel better.” Axel could feel Roxas looking at him and ventured a peek at him after a moment. He was met with the smallest smile.

“Thanks for being honest with me, Ax. We both weren’t treating each other fairly.”

Axel nodded, “Yeah.”

Roxas looked towards his motel and then back at Axel. Lips rubbed together and chest heaved. “I… I’d like to try again with you. I wanna try to be a better boyfriend. Can we try again? _Please?”_

Axel’s chest tightened. The offer was… Axel didn’t know how he felt about it. A part of him was happy, another part resentful. He wanted and didn’t want Roxas, all at once. Ultimately, it didn’t matter though, because Axel had his principles and he was going to stick by them. He was done with making exceptions for Roxas. “No. We can’t.”

“Can’t?”

“I’m with someone,” Axel said sternly.

“Huh?” Roxas breathed out just above a whisper.

“I’m dating. Got a boyfriend.”

“Since when?”

“A few weeks after you told me you had enough of me.”

“One of… your one-night stands?” Roxas began to look a little pale even in the dark.

“Yeah, but he was a very regular one night stand so we connected.”

“Oh, I see.” Eyes fell to the concrete floor.

The schadenfreude wasn't very long-lived. Roxas looked so dejected that it made Axel ache. He hated feeling like this. He hated caring so much. “And… look, honestly… even if I wasn’t with anyone I don't want to be with you, how you are right now. I need you to be able to talk to me, not hide things, and I need you to get over—maybe not _get over_ but… I need you to feel better about yourself. I need you to not bring the shit with your ex into the relationship. You get me?”

“Yeah. I do. I’m… I agree. I still have stuff to work through. I’m going to see a therapist and get help and… and make myself better for… me. And… us.” Roxas frowned with uncertainty.

Axel chewed his lip. It sounded promising. “I’m glad you agree.”

Roxas nodded and slowly raised his eyes to look at Axel. “W-what does that mean for us right now though? I still want to stay friends with you. I want to try and be a better friend to you and everyone in general. Is that okay? Can we work on being friends together?”

That was such a difficult question to answer. The boyfriend one had been easy because there was no option, but this one? This however… “Yeah. I don’t hate you, Roxas. You hurt me, but I don’t hate you, okay?”

Roxas winced but smiled.

Axel hoped the other man wasn’t going to start crying. Seeing Roxas sad was one of his biggest weaknesses and made the protective part in himself flare up.

Roxas chewed on the inside of his cheek before saying, “Thanks for walking me back to the motel. You’ll be okay going home? Want me to call you a cab?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Okay. Good night.” Roxas tried for a smile but Axel could see the struggle and the way his eyes shimmered. Roxas turned away to unlock his motel door.

Axel thought back on everything they had been through – on everything they had shared. He couldn’t say it aloud but he still felt the ember of love deep in his chest. “Hey, Rox.”

Roxas turned around. Tear tracks on his cheeks glistened in the motel signs reflected light. “Hm?”

Axel breathed through the sting in his chest. “You still got it?”

“What?”

“Your penguin.”

Eyebrows raised a bit, lips trembled slightly. “Yeah.” He dug into a pocket pulled out something small and silver. He held it out toward Axel and in a brittle voice asked, “You want it back?”

A huff seeped out of Axel and a smile softened his face and insides. “No, keep it.” He took his hand out of his own pocket and stretched it out towards Roxas, showing the penguin he had been fiddling with all day. “I’ll keep mine too.”

A sweet, yet sad smile painted Roxas’ face. He nodded slightly, turned, and fiddled with a key, unlocking his door and leaving Axel out in the night air.

Axel turned away, heading to the bus stop. He had thought of giving the penguin back. He had thought he was done with Roxas forever, but now… now he wasn’t so sure anymore. It was nice to know Roxas felt rotten for what he had done. It gladdened Axel’s heart that Roxas _wanted_ things to be better between them, still _wanted_ him. It was nice that he hadn’t made a big fuss of Axel’s own mistake. 

Maybe, one day, they would be together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot happened in this chapter. I hope it was satisfying, particularly because I'm going on a TTP posting hiatus now. I've been busy and need a break from this, but I'm also excited to get some quiet time where I don't have to edit my currently posting chapters so I can focus on writing the things that need to be written.
> 
> I'll hopefully have some more chapters for you soon. At this point, it looks like there will be 36 chapters. And I have other AkuRoku things I'll be posting.
> 
> Feel free to follow me on social media. I've got links to things on my [profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cream_pudding/profile).


	28. The Other Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas adjusts to being just friends with Axel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO THERE!!! God, it feels good to be posting again! It’s almost been three months but THE STORY IS BACK!!!! *throws confetti*
> 
> I really need to thank [sujurean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sujurean) and [Candied](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Candied). Without you two this story... seriously... it would just be at the bottom of the sea. Thank you two for the insightful discussions, feedback, and banter. It's helped me hugely in staying motivated, in looking at things in a different light and getting this baby to a point where I am almost done with it. I love you guys. You are my true heroes!
> 
> Also a huge shout-out to my ever-present beta Kunoichi21. Thank you for accommodating my self-imposed deadlines ❤️
> 
> *coughs* Sappy stuff aside, I have been re-writing and re-plotting like mad. I am very happy with how it’s turned out and feel in a good spot to start posting chapters again. I haven’t _actually_ finished rewriting everything yet (currently working through chapter 37) but I’m in the end game now and I _think_ that anything I write where I’m currently at with the story won’t be impacted by the stuff that’s happened previously, so there shouldn’t be a need to go back to a previous chapter and change a _tiny_ detail to help make sense of what I’m currently writing about in this chapter. Because I _have_ had to do that while rewriting all these chapters. Just adding a tiny detail to the story so I could have my payoff way later. It’s been great fun! And I do mean that.
> 
> For those interested, it looks like I’ll have about 38 chapter - possibly up to 40 - depending on what I do with chapter 37. Updates, for now, will be fortnightly to give me enough time to finish re-writing the end bits. If I have another minor hiatus you will know I haven’t managed it in time, but it should no way be as long as this hiatus which just passed.
> 
> So anyway, onto chapter warnings… we are right back here with a suicidal ideation warning. Not the welcome back anyone needs really, but there you go (or maybe it’s what you’ve been craving, who knows, you sickos 😋). 
> 
> Please, enjoy.

The days after the court case were brutal on Roxas—emotionally speaking. Vanitas was severed from him, and the news that Axel was taken served as a crushing blow. He felt completely alone and stranded and didn’t know where to turn.

Axel had been his pillar of strength. Roxas had banked on Axel being there for him – on taking him back instantly; it had been a foolish hope, one he should never have had, and he paid for it now. He didn’t know how to be friends with Axel. They had _never_ been good at it. He remembered a long past make-out session on the roof, despite them having declared each other to be _friends_. _Friends_. That idea was laughable at best, and completely heartbreaking at worst. The thought of Axel being with someone else hurt, and he didn’t feel strong enough to keep up a pretense of everything being all right between them, which is why he needed to keep his distance.

He increased his time working at Aerith’s flower shop, he buried himself in the course work he had to catch up on, and also made himself available at the animal shelter he had gotten in touch with when he had still been in Atlantica over a month ago.

Axel messaged him from time to time, which was very nice but didn’t quell the numb, sick feeling inside. Axel also started sending photos of Cheshire again, asking when Roxas would come around to say hi. But he was too busy to arrange a time that would suit himself and Axel. Of course, his busy schedule was all self-imposed, and he could easily have cut back but he didn’t want to. He was too nervous and fearful of the ache getting worse; of him saying or doing something reprehensible; of Axel changing his mind about them staying friends.

He knew he couldn’t keep this level of activity up indefinitely though. He needed to start trying to be friends with Axel, something which Hayner, of all people, reinforced when they spoke over the phone—

_“You went back to be with him. You’ve done everything to be with him. Broke up with the grump, went to court—I still can’t believe you ‘did’ that. You’ve got huge balls, man, and you also turned down your awesome best friend, all to be with this guy.”_

Roxas huffed with gentle laughter as he sat on the dilapidated couch in his motel room.

_“You’re seriously saying you’re just gonna give up now? That you’ve got cold feet? The guy is important to you. Don’t throw away the things that are important to you.”_

“Yeah. I know, it’s so dumb.”

_“What’re you scared of?”_

“What would I talk to him about? What’s it going to be like to be in the same room with him? Can I hug him? Can we sit together? All I want is for him to hold me, but he can’t, and that’s a reminder that we can’t be together because I fucked up.”

_“Woah, c’mon, Pineapple. You are making mountains out of molehills. Being friends with someone you’re crushing on isn’t that difficult or complicated.”_

Hayner’s words sent a sting of self-awareness through Roxas. “How are you doing, Hay? How are _we?”_

_“I think ‘we’ are fine. I’ve really like talking to you more and knowing what’s happening in your life. What about you?”_

“Yeah, no, I agree with you.” Roxas sat up a little straighter. “Is it weird hearing me talking about Axel? Do I talk about him too much? Does it hurt? Do you still have the same kind of feelings for me?” Roxas needed to know what he could possibly experience when he started hanging out with Axel again.

Hayner hummed softly. _“I still feel like I love you, yeah. But it’s fine. Talking to you’s helping. Not keeping it a secret is helping. Maybe it was just a bit of a crush. I just really like having my best friend back in my life. Maybe that’s what I missed the most. Hard to say.”_

“Aww, Hay.”

_“Don’t get all sappy on me, dude. That’s so gay.”_

“Sure thing, bro!”

They both laughed.

“Do you think if I stay away from Axel, he’ll miss me more and dump his boyfriend and come be with me again?”

_“No clue. I do think you shouldn’t think so much and just go be with him. If there is bad blood between you, it’s not gonna get better by you keeping your distance. If you go hang out with him, it’ll remind him of how good it was between you two. That’s my best guess.”_

“Like between us two?”

_“Yeah, sort of like that, I guess.”_

Roxas hummed. “Thanks for the advice. How’s your dating life going?”

_“Oh… you sure I need to tell you? Hasn’t Sora filled you in on everything already anyway?”_

They shared another laugh.

“He’s told me all the superficial stuff; helping you pick out clothes, taking you out to bars and nightclubs to meet dudes. But I want to know about the stuff you don’t tell him.” Roxas grinned from ear to ear.

Hayner chuckled quietly through the line. _“There’s nothing to tell.”_

“Yeah, there is. Sora says you haven’t been going out so much with him anymore. Which we both know means that you’ve found someone. So, who is it? What’re they like?”

_“Well… it’s not exclusive or anything… so I’m not like ‘dating’ him, but… his name’s Ethan. He likes extreme frisbee, so I’ve been going with him to tournaments and he’s teaching me, and I’m teaching him how to be good at pool so… that’s something I guess.”_

“Hell yes, that’s something _huge_ , Hay! You two really like each other?”

Hayner hummed tentatively. _“He’s fun. He seems to like me enough. We make out a lot, especially after he wins matches, or he beats me at pool – I let him. I’m kind that way.”_

Roxas chuckled at that. “Way to butter him up.”

_“It’s more like he’s buttering me up. Ah… I get a bit freaked out when he gets too handsy though. So far, he’s cool with us taking things slow. I told him I’m new to this scene and still getting comfortable with myself.”_

“Oh, that’s good to hear. You need to watch out. If you don’t want to do something be firm and don’t let him pressure you.”

_“Yeah. I’ll keep that in mind.”_

Hayner’s voice lacked energy, making Roxas concerned. “Is something wrong?”

_“How do I know if I want him to… er… do me, or if I want to be the one to… you know.”_

“Oh. Uh… do you know his preference?”

 _“He said he likes to top, so… yeah.”_ The nervousness in Hayner’s voice was palpable. _“How… how did you know what you liked? What ‘do’ you like?”_

“I…” Roxas took a deep breath and sank back against the couch. “Some guys don’t… um… orgasm from anal, but it can still feel nice. I ah… _can,_ so…” Roxas felt himself turning red from the awkward conversation. Maybe if Hayner hadn’t professed his feelings for him this would be different. “But I think I’d prefer… doing the… _dicking._ It feels nice to me.”

_“Whaddya mean you ‘think’. You’ve never done it?”_

“I ah… can we change the subject?”

 _“Yeah,”_ Hayner said, sounding relieved.

“Thanks. I think the main way for you to go about figuring out what you might like is by giving things a go – but only with someone you feel you can trust and who will stop when you want them to stop.” Roxas suddenly remembered Hayner wanting to sleep with him because of their friendship and because Hayner could trust him. Roxas quickly moved on before the guilt tore him to shreds, “So, I think you could do a lot of… anal play. Fingers and toys. Get Ethan involved or whoever really, and if that feels nice and you get used to it then you can try the real thing.”

Hayner gave a thoughtful hum and slowly said, _“Thanks Rox. I feel better asking you about this stuff.”_

“Happy to help.” Roxas smiled and breathed a bit easier.

_“I still think you should go hang out with Axel.”_

Roxas’ heart plummeted. “Noted.”

* * *

 

Roxas stayed busy for around two weeks after the court hearing. It wasn’t _just_ because of Axel. It was also to not think about Vanitas. Some days he wanted to walk past Vanitas’ work or home, but he thankfully never did. He did, however, walk past Organization 13 occasionally, but never made it closer than that.

A lot of thoughts ran through Roxas’ head; the majority bad, and a few sparks of hope here and there. And when he had no more hope left, when everything felt too bleak and unmanageable, he called Sora.

_“You can’t give up now, Rox. You’re so ‘close’!”_

“He’s got a _boyfriend_. Do you _understand?_ ”

_“It can’t be a permanent situation. No way. If Axel didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t be holding onto your little totem, right?”_

“I guess,” Roxas said glumly, staring at the penguin he held aloft between his fingers as he lay on his creaky bed.

_“Look, you guys will be together again someday. For now, you just have to wait for that boat to come back in to dock. He’s not going to be out there with that guy forever, you just have to be patient and make sure you don’t go crazy until then.”_

The conversation kept going—mostly one-sided. Sora reassured, joked, and wistfully spoke of the days beyond when both of them would be sitting on a beach, watching the sunset with Axel and Sora’s Mr. Silver-hair at their sides.

Sora’s brimming positivity made Roxas feel a little bit better, but it wasn’t long lasting and wasn’t quite what he was hoping for either. Not that he knew _what_ he was really looking for when he had made the phone call to Sora. Maybe validation. Maybe complete beratement, because he felt appalled at himself for wanting Axel back so badly. After everything he had been through – pushing Axel away to give himself space – it didn’t sit well with him that he seemed ready to jump back into a relationship with the other man. His self-annoyance didn’t stop him from staring at his lamp and phone each night as he drifted off to sleep. He so often thumbed over the cracks of his screen thinking about all the awful feelings in him on that day and swore to himself that he wouldn’t get the screen fixed until his heart mended. He thought himself as such a lovesick puppy. It upset him enough that he decided to dig out that number Hannah had given him and went back into therapy, to talk to someone who was trained in helping him sort through his thoughts.

It was another week before Roxas found himself outside of Axel’s apartment again, having been buzzed up. He rang the doorbell, fighting the sea of nervous nausea in his belly as he waited. Axel opened the door with an innocuous smile. It hit Roxas like a ton of bricks. He dug up a smile of his own from deep within and stepped through the doorway.

“Good to see you. You’re a hard man to get ahold of lately.” Axel closed the door behind Roxas, who was already kneeling on the floor, patting Cheshire because he desperately needed a distraction.

He couldn’t admit to Axel that his busy status had been on purpose. “Sorry that I’ve not been able to lock down a time before now. There’s been so much to do.” Despite the heaviness in his chest, Roxas couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he schmoozed with his cat, who was all headbutts and purrs. It was genuine happiness that swept through him and washed out all the crap misery he had wallowed in for too many weeks. Such was the power of pets.

“Yeah?” Axel went to the dining table and pulled out a chair to sit on. “What’s been happening with you? All you ever tell me is that you’re busy.”

“I’ve wanted to tell you in person.” Roxas glanced up at Axel, hating how alluring and drop-dead gorgeous he was with his defined features, striking eyes, luxurious colored hair, and foxy tattoos. Roxas forgot how to breathe for a second. How was he going to manage a friendship?

He picked up his cat and walked over to Axel, depositing the purring creature onto the man’s lap, where she made herself comfortable. Roxas then walked around to the other side of the table and took a seat opposite of Axel. Space between them would be a good start in learning to be friends. He swept his fingertips across the table a bit. “Um… I’ve got a part-time job, I’m volunteering at an animal shelter, and I’m also trying to keep up my sewing skills – I’m trying to improve on hand-stitched stuff, just while I’m at the motel. I don’t want to get a sewing machine just yet.”

Axel whistled. “Wow, all that would definitely keep you busy. It kind of sounds like you’re settling in for the long-haul.”

Deep dread gripped Roxas. He didn’t know how this would go down but hoped for the best. “Yeah… I, um, I am. Y’know, while I was away and had a chance to clear my head, I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I aimed for a few things in the past but never achieved any of them and I can’t even be bothered blaming Vanitas for that stuff anymore. He doesn’t deserve it.” He frowned intensely at the table. “I need to take a lot more responsibility for my actions and choices.” Roxas ran his fingers against the table’s edge with more speed. He really had thought about it a lot. He knew what he needed to do for himself. But admitting it to Axel felt hard because Roxas – despite Axel saying they could be friends – still felt unwelcomed. But he needed to tell him. “So, I decided that I’m going to follow through with the things I say I’m gonna do. I’ve been a massive disappointment to my parents, and myself. I’m changing all that, so I’ve gone back to uni. It’s kind of also what’s been keeping me busy the most.”

A surprised sound left Axel.

Roxas glanced up. “I’ve been catching up on the weeks I missed since I came back too late to start at the beginning of term.”

“What’re you studying? You gonna finish your architecture course?”

Roxas smiled a little at that and shook his head. “As much as I’d like to, I’m going to be practical about this. I’m going to finish off my business degree. Admin, management, HR, marketing; I’m doing the lot. I bet I’ll be great at marketing,” he smiled, hoping to make himself feel more confident about it all. “I spent a fair bit of my time in Forrester researching stuff and I’m super excited. I’m even excited about doing the boring stuff, like finance and supply-chain management. And once that’s all behind me the real fun stuff can start.”

“Your clothes business?”

“Yep,” Roxas smiled across at Axel, loving and aching over the fact that Axel remembered stuff like that. “There’s a whole degree on fashion and textiles, but a lot of the stuff I’m self-taught in, or it’s not relevant to my needs, so I’ll be cherry-picking the units that I really do need and do them as my electives in between all the business and admin stuff.”

Axel gave a low whistle. “So, you’re really going all the way with this, huh?”

“Yeah, I’ve actually got the next five years all planned out, and I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. I’ve started attending classes and lectures and it’s all so amazing. Meeting people and learning about stuff… I really feel like I’ve been stuck in a time vortex or something. My life was always the same, my thinking the same, and how I reacted to stuff the same. I’m feeling pretty good right now.” Roxas felt it inside and outside. Personal relationship troubles aside, his life was finally being steered by himself and it was a pretty powerful feeling, though also daunting.

“I’m really happy to hear that you’re so happy.” Axel held a smile that heated Roxas from the inside out. It made his pulse race and the yearning he had been trying to ignore in his heart grew.

“Thanks.” Roxas smiled down at the table. His cheeks burning with a blush.

“You’ll be staying here for five years then?”

“Yeah. That’s… okay, right? I’m not… making things awkward, am I? I know with Cheshire being here and all—”

“Oh, no. No, it’s not awkward,” Axel denied. But if that were truly the case, then Roxas wondered why it felt awkward right now.

“I’ll try and find a place for Chesh and me. The motel scene leaves much to be desired. I swear my neighbors are raving vampires. I hear the music through the walls and never see them during the day. Am I getting bags, Axel? I swear I am.” Roxas pulled the skin under his eyes down and stuck his tongue out.

It made Axel laugh, and in turn Roxas, and damn if that didn’t feel good. Maybe they _could_ be friends after all.

“Nah, you look fine for now. Though maybe you could use a haircut, huh.” Axel let slip a playful smile.

“Rich coming from you. You could lose a snake in your hair. How do you wake up without a mouthful of it?”

“I tie it up in a bun.”

Roxas started laughing.

“Hey! What?”

“Nothing. Bet you look adorable.”

Axel smirked. “I totally do.”

Roxas wanted to see it and felt sad he had never had the chance when they had been together. He wanted to see sleepy Axel with his hair all gathered up in a bun and pulling himself close for soft kisses. His mood plummeted and his heart ached. He had no one but himself to blame for having lost Axel. But they could still be friends. There was nothing wrong with being friends, and Roxas wanted it, desperately. “Hey, do you need me to buy anything else for Cheshire?” He got up and went to grab his cat off Axel.

“No. Got food, and kitty litter. Her scratch posts’ still holding up, though maybe you could invest in a new one soon?”

Roxas went over to inspect it, cuddling Cheshire. “Yeah. I’ve got money now. I can afford to buy you a good one. Van always cheaped out.” He rubbed his cat’s head while he looked over the old equipment.

“You don’t have to answer but, how much money did your parents end up giving you? With all the courses you got planned and living in a motel—you loaded?”

Roxas threw Axel a look. “Sweet of you to be nosy,” he poked his tongue out.

“I live to put my nose in other people’s business,” Axel winked back.

“It’s not a bottomless pit. I’m living on a budget and working in between all the studying. That’s why I’m extra busy and can only come around super early in the mornings to visit Chesh.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. What’s your job?”

“Deliveries and stock-taking at a florist. Sometimes I help clear out the old flowers and dump the water.”

“Deliveries? You drive?”

“I do now.”

Axel whistled again. “You _have_ been busy.”

“I have. I’m putting you to shame.” Roxas grinned in satisfaction and dropped his cat, who was getting rather antsy with being held too long.

“Take that back. I’ve been plenty busy too. Chesh, yo! Pew, pew!” Axel did finger guns at her, and she fell over.

Roxas cracked up laughing and Axel beamed with pride.

Roxas tried to keep the bubbling love inside of himself in check. “Okay. You’re amazing. But have you made any more progress towards starting your nightclub?” Roxas walked over to his cat and patted her, but she continued to pretend to be dead.

“I thought that was _our_ nightclub.” Axel’s rumbling voice sounded right near Roxas’ ear, making him jump a little. He looked at Axel, who kneeled next to him, looking down at Cheshire.

“You still want to open a club with me?” Roxas asked, warily.

“Yeah. Who else will do all the HR and admin work?” Axel sniggered.

Roxas gasped and slapped Axel’s shoulder. “Dude! You can’t make me your admin whore.”

Axel’s mouth opened, something lewd and inappropriately flirtatious was going to come out, but then he clamped shut and the awkwardness returned to both of them. “I just want to put your tuition to good use.”

Roxas gave Axel a sarcastic hum. “How about you put your cat whisperer skills to good use and bring Cheshire back to life. I wanna say goodbye to her.”

“Leaving already?”

“Yeah. I can’t level up my admin whoring abilities if I don’t go study.”

“Fair point.” Axel huffed with light laughter and brought Cheshire back to life with a touch of the hand.

“Yay! She lives!” Roxas cheered as she sprang up and rubbed herself against their bodies.

“Hey, um… before you go I wanna give you something.”

Roxas hummed with surprise and watched Axel stand and walk to his bookshelf, where he picked something off it and come back. For a panic-addled split-second, Roxas thought it would be the penguin. But Axel held out a set of dangling keys.

“What’re these for?”

“My apartment.”

“Your— _why?”_

“So you can come to see Cheshire whenever you have time. It’s not like I’ve got custody of her. She’s yours and you should be able to see her when you want. And since it seems like it’s gonna be a bit hard organizing a time that’s good for both of us, you can just let yourself in.”

Roxas looked at the keys and gingerly took them as he stood up, clutching them to his chest. “Thank you. Thank you, so much!”

“No worries.” Axel smiled softly.

Roxas wanted a hug and a kiss. This was clearly the time to go. “I, ah. I’ll go now.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks for coming over,” Axel said, walking Roxas over to the door.

“No problem.”

“You sure?” Axel asked, a wariness in his voice.

“Ah, yeah?”

Axel gave him a look and they stopped by the front door.

“Something wrong?” Roxas asked.

Axel sighed and scratched at his head. “I’m asking _you_ that question. I feel like you’ve been avoiding me.”

Roxas’ heart skipped a beat and he stared up at Axel. “A-avoiding? No way.”

Axel gave him a pointed look and Roxas shrunk in on himself a little.

“Well… maybe… _a little?”_

“Can I ask why?”

Did he _really_ need to spell it out? Roxas wished he didn’t. “I’m worried about being friends with you. You haven’t exactly been… super welcoming.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” Axel looked away for a moment, took a deep breath and returned his attention onto Roxas. “I guess I’m worried too. I’m not sure what to expect and I still don’t know how I feel about you just yet.”

Roxas sighed, absolutely hating this topic of conversation. “You don’t have to be my friend if you don’t want to be.”

“I want to be,” Axel said without hesitation.

They stared at each other silently. Roxas broke the eye contact first and muttered, “We’ll be okay, right? This friends thing?” He glanced up.

“Yeah. We were before, right? We can do it again.” Axel gave an encouraging smile.

Roxas joined in with the optimism. “Yeah.”

They stood around a little more and then Roxas made to leave. He said goodbye and they engaged in some weird dance where neither of them knew whether to wave, shake hands, or hug goodbye. Roxas made a decision, waved, and let himself out.

* * *

 

Days passed and Roxas, at first hesitant to do so, started dropping by Axel’s apartment occasionally. It was always at ridiculously early hours in the morning, as he headed to Aerith’s flower shop. It was far from an everyday thing, but when he did come over, he brought along a little something that Axel could have for breakfast when he woke up. Roxas wasn’t sure if that was something friends would do for each other, but he wanted to do it for Axel.

He found it a little weird to be in Axel’s place without the man being awake. Sometimes, Roxas contemplated sneaking a peek at Axel’s sleep bun, but decided against it every time, deeming it intrusive.

University life was spent focusing on coursework but the social aspect of it was almost inevitable. Roxas ran into someone who was vaguely familiar to him. Upon introduction, he definitely remembered Shiki, one of Axel’s friends he had hung around with a handful of times. Roxas had completely forgotten that she was doing the fashion and textile course he was aiming to take electives in once the bulk of his business degree units were out of the way.

She invited him to join her at The Kingdom for lunch and Roxas happily accepted. He was reintroduced to the group of people he had met in relative brief passing several months ago, but now he felt less an outsider since he had other connections with them than just Axel. He knew Kairi. He had, in fact, been in talks with her regarding her flatmate situation, and now was becoming rather fast friends with Shiki too, as they enthused about fabrics and griped about various fashion faux pas, and stitching techniques.

When Axel walked in, he had looked rather surprised to see Roxas but gave him a big smile and rubbed his head as he went past, taking his seat. It made Roxas so happy but also caused an ache. It was a little weird hanging out with Axel because of everything that had transpired between them, but it also felt incredibly nice, especially when he stole glances at Axel to see green eyes already looking back at him.

Roxas liked that a lot. So, if a group invite came to hang out, he made sure to do his best to be there, especially if it was on days Axel had free. Seeing him, hearing him laugh, getting a whiff of his scent and the occasional brush of fingers if they ever passed anything to one another, like drinks or snacks, was all glorious agony that Roxas didn’t want to ever lose. It probably wasn’t what _friends_ were supposed to feel but he couldn’t shut it off. All he could do was hope that time would make it less painful, or that all these small things would make Axel decide to come be with him.

* * *

 

Things were pretty good for a while, yet inevitably it all came to an end when Axel proposed – via a group text message – that they all have lunch at a bookshop café, which wasn’t too much further from the university than The Kingdom. Roxas happily tagged along because the alternative was sitting around the library, or cafeteria, or the uni bar for two hours until his lecture started. Seeing as he had just gotten on top of all his assessments, he was happy to chill out with his acquaintances, who were fast turning into friends.

He arrived at the bookshop with Shiki for company. It was pretty nice. The interior was fresh and bright with plenty of natural light filtering in through the large glass wall windows at the front. The ceiling was high as this was a two-story building, but only the back portion of the shop had a second floor, which was almost like a loft with guard rails acting as a barrier, and stairs at either side of the building connecting the two floors. He assumed the café was up there and he and Shiki headed for one set of stairs. As he passed through the bookshop, he quickly scanned the aisles for anything that might be of use or interest. He thought he caught sight of a music section which he made a mental note to peruse through later and headed up the stairs to the coffee section whilst Shiki talked about raglan sleeves and how to incorporate them into a visual design and accent.

“I’m not disagreeing with you, but I think you could do better than a raglan on that dress you’re working on. A slit or a bell would be pretty cool too,” Roxas supplied as an alternative.

Shiki laughed. She laughed a lot. “Oh, Rox, your ideas are too outlandish for the mainstream.”

“Reason why I’m not aiming for the mainstream,” he retorted with smiling confidence.

They arrived at the top of the landing to see a café set up. There was a counter with cakes and sandwiches on display. A coffee station was behind it and the smell of it perfumed the air. Tables and chairs were set up all in a white and blue color scheme, giving the place a chic appearance. Roxas and Shiki spotted their friends gathered around a bunch of tables that had been pushed together. Roxas immediately noticed the stranger sitting next to Axel.

“What? Did Axel beat us to the coffee? What gives? And who’s the new guy? Hi, new guy!” Shiki said as they approached and then sat on a chair next to Flik. She stared Axel down after she waved at the silver-haired man.

Roxas took a seat at the end of the table, relieved that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know the new addition to the group.

“If you had been here on time you would have heard the introduction,” Axel drawled.

“Axel’s only here on time because Riku lives close by,” Kairi dismissed, studying the drinks menu.

Roxas felt a wave of something uncomfortable begin to lap at his soul.

“So…” Shiki waited.

“Riku, this is Shiki and—that’s Roxas.”

Roxas knew at that moment, by the minute pause in Axel’s introduction, by the way his voice gave out ever so slightly. The guy was—

“Riku’s my boyfriend.”

And there it was. Roxas’ gut twisted. Any appetite he had worked up evaporated. He sunk down into his chair and wrapped his arms around himself. Being at the library was preferable to this.

“Boyfriend? But I thought—” Shiki looked at Roxas before turning her attention back on Axel.

Roxas’ embarrassment grew even deeper. He wanted the ground to swallow him up.

“We’ve been seeing each other off and on for half a year now.”

Shiki looked even more confused. “Hang on a minute.” Elbows landed on the table, fingers pointed. “Didn’t you used to have the hots for—”

“Shik, how ‘bout we go order something. My treat,” Roxas interjected, pushing the chair he sat on back with a loud screech. He walked toward her, pulled her up and rushed them over to the counter. He could feel the eyes of the group boring into him. He could feel the strange aqua gaze most of all.

“What gives? Axel liked you, and now he’s with some guy he apparently has been seeing for like half a year? Why’s this the first I’ve ever heard of this Riku guy?” she let fly in a torrent of words casting glances behind herself.

Roxas shrugged. “Axel and I dated for a little bit. We broke up.”

“Oh yikes! Isn’t this a bit awkward then?”

Roxas scoffed. “It is, so can you _please_ not talk about it in front of everyone and draw attention to it?”

“Babe, I’m Queen of drawing attention to things. That’s why my calling is fashion. Let me draw the eye to voluptuous figures.”

“My relationship drama isn’t something to draw attention to. Now order something, Miss Queen.” He shoved Shiki gently, so she would turn her attention back to the front.

She rolled her eyes at him, grinned and ordered a frappuccino.

“You’re not going to order anything?”

“I’ve lost my appetite. I think I’m gonna go find the restroom in here.” He gave Shiki the metal stand with their order number attached to it and hurried down the stairs, needing to get away. He didn’t want to completely run from it though, so he stayed in the bookshop, perusing the aisles, particularly the music section.

 _Riku_. The name made him grind his teeth. Of course, he had expected to meet _the boyfriend_ one of these days, but he wished it hadn’t been today. Or ever. Or at _least_ he wished he could have had some forewarning about it. He angrily picked up book after book, flicking through and returning it to the shelf.

 _Riku_ with shiny silver hair and well-toned arms, and nice eyes, touching _his_ …. Roxas found a book which stopped his maddening thoughts. It was a thick hardcover on the history of glam rock. Roxas flipped through the pages in awe of the costumes and the narrative direction flowing through it.

 _“That one’s one of the best books you can get on the subject,”_ a strange voice came out of nowhere.

Roxas looked toward the voice but the smile on his face died when he saw silver hair. “It’s really detailed,” was all he wanted to acknowledge about the book, not wishing to be drawn into a conversation with this guy.

“I’m Riku,” the man extended his hand.

Roxas barely contained the scoff and his sardonic, _‘I know’._ He looked at the offered hand for a while before slowly shifting the book from one hand to the other and resentfully taking up the offer of the greeting. “Roxas,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry we ended up meeting like this. I would have preferred a more private and smaller gathering. Axel thought you wouldn’t be coming today—something about a project due?”

“I finished it,” came his curt response. Roxas didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to talk to or see Riku.

“Ah. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Roxas.”

Roxas normally liked to be liked by most, if not all people he met. But _Riku?_ He didn’t give a shit for. He just stared back silently.

“Axel’s told me lots about you.”

“Has he also told you about Princess Peach? About Yoshi? _Birdo?_ Do you even know what his fave sub filling is or how he likes his coffee?” Roxas snapped with raging upset. Why did _Riku_ get to be with him? What was so special about him? Was it his _hair?_ His _eyes?_ Was it that he wasn’t a completely damaged emotional wreck? Roxas’ arms shook and his eyes went a bit blurry.

Riku stepped back a bit. “What?”

Roxas huffed and shook his head, trying to cool it though his body still felt five whole degrees too hot. “Sorry. I don’t want to do this with you. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to get to know you. I don’t want to hear all the little things that Axel might have told you about me as some kind of fucked up way of endearing yourself to me.”

Riku’s cool demeanor vanished. “I’m going to have to ask you to not swear and please don’t take that tone of voice with me. You’re in my bookshop. I’m trying to get along with you. Don’t make me kick you out.”

Roxas huffed. The guy owned the shop? Or maybe he just meant he worked there? It didn’t really matter. “Kick me out, I don’t care. I’m not coming back here if you’re here.” Roxas put the book back, a little roughly. All thoughts of buying it then and there vanished. He would find another shop to buy it from.

Roxas made to leave but Riku’s next words stopped him, “Axel wants us to get along. That’s why he’s organized for your groups’ lunch meets to be held here. He wants me to meet all of his friends, and you’re important to him. And… Axel is becoming important to me, so I want to try and make this work between us.”

The anger inside of Roxas flared up again. Why would he ever do anything to validate Axel’s relationship with someone other than himself? “Why would I ever help you?”

“It’s not about helping me. It’s about making Axel happy.”

That struck a painful chord with Roxas. He wanted Axel to be happy. He loved Axel… but… being friends with his new _boyfriend_?

“We don’t have to be best friends. We just have to tolerate each other. Make it a nice experience for everyone else,” Riku said.

“I just won’t come. Problem solved. I’m leaving. Please tell the group I’m sorry. I just remembered I need to see a lecturer for some input on an assignment.”

“Roxas,” Riku called after him quietly but Roxas didn’t waver. He made to leave the shop and to head back to university. At least he had given Riku an excuse he could use. Roxas hadn’t been a complete asshole and he felt okay about that.

The sound of his hasty footsteps was absorbed by the trim carpet as he rushed for freedom. He nearly made it to the front doors but a hand fell on his shoulder. He spun around, knocking the hand off himself, ready to yell, but when he saw that the hand was attached to Axel he softened and stilled.

“You’re leaving already?”

“Yeah, I remembered I’ve gotta do something.”

Axel frowned. “I’m sorry about Riku. I was meaning to introduce you two without an audience. You’ve been busier than usual lately and I thought—”

“It’s not that.” Roxas couldn’t look at Axel when he said that.

“Really?”

A sigh seeped out of him. Exhaustion gripped him over feeling like he needed to keep everyone he cared about happy. “Maybe I am leaving because—it’s too sudden right now. I’m still adjusting to you being with someone else. I’ll be around but… I just want an out for today, please?”

Brow furrowed and Axel nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ll see you around.” Roxas squeezed out a smile and went on his way.

* * *

 

A week passed. Roxas avoided people as best he could, getting stuck once more into his course work. He gave excuses to Shiki why he couldn’t come with her when she asked him out to the book shop, even when he knew Axel wouldn’t be there. He didn’t want to be friends with Riku. Didn’t want to give him a chance. Yet he also didn’t want to _not_ be friends with Axel, so hanging out – even when Riku was around – was something he needed to do. But he would do so sparingly.

He _did_ go to the bookshop the following Tuesday. He _was_ civil and stayed the full duration of the lunch. Roxas _tried_ to be happy for Axel. He honestly tried. When the hand-holding, caressing of cheeks, and pecks on lips got too much he thought of all the shit he had ever put Axel through. Roxas knew Axel deserved better. He deserved someone emotionally stable, down-to-earth, and kind. Riku seemed to tick those boxes. Yet Roxas also found him woefully boring, pretentious, a lousy dresser, and way too serious. Roxas didn’t understand what Axel saw in the guy. But that was his angry frustration talking. Riku was fine.

 _Everything_ was _fine_.

Roxas definitely wasn’t looking for things to make himself miserable over. No, definitely not. He definitely didn’t enjoy the deep sick and endlessly sad feeling camping out in his chest.

He distracted himself from his feelings with work, and volunteer work, and his studies. He talked about the heavy ache with his therapist, Simon, a nice man in his thirties, and he felt lighter for it. But none of these things changed the situation in the slightest.

The only reprieve he could get did sweep through his life though in September.

Roxas found himself walking across the courtyard of the university grounds, going from the library to the cafeteria, when hurried footsteps came up right behind him.

_“Ventus? Ventus!”_

A hand grabbed Roxas’ shoulder, startling him. He turned around and craned his head up to see a brunet man with a rather handsome face, dressed in a simple shirt and denim pants, looking down at him with wide blue eyes.

“Ventus, what are you doing here?” The surprise on the man’s face melted away and a big smile that reached the very corners of his eyes lit his face.

Roxas took a step back—the guy stood way too close. “Uh… I’m not _Wenis_. I’m Roxas. I think you have me confused with someone else.”

The man gave a brief laugh, but Roxas maintained his stem and confused expression, which made the laughter fall away.

“Really?” the man asked, skeptical.

Roxas nodded. “I don’t know a…”

“Ventus,” the man supplied.

“Ventus. Sorry.”

The man’s brows furrowed with doubt and confusion and then a hesitant, “Oh, no, I’m the one who has to apologize,” was uttered.

Rushing heels on pavers sounded and a woman, with striking blue hair, cropped short, in a blue blouse and mid-length skirt, stopped next to the tall man. “Ven! It _is_ you!” The look of excitement shined bright on petite features.

“It’s not, Aqua.”

“Huh? What?” She looked at the brunet and then back at Roxas.

“I’m Roxas,” he supplied.

“Oh, what? You look just like him.” The disappointment was palpable in her voice.

“Sorry, I’ll be going now,” Roxas said and turned away, heading to the cafeteria to see what was edible there.

He entered the building, walked up a flight of stairs and then found a collection of pastries – both savory and sweet – behind the display case at the cafeteria. He grabbed a tray and filled it up with a bit of everything, went to pay and then sat down by a window, overlooking the grassy lawn that rolled down the hill.

While he ate his thoughts went to the strange encounter. He had never been mistaken for someone else before. He thought it fair enough to be mistaken for someone else from afar, but the confusion had lasted even when he had been looking up at that man. Roxas huffed out a small laugh. The guy had been really handsome. That smile had been a winner, for sure.

_“Excuse me, mind if I sit with you?”_

Roxas looked up. Eyebrows raised with surprise. It was the same guy. “Yeah, sure.” He pointed toward the seat opposite of himself.

The man took it. “Hello. I’m Terra.”

“Hey. You already know my name,” Roxas said with a smile.

Terra chuckled and they shook hands across the table.

“I really look like someone you know?” Roxas wondered in amazement.

Terra nodded. “Do you mind if my friend, Aqua, sits with us as well?” He pointed over to where the woman from before stood by the cashier, paying for her meal.

Roxas shook his head. “No, it’s fine.”

Terra waved her over.

Space was made and trays shuffled to fit the new addition.

“Hi, I’m Aqua.”

“Roxas.” He picked up a pastry and bit into it. “So, what’s this about someone looking like me?”

“Ventus Brahm. Any relation?” Terra inquired.

“Nope. It’s all Shaws and Durringtons in my family. I’m from Forrester, clear across the country.”

Both the strangers hummed and nodded.

“The resemblance is really uncanny. Your voice and hair are a bit different. That’s about it.” Aqua remarked.

“Is there a photo I can look at?”

“Not a recent one. There’s one of us about four years ago.” Terra dug out his phone and scrolled around a little until he found something and showed Roxas.

The photo was taken in some sort of a training room. Poles were stacked in the background, wooden floors covered in mats could be seen. Terra and Aqua were there, with a smaller figure in between them. All three were dressed in similar uniforms but wearing different colored patches. The hair of Roxas’ supposed doppelganger was styled into more distinct spikes and a little lighter but otherwise, he could have sworn he was looking at himself.

“Woah—that’s so weird.” He gave the phone back.

“It is. Have you been on campus long? I thought I imagined seeing Ventus a few weeks ago.”

“Yeah. A few weeks. I’ve been here since the end of August. I started a bit late, so I’ve been catching up on things.”

“What are you studying?” Terra asked.

“Business admin and management.”

“See, definitely not Ven. He would never study that.” Aqua said to Terra, who just hummed.

“You guys did some sort of martial arts together?” Roxas took a big bite out of another pastry.

“Kenjutsu. We used to train together in the same Dojo, but Ven moved about three years ago, so we haven’t really seen him much since then,” Aqua explained.

“Don’t you guys keep in touch? Social media stalk each other?”

“Ah, no. I see him twice a year at the Kenjutsu tournaments, held in Portland,” Terra said. “That’s about it.”

“And I haven’t seen him in two years. I just can’t fit the training in with my schedule,” Aqua informed. “Maybe you could speak to him and get a phone number to reach him on? I would like to catch up with him,” she directed at Terra.

Terra hummed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Roxas caught the tiniest annoyed eye-roll from Aqua.

The trio spent the lunch break talking about different things, like what Aqua and Terra studied. Both were in their fourth year of law, specializing in criminal justice, but with Aqua wanting to become a lawyer, and Terra aiming for a career as a detective. They spoke of hobbies – the aforementioned martial arts, archery, and also cosplaying. That last part had Roxas excitedly chatting away with the both of them. He saw photos of the costumes Aqua made, marveled at the amazing armor Terra cobbled together, and gazed in wonder at the wigs the both of them styled. He was even more gobsmacked when he learned they had only been doing this for two years, which they explained was to cope with the increasing pressures of their studies. Roxas could have kept talking for hours but realized he needed to get going to a lecture.

They all said their goodbyes, with Terra looking like he wanted to say more but Roxas had to really dash.

Over the next few days, Roxas ran into Terra quite frequently. Roxas learned that Terra had a soft spot for animals, especially when it came to their rights. It left them deep in conversation outside of the library or a lecture hall, depending on where one of them was heading.

Roxas actually forgot to mope when he was around Terra and Aqua. He could forget his woes and live a normal life, which was very refreshing.

It never stopped the troubling thoughts in the evening though. Roxas tried to while away the hours at the library night after night but there came a point where the library, while still open, was inundated by workers. Their drilling and hammering made concentrating difficult and had Roxas whining about it to his new friends.

“You could come study at my place. It’s a five-minute walk from here,” Terra threw out, stabbing at the pasta on his lunch tray while they sat in the cafeteria during one of their mutual breaks.

“I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You wouldn’t be. I have plenty of space. Aqua comes around to study frequently.”

Aqua nodded. “His place is very quiet, and there’s a really big desk space for all our books and notes. I also do all of my sewing there. My apartment doesn’t have the open living space like Terra’s does.”

And with that Roxas accepted the invitation and followed Terra to his place after both their last classes for the day finished.

It was a lot of medium density apartment blocks around the university campus, mostly housing students. Terra lived in one of these red-brick apartments on the first floor. The interior didn’t look as run down as Roxas expected a place full of students to be. They got to Terra’s place and the solid wooden door opened up to a large rectangular space with a large square timber table in the center, surrounded by a few matching timber chairs. The timber floor covered the whole space, bar for where the white tiles set out the kitchen space to the left of the entryway. There were cupboards, an oven, a microwave, a stove, a sink, and a fridge, all in a gunmetal gray. Roxas also saw a two-seater dark gray sofa in the back, pushed against the wall at an angle, facing inward and toward a small LCD television, also at the same angle.

Roxas’ eyes kept traveling around the room. To his right were two doors, a large free-standing cupboard and… his eyes widened at the sight of the sewing machine on the desk. He beelined for it.

Roxas forgot all about his studies, especially once Aqua arrived not too long after. He listened to her talk about the sewing station and the costumes she had made. Aqua and Terra indulged Roxas in bringing out garment after garment and armor after armor, letting Roxas look over the details which hadn’t been noticeable in the photographs. He admired the fabrics and the great craftsmanship both Aqua and Terra possessed.

None of them studied that afternoon or evening but Roxas was excited to return the following day to _actually_ get some work done.

* * *

 

Roxas hung out a lot with Terra and Aqua even after the library refurbishments were long completed. He also went to the dreadful bookshop to spend time with his friends and tried to ignore the fact that Axel was with someone else. During this time, he also moved in with Kairi. Her place was a lot closer to Aerith’s flower shop and the animal shelter. It was, in fact, closer to everything, so Roxas had _slightly_ more time since he was traveling less and didn’t have to get up quite so early.

He used this time to drop in at Axel’s place, to slowly move the things he had left behind over to his new abode, but also to visit his cat—as Kairi told him no pets were allowed in the building. He also savored the one-on-one time with Axel, when he was awake or home. It felt a million times better than when he had to watch Axel and Riku sitting next to each other. Roxas didn’t feel sick or nervous. He didn’t spend every second wishing he could disappear. When he spent time with Axel in idle talk he had a lovely time. They spoke about Axel’s work and Roxas’ studies. They talked about bands, current news, Cheshire, cooking, and fashion. They never spoke about anything difficult, like the awkwardness whenever Riku was in the picture. 

Things felt so good that Roxas dropped by later and later in the mornings to catch more chances of Axel being awake, and Axel surprised him with breakfast a handful of times.

Things felt easy between them, but every time Roxas left the apartment, reality crashed down on him. Especially when Axel started hugging him goodbye. It tortured him how much he loved Axel’s arms around him, and his scent right in his nose. Axel’s heat ghosted against him until he got outside of the apartment building. But Roxas went back as much as possible, until beginning of October.

It was late Saturday morning and Axel wasn’t awake yet. Roxas didn’t make a habit of coming around on a weekend but today he had gotten off work a little earlier than usual and missed Ax— _his cat—_ a great deal so he decided to swing by. He had a busy few days ahead of himself so he wanted to get in as much quality time as he could manage. He let himself into Axel’s apartment like all the times before. He closed the door behind himself and looked across the room with a smile at the sound of Cheshire’s jingling bell, but also with the sound of a door opening on the other side of the room. “Good morning, A—’ He locked eyes onto a muscular bare chest, dripping silver hair, and wide-with-surprise aqua eyes staring at him. Riku stood in the bathroom doorway, a towel wrapped around his waist.

They looked at each other. Roxas equally surprised, but also deeply embarrassed.

“R-riku… uh… hi,” he stammered dumbly.

A frown melted the dazed look. “What’re you doing here?” Riku snapped.

“I—Uh—I just—The key—My cat—I—” Roxas didn’t know where to look, so he reflexively reached down to pick up his cat who ran figure-eights around his legs.

A sound drew aqua and blue eyes toward Axel’s bedroom door, which opened and a buck-naked Axel appeared. “Roxas?” he said, breathlessly.

“Axel,” Riku said sharply. “Put some clothes on and why’s he here?”

Axel’s attention snapped toward Riku who stormed toward him. “Ah… Roxas comes around sometimes to visit his cat.”

“And he can just let himself _in?”_ Riku stood before Axel, covering him from view and he turned his head with his gaze flickering between the two of them for a moment. He looked at Axel and forced him back through the opening of the bedroom door with a quick, “Excuse us,” before he disappeared and shut the door behind them.

Roxas’ heart beat wildly. He automatically sank to the floor hugging his cat all the tighter. He could hear the hushed and not so hushed voices through the closed bedroom door; the heated tones and indistinct words which all seemed to be directed at or be about himself. But more than that the image of Axel’s nakedness burned into his mind and he wanted to scream with how much the knowledge of what they had been doing hurt.

He let go of his cat, got up, dropped the special snacks he had bought for both Cheshire and Axel on the dining table, as well as Axel’s spare key, kissed Cheshire on her furry little head and got out of there as fast as he could, not caring to have back what little of his clothes and other knick-knacks he hadn’t yet moved to his current place of residence.

He tried to push the intrusive thoughts out of his head as he went about his day, but they wouldn’t leave. He chastised himself for having let his heart become too soft and involved. He could see how he had been pushing the boundaries of _just friends_ with Axel, which was the reason this hurt so much right now. He tried to bury himself in his studies, especially since exams and due dates were coming up _fast,_ but all the busy making in the world didn’t help to derail the pang in his chest.

Two hours passed wherein Roxas worked on a paper where he kept falling into the trap of rereading the same sentence over and over again when his phone buzzed, distracting him.

message header: **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 13:12 Axel  
Hey Rox sorry about earlier   
  
It’s fine.  
  
Axel  
Thanks for the snacks. U forgot (Key )  
  
I didn’t forget them. I left them.  
  
Axel  
?!  
  
**Today** 13:15 Riku  
  
Axel  
Rikus not mad anymore. I forgot to tell him about our arrangement. He’s not mad at u promise. U can keep (Key ). Its all ok  
  
I think I won’t. It’s better this way. I’ll come around in the evenings and get Isabelle to buzz me up and I’ll just leave the stuff at your front door like before.  
  
**Today** 13:16 Axel  
I’ll leave (Key ) with her. Just pick it up from her  
  
No, it’s alright, really.  
  
Axel  
No u pick it up. I’ll see u in the morning  


But Roxas didn't pick up the keys, or see Axel the next morning. He didn’t come around anymore other than to drop off the odd bits and pieces, and even then he never set foot inside Axel's apartment again, for fear of what could await him inside. He simply left things out the front of Axel's door; some cat-related supplies, packaged food for Axel, and once a terrible Hawaiian-style shirt with little penguins on it which he had found at a thrift store, because he thought Axel would love it and – judging by the text messages the man sent him – he _did._ It served as little comfort from the intolerable thoughts, and he was doubly uncomfortable having to tell Isabelle to keep the keys every time she offered them to him. He really wished he didn't have to rely on her to buzz him up.

This went on for a while. Roxas got a distinct feeling that Axel was becoming unhappy with him as the texts they exchanged became less and less. Not all on Axel's side either as Roxas felt like he had nothing to say that wouldn’t make himself or Axel deeply upset. The impression of something disquieting brewing between them deepened one day when Roxas came home to find a box of his things in front of his bedroom door. At a quick glance Roxas recognized some of the stuff he hadn’t been able to collect yet from Axel’s apartment. There was no note or text message to explain the box.

He went to ask Kairi, who simply said that Axel had come over with it saying he thought Roxas might be missing some of the stuff inside. Roxas frantically combed through every small piece inside and much to his relief found no pewter penguin.

He felt much too nervous and sick to ask Axel about the box, so pretended like it never happened. But it only added to the awkwardness he felt between himself and Axel so he made even _more_ excuses as to why he couldn't attend group outings at the book/coffee shop, instead spending his lunchtimes locked away in the library or visiting Terra’s place to study when he knew the other man to be there.

* * *

 

Around mid-October Roxas was invited out for Flik’s birthday party. Roxas decided he needed a break from work and study, plus he hadn’t seen his friends in a while, a point Kairi liked to make every time she saw him, usually in the evenings over a hurried dinner. So, he found himself all dressed up in some of his finest clothes and met up with everyone for a nice dinner. Despite it being Friday and Roxas not expecting to see Axel at all, he still felt sad about it. Relieved, but mostly sad. He cursed his affliction and hated the rift which had wedged its way between them.

Roxas focused on dinner and his friends. He began having a nice time and after their meal they all went to karaoke where a private booth had been booked for them and cake would be consumed later in the evening.

The atmosphere was cheerful. Drinks flowed and a few classics and pop tunes had already been belted out when Roxas’ mood soared to incredible heights with the entrance of Axel. Drop-dead gorgeous didn’t even begin to describe him. Smokey-eye makeup, his hair styled down with a long braid following the curve of his head on the right side, showing off a dangling double helix earpiece Roxas had never seen before. He gawked at the perfection waving at everyone, yelling, “Yo, ‘sup guys. The entertainment has arrived, and the party can officially start!”

Axel moved further into the room to rousing and slightly inebriated cheers from the group. Roxas was so busy eyeing off the red, satin-looking button-down shirt Axel wore underneath the jacket that he had made for him, and the black leather pants with rips on the thighs, and chains dangling from pockets and belts from slim hips, that he only noticed Riku when someone said his name.

Roxas’ mood plummeted and disintegrated with devastating speed.

Space was made at the long bench and the men slid in. Roxas caught the cautious look Kairi gave him. He smiled at her, determined to not be bothered by this because Axel was entitled to do whatever he chose, even if that was a silver-haired sea cucumber.

At first, the night was going well. More group songs were sung – old classics and more pop ballads were belted out. More alcohol flowed, especially into Roxas’ mouth because he wanted to forget and to feel less self-conscious and awkward. Seeds of bravery grew within everyone and people got up more readily to offer up solo renditions of heartfelt and dumb tunes.

Roxas didn’t know how it happened, but he found himself sitting next to Axel at some point, clinking shot glasses with him and gulping down the contents, all the while giggling over ridiculous theories as to why bands had big hair in the ‘70s. Whatever had happened between them over the weeks of absence completely vanished in the wake of each other's physical presence. They got lost in a world all their own, interrupted only occasionally when they caught wind of the fact that whoever sang had now stopped. Usually, those moments were acknowledged by Axel pulling Roxas up and dragging him to the front.

This happened a couple of times. They sang songs and fought air-guitar battles against one another. All their friends cast their votes regarding who was better via whoops and cheers.

Roxas couldn’t remember the last time he had been this happy; Axel’s arm around him, his hand in his hair, soft breaths, and chuckles against his ear. The experience was everything he longed for but eventually, it came to an end when Roxas had to go to the restroom to relieve himself.

He stumbled out of their private room and looked around himself trying to locate the restrooms. When he spotted the sign at the end of the long hall to the right he swaggered over, happily humming and giggling to himself.

After he finished, he stared at himself in the restrooms’ mirror, completely blissed out and happy. He could still feel Axel around himself and savored the memory. He wanted more, so he stumbled back to their karaoke room.

As he approached the room he could hear Axel’s muffled singing, and he sounded like he was singing his absolute heart out, which made Roxas smile broadly. He slipped into the room, closed the door, but didn’t get a single step further in. He stayed there with his back pressed against the padded entrance, his big smile vanishing in an instant, sobering up immensely.

Axel knelt before Riku, cupping the man’s face whilst singing to him—

 **♪** _You’re so gorgeous_  
**♪** _I can’t say anything to your face_  
**♪** _Cause look at your face_  
**♪** _And I’m so furious_ —Axel looked at Roxas.  
**♪** _At you for making me feel this way_  
**♪** _But what can I say?—_ he looked back at Riku.  
**♪** _You’re gorgeous_ **[1]**

Roxas left, not caring whether he slammed the door or not in his haste. He needed to get away and stalked along the carpeted hallway, feeling his happiness break into a million pieces.

_“Hey, are you all right?”_

Roxas turned to see Kairi coming toward him. He wiped at his tears. “Yeah. I just had too much to drink—going back to the restroom.”

“They’re down the other way,” she pointed.

Roxas sniffed. “Yeah, thanks.” He pushed past her.

“Please talk to me,” Kairi tried again, reaching out and catching Roxas’ wrist gently.

In the month that they had lived together she had always encouraged him to talk to her about anything—but he knew she always meant _Axel_. He always reassured her everything was fine and had always kept this stuff to himself. “There’s nothing to talk about. There’s no point. Nothing will fix this. I’m just stuck and I gotta learn to deal with it,” he told Kairi, as well as himself. He pulled out of her hold and wandered back the way he came, past the room where he could still hear Axel’s very muffled voice, and headed to the restroom where he had a big cry and then splashed water on his face to make himself look less splotchy and awful.

He growled at himself with frustration, telling himself that he didn’t care about the song. He didn’t like the song. He cared that Axel had sung it for him once, though. He hated that the life he could have had with Axel – with all of Axel’s dopey, embarrassing, and so, _so_ cute quirks – wasn’t his to share with the man.

He returned to the room eventually, with the hardest smile plastered on his face. He even managed to hold it when he exchanged looks with Axel and Riku. He just needed to hang on until Lucy finished her song and then he could sing his piece and be out of there.

Lucy received a round of applause after she was done. Roxas ached to get in front of the microphone but the birthday cake for Flik came out, the celebration song was sung, and the cake eaten. Everyone chatted happily while Roxas sulked and stared at his cake as he slowly devoured it because the sight of Axel trying to feed cake to Riku sickened him.

Karaoke resumed, and Roxas jumped at the chance to sing a song, having used all the time being sad over his dessert to figure out what he wanted to say the most. He went up to the music menu with one intention, but suddenly changed his mind and queued something else.

The music started. Roxas stepped up to the microphone, shifting uncomfortably and huffing out nervous and upset breaths. Swallowing down the discomfort, he started, finding his voice—

 **♪** _It’s been like a year since I’ve been home_  
**♪** _Flirting with an addiction I can’t shake off_  
**♪** _My mouth is dry, I self-medicate_  
**♪** _This comedown won’t cure itself_  
**♪** _It’s driving you away_  
**♪** _It’s driving you away_  
**♪** _Piece by piece_  
**♪** _Day by day_ —Roxas kept his gaze up above everyone’s heads hoping he could really get through this song without too obviously baring his soul.

 **♪** _Baby, tell me if I’m being strange_  
**♪** _And if I need to rearrange_  
**♪** _My particles_  
**♪** _I will for you_  
**♪** _My particles_  
**♪** _I will for you_ —He gripped the microphone hard, to help steady himself.

 **♪** _And I’m a shadow of a ghost_  
**♪** _It’s feeling as if somebody has taken host_  
**♪** _Babe, I don’t wanna make a scene_ —He bit down against the irony. He could feel the heat of embarrassment burning across his cheeks.  
**♪** _But I get self-destructive_  
**♪** _And it’s driving you away_  
**♪** _It’s driving you away_  
**♪** _Piece by piece_  
**♪** _Day by day_

 **♪** _Baby, tell me if I’m being strange_  
**♪** _And if I need to rearrange_  
**♪** _My particles_  
**♪** _I will for you_ —Roxas finally willed himself to look at Axel and it hurt too much. He shut his eyes.

 **♪** _Oh, doctor please_  
**♪** _This don’t feel right_  
**♪** _Oh, can you give me something_  
**♪** _To get me through the night?_  
**♪** _Oh, if it all falls apart_  
**♪** _And if this thing goes wrong_  
**♪** _Oh put me back together_  
**♪** _However you want_  
**♪** _My mind plays tricks_ —He sighed out a big breath and pried his stinging eyes open, looking above everyone’s heads.

 **♪** _And I don’t sleep no more_  
**♪** _And doctor please_  
**♪** _I can’t switch off—_ Roxas took a deep inhale, hoping it would steady his voice and let him push through the tears that gathered in his eyes.

 **♪** _Baby, tell me if I’m being strange—_ He belted, his vocal cords straining in the hope to distract from the fat tears rolling down his cheeks.  
**♪** _And if I need to rearrange_  
**♪** _My particles_  
**♪** _I will for you_  
**♪** _My particles—_ An embarrassingly loud sob shook itself free.  
**♪** _I will for you_ **[2]**

He could barely muster another look at Axel. He was done, he took his bow to a round of muted applause, wiped at his face, grabbed his few remaining things, wished Flik a happy birthday, and excused himself while he ignored several questions of ‘Are you all right?’ being directed at him. He told Kairi he’d see her at home and then headed off before his lip woefully quivered and the massive sob could work its way free.

* * *

 

Roxas lay curled up in bed, hugging his pillow fiercely and trying to remember the way Axel felt and smelled and sounded when he heard Kairi come home. He pretended to be asleep when she knocked and opened the door. He heard her footsteps and felt the mattress dip as she sat down.

Still keeping his eyes firmly shut he mumbled, “It’s rude to walk in on a sleeping person,” after a while of there just being silence.

_“I just wanted to apologize for being an asshole.”_

Roxas’ eyes flung open. He sat up, his heart beating wildly. “Axel!” he exclaimed at the sight of red hair and green eyes.

Axel sat before him and chuckled low in his throat. “Hey,” he husked.

“What’re you doing here?”

“I told you, I wanted to apologize.” Axel moved toward Roxas, crawling on all fours, getting on top of him. A sultry smile graced Axel’s lips. His nose pressed against Roxas’, and soft lips pushed against his own.

Roxas melted into the mattress, pillowed in warmth while hands roamed all over his body. Roxas kept kissing, running his hands over Axel’s nakedness. He felt himself burning with need.

“I love you,” Roxas mewled over and over as Axel shuffled in between his legs and teasing his entrance with the head of his penis.

Another soft chuckle escaped. Feathery kisses fell on Roxas’ neck, and Axel’s throbbing erection pushed firmly against him. Roxas bucked his hips, desperately needing Axel inside himself. Soft lips returned to his mouth, needy kisses followed and then Axel pulled away, revealing golden eyes staring down at him and dark hair framed a venomous grin.

“He’ll never love you again. And I won’t either.” A shrill laugh pierced Roxas’ ears, and a thick, painful intrusion entered his backside. Roxas screamed.

His eyes sprang open, his heart beat and throbbed in his throat. He stared out into his room as an unfamiliar touch shook his body.

_“Roxas.”_

His eyes searched and saw Kairi, sitting on the edge of his bed, brow knit with worry. Roxas panted from the fright of his nightmare. He felt like he had run a mile at full tilt. Lust still clung to his body, and a trickle of light sweat ran down his back and face.

“Are you okay?” Kairi asked.

“Kairi!” Roxas cried, throwing himself toward her, grabbing her for dear life. He buried his head in her shoulder and sobbed. Gentle pats landed on his back and they stayed like that for a while.

“Will you talk to me about it?” she asked into his ear.

Roxas whimpered and released himself of his pain. “It’s a dumb song… but I thought it was _our_ dumb song. And then he sings it to _Riku?_ I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve been trying hard to be friends—to not let my emotions get the better of me. I thought I might feel better after a while but I’m not. It hasn’t gotten better. I talk to him, I _don’t_ talk to him. Nothing works. I just want him more.”

Kairi rubbed his back. “It sucks,” she sympathized.

“Really sucks,” Roxas sniffled. “It hurts more than Vanitas not being in my life anymore.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable. Vanitas wasn’t the best boyfriend—or person, from what I heard. But… is Axel _really_ that important to you?”

“Axel is my… he’s my— _soulmate,”_ he howled with upset. “Why did he sing to Riku? Why is he _with_ Riku? I try to keep busy, but I feel empty inside. I keep holding on and waiting and waiting and fucking _waiting_ and I know it’s not right. I know it’s all my fault, and I wish I hadn’t been such a dumbass idiot. I wish I didn’t listen to anyone but Axel and myself and now everything is awful, and it hurts and I just—” the rest of Roxas’ speech dissolved into a sniveling mess.

Kairi rocked whilst holding Roxas to herself and waited for the terrible crying to finish before she spoke, “You feel better now?”

Roxas huffed. Shaking sobs still lingered but he nodded ever so slightly. “It doesn’t fix or change anything though,” Roxas got out, in a far steadier voice.

“True. But talking can help you mentally, even if it can’t actually physically change anything. I’m here for you, you know. You shouldn’t keep this stuff bottled up for so long.”

“I’m no good at opening up anymore. I’ve had to keep everything in for so long—it’s hard, y’know.”

“Yeah, I understand. But it won’t get any easier if you don’t try.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” he sighed and pulled away from Kairi so he could look her in the eyes. But he had nothing else to say. He just felt miserable and it must have shown. Kairi reached out and squeezed Roxas’ upper arm, smiling gently at him.

“Are you still seeing your therapist?”

“Not lately. Studying for these upcoming exams is kicking my ass. I’ll go back and see him after.”

Kairi nodded. “In the meantime, you have me.”

Roxas nodded and wiped at his eyes. The two of them sat silently. Roxas watched Kairi smile softly at him, which eventually coaxed a tiny quirk of lips out of himself as well.

“What’s been going on for you? Some days you’re full of energy and then others… you skulk about like the world’s falling apart all around you,” she asked gently.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m keeping busy; I like my work and my studies, and I love helping at the animal shelter, but then when I get home, I just feel like it’s all not enough. I… I lay here and look at my goddamn stupid lamp,” he waved toward his desk, where the touch lamp stood with its little sentinel penguin standing guard right next to it, “wondering what Axel’s up to and trying not to think of how happy he is with Riku. And I just replay all the dumb things I saw them do together in my head and I wish and wish that it was me instead. And I think if there’s anything I can or should do to try and win Axel back. Maybe I need to fight to get him back?”

“Roxas!” Kairi said, in alarm.

“No, not like _that_. I just mean… I need to show him I love him, right? I need to treat him special and let him know I’m thinking of him and that I want him. But,” a sob rattled free, “I don’t want to be _that_ guy either, y’know? I want to be happy for him. I know I’m a terrible human being. I know I’ve hurt everyone who gets close to me. I know I don’t deserve Axel, but… I want to be selfish. I want to be—” the tears started again. He blubbered out, “happy.”

“Oh, Roxas.” Kairi’s arms went around him again. She pushed his head against her neck and held him for a while longer. “You’re not a terrible guy. And wanting your own happiness isn’t selfish… as long as it’s not at the expense of others.”

“I don’t know how to be happy without Axel, and I want him to leave Riku and be with me. I _am_ selfish and… and I never knew how to be happy without Vanitas either. I’m lame and dumb and Van is completely right. I haven’t changed. I’ll never change, and no wonder Axel isn’t with me because I’m hard work. I’ll always be needy and insecure, and Axel doesn’t deserve that. I don’t want to give that to Axel, so I’m happy he’s with Riku,” he sniffled and felt bitter with every single word, “because he shouldn’t ever be with me. I should just leave Axel alone. I should just move back to Atlantica and learn to live with myself in some secluded man-cave where I can die in misery. At least I won’t be hurting anyone else,” he said through streaming tears.

Kairi kept holding him and rubbed her palm against his back in a circular motion. “Do you want to die?” she asked gently.

A bigger sob rattled out of Roxas and he squeaked a, “Yes,” with despair.

Kairi’s arms tightened around Roxas as she hugged him. “It must feel really terrible right now.”

Roxas nodded against her neck. He grit his teeth against the painful emotions inside. It was the worst sensation – that dull ache which grew and grew and _grew_ so big. It was always there deep inside and wore him down with its unbearable consistency. “I feel so pathetic pining after him so much. I broke up with him to set myself straight,” he mumbled. “I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be able to support Axel—emotionally, y’know? He’s— _was?_ He’s just everything to me. He held me together and made me see that things weren’t right and that I needed to change. He’s important to me. It hurts that—” Roxas sobbed again, “I’m being tossed away, like… garbage.” More blubbering tears erupted. “—But I can’t even be mad at him for that. I get it. I know why he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want to deal with all my shit and drama, and I can’t blame him. I don’t want to deal with _my own_ shit and drama, so why would Axel ever want me back?”

Kairi hummed and patted. “Maybe… that’s the wrong thing to focus on right now. You can’t change Axel’s mind, right?”

“I can’t,” he sniffled.

“So maybe you need to look at what you _can_ change. What you _do_ have control over.”

“Which is what?” he squeezed out past the constriction in his throat.

“Yourself. Learn to tolerate yourself. Learn to love yourself. All I’m hearing is how other people make you feel important and happy in your life. It’s nice to have others there as an _addition_ to things, not as your whole purpose and sense of meaning though.”

“Is that what your psychology books are telling you?” Roxas half-laughed and sniffled.

“Yes. But it’s also what _I’m_ telling you, as a friend. As someone who cares about you. You’re a great guy, Roxas. But you need to be able to see those things in yourself too so you can be happy. And when you’re happy then your friends – and Axel – will be happy too.”

Roxas pulled away from Kairi so he could look at her through his blurry vision and stinging eyes. “I’ve been trying. I bury myself in all the things I know I should be enjoying. And I do enjoy them but… something is missing. There’s a hole—right here,” he pointed at his chest.

“Then fill it with self-love. You’re more than the men you date, Roxas. And… if you can’t believe that then… maybe try dating yourself for a while. See if you can’t fill up that hole by just looking after yourself and taking yourself out to do nice things. Talk to yourself like you want Axel to talk to you.” Kairi’s eyes looked watery but she smiled.

Roxas felt bad for having possibly upset Kairi. This was partly why he didn’t want to share his burden and stupid mind with other people. He hated to inconvenience and upset others. But he nodded. “Have you been in touch with my cousin, Naminé? Because this sounds like something she’d say,” he laughed a little. That sensation coming as a relief to him.

“Smart lady,” Kairi winked and then cupped Roxas’ cheek, wiping some tears away. “But really, I want to see you looking after yourself. Axel will always be here. He’ll always be your friend, so you shouldn’t worry about him – or Riku. Worry about yourself. Be there for yourself and back yourself. You’ve come out of a long and terrible relationship. It’s going to take some time to fix yourself, so don’t rush things.”

“Friends… I guess I should be happy that Axel still wants to be my friend,” he said to himself though he didn’t know how to explain away the weird radio silence between them lately. But everything had felt so great between them tonight so… Roxas was confused, plain and simple. 

“Yeah. He cares about you. But you need to care about yourself first, especially if Axel’s being a bit dumb right now.”

“Dumb?” Something fluttered inside of Roxas.

“Yeah, but don’t worry about that. I want you to focus on dating this great guy named Roxas. See what others like about him so much.”

Roxas chuckled and felt better for his talk, even if it had been forced upon him. “Maybe I’ll give it a go.”

“Couldn’t hurt, right?”

“Right.” Roxas smiled at Kairi and gave her a big hug.

* * *

 

Kairi left Roxas’ room after making sure he was all right. She didn’t get angry often but right now she felt _livid_. She fired off rapid text messages—

message header: **Kairi**  
  
  
**Today** 23:27 Call me.  
  
I need to speak with you.  
  
Axel!  
  
(Pouting Face )  
  
You better call me. Right. Now. Or ELSE!  
  
  


She fumed while she undressed and slipped into her nighty. Her phone finally rang while she brushed her hair.

 _“What can I do for you, princess?”_ came the chipper tone through the line.

“You have some _nerve_ taking so long to call and _then_ addressing me like _that_!” She lowered her brush and gripped the handle tightly.

_“C’mon, what have I done?”_

“What do you _think_? Are you _really_ okay with how tonight went?”

Silence breathed through the phone and then in a quiet and tense voice, Axel asked, _“Is he okay?”_

“Thank you for _finally_ using your brain. And no, he’s not. You really upset him with your dumb antics.” She could perfectly picture the frown on Axel’s face which the silence from him heralded. She put her brush down gently on the dresser, her fingers aching a little from the strength of her grip.

Axel still remained silent. Kairi felt her heart thump fiercely. She really hadn’t gotten this worked up about anything in a long time. She got up and walked over to her radio to play some music and hopefully drown out the conversation she was about to have. 

Trying to keep her voice low, she said, “What were you _thinking?_ Why’re you being such a complete douche canoe to him? He’s fragile, Axel. The court, the ex, and now _you?_ Fair enough if you don’t want to date him but be civil.”

_“I am being civil.”_

“Then why sing that song to Riku? Roxas said it had special meaning between you and him. Is that _really_ fair? Are you _trying_ to torture him? For _what?”_

_“Cut me some slack. He’s the one who wanted space. He was the one who wanted to be friends. And then he changes his mind and says he wants me back? I’m tired of having my feelings played with, and tired of ‘always’ putting his feelings and needs before my own. I need to live my own life too, you know.”_

“Of course you do, and I get you’re hurt, but you’re being a _massive_ piece of _shit_ right now, you know that? You always told me he meant the _world_ to you, but you’re coming across as a liar because if you truly _ever_ loved him you wouldn’t be _doing_ this to him right now. How can you pull a complete one-eighty?”

 _“Don’t you ‘dare’ question my feelings for him,”_ Axel snapped. _“We were on really good terms. He came over, we hung out. I thought we could work through stuff but then the stuff with the key happened. Riku got really upset with me ‘because’ I stood up for my friendship with Roxas. Now I’m in a bind trying to fix shit with Riku and ‘on top of that’ I’m trying to fix stuff with Roxas too. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, Kai-Kai,”_ Axel whined. _“I wouldn’t put myself in this sort of a situation if I didn’t care for him.”_

Kairi didn’t let the term of endearment sway her one bit. “If _this_ is you _caring_ you should stop.”

 _“Fuck you!”_ Axel snarled.

“No, _fuck you!_ Fix your mistakes without hurting people, Axel. You’re not a child anymore. You can do this the responsible, grown-up way. I know you feel like you need to step away from Roxas a bit and let him figure out his own stuff to help you get over your rescuing complex, but that doesn’t mean you should be going out of your way to _hurt him_ to prove some sort of a point to yourself _or_ him. You won’t toughen him up. You’ll break him. Don’t play the wounded animal. Don’t hurt Roxas by rubbing shit in his face. He’s down enough about himself without you adding fuel to the fire.”

A heavy sigh seeped through the phone line, quelling some of Kairi’s agitation.

_“I’ll call him and apologize once I get off the phone with you.”_

Kairi also sighed heavily. “I think… you should give him some space. At least for tonight. He seems okay now. I don’t want you upsetting him more. Just let him sleep it off.”

There was some silence and then a quiet, _“Okay,”_ followed.

Kairi felt calmer. “Are you okay? How’s stuff with Riku going? He seems a bit… protective.” She wasn’t sure how best to word it. On the outside, Axel seemed happy with Riku, and vice versa, but when Axel got talking like he had just before it made her worry.

Axel sighed. _“When I was seeing him just for sex, he was a lot more chill, let me tell you. He didn’t care who else I slept with. He listened to me talk about Roxas. But now…”_ Axel sighed. _“Was I spending too much time with him tonight? I wanted a good night out and I know Roxas likes this and I haven’t seen him or hung out with him in ages so maybe I ‘was’ spending too much time with him and ignoring Riku?”_

Kairi cast her mind back. “I don’t think it was an unreasonable amount of time. Riku was talking to me for a while when you and Roxas were singing. He seemed fine.”

Axel groaned. _“See, that’s what I don’t get. It’s not like I was ‘ignoring’ my boyfriend. Karaoke isn’t even Riku’s thing. He just tagged along because I asked. I didn’t think he’d ‘actually’ say yes, but I thought I’d be polite, y’know? He’s not big on doing embarrassing things in public. I told him he might be bored, but he insisted. Jesus. Roxas is okay, right? Do you really think I shouldn’t call him? Maybe I’ll send him a text—turn on the lamp. Maybe he’ll want to talk. Maybe I can—”_

“Axel,” she said sharply but eased up a great deal as she said, “Leave him alone. _Okay?”_

A grumble came through the line. _“Sure. Fine. I really ‘do’ care for him, Kai-Kai.”_

“I know. I’m sorry for calling you a liar.”

_“No, you’re right, I need my actions to align more with my feelings and thoughts. I just… can’t think clearly when I’m around Roxas, ‘especially’ when Riku is around.”_

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

_“It’s all right. There’s nothing to say. I’ll go to sleep.”_

“Okay. Get some rest.”

 _“Thanks. Night.”_ Axel hung up.

Kairi looked at her sparkly pink phone case and sighed. She really wished Axel would just dump Riku already, but at the same time, she hoped Roxas could get some space for himself. She wondered why she always got caught up in Axel’s messes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da! How’d I do? How are we feeling? Worth the wait? I hope so. You can expect more of this stuff in future chapters. 
> 
> For anyone who missed the footnotes for the songs -  
>  **(1)** -[ Gorgeous](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUoe7cf0HYw) by Taylor Swift  
>  **(2)** \- [Particles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCMu4N3_lDQ) by Nothing But Thieves.
> 
> I initially had Roxas singing [Second Chance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWP77mJ_msw) by Faber Drive but changed my mind.
> 
> General mood song for this chapter -  
> [Dream Alone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzEw2FXyChc) by NateWantsToBattle
> 
> Please leave me comments. They give me life.


	29. The Other *Other* Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas turns to his friends for advice as difficult decisions need to be made in regards to him getting through these emotionally tough times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side-ship warning. Explicit sexual content below 😏😏😏

The day after karaoke, Roxas kept busy with work in the early morning and his studies a little later on, but he found his mind wandering. He considered Kairi’s words carefully, got in touch with Simon, his therapist, to book an appointment and then checked with Terra if it was all right to come over in the afternoon because the silent space of his own room was driving him crazy. Kairi studied diligently and when she got intensely into it, she liked minimal distractions, so Roxas tried to respect that. But he needed to do something because he couldn’t concentrate on business theory a second longer.

He closed his book and kicked back in his chair, turning his face up to the ceiling. His clock ticked and he wondered if he could get some needlework done when his phone’s ringtone trumpeted through the air. Roxas flung himself up, grabbing for the phone with relief at a distraction. His smile plummeted down a hole seeing that it was Axel calling. He checked the time, noting that it was very early by Axel standards. The nervousness inside doubled because he worried why Axel would be calling him at this time of day, _especially_ because of how quiet it had been between them over the last few weeks. He answered the call timidly, “Hello. You’re up early.”

_“Ah, hey, Roxas. Yeah. I couldn’t sleep. Uh… I didn’t call at a bad time, did I?”_

“No. I’m just studying.”

_“Cool… ah, can we talk? I feel terrible about last night and wanted to talk to you about it.”_

Axel _felt bad?_ Roxas’ heart sang and some of the tension in his shoulders eased off. “I’m having a little break so, yeah, we can talk.”

_“Cool. Good. Um… well, I’m sorry. I upset you and I’m sorry. How’re you doing?”_

“I’m okay.”

_“Really?”_

Roxas remained silent, thinking about it. “Not really,” he ventured quietly.

Axel sighed. _“Can I do anything to make it up to you?”_

‘Break up with Riku,’ Roxas thought and barely kept it inside. He groaned a little. “No. There’s nothing.”

_“Please, Roxas. Give me a chance.”_

Roxas frowned at his desk. “I miss talking to you and hanging out with you,” he said tentatively.

_“I miss you too. You get really busy. You want to set a time aside to meet up and hang out? Or you could just take the key Isabelle still has and let yourself in. You know my schedule.”_

Surly bitterness welled up inside. “Riku won’t like that.”

_“I don’t care, Roxas. You’re my friend and I want you around. I’ve cleared that stuff up with him and he’ll get over it eventually.”_

“If it’s all cleared up what has the silent treatment been about the last couple of weeks?”

There was a lack of instant response. Axel, almost cautiously, said, _“You haven’t really been getting in touch with me either though, have you.”_

Roxas wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, but… that doesn’t answer the question.”

 _“It’s taken some time to smooth things out with Riku. I also get that you’ve been busy with midterms right now, so…”_ Roxas could almost _hear_ the shrug.

“And things are really fine now?”

_“Yeah. Sure, they could be better but… how about you come over next week. I’ll make a nice dinner and you and Riku can bond over making fun of me and how I cook. And I’m sure there’s loads of other things you two can get along over. Riku’s nice when you get to know him.”_

Roxas felt sick. He wanted nothing to do with Riku. He never wanted to get along with him. “No, I’m sorry. I’ll… have to take a raincheck. I’ve got so much coursework to do. This call is getting too long already.” He stared at his papers and books, wanting to turn the welling irritation inside himself into a laser beam and burn holes through things by just looking at them.

 _“Roxas,”_ Axel sounded exasperated.

“What?”

There was some silence before Axel said, “ _That song you sang yesterday… that was for me, wasn’t it.”_

Axel pulling that out of nowhere stunned Roxas for a second before a deep embarrassment crawled over him. He facepalmed and wished he could turn back time. And yet, as cornered and caught out as he felt he still said, “No.”

 _“Roxas,”_ Axel said it gentle enough that his disbelieving and chastising tone didn’t hurt so much.

Roxas frowned and took a deep, yet quiet breath. “Fine, it was. I wish I could change everything about me. Get you back.” Roxas winced at his own words. “I know I’m too hung up about you,” he added quietly, reinforcing what had been at the core of his conversation with Kairi the night previous.

A sigh came through the line. _“We need to keep working on being friends. I shouldn’t have done what I did yesterday. I wasn’t banking on you coming back into the room so soon but I still shouldn’t have done that.”_

“Why did you?” his voice strained thin.

A disgruntled, heavy grumble left Axel. _“I think I’m being spiteful because I feel like you’re abandoning me. I miss hanging out with you and having you around. I know that was our dumb song. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m really sorry.”_ Axel sounded genuinely pained over it.

Roxas hugged himself tightly with his free arm. A big ball of pain stabbed him inside. “ _You_ feel abandoned? What about _me?”_

More silence followed. Axel took a deep breath and said, _“I’m sorry we both feel this way. You shouldn’t feel like you need to change everything about yourself for me to like you. You’ve always tried to put me first which landed us in really uncomfortable situations. I don’t like you feeling that way, Roxas. I’ve always liked you ‘because’ of who you are. I fell for you ‘because’ of who you are. And… you trying to change yourself to please an idiot like me is… well, it’s what sort of got us here, isn’t it? I think it’s one of those ongoing issues we’re going to have to work on.”_

Roxas couldn’t stop the scream in his head of, _‘If you like me so much, why aren’t you with me?’_ He held it inside though and instead said, “Yeah,” so quietly he barely heard it himself.

 _“Are you ‘okay’? I don’t want to be like this with you. I want us to get on together. I want us to talk more but I don’t want to hurt you. I’m a fucking asshole and I’m so sorry. I wanna do better by you. What can I do to make things right? —Do you… should I come over?”_ Axel’s voice dripped with worry and insistence.

Roxas wanted a hug so badly. He wanted nothing more in the world than Axel to come over and stroke him and tell him that everything would be all right eventually; that this Riku thing was a fling that would end with the changing of the seasons. He sat up from where he slouched in on himself. “I’m okay, Ax. I’m just… there’s a lot going on for me and I’m still figuring myself out. You’re right… I’m still doing the things I used to do in the past and I fucking suck and I’m such a terrible idiot—”

_“You’re not, Rox. You’re really sweet and you mean well. I want to see you happy and fulfilled. Please don’t get upset about me. Again, I’m sorry. I haven’t been thinking of how hard this must be on you. I’m sorry.”_

Roxas felt terrible for making Axel apologize like this. “I’m… yeah, I’m taking things a little hard right now. But… I think it’s just because a lot of other things in my life feel overwhelming. Uni is kicking my ass. Seeing you… seeing you with Riku is always hard but it was harder than usual yesterday for whatever reason. I definitely want to keep working on being friends with you though and working on myself as well. But… maybe I need to…” Roxas wanted to throw up with what he was about to say. Axel would hate him; would scream and hang up on him but… he needed _this_ , “not see you as much or something. Not around Riku anyway. I think I’m… one of those crazy-jealous types of people.” Roxas braced himself.

Axel hummed and silence reigned between them for a moment before he said, _“I get it. I’m pushing too hard. I want to be around you but… I need to take a step back as well. I can’t force you and Riku to get along, especially when you and I, ‘by ourselves’, aren’t even okay.”_

Roxas fought against the sting behind his eyes. “Thanks, Ax,” he said weakly. “Thanks for accepting that.”

 _“I’m sorry I ruined your night out yesterday. Maybe I shouldn’t have come. Probably shouldn’t have invited Riku at the very least,”_ Axel said with weighty sorrow in his voice.

Roxas couldn’t have agreed more, but Axel’s tone of voice seemed to knock into him and dislodged something very uncomfortable and burdensome sitting in his chest, which opened him up to the danger of confessing how much Axel had been the highlight of his evening… until the end bit. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. “Look, I need to get back to my studies or how else will I ever get our business underway?”

Axel chuckled softly, sounding a little relieved. _“Yeah… okay. Sorry to keep you. But we’re good?”_

Roxas thought about it for a split second. Axel had called to apologize. He recognized what a dickhead he was being and that was good enough for him. “Yeah. I’ll see you when I’m not stressed out of my mind. We’ll hang out together. Promise.”

_“Okay. I’ll make sure it’s without Riku there. Thanks for being so understanding.”_

Roxas hummed.

_“Oh, hey, before I let you go, is it okay if I keep talking to you? Can we text? I was a ‘bit’ upset with you refusing to come over because of the Riku thing and not taking the keys. I ‘might’ have been distancing myself a bit. But I wanna make up for that. I’ve got some photos of Cheshire that I think you might get a kick out of.”_

Roxas felt the morose heaviness lift off a bit. “Yeah, I’d like that; the texting and photos.”

_“Awesome. Thanks, babe. I’ll let you go now. Bye.”_

“Bye.” Roxas put his phone back on the table and pressed his forehead against his desk. He winced with a smile and his insides ached. _Babe_. Why couldn’t Axel just take him back? He felt pretty shit.

* * *

 

Roxas made himself comfortable at the table when he got to Terra’s apartment and was treated to sweets, green tea, and light conversation while they both sifted through their textbooks, typed up notes, and revised their papers and projects. It was very pleasant and kept Roxas’ mind from worrying needlessly… for about an hour and a half. After this he found himself staring into space.

Terra noticed because Terra seemed to _always_ notice. He was attentive and lovely, and it was part of the reason Roxas liked coming over so much; he didn’t feel alone.

“Everything all right?” Terra asked.

“My brain has hit the ‘can’t take any more’ wall.”

“Break time, I guess. I’m glazing over reading this legislation as well.” Terra pushed his chair back and stretched out his arms and back.

Roxas took in the sight of the shirt’s fabric stretching across Terra’s broad chest. He looked away again, cursing himself lightly. Terra proved to be magnificent eye-candy. His face was really nice, his smile a real winner and his body… Roxas felt like a pervert at times with how much he enjoyed seeing the other man in tight clothes, especially the skin-tight bodysuits Terra wore under most of his armor-heavy cosplays.

“Hey, do you want to see the latest project Aqua and I have been working on?”

Roxas looked back, a smile growing on his face. “Yeah, definitely.”

Terra got up and went to his bedroom. Roxas grabbed a mochi cake which sat on a plate in the center of the table and ate the glutinous ball whilst skimming over his papers.

He really liked hanging out here. He really liked Terra’s company. It felt like a safe haven for himself to hide in. There were no dramas or upsets here. Roxas found himself _mostly_ keeping his mind off Axel, but of course, reflecting on that fact made him think about the man and made him replay the conversation from that morning. Axel had sounded sincerely sorry. He still wanted Roxas around… and hopefully not _just_ to torture. He wanted to keep in touch. Roxas clutched his heart, but it did nothing to dampen the ache he felt there.

As if on cue, Roxas’ phone buzzed. He reached for it and checked the message to see that it was from Axel. Roxas stared at the photograph which depicted Axel holding Cheshire, who looked adorably disgruntled over being made to hold a sign between her paws (with some assistance from Axel) that read: _Thinking of you_. Roxas nearly sobbed and ran his thumb over the cracks of his screen. He buried his head in his free hand and glanced at the photo through the gaps between his fingers for a while.

A knock came and Roxas pulled himself together, putting his phone back down. He looked in the direction of Terra’s bedroom, where the man stood, his finger still poised against the wooden doorframe. “Is everything all right?”

Exhaustion and sadness extinguished at the sight of Terra. Roxas sat up straight, staring with his mouth hanging open. “Is that Gourry Gabriev?” Roxas asked excitedly at the sight of Terra dressed in blue pauldrons, belt, chest plate, and holding the makings of a sword. He wore a snug fitting white t-shirt and white stretch-jeans under it all and it really didn’t go unnoticed by Roxas.

The worry on Terra’s face vanished and he smiled at Roxas in a really pleasing way which made Roxas’ cheeks heat slightly. “Yeah,” Terra said. “You know the anime? I didn’t think you would. It’s pretty old.”

“My dad has a collection of really obscure anime.” Roxas hopped off the chair and walked toward Terra to inspect the outfit closely. “He used to put on VHS tapes to make me shut up and give him twenty minutes of peace.” Roxas circled Terra, who had stepped out of the bedroom now. Roxas eyed the detail of the armor and ran his fingers across it… and Terra’s firm body in spots. The half-complete armor still needed more paint, some sanding, and refining, but it was very recognizable to him.

Terra laughed, which warmed Roxas. He really liked Terra’s laugh. It was so jovial and… earthy was the only word Roxas ever found for it. He came to a standstill before Terra, looking up at him. “Do you like the anime? Did you watch it growing up?” Roxas knew vague information about Terra’s upbringing. He was half-Japanese and had grown up there before moving away in his very early teens.

“I never watched it, but the character looks cool.” Terra eyed the bits of armor he had on.

“He definitely is.” Roxas grinned up at Terra, not failing to think that Terra was incredibly cool too. He loved how passionate he and Aqua were about cosplaying and admired them for finding time to get things done whilst they studied and worked. Roxas could only dream about getting sewing done right now.

“What were you looking so sad for?” Terra asked softly.

Roxas’ smile dropped like he wished the subject would drop. “I just… got a photo which makes me sad.”

“Oh. What’s it of?”

Roxas turned away and walked toward the sofa. “Cheshire and…” he didn’t know what to call Axel. The worst word suddenly sprang to mind, “my ex.”

“Cheshire’s your cat, right?”

“Yeah.” He looked behind himself. “Did I ever show you a photo of her?”

Terra shook his head.

“Do you want to see? Do you want to see the photo I’m upset over?” Maybe if he shared his pain it wouldn’t hurt so much.

“If you want to show it to me.” Terra gave a sharp nod.

Roxas nodded and walked back to the table, grabbing his phone and then headed over to the sofa again. He was tired of keeping this ache to himself. He hoped Terra would be a sympathetic ear.

“Why does your ex have your cat?” Terra asked, following Roxas.

Roxas flopped down on the sofa and fiddled with his phone. “Because I can’t have her staying with me.”

Terra sat down next to Roxas carefully so the pauldron wouldn’t hit him. The sofa was small. Their thighs and arms rubbed together. Roxas liked this sofa for stupid reasons. He held his phone out to Terra and showed him the photograph.

A surprised sound left Terra. “ _That’s_ your ex?”

“Yeah. His name’s Axel. Do you know him?” Sudden panic ensnared Roxas with cold coils around his throat and chest.

“No… it’s just…” Terra stared at the photograph and slowly his eyes raised to look at Roxas. It was a careful, examining stare and made Roxas uncomfortable. “He’s a man,” Terra said with a slight furrow of his brow.

“Yes.” Roxas scowled back. “Is that a problem?”

“Huh? N-no. I just…” Terra fondled the hilt of his sword, giving Roxas a nervous and darting look before his stare dropped away completely. “I just never thought you liked men.”

Roxas hummed and looked back down at his phone, breathing a little easier. “Well, I do. Wish I didn’t. Would have saved me years of trouble,” he said with a derisive chuckle and bitterness dripping from his tongue.

There came a slight shift. Terra’s warmth pressed a little closer against him. “Is everything all right?” Terra’s concern soothed something inside of Roxas.

“Everything is fine now, yeah. But my ex… not Axel, my _other_ ex was a… really abusive piece of shit.” Roxas glowered at the floor. It felt good acknowledging that. It was a relief that he didn’t recoil from that statement or try to downplay Vanitas’ actions. He made a mental note to tell Simon about that at their next session. “We were together for seven years. Two months ago would have been eight.”

“What happened?”

“It’s such a long story and I don’t want to get into all the details but… basically, I was with Vanitas for many years and only recently realized that what he was doing to me wasn’t right. I met Axel when I moved here at the beginning of March and he helped me to… escape.” Roxas glanced over at Terra. “I needed to escape from my manipulative, abusive ex. It’s not been easy. I had court in August – and that went all fine. But Axel…” Roxas looked longingly at the smile on Axel’s face. “I went back home in July—to Atlantica—y’know. We were dating at that time. Long-distance. But… stuff happened, and we broke up and now he’s got another boyfriend and seeing them together kills me, so I’ve been avoiding him. We saw each other last night though and…” the ache in Roxas’ chest grew too big. He sighed. “I got upset because he sang a stupid song to his boyfriend, but that was _our song_ and he shouldn’t have done that. He called this morning apologizing.”

 _“Court…_ wow. Things must have gotten pretty bad for you to have taken it that far.”

“It did,” he said glumly and nodded weakly. “It’s been a long, stressful road.”

Terra hummed. “But your – this _Axel_ – it’s good that you’ve had someone to help you through it. I’m sorry to hear things aren’t working out right now though. It’s good though that he apologized.”

“Yeah.” Roxas shot Terra a glance to see encouraging gentleness on the other man’s face. He quickly dropped his gaze. “It was nice. And now he sent me this photo and it makes me miss him and wish for what we had, but I blew it. We’re both trying to be friends but it’s really hard when I still have really strong feelings for him. I’m hoping distance will make it go away or better or something.” Roxas turned the screen off and let the device dangle between his fingers. He thumbed the broken screen, a reminder of the pain of that day – a reminder of how he had messed up. He hated himself for not having taken Axel back when he had asked for them to try again. He got the feeling that this was for the best, but the best fucking sucked.

“Do you want anything, Roxas?”

“I want my life back. I want Axel back. I want to not care or be so hung up about him. Do you have anything to drink?” he tacked on at the end.

“Like pop or juice?”

“Like alcohol.”

Terra went about fixing them up a bottle of warm sake, served up some cakes, and took off the armor while still wearing his form-fitting clothes instead of getting changed back to his more casual and loose-fitting attire. Roxas’ eyes trailed after the man as he went about his business, and then Terra came back, and they sat on the sofa, legs and arms touching. Roxas wanted to lay his head in Terra’s lap and by the fourth cup of sake he did.

Terra spoke to him about how distance and time would make the hurt go away. Hearing that soothed Roxas but simultaneously also felt like a hopeless dream and an ancient fairy tale which would never come to pass.

They talked about many other things too; anime, conventions, what drove Terra to get into law. But when Terra asked what got Roxas into business he fell silent and distracted himself by running his fingers over the fabric covering Terra’s thigh.

At some point Terra began running his fingers through Roxas’ hair, making him extremely warm with something more than just the alcohol-fueled tingles inside himself.

“How long have you known?”

“Known what?” Roxas tilted his head to look up into Terra’s face.

Their eyes met and it took a moment for Terra to answer, “That you’re gay.”

“I’ve known since I was twelve.”

“That’s a long time. Was it hard coming out?”

“Not really. Mom said she always knew, and dad’s always been supportive of me.”

Terra hummed.

“Hey, why’re you asking me about this? You never met a gay man before?” Roxas rolled over onto his back, looking up at Terra directly.

Terra’s eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched, but he kept running his fingers through Roxas’ hair softly. “I guess I’ve been… a bit… _homophobic?_ in the past.” Terra struggled to make eye contact with Roxas.

“You?” Roxas was genuinely surprised. He knew Terra to be nothing but lovely, kind, and caring.

“Yes. I’m… not proud of it and I’m trying to change that.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry.” Roxas made to get up, suddenly aware of his position.

Terra’s hand pressed down on Roxas’ chest. “No, you’re fine where you are.”

Roxas relaxed against Terra. “You sure?”

“Yes. I, um,” he cleared his throat, “like you…” Terra looked away, “there.”

An embarrassment prickled Roxas’ skin and a familiar flutter stirred. Had that pause been intentional? Had he meant to say it like _that?_ Because no matter how Roxas spun it in his head… it was a loaded statement. He looked up at Terra, felt the man’s hand on his chest and wondered if Terra could feel his thumping heartbeat.

“You like me? Like _that?”_ he said quietly.

Terra lowered his eyes and looked down, his gaze skimming over Roxas’ face and upper body, heating Roxas up even more. Terra’s expression never changed, it sat stern and thoughtful as his eyes meandered.

At last, Terra said, “Maybe.” His eyes darted away again.

A lightness raced through Roxas’ being. He had never seen Terra so shy before. It was adorable and enticing but… “You think you’re bi? Does Aqua know?”

“No, she doesn’t. And I don’t know myself either.”

“Shouldn’t you talk to her about it?”

Terra’s eyes returned to Roxas. “Why?”

“Because she’s your girlfriend!”

_“Girlfriend?”_

“No?” Roxas stared up in amazement, his mind racing over all the things he had ever seen between them to make him think that they were going out.

“No.” A look of incredulity crossed Terra’s face. “What gives you that idea?”

“She’s always around. You two are close. I guess…” he felt foolish, “I just assumed?”

“I’m not with her. We’re just friends.”

“Really?” Roxas stared up, wide-eyed.

“Yes.”

They looked at each other in silence. Terra’s fingers twitched and lightly stroked Roxas’ chest. A small smile formed on Terra’s lips and nervous anxiety throbbed in Roxas’ veins. Stupid thoughts flitted through his skull reminding him of Terra smiling at him when he made stupid jokes, of how pleasant sitting close together always felt, of how thoughtful and nice Terra was – bringing him packed snacks and drinks at university – and how helpful Terra was whenever he noticed Roxas getting stuck on something in his textbooks.

Roxas’ heart swelled with longing. Having Terra around filled him up with something soothing. But… “You said you were homophobic.” Roxas’ voice scratched uncomfortably, bringing him back to reality. “What did you mean by that? How? What did you do?”

“I… didn’t do anything. But I said things. I said things to people who matter to me. Things about how it was… disgusting… unnatural… wrong.” Terra fidgeted, looking uncomfortable in his own skin.

Hearing that twisted Roxas’ guts. He had known enough people in his life who thought those things. He had heard it enough times. Too many times. “You don’t anymore?”

Terra glanced up, as if deep in thought. He then looked down again and shook his head slowly. “I don’t think so. It’s… uncomfortable for me but… I find myself looking at you and…” Terra looked away again, but only for the briefest moment. “I don’t want to feel or think those negative things anymore. Haven’t for a while, really.”

Roxas’ breath came short and sharp. His body buzzed with anxious excitement. “Have you ever kissed a guy?”

“No.”

Roxas’ heart throbbed in his throat while they exchanged a meaningful look.

 _“Do you want to?”_  
_“Can I?”_

They looked at each other and simultaneous smiles bloomed. Roxas reached for the hand on his chest and gave it an encouraging squeeze. Terra inched his way down, his eyes darting over Roxas’ upper body, his face, and then honed in on lips as he drew very near. Terra adjusted his angle, twisting a little to be more aligned with Roxas and hovered above him, his shallow breath caressing Roxas’ skin.

Roxas wet his lips, lifted his head a little and Terra understood and leaned down the rest of the way joining them in a chaste kiss. Lips were warm and soft. Roxas’ nose filled with Terra’s pleasant scent: sandalwood and something earthy. The kiss ended before Roxas could register much else. He looked up into the other man’s broad face, feeling his smile grow as he watched Terra smiling back.

“Was that all right?” Roxas asked.

Terra nodded and leaned down again kissing Roxas with a bit of energy. Roxas squeezed Terra’s hand and kissed back, smiling all the while. He reached up with his free hand, cupping Terra’s face and grazing his tongue against lips. Terra opened up slightly. Roxas slipped inside, and as he did so, slid his hand to the back of Terra’s head, pushing him down into the kiss, deepening it. He rubbed his tongue gently against Terra’s. His stomach knotted tightly as Terra sucked on him. Roxas felt a hand stroke his hair and the one on his chest move down his body slowly, feeling him up a little.

Terra’s breath blew against Roxas’ skin while their tongues danced together vigorously. Roxas’ desire grew and pooled in his groin and lower abdomen.

Terra’s hands slipped from their positions suddenly and took perch around Roxas’ waist and under his armpit. Roxas felt himself get pulled up a little. He reached out, wrapping his hands around Terra’s neck, holding himself as he sat upright in the other man’s lap, sitting side-saddle.

Their kissing intensified in the new position. Roxas held Terra tight to himself and shivered at being held around his waist. He slid one of his hands down Terra’s body to the hem of his shirt and then slipped his hand up, under it, touching smooth, taut skin. He groaned into Terra’s mouth and heard the faintest moan out of his kissing partner. Terra followed Roxas’ lead, brushing his fingertips up under Roxas’ shirt, caressing his back and sending excited shivers down Roxas’ spine.

They kept kissing, touching, murmuring and breathing with increasing desire. Roxas squeezed Terra’s pec and played with the nipple, teasing it into an erect state. Terra’s exploration of Roxas’ body centered on sweeping over his back and scraping his fingernails lightly against his skin. Terra grew emboldened after a while, leaning into Roxas, pushing him back a little and running his other hand around to Roxas’ belly where he fondled along his happy trail.

Roxas enjoyed the kissing and touching and felt himself hunger for more stimulation further down. A rub or a tug would be wonderful. He took up Terra’s hand and led him down over the fabric of his pants, hoping to encourage the other man.

Terra squeezed Roxas’ straining erection, making him whimper into Terra’s mouth.

The touch suddenly flew away, Terra’s tongue left Roxas’ mouth and Roxas got shoved off and onto the sofa. Roxas breathed erratically and stared at Terra, who bent over the coffee table, picking up the plates and cups.

“What the hell?” Roxas said in confused irritation, sitting up with his hands on his thighs.

“Sorry,” Terra murmured without looking at him and then, with a lot of energy, said, “Hi Aqua,” just as the door opened.

Roxas snapped his attention to the front door. He hadn’t heard the door unlock or open, but there was Aqua, plastic bags in her hands and a backpack on her shoulders.

“Hello you two,” she smiled warmly. “I’ve brought dinner.”

* * *

 

Dinner was a strange, tedious affair. Conversation flowed, and in some respects came natural enough, but Terra kept giving Roxas glances and looked away any time Roxas tried to hold his gaze. There was more space between them; where usually they sat within elbows reach of each other, Aqua now sat between them because of some tactful maneuvering by Terra. Roxas didn’t know whether to be irritated or relieved about it. He, however, did know that he felt rejected and shunned, but space also let him think, for better or worse.

In the quieter moments – when the conversation wasn’t directed at him or they ate or drank silently for a while, his clearing-of-alcohol thoughts turned to their make-out session. He wondered why he had done that. Scratch that. He _knew_ why he had done that, but _why_? After the previous nights’ big talk with Kairi, after his overwhelming feelings for Axel, _why?_

He thought himself a pathetic loser. He saw himself falling into his old, predictable pattern: Axel had hurt him and here was Terra; attractive, kind, attentive, a great kisser. The man served as a distraction from the pain, but Roxas wanted to be better and expected better of himself as well. He was glad Aqua had intruded when she did.

He hated this weirdness between himself and Terra, but instead of running away he hung out, waiting for an opportunity to be alone with the man because he needed to speak about this with him. No opportunity presented itself. The brief time Aqua headed off to the bathroom only spared them enough time to stand around looking at each other awkwardly and for them to have the following quick and quiet exchange of words—

“Can we talk before I leave tonight?” Roxas said.

Terra nodded. “I’ll see you out whenever you want to go.”

“Thanks.”

And more awkward standing and looking around followed.

It got to about 9:30 pm before Roxas decided that he was drained and done with studying for the day, so he said goodnight to Aqua and Terra, and painstakingly slowly packed up his things, waiting for Terra to make his move.

Roxas waited and waited but the move didn’t come. He gave up, thinking Terra had bailed on him. He went to the front door, slipped on his shoes, reached for the door, and then _finally_ Terra announced that he’d see Roxas out under the pretense of needing to check the mail as he had forgotten to do it the previous day.

They walked along the corridor toward the stairwell. Roxas wasn’t sure what he wanted to say and hoped for Terra to get started, but he seemed steely and rigid, and utterly quiet.

“So… we kissed,” Roxas offered.

A heavy sigh left Terra.

Roxas frowned and slowed his pace as they reached the stairwell and began descending. “Are you ashamed of what we did?” he queried, the words leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

Terra startled a little at that and frowned. He seemed to struggle with some words but in the end, nothing came out.

Roxas wrinkled his nose. “So you are.”

Terra stopped in his tracks on the stairs. “This isn’t easy for me. I’m not ashamed of you, of… finding you… _attractive._ I,” he lowered his voice and began walking again, “liked kissing you. I’d like to do more of it.”

And now it was Roxas’ turn to feel the full brunt of flustered embarrassment. He walked on in silence, reaching the ground floor. The fact that he wanted to say, ‘Me too,’ didn’t sit well with him. He went over to the entrance where he stopped and turned around to look at Terra. “I need some time to think about things.”

“I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I know I’ve been cold ever since Aqua came in, but I assure you that has nothing to do with you. It’s… I’m…” Terra frowned.

“I know it’s embarrassing for you.”

“I’m not embarrassed about you. I swear. It’s… myself.” As if wanting to prove his point he reached out and interlaced his fingers with Roxas a little, which served as a really warming gesture.

Roxas looked at their hands and he felt the tell-tale signs of wanting the warm flutters to never stop and to have Terra close to himself. He had to resist. “I believe you. But I still need time to think about stuff. I… have a lot of baggage.”

They exchanged a silent glance and then Terra’s lip quirked. “I do too. You’re in good company.”

Roxas huffed out a small laugh. “Thanks. I’ll be in touch.” He squeezed Terra’s hand and let go, but Terra didn’t, grabbing hold of Roxas’ wrist. Terra stepped forward a little, pulled Roxas toward himself a smidgen and leaned down, kissing Roxas’ cheek softly.

Roxas bit down the smile and said his goodnights to the other man. As soon as he stepped foot outside into the brisk night air, he was hit with reality. Thoughts and grotesque, unnerving feelings accosted him. He tried to keep the deprecating thoughts at bay as he headed home but failed miserably. His head yelled at him and accused him of being a hypocrite. He told himself Axel would hate him, and Kairi also. Hateful words sprang up around how he would hurt Terra and that he wasn’t any good to anybody. He was very glad when he arrived at his shared apartment and lay in his bed. Sleep took him swiftly, finally shutting off his head.

* * *

 

Days passed and Roxas took a massive step back from Terra. He appreciated the man not pushing the topic. In fact, Terra seemed relieved to have no mention of it come up either. He did, however, show concern over Roxas deciding to work on his coursework at the library and his own place instead of at Terra’s.

“I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you or made things awkward; Aqua has been privately asking me if you are all right. I never know what to say to her. Are we okay?” Terra apologized one day while in the cafeteria line.

“Yeah, we’re okay, really. I just gotta do this for myself and have a bit of space. I’ll have a word with Aqua, so she doesn’t worry.”

Terra took it without argument, which came as a nice surprise. He hated how amazed he felt every time he could speak his mind without a blow-up. In fact, Terra was very nice to him regardless of their distance. When they did see each other on campus, he was still the same thoughtful and kind guy Roxas had gotten to know. It made him determined to work on himself because he could feel it: the falling.

To distract himself, Roxas, wanting to help Terra, managed to catch Aqua between classes the next day and had a quick word with her.

“Hey, Aqua,” he greeted, running up to her while she walked between two buildings.

“Roxas! Hi, how are you?” She shifted a heavy-looking textbook in her arm.

“Good. Busy,” he grinned. “Terra says you’re worried about me. I just wanted to take this opportunity to say I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? If something happened between you and Terra you can tell me.”

He laughed nervously. “What could have happened?”

“Well… I’m not entirely sure how to say this but… and I don’t mean to insinuate anything, it’s just… if he comes across as too friendly, it’s really nothing you need to be concerned about. He’s just…” the wrinkle in her brow deepened as she searched for words, “fond of you. If you feel like he’s too close, you can just tell him to back off, and I know he would.”

Roxas felt himself flush a little with embarrassment, both for himself and Aqua. “Oh no, I… I’m not put off by him or anything like that. I’m… fond of him too,” he said, feeling cagey and like he was walking on eggshells, but he didn’t want to out Terra, especially with how uncomfortable he was in regard to himself.

“Oh.”

Roxas hummed, not sure of what else to say about the matter.

“Are you… gay?” she asked quietly, leaning in a little.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” she said again with more relieved emphasis. “Please don’t tell him I said anything but… I think he might be too, but… I think he has a lot of… internalized… dislike for himself—not other people—he adores you, but… just himself.”

“I… we sort of had a chat about that,” he confessed, hoping he wasn’t betraying Terra.

“Oh? When? Was it… the night I came over with dinner when you two were on the sofa?”

Roxas nodded.

“What happened?” she asked in a hushed tone, shifting her book to her other arm.

“We kissed,” Roxas breathed, feeling giddy over the taboo topic.

Aqua gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “Really?” she asked, the smile in her words revealed on her face when she lowered her hand.

“Really.” Roxas smiled back, keeping it small and constrained, but it built the giddiness inside himself nonetheless.

“Wow. So, he _is?”_

Roxas nodded and a loud exhale of relief fell out of Aqua.

“That man,” she said at a normal volume. “I’m glad he’s finally letting himself feel something and acting on it instead of just moping and denying himself.” She added, in a muffle to herself, “It is strange that it’s you though.”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.” She shook her head slightly. “Will you two be seeing each other?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’ve got things to think about. I have a… long and complicated history when it comes to relationships,” he admitted with a tired smile.

Aqua nodded and hummed. “Well, please tell Terra that he can and _should_ talk to me about this. I won’t think any less of him. He’s always too overly cautious with things like this. He worries a lot about what others will think of him. But in today’s climate, there is nothing wrong with being open about your sexuality. I suppose he’ll have to learn that the hard way though. But maybe you could encourage him?” She smiled brightly at him.

“I can try. Anyway… I think I’ve said too much. The point is we’re fine. I’m just taking some time to think things through.”

Aqua nodded. “I’m happy to hear that. Thank you for talking to me about this, Roxas. I won’t say another thing to him about it until I know you two have cleared things up.” She pressed her finger to her lips and made a zipping action. “I will leave it to you. Knowing at least one gay man will help him an incredible amount.”

“I thought you weren’t going to talk about this anymore,” he teased the woman.

Aqua laughed. “Yes, sorry. I’m just a little bit excited for him. But come, let’s buy something to drink. My class starts in ten minutes.”

* * *

 

Roxas worked on dating himself over the next couple of weeks, especially when faced with Axel and Riku – because despite having told Axel that he needed to keep away a little, he did start going to lunch meetups again at the bookshop café from time to time. It was that or not see Axel at all, since alone-time with the man seemed unattainable due to conflicting schedules.

So Roxas made himself suffer through the ordeal, but it was made easier because of how relieved Axel always looked to see him. He treated Roxas to sweet drinks and seemingly _tried_ to sit away from Riku, but Riku always came and sat next to him at some point during lunch. It looked to Roxas like Axel tried to minimize, downplay, and hide the hand-holding and small affectionate gestures between himself and Riku. Roxas appreciated the effort but it didn’t do much to ease the irksome resentment inside himself.

He hated that he couldn’t run away from Terra by being with Axel, and he hated that he couldn’t escape his feelings for Axel because he didn’t allow himself to hang around with Terra. So, he attempted to focus on himself, making an effort to dress up nicely for no one but himself and go out to places he would never have dreamed of going by himself. He went to a fine dining event, found a place to do a wine tasting at, took himself to an art gallery and museum, and even found a hobby farm to visit, amongst other things.

It wasn’t that these were specifically _dateish_ things to do, but they certainly were things Roxas would never have been interested in going to unless prompted by someone else. Thus, Roxas thought they were the perfect places to take himself on self-dates.

Some things he enjoyed, some things not so much. Some things seemed more fun to do with other people – it didn’t even have to be a romantic-interest person. A friend would have been great too, which, inevitably, led his thoughts back to Terra.

He still thought about their kiss. He didn’t much care for the self-imposed exile from his friends, but he also remained excessively unsure of himself. He had seen his therapist, which left him with more questions than answers, and he had also spoken to Sora, whose only sage advice had been to sabotage the Axel/Riku thing.

Defeated and in need of a distraction, Roxas called Hayner one evening. They caught each other up on their daily lives and it wasn’t long at all before the conversation turned to what ailed Roxas the most right now.

_“You two ‘still’ aren’t together?”_

“He’s still dating that up-himself prick,” Roxas grumbled into his hands-free while hand-sewing details onto a gift he was making for Kairi.

_“What are you doing about it?”_

“Whaddya mean? You want me to sabotage their relationship too?”

_“‘Too?’ Is this a Sora thing?”_

“Yeah, he wants me to make Riku look bad in front of Axel. Fart when we’re all hanging out together and then leave the scene of the crime. Make him eat something and then not tell him there’s food stuck in his teeth.” Roxas smiled with bittersweet affection at his silly cousins’ words. “Sora doesn’t know Axel can gas a whole room out. It makes mine pale in comparison. He also doesn’t care about food stuck anywhere. If he wants to kiss you, he’ll kiss you.” Roxas stopped sewing and stared heavily at the pink fabric and thread with a weary heart and a scowl on his face brought on by the memories.

_“You still sound hung up about the guy.”_

“Amazing observation, Sherlock.”

_“What are you doing to not be hung up about him?”_

“Other than drowning in coursework and keeping myself occupied every chance I get to not think about this?”

_“Yeah. What’re you doing for fun? To let off some steam.”_

“I’ve been going out by myself and doing things; visiting places, trying to enjoy my own company.”

 _“I’m talking about a different kind of steam-letting,”_ Hayner sniggered.

 _“Oh—_ No. I… haven’t.”

_“Maybe you should? Maybe you’re just exceptionally horny? When was the last time you had sex? And it’s gotta have been ‘with’ someone. Your hand doesn’t count.”_

“Ah.” Roxas thought back to the time he had been with Zack. “A few months ago.”

Hayner gasped dramatically. _“Maybe that’s your problem? I’ve been way more mellow since I’m getting pretty regular sex.”_

“Oh, you and Ethan graduated?”

_“Yeah, kinda. I followed your advice with the foreplay stuff. It’s… been an experience and it’s still a bit weird but it also feels pretty good too, so…”_

Roxas imagined the shrug attached to the end of that sentence. “I’m really happy to hear that, Hay.”

_“Thanks, man. It’s been going well. We’re still casual but we’re spending more time together too, and not just doing each other.”_

“Awww.”

_“Shaddap, you.”_

Roxas could hear the smile and it grew his own.

 _“But, c’mon. Is there anyone you could let off some steam with? I can recommend you apps too. There are so many horny guys out there,”_ Hayner laughed.

Roxas already thought of Terra and his cheeks heated up. “I… well, there is a guy I sort of like. We made out a few weeks ago.”

_“That sounds promising. Why aren’t you sounding more pumped about it?”_

“Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I have a terrible habit of running to guys for comfort. I don’t want to keep doing that. And the day we made out—well, I had a really shitty night the night before, and my friend, Kairi, told me I should take more time for myself, and my therapist agrees too. And I don’t want to just jump into another relationship.”

_“Who’s saying ‘anything’ about a relationship?”_

Roxas stared blankly. “Just… a casual hookup?’

_“Yeah.”_

“I don’t know if Terra would be into that. He seems the serious, relationship sort of guy. And I know I don’t want anyone but Axel for that.” He frowned, shook his head, and resumed his sewing.

_“You’ve got it so bad.”_

“Yeah. That’s never been a secret.”

_“Don’t go crazy waiting for this guy to come around. Why should he get all the sex just ‘cause he’s in a relationship?”_

Roxas stopped his needlework and stared at his penguin. “Is it weird that I feel… _guilty?_ I… I made out with Terra and I felt so bad for it after. Like I was cheating on Axel and like I’m using Terra, and Terra is super nice, and I don’t want to use him.”

_“Just talk to him. I know what I got into with Ethan before we started anything. It helps to manage expectations.”_

Roxas wondered if Terra would be cool with a casual thing and was surprised at himself for considering it. “Do you think I’m a horrible slut for wanting sex?”

_“Hell no.”_

Roxas smiled and resumed his task. “Cool. He’s really nice, you know. When I’m around him I feel liked and… well, after we made out, I felt kinda wanted too. Sort of how it used to be when I saw Axel at the club.”

_“You don’t feel like Axel wants you anymore?”_

“I don’t know. It’s different now,” Roxas muttered. “Riku is always there. Axel keeps his distance from me when we are out as a group and I can’t help but blame Riku. Axel tells me in private that he misses me and wants me to come hang out at his place, and it’s really tempting—”

_“But?”_

“But,” he continued with a heavy sigh, “I think it will hurt me more if I do that. It feels safer to be kept at arm’s length.”

_“That blows, Pineapple. I’m sorry it’s so shit for you.”_

“Thanks for the sympathy.”

_“You’re welcome. So whaddya reckon you’ll do about your possible cas’ hookup?”_

“Think on it some more.”

_“What’s there to think about? You like him?”_

“Yeah?”

_“And he likes you?”_

“Probably.”

_“You said you guys made out.”_

“Yeah, but we were drinking so that might not count.” Roxas knew it was a silly excuse of a thought. He felt like Terra liked him with every fiber of his being.

Hayner let out a loud ‘pfft’. _“Just go for it, man.”_

Roxas couldn’t keep the laugh inside. “Listen to you, so confident now that you’ve got a—”

_“Don’t jinx it. We’re not dating.”_

“Yet.”

 _“Yet,”_ Hayner repeated with warmth in his voice.

“You really like him, huh?”

_“Yeah.”_

“What’s happening there? Stop being vague about it.”

_“I will when you stop deflecting.”_

Roxas groaned. “I’ll do something about my libido. I’ll talk to Terra. There. Is that good enough?”

_“I suppose. I wanna be the first to know when you hit it, okay? Don’t go to Sora, and don’t tell any of your other friends in Pensacola. I wanna be ‘first’ to know. Okay? It’s my right as your bestie.”_

Roxas laughed. “Okay. You will be the first to know. And _you_ better not say a _word_ about this to Sora. He’ll kill me.”

“Sworn oath, to you as my bestest bud, forever.”

“And evermore,” Roxas chuckled. “Okay, so, c’mon, tell me your stuff.”

_“Kay, ah… how much do you wanna know?”_

“However much you are comfortable with telling me.”

 _“Well… we took it slow. As I said we did butt stuff with fingers and toys and it kind of escalated pretty quickly after the first few times,”_ Hayner chuckled. _“It feels pretty good. Like… I didn’t know it could feel that good in the ass.”_

“It’s pretty good.” Roxas was all smiles, but it dropped with a curious thought, “Does Ethan… have you two swapped?”

_“Yeah. Lately, we have been swapping since we’re spending more time together.”_

“Just like that, huh?” Roxas thought back on all the pointless arguments he had gone through with Vanitas because of something so simple as wanting to change things up. Just _once_ had been all he had ever asked for in the bedroom department.

_“Yeah. He doesn’t just let anyone top him so I’m… a ‘little’ bit excited to see where this goes.”_

“Are you falling _in love?”_ Roxas teased gently.

Hayner coughed.

Roxas smiled brightly, feeling incredibly happy for his best friend. “Send me a photo of the two of you. There’s nothing official on your page.”

_“I’m still keeping it low-key. There’s not too many people who know I’m seeing guys and as soon as Sora sees me hanging out with Ethan, I’m done for.”_

Roxas laughed. “Send me something in private since we’re BFF’s. I’ll keep it secret, keep it safe,” he smirked.

_“You dork.”_

They both laughed.

“Will you, though? Send me a photo, I mean.”

_“Maybe… I can ask him.”_

“Ask him?”

_“We haven’t really taken any photos.”_

Roxas gasped. “Terrible. Why’s that?”

_“Don’t know really. I’ll… look into it and let you know how it goes.”_

“Great!”

_“I want a photo of you and this Terra guy when you end up sleeping with him.”_

“Okay, but it won’t be like that with us. We… I don’t want a relationship.”

_“Yeah, yeah. You just want Axel—Why?”_

Roxas thought about it. A warm candle burned in his chest for the man who had been there for him through some of the worst bits and enmeshed with some of the best bits of his life. “I….” Roxas stopped himself from saying he felt indebted. He didn’t. But he did feel like he owed Axel a lot. “He’s seen me at my lowest. At my worst. He still… accepts me, I guess. I want to believe that he still wants me.”

_“But he’s dating someone else.”_

“But he waited for me while _I_ was dating someone else. I want to do the same for him. I want to be with him. Give it a proper go without shitty exes hanging around, and my own shitty insecurities and anxieties making me say and do shit to make our lives difficult.”

Silence greeted Roxas.

“You think it’s dumb that I’m holding out,” he muttered.

_“Kind of. You’re living in the past. Always living in the past, man. If you have someone in your life ‘right now’ who’s treating you nicely then why not be with that guy, instead of some asshole?”_

“Axel _isn’t_ an asshole,” Roxas bit.

_“You sure about that?”_

_“Yeah!_ He’s not. Not… completely. He’s… nice to me. It’s just…” Roxas felt his resolve and voice weaken, “lately things have been a bit up and down… for both of us. I’m not being my best either. I’m working on that, and as much as it sucks and I hate it, I also think this break is good for us.” Or so he tried to tell himself at least.

_“Okay, whatever you say. I just don’t want you to end up in another lousy relationship. I think being with other people will give you more perspective, so I’m all for you rooting other guys.”_

“I get what you mean,” Roxas muttered quietly. “I’m trying to get to know myself better and not focus so much on other people. That’s why I don’t want something serious with Terra.”

_“That sounds all right. If he’s cool with you being cas’ then go for it, man.”_

“I will. You’re right. I could use a good root.”

Hayner laughed. _“Awesome.”_

“I hope it _will_ be good though. He hasn’t ever been with a guy, so I worry about freaking him out.”

 _“Oh. One of ‘those’ guys,”_ Hayner laughed, full of smugness. _“Well, Ethan will vouch for the fact that practice makes perfect. I’m getting better at it and holding out, so don’t worry. As long as the guy’s into it you’ll both have a good time.”_

Roxas smiled. “The student has now become the master, huh?”

Hayner cackled through the line. _“Pretty much.”_

Roxas chuckled as well. “Thanks, Hay. You make me feel a lot better.”

_“What I’m here for, man.”_

* * *

 

It took a few days and a lot of avoiding before Roxas managed to muster enough courage to send a text message to Terra.

message header: **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 17:59 Hey Terra. Sorry I haven’t seen you much these last few days. I’ve been busy. And thinking. I’ve come to a decision. I’d really like to see you tonight if you’re free to talk.  
  


Roxas looked at his dormant lamp and the penguin sitting next to it, feeling horribly guilty and missing Axel while he waited for a response. He wished he didn’t have to go through with this; he wished he could just visit Axel for a booty call; that he was already over there, lazing on the couch and waiting for Axel to come home from work. Roxas longed for Axel to throw his arms around him and pepper him with kisses. He sighed. _This_ was precisely why he had needed to text Terra.

He wasn’t left thinking about glum thoughts too much longer with the buzzing of his phone breaking through the dense mental fog and beratement.

message header: **Roxas**  
  
  
**Today** 17:59 Hey Terra. Sorry I haven’t seen you much these last few days. I’ve been busy. And thinking. I’ve come to a decision. I’d really like to see you tonight if you’re free to talk.  
  
18:02 Terra  
Yes, I’m free and not expecting anyone over this evening. Do you want me to make you dinner?   
  
I think I’m too nervous to be hungry. Don’t trouble yourself. I’ll be over in an hour?  
  
18:03 Terra  
I’m nervous too. I’ll see you then ( :) )  
  


Roxas exhaled sharply and made to get ready. He changed into nicer clothes, popped by Kairi’s room to let her know he was going out and slunk away as she smiled happily at him and sent a brimming-with-cheer yell of, “Enjoy your date,” after him. It reverberated in his ears, watering the Guilt Plants growing inside. He wondered—dreaded—what Kairi would say if she _knew_ that he was going out to be with a man. He did _not_ want to think about it. He focused on heading out and practiced the mental techniques Simon had been teaching him to help manage the negative thoughts.

He went toward the university and Terra’s place, stopping by a convenience store where he bought condoms and two types of lubricant… just in case. He felt completely ashamed and horny while he waited in line to pay for the goods.

The closer he got, the more real it became. He thought that maybe the condoms and lubricant he carried in an opaque white shopping bag were a bit much. He thought of Hayner and how long it had taken him to get comfortable with sex. Roxas didn’t know much about Terra’s homophobia – where it started, when it changed – but suspected that Terra might also be a bit shy and wary of going all the way with him. Despite the nerves making his entire body thrum uncomfortably, Roxas smiled while he approached Terra’s building. If he was going to be Terra’s first experience, he wanted to be a really good experience. He would take it slow, be attentive, gentle, and make sure Terra was as comfortable as possible.

Roxas arrived at the brick, medium-density dwelling and pushed the intercom.

“It’s me,” he said when the static popped. He was wordlessly let inside and ascended the flight of stairs to the next floor and walked down the hall to Terra’s apartment. He pushed the doorbell and the door opened mere moments later.

“Roxas,” Terra said, a nervous smile painting his face.

Roxas returned the smile, hopefully with more confidence, and went inside. The door shut behind him and the two men stood face-to-face. Roxas felt hot and like his cheeks were inflamed. He dropped his eyes down to Terra’s mid-chest, staring at the tight-fitting shirt clinging to his pecs and flat abs. Roxas was pretty certain Terra had dressed up. He felt oddly touched by that.

“How have you been?” Terra asked, a light tension strumming the edge of his words.

“Good, good. Yeah.” Roxas looked up briefly giving a small smile before his gaze dropped again. “I’m sorry that I haven’t seen you much the last few days. I’ve…” he sighed and looked up slowly, “been avoiding you. I really want to do this with you, which is why I’m here now. Do you still want to have sex with me?” Roxas could hardly breathe by the end of it. He wanted to melt into the ground from embarrassment.

At least Terra looked the way Roxas felt. His eyes darted, his arms shifted and fidgeted between resting confidently situated on his hips, to crossing them, to holding himself on his upper arm and then hands dropping back onto hips. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot these last few weeks—about the kiss—and… yes. I’m happy to try more. T-to have s-sex with you.” He clenched his jaw and gave Roxas a hard stare. 

Roxas laughed out a small huffy breath and looked up at Terra fondly. “This is awkward and weird for the both of us.”

Terra breathed out a sigh of relief and chuckled. “This is beyond anything I’ve ever done or thought of doing. I’ve never randomly hooked up with anyone. Not with people I consider friends, and definitely never guy friends.”

“Me neither—the random hook-ups I mean. I had a one-night stand once though.”

“You did?”

Roxas gave a slight nod, not sure if he should be proud of himself or abhorrently ashamed.

“How was it?”

“Wild…. Hot…. Great.” Roxas’ cheeks blazed. “I still talk to the guy. I don’t know if that’s supposed to happen or not.” Roxas saw a warm smile on Terra’s face, easing some of the tension inside himself.

“You _really_ still speak to the guy?”

Roxas nodded. “Yeah. Is… that a problem?”

“No. I…” Terra hummed. “I want to stay your friend, Roxas. I’m worried it will change things. I don’t want it to change things between us.”

Relieved, Roxas said, “Same. If we both don’t want things to change that’s good, right? Means it shouldn’t.”

Terra gave a small nod.

Roxas stepped closer to Terra, holding out the bag. “I bought condoms and lube, but we don’t have to use them. We can just make out on the sofa for all I care.”

Terra took the bag, gave his sofa a longing glance but quickly turned his attention back to Roxas. “I want to invite you to my bedroom.”

Roxas’ stomach erupted with flutters. He nodded and swallowed down his nervous excitement. Terra gave him a brittle smile and extended a jittery hand, grasping Roxas’ and led him to his bedroom. Roxas felt like he was watching himself from the outside. Somehow, he hadn’t actually expected Terra to be so open to them having sex. He had expected making out—Roxas told himself to calm down. Nothing was happening just yet. They’d probably just make out and maybe grope each other on the bed. He refocused as they entered the bedroom.

Roxas had never been in there before. It was spacious. The wall running parallel to the door was one large inbuilt wardrobe with various shaped and sized doors. The room had one bed, a Japanese-style futon on tatami mats, laid out underneath the curtained window. A small raised platform sat beside the bed, holding a lamp, which was on and cast a warm light, imbuing the room with a homely and intimate quality. There was also a photo of Terra, Aqua, and Ventus smiling brightly at an eatery of some sort in a standing picture frame, a box of tissues, and a stack of books neatly piled up on the small platform. The only other things in this room, stowed away on the opposite end to the bed, seemed to be boxes with most probably the raw materials Terra needed for making cosplay armor.

Roxas tore his gaze from the boxes and was led to the foot of the bed which he looked down at. “Is that comfortable?”

“To me it is, but I grew up sleeping like this, so…” Terra shrugged. “Will it be an issue?”

“Can’t see it being one.” Roxas decided he needed to make the moves and put both of them at ease. He stepped closer to Terra, ran one hand up the satisfyingly taut body, and the other one down Terra’s arm, to the plastic bag, which he took and dropped to the ground. He tiptoed up, Terra leaned down and they kissed with more assurance and eagerness than the first time several weeks ago.

“Have you been drinking?” Roxas asked, dropping back down and tasting the sharpness of something alcoholic as he licked his lips.

“Liquid courage. It wasn’t much. Just two small cups.”

Roxas smiled. “Damn, I should have thought of that.”

“I can get you something if you want.” Terra already pulled away, heading to the door.

Roxas grabbed hold of Terra’s wrist and yanked him back. “No. I want you here, with me.” He stretched up again, held Terra’s face in his hands, and kissed him deeply. Terra leaned down, held Roxas firm around his middle and dipped him a little with how eagerly he kissed back. They explored each other’s mouths with tongues. Roxas held on tight to Terra with his hands and kicked up one leg, holding himself close to the other man.

They moaned quietly into each other’s mouths and Roxas felt himself get lowered onto the futon bedding. The bed smelled clean. The earthy musk of the tatami mats hit his nose and mixed with Terra’s scent. A growling sexual hunger erupted inside of Roxas. He groped along Terra’s shirt, looking for the hem, and he wrapped both his legs around Terra’s hips, pulling them close, and canted his hips to rub their heated bodies together.

Roxas, despite his best intentions, felt horny as fuck at that moment and just wanted to get to business as fast as possible. He left firm kisses in between saying, “If you want me to stop at any time, tell me. Tell me what you want. We’ll go as slow as you want.” He lifted Terra’s shirt, slid his hands up the deliciously soft-yet-firm skin of Terra’s sides, pushing the shirt up as he went with the intention of getting it off the other man. No sounds of protest left Terra. He only hummed and kissed Roxas back harder. Terra unbuttoned the front of Roxas’ shirt with some haste and when Roxas reached Terra’s armpits Terra leaned up and stripped the shirt off himself, flinging it to the side. He dove back down, kissing Roxas’ neck, pulling gently at the skin he found there with his lips. Roxas craned his head back, giving Terra better access whilst he rubbed the man’s bare torso.

Roxas smiled up at the ceiling, completely excited and bewildered while Terra kissed his way down Roxas’ body as he kept unbuttoning the shirt, and when he got the last one undone, ran his hands up and down Roxas’ sides a few times before taking a firm hold of him around the middle, helping Roxas sit up. Their lips and tongues hungrily met yet again and Roxas lost his shirt. When Roxas’ hands were free from his shirt, he unbuckled Terra’s jeans. Terra fumbled with Roxas’ buttons and zipper so Roxas helped. Terra pushed him back down against the futon, sat back a bit and stared at him.

Roxas smiled up, also drinking in the sight of Terra’s naked torso. And what a sight it was. Terra presented a lot leaner than Zack yet more buff than Axel. Roxas thought he could chip a tooth on those pecs and damn if he didn’t want to try. He sat up, pulled himself close to the furnace that was Terra’s body and gently mouthed over Terra’s chest, scraping his teeth and rolling his tongue over skin and nipples when he got there. Terra’s hands kept roaming over Roxas’ skin, skimming the waistband of his jeans. Fingers gently dipped, making Roxas gasp.

He pushed back and lay himself down, lifting his hips. “Can we be naked? Or is that too much too fast?” he asked of Terra who licked his lips discreetly and grazed his fingertips over Roxas’ body.

“No.” Terra shook his head, scooched off Roxas while he pulled Roxas’ pants and underpants off in one go, leaving Roxas a little startled.

“Wow,” he giggled, feeling heady from excitement.

Terra stared at Roxas. Bathed in the soft light, Roxas saw Terra’s cheeks turning pink. His eyes kept darting on and off Roxas’ erection but then he stared uninterrupted. “It feels crazy to me how much I want this with you, after always…” Terra gave Roxas a soft look.

Roxas reached out and squeezed Terra’s arm. “As long as you’re comfortable.”

“I am. My turn now.” With a deep breath, Terra stood up, facing away and resting his hands on his jeans. He stood like that for a little while, seemingly to mentally assess what he was doing.

Roxas waited with bated breath which he let out as Terra shimmied out of his clothes.

“Go slower,” Roxas breathed, sitting up a little, resting on his elbows, and getting off on the sight of Terra’s defined, tapered back, and the gradual reveal of his hips, ass, and thighs. Roxas wanted to pound into him while gripping him firmly.

He couldn’t stifle the moan as Terra bent over to take his jeans off the rest of the way. Terra threw him an abashed look over his shoulder, cast his clothes aside and then slowly turned around to face Roxas, showing off his impressively erect glory. Roxas ogled Terra’s glistening-with-pre-cum erection. He looked at the thick thighs, the well-trimmed dark hairs and the incredible definition in Terra’s body. Roxas thought his knees would buckle if he were standing up.

Terra stood, tense and embarrassed, avoiding eye contact with Roxas.

“We’re both naked and your body is incredible. C’mere,” Roxas reached out with one hand.

Terra looked at him, gave a small smile and walked over. He knelt down with Roxas’ thighs under him and rummaged through the shopping bag, producing the lubricant.

Roxas smiled. “What’re you going to do with that?”

“I…” Terra’s voice broke. He cleared his throat and said, “I want to… do stuff with you—touch you.” He breathed deep and looked at Roxas’ cock.

Roxas shivered. “I want that too. But you need to use the other lube for that.”

“Other?” Terra looked at the tube, confused.

Roxas leaned over a little and found the other one. “That one is for anal stuff, and _this_ one is for jerking off and licking.” He smacked his lips together lightly, feeling incredibly giddy and surprisingly confident.

“Ah.” Terra swapped the tubes with Roxas, opened the correct one and pumped a generous amount into his hand. “There’s so much to learn.”

Roxas nodded. “I’ll teach you.” He held out his hand. “Give me some too?”

Terra gave a hesitant look at the hand and then glanced at his own cock.

“If you don’t want me to, I won’t,” Roxas quickly recanted.

Terra acted swiftly, pumping some of the lube into Roxas’ hand before he could pull away. “I’m okay. Really. You can touch me if you want.”

Roxas wet his lips and gave a small nod. The lubricant was set aside and they both looked at each other for a long moment. Roxas could feel Terra’s hand ghosting very close to his erection. For some reason, Terra’s hand gave off an aura of heat. Roxas reached out, past himself, between Terra’s legs and watched Terra’s eyes slip closed simultaneously as a tiny gasp left him when Roxas came in contact with the head of his large penis. Roxas leaned up a little, sliding his hand further down the shaft, to the base, where he gave a soft squeeze. He found Terra comparable to Axel, which suddenly hurt and caused his movement to waver out of embarrassed shame.

Thoughts were forgotten. Roxas whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut. Warmth and pressure clasped around his shaft and Terra stroked him. Roxas really missed this; being intimate with another person and having himself be touched. In truth, Roxas had been neglecting himself in general; too busy and too tired to even have a quickie in the shower with his hand. Terra’s firm, long, and warm strokes were divine. He resumed his own stroking of Terra’s erection and they breathed softly in the quiet of the room as they jerked each other off.

Roxas eventually pried his eyes open and watched Terra’s languid hand movements over his cock. Terra’s blue eyes were trained on Roxas’ erection. He licked his lips from time to time and looked down at Roxas doing the same to himself. Their eyes met after a moment longer.

“God, I can’t believe this is happening,” Terra breathed out and leaned forward, capturing Roxas’ lips in a sweet yet intense kiss, wiping away the simper which had formed there.

Roxas lay down with his head against the pillow and Terra followed him kissing with energy and hunger. Their hands moved faster between them, building the pleasurable feeling. Roxas’ mind swam with gratification yet also pleasant surprise over this turn of events.

Their explorative kiss mutually broke and little pecks fell here and there between their soft puffs of breath.

“You _sure_ you’ve never done this before?” Roxas huffed with a small laugh and a rumble of pleasure in his voice with the increasing tension building in his shaft.

Terra’s voice scratched with heavy desire as he muttered, “Never. I did do some research though.”

Roxas let out a teasing, _“Ooh,”_ and added, “gay porn, huh? Is that a first for you?”

“It was, yes. There was some text-based stuff too.”

“ _Lots_ of research, huh?” Roxas chuckled and shivered at the husky laugh that left Terra’s throat. “Show me what you’ve learned,” Roxas whispered into Terra’s ear, licking the shell as he drew away.

Terra gave a coy smile and resumed his kissing of Roxas. Their hands kept stroking but at a slower pace. Terra squeezed and fondled Roxas’ head and Roxas followed suit but also ran his hand all the way down to cup Terra’s sac a few times. Terra rubbed Roxas’ slit, making him moan into the fiercely sucking kiss.

Terra broke the kiss and made his way down Roxas’ body slowly, roaming around his upper chest, pulling at Roxas’ nipples which made Roxas arch his back and sent tingles down his spine. Roxas bucked his hips a little, grinding his cock against Terra’s hand, increasing the friction and making himself moan loudly.

A far quieter and constrained moan left Terra, and Roxas opened his eyes to look up at the other man, who leaned back, bathed in the soft glow of the lamp. The lighting situation did nothing to disguise the fierce blush on Terra’s cheeks and neck.

Terra gazed down at him, smiling softly. “You’re so beautiful,” he breathed out.

Flutters erupted. Roxas’ heart swelled. “I’m so ready for you,” he husked, licking his lips and rubbing the underside of Terra’s cock with the pad of his thumb.

“I would do anything for you. Tell me what you want,” Terra rumbled.

Roxas’ stomach knotted with desire. His throat felt parched. He knew what he wanted but… he wanted Terra to feel incredible. He wanted to give _everything_ to the other man – wanted to be his perfect fuck experience – wanted to never be apart. He _needed_ to be what Terra wanted most. That thought, at that moment, niggled at Roxas. “Will you blow me?” he found himself saying.

Hesitation halted Terra’s movements around Roxas’ cock. “I… you _really_ want me to?”

Roxas saw the cringe and it stabbed his chest. “No. You lie down, and I’ll show you how it’s done.” Roxas moved quickly, swapping positions with Terra by roughly shoving and guiding the other man down with his hands and with kisses. He trailed pecks and licks down Terra’s warm body to his twitching wet cock. Roxas took it up with both his hands, pointing the hot flesh towards his mouth, which he opened up to slowly slip his lips over the head and suck. Terra’s salty flavor intermingled with the lubricant: a sweet berry taste and scent.

Terra grunted with strained pleasure. A quiet, “Oh _God,”_ left him. His hand ruffled, stroked, and teased Roxas’ hair, while Roxas made out with Terra’s cockhead. He showered it in affectionate sucks, licks, and kisses, all the while pumping the base of Terra’s shaft and fondling his sac. Terra kept moaning, grunting, all in a very measured manner. He splayed his knees out to either side of himself and one of his legs rubbed against Roxas’ body.

Roxas wanted to finger Terra so badly. He wanted to make the other man cum with just a push and rub against his sensitive spot. Roxas wanted his cock so far up Terra that it would finally make a scream come out. But he cooled it and sucked and bobbed his way down Terra’s shaft, taking him in a little further each time until he could deepthroat comfortably, which he did. Terra’s hands clenched; one in Roxas’ hair, the other at his side. He eventually thrust his head back and moaned in a whisper.

While it was sexy, Roxas also wanted to see, hear, and _feel_ more. He eased off the erection and returned to sucking on the sensitive flesh of Terra’s head for a few moments.

Terra’s breath ran ragged and Roxas wondered if the other man was getting close. He didn’t want it to end just yet. He pulled off Terra and squeezed the man’s thighs a little. “Can I ride you?” his voice cracked a bit from having a thick cock down himself moments before.

Terra looked up at Roxas rather dumbly and nodded. Roxas grinned from ear to ear, loving the fact that stoic Terra was coming undone.

“I’ll need the anal lube now. It’s thicker.”

Terra handed him the lube and Roxas applied it to his fingers, warming it a little. He didn’t think Terra was ready to finger him just yet, so Roxas did it himself. He found himself tight from disuse which made him excited, hoping Terra would moan like a whore for him. He applied more lube while he asked Terra to put on a condom. He would have loved nothing more than to not use one but thought better of it.

So, while that was happening, he got his ass slick, positioned himself above Terra with his hands gripping the man’s shoulders and then looked down. “Ready?”

Terra nodded, his eyes already slipping half shut. Roxas eased down and felt the satisfying stretch and delicious fullness of the cock entering him. A shivering tingle fired up and down his spine as Terra’s erection brushed past his bundle of nerves, making him grip Terra’s shoulders tighter as he moaned with satisfaction like a filthy, cheap whore. He got Terra all the way inside and rocked and rubbed the cock against the spot that felt nicest. Terra groaned low and long but not loud enough for Roxas. He lifted himself off Terra and eased himself back on, building speed and rhythm which almost made him salivate with how good it felt. He kept holding on to Terra’s shoulders for leverage as he fucked himself hard and then slow. He loved the way Terra gasped when he changed speed and intensity.

Terra rasped with sharp huffs.

“You won’t last much longer?” Roxas strained through his own need for release.

Terra shook his head and gripped Roxas’ thighs tightly, squeezing and rubbing.

Roxas looked down at his dripping erection and the pool he was leaving on Terra’s stomach. “You want me to put a condom on?”

“Do… what you… want,” the other man labored.

A shiver tingled up Roxas’ spine. He looked down at himself again, loving that sight and watched more of himself leak out as he canted his hips, assaulting his prostate with sweet pleasure. He threw his head up to the ceiling and moaned loudly, picking up his pace again, riding Terra in sheer delight.

Roxas knew himself to be close but he needed more. “Fuck. Terra. Touch me,” he ordered and begged all at once. _“Fuck me,”_ he cursed at the feel of Terra’s strong hand engulfing his erection and pumping in rhythm with his fucking. He grunted and groaned hard each time he drove himself back onto the rigid shaft in his ass. The firm futon made it easier to grind himself hard, and he did. Terra panted; his eyes squeezed shut as if trying to pull on all his self-discipline to hold out. Roxas wanted to hear stoic Terra moan; to witness a deep, feral grunt and shout.

“C’mon, Terra. Let me hear you enjoy yourself,” he squeezed out, rolling his hips and biting his lip because the friction in his ass and on his cock felt incredible.

Terra pumped Roxas harder. Roxas watched a beautiful smile grace Terra’s lips as he opened his eyes and looked up at him. “Ven.”

Roxas froze mid-fuck.

Terra’s eyes shot wide open and his hand stopped mid-stroke on Roxas’ cock. “I—”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” Roxas snapped.

“I’m sorry.” Terra raised himself up a little.

“Shut up.” Roxas leaned down and kissed Terra back down against the pillow gruffly, resuming his rocking against the still incredibly firm and hot erection inside his ass. He fucked and kissed and fought against the sting behind his eyes. Deep in his soul, he knew he hadn’t come here for _just_ _this_. He had wanted _more._ A connection. A bond. He wanted an Axel in his life and the bitterness inside him grew and grew over knowing Terra wouldn’t be _it_ because he was someone else’s ‘meant to be.’

Roxas’ pace slowed down unbeknownst to himself. His kisses lacked energy, but he felt too stubborn to quit. His body still wanted the release. He wished he could shut his brain off. Terra intervened, thankfully. He broke their kiss. “Roxas,” he murmured, and with gentle care and great strength, rolled them over and repositioned them without Terra’s cock slipping completely out of Roxas’ ass.

Terra peppered Roxas with kisses while he pumped himself in and out of his tight embrace. He murmured Roxas’ name over and over in hushed whispers against his ear. It was a barb laced with honey and wrapped in cotton.

“Harder,” Roxas grumbled. He didn’t want fluff. “Harder,” he said with huffing strength as Terra picked up his pace. “ _Harder_ ,” he commanded with all the pissed off feelings inside himself as Terra hunched over him, one arm under Roxas’ shoulders, and the other braced against the futon, trying to keep them from sliding up and hitting the wall as Terra jackhammered into Roxas at full tilt. The pleasure in Roxas’ ass drowned out the heaviness in the back of his head.

“Touch me,” he said, and Terra’s hand slid down and pumped Roxas moments later in synch to his own pounding.

Both men groaned and panted. Terra’s more constrained but still louder than before. His head slumped down next to Roxas’. The rutting didn’t stop. The harsh huffs against Roxas’ ear and hot breath against his skin sent an erotic chill through Roxas. The tension in him snapped and he came with a powerful shudder, curling his toes and fingers. His cum spurted all over himself and moments later, Roxas heard the deep grunt from Terra, who pumped into Roxas at a shallow and languid pace as his orgasm rushed through him. Roxas felt the hand on his shoulder tighten and the smallest breath left Terra’s body, but it still sounded like, _“Ven.”_

Roxas couldn’t say anything or feel affronted at that moment. Good feelings tingled all through his body and his heart raced in a comforting way. Both men lay together for several minutes composing themselves and eventually Terra pulled out, and pulled off the condom, tying it up and tossing it into the small trash bin in the corner beside the lamp. He grabbed some tissues and wiped himself and Roxas up, which made Roxas smile.

Tissues were thrown in the trash and Terra made to get up.

“Can we lay here for a bit?” Roxas asked, not sure what he was after.

“I was going to get our clothes. We’re going to get cold.”

“Hop under the blanket?”

Terra’s brows narrowed. He looked over his shoulder at the room and some cast-away clothes and then back at Roxas. He knelt down and they huddled under the blanket and shared the pillow and body heat, staring up at the ceiling.

Their limbs brushed together. Roxas wanted to lay his head on Terra’s chest and listen to his heartbeat while he wished he was lying next to a redhead.

“I’m sorry, Roxas.”

Roxas remained silent for a while thinking about how he felt in regard to this situation. He had often imagined being with Axel when he had been with Vanitas. He had imagined Axel while he had been with Zack. But… Ventus _looked_ like him. It was disturbing and uncomfortable. Aqua’s mysterious words made sudden bitter sense. He tried to say as gently as possible, “Do you like me _at all_ or am I just… a substitute? A puppet for you to project on?”

“No.” Terra’s head snapped toward Roxas, looking at him with concern. “Roxas, no. I like you. I wouldn’t have… done this with you if I didn’t like you.”

The burning abrasion on Roxas’ ego soothed a little bit. “Okay,” he said quietly. “How long have you liked Ven for?”

Terra clenched his jaw and looked back up at the ceiling. He seemed deep in thought for a while before he said, “It’s… complicated. I don’t… like him like _that.”_

“Sure,” Roxas drawled. “That’s why you said his name in the middle of sex with someone else.”

“Sorry. You just… you said something that reminded me of him.”

They shared a look. Roxas huffed out some disbelieving air.

Terra’s lips drew into a thin line and he cast his eyes back up at the ceiling. “I’ve known him since he was fifteen. He had just moved to Pensacola and didn’t know anyone, but he liked martial arts. He joined the Dojo Aqua and I went to and we became fast friends. We trained and hung out a lot together. He’s three years younger than us but that didn’t matter. We got on really well together and helped him a lot with his homework and stuff like that. He struggled in school, but in the dojo he was amazing. He’s such a fast learner and can grasp the techniques really quickly. He kept me on my toes and made me train harder as well.” Terra smiled fondly. 

“Aqua, Ven and I were the best of friends for years, but… then Master Eraqus saw my leadership capabilities through the way I practiced with Ventus, and he wanted to train me up to become an instructor and a first Dan. I thought it was an incredible opportunity and I took my role very seriously. But it changed everything between us. Though…” he sighed heavily, “maybe it was just me who had changed by then. I really admired him. He trained me as much as I trained him, though he never saw it. He always idolized me. Him calling me Itō Sensei always unnerved me. And… the more I think about it, the more I feel like I kept him at arm’s length because I was uncomfortable with myself and my feelings for him. So…. I guess to answer your question? I’ve liked him ever since I met him. That’s nine years. Nine long years.”

“Why have you never asked him out?”

“I’ve been fighting my attraction for him for the last five years. That homophobia I told you about, I think I did irreparable damage to any relationship I could ever have dreamed of having with him.”

“Why do you say that? What did you _do?”_ Roxas asked with growing worry.

Terra’s sigh only helped to unsettle Roxas further. “He came to me about all sorts of things. He trusted me the most. He once talked to me about the idea of liking guys and wanted to know what I thought of it. I… I was disgusting. I said awful things, and I guess it was because I felt those things about myself?” Terra rubbed at his face and groaned. “He never talked to me about anything like that ever since. I think he started dating a girl shortly after that, actually. And that was right around the time I took the instructor role at the Dojo.”

Roxas felt sad for Terra. “And you still like him?”

“More than ever,” Terra said with a heavy heart. “I just had sex with a guy and… it was great. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe what I was so hung up about for all those years.”

Roxas smiled. “Great, was it?”

Terra smiled at him. “Thank you, Roxas. Though…” the smile fell away, “it’s too little too late. I needed to get over myself years ago. I’ve messed up and it’s all no use.”

“What’re you saying? You still see Ven like twice a year, right? You go to that tournament thing.”

“Yes. So?”

 _“So?_ You can talk to him then.”

“And say what? ‘Hey Ventus, remember how I used to tell you how fags were disgusting? Well, guess what, I’m one. Please, be with me.’”

Roxas made a disgusted face.

“Sorry.”

Roxas hummed. “Maybe more like, ‘Hi, Ventus. I’ve missed you and been thinking about you. I’m so happy to see you again. I’d really like to take you out for dinner after the tournament is over so we can catch up on each other’s lives. I have so much to tell you about this life-changing sexual experience I had with a great guy, who kind of looks like you, but isn’t, and I’d like to show you what I’ve learned.’” Roxas giggles as he finished. “Maybe not _exactly_ like that, but you get it, right?”

Terra looked gravely serious still. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I… it doesn’t matter. He’ll only ever see me as his friend and once-upon-a-time instructor.” The defeat was rife in his voice.

“You should still ask him out. He might surprise you.”

“He’s not gay,” Terra almost snapped.

“How do you know?”

“He’s just not.”

“How do you know?” Roxas pressed.

Terra gave him a strong, silent glare.

Roxas sighed, flung the blanket aside and got up.

“Where’re you going? I haven’t offended you, have I?”

“No. I’m just finding my pants. I need to show you something.” Roxas walked around, found his discarded pants and underwear, pulling them on because parading himself naked before a friend felt strange to him. He picked up Terra’s jeans on the way and threw them at him, so the other man wouldn’t feel uncomfortable being the only naked guy in the room.

Roxas flopped down on the futon, sitting cross-legged and flicked through his phone while he caught sight of Terra pulling on his jeans. Roxas lamented seeing the last of Terra’s cock but quickly refocused.

“Look—” He held his phone out to Terra. “See these two guys?

“Yes.” Terra sat down next to Roxas.

“Do they look happy and in love?”

“Yes? _And?”_

 _“And?_ This is my friend, Zack, here,” he pointed, “He’s the guy I had a one-night stand with. I met him in a bar because he was completely devastated that his best friend was straight, dating some woman. He was _convinced_ that Cloud would never see him in a different light. You wanna guess who the guy next to him is?” Roxas barely managed to keep the grin off his face.

“His… best friend?”

“Bingo! Four months ago, Zack had no hope but now here they are, boyfriends.”

Terra’s eyes widened. He pulled Roxas’ hand closer so he could see the photo better.

Zack had been keeping Roxas updated on his pining situation. Things had moved really fast – or maybe Zack had just been really determined – but Roxas had received the happy news via this photograph only two weeks ago.

“You slept with _that_ guy? Wow.”

Roxas laughed. “Nice one, Terra. Embracing your gay.” He gently punched the man in the shoulder.

Terra gave an abashed smile. “Things seem easier now after admitting it to someone else and… doing the deed. I don’t know what I was so hung up about.”

“Well, you’re hung up about your friend. I can see how it might be easier to just pretend that you don’t like him because he’s a guy and you’re straight.”

“Do you think that was what went on?”

“To some extent maybe. But anyway, don’t tell me you think Ventus is straight just because you think he is. And because you _think_ he dated a girl once when you two had a falling out.”

Terra let go of Roxas’ hand and Roxas returned the phone to his pocket. Doubt worried Terra’s brow. “Even if he _is_ like you say he is… everything’s been different ever since I started liking him. I can’t talk to him, can’t look at him unless I’m instructing him. It’s been so awkward the last three years seeing him at the tournament. I swear he must think I hate him or something.”

“Then you need to change that. Don’t let it get worse.”

“I don’t know how.”

They sat in silence for a while before Roxas said, “Well… I look like him, so… maybe you could practice on me?”

“Practice… on _you?_ Practice _what_ exactly?” Terra turned a little red.

“Talking to him. Telling him the things you need to say. Rehearse your speech. Hold his hand. I can do that for you.”

“Why would you do that?”

Roxas pressed his lips into a thin line and breathed deeply for a bit. “Because… honestly… I’m lonely. It would be nice to pretend like someone actually likes me.”

 _“Roxas,”_ Terra reprimanded gently. “I _do_ like you. Aqua likes you too.”

“But you know… _like_ like. I miss Axel. When I’m with you, it’s not so bad. I also really liked having sex with you. And maybe I’m selfish right now but… I’d like to have more sex. I’m _really_ lonely. Horny. Whatever you wanna call it.” There was something empowering about admitting it and the fact that they just had sex made it easier to say as well.

“You… want to keep having sex… with _me?”_

“Yeah. When you woo Ventus don’t you want to be amazing in bed? Don’t you want to give him incredible head? What if he wants to fuck you in the ass? Would you let him?”

Terra’s eyes were wide.

“Sorry. I think I’m way too horny right now for some reason.” Roxas hunched in on himself wondering what this giddy rush in his body was about.

“N-no. It’s okay. I… actually worried about that too. If I ever had the chance to date him… I don’t want to come across like I know nothing. I want to… show him an incredible time. I… want to be able to talk to him, hold his hand in public. Be more comfortable in my own skin. Come out to friends. If you could help me with that… I’d appreciate it.”

“Really?”

Terra nodded. “Is that strange?”

Roxas smiled broadly. “Strange? I don’t think so. I think it’s cool. Yeah. I’ll help coach you through talking with Ven. Practice making you comfortable with displays of affection in public and… well… the sex.” Roxas’ good cheer fell a bit. “Um… Terra…”

“Yes?”

“In the future… can we… please don’t pretend I’m Ven.” Roxas looked at his knees. “I’ve had my fair share of pretending to be with someone else in my life with my ex. I totally get it but… if we end up doing stuff together, I want to know you are with me. And I’ll do the same. I won’t pretend you’re someone else.”

Terra frowned, wearing his very serious face. “You have my word.”

A relieved grin bloomed on Roxas’ face and he leaned over, hugging Terra, who returned the hold.

“So how long have we got until you see Ventus again?” Roxas asked, pulling out of the hug reluctantly.

“Mid-January is the next meet-up.”

“Oh, cool. So, a little over two months to coach you.”

Terra hummed and nodded. “Roxas.”

“Yeah?”

“Could I ask you to come with me to Portland?”

Roxas’ grin somehow got wider. “I get a chance to meet Ven?”

Terra nodded.

“Hell yes! Count me in.”

So, it was arranged that Roxas would go with Terra to Portland in mid-January. And before Roxas left Terra’s apartment, he snapped a photo of himself together with Terra and sent it to Hayner with a bunch of eggplant emojis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho boi! I hope you guys can get behind Roxas getting some _relatively_ baggage-free fucking in. This was one of the major rewrites I had to get done. Poor Roxas deserves some happiness after all the terrible things that have happened to him (for which I am not responsible). This Terra/Roxas thing was really good to explore and I really love them together. Roxy needs some sexual healing 😉 But it is just a side-ship, so no worries. AkuRoku is endgame,
> 
> I also really love Hayner and Roxas' relationship, but that could just be me, though 😅


	30. Sickening Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas is getting comfortable with Terra and their arrangement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added more tags to the story after the previous chapter. I hoped the Terra stuff was foreseeable and not heinously offensive to anyone. We're all here for the AkuRoku. It's just going to take some more time before we can get there.
> 
> Also I changed the summary of the fic. Is it better? Lemme know. Summaries are tough 😩
> 
> Explicit content below

It took several days before it properly sank in for Roxas that he had a friend-with-benefits deal going on with Terra. He re-entered life with his friends, hung out with Aqua, Terra, Shiki, and Dee at uni, and went back to studying at Terra’s place like nothing had ever happened or changed. But things _had_ changed, and the times Aqua wasn’t around were when Roxas noticed the changes the most. At uni, Terra sometimes held Roxas’ hand as they walked. Roxas sometimes pulled Terra into a secluded corner and prompted Terra to confess his feelings to him playing the role of Ventus. And on rare occasions, when Roxas felt like being a complete asshole, he finished those conversations with a quick, public peck to the cheek or lips. He cracked up laughing every time over the mortified look that sprung onto Terra’s face.

“I’m gonna keep doing that until you don’t look like that anymore,” he wheezed.

Yet the best things were the blowjob breaks when Aqua wasn’t around.

It started innocently enough one day at Terra’s apartment. Roxas dropped something and crawled under the desk to fetch it when he realized that he was fed up and needed a break. He saw Terra’s crotch and wondered if he could make Terra scream, so he crawled over and rubbed the man’s thighs.

Terra pushed his chair back from the desk and looked down toward Roxas, who crawled out from under the desk to stay close to him.

“What’re you doing?”

“Having a break. Do you want one?” He slid his hand up toward Terra’s groin. It tickled Roxas how red Terra got.

“I… we… finals will be here before you know it. Do we have time for this?”

“It wouldn’t take any longer than a normal break. It’ll be really quick. I’ll make you cum in five minutes or less,” he grinned up.

Terra gasped in shock and feigned upset. “I can hold it for longer than that, thank you very much.”

“Wanna bet?”

Terra’s stoic mask replaced the flustered wide eyes. “I’m not a betting man, but I know I can hold out.”

Roxas let the shit-eating-grin spread across his face. “Sure. If I win, you do me.”

Terra clenched his jaw. “Deal.”

With giddy excitement, Roxas pushed Terra’s thighs apart, sidled in close and palmed the man’s flaccid penis. He massaged and fondled as he undid Terra’s pants and freed the sought-after appendage. He looked up at Terra, took his penis into his mouth and sighed out pleasingly while sucking on the slightly salty flesh.

Terra watched on and his chest heaved with desire as Roxas hummed, working the cock with his tongue and gradually slid it further down his throat. Roxas _loved_ the feel of Terra getting hard in his mouth and sucked fiercely.

Terra threaded his fingers into Roxas’ hair and after a few bobs of Roxas’ head, began actively maneuvering and guiding Roxas up and down himself. Terra's enjoyment grew Roxas' own. He rubbed Terra’s head along the roof of his mouth, he sucked and kissed the tender flesh around the rim, rubbed his lips, flicked his tongue, and gently scraped his teeth against Terra’s arousal. He had done this so many times to Vanitas, _and_ Axel. He knew he was good at it, but it was nice to have this fact reaffirmed as Terra melted and succumbed to his orgasm, spilling into his mouth with a hard grunt.

Roxas swallowed him down with great satisfaction and then pulled off with an audible _‘pop._ ’ He sat back slightly, licking his lips.

“That couldn’t have been more than three minutes. Your turn,” he gleefully chirped, loving how unencumbered he felt with doing sexual things to someone else. He didn’t feel like he owed Terra anything; didn’t feel like he needed to give his all to make someone else exclusively happy. There was nothing riding on this. He could be free and have fun as long as Terra was a willing participant. It was the best feeling. Roxas crawled back under the desk to his seat, which he took after swiveling the heavy chair around to face out from the table.

Terra stared with his mouth gaping a little but tucked himself back in and moved after a few blinks, settling in between Roxas’ legs. Roxas smiled down at him and watched the other man gingerly unbutton and unzip him.

“I’ll be terrible at this. I don’t think I’ll be able to swallow.”

“That’s okay. Do what you’re comfortable with. This is about getting you acclimated.” He smiled softly. “You can always say no, too. Don’t feel like you have to.”

“No. I’m a man of my word.” Terra looked stern but then gulped and gingerly pulled Roxas’ hardening shaft out of its confines. He leaned in, hesitantly— _comically_ —sticking his tongue out and running the tip over Roxas’ slit and head.

Roxas giggled, completely delighted, and in the back of his mind, irritated at Vanitas for always having had a stick shoved up his ass. If Terra could do this, why had Vanitas always made such a big fuss about— _“Oh,”_ he moaned as Terra engulfed his head with his mouth and sucked.

Roxas panted and leaned his head back a bit. He played with Terra’s hair while the other man pulled off and swallowed him back down to about mid-shaft.

It was sloppy and Roxas thought he would need a few things so he could cum without wasting too much time, but suddenly felt nervous about asking for them. Terra was so nice to him. Roxas really liked him, wherein lay the problem. He feared giving instructions but kicked himself because this was for Terra’s benefit.

“Can you flick your tongue and rub a bit more? Maybe…” the knot in Roxas’ stomach tightened to an uncomfortable degree, “use your hands as well? Give me a squeeze and rub?”

Terra hummed in acknowledgment and tongued and sucked on Roxas’ head while massaging the base of his shaft. A squeak of pleasure left Roxas and a tingling sensation grew in his groin. That hadn’t been bad at all and the pleasure he received for it relaxed him further.

Terra kept going. Roxas said a few more things: for Terra to switch it up a little, to moan around his cock, to do it louder, louder, _louder_. Roxas creamed himself and Terra gagged, leaving a mess on the floor and on Roxas’ pants, for which he apologized profusely.

Roxas gave Terra a reassuring pat and told him they’d work on it, and after they both cleaned up the mess, went back to studying with a refreshed spirit and soft smiles on their faces.

* * *

 

Over the weeks, they got comfortable with each other and their blowjob routine. Roxas also continued to give Terra pep-talks and forced him into rehearsing various speeches to give to Ventus at random times. Roxas really enjoyed the handholding and wondered what would happen if he paraded Terra in like that to the bookshop and Axel saw. He really contemplated trying to make Axel jealous but decided against it every time. He didn’t want Axel to get mad at him or something, because things between them – aside for the Riku thing – were really good.

They texted each other. Roxas sent photos of phallic-looking flower arrangements he saw or created (just for a good laugh), and Axel kept sending him photos of Cheshire doing various things; eating at the dining table with a knife and fork, using the toilet, wearing some clothes Roxas had left behind, wearing Axel’s clothes, and one of Cheshire seated on top of Axel, who pretended to be dead and stabbed with a spoon.

Those photos were the sweetest pain and Roxas looked at them fondly most nights as he drifted off to sleep.

The days got shorter and colder and the workload more intense. Roxas, regrettably, cut back on his volunteer work, because the pressure from university coupled with Aerith’s demand on his time left little opportunity to be as active or helpful at the shelter as he wanted to be. He felt bad about the whole thing and tried to offset his guilt by buying as much cat and dog food as he could afford and took it to the shelter on the day of his hiatus from the post. After the goodbye’s, he took the one bag of cat food he had kept for himself to Axel’s place, as he was sure he would be out of cat food soon.

As he was buzzed in by Isabelle and took the elevator up, a dense feeling of loneliness and regret came over him. He thought of Cheshire; how mangey and unloved she had been when he adopted her. He felt terrible for not being able to help more cats. He felt scummy for abandoning his post. He missed his cat fiercely and decided that he wanted to see her. He had been avoiding setting foot in Axel’s apartment at all costs, but now he cracked. He figured it was late enough on a Thursday afternoon for Axel to be at work, so there wasn’t any harm in going to Isabelle’s, fetching the key, and letting himself in.

So, he did just that.

On entering the apartment, he dropped the bag of food by the door and looked around himself for his cat. The fading daylight streamed in from the uncovered window and all else was still and quiet. A stuffy rankness burned Roxas’ nose, and he eyed the heaped mess on the dining table. A little bell jingled and Cheshire came running, drawing Roxas’ attention onto her as she bounded on him. Roxas sank down and cuddled her with delight, rubbing his face against her soft fur.

The sound of a door opening drew Roxas’ attention away from his cat. He caught sight of a red streak dashing from the bedroom to the bathroom. The door remained wide open and Roxas heard retching and the sound of water splashing. He stood up and took a few steps toward the couch to get a better view of the bathroom where he caught sight of Axel, wearing sleeping clothes, kneeling and hugging the toilet. The man retched again with a guttural and disgusting sound.

Roxas dropped his cat gently and went to the kitchen to get Axel a glass of water. This room, much like the dining table, was a mess. Empty food wrappers were strewn about the place, dirty dishes (mainly cups and mugs) were piled in and around the sink. He found one clean glass and filled it with water from the tap and with one final disgusted glance at the kitchen, turned and went back to the main living area, where he heard a loud groan and then the toilet flushed.

Axel stumbled out looking completely disheveled – his hair a mess, his sleeping clothes askew, and skin pale with a pasty sheen.

“Hey, Ax.”

Axel yelped and jumped back. “Roxas? What’re you doing here?” he croaked, looking Roxas over as if unable to believe his eyes.

“I brought more food for Cheshire and let myself in. What happened to your kitchen? It’s a mess!” As an afterthought, he added, “How long have you been sick for?”

Axel let out a chesty cough and supported himself with one hand on the doorframe of the bathroom as he pulled a face. “God, Rox, I’m not sick. ‘M _dying_ , _”_ he bemoaned, sounding congested.

Roxas held out the glass. “Here.”

Axel took it with a groan and gulped some of it down before he shuffled, with a sunken head, back to his darkened bedroom.

Roxas followed, the rank stench growing stronger, but it didn’t deter him. Axel set the glass down and crawled under the covers of his bed. Roxas sat himself down on the edge.

“When did you get sick?” he prompted again, dreading the thought that Axel had been feeling this way for a long while, judging by the mess in the kitchen, which spilled out to other areas.

“Dying!” Axel corrected.

 _“Dying,”_ Roxas redressed in a sarcastic drawl.

“I woke up today feeling like shit ‘n’ literally nearly shittin’ myself. I’m fucking freezing, puking, shitting. My nose is all stuffed up. Fuck me, Rox. I’m so gross. Imma be dead by morning,” Axel groaned.

Roxas leaned over and felt Axel’s clammy forehead. Axel, limp-wristed, tried to push Roxas’ hand away. “Don’t touch me. I’m _diseased._ I don’t want you to die too.”

“You don’t have the black plague, Axel,” Roxas chastised gently, Axel’s adorable patheticness lighting a smile on his face.

“I got somethin’, babe. Don’t. Don’t touch me. I need to be quarantined. I can’t make you sick. You got finals ‘n’ shit comin’ up. You got your life to live ‘n’ a bright future designing killer clothes ahead of yourself.” Axel pulled the blanket over his head and coughed like he was hacking up a lung. “Go home, Rox. Leave me, but please, come to my funeral and say a few nice things.”

Roxas huffed out a small laugh. “Here lies Axel, a drama queen to the bitter end.”

“Rip, me,” Axel whined, poking his head back out from under the blanket.

“I’m sure you’re not contagious. It’s probably food poisoning or stomach flu or something. What did you eat yesterday?”

“Pizza.”

“How old was the pizza?” Roxas asked, suspicious.

“Dunno.”

“Oh my God, Axel. Was it your _cat_ pizza?” Roxas pulled his phone out and quickly found the picture Axel had sent him of the cat-shaped pizza he had made.

* * *

message header: **Roxas**  
  
  
What did you make?  
  
[](https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/cream_pudding/85664218/3528/3528_900.png)  
What the hell is that? 😱  
  
Cheshy-Pizza 😹😻  


* * *

“Maybe it was the tail?”

“That was _two weeks ago!_ ” Roxas stressed, scrolling up to check the date he had received it, just to be sure. “Why’d you eat it?”

“Pizza Chesh was too precious to throw out.”

 _“Axel,”_ Roxas said with exasperation.

“Pizza can’t go off. It’s magical.”

“Oh my God.” Roxas held his head. “You are so dumb. You can’t even look after yourself.”

Axel whimpered. “I feel like a truck’s smashed into me.”

“You want me to call a doctor? I can call a cab for you, take you to see someone, get you some medicine.”

Axel only moaned as a way of reply.

Roxas frowned. “Drink water. Have you tried eating anything? You need to keep up your strength.”

“Pizza.”

Roxas groaned. “I’m changing my eulogy: _Here lies Axel, a total dumb shit. He will be sorely missed._ How did you make it to live to twenty-seven?"

“Luck ‘n’ charm, ‘n’ pure... nnngh, _God!”_ Axel threw the blanket aside and ran out of the room.

Roxas watched Axel disappear and heard the retching. He shook his head and his heart went out to Axel. He got up and headed out, glancing at the puking man as he passed the bathroom, on his way to the kitchen. Once there, he opened the fridge and stared at the boxes and _boxes_ of takeaway containers, a lot of them still full. He closed the fridge, found a heavy-duty bin liner and returned to the fridge, completely emptying it out and getting rid of anything that looked vaguely like being past the best before date. He found and definitely tossed out the bits of cat pizza that remained in a food storage container.

“You have _so much_ food in here and yet you decided to eat the _pizza?_ Ax!” He groaned with frustration. “The cheese is _blue_ and furry. Why the hell did you think it was a good idea to eat that?” Roxas yelled when he heard the toilet flush and tossed the container next to the sink since it wouldn’t fit _in_ it. There came the sound of water running and gargling. Roxas stared at the sink again, bewildered at the mess.

“Cheese doesn’t go off. It ages,” Axel’s weak voice came from behind.

Roxas turned, looking at Axel leaning against the corner wall at the mouth of the kitchen. He gave the other man an incredulous shake of the head. “You can’t really be that _dumb_ , Ax. I’ve thrown all the food out.”

Axel groaned. “‘M goin’ back to bed.”

“You want me to do anything for you? Medicine? You want me to keep you company?” He followed Axel to his bedroom again, wanting to be helpful in some way.

“Nah, you don’t have to stay. Riku will come around in the evening. I know you’re busy.” Axel crawled under the sheets.

Roxas sat back down on the bed. “I could hang around for a while until Riku comes over. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.” He rubbed Axel’s side. He didn’t want to leave Axel like this, and in part, he also really missed being with him, sick or not.

Axel pulled his arm out from under the blanket and took up Roxas’ hand. “Well… if you insist… maybe you _could_ stay? I don’t like feeling this shit and being all alone.”

Roxas squeezed Axel’s hand and smiled at him. “Okay. Ah… can you just… let Riku know I’ll be here to look after you?” He added as an afterthought. It was the right thing to do. He didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes or get Axel into trouble.

Axel gave a weak nod.

“I’ll run down to the drug store and get you some stuff. I’ll be back soon and then I’ll clean up around here for you.”

“What'd I do to deserve you? You’re an angel.”

Roxas gave Axel’s hand another squeeze and left.  


* * *

 

Roxas returned after twenty minutes with a bag of gastro pills, a box of hydrating powder satchels, and some basic grocery staples. The sun set and he drew the curtains closed and turned on the living room lights. He found Axel asleep, so he busied himself doing the dishes and collecting all food wrappers, used tissues, and any other garbage in the various rooms to toss out. He stored the cat food he had brought with him and then headed to the bathroom, which he cleaned and sprayed with half a can of air freshener. By the time he was done sorting the laundry into colored and whites, Axel woke up again… and barfed on the tiled floor of the freshly cleaned bathroom, not making it to the toilet in time. He apologized to Roxas, who wiped up the biley mess while trying hard not to throw up himself.

“You owe me,” was all Roxas said. He got Axel to lay down on the couch while he aired out Axel’s bedroom, changed the sheets and brought Axel a glass of water with the mixed in electrolyte powder and the gastro pills on the side.

Roxas made some soup and while he waited for the broth to simmer, he went to sit with Axel on the couch. He put on the new season of Fabulous Threads and threw down an extra blanket over Axel as the man snuggled down with his head in Roxas’ lap. They watched the show and Axel slipped in and out of consciousness. He got up to puke his guts out and to empty his bowels occasionally and Roxas gave him a refill of the hydrating drink to sip on, on his return.

They had the soup as their dinner by about seven that evening. Axel praised the deliciousness and curled back up on the couch while Roxas did the dishes and packed away the things that were now dry. He came back to the couch, Axel moved and Roxas sat down so they both could resume their positions like before. They watched the programming in silence for a while before Axel asked, “Why are you here? Isn’t it Thursday? Don’t you have those cute animals to feed at this time of night?”

It warmed Roxas that Axel remembered. “Normally, yes. But I’m taking a break from volunteering. I’ve got so much work to do to prepare for finals. I thought it better to just put that on hold.”

“Really? But you _love_ looking after the animals.”

“Yeah. I… feel pretty bad about it, actually,” he muttered. 

"No, don't feel bad. Tell me about it so you don't feel so bad," Axel encouraged, rubbing Roxas' thigh affectionately.

Roxas looked down at the mop of red hair. He loved this so much—loved being with Axel and Axel caring about him despite his own sickness. “I keep thinking about the animals and how I'm failing them. I overcompensated today and spent way too much money on food for them. I had one bag of dried food left over that I saved for Cheshire,” he looked over toward the curtained window and at the climbing tree Cheshire snoozed on.

“Sorry to hear that you feel that way, babe. I’m really glad you’re here with me though.” Axel nuzzled into Roxas.

Roxas smiled and his heart felt too big for his chest for a moment. He gently raked his fingers through Axel’s hair. “I’m glad too,” he said quietly. They watched the television in comfortable silence. Roxas kept stroking Axel’s hair, fondling the strands and spikes and rubbing his fingertips against the man’s scalp.

His mind wandered to the animals at the shelter, making him sigh. “I wish I didn’t have to stop going there. I feel selfish. Winter is always the hardest for shelters. I heard Merida and Cath talking about how it gets _reall_ y cold. Running the heating all the time is expensive. I wish I could help. I want to try and organize a blanket drive, but I have so little time as it is. I hope having full bellies will keep the cats and dogs warm. It’s the absolute least I can do.”

Axel turned his head a little, drawing Roxas’ eyes down toward him.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not like the shelter won’t run without you. It’s not like you not being there is a death sentence for the animals. They have other people to look after them so don't think you're a failure because you're looking after yourself. You're the complete opposite. You see when you need to step back and get yourself right. I'm proud of you for making that big and difficult call.” Axel held Roxas' gaze for a moment. 

Roxas, speechless, stared back, his heart overflowing with appreciation for the pep-talk.

Axel looked back at the television. “You're _not_ solely responsible for them. Cut yourself some slack."

“Yeah, I know but…” Roxas sighed.

“They’ll be okay, Rox. You gave them a bunch of food. I’m sure they’ll be happy about that, and that it’s helped a lot already to keep costs down so they can run the heating for a bit longer.” Axel squeezed Roxas’ thigh with his hand.

“Thank you,” Roxas smiled down but sadness still sat in his soul.

“You care so much. I love that about you,” Axel murmured. “You care enough to waste your time on me like this. You help cute little animals. You’re such an amazing pillow.” Axel sighed and pressed his back closer against the couch and his head firmer into Roxas’ lap.

Roxas kept stroking Axel’s hair and time passed. He half paid attention to the show and half paid attention to the quiet joy which bubbled up over being this way with Axel right now – even if the man was sick as a dog – even if things felt devastatingly unfair that they couldn’t have this _all the time_.

It was a little after eight when Roxas asked, “When is Riku supposed to be coming over?”

“Maybe another hour and a half? Do you need to go?”

“I can stay until he gets here.”

“Thank you.”

They changed programming, Axel decided to have a shower and brush his teeth to feel more human, and Roxas turned off the big overhead light and turned on a lamp instead. He texted Kairi, informing her he was looking after Axel while the man was sick and waiting for his boyfriend to come over.

Roxas hated reminding himself that Axel had a boyfriend.

Axel returned to cradle his head in Roxas’ lap and Cheshire cuddled in next to Axel. Roxas put on a movie and found himself in heaven, stroking Axel gently and savoring the passing minutes.

After some time, he wondered if Axel had fallen asleep again. There was no movement from him, no chuckling, no talking. But then—

“You know… I’m not really one hundred percent dumb. Maybe more like eighty percent.”

“How do you figure that?”

“I made myself sick on purpose,” Axel murmured.

 _“On purpose?”_ Roxas looked down at the redhead in his lap.

“Yeah.” Axel sighed heavily. “Riku wanted me to take today off to go with him to some sponsorship deal he’s closing for the bookshop. He’s there right now, having dinner with some big-wigs.”

“You passed up a dinner and put yourself through _this_ hell? Why? Is this _really_ worth it?”

“Maybe not. I didn’t think I’d be this bad. I wasn’t even wanting to _actually_ get sick. Maybe just ham up these sniffles I’ve had for the last few days.”

“You’ve been sick before this?”

“Yeah.” Axel sniffed, and it sounded very juicy. Roxas reached over to the coffee table, pulled out a couple of tissues from the box and offered them to Axel, who took them and blew his nose vigorously before continuing, “Thanks. Marly’s been hounding me the last two weeks. There’s a bunch of massive events in December – Christmas functions for important people – and he needs me around and I just haven’t had time or energy for much of anything else. You believe stress can make you sick?” Axel threw Roxas a look.

“Yeah… stress will definitely not help you get better. Have you been looking after yourself?”

Axel hummed. “Define ‘looking after.’ I shower and sleep and look after Cheshire and not much else really. Cooking and even just ordering food is… hard work. I tried ordering, but by the time it gets here, I’m passed out. I end up finding the cold containers outside my door if Isabelle let them in, and then I put that in the fridge and hope I’ll get around to eating it the next day or eat it for breakfast.” Axel sounded weary. “Maybe if I could beat this cold, I might have more energy after work to stay awake to eat the food when it arrives, but this shit’s just knocked me for six – or whatever that phrase is Lucy uses. ‘N’ I’ve been blowing Riku off ‘cause I’ve been so busy, and he gets offended and I didn’t wanna start another argument.”

Roxas frowned down at Axel’s profile. He felt so bad for the other man and wished he could make it better somehow. "Why's this the first I'm hearing about any of this?"

Axel groaned. “I’m sorry, Rox. I didn’t and _don't_ want to burden you with all my shit.”

“No, it’s okay, really. You can talk to me. This is us being friends, right? I want to know how you're doing.” He smiled down at Axel when their eyes met.

Axel’s gaze lowered. “Yeah. I guess… I just… I worry about making you worry about me. You could be at your friends or home, studying right now. I don't wanna keep you."

Roxas wished Axel _would_ just keep him—he told himself he needed to stop thinking these sort of things. It would just make him sadder. "I'd rather you tell me things and then I can decide how much I want to worry."

Axel hummed. "Yeah, guess you're right."

"So, you want to talk?"

"Do you want to listen? It's a lot of Riku stuff and I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to be talking about with you."

Roxas frowned a bit. "Yeah, it's fine."

Axel remained quiet for a little bit before he said, "Work's been tough. It's been monopolizing my time. Riku gets upset about that sometimes, especially when I make plans with him but they fall through because I need to stay back to sort out a mess at the club or something. I've been promising him that I'd come along to this dinner for two weeks now but… when I got home last night I just couldn't face it. I'm completely fucking bushed. I couldn't stand the thought of going but also didn’t want to make another excuse or give an apology for putting my work first or for letting him down. I know that I gotta make more of an effort for him, but… I’m just fucking dead. I’m exhausted _all_ the _time_. I just need sleep… and quiet.”

Roxas' heart went out to Axel. “Are you feeling okay? This sort of sounds more than just being overworked.”

Axel stayed quiet for a while, watching the TV and rubbing Roxas’ thigh a little with his fingertips, but then, eventually, he ventured, “Like depression, ‘n’ shit?”

“Yeah, like depression ‘n’ shit.”

“I don’t have anything to be depressed about. Life is good. You 'n' me are… well we're good, right?"

Roxas nodded and gave a small smile, though he wasn't sure where his heart sat on that exactly.

Axel hummed. "Work is good too. Just stressful right now—just a lot of things going on. Riku’s good when I'm not causing him a headache. I just need to make more time for him. I’m sure I’ll be fine." Some energy returned to Axel's voice as he said, "I’m feeling less sick since you’ve been looking after me. Haven’t even puked or shat myself in the last hour or so. I’m sure this stomach thing will go away by tomorrow, and this flu thing will go away in a few more days and then I’ll be okay again.”

“You sure?” Roxas muttered with concern for Axel. “You should go see a doctor.”

“Who’s got the time.”

“You _make_ time, Ax. Some things are important.”

Axel turned his head and gazed up at Roxas, while Roxas brushed errant strands of hair out of Axel’s face. They looked at each other for a while and it made Roxas uncomfortably hot. He didn’t know what to make of the feelings inside himself. He was supposed to be _friends_ with Axel. _Friends_ didn’t feel these things. He just gave a sad smile, and Axel returned a small one of his own. They went back to watching TV. Axel kept dozing and at about ten o'clock, the door opened. Roxas’ heart sank just knowing that Riku had a key.

Riku entered and saw Roxas sitting with Axel’s head in his lap. Roxas retracted his hand from Axel’s hair immediately. Riku walked toward them with a quiet, “Hey,” and put the bag he carried down on the dining table as he walked past.

“How is he?” Riku asked of Roxas, kneeling down before them. “Hey, you big baby,” he said gently as Axel stirred, kissing the man’s forehead.

“He’s been improving in the last few hours. I’ve been keeping him hydrated and he had some soup. There’s more in the fridge and I emptied out all the bad food.”

“Thank you, Roxas,” Riku said, without looking up.

“Riku,” Axel murmured sleepily and stirred a little.

Riku wrapped his arms around Axel and pulled him up. “Let me get you to bed. Thanks again for all your help, Roxas.”

“No problem.” Roxas’ heart ached as he watched Axel stand up and slowly be walked over to the bedroom.

“I’ll see myself out,” Roxas said.

Axel turned around. “Thanks so much, buddy. Can I get a hug?”

Roxas startled at that. He looked at Riku, who didn’t look pissed off for once. He even _smiled_ a little. So Roxas got up, his legs stiff from sitting so long with the heavy weight of Axel’s head on him.

He got close enough for Axel to pull him into a hug. Roxas hugged back tightly and heard the whispered, “Thank you, my gorgeous angel.”

He wanted to melt into Axel’s touch and hear more delightfully painful words of affection. But he pulled away, which made him hurt all the worse. “Get some sleep. I hope you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

 _“Thank you.”_  


_“Thank you, Rox.”_  


The two men said simultaneously.

Roxas gave his cat a fond snuggle before he left, returning the keys to Isabelle, and headed home, while he tried to mentally hold on to the feel of Axel against his body.

* * *

 

Roxas checked in with Axel the next day over the phone. He said he was feeling better and thanked Roxas for being there. Roxas refrained from checking in _too_ frequently, limiting himself to one text a day and one call every week because he could feel himself readily slipping down the path of making everything about Axel once more if he didn’t watch out. Thankfully, he had work and his studies to keep him from worrying and fantasizing too much. He also had Terra, but the days that followed him looking after Axel left him completely devoid of any urge to give or receive any sexual favors. His libido just completely dried up.

He longed for quiet moments on the couch, holding hands, rubbing each other. He missed soft touches and the presence of someone who felt strongly for him, and who Roxas could feel strongly for in return. He missed having a boyfriend, and all the self-dates he took himself on were but a faint lick of candlelight against the blazing sunshine of actually being in love with someone. He tried not to dwell on these feelings and thoughts, but it was hard and made him blue.

Thursday came around, a week since he had been with Axel. As Roxas made his way home in the cold November air, he contemplated going over to Axel’s, just to check the state of his kitchen. Axel had assured him that he was making time to eat and said his ‘disease,’ as he called it, improved daily. Roxas still wanted to have a look and wanted to be in the man’s space until he came home and then… Roxas shook his head out of those thoughts and went on with the aim to get home and study. Yet as he trudged through the streets to his bus stop, and as he stood flexing his fingers in his coat’s pocket, he worried and fretted and got on a different bus to take him toward the animal shelter. He stopped by a department store where he bought as many towels and thin blankets as seemed reasonable and resumed his journey to the shelter.

“Roxas, I’m surprised to see you,” said Merida, her fiery hair even wilder than usual and her cheeks ruddy from exertion. “Usually when people say they need to stop coming in, they don’t come back the next week.”

“I just came by to drop something off. What’s going on?” Roxas looked at the boxes stacked up in the reception area and at several of the familiar volunteers milling about, moving said boxes.

“We just had a huge donation of blankets delivered,” Merida informed, walking over to him.

“A donation of blankets?”

She nodded. “A gentleman called up saying he would like to donate some blankets to the shelter and then this truck arrived with fifteen boxes, all full.”

“There must have been a local drive or something. They, for the most part, look second hand, but are still mostly in good nick,” said a tall, spindly man, named Ian. He pulled out a fleece looking gray blanket.

“Wow, that’s amazing. I came in to drop off some towels and blankets I just bought.” Roxas held out his bag, the offering paltry in comparison.

“Thank you, Roxas. You can leave them here if you want or take them back. I think we’ll be good for a while with all these donations.” Merida beamed, with her hands on her slim hips.

“I’ll leave these here. Better more than less.”

“Too right. Do you want to help store these? I know you are taking a break—”

“Happy to help!”

Roxas got stuck into making room in the back storeroom and going through the blankets, folding, and stacking them. The shelter buzzed with excited chatter. Questions around who the donation came from were answered when someone found the delivery slip.

Roxas, sitting before a now half-empty box, snapped his head up and stared as he heard the name Rutherford echo around the space.

He excused himself, headed out to the back alley, past the kennels and mostly dozing animals, and leaned against the cinder block wall as he dialed Axel’s number and waited with bated breath.

 _“Yo,”_ Axel greeted.

“Hey, Ax, it’s Roxas. I hope I’m not disturbing you?”

_“I was just busy helping Karina sort out her roster and shifts. I think I deserve a break after that shit storm. What’s up? You don’t usually call me when I’m at work. Everything all right?”_

“Everything is _more than_ all right. Did you donate a ton of blankets to the animal shelter?” Roxas couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice. His body felt like it buzzed with adoration.

_“Oh… you heard about that?”_

“I’m here right now, helping them sort everything out. How did you… _why?_ Axel. You’re fucking _amazing_! I l—” Roxas caught himself. “How did you get _so many?”_

Axel laughed in a way that sounded almost humble. _“I asked around at work, printed off some fliers, and Riku helped out too, posting stuff at his shop.”_

The mention of that name didn’t even irk Roxas with how overwhelmingly happy he was right now. “How did you find the time to _do_ all this? I thought you said you’ve been super busy with work.” Roxas hugged himself tight and didn’t feel like the smile would ever wash off his face.

Axel hummed and then simply, and softly said, _“Some things are important.”_

“Axel,” Roxas’ heart swelled like a balloon and the tears trickled out. “You didn’t have to do this. Thank you _so much._ How can I make it up to you? _”_

There came a silence, which felt weighty. Axel gently said, _“I’m just glad it makes you happy.”_

Roxas sniffled.

_“Are you crying?”_

“No. I just caught your disease, is all.”

_“Let me know if you need me to come around and throw some blankets over you and make you some soup.”_

Roxas wiped at his eyes and pressed the phone closer to his ear, wishing he could feel Axel’s warmth through it. “Will do. Thank you again.”

_“You are so welcome. I gotta go now and keep the kids in line.”_

“Yeah. Okay. Bye.”

_“Bye, Rox. I…”_

Roxas felt the words that should come out even though they didn’t. For a split-second, things felt normal. Things felt like they had never changed; like they were together and cared for no one else but each other. It was glorious burning agony.

 _“I’ll see you around, buddy,”_ Axel finally filled the space and they hung up.

* * *

 

Roxas gushed about Axel to anyone who would listen. Kairi copped an earful of it when Roxas returned home and he texted and called his cousins and Hayner back home. The next day he was still completely besotted over Axel having put in such tremendous effort for the animals… and for himself. Roxas’ day went past in a blur. He couldn’t shut up about Axel’s heroic deed to Aqua nor Terra and he found it difficult to concentrate on studying when he was over at Terra’s place. He kept checking his phone, seeing the photos he got from the shelter of the animals enjoying their blankets. The urge to go over to Axel’s place and wait for him while completely naked with a blanket thrown over his tenting lap rose with each passing hour.

Roxas gave up pretending to study and outright went and flopped down on the sofa, declaring that he was done for the night, but also not fancying going home when Terra was here because all that low-libido stuff from before caught up with him now in a _really_ big way. He wanted and _needed_ to fuck.

Terra seemed to catch wind because he encouraged Aqua to leave, rather than hang about and once she was out the door their conversation was concise—

“Do you want to—”

“All the way,” Roxas huffed, scrambling off the sofa and rushing toward Terra, who was already halfway across the room.

They clashed in a smoldering kiss. Their hands fumbled as they stripped each other down, all the while moving to the bedroom. By the time they reached the futon, Roxas was completely naked and Terra hopped on one leg to get his underwear off. The article of clothing was discarded, and Terra descended on Roxas, kissing him down against the mattress. Roxas wrapped his limbs around Terra, kissing him with deep sucks and a far-reaching tongue.

They pulled apart.

Roxas panted, “I know we said we wouldn’t but… I _really_ need to pretend you’re Axel today. Is that okay?”

A hesitance crossed Terra’s face before he said, “As long as you don’t get mad if I imagine Ven.”

They sealed their agreement in a tight, greedy kiss.

It had only been blowjobs since their first time; Roxas was desperate for more and for that _more_ to be what he’d always wanted but never had the nerve to ask for. He kissed Terra and shifted, rolling them over.

Terra’s warm hands ran up and down Roxas’ body, grabbing his ass and pumping his cock a little. Roxas shivered at the confidence in the other man and felt weirdly proud of him.

Roxas pulled out of their sucking kiss, licking his lips as he steadied his breath a little. He was just going to say things and not worry. “I wanna do you,” he kissed Terra’s jaw up to his ear, “up your ass.”

Terra’s hands stopped their explorative rubbing and fond tugging.

“Uh….”

A bolder slammed down into the depth of Roxas’ gut. But he pushed on, past the thick constriction in his throat, “I’ll be gentle. I’ll prep you. _Please?”_

“I… I’ve never… I….” Terra seemed to shrink in on himself.

“I’ve never either. _Please?”_

They shared a long, hard look. Terra gulped and then turned away a little, reaching for the lubricant and condoms Roxas had bought a while ago.

Roxas’ heart fluttered as Terra handed him the things with a tense, “Here.”

Cold sweat sprang up. “Really?”

Terra nodded.

Roxas kissed him and gave him a big, squeezing hug. They parted and Terra took a deep breath. “I wonder what Ven would like,” he murmured, while Roxas scooched back a bit and opened the condom packet and rolled it onto his hardening shaft.

“Well, no matter what he likes, you’ll be ready for all the main ones; giving, receiving, blowing.” Roxas squeezed out some viscous lubricant onto his hand and recapped the tube. “You even swallow now so you and Ven can have quickies and leave no mess behind,” he grinned, warming the lube between his fingers. He wondered if he was talking so much because of how nervous he was.

“I hope he’ll accept me.”

Roxas leaned down and kissed the corner of Terra’s mouth. “He will.”

“You can’t be sure.”

“I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

“Least that makes one of us.” Terra sighed.

Roxas hummed in sympathy, scooched down a little further and motioned for Terra to spread his legs, which the man did, after a big inhale. Roxas pumped Terra a few times with his dry hand and ran a slippery digit down the perineal area to Terra’s anus.

“Just one finger. Relax,” Roxas said.

Terra took a deep breath and, on the exhale, Roxas pushed inside of him gently. Excitement coursed through Roxas’ body, making his penis swell and his veins absolutely throb.

Terra gasped and made uncomfortable sounds. Roxas kept fingering Terra’s hole, leaned down and sucked on the head of his penis to help take the edge off the intrusion. A far more pleasing sound left Terra then.

Roxas kept sucking on the other man while he pushed the second finger in, to the sound of a strained grunt. Roxas flexed and bent his fingers inside of Terra, up and down and round and round, sweeping, scissoring. Roxas pumped in and out of Terra’s ass and sucked on the man’s cock, nearly making himself mewl with the excited anticipation building inside himself over finally being able to feel something so tight around his cock.

Roxas kept up the stretching, sucking, humming, and checking in with Terra. The man nodded and gave breathy, _‘Okay’s.’_

More lubricant was applied to Terra and to Roxas and then he finally felt confident that they were ready. He leaned over Terra, bracing himself against his arm up by Terra’s head. He started kissing the other man and huffed gently, “I’m gonna push in now. Just relax. Tell me if I need to stop.”

Terra nodded, wrapped his arms around Roxas, and pulled him down into a languid kiss.

Roxas leaned into the kiss, probing, exploring, sucking, and with his other hand, rubbed his wrapped erection against Terra’s ass, teasing, and familiarizing the other man with the sensation of having a cock there.

He did this a few more times until he trembled so badly with need that he couldn’t hold off any longer. He angled himself and pushed his cock into Terra. He broke the kiss, pressing his forehead against Terra’s chest, whimpering as he entered the immensely hot and crazy constrictive passage. It was the _best_ feeling.

Terra groaned, high pitched, somewhere between astonished surprise and discomfort. Roxas, willing all his restraint, stopped moving and huffed. _“Nngh,_ this feels incredible,” he wheezed.

“Keep… going,” Terra panted.

“You sure?” Roxas groaned, barely able to keep himself from thrusting.

Terra murmured something indistinct and nodded.

Roxas continued, groaning against Terra’s ear and savoring the feel of being completely embedded when he got there. They used a kiss as a moment of rest. Roxas then pulled out and thrust a couple of times, going a little faster each time. Terra continued to grunt and breathe softly.

Roxas couldn’t stop groaning. Heat spread through all his extremities. Ramming his cock in and out felt like paradise and he didn’t ever want to pull out and leave. He leaned back, grabbed one of Terra’s legs up against himself so the back of Terra’s leg dangled over his shoulder and back. Roxas used the limb as leverage to prop himself up as he fucked himself a little deeper and harder.

“Oh, _fuck,”_ Roxas groaned and closed his eyes against the immense pleasure. He hands-down wanted Axel and panted his name because he missed it coming out of his mouth while he had sex, but it didn’t feel right. He kept fucking himself into Terra, plowing, smashing, plunging. His cock twitched and blood pumped. It was the best massage and best itch relief. Roxas wanted to burst and also never have it stop. It felt as good as he always imagined it would… he just wished it could be Axel under him instead. All the pretending in the world couldn’t help him there. He placed kisses against Terra’s leg, used his other hand to pump Terra a little, and loved the louder sounds coming out of the other man as he strained under Roxas’ thumping..

Roxas kept fucking, rocking his hips and quaking from the strain and delicious feelings. But he wanted more and was so completely lost in his new-found pleasure that he forgot to feel self-conscious as he asked, “Can you put your fingers in my ass?”

Terra tensed. “What?”

Roxas slowed his motion a little as a deeply dreadful freeze pulled his spine straight. “Never mind. Is this okay? Do you— _ngh_ — _like?”_

“It’s… okay. But I don’t… not really.”

“Oh.” The deep freeze grew a little colder, making him a little more rigid. “S-sorry. D-do you… want to try a different… position?” Roxas pulled out, wincing with how much he missed the contact but also feeling a freak out skirting around the edge of his psyche. He didn’t want to have Terra hate him. What if his selfishness had just ruined their friendship?

“If you think it might help.”

Roxas’ shoulders dropped with immense relief and he huffed out a breath. Terra was still onboard. That was a good sign. “It could. Okay, um…” He wasn’t completely sure what position to try so he simply said, “Turn around and get on all fours?”

“Okay.” Terra did as he was asked, with his head facing the wall and window and Roxas knelt behind the man, practically drooling over Terra’s presenting muscular and lean ass. He couldn’t believe Terra was going along with this. Strange bravery crept through him. Roxas applied more lubricant onto his cock, Terra’s ass, and some onto Terra’s erection as well. He then cupped Terra’s cheeks, spread them and lined himself up, easing back inside. The groan of pleasure seeping out of his chest sounded excessively loud, even to his own ears, but he didn’t let that stop him. He held Terra firm while he got back into fucking himself as he had always wanted to but never dared until today.

Terra moaned a little, and then a little more. He pushed back against Roxas a few times and then lowered himself down, resting on his elbows with his ass in the air for Roxas to go to town on. And then the lewd, over-the-top sexy moan that Roxas had clambered to hear fell out of Terra, accompanied by a very audible, _“Ven, fuck.”_

It didn’t faze Roxas. They had agreed, so he cast his mind to the place he would rather be inside of. He thought back on the times he had sex with Axel. It had always been amazing – laden with baggage, _sure,_ but also amazing. He could have done this with Axel. He had said he would have liked to do this back when they had webcammed. Roxas tried to not let bitter regret steal his enjoyment. He focused back on his rhythmic fucking of Terra’s asshole. He really worked on holding back and going slow and steady because he wanted this to last for as long as possible.

And he held out, as did Terra, but the longer Roxas fucked himself like this, the more he wished he could have something in his ass. He slowed his pace even further to find the lube so he could finger himself while he kept up his thrusting. He got his finger ready, and with a grunt and awkward twist, found the angle and rhythm to hit that perfect spot which stoked the heat in his groin and ass. The tingling which buzzed down his legs made him shake. He kept pumping in and out of himself and Terra, at an increasing pace and gave one particularly hard thrust, making him see stars and feel weak as he came with a grunting moan.

“Fuck. Oh my fuck. _God!_ Your ass.” Roxas murmured, slumping against Terra and pulling his finger out but leaving his cock in.

Terra panted. “Can I finish myself off in you instead?” he slowly lifted himself up to his hands.

Roxas’ heart thumped, and he _barely_ heard what Terra said, but parts did register. “You… didn’t… _fuck_. Sorry, Terra. Yeah. Fuck me. Just… maybe after a few minutes?” He slipped out of Terra and lowered himself against the futon. Terra was above him in mere moments, kissing him and stroking his sweaty face and skin.

They made out at a leisurely pace. Roxas pumped Terra’s leaking erection and spread his legs after a while, allowing Terra access and to practice fingering him. Roxas explained and told him if it felt right and then watched Terra pull on a condom because Roxas, though still sensitive, was also horny as fuck and wanted to keep going.

Terra pushed inside gently, making them both hiss and moan. He positioned himself comfortably against Roxas and dropped kisses against his clammy skin as he thrust, shallow, and then a lot deeper and sharper. Roxas curled his toes and clung on to Terra’s shoulders. He was _so_ fucking sensitive. It made him wince.

“Are you all right? Should I stop?” Terra asked, full of sweet concern.

“No. Go… harder.” Roxas gulped and gasped, squeezing his eyes shut as Terra fucked him so hard it made the man grunt with loud satisfaction.

Roxas held on, his knuckles turning white and his ass on absolute tingling fire. The sensation shot down his legs and up his spine and somehow, he came with a strangled cry which sounded like Axel’s name to his own ears while he felt little spurts of cum pulsing out of his still-wrapped cock.

Terra let out a sharp shout, gave a few long, deep, cum-shooting thrusts, and rode out his orgasm kissing Roxas’ neck and breathing out, “Ven,” every couple of huffs.

They lay together blissed out of their minds. Roxas kept hugging Terra to himself, wishing it was Axel instead, but not letting it spoil the feel-good moment.

“You really miss Axel, don’t you?” Terra said eventually.

“Yes. It was so good being with him last week, even if he was puking his guts out.”

Terra let out a husky laugh and rolled off Roxas but still looked at him as they shared the pillow. “You really need to do something about your pining situation.”

Roxas snorted. “You mean _we_ really need to do something about it.”

Terra chuckled. “Point taken. I’ll talk to Ven in January.”

Roxas looked at Terra’s sweaty chest, curled his fingertips against damp skin and struggled to believe that he had fucked Terra and orgasmed twice. Something bubbled. He ignored it. “You think all this is helping? The coaching? The sex?”

“I… yes. I’m more comfortable. It’s still going to be difficult on the day but… without you helping me, I would never even have contemplated talking to Ventus and having sex with another man as an option.”

Roxas hummed, pleased with himself.

“What about you? When will you talk to Axel?”

Roxas’ mood sullied. “Talking to him won’t change anything. I’ve talked to him so much already. I just have to wait. At least you have until January. Me on the other hand… I have no clue when I’ll get my chance.”

A sad look settled on Terra’s face. “Keep talking to him. Keep being in his life. He must care for you. I don’t know how anyone _couldn’t_ care for you.”

That touched Roxas. “Are you cracking on to me?” he teased.

“Maybe… a little.”

Roxas stared and then, somewhere between shock and excitement, laughed. _“Really?”_

“Really. If Ventus freaks out and wants nothing to do with me, and you are still left without an answer… then, you would do me an absolute honor if you took me as your boyfriend.”

“Wow.” Roxas alternated between staring and blinking rapidly for several moments in disbelief. Maybe the sex-high made him hear things? Maybe Terra was high. “You’d be happy to date me? You’d be happy to be… _backup boyfriends?”_ That was what Terra proposed, right?

Terra huffed out with amusement. “That’s not entirely how I would put it but… yes.”

“Wow.” Roxas’ mind ran blank. He just stared for a while longer, and as he felt the smile creep across his face, leaned in and kissed Terra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got that cat pizza picture off the internet.
> 
> My personal favourite stuff in this chapter was Axel being so tragically sick. What a pathetic Boo. I was probably a bit crazed when I wrote that stuff 😆 but I put it in because I thought we needed more AkuRoku interaction to remind us of why we love them together.
> 
> What do you think of AkuRoku at this stage of the story? It's less than ideal, sure. You might not be rooting for them to get back together at all, but, I hope I manage to change some minds... Eventually.
> 
> This fic will be over 500k long. It's looking to be 42 chapters so I have plenty of time to fix things between these two.
> 
> I hope you will look forward to everything that's to come.
> 
> Also don't forget that comments give me life and I'd appreciate some lovin'.
> 
> Oh and also, I do have a discord server for discussing my works and hanging out in. You can find my Discord ID on my AO3 profile and add me and we can chat if interested.
> 
>  
> 
> **~cream pudding**


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